Happenings

A lot has been happening, but nothing super exciting quite yet so I havent updated. First of all, I changed the background on here for a little switch up, created a twitter account, and added a counter to see how much my blog is being viewed. WHEW! 51 people in just a few days! A few of those were myself installing the changes...but otherwise, you guys are awesome! Who are you reader? Do you know me or are you strangers admiring from afar? Either way, I love you. Keep reading. Things are about to get even more interesting.

So. Something happened today. I may or may not have re-signed up for the free online dating site I met Number 2 and the other guys I dated last fall on. Besides the occasional set backs...I am really getting over him and think some dates with other men would do me some good. Plus, before the dates comes the awkward messages from boys exclaiming, "your really beautiful" and such...I can certainly deal with some of that. hehe. I sat looking at the welcome page for a really long time before actually creating my profile. So many memories. And it hurt to have to admit that I was going to date someone else. But it really is time. For now its just an in between until I can afford to join match.com which I heard is more legitimate. So what does this mean? It means more drama. enjoy.

Also: I had an interview for a job today! yay! Its just for a Tuesday/Friday job with a cute little itty bitty baby and a 5 year old. She loved me and wasn't shy about it, but said she was interviewing another woman who had tons of infant experience. But I still have a chance if our personalities match better then the other ladies. Plus, Im a teacher...and they are too...they loved that. Hopefully her friend will have other days for me M/T/W so I can fill my week. Please Jesus! I need a job so...

Im might moving out!!! Ok, its not totally official yet. But Annie and Sara want to move out of their place...I want to move...and uncles condo is available 2 blocks from the beach and 2 blocks from fun things in our little beach city. SO us 3 girls and Hammy the Hamster and Bella my doggie are looking to move in mid September into the little 2 bedroom! However, first and formost I need a job asap. And we need to check it out and make sure the 3 of us could live there without killing each other. Plus, its right by the train that goes by at 5am...I dont think its that bad and we'll get used to it...but still. Again, please Jesus give me a job!

In other news, me and Annie have been enjoying watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy the last few nights. Teen Jeopardy to be exact. And I totally dominate. We're turning into old women.

lovelove.

Wedding

So today T & C got married! Sooooo T is Cassies ex bf...and T's brother is my ex bf...so it was kind of weird going in. I was nervous. The people there were weird, to say the least. BUT they had open bar with wine and beer and mixers (if you had a flask...which of course I did) and I looked pretty fricken hot, so I felt ok for the most part. However...after a few glasses of wine the "why am I alone?!" and "why doesnt he love me?!" started up again and I almost cried a few times during the reception. Yeah...I was that girl. Poor Annie...she kept catching me staring into space being a psycho and wondering if I was ok. Nope, not ok...but I will be someday, hopefully. Then this happened:

Me: note to self: dont go to a wedding without a date where ur ex bf is with his gf. I feel bad about myself:(
Number 2: why
me: weddings make single girls with their ex bfs and their gfs in attendance feel ugly and like theyll be alone forever. I wish i was allowed to bring a date and make you be nice to me for a night. annnnnd Im drunk so sorry if im offensive in any way at this time.
Number 2: they are all jealous that u have a rockin smile and...*****
me: valid point. thanks.

me (later): do you not love me because Im not good at sex? I wonder this almost everyday
Number 2: no. because im selfish and didnt see a great thing and beauty in front of me
me: u break my heart everyday.

sorry Im a failure girls and texted him all drunk like. I AM THE WORST. I really do wonder if Im not good at sex and thats why things are the way they are...I wonder whats wrong with me and why he doesnt love me...I wonder how I could have been better...if I was skinnier...when Im sane I know that I did nothing wrong. That Im awesome and beautiful. That he chose the GMAT and grad school over me and thats why Im so hurt. That I made the right decision ending things because he wasn't treating me right. That I am worth more than that. But weddings and wine and ex boyfriends make it so damn difficult to be sane.


Annie and Jordan looking HOT



Me and the GROOM! Love it!



"Its just hard to go to a wedding and go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend and his new girl there"- Me
"yeah, but your not alone, your with your girls!"- Cassie



Love them

The Conversation.

Interaction with Hotty McNeighbor.

This is how it went according to me:

him: hey! your looking good!
me: YOUR looking good!



Actual conversation according to Annie who witnessed said event:

him: hey! you again!
me: YOUR looking good!

Besides that, apparently this morning Annie and the roomies all witnessed him walking a girl down the stairs on her walk of shame and then he turned back to flash all my friends a huge smile. Soooooo pretty sure this ones not going anywhere. I even considered "lowering" my standards for someone who isnt necessary SO super hot, but seemed sweet and like he would be nice to me so it was ok (think, Shes out of your League...not, damn this girls a bitch). Apparently even when I do that it doesn't work out.

