It's All Happening.

Holy Crap.

It's September.

I turn into a mommy and pre-wife in 3 short months.

THREE MONTHS to buy all of our kitchen stuff...organize my shit in the garage...lose 30lbs...find an apartment...get a new car...prepare to be MUMMIFIED (yeah thats right- that just happened).

Perhaps not surprisingly I find myself flip flopping from being SO EXCITED to freaking out every other day. There's been more then one whine to boyfriend,

but I'm just afraid somethings going to happen and we are going to be stressed out and you're going to leave meeeeee

All said very fast and high pitched. To which he replies something to the tune of:

quit being crazy. I love you- ya nut. 

I think boyfriends should consider just recording this and replaying it for us every time we hit our crazy button again.

Nothing between us has gotten any less lovely, I think our long time a part just has me worrying if it will translate to when we are actually together again. Which is understandable. I was the same way before we saw each other in June but I remember being with him and our little buddy and could not remember EVER being that happy ever in my life. And it just lasted for days and days. The entire time we kept looking at each other and saying, "BABY- WE GET TO DO THIS FOREVER?!" Fast forward to us wisely choosing to live with each other once he's here...but now that we've been a part for 3 months...and have only 3 more months to go, of course the doubts on occasion are settling in. But whats worse is imagining us trying to manage the move and our lives and not be living together. After being a part for so long I can't imagine not waking up with him everyday, we've been starved of any physical affection for A YEAR. I somehow don't think I'll mind being flooded with it all at once...of course it'll be an adjustment, but a good one.

However, as much as I am dying for him to be here- I am trying to appreciate the last of my single lady status too. Enjoying getting ready in the morning quietly and with no one groping me the entire time (which although fun and hilarious, while trying to get out the door for work? Maybe not always), being able to do whatever I want to after work and on weekends and don't have to consult with anyone about it or arrange for child care, spending extra money on myself and not household or baby needs, etc.

Learning so many lessons about appreciating where I am in life at the present moments.

God has me at this job, living with my parents, waiting for my love...all for a reason.

Time to dig in and engage in everything happening around me instead of waiting for this magical time when my love will be here, we'll have our own place, some job thats not stressful and I love all at the same time! These things will all happen eventually, but I need to work on being happy where I am now. 

Gosh it's just so tough sometimes.

xoxo

HL

Why Hello Ms. Migraine.

I am not one to get migraines. In fact, if we are being honest I hide my female friends on Facebook who are always posting about having them. Not that I doubt they get them, but why are you constantly posting on Facebook about it? So now other peoples migraines tend to annoy me? This is getting weird.

Anyway, today upon waking after plenty of sleep I felt awful. Maybe it was because I haven't exercised for 2 days, or maybe it was the GIANT lobster lunch I had yesterday (it was amazing though, really)...either way my entire body hurt and I just couldn't snap out of this weird sleepy out of it feeling. To make a long story short, by about 12:30 despite my best efforts it came and conquered. To the point that I had to leave work and almost threw up crying all the way home. AWFUL.

This made me realize the truth behind it all:

Damn girl, you really are too stressed out. You need to calm the hell down. 

I can't pin point exactly what has been causing me to have such a hard time relaxing. But work has been really stressful and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, after telling my boss last week I was overwhelmed and almost cried in her office...this week I was somehow volunteered to take on another HUGE project management task?! Now not only is it more work I don't have time for, but it's more of the project management stuff instead of PRODUCT management which is more what I want to be doing (and was told I would be doing). Instead, I just feel like the development teams administrative assistant bitch just updating their work items, making spread sheets, planning meetings, BLEH. Product management is more creating products, talking to clients about what they want and turning it into documents and projects. Instead I am still having the projects handed to me and the developers, then end up just doing the admin for them while they are being worked on. My "to do" list is always super long and everything on it is important. So yes, work has been frustrating. Plus, SUPER BUSY AND CRAZY...which isn't always typical but for some reason just has been lately. I'm not the only one. We're all stressed out there right now. Hoping things will calm down soon...but soon is still nowhere to be found.

Ok but besides work, everything is fine? Of course being in a long distance relationship isn't easy and sometimes ends up being more draining trying to catch up with each other despite our schedules and the time change...but he fills my life with so much joy I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I don't know whats wrong exactly besides what I yelled crying home in the car today:

I just feel like work sucks up ALL of me and then I have nothing left for myself, friends, family, or anything!!! WAHHHHH.

So I have been exercising and relaxing in the evenings and weekends to try and offset my busy week days. Attempting to eat healthy most of the time. Take my vitamins. Etc. Somedays are better then others.

And no, unfortunately I can't blame hormones.

But speaking of hormones...Today I went for my yearly gyno and got started on the process of getting my IUD! WOOHOO! Found out some pretty awesome (and some not awesome) things about it including 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, good for up to 5 years, as soon as its removed you are fertile again, and after a few weeks or months of spotting you get maybe 2 periods a year with it!!! Plus my insurance will pay for a lot of it, plus if bf splits it with me then thats the cheapest 5 year birth control I've ever heard of!

However. Tipped the scales at the doctors today. Back up to 200lbs. HOLY CRAP HOW DID THAT HAPPEN. Now a little of that can be bloating and the ridiculous lobster lunch yesterday...but not much.

SO this weekend has been dedicated to...wait for it...

COOKING.

