2 Hour Late Night Chats.

Yeah, thats right.

Someone is still talking to birthday boy almost every night on FB chat...sometimes for 2+ hours...and I have to say it's awfully nice. We basically just fawn all over each other telling each other how great the other one is and remembering our amazing time together. He also mentioned something interesting randomly mid conversation. He said he's realized how much he lets his guard down with me and is slightly more emotional than usual. That somehow I bring this out in him. I was flattered of course but then laughed to myself, because...Is ANYONE really surprised? What is this, number 125 in men who tell me their life stories and confide all these things in me after only spending a short while together? Roomie says its because I'm so maternal and I don't even realize it. I say- that sounds weird. Who wants to attract boys because I am maternal? Is that why they always end up emotionally dumping on me and then disappearing? Because really, who wants a mother for a girl friend.

Interestingly enough this is something therapist and I have been discussing. Apparently it also has to do with me being too much of an emotional giver. I just let men dump on me and it drains me. I give and give and take in and take in and end up depleted. But then I still don't understand the -then they leave- part. I hearrrrr it's because they realize I'm the marrying kind and get freaked out and peace because they are still just wanting to have fun. But who really knows.

For now, its nice to have a boy still enjoying talking to me and interested in my life for no other reason then because he thinks I am lovely.

Choose Three.

Choose Three.








So we all know I am not the richest teacher on the fresh graduate block, but I am finally in a place financially where I can choose to spend some of my money on...wait for it...myself. Yes, I still have credit cards...food...rent...phone...trips home every year...etc. But every month I am still budgeting...even sometimes working extra hours- because I am choosing three things to do for myself. Just because I am awesome and work hard not just to pay bills and eat.

My three you probably already know: my nails, monthly lady waxing, and I am now seeing a therapist every week too. I feel so spoiled with my chosen three! And thats the point. Of course there is much much more I could spend on...hair coloring, eye brows, toe nails, shopping, gym membership, etc. BUT I just chose my three and enjoy every second of them. I dye my own hair, do my own eyebrows and nails, don't get to shop as often as I'd like, and work out at home (hahaha like I actually do that).

So I encourage you my loved. Choose at least three things to do for yourself that make you feel good and beautiful every month. Even if its just sitting at a cafe reading all morning and eating cake once a month- do it. We are human beings- not machines.

xoxo

HL

Love.

And the movie my heart has been waiting for. Oh, I just love them so much.

Preview

My Week With Marilyn.

Finally they made the movie my life has been waiting for!

Lonely?

Woke up to a message from Birthday Boy on Thursday...included things like, "Hello Beautiful...hate to sound lame, but I miss you a lot!...being hot and bothered on a long plane ride is the worst...etc."

Minor heart explosion<3

Have to say, feels good to not be rejected by a boy for once.

But I'm still sad and bummed. I miss him. I feel stupid feeling this way, but we had such a sweet time together. I think its also nice that we just got to have the fun beginning part of something amazing though. Better then nothing and better then it turning bad. We've written more. He confirmed that we definitely had a connection, that he felt more for me then just lust (hehe), and that he can't remember the last time he enjoyed someones company as much as our time together. Swoon.

Back to reality...

Having to accept that roomie/"bestie" just ditches me all the time for her boyfriend now, and that familiar feeling of lonliness has returned today as I ran errands and sat in a cafe working alone all day. She's honest about the fact that she sucks at time management, so I think I am going to make us a date night where the boyfriend isn't invited. Because just talking for 10 minutes about our day when she's home from work just until her boyfriend comes over every night isn't exactly the quality time I consider a good friendship to have. My tummy is bothering me today so it's good I'm just taking it easy I suppose...and I finally texted my old roomies who invited me over for home made Mexican food and some drinking. So the weekend might turn for the better after all.

I think i just need to get drunk. Drinking solves everything.

Ugh, I've been working way way way TOO much. I counted my hours vaguely...omg. Around 50+ for school, and then 5 more with private tutoring. No wonder my tummy is upset and all I want to do is drink, good Lord.

