I'll Be Seeing You.

Friday night was PAG and I's last night together. We were going to go down to Coronado where we had one of our first dates and the best Mexican food of my life, but at the last minute he texted me and asked if we could just go somewhere by his work since he'd been up since 5am and was preparing to go out of town too. So we went and got some other amazing Mexican food (complete with made by your table guacamole and finished off with fried ice cream and home made whipped cream- he spoils me), and of course had a great time talking and catching up. We genuinely get along so easily and are so attracted to each other, it constantly frustrates both of us we can't try and date for real in the same city. He was going to go to LA after dinner, but decided to get up early instead and ran home and told me to drive slowly so he could finish some work and pack before I got there. We snuggled, messed around, watched some TV, and slept all wrapped up in each other like we always do. This time I actually slept most of the night! Something I never do with him! I think I finally got used to being held so tightly at night...plus I was really tired. In the morning neither of us wanted to get up. He held me so tightly and kept kissing me all sweetly on my face while I scratched his back and we just sat there. When we said good bye out at the car we were both so sad. We just kissed and hugged...I definitely got teary and I think he may have also...he complimented me up to wazoo...finally I just had to go. And with a "I'll be seeing you" and a blown kiss I was off and away again.

It was all too familiar.

But the last few weeks have also shown me some of his true colors. Unanswered texts, unreturned phone calls, disappearing again, waking up at the crack of dawn and working until late at night and therefore being constantly tired, some of his beliefs too, were all red flags I am glad to be documenting. I don't want or need another Number 2 on my hands, or worse: who I become when I have a Number 2 on my hands. An emotional mess. But its difficult to tell how he really is since I am not permanently here. Could just be a busy time and his frustration with me leaving. I'll never know until I am really here. So I decided to back off while I am gone and see if he decides to pursue me at all and see how I feel about him too. Sadly, I have the feeling he won't contact me. He's always "so busy" and it's difficult for both of us to want to put anything into feeling something when it just can't work right now.
We'll see what happens.

One more thing. I think us not spending too much time together while I was here was a really good thing. We still obviously care about each other, but didn't spend so much time investing in each other only to have me leave again. This was more his lead then mine...we all know I am always all in even if it means hurting a lot later (which isn't necessarily better)...but in the end I see the value in it. We both still know something is there, but aren't a hot mess while apart.

I am SO curious to see if anything is still there when I move back. Until then...back to being single and fabulous in my little Euro city, and I'm so excited about it!

xoxo

HL

Overwhelmed.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've had an abundance of time...but have been so depressed and overwhelmed with everything going on I couldn't bear to write. So dramatic, I know. But by now you know this is how I roll. Either its the pill/hormones that makes me crazy town or its just me. But every once in awhile...usually on average every 2 months I just have these horribly low days where everything in life is just too much and I don't want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, nothing. Just sleep and cry and be depressed. It's pretty horrible, but I don't want to be on meds for something I have learned to deal with. I just give myself time limits on being in bed, make myself shower and eat, try and socialize even if its just me watching TV with a friend, and make sure to get sunshine and fresh air. Eventually the cloud goes away and I am ok again. Sometimes its triggered by stress, which is what happened this time.

Let's rewind to last Friday which I spent smiling ear to ear wrapped in PAG's arms until the morning when neither of us wanted to get out of bed. Everything is perfect and I get a "I'll call you later" when I left. Cue 5 days of not hearing from him. We chatted a tiny bit on gchat on Sunday, but only for 5 minutes and then he logged off. I made myself promise to try not to contact him, because I have been so confused about how he feels about me with this on and off stuff. By Thursday with no word I was tired of being so depressed and anxious all the time, so I emailed him. The email basically contained the important basics...either you don't like me, aren't making me a priority, or something else and you're being a jerk by ignoring me and not talking to me about it. You know I don't deserve this. I still think you're an amazing person and I wish we could be friends even while I am gone... thats about the gist.

THEN that afternoon Africa calls me and we talk for an hour or so about some serious things going on in his life...like he might be deported because no jobs will give him a work permit so he might have to marry his ex gf...but he doesn't want to lose me? And how he misses me? Um...ok, I haven't heard from you in a MONTH. I am hanging up with him and am literally saying good bye when PAG calls.

Snippets...
I'm so so sorry. It's just too hard. Every time I'm with you I want to invest more in you and then am reminded you're leaving again. And I don't want to hold you back while you are there, I want you to go out and have fun, but then I am unhappy not being able to be with you or a rescue phone call away and I worry about you. You're beautiful. You're smart. I love being with you. We would be together if you lived here. This is just how it is right now. Can I see you one more time before you go? Again, I am so sorry for hurting you. I don't mean to do it, I just shut down because you're leaving. You don't deserve it. 


