And Then There Were Seven.

ONLY SEVEN DAYS UNTIL I SEE MY LOVE!!! 

AND until I get a mini vacation!! 

AND until  I get to have sex again! SWEET JESUS. 

I am taking a few days off that week for the big move and we have so many fun things planned. It would have already been amazing just to be together and have some vacation time, but then getting to begin our lives together in the first place either of us have had of our very own, plus some family Christmas events, surprises from him, and the work Christmas party too...it's just so sweet. I fear this week shall be one of the slowest of my life. 

I need to fast. Thanksgiving weekend with the family was out of control. I feel like I could eat soup and protein shakes for the rest of the week and be 100% FINE. I bought something saucy to wear for our first big night together and now the idea of stuffing myself into it is horrifying. Good thing he hasn't been allowed to touch another girl for a year and won't even care! Gosh, can you believe we've been doing this shenanigan long distance thing for over a YEAR? And that we haven't seen each other in 6 months? Damn that is love if nothing else.

The blog doesn't look like complete shit now. It's not at all perfect to me and I might actually pay someone to completely redo it all for me this year...I have tried myself and just don't have the time. I barely have the time to write as often as I'd like. So we'll see.

Seven Days. After Six Months. Just Seven Days Now.

Oh man are we ready.

xoxo

HL

Thoughts on Being a Military Girlfriend (and Future Wife)

It blows. Ok seriously, I am not joking it fucking BLOWS. I love how other women like to say to me, “I don’t know how you deal with everything, I would never be able to deal with that.” Oh right. Like I somehow chose to be head over heels in love with a military man and was super excited to sign up for him being gone all the time on potentially dangerous missions, having his dates for coming home changed at the last minute ALL the time, the countless paperwork and bureaucracy we have to work through to get ANYTHING done. I could go on, but you get the gist. I don’t think I am somehow more able to accept and deal with this shit than anyone else, I didn’t go looking for a military guy. In fact, I swore I would never be with one because I didn’t want all of the extra stress in life! But here we are.

However I will say, whenever we get another blow like the one about him being seriously potentially deployed again in February and I tell myself “I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!”. Jesus has some words with me. He reminds me he has given me this man who is so perfectly matched and loves me so deeply. That actually, I am stronger than some other women who genuinely wouldn’t be able to deal with this. I am very capable on my own, I have traveled and lived all over the world, I am independent and used to a long distance love. That he wouldn’t give me this situation if I couldn’t handle it and if it was all bad. That I am supposed to ask Him for help. That I need to suck it up and be supportive to my love because he shouldn’t be comforting me right now.

I think that’s the hardest part. Getting horrible news like today about him coming home later than planned, and having to secretly mourn because he is already so sad. Putting on the “it’ll be ok baby, at least it didn’t get cancelled for longer or post-poned a great deal…” face. I don’t think it will affect his time to come see me, but it will mean he doesn’t get to see baby bear that much longer which I know is very very difficult for him.

I suppose we can thank God for the “perks” such has housing allowances, moving support, free or cheaper priced items and services on base, the health care. But then when I think about it…they aren’t really perks at all. Just the basics of what you need to survive with the crappy pay, schedules and travelling- otherwise no one would be able to do it.

Ok fine there is another major perk. Something growing up in San Diego never taught me. In fact, growing up here taught me the opposite. But military men can have the most precious and sweet hearts. They have seen and experienced a lot of shit in their life. So they value their woman and family like I have never seen in a man our age. I know there are a lot of military men who go the opposite direction and can’t deal with their emotions since they are told by society as men not to have them, and then are trained by the military not to have them even more. Plus the trauma they experience they often can’t even tell you about because of top secret clearances and such. Sharing feelings? NOPE. And now you see how complicated being loving someone in the military is. I have so much respect for wives and families now that I NEVER had before, if anything I thought the stickers on the cars and ridiculous crying scenes at deployments were kind of weird. As in, “You knew he was going to leave! Why are you with a man who you know is going to be gone all the time and now you want to cry about it?” That's not how it works my friends. And I implore you to realize as such when you shake your head at a military family...or at me. Yeah it sucks, but we all know you don't choose who you fall in love with. 

However, if all goes even semi well my love will be with me in 11 days. And then I am not letting him go for as long as I possibly can.

xoxo

HL

Stupid Fights AKA "I Just Miss You"

Toward the end of our last 6 months a part stint we started having the silliest arguments. They were always miscommunications and afterwards we realized...gosh, we just miss each other. Do you know how hard it is to keep this crap up over the phone and sometimes Skype? We have it down now but every once in awhile you just need to see someone's face to know how they are really feeling.

This time was no different and I ended up being the jerk face. My love likes to tell me stories from back when he was in high school. Typically in my head they were stories about how awesome he was 10 years ago and that he, for some reason, needed to keep bragging about it. Usually I just teased him for being Uncle Rico and would remind him that his school was 30 people in an old tanning salon. Give it up. I felt like my bf became a douche right before my eyes telling old "remember when I was the star of the football team babe?!". It was frightening.

After a year he finally called me out on my teasing. And I called him out on being a douche. To which the saddest argument began.

Apparently I am a jerk. He just wanted to tell me stories. And then was SO afraid I would think he was a douche and leave him and got really sad. "I've been trying so hard to not be a douche anymore since I've met you, you haven't noticed?". My dear married friend and her husband gave me some solid advice "guys just like to tell you stories" and I inserted "you are their person". So simple but so true. Who the hell else are they going to tell? And what I thought was douche was really just him wanting to tell me things and make me laugh. "I didn't think I was being a douche, I just thought I was talking to my best friend"---daggers to the heart.

Now I have a bf who doesn't want to tell me anything anymore. Girlfriend fail.

We made up last night and finally got to talk for hours instead of just 20 minutes here or there depending on the day. We were laughing and laughing and are just SO excited to be with each other in TWO WEEKS!!!

This time next week he'll be headed to see the baby bear!! I am so excited for those two, he's been waiting for this real reunion for years. The reunion that will last longer then a week or two. My boys.

Excited for Thanksgiving this week. It's a short and slow week at work and we have family coming into town which will be so sweet. It's going to be hard for me because I am the only one working out of everyone the day before and after, but my boss isn't going to be there and doesn't care when I come in and out which is at least some consolation.

Missing my love.

2 Weeks and Counting...

Sweet vintage Ikea images here.

This time in two weeks I will be putting the finishing touches on packing up my life here. This time in two weeks I will be packing my overnight bag for our rendezvous in a surprise hotel (I am so spoiled) the next night. This time in two weeks I will be getting ready to pick up my long lost love after six months of being apart. Six months of no kisses. No one to hold your hand. No one to tell you how beautiful you look today. No one to take you to the movies or out for dinner. No one to snuggle with.. I can't believe it is so soon now! I mean I really can't believe it!

And now everything is happening so so fast. I have to seriously pack over the next two weeks...thank God I didn't really unpack my life after moving home from Slovakia. My room is somewhat bare with only the new house things I've bought over the last few months even still in boxes and bags. So really its going through my closet and the garage to get rid of everything I can, and cart off to Good Will. This is quite a feat. But after we have everyone in and out over Thanksgiving is when I think I can tackle. It's much less overwhelming to just go though boxes then it is to pack your entire life.

