A Dream.

What is it about that person. Every time you are with them things go fuzzy around the edges, no one else exists, and it feels like your chest is going to explode from happiness for no apparent reason. Is it even real? I am beginning to feel like last Monday with PAG was a dream. That our entire epic few week winter romance and post long distance late night conversations weren't even real at all. Sometimes I have to read old posts on here to even believe that everything happened in real life. 

The up's and down's of actually letting yourself care about someone is exhausting (hello and welcome to my life), but damn is it worth it. Since I am learning that real love is much deeper and takes longer to build then the dreamy fuzzy feelings I typically attribute to being in love, lets just say that passion and romance. And exploding hearts. And kisses in the rain. And waking up with someones arms around you kissing the back of your neck. And melting when he looks at you and tells you you're beautiful. And that smile when he texts you that he misses you. 

Are Worth It. 

Work.

Make time for me?

Finally I texted PAG Friday evening with a,

"So are you just swamped with work or do you not want to see me again?"

His response was immediate and verified he's been super busy all week and that hes sorry, he's been used to the single life. We discussed the weekend since I was hoping he would have time then, but he's going to a lecture in LA all weekend and promised to make it up to me next week. Not sure how to proceed on this one, he's always been super busy even when I was here before and when we were long distancing while I was in Europe. Now, I'm in town after being gone for 6 MONTHS and he couldn't even spare more then one night for me in a week? And do I really want to mess with someone who doesn't know how to manage their stress and time?

However. Let's not get all cra cra just yet. Just because I came into town doesn't mean he can stop his life for me again, and would it even be wise to do that? It would be all intense again and I would leave and then what. Maybe it's better to spread things out a bit anyway. Plus, I know hes right about being used to being single. He's an introverted 30 year old whose been very single and working his ass off in physics for how many years?

So this got me thinking.

Where is the balance between being an awesome single person who works hard, plays hard, travels, enjoys life- and doesn't need a significant other to do it- BUT fills their schedule so full that when a great person does come along...they don't have time for them. They work long hours, have activities everyday after work, and their weekends are booked with fun or work things way in advance. The contrary is those sad single people who just work and come home, watch tv, eat a lean cuisine...maybe have some friend plans on the weekend or just clean their flat...basically Liz Lemon. So where is the balance?

PAG is not the only guy I know in this situation. We all know I have dated other men who were "too busy" for valid reasons to spend as much time with me as I felt appropriate. Men who worked long hours, had serious gym schedules, were studying for the GMAT, were finishing their PhD, preparing to run a marathon, fill in the blank here. And I have guy friends who tried to date women who were leading the same kind of lives and they tried to pursue them but booking 2 weeks ahead of time wasn't very appealing. Where could anything go if they didn't even have time to date?

I suppose we all know the answer. Fill your schedule as much as you want with the things you love. When the right person comes along, you're supposed to MAKE time for them. But I just don't know how to proceed when these boys tell me they really really like me, but that they are just busy for now and to give them a break and they promise to make it up to me...

With that being said, dating sucks. I'm so over it.

Friends.

WHY do we have to have these amazing men in our lives that will never, for one reason or another, work out as a dating relationship? WHY do they even exist besides to frustrate the hell out of me.

Take Z for example. One of my favorite friends I've made in Bratislava. I am extremely attracted to him, we always have these amazing conversations, the first person there I have things in common with, the list goes on. But of course, he's also kind of a crazy person, annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and hits on me every time hes drunk but swears when he's sober he doesn't want anything with me. Cue me having to veto every time he makes a move on me, which isn't always easy when I'm attracted to him too. Fun times.

Then there's Africa. Also one of the sweetest guys ever, so smart and well educated, attractive, sensitive, attentive, loving...but his priorities are all about improving himself and women are kind of on the back burner during this time of his life. Plus, he's trying to apply to jobs that will let him live other places long term- I can't get seriously involved with someone like that so we just stay friends...annnnnd sometimes hook up before I leave for San Diego for like 2 months.

Finally -insert here- the many amazing men that I meet who are either living in Bratislava temporarily or live in San Diego and I am the temporary one. Everything will be there...attraction, things in common, chemistry, you name it...but we can't even attempt anything because one of us is leaving all too soon and we like each other too much to just hook up. Times like these I want to punch timing in the face and almost wish I had never even met these gentleman.

I suppose it part of the age we live in. All of us are in our mid to late twenties trying to start careers, "find ourselves", and focus on getting our own shit together while also trying to meet someone else and have something worthwhile to give them. Everyone is moving around trying to figure things out...it just makes it hard to find anything substantial.

With all of that being said, I have official dinner plans with PAG this evening and am already freaking out. I know its going to be wonderful and perfect which is probably why I am freaking out to begin with. What do I do with this fantastic person sitting across from me?

Wish me luck.

xoxo

Harper Lane.

Am I Allowed To Do This?

No surprise, birthday boy couldn't find time to see me today.

But you know who DID?

Africa.

Yeah, Africa came by today after a fancy shmancy interview to say good bye to me and I wanted to hear about how his interview went. He was so sweet with me and it was so nice to see him it didn't even feel weird when he kissed me properly on his way out.