Yeah I know. Not very fun. BUT I just printed the August low fat/weight watchers menu from Once A Month Mom and did all of my shopping and veggie cutting last night and it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was actually kind of nice to do something I enjoy (shopping and cooking) without being tired, crabby, and starving after work (bonus! everything for almost an entire month only cost $120 BOOM!). However, today is the big cooking day so we'll see how that goes. As weird as this sounds I feel like I am preparing to be a mom this weekend. I found their menu for a month of toddler friendly foods and bookmarked it for when my boys get here, then got SUPER excited about their healthy kid friendly options (little Mac n Cheese cups! Home made french toast sticks! Corn dog cups! Come on, how can that not be SO cute). And I have to say, boyfriend lets me tell him all about it and I think just continues to fall more in love with me as I've opened my entire heart to not just him- but his mini me too.

And the more I think about it, the more I know God has been preparing me for this. For this man and this little bear. The girl who loves children and finds "raising" them effortless and enjoyable. Who wanted to adopt a bunch of babies. Not every girl would be able to jump into something like this...especially with all of the baby mam drama (which has been non existant lately btw, as we wait for her to get subpoenaed). And I am NOT perfect and struggle sometimes with different aspects of my life I am going to be giving up...but especially after spending a week with those two in June- it really is going to just be wonderful. Different. But wonderful.

In fact, you should probably be following my New House pin board here. IT'S AWESOME and most everything on there I AM going to get, so its not as much an inspiration board as it is a book mark of purchases to make board (hehe).

More to come later after the epic cooking day...boyfriend has made some interesting future life career choices known to me which has left me struggling to say the least.

Enjoy your Sunday.

xoxo

HL

She Works Hard For The Money.

WELL some stuff happened and you are now officially no longer hearing from an intern, but rather an Associate Product Manager!!! Who would have ever thought?!

I was thinking about how in the last year I've been a teacher, almost a nanny, an intern, and now this- crazy! Tomorrow I sign the final offer, we had to go back and forth a bit on the pay since they tried to screw me initially but its final now and we'll even send a blurb out to the entire company tomorrow too! I DID IT! I shmoozed my way into an internship (thanks to my brothers persistance and recommendation), worked my ass off for shit pay, and have gotten my promotion and pay raise! eeeee!!! The great thing is that I am already doing parts of that job already and just continuing to build onto it, I think in a year or so I wouldn't be an associate anymore even. It feels so good to work hard and be good at what I do again. Starting out has been intimidating since it was such a new world of words and phrases, tech lingo, databases? business requirement documents? partner calls? OH MAN. And now I am fully engaged and involved in everything. For the most part I understand what everyone is talking about and am finally able to speak up in meetings, ask appropriate questions, direct conversations, etc. I am far from perfect and am continuing to develop my "business woman" skills- but we're getting there!

A world away from teaching. I miss the babies sometimes...but I think mostly I just miss teaching and presenting. Which I will be doing a lot of with this job soon too, so I think it'll be fine. And I do miss the kids and crafts and fun every once in awhile- but am excited to do that with my own babies (and boyfrends lil guy) in the very near future. I have to say having job security, being more mentally challenged, working with adults, having more time and energy, more pay, etc...are outweighing any of the things I sometimes miss about teaching. The lack of vacation time has been hard to adjust to though, BUT the vacations when I do take them are real vacations...and not "2 weeks off- but most of it is just getting over being sick and working from home anyway because theres tons to do and you have no money". Teachers barely get holidays. Boyfriend and I are already planning a Mexico trip once he gets here, some long weekend trips to Palm Springs, visit family, Vegas, etc. I'm so excited!!!

AND the best part is my stint of living at home again (and for the last time- thank God) is almost over! I am hoping for a Sept 1 move out date to give me some time to buy the few things I am still in need of before moving (like sheets for my bed...ahem), first months rent, deposit, savings, etc. AND THEN I will be starting to test drive cars and get ready to buy a new car too! A bit nervous about finding an awesome living situation. Its really important to me to live in a cool area where theres life and things to do within walking distance and such- plus a great room mate. I miss roomie in Bratislava and my downtown city life there sometimes. But then 5 nights per week I am busy with friends anyway...and real friends, not just acquaintances to party with- so I am much happier here I suppose.

...still having a hard time adjusting to missing boyfriend all the time. Life just feels...odd...without him here. And so it makes me angry when I see other couples loving life...and sad because I am always the off woman out. I know its only a few more months...but still. Going from being with the love of your life 24/7 to barely having time to talk on the phone is quite an adjustment. I am sick of the distance and just want it to be over. Less then 5 months...BLEH.

xoxo

HL

Days Like This...

Today was a bit of a strange day.

Work was good and I am getting the hang of my regular responsibilities, finding my niche, which was feeling great until one of my supervisors told us she was interviewing for the position I thought they were saving for me. I kind of freaked out...rightly so...I am only under a temporary crappy hourly contract right now, which I thought was supposed to mold me for this Product Management position they are now interviewing for. As a good adult I freaked out for 10min and then just went to talk about it with her. Apparently they were never "holding" the position for me, and are trying to convince the CEO that they need me for the things I am already doing and will be doing in relation to managing the three different development teams. They really do need me and want to show the CEO how awesome I am, but now my job security went out the window since I still need to prove my job is necessary and worth what I'd like to be paid. What I thought would be a few months of crappy pay, now seems like it might be quite a bit longer? Or is even just up in the air of ever turning into anything. I just want to be an adult with an adult job to pay my bills and not live at home, why is this so much to ask?!

Also.
Boyfriend and I normally talk a lot everyday...usually every morning while I'm going to work, sometimes we'll chat while I'm at work, and then again on the way home and/or before bed. Yeah, its a lot. But its so awesome! Yesterday and for the next few days our schedules are opposite so we only got to talk for like 10min today which is REALLY hard for us. It was 1/2 one of his more shining moment boyfriend conversations as he spent the evening making life plans for us- adorbs. But then things went down hill when he got into this...