In other news, Number 2 keeps calling, texting, and IMing me. And of course its NEVER the conversation I want it to be, "I miss you, I want to be with you, Im sorry, Im going to change because your worth it". No. of course not. Its always to just talk about his stupid GMAT or grad school or something...which ok, I do care about his life...thats just not the conversation I want him to call me about. And then lately I went to see Inception with a male friend of mine, and Number 2 got all fussy because apparently he wanted to see it with me and acted like we're movie buddies...which we were...WHEN I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME AND WANTED TO BE WITH ME. But now? I'm supposed to just wait around for him to invite me to things? so frustrating. and its even harder because I still have feelings for him. I still really want to have sex, and only with him. I still want to move somewhere with him. I still...want to marry him...ok, still (love) him. But dont tell me that, because Im getting over it. Slowly but surely. Its just really hard when he keeps calling and flirting with me all the time.

dear boys, as usual...you suck.

The Makeout

So, yes I'm going through a post-my heart is broken-I am so lonely-time in my life. And yes, this means I flirt with any cute and single boy and have made out with 2 stranger boys in like...3 weeks. Which isn't totally uncommon for some girls my age, but for me and many other girls my age, it is. Recall Hotty McNeighbor boy who lives upstairs from Annie...who never asked for my number...and whom I've seen twice since then and he always says hi and "good to see you!" and whatever...but still hasn't asked for my number or invited me or us to come and hang out. And note, we didn't JUST make out...we talked the entire evening about a variety of things...he even used the line, "so...what do you like in a guy?" (BTW is this a line or is this legit? I feel like hes not cool enough to pull a line like that)...and, "this is so funny, dont people usually try not to talk about politics and religion on the first date? and here we are." so there was some reference about this resembling a first date. we talked all evening and only made out for the last...oh...30 minutes on and off. So it wasn't just a drunken kiss fest (like the brazilian;). So now I am wondering...girls, are we doing this backward? Are we making out with boys BEFORE an actual date and then expecting something afterwards? I mean, its not sex so its not at all the same...but maybe my problem was expecting something from this. I mean, kissing Brazilian in the night club was one thing...of course I don't expect anything from that...but kissing a boy you chatted with all night and was super into you is totally another, right?

I accidentally told my mom we didn't just talk all night, that we also made out...she was so concerned it was so cute. "Now aren't you taking things backwards? I mean...you don't want to appear...loose" Yeah...actual words of my mother. HIlarious. (Especially since I was the opposite of "loose" when someone wanted something more but this someone said, "NO, Im a lady!")

But culturally nowadays does the make out come before the dates or vice versa? Does it matter? Should I stop making out with boys I actually want to date me? How do we feel about turning my brain off and just seeing what happens? Because GOOD LORD I get tired of overanalyzing.

PS update on events:
-did P90X with Annie yesterday right around quitting time with all the windows and doors open just in case SOME PERSONS decided to come home while we were kicking and punching all sweaty-like.

-the one room mate we DIDNT make out with asked Annie to sew on his button just now (so cute) and then invited us to the races with them this evening. But it was more of a "we're going to the races, you should come!" invite...which doesn't really count. And wasn't from either said boys. Plus I have awesome plans tonight I do not plan on breaking.

-Told Annie to be brave and invite them for a BBQ tomorrow night since they have a BBQ and we have a patio and we've already discussed the marriage that should take place. We'll see what happens.

Until next time...

lovelove.

Negligee, Chapter Titles, & FB stalkers.

A Couple of Things

Due to my recent unemployment I've been having a love affair with magazines...ReadyMade, Elle, Glamour, Relevant, Interview, W, and the 2 I got from the library for 50cents Harpers Bazaar and Cosmo. Now, I have never really been into Cosmo...it seemed so trite, over sexualized, and low class compared to say...Elle. But oh man, for some reason after this random issue I picked up I am totally in love! It was like hanging out with my really fun girl friends talking about sex, health, fashion, and even unemployment and relationships...plus it was such an easy read I could just turn my brain off and enjoy. So this issue had this big article on things to do when your feeling blah...or something like that...one of them was about getting ready naked in your room and leaving the windows open...or some such, not all the time, just when you want to feel a little sexy and naughty. I get ready naked anyway with the windows kind of open, so instead I decided to try something else fun. Wearing my sexy negligee to garden in my semi private back yard, take out the trash in the front, when I let the dog go the the bathroom in the front. I wear them to bed and around the house, but I used to put on a sweater or sweat pants when I went outside. Not yesterday! Yesterday was a good day! I recommend you trying it.

Yesterday Micah and I were discussing what determines success in a relationship and how it should be a chapter in our book.I've been thinking a lot about it. Is it how the relationship was DURING or how it ended? If its based on how it ended then most of us would have failures unless we're married...but if its based on how it was DURING...how he made you feel, how you grew, a sweet friendship you got out of it, reaching a new level of intimacy in your heart, being in love and all the joy that comes with it, or just getting some good hot sex...then maybe a "successful" relationship isn't determined by how it ends. I've been thinking a lot about this. Maybe us girls need to redefine how we look at our past relationships. Maybe they didnt all end well, but was the ride worthwhile? Reminds me of the quote I have on a cute postcard in my room,


Today I logged into my FB and surprise! A new stalker awaited me! I had a message with the subject line being "wow..."
here is the message:
"I was looking at who was going to the SD Bike Polo event and... well... I didn't mean to facebook creep you, but your pic really caught my eye. So, excuse me for being forward. Wow... you have a very captivating look."

