The High Life.

Currently. 




Factors of Today:


"I'm sorry, I want to talk more but I have to go. Our new cook is coming over and then i have a waxing appt so im trying to get out the door. hahaha my life in that last sentence is amazing."


and


"We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition."- High Fidelity 


Today I woke up to a message from my family saying my mum had to go to the emergency room because she was having sharp pains and shortness of breath. She was now staying a minimum of 24 hours there because her lung collapsed (due to another painful procedure done the day before). Mixed feelings overcame me. Such as...ok, she's going to be ok, thank God it wasn't a heart attack. And then...guilt for not being home. And such a drained feeling...I really don't have the energy or heart for this hospital stuff anymore, and I know she doesn't. And just a sad scared feeling for my momma in general. Roomie gave me a hug and reminded me it's going to be ok before she went to work. But I'm still feeling shitty about not hearing from that boy anymore too. 


Talked to myself/God for a good hour last night in my room. It helped I guess.


Anyway.


Then good things happened...


One of the LOVES of my life, Cammie, is coming to visit me in October for like 2 weeks! We were waiting and waiting for him to get the time off approved and I didn't want to get my hopes up unless he had a ticket. But today he got approved AND the ticket so he's coming for my October break! Hence when:  "I'm sorry, I want to talk more but I have to go. Our new cook is coming over and then i have a waxing appt so im trying to get out the door. hahaha my life in that last sentence is amazing." occurred. We were discussing our wardrobe plans, the cities we want to go to, etc. So that significantly affected my mood in a positive way. Especially since my few friends here will be working the entire time and I couldn't afford to do a huge trip AND try and afford to go home for Christmas. 


Also.


After I showed our new cleaner/cook around and got my hooha all waxed and squeaky clean, I took my work stuff with me and walked through my little old city to the French cafe I've been meaning to try. I started feeling sorry for myself as I skyped with my mum while she lays in the hospital, my phone still isn't ringing from the boy, and this stupid little black cloud won't lift...but then I looked at my reflection in the computer...and suddenly noticed how all the tourists and men are looking at me as they walk by. And realized: I'm sitting here on my pretty laptop, with my pretty phone, pretty French manicure and dress, listening to my favorite Iron & Wine songs, drinking tea and planning an epic October holiday with one of my most fabulous friends surrounded by my BEAUTIFUL little city with perfect weather. YES my mum is in the hospital, but she's going to be fine, and YES that boy is being kind of stupid and bringing up the "you're going to die alone" feelings again, and YES I need to make more friends here...but really...In this moment. How could I not be so happy?


So I'm going to order another tea...and some of the amazing looking chocolate cake from the treat window. Then go home and enjoy the soup our new cook is making us for dinner. 
And try and sit in being happy and content for awhile. 

Feeling Blue

During work I am happy and love my life, but lately as soon as work ends I am feeling blue again. It might be that grey cloud I get sometimes that just follows me around that I refuse to medicate (although I am getting in touch with an English speaking therapist here, yay me). But it might also be my mum going through health things and I'm not there, money problems that may mean I don't get to go home for Christmas, roomie/bestie being all wrapped up in work and her bf, all my other "friends" here being completely MIA since I've been back, and this stupid boy appears he may be over me already or maybe just wants to move it into the friend zone. Although we spoke Sunday about work stuff, I haven't heard from him since and have no plans for the weekend with him either. I know he's working a lot, but I am really trying to stay on my new band wagon of "no one is too busy for you"...even to send a text, right?  But then every time someone asks me about it and I say "I dont know, I haven't heard from him since Sunday...and that time I contacted him..." they nod like thats normal. So maybe I am overanalyzing...no one would be surprised here. This tends to happen when I actually like them. Crazy lady surfaces. 

Also...I think I was really excited about being close with him even just for companionship. Since roomie and other friends are so absent right now, I don't really have anyone to talk to. And he told me his entire crazy life story the second night we hung out, I didn't get a chance to share at the time...plus I wasn't ready, but I was so hoping to find someone else here to be close with. Lately I haven't even been missing sex or all the fun girly things about being in a relationship- I think I just want the genuine friendship and closeness. Of someone caring about you SO much for no reason other then you just being you. 

And any level of rejection, especially when I start to let myself like the guy, bring everything from the past up. Every boy who stopped calling me and all the reasons I wonder why roll around again. I just keep blaming myself "What is WRONG with me that men don't want me?". And logically I know the old saying- it's them and not me- but if it keeps happening over and over again don't you have to start looking at yourself too? Isn't that basic psychology? 