Boyfriend: So I was calling to talk to Baby Cakes but he was asleep so I was just being nice and asked Baby Mama what she did over the weekend while my parents were watching the baby. She said she got drunk with her friends and then went to "Alex's House". So I knew where this was going and just decided to ask 'you fucked Alex didn't you?' And she said, "uh, maybe". I've never been so happy to hear about an ex hooking up with someone else before...

He continued to go on about being glad she's finally moving on and how happy he is to have me in his life, but after I hung up, I just couldn't shake this WEIRD conversation he's having with his ex who has been in love with him forever and how their dysfunctional relationship keeps rearing its ugly head. Am I the only one who finds this topic inappropriate? On both ends? After some previous issues and concerns he's been shutting down anything she tries to bring up about me and us, but then this happens and I wonder why is he still entertaining her shit all the time? If I was sitting next to him when they were talking would he be asking her and talking about all this personal stuff all the time? Doubtful. I'm frustrated because in my heart I know how much he loves me, how much disdain I can feel in his voice when he talks about her, and how a man would never give up a partying life and make serious future plans with a woman unless he loved her very much.

Seems silly to bring up small things when all of those good things are true.

But otherwise I'll just fester about it for days.

So I decided to start with, "So boyfriend, I feel weird about your recent conversation with Baby Mama and would like us/you to explore why". But I won't get to talk to him about it until tomorrow and am just stressing and over analyzing it until then so, yeah, fun times.

(OH PS that was another Awesome Girlfriend hint I've taught myself, this type of tactic seems to work really well in having men identify how they are fucking up instead of you having to nag/bitch about something. In the past all I've had to do is say something of this nature...and he knows immediately whats wrong or while trying to negotiate out of being in trouble will realize mid sentence he's wrong and/or is being ridiculous. We laugh at ourselves for our communication being so fantastic.)

I am now going to wine induce analyze why exactly I am stressing so much about this:

1. Ultimately afraid he's going to break up with me over my fussiness.

2. I feel like I am "too good" to have to deal with this. Not that I am more awesome then other women in general, but that as a woman I shouldn't have to put up with baby mama drama or have to deal with sharing him, and it frustrates me. Again with the, this isn't how it's supposed to be issue.

3. There is a part of me that's afraid they have a forever emotional connection and that I'm going to have to fight for him forever...which I refuse to do...so that leaves me back at #1.

4. How do you discuss how your man is talking to other women/exes without sounding like a controlling bitch and driving them away? (Back at #1 again)

Oh man, I am so fussy. I suppose to odd things in one day was a bit much.

xoxo

HL

Wanna Freak Out Your Boyfriend?

Wanna freak out your boyfriend? Then consistently bring up how scared you are about the future and/or how frustrating being long distance is (as applicable). Of course the first handful of times he'll comfort you as usual...but by about the 3rd time in a week he'll begin to get nervous and you'll feel like an asshole for making him as insecure as you. Voila! Freak out successful.

Now don't worry, I realized how ridiculous I was being, apologized and everything's fine now, but the future is always just so up in the air with us it stresses me out. We pray everyday he'll get posted in San Diego in October, otherwise what are we supposed to do then? Just keep loving each other in different places and never get the chance to spend enough time together to see if it's the real deal? End things and try and move on? The options are overwhelming. And we were already supposed to know where he'd be in the fall by now, so this "any day now" news leaves me nervous.

Its funny to hear the long distance friends encourage me with "you got this!" and all the rest look confused and bewildered at how much we love each other, how much we trust each other, and how we make it work so "easily". He just put in his time for leave at the beginning of June for his dads 70th birthday family celebration! He's insisting on buying my ticket and already has the entire trip planned (including driving routes) and saved for- it's pretty much the cutest thing ever. I have to remind myself, boys don't fly girls out to meet their ENTIRE family unless they are pretty dang serious.

There is this HUGE part of me thats nervous we're going to have to live together if he doesn't get posted here. Like...it'll be the only option and our families will kill us. And I know it's my adult decision and I can do whatever I want to...but I am such a compliant child it would be very hard for me to go against something my parents have been SO adamant about since I was young. Guess it'd be worth a few therapy sessions- ha.

New job is still going well, yay! Learning so much and getting paid Friday means I won't be so stressed out about expenses and bills all the time. Borrowing money from parents simply for gas to get to and from work for the week was a definite low point- glad this is over. And my hours vary from 24-32 right now as I am learning the projects/procedures but soon I will take them over full time like a real adult. However, I feel like after 1-2 months I'll already be doing beyond the intern level of work and am not sure how and when the transition to a real job will take place, I don't want to get screwed over...good thing my boss has my back. I find myself anxious to be done with the initial learning and actually have ownership for activities and projects however small.

Been thinking lately how growing up isn't nearly as lovely as I thought it'd be.

But I think we have a ways to go.

xoxo

HL

Working Girl.

Well friends, it finally happened. I am a working girl! Ok, not that kind of working girl- but I do have a real job and AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT! They only started me 3-4 days a week until I get the hang of things and they'll bump me up to full time, and THEN hopefully I'll get the big promotion from intern to a fancy title on salary and the whole deal. But until then I am enjoying being in the training environment, getting to know the company and my new co-workers, and getting a feel for what I'm going to be doing there in the short term and long term. 

