FML

Reading old blog posts and being home makes me think of Number 2.

I wanted to check his Facebook and see how he's doing even though its SUPER private.

And what do I see?

Default picture.

An ugly blonde girls face, with him kissing her from the side.

For some reason my stomach did a somersault and I was left breathless.

REALLY? After everything with me? After all of the "I love you, but I don't want to be anything serious with you because I am leaving" discussions? HER? Besides, aren't you on your way or already in South Bend for your precious graduate school? Were you able to suddenly make an exception for this ugly girl? REALLY?

OMG I am so pissed.

Deep breathes...
Remember the hoards of men literally head over heels for you right now. In multiple countries.

Remember the beautiful and sweet PAG who you get to spend another precious night with tomorrow. Despite all the drama, I love him and am pretty sure he loves me too. And he is still 10x better then Number 2.

Remember how getting over Number 2 was one of my reasons for moving abroad and how it was the best decision I ever made because I am SO happy there and found so much of myself in the experience.

It was just such a shock!

I need to get out of here. Back to BA where the single men flock to me like the salmon of capistrano.

The Ex Factor

It's no surprise for some of you that I have seriously been thinking about my two ex loves lately. Not so much the randoms I've dated, just Number 2 and PAG. I think I am missing the closeness, friendship, and love we had between us. How easy it was to talk about anything or nothing. How comfortable I felt around them and in myself. How I felt like they were a part of me and how strange it is to be without them now. I think I miss them. And I don't know why all of a sudden, I have been FINE and then just these last 2 weeks I'm nostalgic.

And secretly scared I'm never going to find it again. I mean...its so special. How often is that kind of attraction and deep connection going to come around? Charlotte says you only get 2 great loves in your life, have I already experienced mine? Well, I guess we could say I've had 3 since I had a high school sweet heart too. So SERIOUSLY, three is A LOT. I feel so lucky. How could I be so lucky to have it again?

Cue the "your going to die alone" speech that rolls around in my head from time to time...ugh.

All Over Again.

This familiar feeling of rejection...frustration...one week up and one week down...and hurt with PAG is reminding me...

Haven't we done this all before? 

Didn't I do this with Number 2 last year? One week he wanted me and I was on top of the world, and the next week he wouldn't call or wouldn't care about seeing me and I'd feel like shit all over again. Constantly blaming myself for WHY he didn't want me, when really he was the one being an asshole. Things with PAG are quite a bit different in some regards...we are on the other side of the world from each other with a 9hr time change to boot, both extremely busy, he has never been outright mean or dismissive of me unless it was noted because he was busy beforehand (until now?), and typically he makes time for us to talk--he will take long 2 hour lunches just so we can catch up. And I know he doesn't even really go out or anything either so I don't even have to worry about that.

But still, the feelings are the same. My emotions are dictated by whether or not he is wanting me. Whether or not he is making time for me. Unreturned phone calls, emails, and texts (when I know he has a blackberry he is addicted too) are just unacceptable at this point. I know because I have done this all before. And who ended up hurt in the end?

Alas, I still have this overwhelming sense of waiting. Waiting for him to call and explain, Ill forgive him and everything will be ok again...just like it was with Number 2 last year.

Is it me that needs to change or him? Should I expect some distance because of the long distance nature of our relationship or hold him accountable?

I feel like I have been doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to. I email or call him a few times a week, even if he doesn't respond. I send him post cards. I miss him. I get hit on every weekend but always come home alone and call him instead. I only really dance with my friends or girls when we go out. I mean, come on. I am trying everything here. And honestly, even though sometimes I am horny and its tough going home alone- I LOVE having a boyfriend way more then trying to find some hooligan out there to love me. I am so much happier with how things are than if I had to try and navigate the dating world again. I really can't imagine anyone else being as wonderful as PAG is anyway.

And I do cut him a lot of slack. If we don't talk everyday, or even for a few days I don't freak out or anything. I just live my life and miss him secretly and its ok. It's when we go for days and days without ANY response that I start to freak out a bit and think...wait a minute, your not crazy lady, HE'S being a jerk face!

I've already emailed him the WTF email. And have called several times. So I guess now we just play the waiting game.

Plus, it doesn't help that I am home deathly ill and can barely force my brain to do anything besides think.

You've Got Mail.

Just checking my email like normal...

When something from NUMBER 2 comes up with "From the Bottom of My Heart" as the subject.

