Friday, November 13, 2009

And I thought that was bad.

SO. I thought last week was the worst week of my life. Boy, was I sadly mistaken. This has been such a ridiculous week that I cant help but laugh (while crying of course) as things continue to go wrong.

TO BEGIN WITH. Remember why I was so stressed out last week? Trying to get my HUGE teacher performance assessment (TPA) done along with all my other school work. It was a wretched week. It took at least 10 hours, probably more. Plus 2 seminars I had to go to for it. It was due Monday at midnight and I finished Sunday evening! yay me! But after I had spent all this time copying and pasting my answers into the little boxes (seriously took an hour), and tried to click says the form was from last year? So I had to sign up again. and re-paste everything in, again. so then when I went to hit "submit", it says I have to be approved first. I did get approved Monday, so all I had to do was log on and click submit. thats all I had to do. But who is stressed out and forgot? And even if they had remembered it wouldn't have mattered because our internet was down because the cable just happened to be getting worked on that night. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had to get a cashiers check for $85 freaking dollars and fill out a special form and take it to school and drop it off so I can submit it late. Yep, thats right. Im paying $85 to submit something late that I had done a full 24 hours before. 12 hours worth of work. yep.

So that was the beginning of my Tuesday. Panic and anger over the TPA. Great. Tuesday also happened to be the day I was supposed to hear from Teach for America. I was hoping this would make me happier. Also, sadly mistaken. Not only did I not get placed in NY, I didn't get placed ANYWHERE. I was somehow not accepted into the Teach for America program at all. Most of you know this already. It was awful. I got the email toward the end of my day teaching and had to try and keep it together for the rest of the day...then as I was finally walking to my car the tears started to fall...then as soon as I was in my car it was serious cry fest 2009. I still catch myself thinking "oh when you move to NY...oh wait..." it really sucks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't accept me. I am already a teacher!!! I already work in low socio economic schools!!! My interview day was fabulous! I just don't understand. This is why I am cynical. This is why I try not to look forward to things, because they never work out and life is just a bitch. So now I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. and part of the reason I was so upset is because of that. It was just a lot of emotions. You plan for something and are so excited about it, and then BOOM. Nothing. Arg.

So that was my day. But don't worry. It keeps going. My week of shit. My dearest Number 2 offered to take me out that night to make me feel better, he told me to pick a movie and maybe we'll get a drink, just something casual. So I chose Couples Retreat because I just wanted to laugh and everything else looked lame or scary. So we were having a great time, laughing some, it was just getting good, WHEN THE MOVIE STOPPED WORKING. Yeah. just stopped. So they gave us free tickets for another movie and told us to wait a bit for it to come back on. 30 minutes later we were informed that it was broken for good and gave us our money back. yeah, that was my day. So we went and talked and I drank good beer and it was nice. It made me feel better just to be with him. He makes me so happy. so at least that was good.

The next day Number 2 heard from Notre Dame. he got an interview for their MBA program. Try being excited for your favorite person when you just got rejected and when it means they will potentially be moving across the country. Yeah, its pretty awesome and not at all taxing on ones emotions.

then yesterday. yesterday i sat in traffic all the way from small school to my college to drop off the freaking $85 and form. I finally get there, park, am ready to walk the long walk to the office...BUT DONT WORRY. I FORGOT THE MONEY AND FORM AT HOME. yep. this is my life.

So my heart is just exhausted. Plus, things with Number 2 are getting complicated. Things just hurt right now. But this weekend looks promising...
-last night had wine night with Melissa-so fun!
-tonight we're also getting my favorite Thai food.
-after dinner Number 2 and I might meet up for something fun.
-tomorrow I was going to visit Kelsey, but I don't think I can:( I have to go to a -museum for school and then Micah and I are going to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox (I love Wes Anderson!).
-Then Sunday morning is brothers birthday breakfast at a fancy restaurant in Del Mar with the whole family!

Things are looking up.

I'm still sad. I have still been crying every night a little. I think I just need time to be sad about everything. This sucks.