So this guys profile says hes from Az, which makes no sense why he would message me if he actually wanted to meet...so it appears to just be a really nice stalker. Plus, he was kinda cute.

Thank God for random boys who boost your self esteem.

lovelove.

Hotty McNeighbor

So just when I think my self esteem couldn't get any worse, boys start falling in love with me at every turn! And keep telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and a sweetheart! What do I even do with that?!

The events: So Annie has a not-so-secret crush on one of the boys who live above her...imagine an apartment full of boys our exact age who are all manly and build things and such...so naturally she got drunk and baked them cookies. And naturally they invited us up for drinks and to hang out. And naturally Annie continued to get drunk to the point that she was a crazy person, and I was pretty much sober after just a few glasses of wine...so she was the crazy fun silly one and I was the witty sexy mysterious one. A role which I play well. So while Annies trying to get all up in the grill of her crush, I just talked and flirted with the other 3 boys who live there. Lo and behold they all pretty much LOVED me, they kept complimenting me and wanting me to stay even if Annie peaced out. The drunk one kept calling me a sweetheart and beautiful and kissed my cheek a few times, haha. Honestly, it was EXACTLY what I needed. One in particular, lets call him Hotty McNeighbor, couldn't keep his eyes off me. And then started sitting real close...then put his arm around me...then put his hand on my leg...all while we were talking about politics and religion and his family and job...I was surprised how comfortable I was talking with him even though I had just met him. He pretty much won me over when he told me he built the furniture in his room, works for fun on Sundays at a farmers market in Santa Monica, and has all these beautiful nieces and nephews hes clearly in love with. Plus more than once he called me sexy, beautiful, and gorgeous. So hes got that going for him. So talking turned into kissing...and then more talking...then more kissing...and things were going so well! He seems like an actual NICE guy who I think would treat me well and take care of me. But then drunk Annie needed me to put her to bed and I knew if I stayed things would get a little too hot and heavy...so I went home like a nice girl. Unfortunately in the scramble he didn't ask for my number. But he knows how to find me. So Miss Mysterious remains intact.

Meanwhile...tomorrow Im going out with a guy who Im not sure if we're dating or are just friends. Last time we spent together was a little weird for me...conversation didnt flow and I couldnt tell if he was into me or not and it was really confusing. I come from a world where you dont really have guy friends, either they're your boyfriend OR you have your girl friends but thats it. And Im fine with that. Why would a guy want to be a girls friend if he didnt want to fuck her? It'd just be a waste of time. Doesnt make any sense to me. He invited me to hang out last week too but I was at the Padres game...so 3 weeks in a row hes wanted to get together on his day off. Thats someone whose into you right? We're going downtown for happy hour somewhere and then he has other mysterious activities planned. Im just excited to hang out with him again and see what happens. But most importantly, I just DONT know what to wear.

lovelove.

Caught. Fantastic.

Had such a fantastic weekend! listened to free blues in the park with my girls, Mom and I met Tori Spelling at her book signing (yeah, we're cool like that), an evening of playing cards with my girlies and the momma, and then today I spent with Kelsey shopping it up at the Nordstrom anniversary sale. AMAZING find of a NON wool winter coat with a hood. Barely buttons over my huge boobs, but I got it anyway. I really really need one and need to accept the fact that nothing will fit over those suckers and then slim correctly over my smaller waist. Oh the woes of being an hourglass bombshell;)

Spending time with the loves of my life was exactly what I needed...always trying to keep busy with happy things and not wallow in my depression of being unemployed-broken hearted-mom on chemo-all my friends are far away-broke-BLEH.
Much more fun to laugh and love<3

A Moment: We were just finishing up the jazz festival and we were all talking and laughing...I may have drank half a bottle of delicious red wine but was ok for the most part. Then, without warning, a flood of emotions overwhelmed my heart and Annie caught me staring into space with a look like I was about to cry. Probably because I was about to cry.
"aww whats wrong, you just got so sad"
"ohhh yeah...sorry...that happens sometimes...there is a lot to be sad about...Im fine...sorry"

Want to know what I was thinking?
What five words I've been echoing in my head when I dont even realize it?
What keeps me up at night?
Out of everything going on in my life, what won't leave me alone?

Why doesn't he love me?

Even now I get teary eyed because all of my pain and hurt ultimately lead to that question every time.
I mean really, why?
I just keep reminding myself how awesome I am and that someone out there will realize that and treat me right, I know it will happen. But for this moment. This echo. It just really hurts.

Otherwise...
This week is our 2nd to last chemo week for the momma. I haven't written about this AT ALL because the blog wasn't anonymous and I wanted to respect my moms privacy, she doesn't want it all over FB. But now that we're here. I've written a little blurb about it here if you want to know more. So besides being at the clinic all day this week, I've decided to try my hand at quilting. I've been meaning to take my old band shirts and make them into a quilt for using for picnics and such...I dont know how to quilt of course, but I sure am going to try. I dont even know how to sew. And Im going to have to conquer my fear of sewing machines. So it should be interesting.

lovelove.