Today I made "our" first trip to Ikea. I am sure the first of many, but the first time I have gotten to buy things for my own place. Everywhere I've lived was with girls who had already been there awhile and already had everything. Which was very convenient at the time...but this is so much more fun. Making a home of our own. I bought a few things over the last few weeks and already had some donations, so it was mostly just filling in the remaining gaps. I know we still need quite a few things and I will be sick of these Ikea measuring cups and spoons and will want the Anthro ones...but trying to be financially responsible means buying things in cash and within my budget...and waiting until I have more money for fancier ones later. I am anxious to just go and get everything though!!

As you can see, I did quite well all on my own.

We are counting down the moments until he is back with baby bear. And then with me. And then all of us together. Neither of us feel like we can breathe correctly until we are finally together. It really is all happening. Make these two weeks go faster, oh please.

xoxo

HL

Trying On Acceptance.

Trying to be more accepting today as I enter my last day I've deemed as "mourning" my love being deployed again in February. I am tempted to rush around and do my errands, turn in this apartment application, clean and cook and fuss...but I know I need to be still. And sit here in being sad, frustrated, afraid, overwhelmed, and angry. I've busied myself all week so I could get through each work day without being that girl crying at her desk (mission accomplished). But now I know it's time to be still.

Especially because I can feel the deep depression bout coming on. That little grey cloud has been following me around from time to time and I know because whenever I get upset or even happy about anything it whispers in my ear, "Nothing matters anymore. Why care? Nothing matters." and that scares me. That is the true signal I am depressed...when I genuinely don't want to get out of bed, work, dress up, do things I enjoy, be excited about anything at all because my brain keeps telling me "Who cares, nothing matters anymore". However, I think this is a normal part of my grieving process. I am not too afraid of falling into a serious depression yet...just want to be cautious and try and put some parameters around myself since I know the path it can lead to. And one of the parameters I know to give myself is time and place to be sad and angry and feel everything I am feeling. Then when it's over and I am doing something else like work or spending time with friends, I am fully present and not holding back tears the entire time because I haven't properly let myself feel anything.

So here we are.

God has blessed me with a weekend of almost nothing to do. I am procrastinating my errands and chores until tomorrow so today is mine to spend eating moms pancakes, reading, thinking, and sitting in my feelings. I've been thinking in a way...this is bigger then just the upcoming deployment. I think I am grieving a whole slew of things I thought would happen in my life that are now not to be. Being with a military man means everything about me always comes second. And that realization is perhaps even more difficult to deal with. The things I gain from my love outweigh the things I am having to give up, I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Plus I am exhausted. The work week was extremely stressful. Plus this news keeping me tossing and turning every night. Plus having things to do after work everyday has left me drained to say the least. This week I am looking forward to getting a massage. I knew I needed it. Getting my nails and feet done. And taking a half day on Friday to go with some girls to Vegas. I am hoping that will be the last thing I need to finally shake this icky feeling.

I am thankful for today.

xoxo

HL

Words To Describe.

It's taking everything in me to actually sit down. still. and write this all down.

Because every time I stop moving I get to thinking. Get to crying. Get to inching closer and closer back to bed. And writing it down means it's real. I don't know which "stage" of grief I am in...but it would appear to be some weird mix of all of them where one minute I am fighting the truth by staying busy and pretending nothings happening and the next I want to punch the military in the face, until suddenly I realize I am crying.

In case you just joined us. The love of my life is coming home to me from his deployment so very soon, just a little over 4 weeks now. We've been a part for over a year now but did spend a week together in early June. Which doesn't feel that long ago now but does at the same time. When he's finally back in my arms it will have been 6 months. And oh the plans we've made! Looking for an apartment together! I have a list on my phone of all the places I want to take him! His son will hopefully be joining us! Everything was busy but exciting and sweet and felt like a happy ending to this prolonged distance of death.

And then.

There always seems to be an "and then" with me. Nothing can ever be easy.

Anyway. And then.

We found out he's scheduled to be deployed again in February for another 6-8 months.
And here I have to catch my breath.

To say I wept for our future and life together as it disappeared like a puff of smoke would be an understatement. It was more of a sobfest on the floor of my room after 4 gin and tonics and some cookies.

I pleaded with God. PLEADED.
"Please don't make me do this, I can't do this, why are you doing this?! Why mine? Why do I have to be alone? Why does this have to be so hard? THIS ISN'T FAIR."

I know I will get to the point of acceptance and will be excited for our time together while we have it. I know I will eventually be optimistic that at least he's not going to the middle east. That he's alive. That I am so sweetly loved and taken care of. But those day's haven't come yet. I am not ready for them. I am barely ready to talk about anything with even my closest friends. Still processing letting go of every memory I had built up making with him. And with our sweet little bear. Every adventure. Our big engagement. Waking up with each other every morning. Every moment I was so looking forward to is gone gone gone. Plus the realization it's always going to be like this. My life will always come second to his career. My aspirations and wishes can never be a priority. And what's worse, I can't complain about it because it's not his fault and I don't want him to feel guilty. I have to pretend to not be sad and be the bigger person every time he is sad. So much to give up.

How do you even attempt explain all of that loss to someone else? Furthermore, how do you tell your friends and family that you still love him and want to be with him even though he's going to be gone again? I feel alone. Then I know the questions of what we are going to do will start and I have barely enough energy to make it through the day let alone formulate a plan to answer everyones questions and judgements. My mother is the worst, she's supportive which is sweet but pesters me for answers and I just don't have them yet.

I have big plans of mourning my future with my love all weekend. I told myself by Sunday afternoon I need to have snapped out of it and get my shit a little more together.

So many things.

xoxo

HL

When you find out that after over a year of being apart, he'll be home for 6 weeks and then gone again for 6-8 months.

You read that right.

When you find out that after over a year of being apart, he'll be home for 6 weeks and then gone again for 6-8 months.

There are no words.

Twenty-Seven.

Happy Birthday to Me! I simply can not believe another year has passed. Twenty- Seven. The number always seemed so high to me. I felt like I would have so much more of my life together by now...not necessarily in a good way. I guess I am kind of glad I am not as "adult" as I thought 27 was. I'm still single, still love going out, work to live and not the other way around, listen to good music, wear cute clothes, have more confidence in myself every year that passes. The list goes on. 

Last year I recall we decided to call twenty-six "The Year of Wonder" and oh my it was! I think thats about when my crazy partying days started to surprisingly come to a close as Mr. Boyfriend and I started our accidental long distance love affair. Where at the time I thought "wonder" was going to be more dancing on tables 5 nights a week and having meaningless affairs with various men...wonder took me on a completely different route than I ever expected. In fact, gosh its so much better. I found the love of my life. I am working on applying to our very own beautiful apartment in a part of the city I am excited to live in and it includes our little buddy. I'm not stressed about money. Or my mothers health. I've completely changed careers and while I don't love it 100%, I am trying to learn to like it for right now. What a serious wonder its in fact been.

