Stop.

Hey gentleman, can we stop falling in love with me please?
And can the one I actually want let himself fall?

The other day Africa and Z both were trying to FB chat with me at the same time...Africa's started with "Hey Gorgeous"...and then just now some random guy in Vegas who I made it very clear to that I was trying to work out things with PAG, added and messaged me on FB. Random guy in Vegas REALLY liked me, but I just kept trying to give him the brush off without being too mean.

I just can't get these men to stop falling for me.

And the one I DO want I can tell is still hesitant to get involved with me as I am leaving again...

Although we do finally have plans for tonight, and we skyped for 2 hours last night- but I havent seen him in 10 days. Ridiculous.

Friends.

WHY do we have to have these amazing men in our lives that will never, for one reason or another, work out as a dating relationship? WHY do they even exist besides to frustrate the hell out of me.

Take Z for example. One of my favorite friends I've made in Bratislava. I am extremely attracted to him, we always have these amazing conversations, the first person there I have things in common with, the list goes on. But of course, he's also kind of a crazy person, annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and hits on me every time hes drunk but swears when he's sober he doesn't want anything with me. Cue me having to veto every time he makes a move on me, which isn't always easy when I'm attracted to him too. Fun times.

Then there's Africa. Also one of the sweetest guys ever, so smart and well educated, attractive, sensitive, attentive, loving...but his priorities are all about improving himself and women are kind of on the back burner during this time of his life. Plus, he's trying to apply to jobs that will let him live other places long term- I can't get seriously involved with someone like that so we just stay friends...annnnnd sometimes hook up before I leave for San Diego for like 2 months.

Finally -insert here- the many amazing men that I meet who are either living in Bratislava temporarily or live in San Diego and I am the temporary one. Everything will be there...attraction, things in common, chemistry, you name it...but we can't even attempt anything because one of us is leaving all too soon and we like each other too much to just hook up. Times like these I want to punch timing in the face and almost wish I had never even met these gentleman.

I suppose it part of the age we live in. All of us are in our mid to late twenties trying to start careers, "find ourselves", and focus on getting our own shit together while also trying to meet someone else and have something worthwhile to give them. Everyone is moving around trying to figure things out...it just makes it hard to find anything substantial.

With all of that being said, I have official dinner plans with PAG this evening and am already freaking out. I know its going to be wonderful and perfect which is probably why I am freaking out to begin with. What do I do with this fantastic person sitting across from me?

Wish me luck.

xoxo

Harper Lane.

Boobies.

A typical evening down the street at a nice bar/restaurant with my friends drinking and celebrating a friend. We were having a really really nice time celebrating with our friend: me, roomie, her bf, and Z...plus a few strangers who were nice and fun enough.

We were there for quite awhile when suddenly Z decided to turn the conversation for the ENTIRE table of mixed company to focus on: my boobs. Anything he could have talked about regarding them, he pretty much did. At first I just laughed because we were all drinking and it was mostly my close friends...but then he just kept going and going...ignored how uncomfortable I was with the mixed group and my requests to talk about something else and just kept going. I was so embarrassed because it was so inappropriate.

Just now as we walked home I pulled him aside and said, "hey- so next time we're in mixed company, could you not talk about my boobs? I don't care with these guys (our friends) but I didn't even know those other people."

He tried to beat around the bush but I wouldn't let him, and made him promise not to do it again.

I mean, I love my boobs. And I love attention. But the two don't go together in a way that makes any normal girl comfortable.

What's even more annoying is that there was a nice single northern Italian guy there who I would have loved to flirt with, but Z hogged my attention all night I could hardly talk to the guy. And for what? Because "he doesn't like me"? Who votes he doesn't know what he wants but likes my attention? ME.

And its now TUESDAY. A week until I go home. Still haven't heard from birthday boy since Friday.

Despite these double D's, still pretty single.

The Tables Turn.

lets dance.

Last night after feeling sorry for myself for awhile, I met up with my real friends at our usual Primi. I walked in and who was there?! Z of course. It wasn't awkward...until later. At first it was just 4 of us, and then slowly more and more of our friends started arriving and soon we had a table right by the dance floor and were all dancing together around it for hours and hours!