I know it will be ok. I know I will figure it out. I don't feel bad about myself. I just feel...sad.

I still love you NY.

Friday, November 06, 2009


You may not know that this has been the equivalent of my hell week. Ive been EXTREMELY stressed out all week due to a huge Teacher Performance Assessment (TPA) take home test we all have to do. Its literally at least 8 hours worth of work when I already have very little time to do homework as it is. PLUS I am taking my final CSET tomorrow and have had to find time to study for that...will be doing that today and spending the rest of the weekend trying finish the TPA, yippee:( So every night I have had to take ibprofun for these awful headaches I get from such long days and then have to try and work on the TPA or other homework. And I haven't been sleeping very much because I'm so anxious about everything I have to Im a bit of a mess.

Luckily, although very tired and still have bouts of fussiness, I am surprisingly joyful and doing ok. Normally I get pretty depressed when I get stressed out, but now this time. Could be that I take better care of myself. OR it could be because he still calls me everyday, sometimes 2-3 times to tell me funny stories or "just to hear my voice" because "he misses me". I know right, swoon. OR because I had to google the other day "what does love feel like" because sometimes I so sure Im falling in love. OR because he doesnt ever even use my name, he just calls me "beautiful", as in I pick up the phone and he always says: "hey beautiful". Yeah, who is this guy?

A 5th Date:
Number 2 and I had plans for Saturday evening late for a drink. Why was it going to be late? Oh, because his sisters are throwing a benefit concert for the hurricane victims in the Philippines and hes in charge of playing with his nieces during the event. He loves them. Its freaking PRECIOUS. But. We missed each other already. So when he texted me last night "I wanna see you" just when I was about to throw my books in the fire and call it quits on school in general, I gladly accepted his offer. I got to wear a new dress. And we went to a nice lounge type bar in La Jolla. We got to cuddle and talk a lot and it was so nice, and just what I needed. We tried to talk about "where is this going", but I think we are both still too scared to push things just yet. I'm scared of getting hurt and I think he's scared of getting his heart broken. We have issues. Who doesn't. I find out about Teach for America on November 12th, that will definitely influence things. So for now, we just know that we love spending time together. and that "I'm constantly on his mind". and that we like each other. I'm trying to let that be enough, but its hard. And I'm finding there are no right ways of going about things. There are so many options and ways I could handle us, any of them would "be fine" I just have to pick one.

Of course all of this doesn't help me sleep at night either. Oh the analyzing.

Monday, November 02, 2009


Things are good:)
I dont know what else to really write. I am happy. Despite being EXTREMELY stressed out with the amount of school work I have to do this week and over the next few weeks, he is actually the perfect glimmer of light while everything is so crazy. Except I have a hard time concentrating and focusing because I keep thinking about him and whats happening. Im trying really hard not to over analyze everything, but you know me. its really difficult. So instead I just replay all the sweet moments we have with each other and try not to dissect them. Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

Number 2 and I went shopping and had lunch together on Saturday afternoon. It was nice to spend time together, we just really like each other:)H&M didnt have anything...except I did get to replace my holey black cardigan with a new one. I dont want to throw away the old one though. its been ALL OVER THE WORLD with me! its been my partner in crime for so many years now, Europe, India, NYC, Portland, everywhere. So I might save it for the quilt im going to make. Then we went to Tiffanys, Jimmy Choos, and Bloomingdales. of course lots of cute things at Bloomingdales, of course everything was $200+. But he was so fun. and he had fun. and i didnt take forever trying things on or anything, and we just laughed and cuddled. but he was still getting over being sick so I could tell he was tired and not as silly as usual. but it was ok with me.

we still talk everyday on the phone and/or AIM. In fact, we're talking right now. I always have homework and hes always working on his grad applications, so AIM is working well for us in the evenings. But then we dont want to go to bed, so we're working on that. teehee.

one tiny little snippet to share. And you will see why I want to keep as much in my heart as possible. direct quote:
"I just adore you."

this is what Im saying. What do I do with this guy all adoring me, oh man.