Yeah, I kind of freaked out. Not like crying or really any feeling besides "well, FINALLY, he's probably apologizing or something"

But I definitely didn't breath for the entire minute I looked at it sitting in my inbox waiting to be read.

However, it ended up just being spam.

Looks like his email was hacked.

So, still back to not hearing from the man who "loved" me for almost 6 months now.

And thank God too, I think we've managed to find a winner with PAG and this awesome working and living it up in Slovakia business.

In other news, I think my mother is counting on me marrying this one. She's brought it up more than once to the point that its kind of weirding me out.

xoxo

HL

And Also This:

One of these was sent to my lover PAG. 

One of these is how I will really be spending Valentines Day.

And one of these was VERY true about Number 2. 

Let the giggling ensue.

xoxo

HL

For The Record.

Sooooo a few of my lovely readers have mentioned they are super confused and behind on all of the relationship drama. So here is our catch up.

OK SO.

Most recently Postal Annex Guy (PAG) and I had an AMAZING winter fling weeks before I was set to move to Slovakia to teach. He was perfect. We had some bumps in the road, but really tried to make the long distance thing work. 3.5 months into it he couldn't handle me going out all the time and not knowing if I was ok or not...seriously, long distance sucks guys. So we are having what I like to call a "pause" button until summer when I am home. He initiated the break up, but I think it might be for the best...for now. Now I can focus all my energy on putting the BRAT back in Bratislava.

Number 2 We started dating October 2009. We fell HARD for each other and were totally in love within a month or so. I lovingly gave him my virginity, and at 24 years old, it felt like a big deal. We were best friends. He would call me multiple times a day just to talk about our day...I had serious trauma going on in my life and he was my "person" I would call and I was his "person". However, he was applying to go to grad school at Notre Dame. So he never wanted us to be "serious" even though we clearly were. He always said things like...It's just not a good time for either of us, maybe someday we will meet in New York (both where we want to end up) and live happily ever after. So I spent a lot of time crying and frustrated because we would fight about him not calling me his girl friend....I never met his family or friends...I never even went to his house. As wonderful as parts of it were, parts of it were ridiculous and I have no idea why I let myself put up with it for so long...oh yeah, because I was in love. Anyway...we were kind of breaking up on and off over the summer...I was trying to date other people...he was totally coming around more so I thought we were going to get back together officially and then October 1st. A few days before my birthday -which we had plans to do something together on- he just stopped calling me. Just like that. Stopped responding to the few calls and texts I sent making sure he wasn't dead since we talked like 3x a day.
And I never heard from him again.

After a fucking YEAR.

Then there was SS. I only dated SS for like 6 weeks. End of August until ironically right around October 1st too. I was trying to date him, and either end things with Number 2 officially or have Number 2 come chase me because either way I wasn't happy with how things were. SS and I had a lot of fun together, he made me laugh and was VERY sweet and considerate. But apparently he was pretty much high all the time and was REALLY into smoking weed. Plus, I wasn't super attracted to him. The same day Number 2 and I last talked was the same day I called SS to end things because I thought Number 2 and I were going to get back together.

I never heard from either of them again.

It was a sad 25th birthday.

So now we are in Bratislava, Slovakia. Suddenly finding ourselves making friends, going out, dancing, and getting hit on...but now, doing all of this single. 

AND obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park you can always email me blackandlashes@gmail.com with any questions! I would love it.

lovelove.

Another Letter That Won't Get Replied To.

I wrote another letter to Number 2 I know won't get answered.
It just felt weird deciding and moving to Slovakia without telling him. Even though he didn't tell me he was going to Notre Dame...and never wrote me back when I congratulated him...and um, I just realized today: What kind of a DOUCHE a) Just stops calling you after a YEAR and then b) Doesn't respond to your pretty important life moment emails. (There have only been two) But what WORD rings true when you think about this?


IMMATURE.

Someone who can't handle their emotions and doesn't care enough to even try at the benefit for someone else's well being either.

Here I am, trying to be nice and am just constantly reminded, that oh yeah...you suck Number 2. You suck.

I am moving to Slovakia to meet someone with a hot accent who will fuck my brains out and your not invited, asshole. Your not invited physically and your not invited to invade my heart all the time whenever I hear those sad songs...or am alone in a museum I know we would have had fun together in...or am wearing that dress you loved.

Anyway...heres the letter...

Hey.

