im going to india.

im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.im going to india.

death

school

ive been here 8 hours and i have 4 more to go

i still have to study for a test and take a test

and tomorrow get up at the crack and go to work where i really should start work on my lit paper

im trying to tell myself only a month left

im not sure i can pull through

they put this much stress on us on purpose

so we die

i thought i could handle it

but im starting to fade

im dying kids

im dying

*collapses on the couch in the student center*

i want

this. real bad. but its to much money when babies are starving. so we'll just look at it awhile.


today i half day off cause i only had class at night, but i ended up having to write a paper, then lit homework, plus the class. it sucked. i still have more psyc tomorrow.

i failed my math test, and i very well may fail the class unless the teacher has mercy on me and i kick for this last unit on statistics and the final.

me and lola are watching LOST now, i miss annie.

a lot of things are happening in my life. im graduating with my AA this May, going to India for like 3 months, and starting a new school in the fall.
im crazy.

ooo juliets taking sun into the weird hospital thingie...this show kicks...im nervous tho...wheres annie...creept blinking neon lights...i never know if juliets lying or not...

ok, thats all for today.

even things u didnt want to know

im soooo bored. but tired from school and homework so i have no brain power to do anything else productive. parents are hogging the tv. to early for bed.

wheres annie.

-------------


i got this from a 15 year old.
i thought it would answer all those questions uve been dying to ask me.


-Prologue-

1. Who took your default pic?
micah in the disneyland bathroom...i cut her out:(

2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
brown soft pants. "save" darfur" shirt. glasses. bra. thats all. basically, pajamas

3. What is your current problem?
money for outreach. and passing certain classes

4. What makes you most happy?
all my girls together. my dogs. sleeping. traveling. music. Jesus.

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
amy winehouse-"back to black"

7. Do you like MTV?
i missed that phase. that channel REALLY irritates me actually.

Chapter 1

1. Nickname(s):
effer, effski, gaga, ef, hatti (in India)

2. Eye color?
blue like the sky

........................................................................................................

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

1. Do you live with your parent(s)
yes...its tiring...

2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?
usually...we have our moments

3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
married

4. Do you have any Siblings?
brother

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

1. Ice Cream:
soy cookies and cream, or if im gonna induce pain on myself i go for ben and jerrys oatmeal cookie.

2. season?
autumn

3.Color(s):
pink black teal

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1. Write on your hand?
i try not to, it takes forever to come off...but yeah. it currently says 23degreesC, which is what a website said the temp in india is...

2. Call people back?
i try to, i suck at it.

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
the right. the doggies get the other side.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5:
Have You...

1. Broken a bone?
no ones suprised no

3. Had physical therapy?
no

4. Gotten stitches?
no gross

5. Taken painkillers?
of course, im a girl

7. Been stung by a bee?
once, trevor had to help me...it was weird

8. Thrown up at a doctors office?
ew no

9. Sworn in front of your parents?
haha yeah...now that im old its not weird...they do it more then me

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
the namesake. cassie burfday! so good!

2. Person to text you?
kelsey. about work

3. Person who called you?
dawn. about outreach!

4. Person to tackle you?
i havent been tackled in ages

5. Thing you touched?
obviously the key board...before that, the sink to wash my hands

6. Thing you ate?
really good pizza

7. Thing you said?
"ok im going back to my life now" leaving my parents downstairs

8. Had a detention?
yeah, this is for highschoolers

some things i love

my doggies. a lot.
mom is finally potty training Lola for real, so now she doesnt irritate me all the time.

movies. a lot.
u just learn so much, and get to escape reality for awhile. perfect for cudding!