We don't know if we'll be able to talk much while I am gone...he says he doesn't ever want to hear about me seeing other guys and its bound to come up and its too hard, but we can maybe try. Afterwards Cassie calmed me down with Realistically, he's not going to find the love of his life in the next few months, its going to be ok. PAG had said something similar too. On the one hand I feel 10x better having understanding and semi closure with him. But on the other hand am struggling with this dual life I feel like I am leading. Crazy party time in Europe vs. wanting to be more secure and settle in socal. This week I fill out the paperwork because I was accepted into a local sub system here...which is the reason why I left in the first place to teach abroad- nowhere was hiring here. But now they are! And now I have all these friends and living opportunities downtown where I would be much happier living. Plus with so much family stuff going on and my impending departure, I have been feeling drained to say the least. It's all just a lot to process.

I finally feel like we can officially say I am definitely and completely in love with PAG. It's just baby love, new, silly, and sweet. But the more that I let myself say it out loud and acknowledge that its more then just infatuation, the more I realize how true it is. And the sadder it makes me to be away from him.

xoxo

HL

Hello My Name Is: Crazy Town

So someone has been super psychotic lately and that someone might be me.

Ok, I DO have some serious stress in my life with trying to make future plans in case my mom has to get treated again in the fall...or if I want to come back in the winter...or what is going on with the boy. But instead of thinking rationally and calmly like normal me would do, I'm all anxious and depressed about everything. Its like...a serious problem. I haven't been wanting to do anything lately which is always the sign for me that a serious depression dip is looming. Therefore I think we can safely say my birth control pills are the cause of the crazy.

While in B-town I got off of them because of the hassle of being abroad and I figured I wasn't going to have sex (hahahahaha) and the over analyzing voices in my head slowly stopped running me around in circles and keeping me up at night thinking. I was calm, collected, fun, not dramatic, and NORMAL. Now I've been back on them and feel like a nut muffin again.

Now to figure out if I should pay American prices and figure things out here which is equally a hassle dealing with insurance, or venture back to the Slovak doctors who hardly speak English and put me on the same pill I told them makes me crazy (and that I wanted to try another one), but with a different name.

Examples of crazy from the past who is rearing her head now:
-over analyzing EVERYTHING with PAG to the point that I am not enjoying our time together. I cant just accept things as they are. I want to know everything thats going to happen and emotionally I am up and then down depending on if and what I heard from him that day. Um, not the normal me to say the least. And being off the pill for a handful of days and I already feel better.

-my mind SWIRLS at the thought of moving back here full of stress about a job, car, apartment, family, boy, anything and everything is a huge anxiety mess!

-As I said earlier, loss of interest in things I normally would like to do. I just want to sit around un showered in my bed watching tv all day. Not normal. Sometimes everyone likes to do that, but not normally everyday...

So crazy town needs to get herself figured out. I have dealt with depression and anxiety all of my life and keeping it in balance is KEY.

Stop.

Hey gentleman, can we stop falling in love with me please?
And can the one I actually want let himself fall?

The other day Africa and Z both were trying to FB chat with me at the same time...Africa's started with "Hey Gorgeous"...and then just now some random guy in Vegas who I made it very clear to that I was trying to work out things with PAG, added and messaged me on FB. Random guy in Vegas REALLY liked me, but I just kept trying to give him the brush off without being too mean.

I just can't get these men to stop falling for me.

And the one I DO want I can tell is still hesitant to get involved with me as I am leaving again...

Although we do finally have plans for tonight, and we skyped for 2 hours last night- but I havent seen him in 10 days. Ridiculous.

Tummy.

OMG after our weekend in Vegas of endless booze and carbs I gained...wait for it...6.5 POUNDS!!! I didn't even know it was possible to gain 6.5 pounds in 3 days! Of course some of it is water weight from my alcoholic tendencies this weekend, but otherwise DAMN GINA I need to cut out the carbs again. 

I'm seriously in SHOCK. 

Oh and yes, Vegas was a blast. Complete with me polishing off an entire bottle of Bombay Sapphire over the course of the trip, walking around laughing at people until we couldn't feel our feet anymore, dancing the night away, and having our bus pick us up 3.5 hours late and then sitting in traffic the entire time so we didn't get home until 3:30a...but we didn't care because there was free booze. All in all, a good weekend. And all in all, tomorrow I may even start adding actual EXERCISE to my regime to rid myself of these pesky extra pounds. 

Things with PAG are still a little up in the air...he skyped me late after the intense convo we had just to say good night and bye for the weekend which made me feel better. I texted him nice things over the weekend and he only kind of responded, but we were just texting now like normal...so we'll see. I wanted to ask what he was doing tonight, but am so tired of asking and just want him to figure his shit out and be with me. Arg.

xoxo

HL

Serious.

PAG asked me today when my fun Vegas weekend with Annie came up,
"Do you ever think we're in different life stages?" (further explanation was requested) "Like, how you're so excited to go to Vegas with Annie this weekend...and I would have been...like 5 years ago..."