So I'm moving to Bratislava, Slovakia January 6th. I've decided to put grad school on hold and have been offered a kindergarten teaching job at a fancy English speaking private school. A friend from school is already there, her aunt is the director. It just felt weird to go and not tell you. Actually, it felt weird even making the decision and not talking about it with you. And its weird to miss someone so much but to be ao angry and hurt by them at the same time. 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. I have a lot of vacations so I am going to try to see the places in Europe I missed, visit friends living around there already, and maybe spend a few weeks in Croatia and Greece before coming home for the last part of the summer break. You know me the blogger, somewherefarandaway.blogspot.com. In case you ever care.

Hope your doing well.

So that was that. And thats my travel blog link. Which isn't really worth your time, since this will be where the real things are. 

I even just talked with Annie the other night about self sabotaging ourselves. Such as...sending texts and emails you know you wont get a response to and then hurting about it. Um, you did it to yourself sucka. 

Listen: Adele

Some lovely listening from Adeles forthcoming album. I was just thinking to myself..."I need more motown inspired music in my collection because I just love it so". Not only is the video and song beautiful, but some of the lyrics rang in my ears...

The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul
And you played it
To the beat


Enjoy.



We Could Have Had It All.

I Was Loved.

My favorite photographer of all time: Robert Doisneau 

I know I haven't been writing about the relationship drama lately, thank goodness there hasn't been anything to write. My "break from dating and men in general" has been going well...I dont think I am even TRYING to stay away from them but my employment involving children, the fact that I NEVER meet single men despite my social schedule, and my recent bout of sickness and job transition stress have even further widened the scale between me and the single men I am sure are out there...somewhere.

It has been good to be so busy to keep my mind off of him, but for some reason as soon as I get in the car for my 20+min drive to my tutoring clients I get all cry facey. So we have had teeny tiny little bouts of cries. But they are so slight. Just that familiar heart stabbing and eye welling we all know too well.

I think the possibility of me moving so far away for so long has been affecting me, in regards to him. Do I tell him I am moving? I don't think I can handle writing him again just to get no response. And either way I will end up hurt...either he won't respond...or he will and he'll want to see me and Ill be hurt again...or it just might not be a "nice" response. Either way= Cry face.

I remember all of the shitty stuff and I know I deserve SO MUCH better...but I miss all the good stuff too. So many good things. So much love. And passion. laughter. Sweetness. Joy. He was kind of emotionally like my husband...we talked about EVERYTHING. We were literally each others best friends. Micah and I were talking about how since we don't have husbands or boyfriends we process major life decisions with our parents. It was a very nonchalant conversation, but today I was thinking about it and it made me really sad. Number 2 was the one I would process things with. I would ask him finance questions because he was really good at that kind of thing...and future planning...all of my family drama...we just shared everything. And he was even more so like that with me. It actually took me awhile to get used to sharing so much and being best friends with a man. Having someone call me all the time and actually having things to talk about...because he CARED about every aspect of my day. And now I am discussing moving half way across the world with my parents. 

And I just dont understand how someone can be SO a part of every aspect of your life and then poof. Just be gone like that. Just gone. Sometimes I forget that it was even a part of my life. That the last year of love even happened. That I haven't always been this sad girl who cries in the car to Maria Taylor songs.

At one time...not so long ago...

I was loved. 

Dear Number 2

Dear Number 2,

Am I thinking of moving away because I want to teach?

Or because all I see in this city is you.

I think its ok if its both.

I wish I could talk to you about my idea for this adventure.

I've somehow convinced myself that you would care.

And I am realizing that I am scared if I leave then you won't ever be able to find me.

Even though its been 55 days of nothing.

And if you wanted to find me, you would have.

Love,
The One who got you pushed away

Now, I'm Just Tired

"Now could you be inspired? Now, I'm just tired"- Lyrics from a lovely Azure Ray song, "Drinks We Drank Last Night". Pretty much feels like my life right now. I try and go to sleep early but it's never enough. I wake up exhausted. Am tired all day. I have even been taking my vitamins and walking everyday! I dont know whats going on. Maybe its just the transition of everything...and because I am almost done with my pill pack so I might be a little weird. hmm.

For some reason along with my tiredness comes me missing Number 2. A lot. Now I am at the point where I can't remember all the shit. All I remember is the sweet things he would say to me. All my missed calls. The "I just wanted to hear your voice". When he would tell me he loved me. How intimate and precious we were together. Those moments when you are totally naked and vulnerable with a person and so happy and content and perfect, but terrified at the same time because you don't want it to ever go away. And then it does go away. And then your right here. Exactly where you were deathly afraid of ever being.