Jesus. a lot.
sometimes im so overwhelmed by all He has done for me and continues to do for me everyday. im so thankful for being freeeee!!!

sleeping. too much.
i could seriously sleep all day.

harry potter audio books.
dare i say more?

disneyland.
makes ur insides burst with happiness just from the energy of walking into a place! let alone riding rides and eating crap food shaped like a mouse!

traveling.
im already making packing lists in my head for india and its like 2 monthes away. palm springs in like 3 weeks!!!

my job as the receptionist.
weird huh, but i really like it. im the office MANAGER, im in charge of everything! so fun! i just get to organize all day!

babies/kids.
i want some of my own so bad. but until then, i just love watching them play and learn and be so friggen cute. i cant wait to be a mommy. i cant wait to be a teacher!

india.
so excited!!! its more magical then disneyland.

ok, i just wanted to be optomistic in a blog for once, and im excited about these things but i forgot that God has blessed me with them so i need reminders to myself.

art show this friday at church! a special speaker speaking on the role of arts in a post modern world. free snacks and coffee! im really excited! i wish i didnt have night classes every night of the week, otherwise id totally join the art group there. i just love Jesus and i love art.

and i love sleeping, goodnight irene!

monday

have i ever mentioned how much i dislike school? HATE is a good word.

seriously, math is the hardest thing for me. and i cant focus on anything, and im oversensative to authority figures so i dont like asking for help, and it exhausts me to work so hard at focusing all day. its awful.

i do really like my child psycology class. even tho she assigns us way to many projects, and the class is thursday nights for 3 hours...i learn so much and i really like it. its encouraging that ive chosen the right major...kinda...
liberal studies. and a depth of study in art & aducation
what does one take for liberal studies?

hopefully no more math. i wont be able to pass it.

in other news, ill be going to India this summer! im trying not to get to excited since my ticket isnt officially bought yet. but yay! ill be in the north east part for about 7 weeks, and then hopefully flying down to Bangalore to see all my dear ones there for about 2 weeks there. and then home...just a few days before my new school, and a week before olivias wedding!

its all happening!

i have to get hepititus shots. malaria pills. anti diharrial pills, so i dont die like last time...ugh. a visa. travel insurance. so much to do.

if ud like to support me in my big huge mission trip, it would be much appreciated. everything costs money! but its well worth it. every little bit helps!

we're going to be pioneering an entirely new ministry in this area of India! itll be very relational with college age students at the universities in the area! i think we'll also be helping them with their first DTS at the base...encouraging the christians already there, ect.
amazing!

my dream life:
finish school and teach art at a cute private school for a little while.
help mummy in india get her ministry supported if needed.
live simply while working and save money for summers doing art evangelism around the world.
marry a pediatrician.
continue summers off doing ministry with him doing medical ministry and me teaching art to little ones.
adopt my babies from all over the world.
teach in the sunday school locally.
raise my babies and live happily ever after.

amazing!

ok, now im going to try and study for the math test im going to fail. awesome.

today

i woke up at the crack of dawn and convinced myself to go to class despite being o so tired (dont know why, i went to bed at like 1030)

my lit teacher read us 2 poems, we clearly upset about the virgina tech shooting, and told us we could go home. my next class was art, and it was 4 hours later, so i peaced out.

i went to jimbos and bought groceries.

came home and ate a yummy delicious organic banana.

threw it up.

i still dont know why.

slept for like 3 hours.

did homework.

now im watching american idol and waiting for annie to come home so we can watch Harry Potter 4!!! marathon on fox family, we watch one each night, so fun.

palm springs with the girls in one month!!!
parents home in a few days!
lolas not having so many accidents in the house now!

watched the royal tenebaums today, reminded me of old summers with machu cord trev cass and annie and even that ex boy...high school...sigh.

i love wes anderson.

all my love.
esther

cassies 21st birthday!

so yesterday we went to irvine to meet kelsey 1/2 way, to celebrate cassies 21st birthday!

we went to the cheesecake factory and then to see the Namesake...o right, i already wrote about what we were going to do in the last blog...ok...well attached are some pictures. enjoy. we're fun and we were happy.

THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHEN I LEAVE ANNIE HOME ALONE:
1) organizes the towel cupboard
2) cleans the entire house in preperation for people coming a week later cause she read the calendar wrong.
3) skims the entire pool and jumps in in the middle of winter
4) does all the laundry in the house
5) glues colored hole punch outs to my dogs ears
6) watches alice in wonderland or harry potter in her easter dress
7) locks herself in the backyard and has to climb in thru the doggie door, injuring her back
8) lola pees on her feet

this is why we need to live together.
i will miss her a lot when the parents come home.


hot friends


me and kelsey!


lovely ladies


cassies first legal drink!



so cute!



the best.ever.

this made me laugh a lot

last night i ended up having to stay over in Julian, but it wasnt such a sad thing, i love staying there! i slept better then i have in a long time...i was sooooo tired and its so quiet there and i got to stay in the bed i always stay in, and didnt have to get up a billion times cause the dogs are stupid. so twas nice.

i got home around 11am and took a shower and then went straight to bed until like 430pm. i was having an allergy attack and slept o so good.

then me and micah went to say bye bye to tisha kitty whos moving to apple valley...it was very saddening, but also a good thing for her life.

then micah and me went to get sushi and see Aqua Teen Hunger Force. it was pretty funny, to long tho. we had a nice time.

now me and micah and annie are watching harry potter and on our Apples. we're fun.

tomorrow is going to be SO FUN! its cassies 21st birthday!
me and annie and cass are going up to irvine to meet kelsey for lunch at the cheesecake factory, and then to see the movie The Namesake, which is about India so im very excited. im really looking forward to our fun day!

and now a comic for ur amusement...it made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

all my love dear ones.

REDEMPTION SONG

so these past few days ive been really reflecting on everything my God has done for me. Even if you dont believe in God, you cant argue with MY LIFE.

within the last few years, i was on so many medications for anxiety, depression, ADD, stomach pills (cause of stress i was getting an ulcer), it was ridiculous. i was fearful and worried and tired and overwhelmed and frustrated and all i wanted to do was either drink, watch tv, or sleep, just to get away from it all.

God called me perfect and wonderful. he literally, brought me out of darkness and death. "i was lost, but now im found." is so true for me. He loves me perfectly, all He wants for me is to BE WHO I AM, which is BELOVED. He healed my deepest darkest wounds and cried with me as i told Him my hurts.

we are now children of the marvelous light.

how can i go on living anyway but praising my Lord for literally saving me from darkness.

ive been redeemed. and im shouting it from the rooftops. cause u can to.

needless to say, God worked with me to get me off all my anxiety and depression and stomach meds. ADD is still a legit problem i have, but i dont need to take the meds very often, and i probably wont at all when im done with school. im not saying God does this for everyone, or that i wont ever relapse. everyones different, God often works thru meds and doctors and counseling...i recommend those things to a lot of people actually, but the point is that God desires u to be perfect. so when i worry about passing my mental issues onto my future children someday...i can rest assured that God can and desires to redeem anyone whos ready to live freely. it just may look different for each person.

go and be free little ones. He has called us into the marvelous light!

*side note*
my mental and physical health is also why i care so much about organic and all natural foods and products. its scienticly proven that all the crap in the air and food affects mental and physical health. more importantly, i believe God is calling us to a higher level of taking care of ourselves. He made our bodies and He made perfect foods for us to eat to keep them in top working order! why arent Christians the healthiest people in the world?! furthermore, why dont we strive to take care of the earth He gave us?

we're getting better.

im not perfect. obviously. i screw up all the time. but im trying.

ok, thats my soapbox about my Lord and true savior.

next time ill just write about skimmping gophers out of the pool and watering the lawn with bowls of water.

its all happening.
all my love dear ones.

im certainly not perfectly healthy either, but ive made HUGE progress in the last year or so. isnt it amazing that God takes steps with us a little everyday? He loves us so perfectly that its never overwhelming. i need to remember those things.

and now, somethings that made me laugh out loud at work, especially the last one. enjoy.

just a few things about my life...

yesterday me and annie found a dead gopher in our pool with poop coming out of its butt and its mouth open and annie was brave and scooped it out

our gardener told us to water the lawn, but the hose wouldnt work, so we used plastic cooking bowls and filled them with water from the kitchen and threw the water on the lawn that way...when we realized it would take forever, annie decided the backyard hose would go all the way to the front

im going to julian tomm night for a rehearsal for a podcast play im in. ill tell u when it airs.