I think things will calm down a bit more now. I finally have a handle on the schedule and the students are getting more independent so I can just give them things to do and can work on grading, putting things up, prepping lessons, etc while they work. Plus, I am supposedly getting an assistant within 2 weeks time and they said I could give copying to our receptionist to do for me sometimes. So things are getting better. And I am enjoying the new challenge of the tutoring students after school and the extra money is SO good for me. This is the first month I am not broke the entire week before we get paid again and have to borrow from roomie! I feel so adult! And I still have money for my 3 self things: nails, therapy, and waxing. Someone is growing up- It's weird.

Counting down until my Cammie comes to see me. I am SO excited to spend time with someone who truly knows me annnnd hasn't been to Europe before. The best of everything! Taking a vacation is high on my "Things To Be Excited About" list too. I need the break from work and am so glad I am leaving so it'll force me not to work. If I stayed home I would just sit in this cafe and plan and plan and catch up on grading, then go back to work just as annoyed as when I left.

Alright. The cafe's dim lights are now officially hurting my eyes and I am sick at looking at these science books, bleh.

Enjoy your lives my loves.

xoxo

HL

Birthday. Rendezvous.

Birthday. 

 

Looks pretty great huh. Birthday plans started out pretty amazing...we booked a table at sky bar for 15 people and I had around 20 "friends" RSVP, plus we were going to a nice club afterwards. Roomie and I spent the day getting ready...we bought the crown, dress, and new shoes. Did my hair...roomie did my makeup...baked the funfetti cake I brought back all the way from America...painted my toes...etc.

However. The night ended up being all of my "friends" kind of ignoring me, and basically just using it as an excuse to party. Everyone (except roomie) almost just left me at sky bar to go to some other club where another girl was having a small party. I didn't want to go because it wasn't very nice and it was far away, but no one asked me where I wanted to go or seemed to care. Roomie had to TELL me, "so everyone is leaving to go to the other club so we need to go". I had to do my cake and presents with just a few people because no one else was even paying attention. Everywhere we went everyone would literally be standing around a table talking or whatever and I would be standing or sitting alone. I had to start hitting people and trying to joke, "can I please be invited to my own birthday party?! Damn!" I thought I was maybe being oversensitive and wanting too much attention...but the next day roomie confirmed my feelings. We both realized who are real friends were. But even roomie left early with her boyfriend because he had a baseball game the next morning and is always a priority these days. Plus, the old birthday boy I've been seeing- at the last minute couldn't come because of work and I was disappointed. And I cried because I missed all of you forever friends and my family on my first birthday so far away from home. People who actually know what to talk to me about and care about me.

Luckily, the night ended up with me dancing at an actual legit club with the remaining few until 5a and them all walking me home. A definite high note to end on.


A real picture of the evening?

Almost everyone at the other table ignoring me while I open presents. Receiving condoms from my friend who remembered me whining about not being able to get any in Slovakia after 9p. Little did he know how handy they would come in...

Rendezvous.

After my semi shitty birthday party, my hungover self and birthday boy had plans for the day once he was finished working. The plans became "Wanna come over and lay in bed with me all day while I get over this hangover?". Obviously he rushed over. After our failed sexcapade in July before I left for SD, Sunday became what we like to call "Naked Cartoon Day" which included having the best sex of my life four times, watching Despicable Me all snuggled up laughing SO hard, and talking and laughing ALL day and night. It may have ended up being one of my better birthdays.

First of all, we had SO MUCH fun together! And definitely had a sweet connection because we would just talk and talk about our lives and selves. He told me hilarious stories and was so loving with me. He would kiss me and kiss me, hold me really close, touch my face and hair...and compliment me up to wazoo. I am in the process of trying to document everything he said about me because I never believe these things about myself. Most things I want to keep, but a snippet to share...
"wow, you have an amazing body"
I'll take that.

We proceeded to have "Naked Monday" evening and "Naked Tuesday" evening to the point that both of us were SORE from so much sex, ahahahaha.