I mean, theres nothing you can really do about it. Just carry on. Enroll yourself in yoga and art classes. Join a bunch of random meet up groups online and try to meet fun new people. Go out with your friends and hear them tell you about their dates and make outs and boyfriends and husbands and be genuinely interested and happy for them, but a little sad and jealous too...even though you know you aren't really even ready for that yet anyway. So instead you go to bed early. Spend $100 on vibrators. Bake for yourself. Cuddle with your dog. Clean your room and apartment.

And let your heart remember all the lovely things that once were.

And endure the hurt that shakes your very being.

Because now it's as if he never existed.

Congratulations?

Ok so I did something ridiculous and checked Number 2's FB even though I know he has it SUPER private. I knew he would have changed SOMETHING to say if he had gotten into Notre Dame and I wanted to see if he'd gotten in and didn't tell me or if he didn't get in and obviously never told me.

Well, sure enough his "grad school" has Notre Dame class of 2013 added to it.

Initially I had a huge smile and was so happy for him.

Then REALLY sad because I always made him promise that whatever happened between us, I wanted to know if he got in or not. Literally, Notre Dame took over my life for A YEAR. I know EVERYTHING there is to know about the MBA application process, GRE, coursework, essays, EVERYTHING. To the point that as I am researching schools now for my MA I am a little edgy about it.

It just reminds me of him. And of us. We were a team. I read his essays. Helped him study. Made him go out and take breaks. It became a part of me too.

Annnnnnd then I messaged him.

Sorry. But it happened. And I cant take it back. And I analyzed it for a long time before doing it and just wanted to do it.
It was super simple...

"I just wanted to check and see if you got in...

and sure enough...

congratulations love.

now i am applying for grad school...wish you were around.

hope your doing well."

see? harmless.

Although I don't really know what I want to happen from that.

I mean...I dont want him to feel bad and call me and start all of this crap over again.

I think maybe I want him to feel shitty about himself when he reads it?

"Like, hey douche bag! remember me? the girl who got you through all of that? Who you treated like shit? Well now you should feel even worse because now she needs you even more and your not around. Dick."

I still have a hard time even saying his real name. I just call him dickhead or asshole when referring to him most of the time. When I say his real name I can feel the screw twisting in my heart. Its less and less everyday. But its still there.

I know he won't message me back. Which is another reason why I dont know why I even bothered. Now its going to drive me crazy for days. But its just hard not to care about him, ya know? And hard not to want him to feel like shit at the same time.

PS: Next week is the last week of the "6 week rule". True, I dont think about him 24/7 anymore and dont cry all the time. And yes, I see everything that was wrong while I was ignoring it before. But I am still sad. I miss kissing him (best kisser EVER), and I miss our hot passion and chemistry that was always ridiculous, and I miss talking late on the phone, and I miss checking my phone and seeing his missed calls all the time. I miss how he would always compliment me and make me laugh. He would even sing to me, it was hilarious.

BUT I am NOT crying as I reminisce right now. So theres that. At least we have that.

Some Important Decisions.

Made some important decisions today.

Interview with the school to substitute at went AMAZING and I am going to be on their list as soon as I get the giant mound of paperwork done for it and get another TB test done. woot!

So I decided NOT to take the T/TH nanny job and just get by with the 20hrs a week job and try to supplement with other little jobs here and there. Maybe more nannying in the evenings and weekends or tutoring. I am going to keep my T/TH days open and keep applying to private schools in the area for substitute work. I think I might even volunteer at the new school to try and get "in" there a little too.

Also.
Drumroll.

I am applying to go to grad school in NYC.

Summer 2011 the Art Education MA program starts.

I know.

Big deal.

I am fully qualified with more then the minimum requirements and can just go.
MORE paperwork.
bleh.

But its not due until February, so I am just going to work on it little by little.

Of course I am SURE I will get rejected or the money won't come through or an array of other horrible things...but I do see a sliver of hope there. Especially since I just happened to enroll in a drawing class and can update my portfolio now.

Um. Did I mention there is an option to study for a semester in Venice, Italy? Uh YEAH. This is what I am saying.

So I have a lot of work ahead of me.
All of this job stuff, art portfolio development, and the actual graduate application (its a DOOZY) will require meetings with counselors, essay writing, etc.