ive recently discovered that during my 3 hr breaks in between class, i can cruise down to the B&N and get a soy latte and read books there, or magazines, or do my own HW (has yet to happen, thats why its a break!). so far ive bought 2 vegan cookbooks (im not entirely vegan, they eat a lot of fake products im not to crazy about, i can explain more about that crap later if u want). today at my B&N break i read/skimmed "psychology today" and a book about ADD. also a book about india. some dog training books. im fun huh.

now i have child psycology. i really like the class but its only once a week for 3 hours, which is to long for any class. arrrrg.

me and annie are having so much fun, i dont know what im going to do when she goes back home.

my stupid dog wont get potty trained. the least shes gone in the house since we got her is 2x a day. i need to call the dog whisperer.

im going to learn to cook. hence the vegan cooking books. im excited. i need my mom home tho to help me with getting ingrediants and meal planning, ect.

i miss my parents, but i dont miss living with them.

i need to move out. stupid dependency and dogs...arg.

finally i got new music, and its making the week so much better.

why hasnt anyone ever shown me "Of Montreal" im in love!

gotta go to class.

all my love dear ones.

easter and LA!!! spring break 2007!!!

but i don wanna go back to school...

soooo im avoiding writing my stupid literature essay cause im in denial of going back to school. bleeeeh...

GOOD THINGS
got my graduation from comm college info yesterday. ill be done forever there on may 25th!!! im so excited! then just 2 more years and im totally done...kinda...

LA was such fun! it had some moments where i wished i was home, but most of the moments i was glad to be out of sd and with micah ficah having adventures. we stayed with her friend jaime, and it was nice to be with a boy for once. i miss members of the male species. just as normal friends and stuff. arg. ill try and post pics soon...

easter is tomorrow and its my favorite holiday. to bad parents are in europe and im all alone. haha not really. me and annie are going to make a big easter dinner and go to the amazing night service at calvary and be fun. its an open invite too, so maybe other people will end up coming too!

my outreach stuff for the summer is kinda coming together. im frustrated cause i feel like nobody wants me to go...like everyones all cranky about it...and i am to so i need encouragement, not discouragement...ya know? the outreach isnt really anything that God spoke to me about doing for the outreach...like nothing at all actually. but its still coming together so we'll see what happens. i hate how YWAM does everything at the last minute, its so frustrating. if nothing else, id like to go to bangalore again and see the LMC there...i love it there and i miss everyone so much.

i went to maldys bday part last saturday night (week ago) and it was the best night of my life. i saw allll the vpdq people i love and felt loved back cause sometimes i think they're all so self centered and insecure that they cant feel affection for anyone...but i was wrong kinda. and i had lots of dietcoke and vanilla vodka so i was happy happy too. i smoked to many capris tho, and i decided that im over smoking forever and im not even going to keep any on me for when i drink...cause thats really the only time i smoke. its just so bad for u...esp when i make so many other organic and healthy type choices...its just silly.

having annie here is fun, im going to miss her a lot when my parents come home and she goes back to middle-of-nowhere clairemont.

nice to have kelsey home too...but shes real sick which is sad. shes been sick soooo long is awful.

my diet is going well and its not to difficult. i like it.

NOT SO GOOD THINGS
kelseys going home and cassie is back in school

school starts monday and work and im over it. i just have to much going on, i dont know how ive done it for so long.

its all cloudy out so no getting a tan yesterday or today

lolas been pooping and peeing inside everyday all over the house, ive been so frustrated. but shes doing better today! its 530pm and so far nothing inside! yay!

i have this f-ing essay to write and id rather die!!!

ok, here i go again on my own...

come to my easter dinner! so fun! u can come to church if u want to also, but u dont want too.

email/call me for more info.

all my love dear ones.

heres a picture of me and micah in the disneyland hotel bathroom.



sometimes u wish u were our friend huh