Which led us into a conversation about how, actually, we're in the exact same life stage. I was too scared to tell him "UH, aren't you trying to find someone to be serious with, marry, buy a house, and have babies with?! Because OBVIOUSLY so am I!". Instead I decided it was a good time to go into the speech I've been preparing for a few days about how much I like him, how despite what he may think I am not some crazy party girl and that I actually do want something serious, how sorry I was for my behavior in April that led him to ending things, etc. We talked a lot. It wasn't something I wanted to discuss over video chat...I was hoping to get into it while we were snuggling in bed or something...but the time was then.

I really have been thinking about my life lately. How I do want to put roots down somewhere. How ready I am for something serious. Romance. Marriage. House buying. Babies eventually. The whole deal. And how fucking around in Europe is fun, but not fulfilling. And not getting me any closer to the things I actually want. (and PS I feel too old for my crazy behavior there anyway)

I am annoyed by his lack of making time for me though. Tonight he's going to meet friends for a bi-weekly get together, which is super cute and fine, but I am going out of town for 3 days, have hardly seen him all week, and he cant make sure he's done by 9 to spend some time with me?

I am starting to feel like I am chasing after him, which is rather draining and not appropriate. But maybe I need to look at it differently. I kind of fucked up...so I am laying it all on the line now...if he wants me, he wants me. Otherwise I need to start convincing myself that it's going to be ok and that there ARE other amazing people like him out there who DO want me.

xoxo

HL

Well, It Was About Time...

Monday night when PAG still hadn't made plans to spend time with me and I had hardly heard from him, someone may have freaked out, sat in bed and journaled and cried, drank, then texted Annie "why doesn't he love me?". To which she replied...how about you come hang out with me...so she sat there while I bitched about WHY he is being such a jerk face. I'm not sure what the world would do without the Annie's. 

Tuesday I had reasoned we were done, I decided not to be depressed and took myself to the library (which is full of weird people, btw), when all of a sudden...PAG is trying to gchat video with me?! 

Cue surprise and confusion.

Basically he was being all cute and flirty and sweet, "just wanted to see my face", wanted to make sure Im not hanging out with other boys, and apologized for being so busy this last week. 

He asked if I was free later and said he would try and see me then if he could. 

Talk about being confused. And freaked out since the "I'm too busy for you" conversation spread out over a YEAR with the EX left some serious scars. 

However, around 9p he calls to see what I'm up to because he's in the area and wanted to stop by and say hello. I was at Annie's (wasn't going to wait around for his ass) and told him to come by since she just lives down the block and was going to bed anyway. Cute car make out--high school style--some catching up, then I was in tow to his house for another night of kissing and cuddling. I wanted to talk to him about some serious things...but we were both tired and...kind of busy...so it will have to wait I guess.

PS Annie gave me some sound advice in regards to me and PAG. Because...since I actually like him...and since he actually likes me...we tend to get a little crazy. 

"I just feel like you both need to calm down, you need to not tell him about any other men and he needs to not go MIA all the damn time". 

Sound advice, Annie, sound advice. 

A Dream.

What is it about that person. Every time you are with them things go fuzzy around the edges, no one else exists, and it feels like your chest is going to explode from happiness for no apparent reason. Is it even real? I am beginning to feel like last Monday with PAG was a dream. That our entire epic few week winter romance and post long distance late night conversations weren't even real at all. Sometimes I have to read old posts on here to even believe that everything happened in real life. 

The up's and down's of actually letting yourself care about someone is exhausting (hello and welcome to my life), but damn is it worth it. Since I am learning that real love is much deeper and takes longer to build then the dreamy fuzzy feelings I typically attribute to being in love, lets just say that passion and romance. And exploding hearts. And kisses in the rain. And waking up with someones arms around you kissing the back of your neck. And melting when he looks at you and tells you you're beautiful. And that smile when he texts you that he misses you. 

Are Worth It. 

Work.

Make time for me?

Finally I texted PAG Friday evening with a,

"So are you just swamped with work or do you not want to see me again?"

His response was immediate and verified he's been super busy all week and that hes sorry, he's been used to the single life. We discussed the weekend since I was hoping he would have time then, but he's going to a lecture in LA all weekend and promised to make it up to me next week. Not sure how to proceed on this one, he's always been super busy even when I was here before and when we were long distancing while I was in Europe. Now, I'm in town after being gone for 6 MONTHS and he couldn't even spare more then one night for me in a week? And do I really want to mess with someone who doesn't know how to manage their stress and time?

However. Let's not get all cra cra just yet. Just because I came into town doesn't mean he can stop his life for me again, and would it even be wise to do that? It would be all intense again and I would leave and then what. Maybe it's better to spread things out a bit anyway. Plus, I know hes right about being used to being single. He's an introverted 30 year old whose been very single and working his ass off in physics for how many years?

So this got me thinking.

