Tuesday, March 26, 2013


Wow, when God wants to give he really GIVES. I know I have been awfully "spiritual" lately but I am so overwhelmed with sweet things it's hard not to see how it's all being orchestrated for my family. Once you see how much life can beat the shit out of you, the other times when God colors it brightly for you become very clear.

My mom has been OVER THE MOON excited that we are finally really preparing for little bear (if she asks me one more time 'what should he call us?!' I swear to God). It looks like we'll be able to buy tickets in 2-3 weeks with the goal of going to get the little buddy at the end of April or early May. Although this may seem far away to some, when you are a couple on a budget and have NOTHING for a toddler to play with, torn apart bed pieces in his room from storage, nor daycare sorted...it's a bit overwhelming. Mom has also been helping me project plan our needs and make a plan of attack. Lack of money for it all by the time he comes is concerning, as well as time since we are gone quite a few weekends and boyfriend and I still have opposite schedules.

But then we continued to be blessed the pants off of.

Mom offered to throw us a "Welcome Home Little Bear/Toddler Shower!" once he arrives since everyone will want to meet him anyway, and if they want to give gifts we can register for some of our direct needs. Boyfriend and I were already a little overwhelmed by this, "people want to throw a party for us and give us stuff?! What?". But then to top it off my aunt and uncle offered to let us borrow their amazing Thomas the Train table, the train set (the fancy ones at book stores and stuff!), clothes still too big for their second baby, books, legos, basically anything their oldest isn't using or playing with anymore but their baby won't be ready for for awhile. EVERYTHING PERFECT FOR LITTLE BEAR. Now literally all we need are some cute baskets for holding it all, sheets and a comforter, a lamp, mattress, and wall decor.Which is the cheap stuff I've had picked out for ages! It's like this giant weight has been lifted off of me. Between my exciting  upcoming new career endeavor that will give me more time and less stress for my family needs, and the pouring out of resources for our sweet pea...what is there to even worry about?

Still a lot to do. Still trying to balance it all until I can quit my job here. But until then, how blessed are we?!

Monday, March 25, 2013

A Fresh Start! (Something Exciting!)

So sadly it is no secret I haven't been thrilled with my job this last year. I don't hate it everyday and for a corporate America job it is definitely not that bad, but it is simply not what I am passionate about. And sitting in a cube all day no matter how much I decorate it and how many breaks I take is simply not my thing. I am creative, talkative, like to teach, and it's just simply not for me. Plus the lack of flexibility, commute, boyfriend's schedule, and BEING A MOM in the near future put on top. So I have my resume in for a teaching job I could get which would be great, and have another position that would still be in the technology corporate world but would be curriculum development which I prefer. But besides those two options I have a new business plan. One that is requiring bravery and heart. One that gets me equally nervous and excited at the same time.

After I've used up some vacation, and we have some money and the baby cake and sorted (so probably mid summer or the fall), I will be quitting my job or offering to do some part time contractor work for them and starting my own business tutoring!!!!! I KNOW!!!

I feel like it is perfect timing since little buddy will be coming and we are more financially stable, plus if it wasn't for my debt we could live off of his income and still have savings, so with daycare potentially being a HUGE chuck of our money even with the military's help, it seems silly to pay that when I can just watch him and do tutoring around boyfriends or family schedules to put towards my debt and spending money. I was so nervous to tell him about it and may have cried when he was so excited for me and said "let's do it baby!". To be secure financially and have the support meant so much. And I feel like this is setting me up for when we want to have more kids so I can still work part time.

I am beyond loved. I don't know how to deal.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Overwhelmed With Joy

I don't even know where to begin! We are so overwhelmed with joy and blessings beyond what we imagined its hard to even take it all in and attempt to write about it.

My love spent last week visiting little bear and working with baby mama to get the custody agreement signed.

Boyfriend was ecstatic the entire week with the bear. He sent me all these photos of them playing outside for hours and hours at his childhood home doing the things he did as a kid. One text was "I feel like all of my dreams are coming true! I am walking through the woods just talking with my son". I would get teary sometimes thinking of him treasuring every moment with the little love and how little bear must just be having the time of his life getting to spend time with his daddy. He's such a daddy's boy despite being raised by his mother. He wants to call him all the time and anything we give him he carries around well after we are gone and prizes above all else. Even with me! He's told his mom how much he loves me, his parents told me he treasures the books I give him, and he always likes to tell me about everything going on when we call. We love that little boy so much. It breaks our heart to hear the poor choices she makes for his life and how normal it seems to her due to her upbringing. His parents have been a big help but we also found out DHS was called on her by a stranger and random people of low quality character we don't know watch him during the week while she works. It's been painful to say the least.

However, God has been good to us.

By some miracle of God she agreed and signed (with a notary of course) that he could come stay with us until the fall and then she would have him for the school years and we'd have him for the breaks and summer until he was six and started kindergarten, once he turned six we would get him majority of the time from then on. It also included the money, child care when he's with her, and other important things that have been so so hard for us these last few years. She even finally agreed that if boyfriend is deployed or has to leave for military needs while little bear is with us, I will be the custodian until he/she makes arrangements otherwise. This was a big hurdle for us!