And all of it makes me angry at Number 2 for not being here when I helped him all of last year with his MBA bullshit.
It's my turn.
And he would totally know how to help me.
And, of course, he's not around.

So now even if I had someone to date I wouldn't have the time. Between my new yoga and drawing class, the hours I AM working, all of this job applying, the grad application, my volunteering, I am SO busy all of a sudden. And spring semester I want to take 2 more art classes so I dont have to take them in NYC. (I am short an art history class and 2 studio art classes).

Busy busy beeeeee.

The Hickey(s).

Ridiculous. Vampire?




The attempts at a coverup. Thank God the weird Mid October heat wave ended today.




And there it is.
In all its glory.
My first and only array of hickeys.
I feel like Im either 17 or a REALLY skanky version of myself.

So the evening went like this...
Met at a bar...got a drink...went for sushi and sake...went back to his place to watch a movie and drink wine. It was actually probably the best "date" I've ever been on because I was so relaxed and we get along really well. Good conversation, lots of laughing, just nice and chill. He even asked me about Halloween and invited me to go with him to his friends party on Saturday. So I was pretty stoked.

Then I made the mistake of going to his house to "watch a movie". I guess I just figured we'd snuggle and make out and it wouldn't be a big deal. But of course after he kissed me he took me back into his room and I was too sleepy mixed with the drinks to say no and think through what was happening. So we were just making out, both declared we DID NOT want to have sex, and then he started trying stuff...you know...hands down the pants, up the dress...all up in my grill. And then when I kept stopping him he would get all weird about it and kind of laughed at me. In fact, he did laugh at me and said I was kind of "geeky". That's when I started to get angry. Now, I like to have fun just as much as the next girl but I am also one of those girls who doesn't like to go too far without a few dates under our belt. It doesn't have to mean we're on our way to a fancy relationship, (even though that is what I want), but it does mean I'd like to get to know you a little more before I get all naked and intimate with you even if we don't have sex. Call me crazy, but I like being comfortable.

When he was being weird, I even said, "your just not used to nice girls are you. You've been bringing home the skanky ones"...and I kept trying to tell him "just not on the first date" and then he gave me the weird speech...
"I didnt give you the wrong impression about us hanging out tonight, right? I mean, I just want to have fun. Im really not looking for anything serious. Sorry if that hurts your feelings"

By then I was already angry for being made to feel embarrassed about not wanting to get all crazy on the first date and then I get the "I just want to fool around and not actually date you-your cool with that right?" speech which I am SO OVER after a year of Number 2 bullshit. He kind of picked the worst girl ever to give that speech to. Which I even told him.

So then I just decided, fuck it, and to have fun and relax because someone hasn't had more then just a little make out in MONTHS and so YES we did fool around but NO we did not have sex of any kind. He was really snuggly too which was nice and we did have a good time.

Until I woke up looking like a choke victim with cum on my face.
(again, no sex of any kind...but sometimes things go flying ya know?)

So today I have mixed emotions...pissed about my hickeys and for being made to feel weird about not being a whore on the first date (SO over boys pulling that shit) and getting the "I dont want anything serious" talk. But also stoked that I had a nice time with someone and got a little action. But then sad because I really missed Number 2 and our amazing I-cant-keep-my-hands-off-you-I-love-you connection.

Needless to say, I don't think I was ready for this.
I dont think I have my confidence back enough to have stood up to him and told him to fuck off when he was being a dick. Well, clearly I don't because I didn't.

And now I am crying because I am still sad about Number 2 and still haven't dealt with it.

Melissa and I just OFFICIALLY declared no more dating for 3 more months.
I like this plan.

I need to work on my escape to NYC anyway.

I am FREE!

Love me some Natalie Dee cartoons.

Someone quit their job today and that someone was ME!
It was pretty scary and I waited until the end of the day, but it was good and healthy. They were surprised but weren't SHOCKED, I think they knew I was unhappy. It was such a mix of things so I am glad they didn't ask for specifics. In fact, they asked for guidance so they don't run through nannies and continue to have problems. I got a job 20 hours a week with a new family with a 5 month old. YAY! They are really cool parents and a great family, plus I am going through the agency this time so it should be much clearer what my job expectations are. But now I need to fill in the gaps and that makes me SO nervous. I am hoping I will be able to find something in the next 2 weeks...trying to pull out all the stops to get me another 10-20 hours a week. I am sure something will come up. Otherwise, it will just be a little tight next month and I probably won't be able to do anything fun.