Where is the balance between being an awesome single person who works hard, plays hard, travels, enjoys life- and doesn't need a significant other to do it- BUT fills their schedule so full that when a great person does come along...they don't have time for them. They work long hours, have activities everyday after work, and their weekends are booked with fun or work things way in advance. The contrary is those sad single people who just work and come home, watch tv, eat a lean cuisine...maybe have some friend plans on the weekend or just clean their flat...basically Liz Lemon. So where is the balance?

PAG is not the only guy I know in this situation. We all know I have dated other men who were "too busy" for valid reasons to spend as much time with me as I felt appropriate. Men who worked long hours, had serious gym schedules, were studying for the GMAT, were finishing their PhD, preparing to run a marathon, fill in the blank here. And I have guy friends who tried to date women who were leading the same kind of lives and they tried to pursue them but booking 2 weeks ahead of time wasn't very appealing. Where could anything go if they didn't even have time to date?

I suppose we all know the answer. Fill your schedule as much as you want with the things you love. When the right person comes along, you're supposed to MAKE time for them. But I just don't know how to proceed when these boys tell me they really really like me, but that they are just busy for now and to give them a break and they promise to make it up to me...

With that being said, dating sucks. I'm so over it.

No Ones Surprised.

Ok, it's not like PAG is ignoring me per say...he responds to my little texts and emails nicely and timely.

It's just that I haven't received anything from him first, and NOTHING from him regarding weekend plans. I knew Monday night was tough for him because of work, so I assumed the lack of plans with me for the rest of the week was because of this. But now that it's Friday, and still NOTHING, I am starting to be sad again.

I don't know why I expected more from him, it's almost mean of me to try and expect something from him when I am leaving again. But the way he acted on Monday convinced me he was seriously interested again. I didn't initiate anything except "catching up over dinner", everything else was in his court, and everything else included sweet sensual time together.

So I am a bit sad. Preoccupied. And anxious.

Plus, it seriously makes me reconsider staying in Slovakia for more then the next few months. Why would I stay somewhere where I can't really put roots down? My heart is ready to be serious with someone (even if its not PAG), start working up on a long term career somewhere, save money and settle a little more...instead I am running back to a place where I have one actual bestie who is also just floating from thing to thing like an unsatisfied 19 year old trying to "find themselves", a partying lifestyle which is rather fun but not at all useful, and a job that is insecure and stressful. All while trying to navigate men who are there even more temporarily then I am. I guess turning 26 in the fall and having nothing to show for it also has me thinking. Arg.

What Is This Feeling?

"What is this feeling? So sudden...and new?" -Wicked


I know some of you have been left wondering how dinner with PAG went the other night...
I was SO nervous going into it, I didn't even know if I was going to be able to eat because my stomach was so anxious. But as soon as we saw each other...it was easy. We had an amazing dinner catching up and 3rd question in from him is "So do you have a boyfriend back there now?" to which I honestly told him I'd been dating but couldn't find anything serious because everyone was there temporarily and it was difficult. He told me he'd been dating too, but nothing serious also. After a perfect dinner he asked if I wanted to see a movie too, so he looked up the movie times and we laughed our asses off watching Horrible Bosses and snuggling. He held my hand...and then kissed me a few times. And it was extra cute because it was where we had our first date...then we kissed outside by my car which was where we had our first kiss in the rain so many months ago. So precious you want to throw up, I know.

He asked what else I had to do that evening or morning...I said nothing...want to come over and wish me good night? And away we went...into a night of more perfection. Still no sex, because we actually like each other, hehe...but snuggling and some quality messing around may have been involved into the wee hours of the morning. You get ONE intimate detail about this one,
"I missed your kisses"
was said to me quite a few times, and every time made me swoon. Other precious things were said too, but they are all secrets I get to keep for now.

In the morning he let me sleep while he got ready for work then woke me up with kisses and snuggles because his guest house isn't situated so I can leave easily without him. On the way out he kissed me more and more and saw my flat tires and said "I'll fix those for you"...so everything was lovely. Really lovely.

Yesterday I got a morning text "Thanks, sorry for the early wake up". And later when I texted him how his day was going, I didn't get a response until hours later and all it said was "good n tired lol". I know he's extremely busy with work right now, I could tell he was a bit stressed out and I kept him awake so he got very little sleep, but I guess I was hoping for more then that. In the past he was VERY attentive and sweet, and now he's just being more distant all of a sudden. Which only confuses me because during our actual evening together, neither of us were distant.

So we have no more plans yet to see each other. We didn't talk about anything serious during the course of the evening. And needless to say, I'm all stressed out about it.

This feeling is so unfamiliar though! These past months with all of my Euro lovers I didn't care if they called or not...I mean, I did but I didn't stress about it. It was more of a "They better call or they can kiss my ass" attitude (I know, such girl power) and now I'm all anxious and stressed out over this one. What is this feeling? So sudden...and new? I think I might ACTUALLY like this one.

FAIL Lady. First step with boys is to not care and not get anxious about it. Boo me.

Friends.