Sadly, last night we had to say good bye. He left for Brazil this morning for his next post. We were both sad...another one of those great people you meet and have a connection with and then have to say good bye. Both of us have done this many times, both of us knew what was happening this time, and both of us confirmed that it sucked. But he wants to end up on the base in socal after his year in Brazil...so we'll see what happens...

So yeah...quite the weekend and week. Plus I started my tutoring clients this week, mom had another surgery yesterday, and I just got home from a very emotional counseling session. All in all, I would say my plans of going to bed at 9:00p are SOLID.

Tomorrow for the actual birthday, roomie and I are going to my favorite Italian restaurant for dinner- so excited!

xoxo

HL

Wow.

Its my bed time but I am DYING to update!!!

Birthday gala was interesting...more on that to come...

More interestingly, I just finished having my rendezvous with birthday boy and OMG.

Turns out birthday boy and I really connected...really liked each other...and had THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE for the last 3 days straight.

And of course he leaves for Brazil for his next embassy placement tomorrow. Couldn't just meet someone great, connect, have great sex, and have it work out. That would just be too much to ask for.

I'll have more time tomorrow evening for a nice big fat update.

xoxo

HL

Snippets

Some snippets of my life from these last two weeks...

Red, pink, and white heart shaped balloons being let out over the river randomly last Saturday while on my date with birthday boy. Imagine snuggling with a boy you like, sitting at a cafe along the river in perfect weather, drinking gin and tonic, and this this happens! Magic.

And then he orders you this to share! OMG I CANT DESCRIBE THE GOODNESS.

Fall informed us she was coming by sending a crazy rain storm for a few days. My new vintage trench and rain hat were happy to assist. Although we are still in denial winter is coming and whine whenever we pass the stores with winter clothes out. I really wish I knew how to edit that horrible white box out of the photo...

Tomorrow is my big birthday gala! Yippie! 

xoxo

HL

Let's Remember...

So I've been reflecting...

At how this time last year I was crying my eyes out.

Literally could not breathe or function.

Because that dick Number 2 stopped calling me forever. A few days before my birthday, we had plans for sushi for my birthday. We were seriously talking about going to Mexico after his grad apps were finished. I was breaking up with SS because I thought Number 2 was finally ready to get serious. We'd been together and "in love" for a year. I was coming off of the worst year of my life with mom being sick...3 family members dying...swine flu...and student teaching/death...

Then I spent my Alice in Wonderland birthday party without a call back from either of them and swore off men for the rest of the year.

3 months later I moved to Europe and ride to work looking fabulous on the public transit I know by heart everyday thinking, "Man, I love my life!!!!". Then I spend my weekends dancing on tables, sitting in little coffee shops reading and drinking tea, baking in my own flat, or even sometimes having slumber parties with various gentleman callers.

I must say, this has been QUITE the year.

And twenty-six is bound to be 10x better then twenty-five...when I cried on my way to my own birthday party.

THIS YEAR I am having, perhaps the birthday party I was always meant to.

We're booked at the nicest bar in town that overlooks the entire city, took us a week to get the reservation, and I get to make everyone get as dressed up as I always am when we go out. I got us 2 bottles of champagne for the 15+ people coming and am making funfetti cake with the mix I brought back with me from the states. Then we have a table booked at the nicest club in the city for afterwards! I have the beautiful and sweet male suitor whose been courting me who will be by my side all evening (and made the club reservations for me:) And all of my dearest friends from Bratislava will be there! The plan is to drink more gin and tonic and champagne then should be allowed, dance on a table, have my face hurt from smiling, embarrass myself somehow publicly, and have some birthday sex. I feel like all of this is doable.

I am trying to not be so depressed about turning OLD and just now decided to call it
"Twenty Six- The Year of Wonder" 

I think it has a nice ring to it...

Let the shit show begin!

xoxo

HL

Happy Birthday To ME.

Oh friends! Guess who reappeared?

No, not music man. I wish. He's still in the douche category.