And he INSISTED on waking up with me at the crack of dawn and helping me carry my bag to the bus station. I kept telling him "no no no, really I can manage" but he really insisted and how could I say no to my sexy ex lover in a suit?

Sooooo Africa is coming over tonight to sleep and then wake up with me at like 3a to go to the bus station that will take me to the airport.

I think he might actually like me and is trying to woo me again.

But here's the thing...

I keep feeling like a floozy for sleeping with these different guys. Am I allowed to have semi sex with one guy on Friday, and then (probably) another one on Monday? Granted, both boys I know pretty well and are my friends already. But isn't this a little skanky? I just don't know anymore. I am always so in the moment, I forget about anyone else besides the person I am with until later when I go...hmmm, was that not ok? I really don't know. Someones sense of judgement has gotten rather skewed.

However, at the same time. We are all in this really weird time in our life. Everyone is moving around and doing their thing, I'll meet these really great guys but I am only here for 6 months...or a year...or whatever...and they are only stationed here for a few months, or just interviewed for a job that would move them to another country, etc.
So what do you do?

Just enjoy the time you have. 

Not sure what else there is to do.

Besides to ALWAYS wear a condom and get regular check ups. hehe.

Spoiled.

Currently have a man who goes shopping, brings food over, then proceeds to make me sit on the couch and watch TV while he cooks delicious African food for me. And not just once in awhile, but multiple times a week if I let him.

When we wake up in the morning, he makes me eggs, toast, and tea and we eat it in bed before he shoos me out the door for work.

I bought a little workbook and he is helping teach me French before we go to sleep.

I get dressed up and go sit at the fancy bar he works at and he buys me fancy drinks.

And I am finally getting used to falling asleep to French radio and being snuggled with the entire night.

I'm just saying, a girl could get used to this.
And probably should.
And stop taking bullshit from anyone else ever again.

xoxo

HL

A Little Help From Our Friends

"Why do I continue to spend time with him?! He is the OPPOSITE of someone I would like to spend time with! I feel like such an idiot!"

Lets all remember one of my girls' wise words when we embark on spending our precious time with shitty men. He is the OPPOSITE of who you want to spend time with!

From one girl friend to another.

xoxo

HL

If You Liked It, Then You Shoulda Put A Ring On It.

Sorry it took me forever. I know some of you are probably crawling out of your skin wondering what happened, but I am sick and not writing obviously means bad news...I just couldn't bare to write yet. You had to settle for the hilarious Britney post.

So basically, I finally got a hold of him last night at 1am...I couldn't sleep anyway...and I got it out of him (I could tell it was hard for him)...me being out until 6a and calling him was too hard for him. He didn't know if I was ok, who I was with, what was going on...and just felt like something was going to happen and he wouldn't even know and would end up hurt. I think we just haven't had enough time together to establish a trust, because he has no idea how careful and safe I am out there. I tried to tell him. I tried to explain that I am careful, am always with my friends who look out for me, and that I LOVE having a boyfriend and don't feel the need to be "free". But I wasn't pleading. Just informing.

He is more of a stay at home book guy...I mean, he goes out and is fun and everything, but its kind of a new thing for him. He said it wouldn't be an issue for me to go out if I was back in socal because he would know where I was and who I was with and could come get me if something terrible happened. But the time change, not knowing who I am with, and just being here made it too difficult for him.

My girls have been telling me the same ol cliche stuff...
"better to know now, then later..."

"your too good for him, if he can't see how great you are..."

"everything happens for a reason..."

you know the drill.

But I feel pretty shitty. And the record in my head keeps playing that I fucked this up by moving away and by calling him at 6a a lot kinda drunk. But I called him so he would know I was home safe and that I missed him...I tried really hard. I did everything I was supposed to. I also gave him a lot of shit for trying to end things the way he did with the weird email and then not responding. He felt bad, as he should, jack ass.

So the plan is to sit in just being sad awhile. Which works out because I am home deathly ill the rest of the week anyway. Funny movie, wine, and chocolate night tonight with the roomie. Spa day on Saturday with my besties here. And hopefully booking an awesome trip for Easter break. I am hoping to be back to my "single and fabulous" self here in a few weeks...I mean, we go out and party every weekend and live it up...it'll just be different now. Now I can actually listen to the hoards of propositions I get every weekend for attractive men...and just see what happens I guess. Even though I am so over that scene. But maybe I'll feel better about it around May 15th when its been A YEAR since I've had sex.

Even though I don't feel it yet, we're back ladies. Back to being single and fabulous.

Now lets go put the BRAT back in Bratislava.

xoxo

HL

It's Done.

Finally he called me back.

We are officially done.

(For now?)

I should probably sleep though, so more details to come. 

Being extremely sick with a head and chest infection PLUS breaking up with your boyfriend while being in a foreign country = awesome. 

For The Record.

Sooooo a few of my lovely readers have mentioned they are super confused and behind on all of the relationship drama. So here is our catch up.

OK SO.