Can't twenty-seven be the year of wonder too? This is the year everything is going to happen. Mr. Boyfriend and I are exactly 8 weeks away from moving into our apartment together (eeee!!!). We are going to get engaged and plan our wedding this year. I turn into a momma for his mini me. It's All Happening!

Ah- there is is.

"Twenty-Seven: It's All Happening"

I was so busy feeling sorry for myself this birthday I was overwhelmed with surprises! I was feeling a bit 16 candlesish with friends not being able to celebrate my birthday party I planned (as usual), my brother opting out of the family night, work forgetting and I had to beg my brother to take me out for lunch, I guess I just usually had lots of little mid week outings of friends wanting to celebrate with me or take me to lunch or something and this time it was much more minimal. Part of growing up. I dont think it helped that the one love I'd like to celebrate with is currently deployed to Brazil...just as an added bonus.

Oh, plus I had awesome PMS which makes for a very teary birthday.

ANYWAY. After all of that ridiculousness a few of my girls met me for a drink at my favorite wine bar the night before...

 The day of my mum made me breakfast and I treated myself to some Starbucks...

 Then my sweet family took me out for AMAZING Russian food down in San Diego. Spending time with them is always a treat. Plus, come on theres a sweet succulent baby involved. 

Look at him!!! GAH!

Plus flowers from friends galore, birthday calls, videos, and treats. I felt so loved. Next weekend I am arranging a dinner and dancing night with everyone to celebrate my favorite way...gosh I've missed dancing.

So here is to twenty-seven, "It's All Happening!"

xoxo

HL

Birthday Week Treats.

Over the last few years I've learned not to get too hyped up about my birthday anymore. Especially last year where the big gala ended up turning out like just another night with dramatic semi-friends practically ignoring me all night. The only good thing was when (now) Mr. Boyfriend and I spent our marvelous days loving and laughing with each other. The year before was even worse when most of friends "couldn't" come to the birthday party I had spent time putting together and the horrible ex had stopped calling me forever, after a year, just days before our plans to celebrate my birthday.

Of course this year I've planned another fun evening the weekend after my birthday, and of course majority of people "can't" come. I am sad and disappointed...but decided well before even having it that I didn't care who did or did not come. My brother and I were going to go out for sure and if everyone else wanted to come they would. I wanted to get dressed up, get drunk, and dance. And dammit, I'm going to! However, with my real birthday being 2 days away and having NO plans all week besides with my family the day of...it's feeling a little lackluster again. So I've been treating myself instead and I must say...it's been rather lovely.

How to Celebrate Your Birthday Week

• Get your favorite tacos for taco tuesday, while waiting peruse a favorite shop
• Make your friend come get a drink and dinner with you one night. Order a hamburger and beer with all the fixings and don't feel guilty about it. I haven't done that in YEARS. 
• Go to bed super early one night. It was so worth it. 
• Walk to your favorite cafe from the train after work, order your favorite tea, croissant, just sit there and read. Sigh. 

RIGHT?!

Tomorrow I am going to see if someone wants to get a drink and ring in midnight with me, Saturday- the actual birthday- Rachel is coming over to pool and drink, dinner at a fun Russian restaurant with the family, and then book club on Sunday. I must say, it's ended up being quite a lovely week after all. Makes me want to do nice and fun things for myself more often! However, not food related. 8 weeks until I see Mr. Boyfriend (can you believe it?!) time to get myself in gear. I've been half assing it for months now. 

So I suppose the lesson we've learned yet again is being an awesome independent woman is more AWESOME than we always think it will be. 

(in light of this I've decided to make a "schedule" for myself! Mondays are errands, Tuesdays are drinks and dinner with Annie, Wednesdays are my girly appointments, Thursdays are cafe and writing night! Right?! I feel so organized and adult-like. Weird.)

I am missing my man. He sent me the fancy Miss Dior perfume I wanted. It's not the same without someone holding you close the morning of and whispering "happy birthday baby" in your ear. Oh well, this will be the last birthday I have without him. We have the rest of our lives.

(Unless he gets deployed...but I like to pretend thats never happening...so whatever.)

xoxo

HL

We're Waiting For You.

I have been missing our sweet little buddy. It was his second birthday last week. We can't wait to be with him for keeps and never miss another birthday.


To Our Little Cake,
I am sorry we missed your sweet little birthday. I saw the few pictures of your Mickey Mouse cake and pinata- it looked like a nice little party in the park and nana and papa said you had a fun time. I saw that you didn't want to get off of papa's lap and I hope it's because he reminds you of your daddy and their warm home. It's hard for your daddy to not be with you. I know it makes him very very sad, but he tries really hard for you to know him by calling all the time and sending you all the gifts we can. We picked out your birthday present together and were so glad to hear you liked it!! I can't wait to play with it with you at nana and papas house. Then we can pack it up in the truck and move you and daddy out here to live where I am from so we can be a little family! We are so excited!!! I am finding a lot of fun things we can do together when you are here with us. Library, Disneyland, the beach, aquarium, movies and music outside, picnics, the zoo, all kinds of things! I feel lonely without my boys with me. Daddy and I didn't want to leave you in Mississippi, but it's only for a little while longer. We talk about you all the time. You like to tell Daddy about "spongebob" and everything you are doing at daycare. Your hair is longer now and even curlier and makes us laugh. You've gotten taller and bigger just since we saw you in June and it makes us a little sad because we feel like we are missing everything.

My Boys.

I know it will be strange to be with your momma there and then come live with us here...but it is going to be better. Your momma loves you, but adults make things complicated. Whatever happens- remember we love you too and can't wait to get to have you with us. I know I will never be your "real" mommy, but I sure do love you as much. And I hope someday you will too.

Right now I am looking at places where we can live and finding fun things for your new bedroom. We were thinking of doing it with airplanes because your Daddy works on planes and loves them and your papa flies them! I am trying to find a place where Daddy and I can walk you to the beach to play on the weekends...I also secretly want to take Friday's off work so we can play together...something I am working on but don't tell Daddy yet.

This is how little you were when we last saw you in June-
I can already see you've gotten bigger little buddy!

We can't wait to see you baby bear- just 9 more weeks until your Daddy gets there and then I will feel much calmer knowing both my loves are together again! And I don't think Daddy would even be able to write down how EXCITED he is to finally have you.

See you soon baby bear, we love you!!

Girlfriend Fail.

Remember that one time when you finally give in and show your boyfriend the blog.

And he reads everything you initially wrote about him and you feel like shit.

But- it had to be done so I don't feel like I'm living a double life with the man I love. Luckily it won't affect the integrity of my honesty here...I just said some not perfect things before we really got to know each other and feel like a jerk face.

However, I do tend to be more dramatic about these things then he does. He loves me.

It's only temporary as this little bloggy blog is getting a major re-design! New name! New format! New posts! So fun!

Hopefully getting some things for the big changes together this weekend- it's quite an undertaking.

xoxo

HL

Rough & Ready.

I suppose it's been a rough week.

