Monday, June 27, 2011

Oh, Memories...

My dear old friend Jen came to visit me this weekend, we've been friends since I was in my "rock band" phase and was about 30lb heavier...And less attractive...

Here's us 4 years go...

And here's us now!

I loved my crazy hair, nose ring, and converse...but sometimes being a lady (and a bit thinner) is SO much better. And, I dont even look my best here: this is me exhausted and having just thrown something on to go get a drink.

10 points for me today!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer.

Apparently I am RIDICULOUS.

Last night we had a party for the one marine we haven't met yet, apparently a black guy from Mississippi. We all met at my flat and went together, I was SO excited to see Z and had been looking forward to it all week, I was hoping it would be a good night for me to continue trying to figure out if he was into me or not. We arrive and rather quickly the birthday boy starts very overtly flirting with me. Z is acting his crazy self and I just thought he was being goofy and I was still a little annoyed I couldn't figure him out yet. I was talking to everyone, but then birthday boy would want me to talk to him...then Z would be acting crazy and I'd talk with him...back and forth all night. Finally, birthday boy asks to take me on a "tour of the house"...which I've already seen. I still don't have Z figured out, so I decided...oh what will it hurt...and we go on a tour. He overtly compliments and flirts with me like a 15 year old kid, then we kiss a bit before going back into the party. Confusion doesn't begin to describe. TWO attractive and sweet guys hitting on you at the same time...but one your not sure if you can even call it that because he's always crazy anyway, isn't he?

The highlight of the evening might be me between the two of them in the back seat, with birthday boys arm around me on one side...and Z trying to hold my hand on the other. I was SO confused.

The rest of the night was drama trying to get everyone into the clubs...but birthday boy decides to be a little bitch the entire night and crab about how shitty his birthday party is going...and Z loses his keys and just mopes in the corner. I am OVERWHELMED by both of their attention, I just decided to do my thing and see what happens. Then we run into Africa on the way to the club. Yeah, that happened. I could NOT deal at this point and just tried to ignore both of the them the rest of the night.

Wake up in the morning and my friends tell me their observances. Apparently I was paying way more attention to birthday boy (even though he just turned 24, and leaves in 3 months), and Z was trying to get my attention the entire night then moped because it wasn't working. To them, it looked like I chose birthday boy and was ignoring Z-who was CLEARLY showing me he was into me all night. Ladies and gentlemen, unbeknownst to me- I was a player. I couldn't make a decision (didn't really feel like I had to since I just me both of them) so I just played both of the same party.


I didn't mean too. I just didn't know what to do, so I was just nice to both of them.

However, it comes down to this: Birthday boy is hot, a good kisser, and very sweet...but pretty obviously just wants to get laid and then is peacing out. As much fun as that would be, I think I would rather jump off this one night stand and 2 month lover train and try to embark on something more serious. I've been realizing the lack of actual relationships in my past love life...they are all just these little weird things of a few weeks, or that one entire year "kind of" relationship of some guy treating me like shit. I could see something substantial with Z for at least a little while, I enjoy his company so much and am very attracted to him.

But I may have fucked it up already. I just didn't know what was going on! I called Z today to maybe apologize and invite him to go to lunch with us, but he said later for a movie and dinner would be better. So I am all excited all day...then call him at the designated time and he says he's sleeping. So reconciliation. We'll see what happens tomorrow, maybe we'll end up doing something.

Not the brightest crayon in the coloring box this weekend.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Pretty Things: Emma

I just love these images from Emma's new Vogue spread. 


So much.

Monday We took out a friend for his birthday, roomie kept buying me drinks even though I said I only wanted one and then wanted to go home, but noooooo all of a sudden laughing all night turned into her trying to hook me up with the birthday boy, and then we were the most wasted we've been since I've been here and we had to carry each other home at 2:30a. It was RIDICULOUS. On a Monday? Really?

Was feeling too sick to go into work Tuesday (I know, failure) and now that its the end of the year so we aren't doing much anyway...and both girls have called in for the same reason recently too, so I stayed home feeling fluish and sleeping all day.

After I slept in a bit and checked my email, got a message from mom saying they found something in her lung that has a 50/50 chance of being cancer but we won't know until a second scan in September. So here I am, sitting in bed feeling like shit and crying my eyes out because all I can think is that my mother is going to die, soon. I was trying not to freak out, but couldn't help it. I already feel guilty for being so far away after she's been so what?