A Lot of Things

A lot has happened since my previous post. We'll start with the good.


1) I went to my first Padres game in like 10 years tonight!!! It was SO fun! I went Melissa and her sisters and their significant others, and babycakes:) Can I just say that baseball games are THE BEST! I want to go to more and more please!!! I still really want to go to a throwback game where they wear vintage jerseys and beer is half priced. What is there NOT to like about vintage and cheap beer? exactly. we're going.

2) I finally talked to my agency. the fancy family called. the job went to someone else who somehow had more nanny experience AND teaching experience (I have 4 years nanny with one family plus more with other short term families...this person must not have had a life). But she also said that they really liked me and that I would have been great, it is still just a trial so if it doesnt work out they'll bring me back for a 3rd interview. Plus, my agency lady said I am "fantastic" and "top notch" so she'll have no problem finding me another job for another family. So that's that. I still have a sliver of hope...but not really. I applied for about 8 other jobs Sunday and Monday. Havent heard a thing. This is my life people. Everyday.


3) Number 2 did something earth shattering this evening. He knew I was at the baseball game. And he texted me and invited me to MEET HIS FRIENDS and HANG OUT at the sky bar with them which is super close to the stadium. It took me a good 20 minutes to figure out what to text back. I was not only in SHOCK but I had carpooled with the family and kids and would have to reallllly finagle a way to get there and be home in the morning by 9a to tutor. Now I considered a lot of things...I could have just walked there and stayed at his house and he could have dropped me off in the morning, or I could have called in sick to tutoring in the morning and driven home late, or when I got my car which was about 20min closer downtown then home I could have just driven back downtown. All options. BUT I decided to do none of those things. I knew he wouldn't want me to sleepover and drive me home in the morning. I also knew I couldn't call in sick to the ONE job I actually do have, the last day nonetheless. And that it was just TOO desperate to drive all the way from almost home back downtown and I was too tired and when I looked in the mirror...too haggard. I sat in my car negotiating all of this for quite awhile. Finally, I just drove the rest of the way home. Now hes been texting me again and feels proud of himself for inviting me to hang out with his friends...10 months too late bud. I even told him outright, "I would have come but I know you wouldn't want me to sleepover or drive me home in the morning." He says "you dont know that". UH...YES I DO. I've never been to your house or met your friends or family in 10 MONTHS even though I've made it clear that its important to me and you've had ample opportunities to invite me but dont.
Plus, lets be honost, everyone knows we would have had sex and then all of this would be a mess all over again.

Am I proud of myself? YES.
Do I wonder what would have happened in a good way? YES.
Do I regret not going? KINDA...But Im trying to remember it was the right thing to do.
And that I dont always need to jump when he happens to invite me to something...I am free pretty much every night of the week and NOTHING.

Did I mention how its been 10 months and I've never met his friends or family or been to his house? THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING.

4) Speaking of Number 2. I noticed something weird this evening...so I was hanging out with the babycakes and seeing lots of families and then I started picturing my baby and my family someday...lala so nice...then BAM! I realize the babies and husband and family I am always picturing...is always with my Number 2. My babies are all beautiful and half Filipino from his side. When I picture us driving somewhere I always picture him driving...when I imagine my family doing ANYTHING its with him and our little brown babies. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I kind of creeped myself out. I mean...we did talk about marriage. And our future babies. And I'm a girl and this is what we do. But to still be doing that unknowingly after all the crap I'm going through with this guy? Ridiculous. So now the next project, trying to turn those thoughts off. At least I got the thinking about him all the time off now. I know by the looks of the blog it may not seem true...but I promise it is.

Nada

No word from the damn fancy family yesterday OR today. I'm SO frustrated. I called my agency and left ANOTHER message asking if they called her maybe. Haven't heard anything. I haven't lost hope, I'm just annoyed more than anything else. Either my agency or the family is SUCKING and not letting me know so I can move on with my life. And furthermore, I turned down another perfectly good job because I was waiting for these jerkfaces. I may have another interview tomorrow, but she has 3 kids and doesn't want to pay more than $15/hour so I think I might just cancel the interview. This is what Im dealing with people.

Number 2 finally brought up the text message thing yesterday. He said he was so drunk he didn't even remember texting me until the morning when he saw the long "conversation" we had. Obviously I knew he was drunk and it didn't mean anything to him, but I cant help but analyze and wonder why he always texts ME. No time to dwell, the conversation ended with him saying,
"anyway, you know Im crazy about you."
"uh, no your not"
"yes I am, just not the way you want me to be."

just when you think that stabbed in the heart-I feel like Im going to throw up-crying my eyes out- phase has gone away.
It rears its ugly head once again.