I don't know. But tomorrow is a holiday (random Thursday in Slovakia off? Yeah, standard) so I get to sleep in...work at a cafe...and get my hooha waxed. PLUS our new cleaner/cook starts tomorrow and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED! She's going to come Monday and Thursday and clean, laundry and cook a meal for us, do some of our shopping too...it'll probably take her a few hours each day. And we are paying her 7 euro an hour!!!! I love it here! She only wanted 5/hour, but we felt too guilty so we upped it a bit. But the minimum wage is seriously like 3 euro/hour so she's SO EXCITED. We've been working such long hours lately (and its pretty normal) that we just don't have time to cook or energy to go out...so we're doing the American thing and hiring out, hehe. YAY. 

xoxo

HL

Updates...

Such a LONG WEEK OF DEATH. First day of school was pretty good, I say pretty good because I love my class and everything within my room is pretty much fantastic, but otherwise (as always) the organization and drama with the management at the school is ridiculous so I had to pick up even more extra classes at the last minute and was working until 5:30p at school every night last week and then coming home to work MORE. So, it was a long week. And more drama over the weekend with our head of A-levels taking off and them hiring a new director without telling anyone today (I found out on accident). But again, my class is AMAZING and I am finishing everything except our stupid school staff busy work by 4:00 now this week...and coming home to work more, but at least its in front of the TV and on my couch.

Music Man called last Sunday night but I missed his call. Otherwise we just texted twice during last week and I was kind of bummed. Then Friday night roomie convinced me to just invite him to the pub a bunch of staff were going to, and sure enough he texted me back and showed up and we hung out most of the rest of the night. By 11 we found ourselves alone (roomie had to take the drunk bf home- another night, another scene from those two) and went to get a snack and chat. However, I now find myself slightly confused. I feel like I am getting mixed signals which could either be him being a good guy and trying to take it slow, or like he's just not into me.

We should discuss something more serious now actually. I think the foundation of my insecurity in this is in how I feel about myself. This guy...thus far...is so good, so amazing, that everything about him I decided a long time ago either didn't exist, were already taken, or certainly wouldn't be into me. Mostly the latter. I keep waiting for him to want to just be friends because I'm too ___________ <----insert here anything I've ever told myself. Mostly Fat. Silly. Stupid. Young. etc. I seriously can't believe someone like my old thrown away list exists, and that they could potentially value ME. And that's not to say I don't have confidence in myself, because Lord knows we've come a long way in this department this year. It would just appear that there are still some secret "you're not good enough" compartments tucked away in there that I haven't quite reached.

Therefore, I am totally in the "when is he going to call and make plans with me?!?!?!" mode- not obsessing yet- but time still seems to move so slowly. I find myself getting annoyed "UGH, why haven't I heard from him, he doesn't like me, this sucks" only to realize its TUESDAY and we just spoke on SUNDAY. Calm down crazy, you've been out a few times and work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S for everyone right now so lets take it down a notch, k?

In other news I am finding myself more and more annoyed with roomie having her bf over all the fucking time. EVERY DAMN NIGHT he's here. He'll either come over right after work with her and then sleep over, or come after dinner at home and then sleep over. We have to now buy groceries and plan dinners for THREE, one of them being a very hungry boy, and I am irate. His home life kind of sucks, so thats why he's around a bit more then normal boyfriends- but also because neither of them get sick of each other and appear to not have any other significant friends or family. I mean, it's a small place...and I didn't sign up to live with a fucking couple. Plus I may be bitter that I lost my one and only bestie here now that bf is in the picture. Roomie and I used to do EVERYTHING together, weeknights we went out for drinks or dinner and weekends we ran errands and went shopping. Now she just wants to stay home with the bf and watch movies during the weeknights and on the weekends THEY go run errands. So I find myself alone all the time again and am starting to get sad and more frustrated with my lack of relationships here. This might also magnify why I want things to work out with Music Man so badly, besides how awesome he and we together are, I want new friends and a boyfriend would also just be really nice.

Ok, back to working from home alone...just like every night.

xoxo

Unexpected.

Wow.

All I can say is, what a week. I haven't updated because I've barely had time to sleep and breathe. Tuesday and Wednesday we had back to school orientation for the teachers which was RIDICULOUS. So much drama, extra work and courses sprung up on me, teachers leaving suddenly, just unorganized craziness and stress.

Then Wednesday night we went out for drinks with sweet D whose leaving for a few weeks...Thursday was a Slovak holiday so EVERYONE was out on the town since they didn't have to work the next day. Including people from school...including the super cute new music man from work I'd been flirting with at orientation. I thought he was into the 4th grade teacher from the new campus because he was always talking to her and was somewhat flirty, but then I found out she's married and going through a hard time and he is just her assistant. So of course, I made my move at the Irish pub.

