Tuesday Date

SO last night was my date with SS. Um...it was really fun?! We met at a sushi place in that he had said was his fav...yeah thats right, the two vegetarians ate sushi for the night (it's both our one weakness and a rarity so suck it.) then we went to get SUPER yummy margaritas afterwards at his other fav place...mmm mangos...and went for a walk on the beach. We sat for a long time and talked there and then saw grunions! I have lived here almost my entire life and haven't seen them before! And because he was from Texas, he hadn't seen them either.

Ok, the details. He's really cute! He said he was 5'8 but I only had tiny little heels on and I was taller then him a little...so that was weird. He also says "dude" and "it changed my life!" about EVERYTHING. BUT He made me laugh a lot, I was attracted to him, and the conversation and evening was just so effortless. Even if there was a break in the conversation and we were quiet...it wasn't awkward. It was as if we'd been friends forever. We got to talk about LOST, haha. We made fun of each other. He mentioned hanging out again and how lucky he was to go out with me since I told him I'm picky. My face hurt from smiling:) Another BUT was that he didnt try and make a move on me the ENTIRE evening. Didn't hold my hand...didn't touch my back...not even a hug or kiss goodnight. So that was really weird...he's super into being respectful and sweet and was super chill about even asking me out because he didn't want to over step his boundaries. And I've told him how gross guys have been with me just trying to get into my pants. So he might have been being really careful and slow...but Number 2 and I couldn't keep our hands off each other within hours of meeting (our connection was and is like WHOA) so this was weird for me. I didn't know how to gauge if he liked me or not. Was he just being respectful and sweet or was he just not into me? If he's just being respectful and sweet then WOW am I turned on by that. If I start anything with anyone, I'm going to have to go slow because, as we all know, I'm a little bruised. So if the boy wants to go slow too...then I am IN.

DIRT: Apparently he used to be on crazy drugs and has a really rough past...hence why he smokes so much pot now. He went to rehab before but what really helped him was the pot? He told me all about his cute family and he verified when I asked how proud everyone is of him for getting his life together...he was the problem child of the 5. He also is a super big thrill seeker...he drives his motorcycle really fast, wants to swim with sharks, cliff dive, etc. I am adventurous to a certain extent, but it worries me to consider getting serious with someone who's a thrill seeker. If Number 2 were to do any drugs while we were together I would have been SO upset. If he were to have done something crazy I would have been really nervous the entire time too. When you fall for someone you don't want anything bad to happen to them...it's too heartbreaking to even think about, right?

DRAMA: Then Number 2 texts me and asks how it went...I ask him why he wants to know...he says he wants me to be happy...I tell him the guy was nice and whatever...then he tells me he wants to tell me something...um ok...apparently he really hit it off with a girl he hung out with Saturday night with his friends but assured me nothing happened...yet?
"Um. I don't really know how to respond or feel about that since I've convinced myself that we aren't together because 'ur to focused and busy' and are potentially moving. because if its anything other then that I'm going to feel like shit. so yeah."
Finally he just called me and told me he felt guilty for connecting with someone else and had been thinking about it all day. Apparently she is super dramatic though and has a baby with some guy in jail...cool dude...then he said, "I mean, if I'm going to have drama with anyone I think I want to have it with you". The conversation continued...I tried to put him in my shoes...I mean, he considers me one of his best friends, is attracted to me, we have great sex and an amazing connection with each other...but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me for the aforementioned reasons. So for him to even think about pursuing that with someone else hurts me so much I can't even think straight. I think he understood by the end but still wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't mean you need to pursue it, right?

How is it possible to hate and "love" someone so much at the same time?

I am trying so hard to put my energy into these new guys even though I'm so scared and hurt. And when I do...I get this crap. frustrated.

Tonight I go out with the painter...I think it's just going to be for fun and to talk about art.

Saturday I go out with The New Guy. I am really excited about that one, he seems pretty great too. And pretty sure he doesn't smoke pot on a regular basis.

Who votes SS is going to call me? I seriously don't know.

Annnnnd the douches are surfacing...

my profile on the creepy online dating site begins with something like...
"These are really difficult to write...how do I explain that I'm educated, like to read, and discuss things without sounding pretentious...and how do I exhibit my love for sarcasm and laughing without scattered LOLs?..." then it continues and I attempt to talk about myself. Ok, I might change it someday...but it seems to be working so whatever.

Some douchebag writes me this today:

You'd sound more educated if you wrote "who's" instead of "whose" when you mean "who is"
--
WOW. You have serious issues when your pointing out grammar mistakes on a strangers profile. It wasn't even nice, like trying to look out for me, it was just..."your not smart, heres proof". I was going to write back something clever and bitchy, but the last thing I want to do is get into an online debacle with some idiot.

THEN this weirdo starts messaging me, and we're going back and forth kinda silly and funny messages...he asks if we can meet up some time...then I ask him to put more on his profile because he seriously has NOTHING except one picture and a tiny paragraph of sarcasm about himself...plus he's only 20 and needs some help warranting me meeting him. And HE writes back,
"oh, your one of those insecure impatient girls. nm. nice talking to u, buh bye"
literally, word for word.

OH IM SORRY I dont want to get raped but some old creeper posing as a 20 year old to lure me somewhere and put a roofie in my drink. CLEARLY IM the one with the problems.

In both instances I just delete and move on...I mean, I can bitch back at them, but I am SO much better then that. They aren't even dignified with a response.

Tomorrow I have my date with SS! I am so excited! We are both really looking forward to actually meeting each other...it will be sad if our chemistry when talking isn't there in person. I'm nervous!

Wednesday date with painter.

Friday or Saturday date with a NEW boy. Details to come.

It's not skanky to date more then one boy if I'm not sleeping with any of them right? I mean...it's all first dates...if something were to lead somewhere then I would stop seeing other people...like I did with Number 2. So no, not skanky. Just AWESOME.

Worked all day with my babycakes...dinner all night with my girls and obnoxious strangers...so tired...

lovelove.

Germankiss86

Dear Germankiss86. Its not going to happen. Nice try.

Today SS and I talked on the phone for what ended up being an hour. It was so effortless. Always a good sign. AND he made me LAUGH. I never realized how important this was to me until after my date with Drums, Number 2 asked me "did he make you laugh like I do?". It was kind of a dick thing to say on this part, but Drums hadn't made me laugh. Not once. Number 2 continues to make me laugh...even when I was (or still do get) angry at him, he was funny and it smoothed things over. SS always makes me laugh too, we even tease each other about whose funnier. OOoo we already have inside jokes.

I had to move tomorrow nights date with nerdy painter to Wednesday because my girls are going to Stone to celebrate my new job and say goodbye to Heather whose moving too far away. I don't feel a connection with nerdy painter AT ALL...and from his pictures I wasn't super attracted to him either. But I am still excited to talk to him about art and make a new friend for the evening like Drums...I'm just always afraid they'll fall for me and call and want to see me again...that's what happened last year with ONE. I was NOT feeling anything and he kept trying to call and message me for another date. Luckily I started to fall for Number 2 right then too and used him as an excuse. I don't like not calling back because I just feel so awful and hate when boys do that to me, but hurting someone is really hard, right?

Number 2 and I had an interesting convo today. Still trying to shift into the friends zone and its getting easier and easier not to crumble into a crying pile every time he says something that makes it clear hes not into me. I haven't cried in ages now. He keeps asking about my dates...and I told him I dont like talking about it with him because either reaction is going to hurt and confuse me. Either he will start to be upset and want me back or he just doesn't care which hurts even more.
me: I feel weird talking to you about this
Number 2: I know but I really am happy for you, you deserve someone who treats you right. I don't feel threatened, I am confident in myself. I mean, if I really wanted you I could get you back easily.

That last one was a little tough. Basically...I don't want you.
But I didn't get upset. I just took it in stride and changed the subject. He also said some great things about how I'm like his best friend and we should probably hang out soon...and how he clearly does care about me by pursuing being my friend. But this time I didn't take it as "HE LOVES ME!" like I used to. I just took it for what it was and after we hung up I text flirted with SS instead.