I kept almost crying all the time and could NOT figure out why when I realized...

Well your great aunt died. The embassies are being attacked in the middle east and your boyfriend works as a MARINE at one in South America. Your phone died and when you bought a new temporary one it also died so now you have no phone to talk to said boyfriend. And to top it all off its hormonal girl week to boot. 

No wonder you are so fussy.

Finally broke down and poured myself a tall gin and tonic this evening.

Been letting myself have naps and even 2 diet cokes this week.

BUT we are getting excited for our fun Christmas plans as we prepare for my love to come HERE in only 11 weeks!! Right now the plan is for him to go home and see the baby bear and get the full custody papers and such in swing, come see me here the next week while we BANG and secure an apartment, then he'll go back to his family for 2 weeks for Christmas and I'll go out there the day after Christmas for a day or so before we all pile in his truck and drive to socal stopping in Phoenix along the way for new years and to visit his brother. Our first family trip! Of course we couldn't resist staying a few days in the hotel we stayed at when he came to visit me last year...and The Peabody in Memphis for my first night there like we did in June...we are such old romantics. I don't know what we are more excited about, getting to BANG after 6 months or just being next to each other. Even something as simple as getting to sleep in bed and wake up next to each other is SUCH a sweet precious thing to us.

So there are so many adventures to be had. I will taking a road trip from the deep south with a 2 year old and my long distance boyfriend to move into our apartment here together. And I am no longer worried about how we will get along or manage or whatever, just SO HAPPY! And...minorly stressed out about the logistics of everything...mostly having to do with money for it all and custody. We are both saving like crazy but my medical stuff was expensive. Getting custody will be expensive. Flights, hotels, gas, snacks and activities for my new 2 year old (eeee!!!)...all costs money. I suppose worrying about it now doesn't help anything. Constantly trying to learn that lesson of living in the present....

xoxo

HL

Worth It.

How do you know it's worth it?

After boyfriend and I have little arguments or "serious discussions" as I like to call them, we both walk away frustrated with ourselves, each other, and even somewhat panicky like "Oh jeez are they going to break up with me over this?!" or in my case, "Are we going to have to argue about this forever?! Do I really want this?!"

The Difference. 

After spending the weekend not getting to talk much due to our schedules we finally caught up Sunday evening and both came to the table with new talking points.

Me: I think I need to give up some control over inserting my opinions and solutions having to do you and baby mama. Someday I will get to have a bigger say but right now its the most stressful time between you two as you sort this out, and right now I think you are right in that I should back off.

Boyfriend: I've been thinking about how I make rash decisions without thinking them through and then you get frustrated with me. I attribute this to my military training, but I am going to work on it because I can see how it effects decisions I make in my life and upsets you.

The difference between the relationships that don't last and the ones that do is this: when you truly love someone and want it to work, you figure it out. You don't just throw in the towel and say screw it I'm finding someone else. Instead, you care enough to think about how you could be better in the situation. Try and make changes. Care.

Every time he does this with me I am shocked. I got a little teary eyed when he just started the conversation with, "so I've been thinking about what you said..."- I have a man who values me SO much he will do anything to not lose me. I know for a fact he's never been like this with any other woman...cared enough to make it work. And all of those words were before he went into his spiel about missing me so much and how distance really does make the heart grow fonder because everyday he realizes more and more how much he loves me. I know. I'm dying.

It's hard for me to wrap my head around all of this. I am not used to being loved by a man so completely in this way (but who is? Until you're lucky enough to meet the one you keep...). But I will admit, now that I've let this understanding of just choosing to make it work because you love the person...I am less afraid of living together. Afraid may not be the best word, worried perhaps is better. Less worried. We won't ruin everything and hate each other unless we let ourselves. Or realize the bad outweighs the good and it isn't worth it. Then maybe we'd go our separate ways. And it'd be ok.

But none of the fears I have will ever come to fruition unless we let them. And then we only have ourselves to blame when things fall a part.

Also, I've recently become obsessed with vanilla wafers and home made iced tea. I'd highly recommend both at the same time sitting outside.

xoxo

HL

It's All Happening.

Holy Crap.

It's September.

I turn into a mommy and pre-wife in 3 short months.

THREE MONTHS to buy all of our kitchen stuff...organize my shit in the garage...lose 30lbs...find an apartment...get a new car...prepare to be MUMMIFIED (yeah thats right- that just happened).

Perhaps not surprisingly I find myself flip flopping from being SO EXCITED to freaking out every other day. There's been more then one whine to boyfriend,

but I'm just afraid somethings going to happen and we are going to be stressed out and you're going to leave meeeeee

All said very fast and high pitched. To which he replies something to the tune of:

quit being crazy. I love you- ya nut. 

I think boyfriends should consider just recording this and replaying it for us every time we hit our crazy button again.

Nothing between us has gotten any less lovely, I think our long time a part just has me worrying if it will translate to when we are actually together again. Which is understandable. I was the same way before we saw each other in June but I remember being with him and our little buddy and could not remember EVER being that happy ever in my life. And it just lasted for days and days. The entire time we kept looking at each other and saying, "BABY- WE GET TO DO THIS FOREVER?!" Fast forward to us wisely choosing to live with each other once he's here...but now that we've been a part for 3 months...and have only 3 more months to go, of course the doubts on occasion are settling in. But whats worse is imagining us trying to manage the move and our lives and not be living together. After being a part for so long I can't imagine not waking up with him everyday, we've been starved of any physical affection for A YEAR. I somehow don't think I'll mind being flooded with it all at once...of course it'll be an adjustment, but a good one.

However, as much as I am dying for him to be here- I am trying to appreciate the last of my single lady status too. Enjoying getting ready in the morning quietly and with no one groping me the entire time (which although fun and hilarious, while trying to get out the door for work? Maybe not always), being able to do whatever I want to after work and on weekends and don't have to consult with anyone about it or arrange for child care, spending extra money on myself and not household or baby needs, etc.

Learning so many lessons about appreciating where I am in life at the present moments.

God has me at this job, living with my parents, waiting for my love...all for a reason.

Time to dig in and engage in everything happening around me instead of waiting for this magical time when my love will be here, we'll have our own place, some job thats not stressful and I love all at the same time! These things will all happen eventually, but I need to work on being happy where I am now. 

Gosh it's just so tough sometimes.

xoxo

HL

Why Hello Ms. Migraine.

I am not one to get migraines. In fact, if we are being honest I hide my female friends on Facebook who are always posting about having them. Not that I doubt they get them, but why are you constantly posting on Facebook about it? So now other peoples migraines tend to annoy me? This is getting weird.

Anyway, today upon waking after plenty of sleep I felt awful. Maybe it was because I haven't exercised for 2 days, or maybe it was the GIANT lobster lunch I had yesterday (it was amazing though, really)...either way my entire body hurt and I just couldn't snap out of this weird sleepy out of it feeling. To make a long story short, by about 12:30 despite my best efforts it came and conquered. To the point that I had to leave work and almost threw up crying all the way home. AWFUL.