But in all honesty, I AM getting over him. I really am. I dont think about him all day anymore. I've only cried twice in the last few weeks since I ended it officially. When I talk to him I get irritated and change the subject when he tries to talk about sex with me whereas before I took it as a sign that he looooved me and was attracted to me...blah blah blah. bullshit. I ignore his calls. When I do talk to him I am getting really good at keeping my mind in the friend zone and not constantly analyzing what he says, looking for a sign that he loves me and wants me. I have already been flirting and putting myself out there with other guys. I know I probably need another few weeks until I'm ready to seriously date someone, but Im working really hard at getting there. I know I deserve someone awesome who values me and wants me to be a part of their life. And I genuinely do know it will happen someday. I just forget sometimes...annnnd cry myself to sleep.

Besides, Im really busy watching Wife Swap and Style By Jury.

Exciting News!

I have FANTASTIC news! I found my dream engagement ring!
Its on Etsy HERE

Not only is is classic and beautiful but its vintage and art deco too! My favorite! Ideally I would like a hand me down from his side of the family, but this will do too.

Also note: Not only am I not getting married, but I dont even have a boyfriend. Just a douche who drives me crazy and has no intention of marrying me. Crazy? I would say YES.

This is how I am spending my day while I WAIT and WAIT for the fancy family to call me to see if I made it to a trial day.
Im so anxious.

lovelove.

The Saga Continues

We talked yesterday for an hour while he drove up to his friends going away party...all his friends are going to grad school while he got rejected from all his schools:( his two besties are going to be in the Chicago area where he would have been too. Its been a rough year for the both of us. anyway. It was a formal $100/person party at some Russian restaurant..he "thought about inviting me but knew I didnt have $100" (great guy huh), he said he wasnt going to drink so he could drive home that night and study the next day and not be hungover. Sure enough around 11p I start getting the drunk texts. Pretty much every time he goes out I get a slew of texts. I used to take this as something sweet because it meant he was thinking of me and missing me while he was out...but then I realized, wait a minute? Why is he out without me? I should be there dancing and drinking and meeting his friends WITH him. Maybe not all the time, but SOMETIME. Seriously, once would be nice. Arg.

so he was texting me funny things...I was texting back quick funny answers. He texted something sexual and I responded
"yeah, but then you broke my heart so no more of that for you"

Then he writes back:

"love you"

UM. what am I supposed to do with that? WHY WHY WHY????!!!!
I wrote back "liar liar pants on fire drunky" because I reallllly didn't want to take it to heart. Im trying really hard to forget about it and remember that I should have been there with him. That he didn't mean it. That hes just a flirt. That hes a DOUCHE. but seriously? Love you? HES THE WORST. It's like he gets pleasure confusing and hurting me.

Then in the morning he texts me "dont worry about the Facebook post, it was just dancing".
So I check the Facebook post,
"wow i love Russian girls".

so now I dont know how to feel about him texting me that either?! He clearly feels the need to make sure I'm not upset. But does he just not want to hurt me because he knows how I feel about him? That has to be it. I'm so frustrated.

Seriously friends, I am an awesome girl. I am pretty (some say beautiful) and super fun and outgoing, I don't flirt with boys who aren't mine, I don't drink too much, I am an excellent dresser, I am well traveled and cultured, I have lots of different interests, I have a post baccalaureate teaching credential, I got great grades in college because I'm really smart...I mean the list goes on. So WHY am I getting treated like some second rate girl he found at the bar one night and doesn't know what to do with? Why WOULDN'T he want to bring me to his friends party? Have we been over how I'm pretty and super fun?

We haven't talked since then. He called me but I was busy. arg.

Anyway. Enough of douche number 2.

Last night I had THE BEST NIGHT! Annie and I bar tended a party at my old work where Annie still works. It was so much fun! We are awesome bartenders! We just flirted and danced with each other behind the bar and made awesome tips and would take breaks to dance on the dance floor...and drink free drinks and eat free food. Everyone loved us! Especially 3 men who just adored me...such a good night to boost my self confidence when douche has been shredding it. One poor bloke arrived and I immediately noticed him, he was really cute. He asked me to dance and I made him drinks and he tried to kiss me a few times...hehe. Then at the end of the night I find out he used to be a professional rugby player in New Zealand and is now a firefighter. I KNOW RIGHT. However, at the beginning of the night he was sober and fun but by the end he was super drunk, flirting with everyone, and expressed how his 5 year girl friend just broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

I gave him my number anyway of course.

Gosh, I hope tomorrow I hear from the fancy job. At this point I am going to be so disappointed if I dont get a trial day. So much anticipation. They said Monday or Tuesday so I still might not hear tomorrow...arg. I thought they needed someone asap! jeez! I lost the other family that wanted me to start asap. They said they had to try and find someone else since I wouldn't know until mid week and they needed someone to start tomorrow. but the more I think about it the more Im not sure it was the job for me. I want to do things with my kids...not just hang around the house.

anyway. we'll see.

lovelove.

Anonymity

I am all about honesty. I tend to tell people exactly how I'm feeling and have a very small filter. It's a good quality I guess. I've had a public blog connected to my name for a few years now...but then my love life started to pick up and I wanted to write about it. Then my family decided to follow my blog. Then the guy I was writing about found my blog. So...that's enough of that. Instead of filtering my writing, we're off to a new fresh start. A new name. A new anonymity.