I'm trying really hard right? I'm not going to lie, it's really scary to try and like someone else. I feel pretty bruised. Which I knew was part of the bargain getting involved with anyone, so I'm ok with it. But I'm just scared of getting hurt again so soon. Luckily this SS guy seems pretty awesome...not a heartbreaker douche like Number 2. He is very gentle and sweet in how he pursues me. And is very relaxed and easy going which is totally what I need in a boy or in just a new friend. Right now I am loving how active he is...not in exercising which we have discussed before as being an issue with me, hehe. But in just exploring our city since he's new here. I have a ton of things I want to do with him because he's never done them! I was really lacking attention with Number 2...we never did anything. He didn't want to take me out to eat because I don't eat meat or dairy. He never made time for me to do actual fun things. We always just went to the movies...which was fun. (Especially that one time;) But I never realized how much I want someone to DO things with. I am very social. I need to get OUT.

This is too long.

Weekend

This is my new bestie Crash. I get to play with him and walk him everyday with the baby. I think he looks like a Margaret so sometimes I call him that. He's so funny! I LOVE MY JOB.

SS and I have continued to chat and text over the last few days. Its been really nice actually. Sometimes when I go to text Number 2 something...I purposely decide to text SS instead. Still trying to get me and Number 2 in the friendship zone as much as possible. Its still weird, because the more separation we have the more I get over him...but also the more sad I am that we aren't together. I'm assuming its just going to take time, like anything else. SS set our date for Tuesday...I asked him to plan it, so we'll see how it goes. I'm getting really excited to meet him...I'll just be sad if our awesome chemistry isn't there when we meet. I have all these fun things I want to do with him since he's new to San Diego. Plus, this guy is really into me. He is really excited to meet me and is so sweet. I'm so nervous! Annie already has tomorrow planned for us: go stalk the neighbor she likes at Vitamin World and then off to Starbucks to stalk SS. Don't worry, I vetoed.

I'm having a fantastic weekend! I'm a little tired...but am trying to get enough sleep and alone time to balance out all the fun. Yesterday was my first official day with my new permanent family:) It was long, but I had a great day with baby R. I just continue to feel SO STINKIN blessed that I have found such a sweet family, we just all adore each other. I already feel like we're family. And baby R? are you kidding? Hes totally the new love of my life. Last night the movie night was a blast with Micah and Melissa...there is just something so wonderful about hanging out with girls...let alone single girls. I just adore it. Of course the said event would have been great with a date, but I think I equally enjoy my girl time now. Such progress.

Then today Annie and I went to the Chargers game! My first one! Oh man, it was such a spectacle. HIlarious people from all over jumbled together in mayhem. We only made it to half time. But it was pretty great. Not going to lie, probably won't go again since I didn't understand or was able to see 80% of what was going on...but hey, it was free entertainment with my Annie!

Tomorrow, clean the house for titi's visit Monday. REST. and book club. Titi Bambi (my Aunt) is coming for moms LAST week of chemo. LAST WEEK!!!! By Christmas, mom should have her hair back:) It should be a good week...2 dates...I work 3 days...and titi will make us yummy spanish rice and tell us funny stories. Hope mom hangs in there though, we're all dreading Monday but excited for it to be the last stretch before the finish line.


Annie in her awesome hat to protect her sensitive ginger skin from the SUPER HOT sun. Who tailgates in the middle of summer without shade?!


Watching the game:)

Hikes, Jobs, and HAWAII!!!

You may be asking yourself, WHY is there a beautiful picture of Kauai, Hawaii on here? WELL let me explain. Remember I got a job on MW for a family? And then I've been also working for this temp job whose nanny was having an emergency? WELL the temp job offered me a 30hr/week position today! Their old nanny has just been sucking and has been out for a month so they were just finally over it. But they are offering me less money per hour...and today I was on an interview for a T/TH job that I will prob get. So I would have 30hrs/week between the MW and T/TH jobs but with more hourly pay. BUT the T/TH job was 40minutes away without traffic...annnnd if I wanted to do anything with the little guy (which I do!) it'd all be at least 2 hours away. So I proceeded to freak out all day. I analyzed what to do over and over again. I was shaking at one point...and my tummy hurt at other points. Then mom helped me calculate everything out...and realized it was about the same amount of pay in the end (they were going to throw in a gas card to help bump up the pay) annnd they offered to bump up my pay after a 6 month review. So after thinking and thinking and talking to lots of different people about what to do. I just did it. I called the MW job and told her IM SO SORRY I KNOW YOU HATE ME via voicemail (thank God she didn't pick up). And I took the job with my little babycakes baby R! I love that baby so much, Im so excited to see him tomorrow. Im also super excited to see him grow up over the next year...its going to FLY by. All of a sudden he'l be eating solid foods and walking...oh man. So another perk of this job, is that. well. They are taking me to. yes. HAWAII. Kauai to be exact. What about expenses? PAID. Are they going to pay you too? YES. Will you have time off? YES. Do you love your life? YES. We go next month. NEXT MONTH.

Also, had the hike date today with Drums. Poor Drums. As soon as I saw him I knew it wasn't going to happen. Somehow he looked and acted SO MUCH like my super ex bf from high school who I am NOT attracted to at all anymore. He even talked and laughed like him. It was weird. Plus, he ended up being a year or so younger then me and was already kind of immature. Not as cute as his pictures. Wore loose levis and old middle school looking vans (not cool old ones)...and a necklace...and a bracelet...it was upsetting. BUT he was so cute and had this backpack all packed with water for each of us, sunscreen, and a veggie subway sandwich for us to share! We had good conversation, it wasn't awkward, and we just gushed about music lots. I actually had a good time, but it was more like hanging out with a weird friend...not anything romantic.

After the emotional day and SUPER strenuous hike in this horrible heat...I am DONE. I dont even know how Im going to get up so early tomorrow. But I will, because its my first day of work!!!

my body hates life.

Also...Number 2 found out about my date and kept texting me funny things. Asking about the guy. I was laughing. Then invited me out tonight, but made sure to say it would just be as friends. I said no for many reasons...including Im SO tired and have to work in the am. Then he said, "so since your dating, am I allowed to date too?"
me: I would rather neither of us were dating other people but someone in this conversation doesn't so that doesn't leave me a lot of options does it?
Number 2: (silence)
me: ok well good night...

me and SS are still chatting...i just wish he didn't smoke so much pot and wasn't an atheist. Annie made a valid point today, "So WHY are we still talking to him?"

because Im lonely and he is filling the bestie void Number 2 left.
And because Im not that invested, I can peace at any time.
so there.

Hikes & Happenings

My version of a hike.


Tomorrow DRUMS and I will be going on a hike for our date at 3pm:) SO excited! and now the dreaded question of WHAT THE HELL DO I WEAR?! On a hiking date?! You may or may not know me...but I am not very outdoorsy. I love to travel and have been in some pretty extreme situations...but I was NOT happy about it. I dont like to complain, but I am fussy. However, I told him he just couldn't laugh at me when I die going up the giant hill...but he said the trail he chose is along the beach and pretty mellow...so hopefully I won't embarrass myself entirely.

As far as SS goes...look at what I received this morning:
Subject: sorry if i upset you
message: so i dont really like how things went down yesterday. your a cool person and we have so much in common. i think its a waste not to talk. i ll consider smoking less or not smoking if that would make you more comfortable. i think we should talk again. do you ?

then he messaged me while I was reading other boys who want to go out with me and asked if I wanted to talk or no? I told him I was still thinking about it. He apologized again. And I thought about it AWHILE. Then decided it couldn't hurt to at least hang out with the guy. He wasn't pressuring me to, but I dont want to just cut him off without ever having met him. We really do have a lot in common, and have great talks. And I truly think if anything, we would be awesome friends. If we were just friends he could smoke all the live long day and I wouldn't care.

Also, date on monday with the painter! Despite a semi awkward conversation tonight on the phone, I still decided to go for it. I just need to go on some dates!

So lets see...tomorrow Drums...Monday Painter...another day next week with SS. HOT COMMODITY.

I feel good about myself today.

