2010 was BY FAR the worst year of my life. No idea how my family has even survived.
So here is to 2011!
So far starting it with falling in l-word...escaping to Europe for a grand adventure...and having a boat load of friends get married (I LOVE getting dressed up to dance with free food and booze! I mean...to celebrate your love...).
Today we move my things back to my parents, Postal Annex Guy gets to meet the rents and Annie.
So...we aren't technically having sex. Which of course is kind of ok with me since Im not sure if I totally love him yet...we havent said it. Plus, I havent officially gotten a title yet- which after douce bag Number 2, I realize for me its now a serious requirement before anyone gets a piece of this. Thats not to say he doesn't consider me his girl friend, I just havent asked (If you haven't noticed, theres a lot going on. And I think I might be a little scarred from Number 2 and am afraid to even ask).
But. I mean. If you've already done EVERYTHING else. Is there really even a difference?
I remember when I lost my V card right around this time last year (Novemer 15 to be exact) I was SORELY disappointed that after all of that hoopla my entire upbringing surrounding sex that was IT. I mean, really all it is is SUPER DUPER fun. Thats about it. I didn't suddenly feel super attached to Number 2 more than I already felt before, in fact I was pretty sad afterwards that that was all it was. I was VERY disappointed. So much psychological damage for THAT? A few of my friends said they felt the same way afterwards too. However, I dont know how I would feel afterwards if it was with someone sleazy I didn't feel anything for. Therefore I try to keep it special and follow my two requirements: Love & Commitment.
However, back to the original question. If we've already done everything else and have been pretty damn intimate with each other, will sex really be that much more?
I'd like to venture a simple NO. No it will NOT be that much different.
And to be honest, Id really like to sleep with him before I leave for 6 months. Because I really do care about him that much.
My mom keeps trying to convince me not to move away, and has now enlisted using the boy as a new excuse for me to stay. We've been texting about it while I cry and pack up my room for the move home tomorrow. She just point blank asked me...
Mom: Do you love him?
Me: um, I've only known him for a week and feel ridic saying yes...so lets just say Im falling for him.
Mom: It can happen.
UM. Was that just my mother telling me I would be justified in my feelings if I came right out and said I fell in love in a week? Because, uh...WEIRD. Who knew mom was an old romantic? But I guess we've been spending a lot more time together then most people who date and who I've dated do...I mean typically theres 1-3 dates each week for a month or so and talk on the phone...and then usually you start to fall for them. But in my case, we've been having "dates" everyday for 9 days. Thats a huge fast forward. Like smashing a month of dating into a week. Plus, theres the "love at first sight" theory. And the "soul mate" theory. And my personal, "The Click" theory.
But now a better question, will Postal Annex Guy wait for me? I am too excited about living abroad and teaching to not go. And I told him I could just go for the 6 months and then come back. So really, it's all up to him. If he knows whats good for him, he'll wait for this hot piece of ass.
Last night he spent the night again, of course, but I was all hopped up on pain meds for my back and he didn't get in until late so we just held each other all night. Upon his entrance the first thing I said all half asleep,
"Hey baby...Im all high off my pain meds"
"haha ok, lets just go to sleep"
He woke up and went to work then came back for the few hours I was free...Im telling you he is just enthralled with me! Its so sweet. We fooled around...afterwards we were snuggling and napping and I popped the big question. I sat there for like 10 minutes trying to phrase it right.
"So. You can just answer honestly and don't have to worry about hurting my feelings. But...are we just fooling around until I leave or do you want this to be something?"
"No, I want this to be something. Which is hard given the circumstances."
"Well, I dont have to stay the entire time there"
And that was that.
Then we fell asleep wrapped up in each other until I got hungry and he took me out for lunch. After lunch we went for a walk in the storm looking at the beach houses and picking out the ones we liked while the wind whipped around us and it drizzled here and there, que romantica.
Still always opening my doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, pulling out my chair, insists on paying, walking me to my door, calling me gorgeous, I dont think he's just putting up a front. He just IS a gentleman. He just left and then 5 minutes later popped back in to kiss me more and tell me we should go for more walks, like at Balboa Park...WHO THIS GUY?!
Oh, AND he offered to help me move using his truck on Friday. He offered to help me pack tomorrow morning before I have museum plans with my dad and he has work. My parents are like...in shock...that this guy I've only known for a week wants to be so involved in my life. Especially since I am leaving.
I am having serious reconsiderations about leaving for 6 months. But whenever I think about NOT going I don't like that idea either. Maybe it will be good for us. Getting to know someone over the phone is actually really lovely because your forced to talk and not be distracted by hormones. And hes finishing his PhD this semester so he's busy too and may be displaced afterwards by a new job anyway.
I am overwhelmed with life decisions. But I dont think its really MY style to stay home from an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity for a boy I've only known for...a week. However, I am also a romantic and know a good "click" when I feel one.
PAG stayed over the night before and went to work for a few hours in the morning before coming back. We were both tired so we just...went back to bed. For the entire rest of the day. This is what Im saying!!! We watched my favorite movie of all time, Almost Famous, and then fell asleep...we would wake up and fool around (obviously)...then cuddle and talk, then fall asleep again. THE BEST DAY EVER. Finally we got hungry and decided to venture out into public, he planned an evening for us at a yummy restaurant and then to get treats at the store and eat them at home back in my bed. So we drank wine and ate an assortment of cookies and cake in my bed all snuggled up. Talked about philosophy. Laughed a lot because we both have all these funny voices we do absent mindedly.
Then we went to sleep wrapped up in each other like at any moment one of us would disappear.