WHY do we have to have these amazing men in our lives that will never, for one reason or another, work out as a dating relationship? WHY do they even exist besides to frustrate the hell out of me.

Take Z for example. One of my favorite friends I've made in Bratislava. I am extremely attracted to him, we always have these amazing conversations, the first person there I have things in common with, the list goes on. But of course, he's also kind of a crazy person, annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and hits on me every time hes drunk but swears when he's sober he doesn't want anything with me. Cue me having to veto every time he makes a move on me, which isn't always easy when I'm attracted to him too. Fun times.

Then there's Africa. Also one of the sweetest guys ever, so smart and well educated, attractive, sensitive, attentive, loving...but his priorities are all about improving himself and women are kind of on the back burner during this time of his life. Plus, he's trying to apply to jobs that will let him live other places long term- I can't get seriously involved with someone like that so we just stay friends...annnnnd sometimes hook up before I leave for San Diego for like 2 months.

Finally -insert here- the many amazing men that I meet who are either living in Bratislava temporarily or live in San Diego and I am the temporary one. Everything will be there...attraction, things in common, chemistry, you name it...but we can't even attempt anything because one of us is leaving all too soon and we like each other too much to just hook up. Times like these I want to punch timing in the face and almost wish I had never even met these gentleman.

I suppose it part of the age we live in. All of us are in our mid to late twenties trying to start careers, "find ourselves", and focus on getting our own shit together while also trying to meet someone else and have something worthwhile to give them. Everyone is moving around trying to figure things out...it just makes it hard to find anything substantial.

With all of that being said, I have official dinner plans with PAG this evening and am already freaking out. I know its going to be wonderful and perfect which is probably why I am freaking out to begin with. What do I do with this fantastic person sitting across from me?

Wish me luck.

xoxo

Harper Lane.

PS I'm Ridiculous.

Whether it's because I like to hurt myself...I am lonely...I genuinely still care...or am just curious.

I wrote PAG to tell him I am coming into town and would love to meet and catch up.

I may have also added in a "Plus, I still think about you."

So yeah...I ignored the shitty way he ended things with me and how I haven't heard from him since and how I am only in town a few weeks before moving back here for another year.

But I couldn't help it! I knew I had nothing to lose and that I do still think and care about him, so it seemed silly to come into town and do nothing. Can't we just stay friends so when we ARE finally in the same part of the world long enough, we can fall in love?

I guess heading home has me thinking.

It's odd to be the happiest I have ever been in my little European city, with my new lovely friends from all over the world, working my dream job...but to not feel totally settled. Still haven't had a real boyfriend for more then a few weeks...we can't really call the Number 2 shenanigan a relationship as much as it was just "fucked up". So sue me if I miss the one man I felt settled with. The one I saw an actual future with. The one I know would have worked out happily ever after if I hadn't moved here.

HENCE Plan B. Stay in contact until we can merge our separate happy lives in the same location.

Easier said then done. Let's see if he even replies.

Ugh, I am the worst.

Decisions, Decisions.

Think I could handle a little more of this?

Big news. My little school here in Slovakia offered to move me up to teaching 5th grade next year instead of Pre-K! My director said some really flattering things about me- like how great of a teacher I am and how I am kind of being "wasted" in Pre-K since it isn't even really technically a grade level. Pre-K is lovely, but it IS a lot of babysitting in the afternoons and a lot of exhausting "work" which really just involves giving 14 children A LOT of attention all day, and very little teaching. My co-workers think its a really good move for me so I don't get "stuck" in kinder and don't ever get to move up to real grade levels. Teaching a another grade level would look really good on my CV and I have taught 5th grade before and LOVED it.

Unfortunately, it means they want me to commit for an entire other year. Yeah, until NEXT June. Which makes sense for the kids. And for my CV. And everything else.

But still...

Immediately I thought of PAG and how this means we really won't get to reconnect...even though I've never heard from him again...but still (oh, I am crazy town). And if not PAG, someone else from home I could actually have a real relationship and a future with. I thought about how I am turning 26 in October. I am getting old. And alone. And the vision of me being one of those "I'm 30 and single and fabulous! But really I am lonely and sleep with people I don't love and it sucks" women. So needless to say, I freaked out.

But then everyone keeps reminding me 25/26 is young. I meet lovely people here all the time and whose to say I can't have something with someone international? I have always been pretty "Euro" anyway. Plus, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time, why would I go home and live with my parents and work at Starbucks in our crappy economy? More time to pay off my debt, save some money, and travel.

Plus, roomie reminded me that under Slovak law I can give a 2-3 months notice and still leave mid year if I want to with no repercussions. Although it would seriously effect my CV and letter of recommendation, but at least I have the option.

Another issue is the lack of language arts and history curriculum. And by "lack"" I mean there isn't any.  I don't even think they ordered any for next year. I have 6 months of Pre-K curriculum done and was planning on finishing the first 3 months over the summer so next year was going to be a breeze. I am looking to order some different ones for 5th grade, but it's expensive and a lot of work.