SS & Jobs

Me and Stoney Starbucks (SS) were getting along so well! We were chatting online lots and even made plans to go to a movie in the park next Friday. I was starting to really like him and I was excited to be his friend. Then he brought up the pot smoking thing again...and again I told him I wasn't really interested in dating someone like that. hahaha he got all defensive and freaked out and "doesn't want to waste my time anymore". He genuinely tried to convince me that since it made him happy it was ok that he smoked everyday. He was SERIOUS. I tried to be so nice about it...and told him he can do whatever he wants, its just not my thing. Based on people I know and experience. I mean...every once in awhile is one thing...but EVERYDAY?! Then he tried to tell me I was conservative and I just started laughing at that point. How immature do you have to be to try and argue with a girl (that you totally are into) that smoking everyday is perfectly fine? He was really nice and everything, I think he was mad that I was willing to just drop everything because he smoked everyday. Uh yeah...I can find an awesome guy who DOESNT smoke everyday and is happy based on other things...ya freak.

A painter and I have also been corresponding. Mostly about art and such...we have a lot in common and live in the same area. He asked if we could get a drink sometime:) I am SO busy this weekend, so I said maybe next week. Another boy is writing with me too...I am well loved Stoney Starbucks, YOUR the one who needs to get a clue.

lets see...date Thursday with Drums...Friday night movie in the park with Melissa and Micah...and Chargers game on Saturday with Annie! woohoo! Excited for the weekend!

PLUS tomorrow I have a temp job (money for the weekend!) and I was offered a long term nanny job M/W!!! yayyyy! I start on Monday! So now I am trying to secure a position for the rest of the days of the week. I'm a little irritated...just as I have decided to give up on full time nanny jobs and build up part time ones...a bunch of full time jobs came up on the sites and agencies I use. Like 5-7 jobs! There have hardly been ANY all summer! arg. Oh well, theres a lot of competition for those and I think I can snag this temp job into being long term. Please Jesus!

Tomorrow Drums should be calling about our Thursday date:)

Drums

Who has a date on Thursday with Drums?
ME!

After we texted yesterday, I was a little forward and texted him today asking how his day was. He initially said he would call me either today or tomorrow about going out. But still, I dont like texting/calling boys first so it was a big deal. Instead of texting me back, he called me back! We talked about our days and a lot about music...we have the exact same taste, which is HUGE for me. Except he loves the Red Hot Chilie Peppers and I LOATHE them for various reasons I can not get into at this time. But besides that, we had a really great conversation. And he asked what I was doing Thursday evening...so we have a date for 7!!! I told him to think of something fun for us to do and he's going to call me Wednesday with the plan. By the looks of his picture, messages, and our conversation...he seems like a genuinely SWEET guy who is totally cute and loves music and has a real job. I'm not really sure how he is single. Not really sure how to deal with this. And unfortunately, as girls will do, I feel like he's going to think I'm fat and not like me. I mean, I have confidence in who I am and I love my hot sexy body (same measurements as Red from Mad Men here), but what if he doesn't? I tried to accurately show myself in the pictures, but what if he pictures me thinner and is bummed? ARG. I need to keep remembering, "If he doesn't want me, then I dont want him!" and thats all there is to it. Besides, pretty much any boy I come across tries to get into my pants asap...so I guess it won't be a problem. But is that a sign of attraction or do they just want to touch a girls boobs?

I'm adding a cast of characters to the side panel to help keep track of everyone I frequently mention on here. If I'm missing someone, leave me a comment! I know its annoying to be behind a few posts and not know what Im talking about.

IM REALLY EXCITED ABOUT LIFE RIGHT NOW!!!

(also probably because I may have a job offer...stay tuned!)

Oh No You Didn't

Sorry for the drama in the previous post. Recently every time I drink I get EXTREMELY sad and to top it off with MEANIE pants being a jerk face...I was a mess. I woke up the next morning more than fine, still hurt, but back on the "WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!" train and "IM WAY TO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT" bus. He called me the next day to try and smooth things over...but he didn't actually apologize and didn't want to talk about it because "hes not good with dealing with his emotions" I still dont even know why he was upset about the texts...besides his crazy response to me. Maybe thats it? Either way, it helped to kill even more of what feelings I have left for him. Of what hope I had for us someday. Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who "doesn't deal well with emotions" and wont talk to me about things? This isn't the first time either, obviously. He'd hurt me, I'd communicate that I was hurt and why, and he'd apologize the next day and then make jokes to make me laugh or compliment me or we'd have awesome sex so I'd get distracted and fall back into being all lovey dovey. But nothing was ever resolved. Which is why we need to just be friends. Why I need to NOT call or text him when Im under the influence of alcohol...for that matter neither should he. We desperately want to be friends with each other but just keep hurting each other, which is why we try and keep our distance. I dont want to ruin what little we have left. But I also need to not care about him as much, he only serves to disappoint me.

Can I just say that I have come SO far. I am currently messaging with about 5 legit guys on the creepy online dating site. I messaged close to 10 myself trying to put myself out there...most of them didn't respond, but instead of feeling rejected I just decided to be fine with it. As my dear Melissa always reminds me, "if they dont want you, then you dont want them. done". And I have two boys who are seriously interested, asked for my number, and we're probably going to go out this week. A few more that are working up to it. Boy #1 we'll call "Drums" since he's a full time music teacher (swoon) and boy #2 we'll call Stoney Starbucks since he already told me he smokes everyday and works at Starbucks right by my house. Pretty sure Drums is a winner and Stoney Starbucks (SS for short) is going to just be a good friend. I dont do potheads. Which I told him...we IMed awhile last night, convo went somewhat like this:

SS: So do you smoke?
Me: nope. not my thing.
SS: what if it was my thing? would that change your interest?
Me: oh noooo you just lost so many points Bud
SS: I wouldnt do it around you
Me: its just very unattractive to me

we talked a little more about it. It was hard because we had so much in common and enjoyed talking to each other. But I just cant be into someone with a drug habit, it makes u stupid and dirty and I just need someone classier then that. So I think we will be friends...unless he decides to quit the habit...he tried to convince me it wasn't a habit that he just "enjoyed it". haha. yeah right.

So I'm pulling for Drums! We messaged and texted in between his music lessons...he seemed super interested and we also had a lot in common. Plus, he said he'd call me today or tomorrow. It's weird to be excited about someone else. But, I like it:)

As if I Couldn't Get More Broken

So its 12:28am. While I wait for my tylenol PM to kick in...I cant think of anything else to help me process but this. So...today was Jesse and Jordans surprise engagement party, yay! It was pretty fun and I drank a lot...because, well, I can. I've been thinking of Number 2 all day and how weird it is that he hasn't called me all week...I havent been texted, IMed, called, or anything since the wedding. So I ventured to call him after Annie drove me home (yeah, drank too much) and we just chatted for awhile...mostly him talking about himself.

Then it came out.

Conversation goes something along the lines of...me texting him on the day of the wedding is the reason he hasn't called me all week. And he doesn't want to talk to me and essentially doesn't really care how Im doing. Please note, Im not exaggerating. I am simply paraphrasing his exact words to me. Then his phone ran out of battery which he warned me may happen. I of course started to bawl my eyes out and called Cassie all the way in Sweden because it was 11:30pm here and she's the only one awake, plus I love her more than life itself. Even now, I sit here tears streaming from my eyes as I attempt to understand how a human being can be so cruel to someone who cares so much about them. I considered the day after the wedding texts that they may have been weird and maybe I should apologize...but really, I was honost about how I felt. I shouldn't feel bad about expressing my feelings to him. And I wasn't THAT drunk at the time...OR when I was just talking to him. I was just at that point where you say what you really feel. Which I said to him earlier, "so your upset that I told you how I felt? Im not allowed to have feelings?"

And you read my posts, you can see that I have been trying not to write about him and have been trying to put myself out there and meet new people. But really. I still think about him. Not nearly as much as I used too...but I still do. And at the wedding as I thought about what I would do for my wedding...I still imagined him there. And even when I get excited about dating someone new I still think of it as being temporary because I "know" me and Number 2 will get back together eventually.

Why do I keep going back for more?
Why do I keep putting myself in a position to get hurt and disappointed by him over and over again?
Why am I doing this to myself?