Most recently Postal Annex Guy (PAG) and I had an AMAZING winter fling weeks before I was set to move to Slovakia to teach. He was perfect. We had some bumps in the road, but really tried to make the long distance thing work. 3.5 months into it he couldn't handle me going out all the time and not knowing if I was ok or not...seriously, long distance sucks guys. So we are having what I like to call a "pause" button until summer when I am home. He initiated the break up, but I think it might be for the best...for now. Now I can focus all my energy on putting the BRAT back in Bratislava.

Number 2 We started dating October 2009. We fell HARD for each other and were totally in love within a month or so. I lovingly gave him my virginity, and at 24 years old, it felt like a big deal. We were best friends. He would call me multiple times a day just to talk about our day...I had serious trauma going on in my life and he was my "person" I would call and I was his "person". However, he was applying to go to grad school at Notre Dame. So he never wanted us to be "serious" even though we clearly were. He always said things like...It's just not a good time for either of us, maybe someday we will meet in New York (both where we want to end up) and live happily ever after. So I spent a lot of time crying and frustrated because we would fight about him not calling me his girl friend....I never met his family or friends...I never even went to his house. As wonderful as parts of it were, parts of it were ridiculous and I have no idea why I let myself put up with it for so long...oh yeah, because I was in love. Anyway...we were kind of breaking up on and off over the summer...I was trying to date other people...he was totally coming around more so I thought we were going to get back together officially and then October 1st. A few days before my birthday -which we had plans to do something together on- he just stopped calling me. Just like that. Stopped responding to the few calls and texts I sent making sure he wasn't dead since we talked like 3x a day.
And I never heard from him again.

After a fucking YEAR.

Then there was SS. I only dated SS for like 6 weeks. End of August until ironically right around October 1st too. I was trying to date him, and either end things with Number 2 officially or have Number 2 come chase me because either way I wasn't happy with how things were. SS and I had a lot of fun together, he made me laugh and was VERY sweet and considerate. But apparently he was pretty much high all the time and was REALLY into smoking weed. Plus, I wasn't super attracted to him. The same day Number 2 and I last talked was the same day I called SS to end things because I thought Number 2 and I were going to get back together.

I never heard from either of them again.

It was a sad 25th birthday.

So now we are in Bratislava, Slovakia. Suddenly finding ourselves making friends, going out, dancing, and getting hit on...but now, doing all of this single. 

AND obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park you can always email me blackandlashes@gmail.com with any questions! I would love it.

lovelove.

Two-Faced.

Is it possible to be a Samantha AND a Charlotte?



A friend and I were recently discussing the two sides we find in ourselves in constant war with.

Side Numero Uno: Wants hot dirty rough sex anytime, anywhere. (Especially ME on the "anywhere" part, haha). Who gets her ass slapped and shows too much cleavage.

Side Numero Dos: Wants to be that sweet innocent lady you take home to meet your mom and show off at family gatherings.

How I regard men is the same way. I want an ass grabbing sex pot who throws me up against the wall in a fit of passion. Who leaves me bruises and walking funny the next day.

But then I also want that sweet romantic guy who lights candles and goes slow and is sweet. Where we wait months before doing anything because HE wants to. Who wants to be a family man and is so tender with me. Maybe we even go to church.

Is there an in between?

I'm not so sure.

In what I've read men want to MARRY the clean cut lady...and have fantasies or side flings with the cleavage lady.

Sorry guys, but I'm both.

Your clearly not ready for this jelly.

The Hickey(s).

Ridiculous. Vampire?




The attempts at a coverup. Thank God the weird Mid October heat wave ended today.




And there it is.
In all its glory.
My first and only array of hickeys.
I feel like Im either 17 or a REALLY skanky version of myself.

So the evening went like this...
Met at a bar...got a drink...went for sushi and sake...went back to his place to watch a movie and drink wine. It was actually probably the best "date" I've ever been on because I was so relaxed and we get along really well. Good conversation, lots of laughing, just nice and chill. He even asked me about Halloween and invited me to go with him to his friends party on Saturday. So I was pretty stoked.

Then I made the mistake of going to his house to "watch a movie". I guess I just figured we'd snuggle and make out and it wouldn't be a big deal. But of course after he kissed me he took me back into his room and I was too sleepy mixed with the drinks to say no and think through what was happening. So we were just making out, both declared we DID NOT want to have sex, and then he started trying stuff...you know...hands down the pants, up the dress...all up in my grill. And then when I kept stopping him he would get all weird about it and kind of laughed at me. In fact, he did laugh at me and said I was kind of "geeky". That's when I started to get angry. Now, I like to have fun just as much as the next girl but I am also one of those girls who doesn't like to go too far without a few dates under our belt. It doesn't have to mean we're on our way to a fancy relationship, (even though that is what I want), but it does mean I'd like to get to know you a little more before I get all naked and intimate with you even if we don't have sex. Call me crazy, but I like being comfortable.