I talked to her later and she explained that its not that big of a deal and the procedure to get rid of it is simple...but the bigger deal is that if it is cancer then that means her chemo didn't work and its basically only a matter of time. So that was fun.

To top off my shitty day, Africa decides he finally has time for me and calls me twice and chats me on FB. He was just acting casually, like "hey Im done with my exams finally, how are you". I tried ignoring him because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with anything and was actually angry that with everything going on, I couldn't even call him because he was "busy". But he called me out on ignoring him, so I had to get into it. Lets start with, IT SUCKED. I tried to explain how I felt about it being inappropriate for him to completely ignore me for 9 days, that if he's busy then thats fine, he can be busy without me. I'm not waiting around for him. But he genuinely did NOT understand, and I just felt so horrible. He felt like since he told me before that he would be busy all week, I should be fine with it. He just felt like he was right and I was wrong, I was so frustrated. But I am emotional about so many things right now, I am still confused about how much to put up with...was I expecting too much from someone? I want a guy who puts me #1 and if he isn't that then I should just peace...right? I just wanted some texts, a FB message, SOMETHING. I understand being busy, I am busy...but I still MAKE time for the people I care about.

Monday, June 20, 2011

NOT What Was Expected.

This has nothing to do with the post, besides what fuels said weekend. And also, I love gin and tonic with an undying passion and always will.

Wow. What a weekend.

To begin with, haven't heard from Africa since...Wednesday when he wrote to tell me he couldn't come over as I requested for dinner and to help massage my messed up back because we was "too busy". Haven't seen him in a week, and haven't heard from him otherwise since that little message. Didn't show up all weekend. Didn't respond to my texts. Confused? Yeah, join the club. Apparently spending an awesome weekend together=being over it. So instead of waiting around for his ass to not be busy and give a shit, I'm not going to be offended and just decided that if he's too busy for me then, fine. I am over this waiting game bullshit. Seriously. We're not doing this anymore. I am not hurt, or even so much angry as I am just irritated.

ANYWAY (theres a reason thats a big anyway),
A young man we'll call Z has been hanging out with us all a lot recently. The first few times I met him, his hyperness and weird jokes stressed me out. He was sure I didn't like him, and really he just irritated me and I just wanted to chill. (More drama then that went down, but it was stupid and ended up just being drunk people and miscommunication. Shock, I know). However, after roomie convinced me we actually had a lot in common and to give him a chance, we've been chatting more the last few weeks when we go out and have so much in common I feel like I could actually survive here now that someone finally likes the same music, movies, books, humor, TV, books, etc that I do. He is 28, from Croatia/Bosnia, and is majoring in English at a university in Vienna.  He is super American, and even though he speaks like 4 languages-his English is the best out of anyone we've met here. Often we talk in "we" around him and forget he's not American. Besides all of that, I find myself very attracted to him. I did initially, but his hyper personality exhausted me so I let it go. I see now that it was just him trying really hard to either fit in with all of us or to impress me...because according to roomie, its very obvious that he likes me.

The Supposed Signs:
-He's told roomie he thinks I'm "so hot" and told me later how beautiful I am.

-Friday night he stayed on our couch and we watched TV together a bit and he was holding my hand and trying to kind of woo me, which I disregarded because I knew he'd been drinking.

-He then proceeded to spend the entire weekend with me...we all went out Friday, and he slept on our couch, then Saturday we all went to a BBQ, then snuggled with roomie and her bf watching funny videos and eating crappy food late at night. Sunday instead of leaving he asked me to go get coffee and then we went to the riverside and had a drink, thhe carried all my groceries home and taught me how to roast a chicken, more good music and movies were played, and he didn't leave until Sunday night. He slept on the couch the entire weekend, and besides holding my hand and telling me I'm beautiful Friday night there weren't any overt moves. He always asks "So where's Africa?" and encouraged me not to put up with boys ignoring me....which brother said is a good move on his part. Trying to wait until I'm officially single before swooping in.

Despite all of this, I am still not so sure he's that into me. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends here so he might just be excited to make a friend, and the hand holding may have just been drunkeness/horniness.

Consensus from roomie, brother, and mom is: WHAT WRONG WITH YOU, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU, HE STAYED ALL WEEKEND!