I'll give you a hint, he left my flat after failing to um...properly finish the session...almost threw up on me, then left with barf in a bag in one hand, and the knickers he accidentally dropped in the other, head hung. Hating life. Thats right, birthday boy is back!

I didn't forget about him, because we definitely had a connection, but I knew he was leaving mid October and that nothing was going to happen really anyway. Then randomly he texted me about wanting to hang out, and while it may have been interpreted as a booty call (before I left we did both agree we needed a redo anyway), we had a date all afternoon and evening on Saturday and it was perfect. Although we were a little affectionate, it clearly wasn't a booty call...and actually he surprised me as being a very sweet, clever, funny, and all around awesome person.

After apologizing and then laughing excessively about the tragic evening we shared a few months ago, (sorry I didn't call you...it's taken me this long to get my pride back...) he made the day all about me (I know right) so we sat at my favorite spot and drank gin n tonic by the river all afternoon, the weather was PERFECT, and everyone was out. Then we got a big beautiful ice cream (his idea) and while eating it together everyone let these pink, white, and red heart shaped balloons go up over the river. Hundreds of balloons floating up all together...it was so romantic we kind of laughed about it. Then we walked to a Czech/American restaurant and ate dinner/ drank more. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much in one day and was so happy.

And to be honost, it was nice to not have ANY pressure. We'd already had sex (kind of...), know he's leaving, and just get to have fun with the beginning part of something.

I think we both want to build up a little more before we hook up again...for real this time. So we didn't hook up Saturday, and tonight we're just meeting for dinner before he has to work the midnight shift.

But I love how he pursues me. I'm getting the ol texting, "you're beautiful", I want to spend time with you, whatever you'd like to do, insisting on paying for everything: treatment and I have to say- it's rather nice.

ALSO!
Next Thursday is MY 26TH BIRTHDAY. Fuck, I'm old.

I find it ironic I am rekindling with Birthday Boy on my birthday.

Favorite Things.

Some things I liked this week...

Oh Good.

Roomie texted Music Man the other day because she was mad (and does this behind my back because she gets so annoyed, haha), something to the tune of- "Hey, heard you are MIA, hope you're ok, what happened?"- that was the jist.

Today.
After IIIIIII haven't heard from him in 2 weeks, he texts HER back.

Something about being busy and playing baseball over the weekend and not seeing her or some bullshit like they're old friends or something.

I immediately read it as- he has a thing for her- and am now kind of sulking and am hurt.

I'm not angry with her or anything.

Just hurt that this guy who kept presenting himself as "a good guy" who liked me, is just a douche like the rest of them.

Where do I FIND these guys?!

As of right now, I'm just reallllly looking forward to the next work function so I can look hot and ignore him all night. But then roomie pointed out, I would never actually be mean or ignore a guy even though he was a douche to me, because I'm too nice. And since they know that, they do this shit to me.

That's it, I need to start breaking windows.

xoxo

HL

Another Moment.

Another "I LOVE MY LIFE!" moment as it is storming outside...I am at the packed and adorable cafe downstairs drinking amazing tea and working more (I know, workaholic) while my cleaner/cook is upstairs making the house beautiful and making us dinner.

I mean, seriously, how am I EVER supposed to come back to America after this?!

Oh. And after Friday was semi shitty and I was an emotional mess all week, the rest of the weekend was AMAZING as we went to the special Slovak wine festival all afternoon and evening on Saturday and then roomie and I had a date all Sunday shopping and loving life like old times! I got so many things I've been needing (pictures to come) on sale and in my size and stuck to the list and budget, it was a fantastic day!

Wine Festival:

Sorry if you also read my travel blog and saw these added to my personal FB, but I want to give a well rounded perspective on the AWESOMENESS that IS the burčak wine festival. Slovakia in September is the ONLY place you can get this special "young wine" that isn't completely fermented yet, so it tastes like juice! Still gets you wasted though effectively enough...

We took the train along with the rest of Bratislava to the next village called "Pezinok" and this was the church in the main square where the festival was...

Me and my co-teachers / old roomies

All of us with our first bottle!