Highlights include: Z flirting SO much with one of my really good girl friends here who knows our entire situation and felt so awkward the entire time. When we went to the bathroom she asked me "so he's doing this to make you jealous, right?". It was ridiculous. He kind of just ignored me the entire night actually. I had 2 other friends who were kind of pairing up too, so then there was just me. Quickly I got bored and sad  and wanted to go home and cry...but I decided to just keep drinking, dancing, ignore him, be happy and eventually who showed up?

Birthday Boy!

Beautiful birthday boy. Remember him? Made out secretly last weekend at his birthday while Z was also hitting on me and I was very confused. Birthday boy is either very smooth or really likes me and its so cute.  We danced all sexy and were kissing on the dance floor (yeah, sometimes that happens)...I could feel Z watching and then later pulled me close to him and said "I'm sorry" but couldn't explain what for. So Z is clearly a crazy person and I am not going to play games with him anymore. I felt like crap the entire night watching him pay all the attention he used to pay me, to my friend who isn't even into him and felt awkward. And when I finally had a lovely boy who was so excited to dance with me, I had to suddenly deal with Z's bullshit again, really?

Micah mentioned the other night while chatting, "so whats with all your boyfriends?"

Oh, isn't it true. Good Lord.

But really, I don't have a boyfriend. And thats kind of the problem. I just have these random guys who want to hook up, and I'm trying to maneuver my way through it all. It's exhausting.

Big plans today of watching French movies and HBO miniseries while snuggling with myself recovering from 2 nights out. Schools out for the summer!!!

Stupid.

Dear Lord, my friends are stupid. And boys are stupid. All wrapped into one big stupid pile.

Scene 1
Everyone convinced me that at the party the other night Z was trying to get my attention, was jealous of the birthday boy, his hand holding and kiss attempts were NOT because he was drunk but because he was "so into you".

Scene 2
After several more fun nights out, Z is still not making ANY moves. Even when drinking a bottle of wine romantically by the river and sleeping an entire night next to me in bed.

Cue a necessary conversation:

Me: are you into me like a friend or INTO me like...you know. Because you've been sending mixed signals.

Z: (LAUGHS) why would you even think that?

Me: UHHHHH because every time you drink your alllll over me, and I think its because your drunk but everyone keeps telling me that your into me.

Z: (laughs) what? what did I do?

Me: tried to hold my hand several times, tried to kiss me, etc.

Z: oh. thats just because I was drunk.

Me: figured. but everyone else convinced me. ok.

Z: I mean...I like the way things are between us, don't you?

Me: yeah, Im fine. I dont care either way, I just wanted to know.

Z: so...we're cool, right? (insert fist bump here)

exit ME who goes to bed annoyed and frustrated with men who hit on you when they're drunk and use it as an excuse, and friends who over analyze things incorrectly when you knew in your heart you were right to begin with.

Scene 3
Z chats with roomie and says now its weird between us and she gives HIM shit for being the idiot- thank God. Haven't heard from him since, ME continues to be annoyed.

So we're now officially back on the totally single in Europe track- yahoo!

But now that roomie has a serious boyfriend and I am often playing the role of 3rd wheel...I miss having someone serious too. It was fun when we were both single or both had someone, but the imbalance is strange. I am home alone while they go out and she wants me to come but I have to convince her, "its a DATE roomie, with your BOYFRIEND, I am not coming!". And I think she really wanted Z and I to work out because the 4 of us got on so well.

I've been feeling so weird today. I am supposed to get my period but am on new birth control so it won't come, and my brain is all confused and analytical about everything and I'm so tired and lazy. I just felt grumpy and lonely all day.

Ok, friends finally invited me out- time to drink away the grump.

PS: 12 days until I am HOME! I am starting to get so excited!!!

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer.

Apparently I am RIDICULOUS.