And to be honost, I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that its taking me so long to get over him. That someone who has hurt me so deeply still has such a hold over me and I still let make me cry. I feel weak and stupid and powerless. And I feel so alone I almost forgot Bella was here. I almost forgot that I could have called any of my girls and they would have talked to me crying all night...11:30p or not. I always apologize over and over again to Annie whenever I have a break down, "Im so sorry Im so emotional and dramatic (insert tears)" and she always says "WHY are you sorry? DONT be sorry!" and essentially says
"I love you. your normal. Im here for you" And yet Im still embarrassed that this so called "independent woman" can be so beat down by a douche bag who treats her like shit.

Im not sure I've accurately expressed the hurt Im feeling at the moment. Im pretty sure hearing that from ANYONE would deeply wound someone...let alone the one person you have let yourself love your entire adult life. And every time he hurts me I cant even function because everything else in my life comes crashing down in my head too...mom going through chemo...not having a job or being able to teach...being broke...being alone...having so many friends be so far away...that list you push in the back of your head CRASHES into every pore of your being when he rejects you AGAIN.

I was trying to think of something to text him...but decided he didn't deserve a response from me. So thats it. Im not going to call or text him, he can just go fuck himself.

all I keep thinking is, "WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?"

and really, there is no reason. I am perfectly wonderful. I really am.

Messages & Activity

(ugh. so not me)

I've been trying really hard to put myself out there on the online dating site thing...I've messaged probably 5-10 guys that are considered to be "matches" who are super cute and we have things in common...its actually been a lot of fun and a good challenge to putting myself out there. But only one guy has responded in the last 2 days, and I think he just wants to email and make friends (what single straight man wants to just be friends with this piece of HOT ass?!). The random guys who are weird and Im not interested in are still messaging me though, this is by far my favorite:

HELLO THERE!
I CAME ACROSS YOUR PROFILE AND I'M INTERESTED IN KNOWING MORE ABOUT YOU. JUDGING FROM WHAT I READ, YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE! ...BEAUTIFUL BEYOND THE PAINT ON THE SURFACE. YOU ARE CULTURED, EDUCATED, MATURE, CARING, FUN, INTRIGUING, AN ADVENTURER, ....I THE LIST OF AWESOME QUALITIES YOU POSSESS GOES ON AND ON!
IT WOULD BE GREAT TO BEFRIEND YOU, AND I HOPE TO HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY. I'LL PATIENTLY AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE. UNTIL THEN, TAKE CARE, HAVE FUN AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

--
yeah. wow. the all caps stressed me out so much I didn't even know how to respond. But besides his profile ALSO being in all caps, he seemed like a nice normal guy. So I was nice and responded and kind of teased him about the all caps. I am surprised by how much higher the caliber of men is on the site then when I was on it last fall.

So something has concerned me...I'm not particularly "active". I mean, I try and exercise every other day and I eat healthy and everything...but I was never into "sports" and am not very adventurous in doing something like...say...scuba diving. To be honost, I get really scared because Im claustrophobic so certain things scare me and I just dont like being all sweaty and icky. Plus, Im super afraid of getting hurt and/or embarrassing myself. Ok, so all these boys are all into being active and stuff. Is it unattractive that I dont have a particular outside activity that Im into? I enjoy being outdoors...walking...traveling...hiking...sight seeing...but nothing like, skiing or surfing or running or something. Is this something concerning? Of course Im not going to just take up something so I can appear active when its just not my thing. And I guess I would be more interested in trying something with the love of my life...I dont know. Maybe I need to take up dancing or something. Ugh. Physical activity.

Shady Spot

Moving out might not work out...variety of reasons, including me not having a job and needing to save for at least a few months before I can get outta here. It'll happen...I just need to continue to be patient. Speaking of job, things are looking up! Another interview tomorrow and Ill hear back from a job tomorrow too. Both are only 2 days a week...so even if I get both (Please!) I'll still need more hours. I'm also hoping to get connected to a M/W/F job...something has to work out soon. It feels like forever...and Im so tired of being poor and bored. Its hard to enjoy your unemployment when your broke and feel so pressured to just sit and look for jobs all day that dont exist.

No online date prospects yet. None of the cute boys responded to me yet and But I have had 2 emails and these other weird "winks" from unattractive ones...which is still nice I guess.

Have been doing some thinking lately. I have time, obviously. Bella and I go for a long walk pretty much everyday...I find its the only thing that motivates and rejuvenates me...when we get to shady grassy lawns Bella jumps onto them and lays down for a rest. Its pretty much the cutest thing ever, especially because its the same lawns every time. Shady spots. During these long hot walks when you're so thirsty and tired...all of a sudden a shady spot comes up. And as long as you need to sit there, you can. Before you get back up and keep walking. I decided my summer of unemployment is my shady spot. Hardest year of my life...an extra hot and uphill part of my walk...I've needed this summer time to recuperate. Time to sleep. Read. Craft. Watch Movies. Take care of mom. See friends and family. Cook. Garden. Bake. Fall out of love.

Movies have been making my cry a lot lately. Cried at the end of Crazy Heart and Secret Life of Bees today...actually cried the entire last half hour of each movie. Since Im pretty sure its not hormonal, I think its just one of the side effects of being in a shady spot.

until next time.
lovelove.

Happenings

A lot has been happening, but nothing super exciting quite yet so I havent updated. First of all, I changed the background on here for a little switch up, created a twitter account, and added a counter to see how much my blog is being viewed. WHEW! 51 people in just a few days! A few of those were myself installing the changes...but otherwise, you guys are awesome! Who are you reader? Do you know me or are you strangers admiring from afar? Either way, I love you. Keep reading. Things are about to get even more interesting.

So. Something happened today. I may or may not have re-signed up for the free online dating site I met Number 2 and the other guys I dated last fall on. Besides the occasional set backs...I am really getting over him and think some dates with other men would do me some good. Plus, before the dates comes the awkward messages from boys exclaiming, "your really beautiful" and such...I can certainly deal with some of that. hehe. I sat looking at the welcome page for a really long time before actually creating my profile. So many memories. And it hurt to have to admit that I was going to date someone else. But it really is time. For now its just an in between until I can afford to join match.com which I heard is more legitimate. So what does this mean? It means more drama. enjoy.

Also: I had an interview for a job today! yay! Its just for a Tuesday/Friday job with a cute little itty bitty baby and a 5 year old. She loved me and wasn't shy about it, but said she was interviewing another woman who had tons of infant experience. But I still have a chance if our personalities match better then the other ladies. Plus, Im a teacher...and they are too...they loved that. Hopefully her friend will have other days for me M/T/W so I can fill my week. Please Jesus! I need a job so...

Im might moving out!!! Ok, its not totally official yet. But Annie and Sara want to move out of their place...I want to move...and uncles condo is available 2 blocks from the beach and 2 blocks from fun things in our little beach city. SO us 3 girls and Hammy the Hamster and Bella my doggie are looking to move in mid September into the little 2 bedroom! However, first and formost I need a job asap. And we need to check it out and make sure the 3 of us could live there without killing each other. Plus, its right by the train that goes by at 5am...I dont think its that bad and we'll get used to it...but still. Again, please Jesus give me a job!

In other news, me and Annie have been enjoying watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy the last few nights. Teen Jeopardy to be exact. And I totally dominate. We're turning into old women.

lovelove.