Things with the boy are still ridiculous. I've been really good about not calling him or texting him, he...not so much. He keeps calling and texting me and it totally lures me back in. I try not to pick up all the time...and I dont have my phone with me all the time "waiting" like the old days so I miss his calls a lot which is good too (I'm not good with phones). Last week we got into a huge fight (or intense discussion as I like to say) when we tried to just talk...I don't think he understands that I need time away from him so I can be his friend. I can't just switch everything off like that. All this time I've been hearing "I think you're awesome (insert a lot of nice things he loves about me here), I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not saying never, just not right now while I figure all of this out". So to me, that meant give me a few weeks and then I'll get it together. right? And he still seemed into me calling me all the time...flirting...all up in my grill when we would hang out. I'm not crazy here. Finally it came out thats not what he meant...he meant not now...not in the near future...just maybe someday. He then listed all of his previous relationships and how they were friends and/or hook up buddies for a long time before they were something official...I used to think that was good thing, like there was hope for us and that we were building a relationship, now it sounds so immature and weird to me. HELLO your 27 years old and you have never just dated someone and then had her be your girlfriend...I know I dont have a ton of experience in this department, but I do know this isn't college anymore Bud. In real adult world we date other adults. Arg. We were spinning around talking and talking when "hey, can I call u right back...Arthur is calling" UH NO. But I said fine because I was hoping it would clear my head a little. Not only does he not call back and finish the discussion, but he doesn't call me the next day either. DOUCHE. So this is what I emailed him: (sometimes I email him instead of talking because I can think clearer).

Im glad you didn't call me back last night, I was exhausted and
although valid, it heightened my emotions. I just cried and went to
sleep, woke up feeling clearer in the head. (even though it was rude
of you to end our serious conversation to talk to Arthur and then not
call me back, jerkface) Ok, Im emailing you so I dont get all crazy.
First of all, you know how I feel about you, you have to understand
how hard this all is for me. You were the first boy I've loved as an
adult, the first boy I've been this intimate with, my best friend when
I've been going through so much, the first person I could see myself
marrying, you have been my rock. So just going from feeling all of
that and now trying to not feel that way about you is really difficult
and exhausting. Why do you think I've been so busy? To keep my mind
off of you. Why do you think I kissed another boy? To keep my mind off
of you. To feel pretty and desired and loved even if it was only for a
little while, because the boy I really wanted to be kissing doesn't
want to kiss me back. I'm dealing with being rejected Bud, with not
feeling good enough, along with everything else going on in my life
now I have to let this go too, it sucks and it hurts and I hate it but
Im dealing with it.

But more than anything, I do want to be in your life and I do want to
be your friend. We just need to go slow and you need to be patient
with me. I had zero intention of talking about any of that last night,
I was actually really excited to talk to you about our lives and
trying this friend thing.

Ok, I think thats all.

Except...I love you. And thats the last time Im going to say it.

-me

----
Note, the boy I kissed was a pretty Brazilian at the bachelorette party. Number 2 managed to get it out of me and wasn't very happy about it...even though he's been clear he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to date other people...so that was awesome.

ANYWAY. He never responded. Never mentioned it. Just texted me a little each day about random things since then.

To be continued...

Bachlorette.

I forgot to post these favorite pictures from Melissas bachelorette party. I just LOVE these girls. and love that they included me in the festivities. That night ended with me and a beautiful Brazilian named Julio dancing the night away. Me with a cosmo in hand. Happy as a clam trying to forget my troubles.
hearts!

Exposure

Some of you are aware of my LOVE for So You Think You Can Dance. Obviously. When this dance came on it felt like someone had read my heart and mind and decided to make a dance out of it and broadcast it onto national television. I know Im not the only one who can relate to it, so many of us have gone through something like this. So watch and feel your heart become exposed as much as mine did.

In other news...Ive been keeping busy with friends trying to do lots of fun things! Micah's birthday! saw Inception! beer tour and a movie at Stone! But now I'm pooped and my tummy and head are bothering me. I feel weird. Maybe its all the leftovers I've been eating...perhaps I should be more picky. or maybe it's from when I went to the dentist and they poked and prodded my poor gums until I could taste the blood I was swallowing (sorry Kelsey). The dentist said, and I quote, "so two things are happening, one: you haven't been flossing, and two: I can tell your under stress." preach it dental hygienist. Stress is my middle name. soon to be upgraded to first.

Still haven't heard from the fancy family. They are supposed to let me know Monday or Tuesday if I made it to the trial day (still would be competing against other nannies, just fewer), but now this other super cute job has come up. They want me to start Monday! Two families with a baby each, using me for a nanny share. Super nice moms and really sweet babycakes. Obviously its not as sweet as a job as the fancy job...and it pays A LOT less, and no benefits. I dont really need the benefits...but still. But the fancy job will prob be taxed and the other fam wont...arg. The new family just emailed me telling me they are going to have to try and find someone else because they need someone to start asap and I need another week before Ill hear from the fancy job. The new family totally understands and understands what I need to do, they just need someone now. So I dont know what to do. Some people are saying to just take the job I was offered and others are saying to hold out and see what happens with the fancy family. I guess if the new fam doesn't work out and the fancy fam doesn't work out...something else will come along:/ I really need a job so I can start planning my trips to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia! arg! Also:

Things Im buying When I Have Money:
-new bathing suit
-laser hair removal
-kindle
-treadmill
-haircut
-tickets to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia

Running list occurs in my brain at all times.