Read if you want to know what I actually do: Basically I work for THE top company that puts those product recommendations based on your purchase/click/whatever history on the sides of major retail websites. I am in the "Product Management" department...which is like 3 of us...right now as an intern but should be able to be an associate product manager within the year (I hope). And we act as the in-between from what the client wants and what the software developers can and will do. So I am mostly with the software developers, but my department are the outgoing and extroverted ones since we have to do presentations, demos, meet with clients sometimes, etc. And I don't have to know the intricacies of the technology too much, but somewhat enough so I can lead and push projects, explain things to clients, understand lingo, etc. Someday I will be a big girl.

The people I work with are all really nice, except my current cube mate, which I find ironic, and while the developers are pretty nerdy on my floor and in my department, at least they aren't THAT nerdy and mean or awkward. Very easy going and friendly. Plus my boss in the product management department, mentor, and woman I work with very closely is AWESOME. She is slowly becoming my idol. 

Today I ate biscuits and gravy with sausage and a mimosa. And then chips and a margarita for dinner. Finally dessert was 2 gin n tonics. Haven't exercised in almost a week. Fail. BUT I was glad to spend time with friends today and barely even spent money! I forget how good for my soul all of my girls are. 

I can't WAIT to go shopping for new work/life clothes when I get a few paychecks under my belt. I've been wearing the same crap for years without a refresh, everyday I cringe having to pick something out. More incentive for healthy eating and exercise though! 

xoxo

HL

Part Time Blues.

image source.

Well my new boss called today to say "Yay! Your background check is done! But we're still trying to find you a desk and computer so you won't start until Monday. OH...and you are going to be part time. At least for the first few weeks."


Since I've already freaked out about the relatively crappy pay and then again about money recently looking at my account balance vs. my bills for the rest of the month...this didn't sit well with me. Luckily we both made it clear that it was short term thing, she understood my concern (ESPECIALLY since they had initially told me full time!), and said it would probably only be for about 3 weeks. Brother further explained to me that it kind of makes sense since the first few weeks are just going to be intensive training anyway. But I just turned down a nanny position for $20 cash per hour...so sneaking this in there after I took the job was a bit of a low blow. AND from the first lunch I ever had with my now boss to my start date on Monday will be a month. So I am frustrated. And genuinely stressed about money and how to afford all these bills...the wedding I'm in...gas...food...even the basics I can't really cover. It's so stressful.

I decided to continue my new exercise regime today to deal with the stress (what? not eat and drink your troubles away?! Blasphemy!) which is going well. I decided just to do things I like and can do in an hour or less so when I start work I can do it in the morning. I take Bella for a walk just for vitamin D, fresh air, and it gets my heart rate up a bit so I can stretch and do some yoga real good afterwards. Then I am just doing 3 arm exercises 3 sets each one day, or 3 legs, back, etc. Done and done. Not too difficult. Except I was going to attempt the P90X leg/back routine today and literally laughed at the first exercise. I believe my words were, "Im not doing this shit!" so I turned it off and just did some lunges and squats. Can barely walk now- therefore I was correct in my assumption that P90X would have been WAY too hard. GOAL: lose 10 lbs in 8 weeks so I can be even a little under the weight Mr. Boyfriend met me at, AND be even better at sex since Ill be in better shape! Oh you know me, everything always comes down to being about sex doesn't it.

xoxo

HL

Goodbye Unemployment.

Well it finally happened!

Today I got an official offer from an awesome internet software company! My brother really hooked it up, and I will be going in as a full time paid intern working with this fantastic woman. The idea is to get me trained on the technology (hopefully within a few months) and help them out with a few projects in the process. Then I should be able to move up into (hopefully) product management.

It's scary transitioning from teaching into something I've never done before. To be perfectly honest, I'm having a hard time sleeping because I'm so worried. What if I don't like it and regret changing careers? What if I'm not good at it and they don't like me? Annie "tried" to ease my worries with "Well there's probably going to be a few month period where you don't like it and want to quit/go home and cry everyday after work, but it'll get better!" Isn't she so helpful? Ha. However, I didn't feel like that when I was SO stressed at my last new job in Slovakia, in fact I was freakishly perky and hyped up everyday for the first few months. I'm surprised my co-workers didn't think I was crazy actually. With this job I do think the first few months of the internship will be difficult since its so different from what I was doing before. But if I can master the basics of understanding the technology stuff, then I get to move into a product manager position where I am mostly working with their all the different major corporation clientele. It would be working with people, doing presentations, teaching, etc. All the things I am good at! So its not quite as scary of a jump as it could be, but the transition gets me nervy. 


Filled out all the paperwork and scanned it back to them so they can do my background check and hopefully get me in there to start next week! The pay isn't very good according to my standards, but according to a paid intern standards its like a miracle and more then I made subbing so I'm not complaining. AND I still get to go visit Mr. Boyfriend and meet his family in May without any vacation issues since I'm just hourly. 


So life takes me in an entirely other direction once again, but I am just so excited about it! And to top it off Mr. Boyfriend is just so proud of me and adores that I am so driven and hard working. I suppose I find it really encourages me to step out of my comfort zone a bit knowing hes on my team rooting for me. 


It's all happening!

xoxo

HL

Something Grand.

Crossroads. 

Although it was five years ago, when I was just barely figuring out what to major in college, if I should change my black/blonde/pink hair, if I wanted to just up and move to India....etc. God (or whoever you think it is) told me I was destined to do something grand and be a strong leader. He got me finally excited about something regarding my future, which was teaching art to underprivileged kids (like art therapy). Which led me to get my teaching credential and minor in art. Now that those doors keep closing to me and the very real prospect of me taking an entirely other career and life path into the business field is literally keeping me up at night worried I am veering from my intended plan.