Wedding

So today T & C got married! Sooooo T is Cassies ex bf...and T's brother is my ex bf...so it was kind of weird going in. I was nervous. The people there were weird, to say the least. BUT they had open bar with wine and beer and mixers (if you had a flask...which of course I did) and I looked pretty fricken hot, so I felt ok for the most part. However...after a few glasses of wine the "why am I alone?!" and "why doesnt he love me?!" started up again and I almost cried a few times during the reception. Yeah...I was that girl. Poor Annie...she kept catching me staring into space being a psycho and wondering if I was ok. Nope, not ok...but I will be someday, hopefully. Then this happened:

Me: note to self: dont go to a wedding without a date where ur ex bf is with his gf. I feel bad about myself:(
Number 2: why
me: weddings make single girls with their ex bfs and their gfs in attendance feel ugly and like theyll be alone forever. I wish i was allowed to bring a date and make you be nice to me for a night. annnnnd Im drunk so sorry if im offensive in any way at this time.
Number 2: they are all jealous that u have a rockin smile and...*****
me: valid point. thanks.

me (later): do you not love me because Im not good at sex? I wonder this almost everyday
Number 2: no. because im selfish and didnt see a great thing and beauty in front of me
me: u break my heart everyday.

sorry Im a failure girls and texted him all drunk like. I AM THE WORST. I really do wonder if Im not good at sex and thats why things are the way they are...I wonder whats wrong with me and why he doesnt love me...I wonder how I could have been better...if I was skinnier...when Im sane I know that I did nothing wrong. That Im awesome and beautiful. That he chose the GMAT and grad school over me and thats why Im so hurt. That I made the right decision ending things because he wasn't treating me right. That I am worth more than that. But weddings and wine and ex boyfriends make it so damn difficult to be sane.


Annie and Jordan looking HOT



Me and the GROOM! Love it!



"Its just hard to go to a wedding and go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend and his new girl there"- Me
"yeah, but your not alone, your with your girls!"- Cassie



Love them

The Conversation.

Interaction with Hotty McNeighbor.

This is how it went according to me:

him: hey! your looking good!
me: YOUR looking good!



Actual conversation according to Annie who witnessed said event:

him: hey! you again!
me: YOUR looking good!

Besides that, apparently this morning Annie and the roomies all witnessed him walking a girl down the stairs on her walk of shame and then he turned back to flash all my friends a huge smile. Soooooo pretty sure this ones not going anywhere. I even considered "lowering" my standards for someone who isnt necessary SO super hot, but seemed sweet and like he would be nice to me so it was ok (think, Shes out of your League...not, damn this girls a bitch). Apparently even when I do that it doesn't work out.

In other news, Number 2 keeps calling, texting, and IMing me. And of course its NEVER the conversation I want it to be, "I miss you, I want to be with you, Im sorry, Im going to change because your worth it". No. of course not. Its always to just talk about his stupid GMAT or grad school or something...which ok, I do care about his life...thats just not the conversation I want him to call me about. And then lately I went to see Inception with a male friend of mine, and Number 2 got all fussy because apparently he wanted to see it with me and acted like we're movie buddies...which we were...WHEN I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME AND WANTED TO BE WITH ME. But now? I'm supposed to just wait around for him to invite me to things? so frustrating. and its even harder because I still have feelings for him. I still really want to have sex, and only with him. I still want to move somewhere with him. I still...want to marry him...ok, still (love) him. But dont tell me that, because Im getting over it. Slowly but surely. Its just really hard when he keeps calling and flirting with me all the time.

dear boys, as usual...you suck.

The Makeout

So, yes I'm going through a post-my heart is broken-I am so lonely-time in my life. And yes, this means I flirt with any cute and single boy and have made out with 2 stranger boys in like...3 weeks. Which isn't totally uncommon for some girls my age, but for me and many other girls my age, it is. Recall Hotty McNeighbor boy who lives upstairs from Annie...who never asked for my number...and whom I've seen twice since then and he always says hi and "good to see you!" and whatever...but still hasn't asked for my number or invited me or us to come and hang out. And note, we didn't JUST make out...we talked the entire evening about a variety of things...he even used the line, "so...what do you like in a guy?" (BTW is this a line or is this legit? I feel like hes not cool enough to pull a line like that)...and, "this is so funny, dont people usually try not to talk about politics and religion on the first date? and here we are." so there was some reference about this resembling a first date. we talked all evening and only made out for the last...oh...30 minutes on and off. So it wasn't just a drunken kiss fest (like the brazilian;). So now I am wondering...girls, are we doing this backward? Are we making out with boys BEFORE an actual date and then expecting something afterwards? I mean, its not sex so its not at all the same...but maybe my problem was expecting something from this. I mean, kissing Brazilian in the night club was one thing...of course I don't expect anything from that...but kissing a boy you chatted with all night and was super into you is totally another, right?

I accidentally told my mom we didn't just talk all night, that we also made out...she was so concerned it was so cute. "Now aren't you taking things backwards? I mean...you don't want to appear...loose" Yeah...actual words of my mother. HIlarious. (Especially since I was the opposite of "loose" when someone wanted something more but this someone said, "NO, Im a lady!")

But culturally nowadays does the make out come before the dates or vice versa? Does it matter? Should I stop making out with boys I actually want to date me? How do we feel about turning my brain off and just seeing what happens? Because GOOD LORD I get tired of overanalyzing.

PS update on events:
-did P90X with Annie yesterday right around quitting time with all the windows and doors open just in case SOME PERSONS decided to come home while we were kicking and punching all sweaty-like.

-the one room mate we DIDNT make out with asked Annie to sew on his button just now (so cute) and then invited us to the races with them this evening. But it was more of a "we're going to the races, you should come!" invite...which doesn't really count. And wasn't from either said boys. Plus I have awesome plans tonight I do not plan on breaking.

-Told Annie to be brave and invite them for a BBQ tomorrow night since they have a BBQ and we have a patio and we've already discussed the marriage that should take place. We'll see what happens.

Until next time...

lovelove.

Negligee, Chapter Titles, & FB stalkers.

A Couple of Things

Due to my recent unemployment I've been having a love affair with magazines...ReadyMade, Elle, Glamour, Relevant, Interview, W, and the 2 I got from the library for 50cents Harpers Bazaar and Cosmo. Now, I have never really been into Cosmo...it seemed so trite, over sexualized, and low class compared to say...Elle. But oh man, for some reason after this random issue I picked up I am totally in love! It was like hanging out with my really fun girl friends talking about sex, health, fashion, and even unemployment and relationships...plus it was such an easy read I could just turn my brain off and enjoy. So this issue had this big article on things to do when your feeling blah...or something like that...one of them was about getting ready naked in your room and leaving the windows open...or some such, not all the time, just when you want to feel a little sexy and naughty. I get ready naked anyway with the windows kind of open, so instead I decided to try something else fun. Wearing my sexy negligee to garden in my semi private back yard, take out the trash in the front, when I let the dog go the the bathroom in the front. I wear them to bed and around the house, but I used to put on a sweater or sweat pants when I went outside. Not yesterday! Yesterday was a good day! I recommend you trying it.

Yesterday Micah and I were discussing what determines success in a relationship and how it should be a chapter in our book.I've been thinking a lot about it. Is it how the relationship was DURING or how it ended? If its based on how it ended then most of us would have failures unless we're married...but if its based on how it was DURING...how he made you feel, how you grew, a sweet friendship you got out of it, reaching a new level of intimacy in your heart, being in love and all the joy that comes with it, or just getting some good hot sex...then maybe a "successful" relationship isn't determined by how it ends. I've been thinking a lot about this. Maybe us girls need to redefine how we look at our past relationships. Maybe they didnt all end well, but was the ride worthwhile? Reminds me of the quote I have on a cute postcard in my room,


Today I logged into my FB and surprise! A new stalker awaited me! I had a message with the subject line being "wow..."
here is the message:
"I was looking at who was going to the SD Bike Polo event and... well... I didn't mean to facebook creep you, but your pic really caught my eye. So, excuse me for being forward. Wow... you have a very captivating look."

So this guys profile says hes from Az, which makes no sense why he would message me if he actually wanted to meet...so it appears to just be a really nice stalker. Plus, he was kinda cute.

Thank God for random boys who boost your self esteem.

lovelove.

Hotty McNeighbor

So just when I think my self esteem couldn't get any worse, boys start falling in love with me at every turn! And keep telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and a sweetheart! What do I even do with that?!