Now That Im Famous

I have my second interview with the fancy family on Monday at 2:20 (am I the only one who thinks thats a weird time?). But YAYYYY!!! I really want this job! Not just because they are fancy, but because I really do feel like I am a good fit for them. Its really the job I was made for and have been looking for this entire time. Im kind of overqualified for the typical nanny jobs as a credentialed teacher and all my childcare experience...but the higher end nanny jobs are perfect for me!

We've been speculating about who the family is and lets just say...I could potentially be working for a very legit famous sports industry person...I probably wont ever reveal who it is on here since that would be breaking their confidentiality, BUT Ill probably be rubbing elbows with the fancies, and maybe you'll get to hear some stories.

I've been praying like crazy to get this job, or if its not the right job to get another awesome one asap. Please pray for me too! I dont want to just take anything...I worked SO hard in school and built up my work experience so my resume would be awesome, I need it to pay off so I can move out. go to Buenos Aires and Machu Pichu. Go visit Cassie. enjoy my life.

Know what else I've been praying about? that I would get over that darn boy. I just want to stop loving him so I can be his friend. Its really hard. Especially when he calls because "he just wanted to hear my voice" and see how Im doing. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?! I get really anxious when I dont talk to him or when he calls and I dont answer. Like...REALLY anxious. Skin crawling-stomach bunching-head spinningly anxious. BUT I've been doing a healthy mix of staying super busy having fun with my friends and family, drinking, and praying every night. A lot. I have plans the next 3 days and just keep on trying to make plans every day/night.

I just keep trying to remember how unhappy I was.
you were unhappy lady. he never spent time with you. he never made time for you. he never introduced you to his friends and family. he never called you his girl friend. etc.

and yet I still love him and wish things were different. and I still secretly hope someday things WILL be different and we can be together.

until then, tonight its Melissas bachelorette party and I am going OUT with my girls!!!! Boys, you can suck it! (Until I need you as a dance partner)

lovelove.

Balance

So of course life is still an appropriate mix of suck and awesomeness. I try and ride more on the awesomeness state of mind...but somedays its hard. All of my job prospects didn't work out for one reason or another...and one of my tutoring kids peaced out for the rest of the summer so I only have one student now. I interviewed yesterday with a DREAM position, it went great, but I've gotten so discouraged from being hit over the head with attempting to job search this last MONTH that Im sure it wont work out like everything else. But Im still hoping and putting all my heart into the interviews and the entire process. When I look at the future and see myself with the job, I am SO SO SO happy! I really need to trust that God has something for me, and actually pray and ask for it.

Things with the boy are rough. Its really hard to try and be friends with someone your in love with. So I'm taking some space. Oh, and he didn't get into Notre Dame. As if it even matters anymore.

In good news! (probably should have started with that) Ive been having fun with my friends and family:) birthday parties, family PJ snuggle days, friends back in town, lalala so fun! THEN last night some of my girls and I all went up to se Kat in LA because she hooked us up with being on the series finale of The Hills MTV event! It was a ridiculous event, but we had so much fun! I dont watch the Hills and had no idea who people were, but I loved getting dressed up and hanging out with mi amigas. Plus seeing Kat was super nice because she is always so far away in LA LA Land. OH, and also...I was on TV. Yeah...thats me in the green behind Audrina...and whats her face Montag...and the rest of the show:)
The Hills: Live After Show (Season 6) | Ep. 12: "Lauren, Kristin, Audrina and the cast relive their past 'Hills' moments."
How COOL am I? Also, how God awful is that show? Jeez.

But THIS is the real reason I went:

Loves.

So the job search continues. The desire to move out or go somewhere or do SOMETHING continues to grow...life escapes me.

Things are Looking UP!

WELL I have three interviews this week! THREE! All for the pay that I want and with families that seem really great! Woohoo! One was today and its for a job in Dana Point I would have to move for...another is in RSF just M-F 2-8p...and the last one is locally and is just W-TH-F (every other Wednesday actually) with 11 hour days. I don't think I want the Dana Point job for a variety of reasons...including having to move to the OC (disgusting) and spend all the extra money Im making on rent. But I think Im going to have a hard time choosing between the RSF and the 3 day a week job. I also found another job working just one 12hr day a week which I could do along with the 3 day a week job and would make really good money each week actually...but it would be a long week. So we will see how things go. RSF sounds great because its two girls ages 3 and 5 (so fun!) and if I needed vacation time or something, I could just let the mom know ahead of time and it would work out. We'll see how everything goes!

Meanwhile, I had the best weekend EVER!
jazz in the park...world cup at D street with friends...beer festival...Grease sing-a-long...more world cup with friends...AWESOME!