When he was being weird, I even said, "your just not used to nice girls are you. You've been bringing home the skanky ones"...and I kept trying to tell him "just not on the first date" and then he gave me the weird speech...
"I didnt give you the wrong impression about us hanging out tonight, right? I mean, I just want to have fun. Im really not looking for anything serious. Sorry if that hurts your feelings"

By then I was already angry for being made to feel embarrassed about not wanting to get all crazy on the first date and then I get the "I just want to fool around and not actually date you-your cool with that right?" speech which I am SO OVER after a year of Number 2 bullshit. He kind of picked the worst girl ever to give that speech to. Which I even told him.

So then I just decided, fuck it, and to have fun and relax because someone hasn't had more then just a little make out in MONTHS and so YES we did fool around but NO we did not have sex of any kind. He was really snuggly too which was nice and we did have a good time.

Until I woke up looking like a choke victim with cum on my face.
(again, no sex of any kind...but sometimes things go flying ya know?)

So today I have mixed emotions...pissed about my hickeys and for being made to feel weird about not being a whore on the first date (SO over boys pulling that shit) and getting the "I dont want anything serious" talk. But also stoked that I had a nice time with someone and got a little action. But then sad because I really missed Number 2 and our amazing I-cant-keep-my-hands-off-you-I-love-you connection.

Needless to say, I don't think I was ready for this.
I dont think I have my confidence back enough to have stood up to him and told him to fuck off when he was being a dick. Well, clearly I don't because I didn't.

And now I am crying because I am still sad about Number 2 and still haven't dealt with it.

Melissa and I just OFFICIALLY declared no more dating for 3 more months.
I like this plan.

I need to work on my escape to NYC anyway.

Choke Victim?

I plan to write all about the "date" tomorrow after I get some sleep, but just know that my neck looks like a fucking choke victim after our evening. Literally way WORSE then this chicks. I don't even know what to wear tomorrow. I have never had a hickey, nor am I in high school...so DAMN IT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

And until I get a chance tomorrow, it was a great date. He's a lot of fun. Very easy going and relaxing. Super great.

Until I get the "Im not looking for anything serious, did I give you the wrong impression? Want to just fool around and have fun" talk.

I am so OVER these guys. GET SOME BALLS AND BE OPEN TO COMMITTING DOUCHBAGS. What girl wants to just "hang out" and "fool around"? Ok, I know there are plenty of you out there and I ended up being one of them tonight. But I am still leaving irritated and alone and pissed off at the male species.

And extra mad when I saw my neck in the mirror when I got home.

RIDICULOUS.

Maybe Ill take pictures.

What do I wear tomorrow in this freak heat wave?!

Finished.

Deleted Number 2 from Facebook. My phone. His pictures. From gchat. Everything.

Deleted my online dating profile. I need a break.

New cute neighbor, T, I kind of liked who I thought was into me just changed his status to "in a relationship" on facebook so thats done.

Decided to stop texting with the random online guy Im not really that interested in anyway. Again, need a break.

So my month or so of hoards of boys and drama is over apparently. Knowing me, it won't be long before something else comes up. But gosh do I have enough going on with moving and my weird job (more on that another time) and being sick.

I am actually really excited to just be on my own and to stop SEEKING out someone for awhile. If it happens it happens, but I need to stop hunting. I am actually super anti boys right now anyway after the Number 2 episode. Even SS just randomly stopped texting and calling me last week. So adios boys. I am currently not your biggest fan. You never know what you want and you break my heart and constantly leave me hanging. We're taking a break.

So I'm working. (and looking for other jobs)
And resting.
And listening to sad music. (See current obsessions)
And packing.
And snuggling with Bella.
And missing my girls.

And being free.

Swoon.

Setup:
You may not know that this has been the equivalent of my hell week. Ive been EXTREMELY stressed out all week due to a huge Teacher Performance Assessment (TPA) take home test we all have to do. Its literally at least 8 hours worth of work when I already have very little time to do homework as it is. PLUS I am taking my final CSET tomorrow and have had to find time to study for that...will be doing that today and spending the rest of the weekend trying finish the TPA, yippee:( So every night I have had to take ibprofun for these awful headaches I get from such long days and then have to try and work on the TPA or other homework. And I haven't been sleeping very much because I'm so anxious about everything I have to do...so Im a bit of a mess.

Luckily, although very tired and still have bouts of fussiness, I am surprisingly joyful and doing ok. Normally I get pretty depressed when I get stressed out, but now this time. Could be that I take better care of myself. OR it could be because he still calls me everyday, sometimes 2-3 times to tell me funny stories or "just to hear my voice" because "he misses me". I know right, swoon. OR because I had to google the other day "what does love feel like" because sometimes I so sure Im falling in love. OR because he doesnt ever even use my name, he just calls me "beautiful", as in I pick up the phone and he always says: "hey beautiful". Yeah, who is this guy?