The events: So Annie has a not-so-secret crush on one of the boys who live above her...imagine an apartment full of boys our exact age who are all manly and build things and such...so naturally she got drunk and baked them cookies. And naturally they invited us up for drinks and to hang out. And naturally Annie continued to get drunk to the point that she was a crazy person, and I was pretty much sober after just a few glasses of wine...so she was the crazy fun silly one and I was the witty sexy mysterious one. A role which I play well. So while Annies trying to get all up in the grill of her crush, I just talked and flirted with the other 3 boys who live there. Lo and behold they all pretty much LOVED me, they kept complimenting me and wanting me to stay even if Annie peaced out. The drunk one kept calling me a sweetheart and beautiful and kissed my cheek a few times, haha. Honestly, it was EXACTLY what I needed. One in particular, lets call him Hotty McNeighbor, couldn't keep his eyes off me. And then started sitting real close...then put his arm around me...then put his hand on my leg...all while we were talking about politics and religion and his family and job...I was surprised how comfortable I was talking with him even though I had just met him. He pretty much won me over when he told me he built the furniture in his room, works for fun on Sundays at a farmers market in Santa Monica, and has all these beautiful nieces and nephews hes clearly in love with. Plus more than once he called me sexy, beautiful, and gorgeous. So hes got that going for him. So talking turned into kissing...and then more talking...then more kissing...and things were going so well! He seems like an actual NICE guy who I think would treat me well and take care of me. But then drunk Annie needed me to put her to bed and I knew if I stayed things would get a little too hot and heavy...so I went home like a nice girl. Unfortunately in the scramble he didn't ask for my number. But he knows how to find me. So Miss Mysterious remains intact.

Meanwhile...tomorrow Im going out with a guy who Im not sure if we're dating or are just friends. Last time we spent together was a little weird for me...conversation didnt flow and I couldnt tell if he was into me or not and it was really confusing. I come from a world where you dont really have guy friends, either they're your boyfriend OR you have your girl friends but thats it. And Im fine with that. Why would a guy want to be a girls friend if he didnt want to fuck her? It'd just be a waste of time. Doesnt make any sense to me. He invited me to hang out last week too but I was at the Padres game...so 3 weeks in a row hes wanted to get together on his day off. Thats someone whose into you right? We're going downtown for happy hour somewhere and then he has other mysterious activities planned. Im just excited to hang out with him again and see what happens. But most importantly, I just DONT know what to wear.

lovelove.

Caught. Fantastic.

Had such a fantastic weekend! listened to free blues in the park with my girls, Mom and I met Tori Spelling at her book signing (yeah, we're cool like that), an evening of playing cards with my girlies and the momma, and then today I spent with Kelsey shopping it up at the Nordstrom anniversary sale. AMAZING find of a NON wool winter coat with a hood. Barely buttons over my huge boobs, but I got it anyway. I really really need one and need to accept the fact that nothing will fit over those suckers and then slim correctly over my smaller waist. Oh the woes of being an hourglass bombshell;)

Spending time with the loves of my life was exactly what I needed...always trying to keep busy with happy things and not wallow in my depression of being unemployed-broken hearted-mom on chemo-all my friends are far away-broke-BLEH.
Much more fun to laugh and love<3

A Moment: We were just finishing up the jazz festival and we were all talking and laughing...I may have drank half a bottle of delicious red wine but was ok for the most part. Then, without warning, a flood of emotions overwhelmed my heart and Annie caught me staring into space with a look like I was about to cry. Probably because I was about to cry.
"aww whats wrong, you just got so sad"
"ohhh yeah...sorry...that happens sometimes...there is a lot to be sad about...Im fine...sorry"

Want to know what I was thinking?
What five words I've been echoing in my head when I dont even realize it?
What keeps me up at night?
Out of everything going on in my life, what won't leave me alone?

Why doesn't he love me?

Even now I get teary eyed because all of my pain and hurt ultimately lead to that question every time.
I mean really, why?
I just keep reminding myself how awesome I am and that someone out there will realize that and treat me right, I know it will happen. But for this moment. This echo. It just really hurts.

Otherwise...
This week is our 2nd to last chemo week for the momma. I haven't written about this AT ALL because the blog wasn't anonymous and I wanted to respect my moms privacy, she doesn't want it all over FB. But now that we're here. I've written a little blurb about it here if you want to know more. So besides being at the clinic all day this week, I've decided to try my hand at quilting. I've been meaning to take my old band shirts and make them into a quilt for using for picnics and such...I dont know how to quilt of course, but I sure am going to try. I dont even know how to sew. And Im going to have to conquer my fear of sewing machines. So it should be interesting.

lovelove.

A Lot of Things

A lot has happened since my previous post. We'll start with the good.


1) I went to my first Padres game in like 10 years tonight!!! It was SO fun! I went Melissa and her sisters and their significant others, and babycakes:) Can I just say that baseball games are THE BEST! I want to go to more and more please!!! I still really want to go to a throwback game where they wear vintage jerseys and beer is half priced. What is there NOT to like about vintage and cheap beer? exactly. we're going.

2) I finally talked to my agency. the fancy family called. the job went to someone else who somehow had more nanny experience AND teaching experience (I have 4 years nanny with one family plus more with other short term families...this person must not have had a life). But she also said that they really liked me and that I would have been great, it is still just a trial so if it doesnt work out they'll bring me back for a 3rd interview. Plus, my agency lady said I am "fantastic" and "top notch" so she'll have no problem finding me another job for another family. So that's that. I still have a sliver of hope...but not really. I applied for about 8 other jobs Sunday and Monday. Havent heard a thing. This is my life people. Everyday.


3) Number 2 did something earth shattering this evening. He knew I was at the baseball game. And he texted me and invited me to MEET HIS FRIENDS and HANG OUT at the sky bar with them which is super close to the stadium. It took me a good 20 minutes to figure out what to text back. I was not only in SHOCK but I had carpooled with the family and kids and would have to reallllly finagle a way to get there and be home in the morning by 9a to tutor. Now I considered a lot of things...I could have just walked there and stayed at his house and he could have dropped me off in the morning, or I could have called in sick to tutoring in the morning and driven home late, or when I got my car which was about 20min closer downtown then home I could have just driven back downtown. All options. BUT I decided to do none of those things. I knew he wouldn't want me to sleepover and drive me home in the morning. I also knew I couldn't call in sick to the ONE job I actually do have, the last day nonetheless. And that it was just TOO desperate to drive all the way from almost home back downtown and I was too tired and when I looked in the mirror...too haggard. I sat in my car negotiating all of this for quite awhile. Finally, I just drove the rest of the way home. Now hes been texting me again and feels proud of himself for inviting me to hang out with his friends...10 months too late bud. I even told him outright, "I would have come but I know you wouldn't want me to sleepover or drive me home in the morning." He says "you dont know that". UH...YES I DO. I've never been to your house or met your friends or family in 10 MONTHS even though I've made it clear that its important to me and you've had ample opportunities to invite me but dont.
Plus, lets be honost, everyone knows we would have had sex and then all of this would be a mess all over again.

Am I proud of myself? YES.
Do I wonder what would have happened in a good way? YES.
Do I regret not going? KINDA...But Im trying to remember it was the right thing to do.
And that I dont always need to jump when he happens to invite me to something...I am free pretty much every night of the week and NOTHING.

Did I mention how its been 10 months and I've never met his friends or family or been to his house? THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING.

4) Speaking of Number 2. I noticed something weird this evening...so I was hanging out with the babycakes and seeing lots of families and then I started picturing my baby and my family someday...lala so nice...then BAM! I realize the babies and husband and family I am always picturing...is always with my Number 2. My babies are all beautiful and half Filipino from his side. When I picture us driving somewhere I always picture him driving...when I imagine my family doing ANYTHING its with him and our little brown babies. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I kind of creeped myself out. I mean...we did talk about marriage. And our future babies. And I'm a girl and this is what we do. But to still be doing that unknowingly after all the crap I'm going through with this guy? Ridiculous. So now the next project, trying to turn those thoughts off. At least I got the thinking about him all the time off now. I know by the looks of the blog it may not seem true...but I promise it is.

Nada

No word from the damn fancy family yesterday OR today. I'm SO frustrated. I called my agency and left ANOTHER message asking if they called her maybe. Haven't heard anything. I haven't lost hope, I'm just annoyed more than anything else. Either my agency or the family is SUCKING and not letting me know so I can move on with my life. And furthermore, I turned down another perfectly good job because I was waiting for these jerkfaces. I may have another interview tomorrow, but she has 3 kids and doesn't want to pay more than $15/hour so I think I might just cancel the interview. This is what Im dealing with people.