 The little festival filled with the Slovak version of fair food...

The old O2 phone company duck that looks like he pulled the costume out of a dump was there scaring children and hitting me with his tail...

 so fun! Those are most of the teachers I work with, besides roomie and her bf on the right of course. 

mmmmm young wine...

After we got seats we didn't move the entire evening except to take turns buying another 4 euro bottle of wine...

The right one is the normal yummy Slovak red wine, and the left one is the special September Slovak young wine. Juiceeeee

Perhaps the best highlight was taking the last train back to Bratislava along with the rest of the drunk cities young people...

Standing room in between cars only! We couldn't move and I may have almost had an anxiety attack...

Walked from the train station home...or rather skipped and sang home...

I wanted to capture how lovely I felt...

xoxo

HL

TGIF?

Remember when my Friday nights ended at 5a dancing on tables and refusing (or sometimes accepting...) male invitations to go home with me? And that 4 nights out of 7 I wasn't home until 12:30 either?

Since I've been home my bestie/partner in crime roomie is all wrapped up with her bf and work, plus all of my friends here have been so MIA or are out of town- so my last 2 Friday nights I was lucky to go out with music man until the wee hours of the morning. Then last night roomie had only worked a half day and we didn't have plans Saturday until the afternoon so I thought for SURE we'd go and do something like we always used to. AND I was upset that music man has disappeared so I really needed to socialize.

au contrar.

"bf is coming over and we're just going to watch a movie. He's really tired." HE'S ALWAYS REALLY TIRED!!! So I went alone to meet up with some friends from work hoping the drink at the pub would turn into a longer evening...but by 9:30 they were all yawning and asking for the bill. I got all dressed up to go to the half empty pub for an hour, sit quietly while my friend talked the ENTIRE time, only to walk back home by myself. Where upon my roomie and bf greeted me all over each other on the couch giggling and doing that annoying "we're in love and in our own little world...lalala" thing. So I just went to my room and watched True Blood and went to sleep.

Not the worst evening ever of course, at least I got to get out a bit and getting dressed up was fun (even if no one cared). But if something doesn't change soon I might have to rethink staying here longer. I love teaching but its not like my school is that amazing. They have so many problems and the lack of resources and support is exhausting. Plus, I am so social, and if my social life is going down the toilet and all I am going to do is work...well its no wonder I am feeling icky as of late. Let's just say I am starting to be really open to the idea of moving to another country to teach...

Good News Though! Today we're going to a wine festival! In the month of September in Slovakia, every weekend another district holds a festival for their "young wines" which is apparently what they're famous for. This weekend is supposed to be a really good one with music and fireworks. Plus, according to the weather it appears this weekend to be the last warm days before the temperatures start slowly dropping. I had to kind of beg roomie to get her ass together and come and some other people from work are going too. It'll be nice to actually DO something. I've been feeling so sad and claustrophobic...maybe this will help snap me out of it.

Once again, I would apologize for my whining about my life, but it is MY blog so...

Pretty...In A Creepy Way

Christopher Payne and I share the same intrigue with old asylums. 

Beautiful in such a creepy and morbid kind of way...

The High Life.

Currently. 




Factors of Today:


"I'm sorry, I want to talk more but I have to go. Our new cook is coming over and then i have a waxing appt so im trying to get out the door. hahaha my life in that last sentence is amazing."


and


"We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition."- High Fidelity 


Today I woke up to a message from my family saying my mum had to go to the emergency room because she was having sharp pains and shortness of breath. She was now staying a minimum of 24 hours there because her lung collapsed (due to another painful procedure done the day before). Mixed feelings overcame me. Such as...ok, she's going to be ok, thank God it wasn't a heart attack. And then...guilt for not being home. And such a drained feeling...I really don't have the energy or heart for this hospital stuff anymore, and I know she doesn't. And just a sad scared feeling for my momma in general. Roomie gave me a hug and reminded me it's going to be ok before she went to work. But I'm still feeling shitty about not hearing from that boy anymore too. 


Talked to myself/God for a good hour last night in my room. It helped I guess.