"I'm not helping needy kids!"
"I'm not even working at a non-profit!"
"I'm not dropping everything and moving to India!"

Around and around we go.

But as I write I wonder if maybe this is how I am going to be a strong leader. God never said I was going to be a strong leader in the education or even non-profit world. He just said I was going to be a strong leader, but I needed to get my anxiety under control (ha, how ironic is that). And whose to say this isn't a stepping stone into being able to volunteer, donate funds, eventually work for a non-profit, etc. And whose to say I still can't even do that in my free time? Maybe this is the path God has intended for me all along. I wouldn't be able to get this internship that directs into this management field without my education and work experience. Without developing my personality that is perfect for the role. Without being where I am unemployment-wise.

So I suppose this means its time to stop limiting myself and be excited about this jump into another world. One I didn't ever see myself in, but one that seems to use my skills in an amazing way anyway.

Literally have had to take sleeping pills the last 2 nights because otherwise I'll just toss and turn thinking, analyzing...and being excited too. Friday I was even supposed to go to Melissa's for dinner, which I was thrilled about- but after not sleeping the ENTIRE night a super fun migraine hit me by afternoon and I could barely move. Oh hey lady, I didn't know you got migraines? Oh yeah, THATS BECAUSE I DON'T.

xoxo

HL

It's All Happening!

It would finally appear that a job may be on the horizon for this poor (and by poor, I mean poor) unemployed teacher! Brother works for a pretty amazing software company start up right by the beach and has been trying to get me a management job there since even though I am a teacher, I do have a pretty great skill set I can use in all kinds of different areas. With some shmoozing from brother, an awesome lunch with me and one of the managers, and then an informal interview with another manager MAY have landed me a paid internship! I am pretty much qualified for a higher end management position, but just don't have the tech expertise to really quite fit. So an internship was pretty much all but professionally offered so I could fill in my tech holes, get my foot in the door there awhile, and then move up. They need help doing things I could do now and I can learn everything else once I'm there! As far as they told me, they're just trying to clear the budget with the CEO's and then hopefully make me an offer! Even if I just get $15/hour for 6 months and am able to pay off my debt and save before moving up (and then out!) I would be happy. Plus once I move up, their management jobs pay really well!

Um, yeah...total career change completely out of left field, I know. The thoughts have been around for awhile...and although I wouldn't be working with children or in education directly anymore, I would really still be doing similar things. The job they're forming me for is a social and presentational role where I am the pretty and awesome face for the customers (big name businesses) and then break down the projects for the geeky tech guys. Plus, my brothers company has great perks, benefits, is right by the beach and a gym, has an awesome community of cool people working there, my boss would prrrrobably turn into my best friend forever, and is small enough so that if someday I want to lessen my hours to do the family thing- I probably could. 

If all you took from that was "So. You're going to really be Joan Holloway then aren't you", then YES. 

I am hoping to find out and maybe even start next week! If nothing else I have an awesome sounding nanny job interview and a final interview for a pretty great summer kids reading program next week too. My happiness level has finally gotten back to normal (if not shooting through the roof) as I am finally getting interviews and leads now. It's amazing how sapped your heart gets from so much ignoring and just downright rejection every day. I feel like besides my year stint in Slovakia, which also SERIOUSLY left something to be desired, I've basically been fighting unemployment, without the luxury of government help, since I graduated. It's exhausting. 

I feel so thankful for even the connections and opportunities I'm getting! This could mean a whole new life for this girl. 

Keep your fingers crossed, sure how we have some good news by next week!

xoxo

HL

The Day I Saw The President.

I suppose I forgot to mention our family friend who does secret security for the president has been trying to get me a job working the Obama campaign. Either traveling with the campaign or based at one of their offices in LA. Step one was volunteering at an event in LA on Wednesday! It was only volunteer, but it was SUCH an amazing experience. The fundraiser was at a soap producers giant ass mansion in Beverly Hills and featured Jack Black and Rashida Jones as speakers, the Foo Fighters playing, and then of course the president speaking! There were only 300-500 people there so it felt very intimate and like we were one big family.

I was a greeter where everyone came in, and since everyone had to go through the same security I got to see all the celebrities and say hello to them! Mila Kunis, Don Cheadle, Herbie Hancock, the bassist from the Foo Fighters, and Wolfgang Puck were the ones I got to greet. Surprisingly I wasn't star struck at all...it was all very relaxed and I felt like I'd been doing this for ages. Maybe I am more LA then I realize. The highlight was definitely when the president spoke, I genuinely believe in everything he stands for, when he speaks and I am with a crowd of like minded people- it was just so encouraging. Plus, his speech was very relaxed and even funny sometimes. I love having a president I feel like I could actually talk to. Unfortunately I had to stand outside from 1:30-8:00 in probably the coldest day in southern California this year (seriously, couldn't have gotten above 45 all day and I was only wearing my cardigan with the rain), so I was pretty exhausted and tired.

I couldn't take pictures at the event, but a cheeky bloke snuck in from an LA based blog and got some good coverage of the event here. I must say, its strange seeing the pictures since I recognize everyone in them and it was such a small group of people there really! Theres a bunch of pictures right where I was working, but I must have been talking to Mila Kunis then because only my boot made it in.

So heres hoping I get an amazing job out of it!

xoxo

HL

Fussy.

Everyday I don't get called to sub I FREAK out about money, job, my future, etc. I am already tired of applying and not hearing from ANYONE. Today I realized that doing it everyday is a bit ridiculous and no wonder I am overwhelmed and tired of it, so I decided that Mondays and/or days I don't get sub work will be my applying days. It's very time consuming and tiring to scour and search for the jobs...tweak a cover letter for it...and shmooze the resume too. I could easily spend hours and hours doing it boarded up in my room everyday and the rest of the time being depressed about not hearing from anyone.