Last night we had a party for the one marine we haven't met yet, apparently a black guy from Mississippi. We all met at my flat and went together, I was SO excited to see Z and had been looking forward to it all week, I was hoping it would be a good night for me to continue trying to figure out if he was into me or not. We arrive and rather quickly the birthday boy starts very overtly flirting with me. Z is acting his crazy self and I just thought he was being goofy and I was still a little annoyed I couldn't figure him out yet. I was talking to everyone, but then birthday boy would want me to talk to him...then Z would be acting crazy and I'd talk with him...back and forth all night. Finally, birthday boy asks to take me on a "tour of the house"...which I've already seen. I still don't have Z figured out, so I decided...oh what will it hurt...and we go on a tour. He overtly compliments and flirts with me like a 15 year old kid, then we kiss a bit before going back into the party. Confusion doesn't begin to describe. TWO attractive and sweet guys hitting on you at the same time...but one your not sure if you can even call it that because he's always crazy anyway, isn't he?

The highlight of the evening might be me between the two of them in the back seat, with birthday boys arm around me on one side...and Z trying to hold my hand on the other. I was SO confused.

The rest of the night was drama trying to get everyone into the clubs...but birthday boy decides to be a little bitch the entire night and crab about how shitty his birthday party is going...and Z loses his keys and just mopes in the corner. I am OVERWHELMED by both of their attention, I just decided to do my thing and see what happens. Then we run into Africa on the way to the club. Yeah, that happened. I could NOT deal at this point and just tried to ignore both of the them the rest of the night.

Wake up in the morning and my friends tell me their observances. Apparently I was paying way more attention to birthday boy (even though he just turned 24, and leaves in 3 months), and Z was trying to get my attention the entire night then moped because it wasn't working. To them, it looked like I chose birthday boy and was ignoring Z-who was CLEARLY showing me he was into me all night. Ladies and gentlemen, unbeknownst to me- I was a player. I couldn't make a decision (didn't really feel like I had to since I just me both of them) so I just played both of them...at the same party.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I didn't mean too. I just didn't know what to do, so I was just nice to both of them.

However, it comes down to this: Birthday boy is hot, a good kisser, and very sweet...but pretty obviously just wants to get laid and then is peacing out. As much fun as that would be, I think I would rather jump off this one night stand and 2 month lover train and try to embark on something more serious. I've been realizing the lack of actual relationships in my past love life...they are all just these little weird things of a few weeks, or that one entire year "kind of" relationship of some guy treating me like shit. I could see something substantial with Z for at least a little while, I enjoy his company so much and am very attracted to him.

But I may have fucked it up already. I just didn't know what was going on! I called Z today to maybe apologize and invite him to go to lunch with us, but he said later for a movie and dinner would be better. So I am all excited all day...then call him at the designated time and he says he's sleeping. So yeah...no reconciliation. We'll see what happens tomorrow, maybe we'll end up doing something.

Not the brightest crayon in the coloring box this weekend.

FML

So much.

Monday We took out a friend for his birthday, roomie kept buying me drinks even though I said I only wanted one and then wanted to go home, but noooooo all of a sudden laughing all night turned into her trying to hook me up with the birthday boy, and then we were the most wasted we've been since I've been here and we had to carry each other home at 2:30a. It was RIDICULOUS. On a Monday? Really?

Was feeling too sick to go into work Tuesday (I know, failure) and now that its the end of the year so we aren't doing much anyway...and both girls have called in for the same reason recently too, so I stayed home feeling fluish and sleeping all day.

After I slept in a bit and checked my email, got a message from mom saying they found something in her lung that has a 50/50 chance of being cancer but we won't know until a second scan in September. So here I am, sitting in bed feeling like shit and crying my eyes out because all I can think is that my mother is going to die, soon. I was trying not to freak out, but couldn't help it. I already feel guilty for being so far away after she's been so sick...now what?

I talked to her later and she explained that its not that big of a deal and the procedure to get rid of it is simple...but the bigger deal is that if it is cancer then that means her chemo didn't work and its basically only a matter of time. So that was fun.