A 5th Date:
Number 2 and I had plans for Saturday evening late for a drink. Why was it going to be late? Oh, because his sisters are throwing a benefit concert for the hurricane victims in the Philippines and hes in charge of playing with his nieces during the event. He loves them. Its freaking PRECIOUS. But. We missed each other already. So when he texted me last night "I wanna see you" just when I was about to throw my books in the fire and call it quits on school in general, I gladly accepted his offer. I got to wear a new dress. And we went to a nice lounge type bar in La Jolla. We got to cuddle and talk a lot and it was so nice, and just what I needed. We tried to talk about "where is this going", but I think we are both still too scared to push things just yet. I'm scared of getting hurt and I think he's scared of getting his heart broken. We have issues. Who doesn't. I find out about Teach for America on November 12th, that will definitely influence things. So for now, we just know that we love spending time together. and that "I'm constantly on his mind". and that we like each other. I'm trying to let that be enough, but its hard. And I'm finding there are no right ways of going about things. There are so many options and ways I could handle us, any of them would "be fine" I just have to pick one.

Of course all of this doesn't help me sleep at night either. Oh the analyzing.

Melt.

Things are good:)
I dont know what else to really write. I am happy. Despite being EXTREMELY stressed out with the amount of school work I have to do this week and over the next few weeks, he is actually the perfect glimmer of light while everything is so crazy. Except I have a hard time concentrating and focusing because I keep thinking about him and whats happening. Im trying really hard not to over analyze everything, but you know me. its really difficult. So instead I just replay all the sweet moments we have with each other and try not to dissect them. Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

Number 2 and I went shopping and had lunch together on Saturday afternoon. It was nice to spend time together, we just really like each other:)H&M didnt have anything...except I did get to replace my holey black cardigan with a new one. I dont want to throw away the old one though. its been ALL OVER THE WORLD with me! its been my partner in crime for so many years now, Europe, India, NYC, Portland, everywhere. So I might save it for the quilt im going to make. Then we went to Tiffanys, Jimmy Choos, and Bloomingdales. of course lots of cute things at Bloomingdales, of course everything was $200+. But he was so fun. and he had fun. and i didnt take forever trying things on or anything, and we just laughed and cuddled. but he was still getting over being sick so I could tell he was tired and not as silly as usual. but it was ok with me.

we still talk everyday on the phone and/or AIM. In fact, we're talking right now. I always have homework and hes always working on his grad applications, so AIM is working well for us in the evenings. But then we dont want to go to bed, so we're working on that. teehee.

one tiny little snippet to share. And you will see why I want to keep as much in my heart as possible. direct quote:
"I just adore you."

this is what Im saying. What do I do with this guy all adoring me, oh man.

Heart.

I had a plan devised.
I thought I had him all figured out.
This stuff is so complicated.
I was pretty sure after the "i dont want to be in a relationship because im moving" talk, I was positive he didnt actually like me that much and just wanted someone around to sleep with on a regular basis without a commitment, and uh hello, thats so NOT me. (For the record, we havent slept together, as if that was even a question. Some of us are still classy ladies and still believe in love.) So the plan was to tell him, I think we just want different things but besides a relationship, if your willing to just hang out and have fun...and not uh, just want to get into my pants, then im ok with that too. The plan was foolproof! uh, not so much.

He got the cold thats been going around, so he's all sick in bed and cant really talk but "wanted to talk because he missed me" (I know) so we did it old school, high school version, and he made a date with me for AIM. which began at 9p and went into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah thats right, AIM. talk about classy! haha. So finally, we talked about everything on freaking AIM. and we realized it was ridiculous we were talking about something so serious on AIM, but for some reason it felt ok. And then I was able to avoid that, "im all twitterpated and cant talk" thing I get when Im around him...yeah, thats a real problem.
Things that were discussed that Im willing to share. Most of it was too sweet to share with everyone, I want to keep most of it in my heart (this is a sign?).
Some paraphrasing for your enjoyment:
"so what schools that your applying to, do you want to get into most?"
"USC & Notre Dame"
"and how come?"
"well USC because then I could make you my girlfriend, and Notre Dame to just get out of here"
"whoa. serious?"
"well, yeah. I really like you."
---After my heart stopped dancing around my rib cage, I continued with an explanation of how my life after graduation is very open and I can go anywhere and do anything I want too. How I can teach anywhere. NYC isnt a for sure thing. But even if it was, Im up for "falling in love" anyway, Im not going to hide in my room and avoid getting close to people because Im scared i might get hurt. But thats just me.

and.

He also ensured me that if he just wanted someone to sleep with, he would have just gone to Pacific Beach (gross place in SD where all the partiers go. Its dirty and trashy, but all the college kids can be found there). and that he hasnt gotten into my pants yet, but hes still around. because he actually likes me. and is more than ok with me not being the kind of girl that sleeps with someone without being in love and in a seriously committed relationship. In fact, I think it made him like me even more.

and.

remember how I always go into lala land around him. I also get really nervous and am pretty sure I sound stupid and ridiculous the entire time we're together even though Im trying really hard to be soooooo cool. So Ive been really concerned that he thinks im stupid, because hes really smart. One of my issues is that im constantly concerned that people think im stupid. Ive been battling it for a long time actually. I know Im not, and it makes me so angry when i sense someone thinks I am or if I think im acting silly or fun and they'll think im stupid...its weird, but we all have our issues. thats mine. SO then this happened:
"listing more things he likes about me (i know right, tough life I live here), then SMART comes up"
"really? because Im pretty sure I get all twitterpated and act like an idiot around you"
"no, no I know your smart. and your cute. and I love your heart"

that last one, MELTED ME. I DIE.

and thats all you get. There is so much more to tell, but it was just so intimate and sweet I want it all to myself. This gives you the basic idea of whats happening.

basically: we're falling for each other, and we're both scared. talk about it.