Last night I didn't get a sub call and then couldn't sleep because I was so stressed out about it. So now not only am I depressed, grumpy, and stressed out about my life...but am extra fussy from lack of sleep.

I did spend some time praying and journaling about my head and heart this morning. I also decided that days I don't get work will be praying and meditating days when I first wake up to calm my crazy ass down and re center. The words PEACE and PATIENCE kept resonating out from that time and have often been constant themes in my life. When I think about it, its going to be ok. I've worked enough so I should have enough to cover the basics like food, gas, phone, and other minor expenses, and when I don't my parents slip me a $20 so I can fill my tank. But I just don't feel like I'm LIVING. I'm stuck in my parents suburbia house all the time because I dont feel like I can spare any money to do anything, I can't afford health insurance and somehow don't qualify for ANYTHING free from California, I can't afford mental health services which I need to be in so this looming depression doesn't finish creeping up, I'm afraid my 188,880 mile car is going to die at any moment and I have NOTHING to help me get a new one, and I'm just stuck. Granted, I've only been home a few weeks and I in no way regret my decision to leave Slovakia where I was barely making any money anyway and was lonely, depressed, and over worked all the time. But I suppose I'm just impatient. And scared.

And so tired.

Time for nap.

BUT I did feel myself going down the depressed and grumpy road and called Melissa to hang out later instead of moping home alone tonight- I'm getting better at this.

Wish me luck.

xoxo

HL

and PS: things with the boy are just as perfect as ever. I've had so much time to talk with him lately, its been so precious for both of us. I seriously don't know how we never run out of things to talk about. I heart him. WAIT until you see the super girly valentines gift I'm making him, oh man its out of control.

Bon Voyage.

Well its 5:30a on the day I leave. I don't have to go until this afternoon but we all know I don't sleep much the night before I am off and away. Trying to enjoy my last moments in my pillow/memory foam topped bed with a sweet Bella all snuggled up on my side. It's so emotionally draining to be so sad to leave a place but so excited to go back "home" at the same time. One minute you are up excited to see your roomie, friends, go out dancing, have your own flat again, be back in your little Euro city, and the next moment you are down because you are going to miss so many things about being home. I walked slowly through all the stores today taking in all the English words...spoken English...American products and brands where I can read the labels and ask for anything I need...the huge openness of everything...endless options...but mostly, feeling like you belong and everything being familiar. 

I will miss all of that. 

Saying good bye to friends and family again over the last week has also been difficult. I knew I was missing something in my relationships in Bratislava, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Having a history with people and having them know and love so much about you is something I never considered that important. I figured that all but 4 of my friends in socal had moved away so there wasn't really a point in me sticking around either. Now I see how AMAZING it is to have 4 fantastic friends in your city who you have known for years and can be completely yourself with. And how precious it is when your other friends DO come into town and you are able to catch up. It might require extensive driving around the city sometimes...but its worth it. To feel so at home. It's hard for me to want to go deeper with my friends in BA knowing we are all so temporary. We love each other, but besides roomie and I, we don't talk about anything serious going on in our lives or from our past. We just are what we are for the time being. Which is great and lovely, but not better then my loves from home. 

However, I am not happy living at home in the suburbs with my parents. After a few weeks here I got really irritable with the same things I did when I lived here before, so I know when I move back I can't be here more then a month without going out of my mind. So it's time to start saving saving saving. While here I saw a glimpse of what my life would be like if I moved down south in the city. I realized I have an entire group of friends there that I LOVE, there are tons of things to do, its relatively cheap, and far enough away from home so I won't go crazy but close enough I can still come up for family dinner on Sundays. I have been wanting to move down there FOREVER but the timing has never been right, I am hoping in 6 months it will be. 

Things with work are crazy again which is another reason I am considering not returning after Christmas. Everything was getting better in the last few months before I left, but I am about 98% sure I am heading into a shit storm when I get there. SERIOUS people in admin have quit, gotten fired, or are being seriously reviewed and they haven't even officially told any of us. I found out from roomie who is still friends with people from when she worked there. I guarantee they aren't telling us on purpose because they know we wouldn't come back if we knew. They'd rather greet us on the first day back with "so...you might notice some people missing...". PLUS we were paid 5 days extra late this month. We were theoretically supposed to regularly be paid 20 days earlier but legally speaking it was only 5 days late. Its complicated. Either way, theres no excuse for it and its ILLEGAL to pay us late but because we are foreigners and don't know how to report anything we are kind of stuck into getting fucked every month. It's just not a healthy environment with everything being so insecure and up in the air all the time- it leaves me stressed out and anxious which I don't need on top of being a first year teacher in a foreign country. So we'll see how the year goes. 

I am SO excited to go dancing this weekend at our old haunts! I've only been once since I got to socal and am just not used to not going out every weekend. I just love it so much! 

So I guess this is my good bye socal. It feels like I just got here, I can't believe how fast it all went! I will miss so many things about you.

Back to Europe I Go...

xoxo

HL

Decisions, Decisions.

Think I could handle a little more of this?

Big news. My little school here in Slovakia offered to move me up to teaching 5th grade next year instead of Pre-K! My director said some really flattering things about me- like how great of a teacher I am and how I am kind of being "wasted" in Pre-K since it isn't even really technically a grade level. Pre-K is lovely, but it IS a lot of babysitting in the afternoons and a lot of exhausting "work" which really just involves giving 14 children A LOT of attention all day, and very little teaching. My co-workers think its a really good move for me so I don't get "stuck" in kinder and don't ever get to move up to real grade levels. Teaching a another grade level would look really good on my CV and I have taught 5th grade before and LOVED it.