Anyway.


Then good things happened...


One of the LOVES of my life, Cammie, is coming to visit me in October for like 2 weeks! We were waiting and waiting for him to get the time off approved and I didn't want to get my hopes up unless he had a ticket. But today he got approved AND the ticket so he's coming for my October break! Hence when:  "I'm sorry, I want to talk more but I have to go. Our new cook is coming over and then i have a waxing appt so im trying to get out the door. hahaha my life in that last sentence is amazing." occurred. We were discussing our wardrobe plans, the cities we want to go to, etc. So that significantly affected my mood in a positive way. Especially since my few friends here will be working the entire time and I couldn't afford to do a huge trip AND try and afford to go home for Christmas. 


Also.


After I showed our new cleaner/cook around and got my hooha all waxed and squeaky clean, I took my work stuff with me and walked through my little old city to the French cafe I've been meaning to try. I started feeling sorry for myself as I skyped with my mum while she lays in the hospital, my phone still isn't ringing from the boy, and this stupid little black cloud won't lift...but then I looked at my reflection in the computer...and suddenly noticed how all the tourists and men are looking at me as they walk by. And realized: I'm sitting here on my pretty laptop, with my pretty phone, pretty French manicure and dress, listening to my favorite Iron & Wine songs, drinking tea and planning an epic October holiday with one of my most fabulous friends surrounded by my BEAUTIFUL little city with perfect weather. YES my mum is in the hospital, but she's going to be fine, and YES that boy is being kind of stupid and bringing up the "you're going to die alone" feelings again, and YES I need to make more friends here...but really...In this moment. How could I not be so happy?


So I'm going to order another tea...and some of the amazing looking chocolate cake from the treat window. Then go home and enjoy the soup our new cook is making us for dinner. 
And try and sit in being happy and content for awhile. 

Feeling Blue

During work I am happy and love my life, but lately as soon as work ends I am feeling blue again. It might be that grey cloud I get sometimes that just follows me around that I refuse to medicate (although I am getting in touch with an English speaking therapist here, yay me). But it might also be my mum going through health things and I'm not there, money problems that may mean I don't get to go home for Christmas, roomie/bestie being all wrapped up in work and her bf, all my other "friends" here being completely MIA since I've been back, and this stupid boy appears he may be over me already or maybe just wants to move it into the friend zone. Although we spoke Sunday about work stuff, I haven't heard from him since and have no plans for the weekend with him either. I know he's working a lot, but I am really trying to stay on my new band wagon of "no one is too busy for you"...even to send a text, right?  But then every time someone asks me about it and I say "I dont know, I haven't heard from him since Sunday...and that time I contacted him..." they nod like thats normal. So maybe I am overanalyzing...no one would be surprised here. This tends to happen when I actually like them. Crazy lady surfaces. 

Also...I think I was really excited about being close with him even just for companionship. Since roomie and other friends are so absent right now, I don't really have anyone to talk to. And he told me his entire crazy life story the second night we hung out, I didn't get a chance to share at the time...plus I wasn't ready, but I was so hoping to find someone else here to be close with. Lately I haven't even been missing sex or all the fun girly things about being in a relationship- I think I just want the genuine friendship and closeness. Of someone caring about you SO much for no reason other then you just being you. 

And any level of rejection, especially when I start to let myself like the guy, bring everything from the past up. Every boy who stopped calling me and all the reasons I wonder why roll around again. I just keep blaming myself "What is WRONG with me that men don't want me?". And logically I know the old saying- it's them and not me- but if it keeps happening over and over again don't you have to start looking at yourself too? Isn't that basic psychology? 

I don't know. But tomorrow is a holiday (random Thursday in Slovakia off? Yeah, standard) so I get to sleep in...work at a cafe...and get my hooha waxed. PLUS our new cleaner/cook starts tomorrow and I am SO FREAKING EXCITED! She's going to come Monday and Thursday and clean, laundry and cook a meal for us, do some of our shopping too...it'll probably take her a few hours each day. And we are paying her 7 euro an hour!!!! I love it here! She only wanted 5/hour, but we felt too guilty so we upped it a bit. But the minimum wage is seriously like 3 euro/hour so she's SO EXCITED. We've been working such long hours lately (and its pretty normal) that we just don't have time to cook or energy to go out...so we're doing the American thing and hiring out, hehe. YAY. 

xoxo

HL

Updates...