I love that I was wrong about him.

But dont worry, Im still guarding my heart. And I told him that. and "hes sorry everything's weird."

So 1am rolls around and I have to be up at 6a so he tells me to go to bed. So I do. And just as Im coming down from my float on a cloud of elation, he calls me. To say hes sorry we had to talk about everything on AIM. and that he really does think im beautiful (how is this my life). and good night.

ok men, my faith in you has been rejuvenated. Some of you may not be all that bad.

So here we are. I just keep telling myself,

"Love is the journey, not the destination"

and reminding myself not to get carried away by that dang elation cloud.

love.

PS: enjoy these while they last, very soon they may be made super duper private. because. well. you know.

Catch Me If You Can.

So after fussing and fussing and finally coming up with a plan of action to deal with Number 2 kind of sucking, he called on Sunday afternoon because he was in Del Mar and wanted to see me later if I was free. I just so happened to be free...well, kinda ...but baking a pie and dyeing my hair can wait until Thursday (I know, I spend my time in wild and crazy ways)

We didnt do anything too exciting, just spent time together all romanticy on the beach...ok fine, it was kind of awesome. BUT somehow it came up that "what are we?" (believe it or not, I didnt bring it up) and all I remember are snippets because when Im happy I do this weird thing where I cant fully engage in whats happening around me because Im really busy dancing around in my head, uh yeah...but the snippets i remember were:
"well I dont think your going to like this...but the fact is, Im eventually moving..."
me: "im moving to!"
"exactly, your moving too...so..."
me: "I look at it like I can either have fun and enjoy myself until I maybe move, or just do nothing and maybe miss out on something awesome"
and then we decided to talk about it another time. Because I was happy and didnt want to ruin my moments, he probably got the vibe I didnt feel like discussing things. Hmm...maybe this is something I need to work on. because now I regret not finishing the conversation. I just like feeling happy. It happens so rarely nowadays (so dramatic).

anyway, all his talk would have been fine EXCEPT, wasnt HE the one talking about relationships since the second date? And wasnt HE the one calling me EVERYDAY? And wasnt HE the one talking about trips we might take together? and wasnt HE the one casually mentioning that Im possibly moving to NY and hes possibly going to school in NY so, you know...
I thought we were just casually dating until Mister "Im moving eventually" started with all this relationship stuff. Oh, I see, now its my fault.

And now I'm back in my over analytical mode trying to figure out what I want and what he wants. I keep going back and forth, back and forth about everything. I just wanted to date to have fun, but I was open to it getting serious. And I dont want to just be someones "whatever". I know I deserve more than that. And I wonder if he really liked me if he would be willing to take a risk and see where things go, but because he doesnt actually like me that much he just wants to keep me in the "whatever" category. Once again, Im debating whether or not to add this one to the "oh man, shes hot and I just want to get into her pants" pile of past gentleman. Man that pile is large. I really wish I had faith in the male species, but you fail me time and time again gentleman. Time and time again.

Through all of these adventures, I am realizing something very significant here: Ladies and gentleman, I am a catch.
There, I said it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Lets see, according to the many people I have met in my life I am what you would call "beautiful". I am well educated and intelligent. I come from a good family. I am well traveled. I am very friendly and outgoing and fun. I am honest, I dont drink too much or do drugs, I am extremely compassionate and loving. I am not crazy (debateable, I know).
SO um hello, a freaking catch.

So no Number 2, if you want to keep me in your whatever file, Im opting out. Either we are just dating and just casually having fun, or we are in a relationship (or on the way there). You dont get to have the best of both worlds and you dont get to treat me like Im not worth your time. Because Im a catch. Im the girl you take home to meet your parents. The one you tell all your friends about. The one you rearrange your schedule for. The one you actually plan dates for and take out. Thats the girl I am, the catch.

Ok, but seriously none of that helps because I still dont know what to do now. Ive prepared several speeches while driving in my car today, none of them were very good and all of them required me to be extremely engaged while with him which is pretty difficult when i go off into happy land the entire time. Ugh, I suck at this, I dont want to date anymore. Im not good at it and I just end up more stressed out than I already am which I didnt know was possible.

Someone just buy me a ticket and lets go to NY for a long weekend. We'll forget all our troubles and remember our souls. Ill take you to the MET and MOMA and shopping in SoHo and we'll flirt with beautiful men and go see amazing shows and wear all the winter clothes we never get to walking through the park. Ready? Lets go.