This made me realize the truth behind it all:

Damn girl, you really are too stressed out. You need to calm the hell down. 

I can't pin point exactly what has been causing me to have such a hard time relaxing. But work has been really stressful and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, after telling my boss last week I was overwhelmed and almost cried in her office...this week I was somehow volunteered to take on another HUGE project management task?! Now not only is it more work I don't have time for, but it's more of the project management stuff instead of PRODUCT management which is more what I want to be doing (and was told I would be doing). Instead, I just feel like the development teams administrative assistant bitch just updating their work items, making spread sheets, planning meetings, BLEH. Product management is more creating products, talking to clients about what they want and turning it into documents and projects. Instead I am still having the projects handed to me and the developers, then end up just doing the admin for them while they are being worked on. My "to do" list is always super long and everything on it is important. So yes, work has been frustrating. Plus, SUPER BUSY AND CRAZY...which isn't always typical but for some reason just has been lately. I'm not the only one. We're all stressed out there right now. Hoping things will calm down soon...but soon is still nowhere to be found.

Ok but besides work, everything is fine? Of course being in a long distance relationship isn't easy and sometimes ends up being more draining trying to catch up with each other despite our schedules and the time change...but he fills my life with so much joy I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I don't know whats wrong exactly besides what I yelled crying home in the car today:

I just feel like work sucks up ALL of me and then I have nothing left for myself, friends, family, or anything!!! WAHHHHH.

So I have been exercising and relaxing in the evenings and weekends to try and offset my busy week days. Attempting to eat healthy most of the time. Take my vitamins. Etc. Somedays are better then others.

And no, unfortunately I can't blame hormones.

But speaking of hormones...Today I went for my yearly gyno and got started on the process of getting my IUD! WOOHOO! Found out some pretty awesome (and some not awesome) things about it including 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, good for up to 5 years, as soon as its removed you are fertile again, and after a few weeks or months of spotting you get maybe 2 periods a year with it!!! Plus my insurance will pay for a lot of it, plus if bf splits it with me then thats the cheapest 5 year birth control I've ever heard of!

However. Tipped the scales at the doctors today. Back up to 200lbs. HOLY CRAP HOW DID THAT HAPPEN. Now a little of that can be bloating and the ridiculous lobster lunch yesterday...but not much.

SO this weekend has been dedicated to...wait for it...

COOKING.

Yeah I know. Not very fun. BUT I just printed the August low fat/weight watchers menu from Once A Month Mom and did all of my shopping and veggie cutting last night and it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was actually kind of nice to do something I enjoy (shopping and cooking) without being tired, crabby, and starving after work (bonus! everything for almost an entire month only cost $120 BOOM!). However, today is the big cooking day so we'll see how that goes. As weird as this sounds I feel like I am preparing to be a mom this weekend. I found their menu for a month of toddler friendly foods and bookmarked it for when my boys get here, then got SUPER excited about their healthy kid friendly options (little Mac n Cheese cups! Home made french toast sticks! Corn dog cups! Come on, how can that not be SO cute). And I have to say, boyfriend lets me tell him all about it and I think just continues to fall more in love with me as I've opened my entire heart to not just him- but his mini me too.

And the more I think about it, the more I know God has been preparing me for this. For this man and this little bear. The girl who loves children and finds "raising" them effortless and enjoyable. Who wanted to adopt a bunch of babies. Not every girl would be able to jump into something like this...especially with all of the baby mam drama (which has been non existant lately btw, as we wait for her to get subpoenaed). And I am NOT perfect and struggle sometimes with different aspects of my life I am going to be giving up...but especially after spending a week with those two in June- it really is going to just be wonderful. Different. But wonderful.

In fact, you should probably be following my New House pin board here. IT'S AWESOME and most everything on there I AM going to get, so its not as much an inspiration board as it is a book mark of purchases to make board (hehe).

More to come later after the epic cooking day...boyfriend has made some interesting future life career choices known to me which has left me struggling to say the least.

Enjoy your Sunday.

xoxo

HL

A Home of Ones Own (Big News!)

Well some lovely things have occurred!! 

After not hearing from the potential room mates all week. And boyfriend beginning the paperwork for his extra off base pay he gets a month before he starts work January 10th, and again hinting, "well you could just live with meeeeeee". I finally made the decision I am sure you all knew was coming (but I didn't!!).

This winter, boyfriend and I have decided to live together. 


I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

But heres what happened. I thought through the backlog of reasons I had for not wanting to...and realized I was being kind of ridiculous. So in an effort to explain myself, here are the reasons I initially didn't want to and how I rebutted them in the end (yay adult self).

Reason 1: If we live together our parents won't approve and we don't want to be disrespectful.
Over the last few weeks oddly enough both of our parents have separately suggested we consider living together to save money, help with baby cake, and prepare financially for our future. Just now I told my parents and they were a little worried about how things were going to go with the recent baby mama drama which is understandable, but then my mother said "well, I would prefer if you didn't live together" just based on their old school values to which I replied, "yeah well I'm almost 28...not 20...and an adult so..."


Reason 2: My friends and family won't take it as seriously when we get engaged and married.
This one is funny since it just suddenly occurred to me that I take ALL of my friends weddings seriously and am SO EXCITED about them pledging their love for a lifetime together if they lived together for 2 weeks before or 2 years before...so this is a ridiculous reason. AND the only reason we're waiting to get married is that bf wants his two best friends there who are deployed until spring 2014 and we want to save money so we can have an awesome wedding. Perfectly valid reasons. Plus, if people want to be judgmental they dont have to come. People who really love you - aren't judgmental.


Reason 3: Boyfriend will already be adjusting to a new city, new job, having his son full time, and being back in America. I don't want to add another stressful element and risk ruining something between us. 
Now this one was very legit and my main reason for not wanting to live together before we were at least engaged (knowing I'd be engaged by the spring...so literally a few months after he gets here...hahaha). I told boyfriend this again recently and he really just laid it out for me. Made it so simple. Don't you think if anything it'd make it easier for me to adjust...having you to come home to?Already if I've had a bad day I call and talk to you about it and calm down...now you will get to actually BE THERE. And it'd make our lives less stressful because we'd be saving money, not having to go back and forth, and you'd always be around to help with baby bear" etc. 


He was right.


When I let myself actually think about living with him? SO EXCITED. And when I vetted "the worst that can happen"...oh darn we break up and I have to move out? It would be hard, but come on, I have an adult job and can do my own thing if I need to. I have found learning to think and live co-dependently with him has been much harder then when its just me. Difficult for me to let go of my "I'm a strong single woman!" security blanket.


The hardest part actually wasn't telling my parents who hear me talk to him for hours every night, see how happy I am everyday, hear about our wedding plans, and met him when he was here in January. Nope, the hardest part was telling the girls. My girls who have never met or even talked to him I know must worry. I get so anxious thinking about what they must think about my "crazy" decision...but know its just their perspective. And its a valid one. Just from a place of love. And that they want the best for me. Plus they don't really ever say it outright in their out loud voice, so I know they are trying. I know everyone will love him though. I am genuinely not worried about it at all. And it seems so normal to bf and I to just jump right into all the social things I already do with everyone...we forget how everyone else is going to feel having never met him or spent time with us together. In a nutshell, its as awesome as I am alone...10x more awesome somehow. We have SO MUCH fun.

