convicted.

last night i went to north coast calvary, and i was so overwhelmed by the amazing message and special visitors they had that night.

i realized that for a long time ive secretly had the view in the back of my head that "im a really good person, i kinda deserved Gods grace" in came out in my mind that i believed that i had made the good choice to follow God...when in reality, God came after me. 100% God, and 0% me. somehow i thought i was a good one, and that people who dont choose God are "bad ones"

this is such crap.
and its not like ive ever heard this message before. its just that, i never realized how much it applied to me before.

why do i think i deserve Gods grace more then the convicts in prison? why do i condemn them to a life in jail, either physically or mentally, and write it off that they deserve it.

let us embrace the lost, whether they're in a 3rd world country, or down in the local prison. Lord, dont let me forget this undeserved grace YOU lavish upon me. help me to lavish it on EVERYONE else, including those i used to view as "unworthy"--no matter how i rationalized it or switched up the words in my head to make it sound better, your grace is big enough for everyone.

amen.

i was also inspired to think more about how im going to change the world. im praying about teaching at risk kids or in an inner city (or a mix of both, obviously.) the problem isnt if i want to teach those kinds of kids or not, its if i can manage not living in an unsafe place for my family but also not being hypocritical by working somewhere then living somewhere else cause its not "good enough for me", or whatever. im thinking Vista could be a good in between because i wanted to live in the shadowridge area anyway, and then i could teach in one of the low income schools in the area...all my moms teacher friends all live in vista too and already want me to teach at their schools...hehe. but now im wondering if i should get a certificate for bilingual education or whatever. so its something ive been thinking about for awhile, but didnt want to commit to because of all of the above issues. but God is speaking to me about this, i guess the logistics can be worked out later.

in other news: i wish i had time for fun, all i do is school and work. i just want to do one or the other, but at the same time its nice to switch it up with work and to have extra money...but itd also be nice to have time for a life.

dinner time.