Frustrated Limbo

This is me frustrated.
So Number 2 was doing SO WELL and now hes got me all fussy and frustrated and Im questioning whether or not hes worth my time or getting frustrated over. As you may recall, the last time we saw each other was the 10th for a lame but nice study date -went really great. Then he told me he had to fall off the face of the planet until his GMAT on the 20th and I got sick so we've just been talking on the phone. He calls me almost everyday still, and its super nice. We have good conversation. Things are going well. Now his GMAT is over! yay! Now we can hang out, right?
I told him on Tuesday during our long "we're done with the GMAT and Teach for America Interview! yay!" conversation, Im free Thursday and Saturday. He calls but Im unable to pick up on Wednesday, call him back later and nada. Dont hear from him Thursday (so I guess we arent hanging out then?). and Now its Friday and he calls to talk and when I ask him about this weekend, he says he cant. Hes just really busy with his friend whose leaving the country and all his graduate application essays which are due in the next few weeks blah blah blah.
So now what.
I have no idea what we are because we arent actually dating because we dont actually go on dates. Honestly, I have a very vague recollection of what he even looks like because Ive only seen him twice and it was so long ago. I told him Im frustrated because this isnt how I date boys...uhhhh normally we go on dates? And he says hes sorry and its not me...blah blah blah. I dont know how to communicate how I feel without seeming whiney or like things are more serious than they are. I thought after the GMAT everything would be normal and we could just date like normal people, I thought it was just a little bump in the road and was really patient and supportive. Now I feel like Im just his "oh, im driving home from work and would really like to talk to a nice girl" girl. And im not dating other people because I realized it bothers him and I really do like this one...and it feels weird to date other people actually. But apparently we arent anything. I thought we were on the verge of something. He mentioned having a DTR even (determine the relationship talk), but I asked him to wait until we were actually present together.

This is just all so weird. Im trying to understand from his perspective, but im so frustrated and angry Im not ready for that yet. Honestly, I dont feel valued. I feel like hes not willing to spare me any time or make plans to spend with me. That everything else is more important. He tells me how much he likes me (not weird outright like that, but still), but I dont feel like hes showing it. But is he showing it, because he calls me all the time? And I know Im not a crazy person here, normal people go on dates...like on consecutive weekends or during the week. You cant even spare me lunch? nothing?

While before I was calling us "verge"...because we were on the verge of something...now we're just "limbo" because we are in this awful state of limbo where we are kinda dating but kinda arent and talk enough to be in a relationship but arent and its just limbo.

Ok, I need to go bake now. ARG.

Number 2 Gets a Promotion.

Date with Number 2 on Friday. (Although he will continue to be referred to as Number 2, he really deserves a promotion if his name was in fact based on rank. Which it wasnt, but still.)

To begin with, I debated about even writing a blog about Number 2 because things went so well (whoa). And because our time together was so effortless and fun, I cant even remember enough specific details to write about the things I normally do. Its as if, my brain finally relaxed and forgot to take notes. Looking back, I kind of felt like Sookie when she meets Bill in True Blood and cant read his mind and how relaxing that was for her. Or when Edward meets Bella in Twilight and the exact same thing happens. Not that Im not a nerd for vampire fiction or anything, whatever. But seriously, it was like that. Sooooo in light of all that, I'll try and give you some facts and leave out the details, because for the first time, they feel personal.

1) Movie in the park got canceled because of the random rain yesterday. BTW how weird/awesome was that? So we went to Sbicca in Del Mar, which is a new favorite of mine since whats-his-name took me there. Neither of us were hungry so we decided "to just get drunk instead" (laugh), which didnt happen because I am a lady so dont worry. Afterwards, we walked over to the beach area which was all sunsetty and romantic and we just "hung out" over there for a little while. Then we went to see the Invention of Lying which was hilarious but not what I expected and a perfect first date movie. Plus, during this time I found out he does in fact watch Arrested Development so that sealed the deal right there, haha.

2) We're both leaving around the same time! Which is amazing! Hes currently applying to fancy grad schools to get his MBA so he'll be most likely moving somewhere on the east coast. And hopefully this whole NYC teaching thing works out for me. For normal people this wouldnt be something they are into, but I was excited about it and I think he was too. Now we can have fun and see where things go without there being a ton of pressure. I mean, I know it will be horrible to leave anyone, but its part of life. Im not going to just be single and alone because I might be moving eventually. What would I be missing out on? This is the only life I get to live here. Have to live it.

3) We just get along really well. Hes super funny and sarcastic, and we just bantered and joked around with each other about everything all night. But we also had intelligent conversations about moving and traveling and such. Dont want to bring up politics or religion on the first date, then we'll really see whose intelligent (besides me, obviously). And I think we just may like some of the same kind of music (I KNOW). At least he knew who my favorite musicians even were, which is kind of a big deal. OH I just remembered something else, he asked me what my favorite museums were (nice question there amigo- 2 points!) and actually knew what they were and had been to most of them. Even the ones abroad. Probably because he spent 3 months backpacking Europe a couple years ago, whatever. And his friends all take turns planning trips each year, this year is his turn and they're going to South America. Whatevs.