Still unpacking and trying to get these boxes gone and away forever. I have tomorrow afternoon and Wednesday off, so hopefully I will be able to get the rest of this stuff out of the way. I redecorated my bathroom already! Can't wait to show you all!

So...um...tomorrow T invited me and Annie over for dinner. Well, actually he said he wanted to hang out with us (to annie, bring your friend Esther) and I said he should make us dinner and I'll bring wine...so that's whats happening. It is really nice to have someone kind of like you...even if they just got out of a weird few weeks relationship and even if he has said he doesn't want to be in a relationship and even if maybe he just wants to hook up and even if I just got my heart broken. BESIDES all of that, having little crushes never hurt anything:) And I'm not going to lie, having a boy actually WANT to hang out with you is awfully nice.

Dealing with Number 2 disappearing forever is going better. I haven't cried in a really long time and I am starting to notice cute boys and flirt again. I have decided that it didn't hurt so much because its over...it hurts more because of how he ended it. By just not calling 5 days before my birthday plans with him. I think that was the sucker punch I am still reeling from. But I am typing this and NOT crying. Oh crap...just remembered I teared up at the Azure Ray show when Micah wasn't looking. Their songs are just really sad and bring up EVERYTHING! Ok, but BESIDES when songs punch me in the face...someone is surviving.

Bella is trying to adjust to her new life here at the condo. Unfortunately she is crying and yipping when I leave which is VERY unlike her. I know she will grow out of it quickly, but being in a close quarters complex doesn't really give me oodles of time to wait it out. Plus, her barking at people coming in or walking by must end. So tomorrow I am off to buy her a bark collar- don't worry, vibrating only. You know how I love things that vibrate.

Life might be turning around for me. This could be the beginning of another "good" life cycle. Oh please let it be.

Is That My Psychologist Calling?

After some analyzation and talks with the girls, I don't think I am really dealing with my emotions with everything that happened with Number 2 and SS very well. I think I am just avoiding feeling things about it until it just bubbles up randomly and I'll start crying all of a sudden when it someone brings it up or when a song comes on or something. Basically, besides writing on here and sitting and thinking, I haven't dealt with my feelings WHATSOEVER. No journaling, praying (I'm a prayer), counseling, reading, nothing.

Isn't it normal to just be so angry and hurt you don't want to deal with it? I am doing a very good job of distracting myself with the move, and looking for a new job, and my past birthday, and everything. Or am I supposed to just sit and be sad and read about how to get over it and journal and be all sad all the time? Where is the in between on this, between avoidance and depression.

So I think I am going to consider therapy. I have insurance for it I think, and it helped me A LOT to get over my break up when I was in high school and got all depressed and messed up. And because a few good friends have kind of suggested it might help me process things. It's not just the break up. I have had a shitty year of people dying, moms cancer, swine flu, and family financial problems...this is just the icing on the cake.

Is it weird that I am telling all of you this?

probably.

But really, this is following entires about me purchasing a new Vibe, so Im pretty sure nothing will surprise you anymore.

Still Weird.

So of course I am still processing ALL of the men in my life stopping all communication with me for no foreseeable reason. And how shitty it makes me feel about myself...even though all of my girls keep reminding me there is NO reason I should feel bad about myself when they're the assholes.

The stuff with SS sucked because it was still rejection when I was already feeling rejected from Number 2...he was sick and said he would "call me tomorrow" and I never heard from him again. I was going to talk to him about "just being friends" anyway, so I kind of got off the hook there...but it was still weird.

Number 2 hasn't contacted me in 17 days.
I have't contacted him in 14 days.
Just for no apparent reason, dead.
At first I thought he was just busy over that first weekend...sometimes we don't talk everyday and I freak out a little but it was always ok in the end, but now that it's been 17 days with NOTHING I of course see that he's gone. After our year of craziness. After our year of going through SO MUCH together. After all of that. Just gone. Like he never existed.
And I cry pretty much everyday...usually in my car listening to sad songs.

And I literally feel like my heart has been broken into a million pieces. Although it's repairable, it's going to be quite the process.

He's done this before and then will call me and we make up...it wasn't as long as this though. So I don't really see him calling at this point, but even if he does I know I have to ignore his calls and that we're really done now. Forever.

And as you know I am RIDING the single girls train in full fury...I am having a hard time even LOOKING and ENGAGING with an attractive guy. I just don't have the heart for it anymore.