So since we decided yesterday (don't know how I made it through work all day) I've been looking at places we'll be able to afford now with both of our incomes, how much we'll be able to save each month (OMG SO MUCH), and made a big list of all the things we already have and a list of things we need to for sure get before we move in, then a list of things we can get soon after but aren't imperative. TOLD YOU I was getting my life organized. Now that I've decided to "sacrifice" and live at home for a few more months the money I get to save I can put toward all the things we need...the trip we want to take...paying off debt...savings...OH MAN! PLUS the thought just occurred to me that if we move somewhere walking distance to a train station I can take public transit to work everyday and we could live with one car to save even more money.

SOME STUFF HAPPENED AND I BECAME AN ADULT.


But besides money. Of course we are all lovey dovey about everything too. Waking up with him everyday...eating dinner together...talking in person, instead of skype...even just getting to watch movies together and snuggle. We don't take anything for granted. Simple things like that are so special to us because we haven't really been able to do them much over the last year. Plus all of our plans for trips to Palm Springs, Vegas, Arizona to visit his brother, Europe, Belize, Brazil...we have a long list that's completely doable to us. Even with baby bear. I am so happy.

I feel like everything was so hard for so long with my mom being sick, not being able to find work, money stress, family deaths, frustrated with my relationships with men. Just so many things. I am SO HAPPY now but struggle to ignore the nagging "don't get used to this. Its going to suck again soon". I am finally beginning to let it go and realize...life doesn't have to be horrible...it can be ok and awesome...life can really truly be beautiful. Not going to lie, boyfriend has helped a lot. Not because I finally have a real one...but more because I know when the shit storm does come again I have the emotional and financial support just in case. Security. But again, accepting it after being "single independent woman!" for so long is happening slowly.

Gosh, I should probably start writing more again.

xoxo

HL

Sweet Things.

Oh my how the summer has just flown by. I can't believe its already almost August and the summer ending sales have begun. I will be sad to see the summer months go, but always look forward to September and October when the tourists leave and our real locals-only summer begins. Plus I can't lie that autumn and the impending change in weather just reminds me I am only 4 months away from my love being here with me forever and that is more than enough to keep me thrilled.

Of course theres been drama, wouldn't be dating a man with a baby mama and not have drama to talk about. Most recently it would appear that she stole boyfriends identity to get a cell phone and didn't pay the bill so when he tried to apply for a credit card and got denied...he was hit was a $2000 bill he didn't even know about. So theres a warrant out for her arrest. Which means if she gets pulled over for anything she'll be pulled in, and if any job or place run a check on her it will come up. Either way when it comes time to go to court in the winter and get custody- we can now for sure count on a win. I say this all with a heavy heart because...who wants to have to go through this? Its been so stressful for both of us, tough to stick with our decision to file the police report, and of course we always worry about baby cake. We're now really wondering if she's on drugs because of the constant lying and stealing...and hate having to HOPE she gets pulled in so boyfriend can come home and we can rescue that little bug. His family have been really helpful checking in with the little guy and already plan on having him stay with them if needed, so at least theres that. But its just a lot to take in. And always a lot for me to sign up for. But we push on and continue to make sweet plans for our future together once they are here. We can't believe we're down to four months. It's been over a year since I met him and we first gallivanted in Bratislava together. So other than her drama, we're always ok and happy and in love and can't wait to really start our lives together.

Lately boyfriend and I have even had baby fever! Even though I am on the pill, when our condoms broke while in Mississippi (like 4 of them, really?!) we got a bit "worried". Mostly because of the obvious, he already has a very unplanned son who although is the light of his life, would rather not have happen again. Then when I didn't get my period of course we were a bit more worried. But oddly enough, we started to let ourselves actually think about it and then being afraid turned into, "actually, that'd be awesome!" He wants a big family and I think is more ready than I am for one, probably because hes already got the ball rolling with baby bear and I have to admit...that little buddy IS awesome and made both of us crave more cakes together. Finally I just took a test that eased my mind and we both felt such a mix of emotions. We were glad that this wasn't how we had to have a baby...him being gone, not married yet, havent been together that long, etc. But also kind of sad because we'd finally let ourselves get a little excited. I am getting an IUD before he gets back so no more issues with condoms breaking and stress about it until we're really ready...at least not until we're married in 2 years. But hes so hilarious about it all, "well I am from the south, if we like something we knock it up obviously!" hehehe. It didn't help that yesterday my aunt and uncle had their baby!!!!

Isn't he so perfect?!?! A miracle I tell you! Obviously I sang him songs. I dont know why my face looks like I just woke up in the picture...oh yeah I do, because I drank 5+ gin and tonics the day before in the pool- win. 

After two horrible traumatic pregnancies before this one, all of us were holding our breath until he was out and ok and perfect. Everyone got a bit emotional. Hes already so sweet, doesn't even cry when hes hungry. He woke up toward the end so we got to see his big grey eyes and move around his little lips looking for dinner. Obviously this did not help said baby fever. 

But I am not ready- I want to do my career and travel more, enjoy my time with boyfriend before our lives change forever. So we'll put baby fever to rest for now and pick back up in 2 years after theres a ring on it...and my work will cover maternity leave. 

In other news, I went to look at a room in a house in my favorite part of north county yesterday! Two other professional people my age in a cute 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom granny flat type of thing. My room would be a little odd with almost all windows and no real closet...but its a BIG place, everything is fully furnished by them in the shared spaces, none of the rooms connect to each other so theres a lot of privacy, and theres a huge backyard with legit fruit trees and a BBQ area. Bella would even have a little doggie buddy and doggie door so she could just frolic and play. Really great opportunity- I hope they liked me. Only caveat is that I know they interviewed like 8 people the day of...so who knows what other awesome people there were. So we'll see. For now I am just saving money and not stressing about it, if it works out it works out, if not then I'll just save and keep paying off debt until I find another good fit. Sometimes living with boyfriend when he gets back is SO appealing. And he really really wants me to. And MY PARENTS and HIS PARENTS even suggested we do it to save money! OUR conservative parents!! Ridiculous. I am just genuinely worried with his adjustment to his old job, being back in America and a new city, having baby full time, AND THEN adding a live in girl friend suddenly? Just seems like recipe for "how to end a perfectly good relationship in 1 easy step". But then he brought up the point last night, "but babe, don't you think it would help me to have you around supporting me? Helping me with getting things together? Helping me with little buddy? I dont see how anything bad could happen!". We'll see what happens. If I get this place I'm taking it, if not and I dont find anything else by then I might reconsider once he puts a ring on it. 

And so we conclude. More updates to come on if I get the place and what happens with cray.

Until then,

xoxo

HL

Mrs. Needy Pants.