And somehow I am still on the fence. Maybe because I feel weird since Africa and I aren't officially over...but more so because I really really obviously like this guy and it's kind of freaking me out. Boys are easier when I don't care so much. But also for the obvious reason that he's social and outgoing and doesn't have a lot of friends in the city, so that = just friends...right?

So. He's gone until Wednesday and then I have my super awesome friend Jen in town until Saturday, but we'll all be partying all week, which means we'll see each other again and see if there are these supposed "sparks" you speak of.

Who knew my love life was so ridiculous? Besides you of course...



Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Two weeks ago we had school pictures taken of the kids wearing these cute little Slovensko hockey jerseys. The Kinder team took a fun one together, all the staff together, etc. It was horribly hot, and because everything in Europe is like a million years old, of course we don't have A/C or even properly opening I can blame some of this on it being humid and hot...and also that it was Friday and I tend to look and feel pretty dead by then anyway...but when we got the pictures back yesterday I almost cried.
Ok fine, I did cry.

I didn't realize how much weight I've gained in the last year, particularly in the last few months. I mean, I have legit reasons. My life has been EXTREMELY stressful in the last year...sometimes I'm surprised I didn't have a nervous breakdown. Then I moved to a foreign country to work my first full time job as a vegan/vegetarian in a country that doesn't even know what that means and has ZERO labels in English. So I need to cut myself some slack. But I just suddenly feel so horrible about myself. And if we're being honost, it's only around 10lbs or less that I've gained...but on my little body thats a lot. And I've always been "overweight" to begin with.

So, I've been pretty emotional yesterday and today. And then my boss is being a dick and making me switch with the current 4th grade teacher for a day and is going to observe me because I'll be teaching those kids in 5th grade next year. I tried to explain how strange that is to me since, you know, I'm an IN HOUSE HIRE, but he wasn't having it. I even have the school director on my side. So instead of more bitching, I'm just going to suck it up and do it next week. It's going to stress me out, stress out my kids, co-teachers, and the 4th grade girl who will take my place...and is pointless, but FINE, I'll even graciously accept your critiques while secretly wishing you'd shove them up your ass.

Plus, I fucked up my back sleeping weird the last 2 nights, have hardly heard from Africa due to his busyness, and am just so cranky!!!!

So it might just be time to read my stupid diet book and watch some Game of Thrones before I officially bite someones head off.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Currently have a man who goes shopping, brings food over, then proceeds to make me sit on the couch and watch TV while he cooks delicious African food for me. And not just once in awhile, but multiple times a week if I let him.

When we wake up in the morning, he makes me eggs, toast, and tea and we eat it in bed before he shoos me out the door for work.

I bought a little workbook and he is helping teach me French before we go to sleep.

I get dressed up and go sit at the fancy bar he works at and he buys me fancy drinks.

And I am finally getting used to falling asleep to French radio and being snuggled with the entire night.

I'm just saying, a girl could get used to this.
And probably should.
And stop taking bullshit from anyone else ever again.



Pretty Things: Classic Hollywood.

Oh I have just been SO inspired by these, too much beauty...


I Think We Can All Agree.

I think we can all agree, morning sex is the BEST.

There's nothing like falling asleep quickly because your both SO tired...then waking up in the morning half asleep, but refreshed, and snuggling. Until the snuggling turns into making out...and then the making out turns into your night gown up at your waist and hot sexy time to get you ready for the day. Every time I am lucky enough to have a male suitor stay over, the next day at work I definitely notice an extra hop in my step and swish in my walk. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "this is the BEST way to wake up!".

On that note, I think its fair to say I am still seeing Africa. I am EXTREMELY torn because I still don't feel those butterflies or sparkles with him...and I don't see myself falling in love with him...or even know if I want to. I don't want to fall in love and marry him OR fall in love and know its going to end and be hurt again. I just don't feel up for it. However, roomie seems to think its perfectly fine to be in a relationship long term and never love the other person. She's done it with her ex husband and her ex live in boyfriend...both of which are still hurt and can't get over her. Plus, she's kind of crazy so I don't know if I should even listen to her.

But there's something freeing about letting GO of the "I need to find someone to marry!" line of thinking that has been drilled into my head by my family, culture, and church growing up. Why can't I just enjoy people and worry about the marrying part when its around the time I actually want to be married? Which is certainly NOT now. Because obviously NOW is the "live it up in Europe" phase in my life. So maybe we should just try and enjoy the ride instead of constantly worrying about the destination.