As I told Annie the other day, You can only take so much rejection, ya know?

So I am giving this 6 weeks to be sad about it, we're down a little over 2 so about 4 more weeks to go. According to the cute ladies I work for, 6 weeks is their friendship groups theory on how long it takes to get over someone. By 6 weeks of NO communication you should be able to think of that person and not ache anymore, but instead make that weird face of "really? What was it about HIM?"

After 6 weeks I will consider joining match.com. Consider flirting with all the cute boys I come across again. Consider feeling something other then hurt, rejection, loss, and brokenness.

But until then.

Finished.

Deleted Number 2 from Facebook. My phone. His pictures. From gchat. Everything.

Deleted my online dating profile. I need a break.

New cute neighbor, T, I kind of liked who I thought was into me just changed his status to "in a relationship" on facebook so thats done.

Decided to stop texting with the random online guy Im not really that interested in anyway. Again, need a break.

So my month or so of hoards of boys and drama is over apparently. Knowing me, it won't be long before something else comes up. But gosh do I have enough going on with moving and my weird job (more on that another time) and being sick.

I am actually really excited to just be on my own and to stop SEEKING out someone for awhile. If it happens it happens, but I need to stop hunting. I am actually super anti boys right now anyway after the Number 2 episode. Even SS just randomly stopped texting and calling me last week. So adios boys. I am currently not your biggest fan. You never know what you want and you break my heart and constantly leave me hanging. We're taking a break.

So I'm working. (and looking for other jobs)
And resting.
And listening to sad music. (See current obsessions)
And packing.
And snuggling with Bella.
And missing my girls.

And being free.

Its MY Fucking Party and I Can Cry if I Want To.

Seriously.
This may be the worst birthday ever.
I am not saying it hasn't had it's awesome moments where I tried to stop and bottle them to save for later use.
But really.
Even if it was just a week like this I'd be exhausted, let alone my birthday week.
DAMN.

The Shit:
No one could go to Disneyland and a bunch of people can't come to my party tomorrow so I am already feeling pretty sad.
Then the Number 2 incident.
Then my car broke down.
Then the guy I thought was into me on my birthday night ended up making out with my friend.
Then allergy attack 2010 today.
Then just as I was about to fall apart at the grocery store picking up the last items for the party, the champagne fell down and broke all over the floor and exploded all over me and everywhere.

So yeah. Not awesome.

Still haven't heard a peep from Number 2. It's been a week since we've even communicated at this point. I've cried everyday since Sunday when I realized what was happening. Sometimes I won't even realize I'm crying because I'm so full of anger and disbelief at the same time.

The Lovely:
Got a cute hair cut on my birthday for free from my employers, its been a year and I am so happy to have nice hair again!
Had an awesome birthday dinner and margarita with Annie!
Got to talk to Cassie and Kelsey on the day of:)
Lots of sweet facebook messages which is always nice.
Had a FANTASTIC time out with friends dancing and drinking yummy drinks last night downtown.
Got my new housekeys today from Melissa and she gave me the tour to the mailboxes and our POOL and JACUZZI!
Bella is doing much better.
Mom got her port out today! No more cancer! yay!
Tomorrow is the big party and although I am stressed with too much planning, I am excited too.

I am hoping this weekend will perk things up...birthday party tomorrow night, birthday lunch with girl friends on Saturday, and family birthday on Saturday or Sunday too.

I am excited for next week to not be so stressful...I can just focus on packing and figuring my car situation out. Even though its fun things this week, I need sleep. I am trying to stay awake until 9.

Officially 25.

No, "I Told You So's"

Let's make this quick.
Because I am upset that I am even in a position to be upset about this.
That I let this happen again.

Things we Knew:
Number 2 was calling me everyday.
Number 2 and I were talking about taking multiple trips together.
Number 2 is kind of acting like things are getting more serious between us.

Current:
Number 2 asks where we should go for my birthday. We choose Tuesday.
I haven't heard from him since Thursday.
I even called him to check and see if he was alive Sunday and he just cleared my call and I heard nothing back.
Tomorrow is Tuesday.

At first I was surprised and concerned that I hadn't heard from him...it's so unlike him not to call.
Then I started remembering. It took me a few days to remember.
That this has happened before.

Why did I even forgive him the first time?

Somehow he has managed to fuck me over and make me cry even on my birthday.

I AM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER THIS FUCKING BOY WHO IS NOTHING BUT AN ASSHOLE.