4) He kept telling me nice things about myself (10 points?!). Unfortunately, Ive been having to immune myself from compliments from boys, and he was no exception. I love them of course, but Ive had to teach myself not to turn into their play-doh just because they called me beautiful...again. Which isnt hard to turn off since I get them so often now (Oh I know, tough life). And I have to be a little cynical here, because how often do they really mean it and how often do they just want to get lucky because they're pretty sure all girls have low self esteem? But he had some new more specific compliments I hadnt heard yet, so that was encouraging. Oh man, Im so jaded. jjj jaded.

5) This time, more than half way through the date, I realized I hadnt thought about whats-his-name ONCE. Number 2 is so much sweeter and more fun than whats-his-name he didnt even cross my mind. In fact, I didnt think about much of anything else the entire date. It was that "only two in the room" syndrome, and I liked it.

6) Major points scored when he called me on the way home to make sure I got home safely and to tell me how lovely everything was...although I dont think he used the word lovely, haha. Then he texted me the next day because "I should be studying but all I can do is think about you. Its all your fault!". So there you go. There's your detail.

Of course he said he wanted to take me out again, so now I just endure the dreaded wait for "the call".

TUESDAY=BIRTHDAY!!! Disneyland! Dancing with Girls! Dinner with family! Oh my! Cant wait!!! Not all on the same day, dont worry. I like to prolong the celebration of myself for as long as possible, obviously.

One Date Gone Wrong

And the adventures of online dating continue.

Well, as you know, I had a date with One last night. We were to get a delicious vegan dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then mini golfing...which I was less than thrilled about, but whatever I didnt want to plan anything so I got stuck with what he planned, fine.

To begin with. I was just not attracted to him. I like my fair share of burly guys, but he was just plain overweight. And didnt even have a nice face on him to help seal the deal. nada. Plus, his personality was SERIOUSLY lagging. He was a quiet introverted type of guy while Im...well...not. And, our conversation was rough. I can talk until the cows come home but Id rather not, Id rather have a guy who can carry a conversation and ask me questions and give good answers and...you know, be normal. And my favorite part, was the details about his life. Lets see...unemployed, but applying for the Peace Corp (for a year from now, alright!), lives with his grandparents where he spends his days taking care of them because his grandma is going blind and is losing her hearing. I mean, thats super sweet and everything but COME ON. How are you expecting to get a girl if you dont have a job and live with your grandparents?! I just wouldnt even date until you had that crap together!

The other amazing part was how awkward he was about everything...I dont think hed been on many dates (obvi). He was hesitant to talk to any of the wait staff, I had to ask him to pick a wine and even then he just chose the one with the big picture on the menu because it was on sale and he didnt really know about wine, he didnt refill my glass when it was empty (but dont worry, he did tell me it was ok if I wanted more and to go ahead and pour some for myself), it was just weird. and you know what the worst part was? the very worst part? I missed whats-his-name. I know, I said it. But its true. I kept thinking about him everytime this guy sucked at being a good date. Whats-his-name was always SO polite and knew how to take a girl out. He had a nice car, a fancy job, his own place, nice family. And we always had the best conversations and greatest chemistry. He always refilled my glass. And let me go first. And talked to the waitstaff. Nevermind that Im 80% sure he just wanted to get into my pants and has been a jerk these last few weeks (probably because he hasnt gotten into my pants, obviously). So that was weird for me. I realized halfway through the date how my mind was on whats-his-name and it freaked me out. I mean, hello, he hasnt been a good guy. Im still really annoyed by his recent behavior. So that was interesting.

(AND for the record, Im not super shallow and only care about a guy having money. I mean, if I met a guy I had a great time with who didnt have those things Id be ok with it. In fact, theres a boy I still have a crush on who isnt wealthy and it doesnt matter to me. But I do require them having a job and hopefully not living at home...or in squalor. And thats really not too much for a girl to ask for. So rethink your comment about how Im a gold digger or shallow or whatever it was you were going to write, thanks.)

Anyway. Everything was so weird and kind of awful, that I just decided half way through the date to be my own date and have a good time as well as I could with myself. haha. So I drank some wine. Ate some good food. Talked as much as I wanted. Was all giddy playing around the mini golfing place. And at the end of the night Id had a good time...just not with him. haha.

All in all it was a good experience. I learned:
-A girl always needs to have an escape plan (I was out by 9, not too bad).

-Dont date younger guys (I already knew this, but I decided to experiment. Experiment gone wrong).

-If everything is lonely you can be your own best friend! (a favorite line from a Bright Eyes song that seems to fit the bill).

-Dont be afraid to be "mean" and peace out after dinner with your made up excuse. And when they ask if they can call and take you out again...dont say "maybe". Because now I have to deal with that. ugh.

Tonight, Im actually looking forward to the date with Number 2. We've spoken on the phone and he seems normal. But really im more excited to go see the movie in the park since no one else would have gone with me. So if everything is lonely again, I can be my own best friend.

I just really wish whats-his-name wasnt a jerkface. Things would be so much easier. Well, not really, but in theory they would be. That doesnt really make sense does it. Wine does this weird thing to me where it relaxes me but then I cant sleep...so Im tired. and a little delirious from a long busy week.