So we'll see what happens. They want to know my decision about the entire year by Monday. So I think I will say yes and give my notice if I need too.

Meanwhile, Africa has been weird all week. Playing the disappearing act then randomly showing up Friday before his work like nothing had happened...then disappearing again all weekend. I was kind of upset that it appeared things were ending, and now I am just annoyed.

Good weekend drinking a lot at Primi on Friday night with friends...except everyone else got WASTED and I had to take roomie home early, we had a new friend sleep on our couch, and no one knows how our other friend even got home. So you know, the usual.

xoxo

HL

The Ex Factor

It's no surprise for some of you that I have seriously been thinking about my two ex loves lately. Not so much the randoms I've dated, just Number 2 and PAG. I think I am missing the closeness, friendship, and love we had between us. How easy it was to talk about anything or nothing. How comfortable I felt around them and in myself. How I felt like they were a part of me and how strange it is to be without them now. I think I miss them. And I don't know why all of a sudden, I have been FINE and then just these last 2 weeks I'm nostalgic.

And secretly scared I'm never going to find it again. I mean...its so special. How often is that kind of attraction and deep connection going to come around? Charlotte says you only get 2 great loves in your life, have I already experienced mine? Well, I guess we could say I've had 3 since I had a high school sweet heart too. So SERIOUSLY, three is A LOT. I feel so lucky. How could I be so lucky to have it again?

Cue the "your going to die alone" speech that rolls around in my head from time to time...ugh.

A Girl Could Get Used To This.

Dancing in a sudden summer rain storm in a medieval castle? check. 

Yesterday afternoon Africa came by with a bunch of food and cooked for me, brought me fruit, translated my vitamin instructions for me, brought me cake, and then gave me amazing foot massages while we watched a movie with the roomie. YEAH I KNOW, someone isn't used to this kind of treatment and someone didn't even know how to respond. Then after he had to work but came back later to sleep with me (and make some sweet sweet loving obvi) even though he could have gotten sick. We were up chatting and laughing until the wee hours, he doesn't get off until 2am, so after we slept the morning away and had breakfast in bed he agreed to escort me up to Bratislava castle. I've lived here almost 5 months and still haven't been to the main tourist attraction.

First we went into the old city to a nice place and he bought me lunch and told me crazy Africa stories about tape worms...yeah, apparently it was quite common...then we walked hand in hand around windy cobble stone streets up up up to the castle that towers over the city. He knew the way and was my little guide. We took ancient stairs, peeked into tiny worn out churches, strolled along colored little houses, and then around the castle grounds. We sat on the bench awhile in the shade relaxing and laughing when the weather suddenly went from a balmy 77 to cloudy and cool...then it was sprinkling...then raining...then HAILING. First of all, little socal girl isn't used to HAIL in the middle of May, but ok I am getting used to weird weather. But, hiding from the rain for 20 minutes in a medieval castle overlooking the city isn't a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Afterwards we walked back down and to his restaurant for his next shift, I sat at the bar drinking fancy water and trying to get the energy back to walk the rest of the way home and we just chatted and...
it was just a really nice day. 


So why was I still thinking about PAG sometimes? And thinking about the way PAG would look at me like I was the most amazing and beautiful girl in the entire world. No one has ever looked at me the way he did. Is that something thats supposed to be instant or can just come with time? Do I even want it to with Africa? Why can't I just calm the fuck down and enjoy whatever it is we have between us right now and forget about PAG, since clearly he has forgotten about me. Maybe I am not ready for this. But I FEEL ready for this. Something is wrong with me.

So yeah...crazy is comin' round again...

xoxo

HL

Lack of Sparkle.

I've been DYING to write all week, and even now I am staying up later then I should to update, but its been such a busy week and I've been extra tired...so here we are days later with my head ready to explode with thoughts needing to be put on "paper".

Africa ended up spending the evening with me on Tuesday, we watched the hockey game on TV with the roomie and again he brought me all these little food gifts and gave me massages, its so cute. He was so tender and cuddly with me on the couch, it was so relaxing and nice. In the morning we went to have some sweet morning sex when he stopped and said..."Are you ok? Did I hurt you? Because there is blood everywhere..." I was supposed to get my period soon so I assumed it was that and just played it off like it wasn't a big deal and changed the sheets and tried not to be embarrassed...but my white sheets and duvet are ruined. He didn't seem to care, and even when I said "Oh wow, this has never happened before, Im sorry, I'm so embarrassed!" he said "Why? Don't be embarrassed, It's not a big deal" And after I changed the sheets he just got back snuggled into bed and I went to work. I came home and the gross sheets I'd piled on the floor were neatly folded in the corner, all of our trash was taken out, and my bed was made. It was precious. Thats when I remembered he was from AFRICA, a little blood? Are you kidding?

Add that little adventure to the vault.