As I've mentioned before, coming back home after my sweet time with Mr. Boyfriend has been tough. It's been almost a month and I still find myself tearing up in the car on the way home from something he should have been at with me. Or at these countless summer weddings I find myself at. Even couples being affectionate with each other tightens this growing knot in my chest. It wasn't this bad before I saw him and we had such a perfect time together. It was 8 unbelievable days of, "we get to do this for the rest of our lives?!" And then back to the reality of his internet not working...or the phones being down...now the mail isn't working...I have to wait for him to call and if I miss it then thats it- because I can't call him back. We make it work and talk everyday unless something odd happens and we're both busy. But it never feels like enough. We'll fall asleep talking and wake up missing each other already. It's hard to explain. But it hurts. And 5 more months feels like years. I just want this part to be over. I guess being on the downhill has its disadvantages- seeing the finish line make it feel farther.

Tuesday night was rough. Due to our busy schedules (and the catch 22 of me trying to stay busy so I don't get sad, but then end up missing evenings usually spent talking to him) Tuesday evening rolled around and we hadn't gotten to talk for more then ten minutes here and there since Sunday. I was getting happy hour and then going out with friends when he calls. We were both drunk and SO EXCITED to talk even just for a few minutes until he tells me what he spent his day doing. I am missing him ALL DAY and usually we talk on the phone or chat at work but I hadn't heard from him. Then he tells me he spent the day watching "our show" with another female friend of his and drinking Slovak beer with her. I lost it. Not in a jealous way because I know they are totally just friends, but just in a why is that not me right now?! I HATE THIS- way. I outright told him I was jealous but was glad he was hanging out with someone since he doesn't really get along with anyone else there after his friend had to leave. THEN the next night he spent talking to her at a party they were hosting all night too. I know they're just friends but I told him this wasn't going a good direction. "Girls are crazy babe, even if you keep talking about your awesome girlfriend, don't flirt, and think you're just chillin it's not like that. She's going to think you're into her in a few weeks if you keep hanging out like this. I guarantee it." Come on- you know I'm right.

I chose not to stress about this. I know he loves me and doesn't think of her like that. It still has bothered me but I pretended like it didn't.

It took one day.

One day and I get:

"Hey baby, I've been thinking....and I am going to limit how much time I spend with this girl so she doesn't get the wrong idea. Because I love you don't want to mess this up. Ok?"

I was in Target at the time. I had to stop walking and teared up.

What did I do to deserve this man again? Who knows all of my needs without me having to say a word? Who loves me SO MUCH he is in a foreign country and still won't take risks. Who calls me when he gets home from going out so I know he's not with some girl. How am I this lucky again?

xoxo

HL

And To The South We Went.

Well I am not completely sure where to begin. 

Everything. Was. Perfect. 

Ok, well not everything...but the important things were. 

We got to a rocky start with my flight having been booked for Friday morning instead of Saturday morning as we both thought...and LITERALLY almost not being able to even go (thank God for airline miles). Plus a hiccup with the rental car on his end being an extra $600 we hadn’t budgeted for. And some fun baby mama drama thrown in just for good measure. 

HOWEVER.

Besides all of that, it was genuinely the best week of my life. And the happiest I think I’ve been in a very very long time. 

So lets just start at the beginning. 

The Arrival:

What greeted me at the airport! DREAMY. 

I can’t explain to people never having been in long distance relationships the fear and genuine concern over how the reunion will go every time. Of course you talk to them for hours everyday and love them so much, but all of those doubts come up the days before you’re going to see them. And the moments before are just like butterflies all over your body Will he still think I’m pretty? Will it be awkward? Did I get fat? Does my breathe smell? The list goes on. But as soon as I saw him waiting for me at baggage claim in his full uniform (a surprise for me hehe), it was like every fear, anxiety, concern...just disappeared. And there was my best friend, favorite person in the entire world, and the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen just waiting for me smiling as wide as I was. I may have teared up kissing him and touching his face for the first time after 5 months (but don’t tell bf that). And then just like that- we were walking hand in hand back to our car like no time had passed at all. In fact he even said on the way, “You know its funny, I missed you so much, but now that you’re here...I feel like I just saw you yesterday...and we’re here on vacation together” He was right. It was like we’d never been a part. 

Meet The Family:

Not only was this a big trip of us seeing each other after so long, but also because I was going to meet his family and son. AND by the way- the only girl to ever do that (besides baby mama...which was by force...and everyone hates her...so...yeah). We picked up the Baby Cake and went over to his parents for Sunday lunch. I got to meet his sweet country parents and one of his sisters, brother-in-law, and nephew. Can I gush about Baby Cake for a minute? Because OMG. He spent almost the entire trip with us...besides my first and last night, and the 2 days we were in Memphis. I went into everything thinking it was going to be stressful, busy, and hard for us to not only try and be a couple, but now be a couple with a 1.5 year old. Oh boy was I wrong! We had A BLAST with that baby! He has this super sweet and tender personality like his daddy and just loved boyfriend so much he wouldn’t even let him put him down for the first 2 days. We would just hang out in the hotel room in the mornings, got him some toys and I brought him some books with noise buttons on them. Just snuggled all up on the bed playing, reading books, singing songs, messing around...SO MUCH FUN. One afternoon I took him swimming while Daddy took a much needed nap- I think I died of awesomeness!!! Turns out, being a mom isn’t that bad and is actually kind of amazing when you have a sweet baby! Plus boyfriend and I have the same parenting style and easy going personality, so it made everything go pretty smoothly. Baby Cake wasn’t perfect and of course had his moments, but it was always fine. In fact, the times we didn’t have him we totally missed him and would talk about him a bunch the entire time!

His parents and family were very nice too. Just good ol sweet southern folks. I got the full southern hospitality with a GIANT Thanksgiving style lunch on Sunday and more delicious food thereafter. We spent the first few days there in the evenings with the baby and just all hung out together watching movies...playing with him...boyfriend took me for a little walk around their big property (I saw a herd of cows!) and taught me how to shoot a gun (not at the cows)...just an all around sweet and relaxing time. Oh, and Boyfriend said his parents loved me of course. Apparently this morning his momma said to boyfriend, “So she’s the one huh?”- to which of course he replied yes. Teehee. 

Adventures Had:

In the afternoons when we had the baby we just did small things around Tupelo and ran errands he needed to do while home on leave. One day we went to where Elvis was born and got to see his little house, church, and a cool museum. Another day he just drove me the slow way around the town on the way to his parents so I could see the little towns, pretty houses, forest, country, etc (its beautiful there by the way). My last day we went to the Natchez Trail which is this old trading route from Tupelo to Nashville thats not a state park with a little museum and such. And one day we just went to a neighboring city with the air force base so he could renew his military ID and the baby and I played outside and watched the planes. I got to see a lot of the area and we just spent time together in the car singing along to the radio, eating junk food, and being SUPER silly all day. Easy. 

Our first family breakfast with the book I got him that he wouldn't put down :)

Snuggling at Elvis's Birthplace. We had such a good time.