We have already been so joyful even about this progress and arrangement. Starting to get his room arranged and picked out what we want for it (once we have the money of course) has been so fun and exciting, after leaving it to sit sad and semi empty these last few months we finally feel like we can get started. Money has been tough, we want to fly out to get him ASAP but three plane tickets and a rental car is a lot of money plus even used car seats and some toys and such that we must have before he comes isn't cheap. But then today happened. Today when we thought we were already so blessed.

Baby mama called to tell boyfriend she thinks we should have little bear full time and she will just have him for breaks and holidays going forward. She knows she can't provide for him like we can and never gets to see him with her schedule. Sweet Jesus. Is this for real? The same hour I got a reminder about the deal from my airlines credit card that I get two $99 companion tickets and a day of free club access if I buy one round trip ticket. They fly from here to boyfriends home town and the dates we want to go aren't blacked out. What the heck? When Jesus was whispering to our troubled hearts, "Be patient. Be patient" is this why? Did He hope her heart would turn like this? Did He know this month the money would work out? Are we being blessed the pants off of?

The tickets alone will still be around $700 so we need to save and sort that out and mom and I are going to make a plan for what we need from now until then for him and work on it since boyfriend works so much right now. And we need to get her to sign a new custody agreement while were there. But all of this to say, our baby is coming home in about a month and we don't have to give him back. I feel like I just adopted a child. We are so happy it's ridiculous!

I am going to be a mommy!

Monday, March 04, 2013

It's Been Awhile...

By the ever wonderful Kurt Halsey

I have wanted to come and pour out my heart, truly I have! And there isn't even an excuse of time since my love is still working evenings and mine are spent laying around watching British dramas and making Trader Joe's dinners. So there isn't a proper excuse other than the breadth of all I feel I'd have to say. And how draining it makes me feel. So I don't even begin.

However, my boss is running late so I am snatching away 15 minutes this morning so try and get back in the game. I miss writing. I miss the time. Hopefully this will kick start me back into the routine of it.

Things are very much the same. His work schedule is still really hard on us and I am still crying here and there throughout the week. Usually Sunday afternoon when he leaves and I know I won't see him again for 5 days, and Thursday evening when I go to bed alone again and just can't take it anymore. I don't think the time apart and alone is really as difficult as the weekends seem to be. We have Friday evening through Sunday afternoon together each week. We don't really want to see anyone else and there isn't enough time to go away for the weekend, take a day trip on Saturday (since he needs to stay on his sleep schedule) to do something, or even see other friends and family who miss us. The last two weekends have been bombarded with invitations to girls nights, boys nights, family nights, etc that we can't deny and want to attend...but then its hurts our time together. And the left behind person gets upset and lonely knowing their love is somewhere else. I know it's better then him being deployed or away in Brazil like last year- this I know. But our little time together is so pressured. And I just feel sad. This is not how it is supposed to be. You aren't supposed to be away from your love like this. It'd almost be easier if he worked away for weeks but then was HOME when he was home and we could be together. It'd be about the same. Except we wouldn't get to sleep next to each other for 3 hours at night. Which isn't very exciting.

So I finally broke down and decided to ask for a half day on Friday's from work. It's been a month and is only getting worse, not better, and I feel like I should take advantage of my flexible work environment while I can. Then at least we'd have Friday afternoons off together and could do things on the weekend if we liked and just the 5 hours more together AWAKE would make such a difference. I don't know why I feel so nervous to ask!

Furthermore, we want to do premarital counseling, some cool couples retreats the base offers and any regular doctors appointments or government hour errands I need to run don't get done unless I take a half day here and there. Why not just have this planned time?

In other news I am still moving my ass and loving my new fitness routine. I literally can't believe my energy levels and how good I feel. If anything it is really helping with the stress and need to stay moving and keep busy while dealing with this change in our lives. Even working out 4 days a week I have only lost 2.5lbs in the last few weeks, but weigh in and take new measurements again Wednesday and expect some more. I'll be honest, choosing non processed, lean proteins, low-carb foods is easier than I thought it'd be. This is the easiest "diet" I've ever been on, which is good since it's not really a diet. Just a life change that's been in the works for a number of years. Slowly but surely cutting out icky things until we've gotten here (except on special occasions and some meals so as not to starve myself of things I like and risk falling off the band wagon entirely). I also broke down and quit cooking full on meals and just get the Trader Joe's semi prepared meals. Their salads and wraps for lunches with a fresh avocado, and fresh marinated lean meats and vegetables for dinner. Throw in some protein shakes for breakfast, nuts, and fruit for snacks and that's pretty much all we eat. Literally our fridge is a pile of salads for each of us hehehe. My stress level from meal planning and preparing went from a 10 to ZERO. Plus our food budget somehow comes up less and less each week too. I even found goat cheese filled ravioli there one carby night for this cow milk allergic lady! I really want to lose a significant amount of weight to at least be where I was a few years ago, but slow and steady wins the race I suppose.

Currently MOVING: 4x/week. 2 miles a day, running 1/2 mile of it. Strength training 3x/week following the run/walk. Arms, chest/back, legs. Killing it.