On Friday night I went out with friends and after his shift finished at 2am he met up with my friends and I at Primi. We were all already tired and ready to go home so he just took me home and unveiled MORE treats he always brings me, and we snuggled in. Saturday we stayed in bed practically the ENTIRE day. It was SO nice. Slept in until like 1...he made me lunch...then we got back into bed and read/went on the computer and talked and it was pretty lovely. He had to go to work around 6p and I had to meet up with friends so we got ready together and then separated, but he asked me to visit him at work later so I did.

Ok, so things sound so wonderful and he's SO sweet and I really enjoy spending time with him but there is this weird lack of...sparkle. You know, that sparkle you get when you are first getting to know and fall for someone? I had it almost immediately with Number 2 and PAG, but either don't feel it with Africa or every time it starts to come I get rid of it because I know this isn't going to work out and I am afraid of getting hurt again. I am not sure which it is or what I want to do about it. I am going to try and spend more time with him, because I like it and he's sweet. We'll see what happens. Honestly, I think I am also really still holding onto things with PAG. I am afraid to get serious with Africa when I really still miss PAG and actually did see a future there.

And I may have just wrote him an email...

I'm the worst.

Seriously, the WORST.

More to come...

xoxo

HL

Alone.

Roomie is having a serious blossoming relationship with one of our friends here, and its so precious and sweet to watch and encourage but alas, I find it is really leaving me with a sense of "Yeah, you are alone". Before, I would see couples together and just miss PAG- I was really sad when I first moved here, but had gotten used to it and just got used to always missing him but knowing we would be together soon. But now...I am really alone. And these little hook ups and guys who are interested in me are really just band aids for a heart that really just wants something more serious.

I never want to admit that I want something serious, I always try to act casual and like I don't care...which is true for guys your just chatting with at the bar. But when I am really honost with myself, I like having someone to come home to, talk with when we go out, dance with, and kiss you and tell you your beautiful on a regular basis. I like having a partner in crime. And I don't think I've ever really gotten to have it...besides PAG for the few weeks before I left. We all know Number 2 was never around for more then just to talk to 5x a day.

Africa messaged me Friday morning and acted like we'd see each other this weekend, but I haven't heard from him and its now 2am Sunday. I might still hear from him within the next few days, he lost his phone the night we met, had final exams this week, and works until 2am on the weekends...but no one would be surprised if he just disappeared. But it's still a bummer since he helped me to not be so sad.

I think also because I felt like my roomie and I were just having a blast being together and taking on the city...but now she has a boyfriend of sorts and I am the third wheel. We've been having such a fun girly time, but now she has him snuggling with her in bed every night and I am alone.

I've been missing home a bit more lately too...but at the same time my brain keeps randomly saying to myself "OH MAN! I love my life here!" so I guess thats a good sign at least.

Alright, time to sleep it off...

xoxo

HL

Back in Black.

Danced on the tables until they closed at 5:30a.

Managed to make out with a pretty black man before leaving. Too bad he couldn't find his coat and roomie saw him kissing another girl right before we left, so he was purposefully left behind.

Got a kebab on the walk home while the sun was coming up.

I find myself looking for the black guys wherever we are. There aren't very many, and they aren't always especially good looking...but for the most part we tend to find each other. Brown girl with an ass and the only one for MILES who actually knows how to shake it...tends to draw them like flies to honey.
And I am happy to oblige.

Although I am still finding myself sad missing PAG, this girl is back my friends. Back in black.

xoxo

HL

Welp, Had A One Night Stand...

Yeah, cue the OMG.

But it happened. And to ME?! And it was SO FUN!!!!

So...

Friday night we were at our usual place, Primi, which is this really upscale nice bar that has DJ's so people also dance and its kind of like a mini club. It's my favorite place because the people are pretty and the bar tenders know us and take really good care of us. Anyway, there has been this BEAUTIFUL tall black man whose come in a few times...seriously, we see him and all stop talking and watch him walk by every time we've seen him. My friend tried to hit on him without success last weekend, but Friday night he also had a delicious looking friend with him, London. London is beautiful and brown with these really pretty tattoos on his arms, and a British accent to die for. His family is from Portugal and Angola (Africa) so yeah...gorgeous. Beautiful black man finally noticed that we've all been staring at him and London all night and I could tell he was talking to his friends about us so I asked,
"Are you talking about us?"
"I was just saying that, you girls are always looking at us"
"well yeah...we like you"

Someone was maybe making some proper booty drops and dancing all sexy with her girl friends...which is pretty much my standard at Primi, but this particular night London was apparently watching. So he started chatting with me, bought me a drink, they left to the Cuban club across the street but he made me promise I would stay...and sure enough they came back. At one point Beautiful black man put my hand down his pants so I got to feel his junk...it was super random and HILARIOUS. I actually thought that was going to be the highlight of my evening, but things just kept getting better! London and I kept flirting and I think the turning point was when he started smoking (you can smoke inside everywhere here, it sucks) and I said
"Ohhhhh you smoke? Well now your gonna taste all smokey"
Which I actually didn't mean in a flirtatious way, looking back. I was just gonna talk with him about if other girls have complained, just making conversation...but he was splendid and said
"No I don't, try me" and kissed me. Then again. And again.