On Wednesday we went to Memphis to go to Graceland and that night he had a big surprise planned for me that he’s been playing for months now. It may have taken us like 4 hours to get there because our directions were wrong and it may have included having to pull over and ask a policeman where to go, ending up in Arkansas on an exit with only a shack for fireworks and a turn with arrows pointing TO each other, and finally seeing the signs telling us where to go to which we both responded “FUCK YOU ELVIS! YOUR HOUSE SUCKS BALLS! YOU LYING WHORE” and since we’d missed our ticket pick up time and were afraid we’d get rejected boyfriend responded, “if they tell us we can’t get in, I swear I’m going to...I don’t know...fart in their little window and then hold it shut!!!”. UM YEAH, it was hilarious. Finally we got there, and I must say, we had a great time. The house was super cool and interesting, basically just a big party house with kooky themed rooms. And then there were all these extra things with his costumes and items from movies, concerts, his wedding, all the awards, concert footage...it was really well done. And then an entirely other area where we got to go inside his planes and see all the cars he had. Boyfriend loved it too! We just had so much fun being together, I think having something cool to do was just a big added bonus. 

For a late lunch we found a patio with two old black guys singing the blues and drinks and BBQ were to be had. It was the only day with perfect weather. And we sat outside drinking, eating delicious food, listening to good music, and being happy. 

Outside Graceland

Drinks and live blues outside in perfect weather with the love of my life.
I think I was shooting rainbows out of somewhere. 

The Big Surprise:

After Graceland he took me to my surprise. He arranged it all to go along with our official anniversary. Plus it happened to be a few days before we met a year ago in Bratislava, and almost his birthday. Plus just the fact that we were together- we had so much to celebrate. We drove into downtown Memphis and pulled up to this beautiful hotel called The Peabody, which is apparently super famous as being the place to be in the delta area. It was a big old hotel from the 1800’s with stained glass, fountains, old elevators, doorman, just this amazing gorgeous vintage hotel I DIED for alone. THEN I found out theres ducks who live in the fountain in the lobby that made the hotel even more famous because tourists come just to watch the march of the ducks everyday. So we go to our room, and not only is it HUGE but then I am greeted with champagne and flowers and an itinerary of the rest of our evening! Then we got into our big cozy bed and exchanged gifts. Prepare yourself.

HE GAVE ME A TIFFANY’S HEART LOCKET WITH A SELF WRITTEN POEM FOR A CARD. 

YEP. 

JUST TAKE THAT IN.

SPOILED. 

In exchange I gave him a pretty great gift for his birthday of a framed authentic signed Jerry Rice picture...which is his IDOL and he had the same reaction to his gift as I did to mine. Shock. Eyes welled up. Couldn’t talk. Just kept saying “I love you so much” over and over again. It was pretty sweet to say the least!!!

After some hot sex we took a nap and got woken up by VIP turn down service...which we were already in the bed...so I just took the chocolate dipped strawberries and cakes instead so we could have them with our champagne while we got ready for our hot date!  There was a hotel mix up with the restaurants, so instead of the French place we ended up at the Italian place. My man in his gorgeous blues and me looking like a perfect 10. Everyone down there love and deeply respect the military, so people were just randomly coming up to us and thanking him for his service, wishing us a good night, etc. We had some kind of weird deal with the hotel for the dinner, so we ordered crab cakes, surf n turf and a big fancy bottle of wine. Then they and they ended up bringing us extra lobster and the manager came by at the end to let us know our entire meal was taken care of!!! This is what I’m saying! 

What I got to look at all night. Who loves ME dearly. 

     

Then we went to Beale Street, which just walking down the street continued to get us attention, and landed at BB Kings to listen to a blues band. We had just sit down when a nice guy came up, thanked boyfriend for his service, offered to buy us drinks and added us to his tab for the rest of the night! Needless to say we got wasted. 

I suppose I am leaving out a key part to this epic evening. The entire night we’d be sitting across from each other, holding hands across the table, staring into each others eyes and smiling big goofy lovey dovey smiles. Every time someone came up to serve us (or buy us free drinks) they’d say “sorry to interrupt” because it was so clear we were just constantly having these moments all night. I asked him about that night later and he said he remembers just thinking over and over again how much he loved me and how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with me. I die. 

Then he slow danced with me old school style. 

Are you floating yet? 

Don’t forget the part of the evening when we drunkenly stumbled back to the room, he turned on this kooky 80’s song we laugh at all the time that has a dance to it, got naked and danced around the room to the song before collapsing in bed all snuggled up for the rest of the night. Didn’t even have sex, just passed out drunk. Oh man, we’re awesome. 

After a big breakfast brunch (where I tried grits for the first time!) we went to Oxford to see Ole Miss and the cute little town before heading back to Tupelo. 

Yeah, sorry if you threw up, but it was perfect. And I deserved it. 

Documenting our ballin room before breakfast. He's so dreamy! 

                                       

Drama:

Of course there was baby mama drama...she hasn’t been paying for day care even though he sends her money...they got into it when we were dropping off the baby the night before we went to Memphis...cue Jerry Springer scene screaming at each other in a gas station parking lot while she’s holding the baby and I’m awkwardly sitting in the car. She’s literally a crazy person. And wrapping my head and heart around having to deal with this shit for the rest of my life is taking time. But I tell him when and why Im upset and we try and work on it...hopefully in a few years things will calm down and be easier. Who knows. I don’t want to talk about it anymore, it was really hard for me and frustrating for both of us. It’ll be ok someday. 

Lovey Dovey:

The second day we were making out before getting up and he looks at me and says, “so when do we get to have a baby?”. WHAT MAN SERIOUSLY ASKS YOU THAT! I laughed and brushed it off, but he was serious. I think being around Ben made us both want to have one of our own sooner then later...so we’re thinking wedding next year and then a year later try for babies. I’ll be 28 or 29...seems about right. 

Another day he told me, 

“Is it weird that I just had to try really hard not to ask you to marry me earlier today?”

- This is what I’m saying. (Don't worry, I replied you better have a ring first sucka)

And randomly when we were being really sweet...or funny...silly...etc. he would turn to me and say, 

“I just can’t wait to do this forever with you!” 

But the last night was maybe one of the best. He got us this big fancy room at ANOTHER hotel in Tupelo with a HUGE ballin hot tub in the room on a pedestal next to the bed. It was amazing! We’d had some drinks with his friends before (who all loved me thank you very much), and then put on our songs and got into the big tub to snuggle. While we were making out he tells me in between kisses, “I love you so much. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Have kids with you. Get old with you. Just everything.” I almost cried, but held it together until we got into bed and I knew if we had sex I’d just start crying- and that’d be horrible- so I told him and he said. “Oh baby, do you just want me to hold you and we’ll just go to sleep?” So we did. (don’t worry he woke me up kissing my back and telling me he loved me at 5am...a regular occurrence...and we had some sex then. In case you were concerned)

So all of that to say.

I have officially found the love of my life. And he loves me back. And we’re going to live happily ever after (whatever that looks like in the real world). I just love love. 

Note: This realization was not without a break down on our anniversary night, I am not that perfect. But I shall write about that at another time. 

Last moments before we departed for another 5 months. Sigh. 

Until Next Time.

xoxo

HL