I feel like I should be sponsored in flirting. I mean seriously. I spotted him at the orientation on Tuesday, flirted both days, and had him getting my number and kissing me by Wednesday night. Friday roomie saw him at work and he was asking all about me so he called me right then but I didn't hear it and texted him later that night when roomie said "GIRL, CHECK YOUR PHONE!"

Flash forward to music man wanting to hang out. Picking me up from my flat and taking me to hang out with all his friends at a lounge/bar/music place down the street. Um. May have been one of the BEST evenings of my life. I realized even in the amount of men I've dated that I've NEVER met a guys friends or had a boy be all into me all night in front of his friends. As soon as music man saw me he wanted to kiss me again...and would have his hand on my back or around me majority of the evening...would sneak little kisses when his friends weren't directly talking to us...talking in my ear..I mean DAMN, we were that couple. And the best part was, his friends were really really lovely. They reminded me of all my friends back home- they were all musicians but grown up ones who are also married and have successful day jobs doing random things. Plus, their English was really really good and I think they liked me because I spent half the evening talking to them while music man talked to others separately. I was trying to make sure and prove I can chill on my own and that he doesn't have to babysit me...mission accomplished! The best part was when the evening was winding down and we were all sitting and chatting...music man starts talking in my ear telling me sweet things and trying to convince me to let him come home with me when his friends say something in Slovak to us and they all laugh. Translation? "They said they are jealous, because they can tell we like each other and they have to go home alone" This was from the 2 not married ones. So cute.

He kept telling me he wanted to be with me all night, and after trying to avoid answering the question awhile, I told him he couldn't come home with me for two reasons.
1. I'm a lady (seriously, I actually like this one)
2.  Lady things are happening and it's not a good night. (periods ruin everything)
Secretly ALSO because I'm kind of a skank and had Africa over the last two nights because he didn't have anywhere to stay (seriously) and even though I'm not into him anymore, why pass up good sex? So my sheets were dirty. Yep, I'm that girl. But hey, doesn't it make you feel good to know I felt remorseful and knew I couldn't bring a new boy home yet? We're growing up.

Turns out...music man is kind of...maybe...amazing. He wanted to come home and just be with me all night anyway, even if physical stuff wasn't part of the deal. Then he tells me, he's been celibate by choice for the last 4 years (omg can you imagine) because he wasn't a good guy before and now wants to wait until he's serious with a girl. I didn't totally believe him...until we got into bed and he didn't try and make a move. Don't worry, I pulled the "my room is a mess, give me ten minutes" routine and changed the sheets. Again, WHY am I not sponsored in this? (later roomie said, you should have just texted me "emergency! change my sheets please!"-this is why she's the best). We didn't get home until 3 and just slept and cuddled until noon today...then I made him a delicious breakfast of eggs and toast and we had a long long chat for a few hours.

The Details:
Get ready friends, this one is a serious contendor...to the point that I'm super nervous around him, forget how to talk, and am having to try and stay calm.

1. We're referring to him as the music man because, he plays like every instrument there is. Toured with Jason Mraz. Is kind of famous in Bratislava because of how much music he's done here. Leads worship at a church here once a month...

2. After years of "being a bad guy" he got involved in church again and helps lead things at a church here...but he's not super conservative and weird...he drinks, smokes, goes out, swears. Apparently he has a masters of theology too...I know, this guy.

3. He's half Slovak and half canadian, but is living here for at least a year. He's lived all over the world.

4. He's looking for something serious. He's 32 and I think one of his only friends not married. But I dont think that means he wants to settle here in BA. He has the heart of a traveller, so I think he's up for adventures.

5. When I say he's "attractive" and "my type"...I can't even explain this enough. He's the type I gave up on being interested in me because they were so pretty, fashionable, outgoing, and musical so they could get any girl and pretty much ignored me. The fact that this guy is paying me so much attention and kissing me at the bar and then saying, "wow, this is going so well!" and then having his friends high five him because they know he never brings any girls around...I mean damn.

I'm hesitant to let myself feel anything because he's too perfect. And he's Christian enough to be one of those guys whose super picky and will find reasons he won't work with anyone. Plus, he's very outgoing and friendly so I don't know if it's anything special to be treating me this way.

I've been thinking about him since he left this afternoon...I definitely have a crush...and just FB stalked him just to seal in the 15 year old inside of me. I am so glad we had such a great night though. I mean, if anything I had one amazing night being treated like a proper girlfriend and got to end it cuddling with a great guy. And if dating doesn't work, we have a lot in common and I think would be really good friends.

So we'll see what happens.

But if I had my dream job teaching, get to live in my little European city, AND had a serious boy as amazing and this one seems...I just might die of happiness.

It's All Happening!