Number 2 finally brought up the text message thing yesterday. He said he was so drunk he didn't even remember texting me until the morning when he saw the long "conversation" we had. Obviously I knew he was drunk and it didn't mean anything to him, but I cant help but analyze and wonder why he always texts ME. No time to dwell, the conversation ended with him saying,
"anyway, you know Im crazy about you."
"uh, no your not"
"yes I am, just not the way you want me to be."

just when you think that stabbed in the heart-I feel like Im going to throw up-crying my eyes out- phase has gone away.
It rears its ugly head once again.

But in all honesty, I AM getting over him. I really am. I dont think about him all day anymore. I've only cried twice in the last few weeks since I ended it officially. When I talk to him I get irritated and change the subject when he tries to talk about sex with me whereas before I took it as a sign that he looooved me and was attracted to me...blah blah blah. bullshit. I ignore his calls. When I do talk to him I am getting really good at keeping my mind in the friend zone and not constantly analyzing what he says, looking for a sign that he loves me and wants me. I have already been flirting and putting myself out there with other guys. I know I probably need another few weeks until I'm ready to seriously date someone, but Im working really hard at getting there. I know I deserve someone awesome who values me and wants me to be a part of their life. And I genuinely do know it will happen someday. I just forget sometimes...annnnd cry myself to sleep.

Besides, Im really busy watching Wife Swap and Style By Jury.

Exciting News!

I have FANTASTIC news! I found my dream engagement ring!
Its on Etsy HERE

Not only is is classic and beautiful but its vintage and art deco too! My favorite! Ideally I would like a hand me down from his side of the family, but this will do too.

Also note: Not only am I not getting married, but I dont even have a boyfriend. Just a douche who drives me crazy and has no intention of marrying me. Crazy? I would say YES.

This is how I am spending my day while I WAIT and WAIT for the fancy family to call me to see if I made it to a trial day.
Im so anxious.

lovelove.

The Saga Continues

We talked yesterday for an hour while he drove up to his friends going away party...all his friends are going to grad school while he got rejected from all his schools:( his two besties are going to be in the Chicago area where he would have been too. Its been a rough year for the both of us. anyway. It was a formal $100/person party at some Russian restaurant..he "thought about inviting me but knew I didnt have $100" (great guy huh), he said he wasnt going to drink so he could drive home that night and study the next day and not be hungover. Sure enough around 11p I start getting the drunk texts. Pretty much every time he goes out I get a slew of texts. I used to take this as something sweet because it meant he was thinking of me and missing me while he was out...but then I realized, wait a minute? Why is he out without me? I should be there dancing and drinking and meeting his friends WITH him. Maybe not all the time, but SOMETIME. Seriously, once would be nice. Arg.

so he was texting me funny things...I was texting back quick funny answers. He texted something sexual and I responded
"yeah, but then you broke my heart so no more of that for you"

Then he writes back:

"love you"

UM. what am I supposed to do with that? WHY WHY WHY????!!!!
I wrote back "liar liar pants on fire drunky" because I reallllly didn't want to take it to heart. Im trying really hard to forget about it and remember that I should have been there with him. That he didn't mean it. That hes just a flirt. That hes a DOUCHE. but seriously? Love you? HES THE WORST. It's like he gets pleasure confusing and hurting me.

Then in the morning he texts me "dont worry about the Facebook post, it was just dancing".
So I check the Facebook post,
"wow i love Russian girls".

so now I dont know how to feel about him texting me that either?! He clearly feels the need to make sure I'm not upset. But does he just not want to hurt me because he knows how I feel about him? That has to be it. I'm so frustrated.

Seriously friends, I am an awesome girl. I am pretty (some say beautiful) and super fun and outgoing, I don't flirt with boys who aren't mine, I don't drink too much, I am an excellent dresser, I am well traveled and cultured, I have lots of different interests, I have a post baccalaureate teaching credential, I got great grades in college because I'm really smart...I mean the list goes on. So WHY am I getting treated like some second rate girl he found at the bar one night and doesn't know what to do with? Why WOULDN'T he want to bring me to his friends party? Have we been over how I'm pretty and super fun?

We haven't talked since then. He called me but I was busy. arg.

Anyway. Enough of douche number 2.

Last night I had THE BEST NIGHT! Annie and I bar tended a party at my old work where Annie still works. It was so much fun! We are awesome bartenders! We just flirted and danced with each other behind the bar and made awesome tips and would take breaks to dance on the dance floor...and drink free drinks and eat free food. Everyone loved us! Especially 3 men who just adored me...such a good night to boost my self confidence when douche has been shredding it. One poor bloke arrived and I immediately noticed him, he was really cute. He asked me to dance and I made him drinks and he tried to kiss me a few times...hehe. Then at the end of the night I find out he used to be a professional rugby player in New Zealand and is now a firefighter. I KNOW RIGHT. However, at the beginning of the night he was sober and fun but by the end he was super drunk, flirting with everyone, and expressed how his 5 year girl friend just broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

I gave him my number anyway of course.

Gosh, I hope tomorrow I hear from the fancy job. At this point I am going to be so disappointed if I dont get a trial day. So much anticipation. They said Monday or Tuesday so I still might not hear tomorrow...arg. I thought they needed someone asap! jeez! I lost the other family that wanted me to start asap. They said they had to try and find someone else since I wouldn't know until mid week and they needed someone to start tomorrow. but the more I think about it the more Im not sure it was the job for me. I want to do things with my kids...not just hang around the house.

anyway. we'll see.

lovelove.

Anonymity

I am all about honesty. I tend to tell people exactly how I'm feeling and have a very small filter. It's a good quality I guess. I've had a public blog connected to my name for a few years now...but then my love life started to pick up and I wanted to write about it. Then my family decided to follow my blog. Then the guy I was writing about found my blog. So...that's enough of that. Instead of filtering my writing, we're off to a new fresh start. A new name. A new anonymity.

Things with the boy are still ridiculous. I've been really good about not calling him or texting him, he...not so much. He keeps calling and texting me and it totally lures me back in. I try not to pick up all the time...and I dont have my phone with me all the time "waiting" like the old days so I miss his calls a lot which is good too (I'm not good with phones). Last week we got into a huge fight (or intense discussion as I like to say) when we tried to just talk...I don't think he understands that I need time away from him so I can be his friend. I can't just switch everything off like that. All this time I've been hearing "I think you're awesome (insert a lot of nice things he loves about me here), I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not saying never, just not right now while I figure all of this out". So to me, that meant give me a few weeks and then I'll get it together. right? And he still seemed into me calling me all the time...flirting...all up in my grill when we would hang out. I'm not crazy here. Finally it came out thats not what he meant...he meant not now...not in the near future...just maybe someday. He then listed all of his previous relationships and how they were friends and/or hook up buddies for a long time before they were something official...I used to think that was good thing, like there was hope for us and that we were building a relationship, now it sounds so immature and weird to me. HELLO your 27 years old and you have never just dated someone and then had her be your girlfriend...I know I dont have a ton of experience in this department, but I do know this isn't college anymore Bud. In real adult world we date other adults. Arg. We were spinning around talking and talking when "hey, can I call u right back...Arthur is calling" UH NO. But I said fine because I was hoping it would clear my head a little. Not only does he not call back and finish the discussion, but he doesn't call me the next day either. DOUCHE. So this is what I emailed him: (sometimes I email him instead of talking because I can think clearer).

Im glad you didn't call me back last night, I was exhausted and
although valid, it heightened my emotions. I just cried and went to
sleep, woke up feeling clearer in the head. (even though it was rude
of you to end our serious conversation to talk to Arthur and then not
call me back, jerkface) Ok, Im emailing you so I dont get all crazy.
First of all, you know how I feel about you, you have to understand
how hard this all is for me. You were the first boy I've loved as an
adult, the first boy I've been this intimate with, my best friend when
I've been going through so much, the first person I could see myself
marrying, you have been my rock. So just going from feeling all of
that and now trying to not feel that way about you is really difficult
and exhausting. Why do you think I've been so busy? To keep my mind
off of you. Why do you think I kissed another boy? To keep my mind off
of you. To feel pretty and desired and loved even if it was only for a
little while, because the boy I really wanted to be kissing doesn't
want to kiss me back. I'm dealing with being rejected Bud, with not
feeling good enough, along with everything else going on in my life
now I have to let this go too, it sucks and it hurts and I hate it but
Im dealing with it.