Unfortunately, it means they want me to commit for an entire other year. Yeah, until NEXT June. Which makes sense for the kids. And for my CV. And everything else.

But still...

Immediately I thought of PAG and how this means we really won't get to reconnect...even though I've never heard from him again...but still (oh, I am crazy town). And if not PAG, someone else from home I could actually have a real relationship and a future with. I thought about how I am turning 26 in October. I am getting old. And alone. And the vision of me being one of those "I'm 30 and single and fabulous! But really I am lonely and sleep with people I don't love and it sucks" women. So needless to say, I freaked out.

But then everyone keeps reminding me 25/26 is young. I meet lovely people here all the time and whose to say I can't have something with someone international? I have always been pretty "Euro" anyway. Plus, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time, why would I go home and live with my parents and work at Starbucks in our crappy economy? More time to pay off my debt, save some money, and travel.

Plus, roomie reminded me that under Slovak law I can give a 2-3 months notice and still leave mid year if I want to with no repercussions. Although it would seriously effect my CV and letter of recommendation, but at least I have the option.

Another issue is the lack of language arts and history curriculum. And by "lack"" I mean there isn't any.  I don't even think they ordered any for next year. I have 6 months of Pre-K curriculum done and was planning on finishing the first 3 months over the summer so next year was going to be a breeze. I am looking to order some different ones for 5th grade, but it's expensive and a lot of work.

So we'll see what happens. They want to know my decision about the entire year by Monday. So I think I will say yes and give my notice if I need too.

Meanwhile, Africa has been weird all week. Playing the disappearing act then randomly showing up Friday before his work like nothing had happened...then disappearing again all weekend. I was kind of upset that it appeared things were ending, and now I am just annoyed.

Good weekend drinking a lot at Primi on Friday night with friends...except everyone else got WASTED and I had to take roomie home early, we had a new friend sleep on our couch, and no one knows how our other friend even got home. So you know, the usual.

xoxo

HL

BIG NEWS.

I guess I could handle more of this.

Welp, decided to stay until December my friends.

Talked with PAG finally over the weekend...it wasn't our best conversation ever I have to admit...he seemed a bit cranky and unapologetic for not contacting me the entire week. But it was still nice to catch up and talk about this with him. This week I think we will talk more now that finals are over and hopefully rekindle some of our relationship. He was becoming my best friend and then disappeared into finals abyss, so now I feel distant.

During our lovely and lengthy conversation, I brought up the offer my director gave me to go home for the summer and then just work until December holiday break. So basically working for 3 months but getting paid for 6, and being able to put on my resume "a year of teaching abroad". Plus, have you SEEN my bomb ass apartment? He immediately agreed with me and seconded that it was a good idea and that I should do it. Sometimes he's so supportive though that I am almost like "but wait...don't you miss me?".

I think it will be hard to come back here after an amazing summer with all of my friends and family and lover...but if I come home for our week break in October, I really wouldn't even be gone that long. Maybe it was easier making this decision after not talking to him for so long and having such a blast with my new roomie in my new place. Ask me this question 3 weeks ago and it was a clear NO WAY, right?

I keep waiting to feel regret. Today after I told the school I kept waiting to wish I had taken it back...but nothing came. I am finally getting a handle on my job and even getting a head start on next years curriculum so I won't be where I am now-stressed. I making friends...enjoying things around the city...settling into my place. And I like having my man waiting for me while I gallivant around the city. I miss him, but I also don't have to worry about meeting anyone else around here or impressing anyone. I just do whatever.

So thats that my friends. Therefore, get ready for an EPIC summer.

xoxo

HL

More Decisions.

Think crazy could stand living it up in Europe a bit longer? 

I know in previous posts, I have wanted to come home right NOW and could hardly stand being away from my family, friends, and lover anymore.

Not going to lie...suddenly I find myself getting used to missing everyone back home, but also loving my life here. The dull ache of missing home and the crying fits have subsided, and now I am just busy with my awesome fun job and going out almost every night of the week with new friends. Of course there are still things I miss about home, and I am still REALLY looking forward to my summer holiday there. But my school director offered me to extend my contract just until January. Then I would get paid over the summer, and would only really be working September through half of December. There is even a break in October where I could come home or meet somewhere and see my PAG (assuming things there are even going to work out). Financially it would make sense...since I still have some debt to pay off and need some savings before trying to make it work back in socal. Plus, for my career I would be able to write a YEAR of teaching abroad...instead of just a random 6 months somewhere. Having experience is crucial to getting a job anywhere in California because they just keep firing all of the teachers and can be picky in hiring new ones since the market is flooded with good applicants. I would be home for Christmas and right around when the teaching jobs are posted for the next year. So I would get to spend a summer with all of you with free time and money AND would just be gone for 3.5 months again before coming home for good.

This is another reason I've been trying to talk to PAG. I want to make this decision with him or just know he is done with me and make my own decision. I know I would never find anyone here...the international community is pretty weird, the Slovak guys are ugly and have old world ideas about women, and any hot guy is just here for a stag party weekend.

And this is what Sundays were invented for. Sitting in bed working and being sad all day while thinking about how your life decisions are a hot mess.

xoxo

HL

Weird.

Things are kind of weird again...