To top off my shitty day, Africa decides he finally has time for me and calls me twice and chats me on FB. He was just acting casually, like "hey Im done with my exams finally, how are you". I tried ignoring him because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with anything and was actually angry that with everything going on, I couldn't even call him because he was "busy". But he called me out on ignoring him, so I had to get into it. Lets start with, IT SUCKED. I tried to explain how I felt about it being inappropriate for him to completely ignore me for 9 days, that if he's busy then thats fine, he can be busy without me. I'm not waiting around for him. But he genuinely did NOT understand, and I just felt so horrible. He felt like since he told me before that he would be busy all week, I should be fine with it. He just felt like he was right and I was wrong, I was so frustrated. But I am emotional about so many things right now, I am still confused about how much to put up with...was I expecting too much from someone? I want a guy who puts me #1 and if he isn't that then I should just peace...right? I just wanted some texts, a FB message, SOMETHING. I understand being busy, I am busy...but I still MAKE time for the people I care about.

NOT What Was Expected.

This has nothing to do with the post, besides what fuels said weekend. And also, I love gin and tonic with an undying passion and always will.

Wow. What a weekend.

To begin with, haven't heard from Africa since...Wednesday when he wrote to tell me he couldn't come over as I requested for dinner and to help massage my messed up back because we was "too busy". Haven't seen him in a week, and haven't heard from him otherwise since that little message. Didn't show up all weekend. Didn't respond to my texts. Confused? Yeah, join the club. Apparently spending an awesome weekend together=being over it. So instead of waiting around for his ass to not be busy and give a shit, I'm not going to be offended and just decided that if he's too busy for me then, fine. I am over this waiting game bullshit. Seriously. We're not doing this anymore. I am not hurt, or even so much angry as I am just irritated.

ANYWAY (theres a reason thats a big anyway),
A young man we'll call Z has been hanging out with us all a lot recently. The first few times I met him, his hyperness and weird jokes stressed me out. He was sure I didn't like him, and really he just irritated me and I just wanted to chill. (More drama then that went down, but it was stupid and ended up just being drunk people and miscommunication. Shock, I know). However, after roomie convinced me we actually had a lot in common and to give him a chance, we've been chatting more the last few weeks when we go out and have so much in common I feel like I could actually survive here now that someone finally likes the same music, movies, books, humor, TV, books, etc that I do. He is 28, from Croatia/Bosnia, and is majoring in English at a university in Vienna.  He is super American, and even though he speaks like 4 languages-his English is the best out of anyone we've met here. Often we talk in "we" around him and forget he's not American. Besides all of that, I find myself very attracted to him. I did initially, but his hyper personality exhausted me so I let it go. I see now that it was just him trying really hard to either fit in with all of us or to impress me...because according to roomie, its very obvious that he likes me.

The Supposed Signs:
-He's told roomie he thinks I'm "so hot" and told me later how beautiful I am.

-Friday night he stayed on our couch and we watched TV together a bit and he was holding my hand and trying to kind of woo me, which I disregarded because I knew he'd been drinking.

-He then proceeded to spend the entire weekend with me...we all went out Friday, and he slept on our couch, then Saturday we all went to a BBQ, then snuggled with roomie and her bf watching funny videos and eating crappy food late at night. Sunday instead of leaving he asked me to go get coffee and then we went to the riverside and had a drink, thhe carried all my groceries home and taught me how to roast a chicken, more good music and movies were played, and he didn't leave until Sunday night. He slept on the couch the entire weekend, and besides holding my hand and telling me I'm beautiful Friday night there weren't any overt moves. He always asks "So where's Africa?" and encouraged me not to put up with boys ignoring me....which brother said is a good move on his part. Trying to wait until I'm officially single before swooping in.

Despite all of this, I am still not so sure he's that into me. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends here so he might just be excited to make a friend, and the hand holding may have just been drunkeness/horniness.

Consensus from roomie, brother, and mom is: WHAT WRONG WITH YOU, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU, HE STAYED ALL WEEKEND!

And somehow I am still on the fence. Maybe because I feel weird since Africa and I aren't officially over...but more so because I really really obviously like this guy and it's kind of freaking me out. Boys are easier when I don't care so much. But also for the obvious reason that he's social and outgoing and doesn't have a lot of friends in the city, so that = just friends...right?

So. He's gone until Wednesday and then I have my super awesome friend Jen in town until Saturday, but we'll all be partying all week, which means we'll see each other again and see if there are these supposed "sparks" you speak of.

Who knew my love life was so ridiculous? Besides you of course...

xoxo

HL