And then we went to another favorite club of mine.
Got another drink.
Made out some more.

Then it was time to go home.

He was staying in a private room in a hostel literally down the street from my flat. I invited him to my place, but he wanted to go to his so we did. Now, at this point I wasn't so set on sleeping with him. I would have been ok with just making out and messing around, but we were just having so much fun together. We got along really well and he was so sweet...and hot.

So we were making out and messing around and then naked time, and then he was putting a condom on and I was oddly fine with it. I kept waiting for myself to freak out and leave or something, but I was having a blast and just kept going with it. He was really good, I have to say, we went for a long time...after I wore him out (his words, not mine. And not the first time I've gotten them;) we took a break for some falafel and pizza down the street, came back and had some more sex. After the first time he said to me,
"I really want to make love to you, but these beds are terrible...lets put all the mattresses on the floor" So we made a giant bed on the floor out of the mattresses in the empty beds in the room and it was so fun! Then he told me all these crazy stories about his life and we talked and talked until the sun was coming up. It wasn't ever awkward. We both wanted to have sex again but ran out of condoms so we just messed around and then finally feel asleep all snuggled up.

My friends had been texting me all night making sure I was ok...they know me and know I've never done this and have said I never wanted to do this, but were so happy for me because I think I really needed it. They knew where I was the entire time and around 8a my roomie called because she woke up and I wasn't home. After that I couldn't fall back asleep so I just enjoyed snuggling for a bit before putting my clothes on and peacing...while I was getting dressed I hear his hot accent,
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I just live down the street. And I'm so thirsty."

I could have added that I wanted my own bed, but instead I just kissed him and touched his face before sneaking out. I guess I could have stayed and we could have gotten more condoms and had more sex...but I was pretty sore from the evening and probably couldn't have had more sex anyway (sometimes I think there is something wrong with me). My guy friend here said unless he is rude and overt about wanting her to leave with a one night stand girl, he would like them to stay. Snuggle. watch movies and chat in bed, etc. But I hadn't really slept all night and we had spa plans at 2, and I've never really done this before so...I left and was perfectly ok with it.

So that was my fantastic one night stand my friends. There was no exchange of numbers, I will never see him again because he is only here for the weekend, and I really love the freedom in that! Later a part of me wished I had at least exchanged numbers in case he wanted to hang out while I'm in London, which he mentioned wanting to do...but eh. I also didn't want to ruin a perfectly good fling.

Analyzation:
I didn't go home with him because I was sad about PAG or even thinking about PAG. I actually have men give me the eye and hit on me almost every weekend, but I just ignored them because I had a boyfriend and/or a vibe and didn't want that. But Friday night I didn't have a boyfriend. Haven't had sex in almost a year. And there was actually some chemistry with a beautiful brown boy here...which never happens. Now, I don't think I am going to make this a regular occurrence or anything but when I woke up in the morning, contrary to popular belief, I did NOT feel bad about anything. I didn't feel guilty, I was just happy and felt sexually relieved for sure. I kept expecting this guilty feeling to come as the days have passed, but so far nothing...I only regret maybe not staying longer and snuggling more and hanging out with him because we had fun together, but I am also ok with the option I chose- sleep.

Although I don't feel guilty or anything, I will acknowledge that it was different then being intimate with someone you love and care about- even with PAG even though we weren't "technically" having sex. Part of me missed the sweetness, the "your so beautiful" comments, the stroking of the hair, etc. But at the same time, it was ok. It was what it was- FUN (And safe!). And it would have been weird to have all that with someone I just met, plus he was still sweet in his own way.

I promise that getting naked with someone and doing the "everything but sex" routine is pretty much exactly the same thing as actually having sex with someone...it's just more satisfying in the end. This is not to say making a man your serious about wait for it isn't worth it. Or that sex can't be built up to mean something more with a person you care about. And intimately it is sweeter when its with someone you love. But I can promise that all those conservative friends of yours who somehow think its less intimate to do everything BUT sex are dead WRONG. I was wrong, I see this now. If you don't want to be intimate with someone sexually, then don't take any clothes off. Done and done.

I was kind of hoping to wake up and feel less sad about losing and missing PAG. While I was definitely in a better mood overall, and still am, the hurt and sadness I feel about PAG is still there. It didn't go away. So now I know that any amount of sex with someone who is not the one you love-won't make the hurt go away. Maybe for a little while, but it's still there when you wake up.

So there it is. If you think I'm a skank now in B town- I really don't care. I had such a fun time and was as safe as anyone could be and am so stoked on life! My roomie and I keep saying, "I love our lives!" and its just so true.

So this post is for you London.
Wherever you are, stay there. You were perfect.