Heres the best picture ever of me and Melissa at the festival...BEER FESTIVAL IS AMAZING!!!


annnnd I ate my yearly turkey leg...sorry Vegans...sorry turkey...sorry tummy. but it was worth it.

Also, I made a life plan for the next year. I will let you know in the next post.

lovelove.

Apparently

Ive been working really hard on my Encinitas substitute application. I downloaded it from the internet, copied a million documents they ask for, and had it all ready to go take to them today.

Being a substitute was my back up plan in case I didn't find a permanent teaching position or found a legit nannying or tutoring job. So Im on my way and called to make sure someone would be there to take my application (they go through and check to make sure the million papers are all signed and filled out correctly) and the "nice" lady on the phone informs me that they have a freeze on their substitute pool and aren't taking applications while they try and clean it out. She said to try again September 1st and they might have some openings.

YOUR WEBSITE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.

I hate you.

and freaking Carlsbad STILL hasn't approved my sub application.

ARG.

It was my BACKUP plan. I don't even really want to sub but was just going to try and do some to get into a district.
BACKUP PLAN.

So I cried a lot. And left the boy a message yelling and cursing about it. I NEVER yell. It was weird. Looking for a job is already so draining and difficult...then when you top it off with an economy of SUCK...your pretty much screwed. But I'm still trying. Applied for 3 more jobs today...

One of the jobs I applied for being a nanny in Dana Point called me 10 minutes later because it ended up being a pretty legit agency. She was really interested and said she called me because she was so impressed with my website:) (It worked!). She did a little interview right then and had me send her references. She said the next step was she'll check my references...do an in person interview...then I interview with the family. It definitely made me feel better after the substitute disaster, but I don't have a lot of faith it will work out. None of my other agencies have worked out. And the hours were weird but she said they were negotiable. see that, faith is GONE. I hate jobs.

ALSO
I was reading over my blog from when me and Number 2 first started dating and thought our first date entry was so cute so I emailed a copy to him just to be cute one day...
Here was our conversation that evening (to my HORRER)

me: did you get the little email I sent you?
Number 2: What email?
me: the one of my blog
Number 2: oh, yeah...but I've already read it
me: what? how? wait. WHAT?!
Number 2: yeah, I found your blog a long time ago
me: YOU NEVER MENTIONED IT?!

yeah, thats me. freaking out.
but then I read it back and was ok with it...and he didn't seem to mind too much. I kind of always write knowing he could possibly have found it...I mean...I don't hide it publicly.

But thats that. It was pretty clear it wasn't his favorite thing about me...haha. So just when you thought I was back.

ALSO
I had my first tutoring job today with the girls from my 4th grade class. So fun! Loved it! It felt really good to be teaching again...I miss it.

thats all for today.
lovelove.

Let's Discuss

Can we talk about how Im almost 25?

Can we talk about how friends I've grown up with are getting MARRIED.

They are having or had BABIES.

BABIES.
BABIES.
BABIES.

This is what Im saying.

We're really old.

I'M really old.

Somedays I really don't want to get married because I like being alone sometimes and need space...
but then other days I watch too much Say Yes to the Dress...
or get lonely alone in this big bed...
or imagine getting to always be with my best friend (whose not a dog)...
or need someone to tell me I'm pretty...
and care where I am and what I did today (even if its nothing)...
or want someone else to do the dishes because I cooked...
or just want to snuggle...

and then I start googling THIS:




and somedays its just a real "problem".

But then I also remember that I like to be able to watch whatever I want...and turn the light out when I want...and don't have to share my bed with anyone...and can sleep without someone snoring or someone getting up before me...and I don't have to cook for anyone...and can have dates with all my friends and family every night of the week and have so much fun...and get to have a cute little Bella as a bed buddy.

so really...it all evens out.

Job Hunting SUCKS

I just keep applying for jobs and keep not hearing anything and then do it all over again the next day.
VERY frustrating. The boy had to break it to me that Im going to have to take something crappy to start out with and work my way up. I guess I figured I could avoid this since I have so much experience and a credential. I really don't want to substitute...it pays crap and I don't like not knowing the kids. And all the nanny jobs not through the agency top off at $15/hour which is ok if you don't have a degree but not ok with you have a degree and a teaching credential. Im giving it 2 more weeks of applying for the good jobs that Im totally qualified for...then Ill start looking at the cheaper paying ones.

I did hear back from my dream art teaching job I applied for...they said my travel experience and background sound wonderful and they'll be getting back to applicants in the upcoming weeks. Finally an answer! and from my dream job! woot! Im so discouraged that at this point I just figure I wont hear from anyone...but I keep on trying.

Family stuff and job searching and boy moving has taken a lot out of me. All of a sudden yesterday and today Im exhausted and all weepy:( I've been exercising to get some endorphins and to release stress which totally helps. And I've been making myself hang out with people I love even though I feel antisocial a lot of the time. I made yummy vegan cookies and Im reading good books.

God, I could use a break.

I start tutoring next week...I went and visited my little school to get stuff from the kids teachers to do with them over the summer. That will be awesome. Im really excited about it. She said she has 2 more students that will hopefully hire me too. If I could just tutor over the summer...that would be awesome!