But more than anything, I do want to be in your life and I do want to
be your friend. We just need to go slow and you need to be patient
with me. I had zero intention of talking about any of that last night,
I was actually really excited to talk to you about our lives and
trying this friend thing.

Ok, I think thats all.

Except...I love you. And thats the last time Im going to say it.

-me

----
Note, the boy I kissed was a pretty Brazilian at the bachelorette party. Number 2 managed to get it out of me and wasn't very happy about it...even though he's been clear he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to date other people...so that was awesome.

ANYWAY. He never responded. Never mentioned it. Just texted me a little each day about random things since then.

To be continued...

Bachlorette.

I forgot to post these favorite pictures from Melissas bachelorette party. I just LOVE these girls. and love that they included me in the festivities. That night ended with me and a beautiful Brazilian named Julio dancing the night away. Me with a cosmo in hand. Happy as a clam trying to forget my troubles.
hearts!

Exposure

Some of you are aware of my LOVE for So You Think You Can Dance. Obviously. When this dance came on it felt like someone had read my heart and mind and decided to make a dance out of it and broadcast it onto national television. I know Im not the only one who can relate to it, so many of us have gone through something like this. So watch and feel your heart become exposed as much as mine did.

In other news...Ive been keeping busy with friends trying to do lots of fun things! Micah's birthday! saw Inception! beer tour and a movie at Stone! But now I'm pooped and my tummy and head are bothering me. I feel weird. Maybe its all the leftovers I've been eating...perhaps I should be more picky. or maybe it's from when I went to the dentist and they poked and prodded my poor gums until I could taste the blood I was swallowing (sorry Kelsey). The dentist said, and I quote, "so two things are happening, one: you haven't been flossing, and two: I can tell your under stress." preach it dental hygienist. Stress is my middle name. soon to be upgraded to first.

Still haven't heard from the fancy family. They are supposed to let me know Monday or Tuesday if I made it to the trial day (still would be competing against other nannies, just fewer), but now this other super cute job has come up. They want me to start Monday! Two families with a baby each, using me for a nanny share. Super nice moms and really sweet babycakes. Obviously its not as sweet as a job as the fancy job...and it pays A LOT less, and no benefits. I dont really need the benefits...but still. But the fancy job will prob be taxed and the other fam wont...arg. The new family just emailed me telling me they are going to have to try and find someone else because they need someone to start asap and I need another week before Ill hear from the fancy job. The new family totally understands and understands what I need to do, they just need someone now. So I dont know what to do. Some people are saying to just take the job I was offered and others are saying to hold out and see what happens with the fancy family. I guess if the new fam doesn't work out and the fancy fam doesn't work out...something else will come along:/ I really need a job so I can start planning my trips to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia! arg! Also:

Things Im buying When I Have Money:
-new bathing suit
-laser hair removal
-kindle
-treadmill
-haircut
-tickets to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia

Running list occurs in my brain at all times.

Now That Im Famous

I have my second interview with the fancy family on Monday at 2:20 (am I the only one who thinks thats a weird time?). But YAYYYY!!! I really want this job! Not just because they are fancy, but because I really do feel like I am a good fit for them. Its really the job I was made for and have been looking for this entire time. Im kind of overqualified for the typical nanny jobs as a credentialed teacher and all my childcare experience...but the higher end nanny jobs are perfect for me!

We've been speculating about who the family is and lets just say...I could potentially be working for a very legit famous sports industry person...I probably wont ever reveal who it is on here since that would be breaking their confidentiality, BUT Ill probably be rubbing elbows with the fancies, and maybe you'll get to hear some stories.

I've been praying like crazy to get this job, or if its not the right job to get another awesome one asap. Please pray for me too! I dont want to just take anything...I worked SO hard in school and built up my work experience so my resume would be awesome, I need it to pay off so I can move out. go to Buenos Aires and Machu Pichu. Go visit Cassie. enjoy my life.

Know what else I've been praying about? that I would get over that darn boy. I just want to stop loving him so I can be his friend. Its really hard. Especially when he calls because "he just wanted to hear my voice" and see how Im doing. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?! I get really anxious when I dont talk to him or when he calls and I dont answer. Like...REALLY anxious. Skin crawling-stomach bunching-head spinningly anxious. BUT I've been doing a healthy mix of staying super busy having fun with my friends and family, drinking, and praying every night. A lot. I have plans the next 3 days and just keep on trying to make plans every day/night.

I just keep trying to remember how unhappy I was.
you were unhappy lady. he never spent time with you. he never made time for you. he never introduced you to his friends and family. he never called you his girl friend. etc.

and yet I still love him and wish things were different. and I still secretly hope someday things WILL be different and we can be together.

until then, tonight its Melissas bachelorette party and I am going OUT with my girls!!!! Boys, you can suck it! (Until I need you as a dance partner)

lovelove.

Balance

So of course life is still an appropriate mix of suck and awesomeness. I try and ride more on the awesomeness state of mind...but somedays its hard. All of my job prospects didn't work out for one reason or another...and one of my tutoring kids peaced out for the rest of the summer so I only have one student now. I interviewed yesterday with a DREAM position, it went great, but I've gotten so discouraged from being hit over the head with attempting to job search this last MONTH that Im sure it wont work out like everything else. But Im still hoping and putting all my heart into the interviews and the entire process. When I look at the future and see myself with the job, I am SO SO SO happy! I really need to trust that God has something for me, and actually pray and ask for it.

Things with the boy are rough. Its really hard to try and be friends with someone your in love with. So I'm taking some space. Oh, and he didn't get into Notre Dame. As if it even matters anymore.

In good news! (probably should have started with that) Ive been having fun with my friends and family:) birthday parties, family PJ snuggle days, friends back in town, lalala so fun! THEN last night some of my girls and I all went up to se Kat in LA because she hooked us up with being on the series finale of The Hills MTV event! It was a ridiculous event, but we had so much fun! I dont watch the Hills and had no idea who people were, but I loved getting dressed up and hanging out with mi amigas. Plus seeing Kat was super nice because she is always so far away in LA LA Land. OH, and also...I was on TV. Yeah...thats me in the green behind Audrina...and whats her face Montag...and the rest of the show:)
The Hills: Live After Show (Season 6) | Ep. 12: "Lauren, Kristin, Audrina and the cast relive their past 'Hills' moments."
How COOL am I? Also, how God awful is that show? Jeez.

But THIS is the real reason I went:

Loves.

So the job search continues. The desire to move out or go somewhere or do SOMETHING continues to grow...life escapes me.

Things are Looking UP!

WELL I have three interviews this week! THREE! All for the pay that I want and with families that seem really great! Woohoo! One was today and its for a job in Dana Point I would have to move for...another is in RSF just M-F 2-8p...and the last one is locally and is just W-TH-F (every other Wednesday actually) with 11 hour days. I don't think I want the Dana Point job for a variety of reasons...including having to move to the OC (disgusting) and spend all the extra money Im making on rent. But I think Im going to have a hard time choosing between the RSF and the 3 day a week job. I also found another job working just one 12hr day a week which I could do along with the 3 day a week job and would make really good money each week actually...but it would be a long week. So we will see how things go. RSF sounds great because its two girls ages 3 and 5 (so fun!) and if I needed vacation time or something, I could just let the mom know ahead of time and it would work out. We'll see how everything goes!

Meanwhile, I had the best weekend EVER!
jazz in the park...world cup at D street with friends...beer festival...Grease sing-a-long...more world cup with friends...AWESOME!

Heres the best picture ever of me and Melissa at the festival...BEER FESTIVAL IS AMAZING!!!


annnnd I ate my yearly turkey leg...sorry Vegans...sorry turkey...sorry tummy. but it was worth it.

Also, I made a life plan for the next year. I will let you know in the next post.

lovelove.