We had two government inspectors come to our school today and for the rest of the week, to observe us, interview us, and check that all of the administratives documents are in order. It's a BIG deal, they can shut down your school if health and safety aren't up to code or for any reason. Of course, my school had hardly any of the admin documents ready so we've been scrambling around trying to get everything ready and Ive been REALLY angry about it. I already work extensively overtime every week developing my curriculum, and I found out we are already with the kids over the legal amount anyway. PLUS I had all this extra stuff to do because the admin hadn't done any of it since the school opened 10 years ago.

PAG has finals this week too, and we've been missing each others calls. But again, he's not responding to my emails (but then has time to send me news articles that he also sends to his family...which is sweet because we do that...but how come you have time for that and not time to email me back or anything?) and it's now been a week since we've talked. He's tried to call twice but I had it on vibrate and missed them. So that is always weird too. I miss talking to him, and love to talk to him especially when I am having a stressful week. He makes me happy.

And now I have to tell my work about not coming back next year and its so hard to walk away from a job when they just laid off MORE teachers back home. And when my new apartment is so amazing. And I am falling in love with my city and kids at work.

I keep asking myself, are you really just going home for a boy who you haven't even talked to in a week?

But of course I miss other things too. Living abroad is much more glamourous then it sounds...at least in my case. I work my butt off at my job, the admin is unorganized, making new friends is HARD, and come on, lets be honost...baby needs some sex.

so ready for the weekend already.

xoxo

HL

So Many Things...

Where I would much rather be right now.

Things have been happening. But between work, Vienna, and now getting sick I haven't had a moment to spare to update you all. But here we are...

Work...
Work has been, to say the least, stressful. I am a first year teacher, so its already extremely tough when you dont have lessons already done in your files that you can just pull from. But then I arrive at a school that gives me NO curriculum or resources and am in another country where I cant just go to the teacher store and even order my own. When I brought this up with the new director he was really surprised and said he would get right on it for me...which ended up meaning they are ordering curriculum for next year and I will not benefit from it right now AT ALL. At first I was ok spending every night and Sundays working on writing my own curriculum and scouring websites for free resources...but now I find myself burning out beyond belief. I am working 8a-4p then coming home and putting in another 2-3 hours a night with planning. PLUS I am not even technically certified to teach this age level, I am prepared to teach Kindergarten through grade 8, NOT preschool. I dont have any cool lessons or ideas up my sleeve and although the lessons are short and easy, but I still need ideas and resources! I cant just go on nothing. So I am frustrated and angry and need to figure out how to order myself some books or how to just get over it and work my ass off until I am finally done the end of June. Of course I still love my job, I even really like planning and curriculum development...just not 10+ hours everyday. I still need free time! And I'm not getting paid for all these extra hours.

Moving...
Also, moving is on the table again! YAY! A girl who used to work at the school has a spare room and wants to rent it to me for a decent price. It's RIGHT in the middle of the old city, I can walk EVERYWHERE down there, and from what I've heard its really nice and classy inside. I go to see it Thursday and will probably move over the weekend or next week if all works out. I am SO excited! I love one of my room mates, but the other one drives me CRAZY and living in the middle of nowhere while working 10 hour days doesn't make for a happy lady.

PAG...
Oh friends, things couldn't be more wonderful. I was pretty frustrated for a few weeks there when he was busy with his mid terms, seminars, reviewing his thesis, etc...and wasn't responding to my emails or calls except with little "Im so sorry, Im just swamped, but I miss you!" messages every once in awhile. And after a few weeks of also missing his few calls due to the stupid time difference, I was bummed. But finally his busyness calmed down and he's been calling me almost everyday, got his camera hooked up so we can video chat, is emailing me all the time again. We've even been having serious talks about our values and what we want for the future and...oh loves, its just SO good. So much better then I ever thought it could be. I went into this hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Let's face it, my track record of men pursuing me hasn't been the best, we only knew each other for such a short time, and I MOVED across the world with a 9 hour time difference and no end date in sight (at the time). But here we are. Making it work. 2 months in and I am still in shock of his heart for me.

Future...
Yeah. Besides counting down until I come home in July, the future is still pretty unclear. Kathleen said she could try and help me get a job in the music industry up in LA if I wanted. And I know the BUX is always hiring. Plus I asked my old boss and any other education contacts I have to keep their ears open for me. Also considering just doing whatever for a year to get myself established, pay off some debt, and save up before applying to grad school. Too many options really. I need to not stress about it and live in the moment a little more, especially since I cant even apply for anything until probably June. "Im just a worrier, thats why my friends call me Whiskers."


So there you are dear friends.

And, we're back...

Work It.

Amongst another freak out regarding "What the hell am I going to do when I move back to Socal?!" I decided to start getting this little blog of mine more loved by the world if possible. I mean, this is like my other part time job...and I LOVE it, so what if it really WAS my part time job? Yeah, I know! So exciting!

So I started writing for Hub Pages as a way to try and get me and Black and Lashes out there more, I just put up my first article! Aren't we proud?

If you have any more ideas of how to become a "professional blogger" please send them my way. 

It really is all for you.

And now I really should get back to lesson planning for my "real" job...aren't we supposed to be on vacation though? 

xoxo

HL

My Life.

The following images basically depict my daily life.

Today we learned about the 5 senses and I mixed coffee, chocolate, and jasmin oil into different colored paint. Then we finger painted a big roll of butcher paper. Oh, it was lovely. And finally our classroom smelled nice instead of like stinky butt kids. Of course the kids had it all over their noses from smelling the paint and we had to keep reminding them to stop trying to taste it, they're too funny. I just laugh and laugh all day at my job!

And then walking to work in the snow everyday is just a dream. It just keeps on snowing and snowing and I cant get enough. Some pretty pictures of where I work and what I get to look at everyday...