Such a LONG WEEK OF DEATH. First day of school was pretty good, I say pretty good because I love my class and everything within my room is pretty much fantastic, but otherwise (as always) the organization and drama with the management at the school is ridiculous so I had to pick up even more extra classes at the last minute and was working until 5:30p at school every night last week and then coming home to work MORE. So, it was a long week. And more drama over the weekend with our head of A-levels taking off and them hiring a new director without telling anyone today (I found out on accident). But again, my class is AMAZING and I am finishing everything except our stupid school staff busy work by 4:00 now this week...and coming home to work more, but at least its in front of the TV and on my couch.

Music Man called last Sunday night but I missed his call. Otherwise we just texted twice during last week and I was kind of bummed. Then Friday night roomie convinced me to just invite him to the pub a bunch of staff were going to, and sure enough he texted me back and showed up and we hung out most of the rest of the night. By 11 we found ourselves alone (roomie had to take the drunk bf home- another night, another scene from those two) and went to get a snack and chat. However, I now find myself slightly confused. I feel like I am getting mixed signals which could either be him being a good guy and trying to take it slow, or like he's just not into me.

We should discuss something more serious now actually. I think the foundation of my insecurity in this is in how I feel about myself. This guy...thus far...is so good, so amazing, that everything about him I decided a long time ago either didn't exist, were already taken, or certainly wouldn't be into me. Mostly the latter. I keep waiting for him to want to just be friends because I'm too ___________ <----insert here anything I've ever told myself. Mostly Fat. Silly. Stupid. Young. etc. I seriously can't believe someone like my old thrown away list exists, and that they could potentially value ME. And that's not to say I don't have confidence in myself, because Lord knows we've come a long way in this department this year. It would just appear that there are still some secret "you're not good enough" compartments tucked away in there that I haven't quite reached.

Therefore, I am totally in the "when is he going to call and make plans with me?!?!?!" mode- not obsessing yet- but time still seems to move so slowly. I find myself getting annoyed "UGH, why haven't I heard from him, he doesn't like me, this sucks" only to realize its TUESDAY and we just spoke on SUNDAY. Calm down crazy, you've been out a few times and work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S for everyone right now so lets take it down a notch, k?

In other news I am finding myself more and more annoyed with roomie having her bf over all the fucking time. EVERY DAMN NIGHT he's here. He'll either come over right after work with her and then sleep over, or come after dinner at home and then sleep over. We have to now buy groceries and plan dinners for THREE, one of them being a very hungry boy, and I am irate. His home life kind of sucks, so thats why he's around a bit more then normal boyfriends- but also because neither of them get sick of each other and appear to not have any other significant friends or family. I mean, it's a small place...and I didn't sign up to live with a fucking couple. Plus I may be bitter that I lost my one and only bestie here now that bf is in the picture. Roomie and I used to do EVERYTHING together, weeknights we went out for drinks or dinner and weekends we ran errands and went shopping. Now she just wants to stay home with the bf and watch movies during the weeknights and on the weekends THEY go run errands. So I find myself alone all the time again and am starting to get sad and more frustrated with my lack of relationships here. This might also magnify why I want things to work out with Music Man so badly, besides how awesome he and we together are, I want new friends and a boyfriend would also just be really nice.

Ok, back to working from home alone...just like every night.

xoxo

Favorite Things: Lana Del Rey

Discovered this little gem on pitchfork, and totally fell in love with her voice, lyrics, and entire aesthetic. Her video for "Video Games" is beyond creative and cool, and she's pretty on top of it? Thats it, lets kill her.

OMG Love her. Repeat.

Exhibit A

Evidence of my singleness / awesomeness.