Not going to lie, after jerk face Number 2 I am constantly in shock at what a gentleman PAG is. Always offering to do things for me, opening doors, stands up when I come to the table, puts on my coat, insists on paying, constantly complimenting me, calls and texts me. With Number 2 I felt like my self confidence dissipated every time I saw him or spoke with him for a number of reasons, with PAG its like my self confidence soars through the roof. Every time he looks at me its like Im the most beautiful girl in the world. He'll be talking to me and forget mid sentence what hes saying. But he's so genuine about it I can hardly handle it. Number 2 would tell me things but I knew it was because he wanted something...sex or my friendship...and because he had been with so many girls I constantly felt like he was comparing me to them. Which he probably was.
Plus, PAG is so helpful! He just wants to fix things for me and offers to do things for me, I am overwhelmed! He is happily going offering his truck and strong manly arms to help move me back home Friday, who is this guy? Including buttering my muffin, which OMG I have never met a man who actually asks if I want it, and loves to make me happy.
However, once again. Im moving to fucking Slovakia. Which I am still just THRILLED about. I am so glad its open ended and that I am for sure home in 6 months. I just hate not knowing whats going to happen with PAG and I. And every time I bring it up he just gets sad and says, "Can we just not talk about it?". So I dont know whats going to happen. But I guess thats part of the ride.
Who knew I would meet the man of my dreams at a Postal Annex 2 weeks before I was set to move out of the country?
In other news, Ive been cuddled so much that my left upper back is DONE. So old lady is currently on pain pills with the heating pad in bed right now. Ridic.
PAG and I have both been so busy during the day and evenings over the holidays, we just stay up late at night doing a whole lot of this. I don't sleep much and my back hurts from being wrapped up...but I also can't stop smiling. Totally worth it.
Have been immensely enjoying my final days and weeks as they coincide with the holiday.
Precious moments with loved not soon to be forgotten.
The Momma who almost didn't make it to Christmas. I kept overhearing my dad say to her, "We almost didn't make it to this Christmas did we". The entire day we were just all so happy to be together we didn't care to do anything but lay around and watch funny things on TV. Precious indeed.
Wishing You A Very Merry Christmas from Black and Lashes.
No sex, which is more than fine with both of us, but SO MUCH FUN either way.
He stayed over after girls night and we just slept wrapped up in each other. I haven't been sleeping well due to stress, so he just gave me kisses and a massage and held me close so I could sleep. I can't explain the preciousness of the moments. We just love being with each other and waking up together. To be honest, its something I've never really done with anyone. I've only slept all night with a boy once and it was with SS and it wasn't really anything exciting. PAG and I spent some time in the morning together before we both had to rush off for Christmas eve festivities. Today we were both obviously busy with our families for Christmas but are getting together again tonight.
So...I MAY have met the man of my dreams...I mean, seriously. You know that "list" you have in your head of what you would like in a man...this one might just meet all of the criteria. To the point that its actually a little scary and overwhelming...especially since Im moving to SLOVAKIA in 2 weeks. Perfect timing life! Your awesome!
Postal Annex Guy (PAG) came over yesterday around noon and brought me lunch...oh mind you, we went to bed at 2am the night before and he woke up at 6am to go to the school and get some work done so he could spend the rest of the day with me- Uh, I know, SWOON. So we ate the sandwiches he brought and then spent the next 5 HOURS making out...then sleeping tangled up in each other snuggled under my heating blanket while it rained and stormed outside. So wonderfully romantic. Finally, we got hungry so we decided to go down to a really pretty part of the city for an AMAZING Mexican dinner and walked around the vintage Hotel Del Coronado looking at lights...making fun of the tourists...walking on the beach...it was perfect. He asked people to take pictures of us around the hotel a few times, it was so sweet. It's hard for me to even put in words his precious demeanor and way with me...he continually compliments my looks and brains, thanks me for being with him, has impeccable old school dating manners and etiquette, and genuinely seems to enjoy my company and everything about who I am. You my dear readers, KNOW ME. You KNOW I have never been treated like this unless a boy was trying to get into my pants. It's come to the point where I dont trust men anymore AT ALL. I just accept the compliment and move on without dwelling on it...because I know that they know that if they call a girl beautiful enough they'll get some. Not happening.
BUT, ladies and gentleman. Not so with this fellow. He is not trying to get into my pants. He is just that lovely. I dont want to get into anymore details, you just have to trust me...you know that point where you actually like someone for real and don't want to spill every single thing because its kind of all a treasure? Well I kind of feel like we're at that point. I want to keep some of these treasures between him and I...maybe to be spilled later.
After Coronado we fell into bed and spent the night together tangled into a ball of bliss. He slept without a problem, but I tossed and turned like the night before thinking of all the things I have to do for Christmas and OMGI'm moving to Slovakia. This morning he woke up early and went to work so he could come back and take me out for awhile before I had to meet my amazing girls for our yearly Christmas girls night. We spent a few hours together again today before my big night...he texted me to tell me he was thinking about me while I was gone. When we're together its just like we've been together forever.
I am kind of in la la land and not really thinking straight about things. I was 3 hours late to spend time with Cassie today and didn't even call to tell her I would be late, which she would have been fine with if I had just fucking called...IRRESPONSIBLE + BAD FRIEND. I am not nearly done with my Christmas presents, because I had the choice between using my given time to make them OR spend it with a beautiful man who is enthralled with me. Yeah, I thought the choice was obvious too.
I just had a date with the most wonderful man....turns out Postal Annex Guy (PAG) is amazing.
We met to see The Kings Speech, which was fantastic by the way, and actually a really good first date movie because I could tell his tastes and historical education by our conversations during and afterwards AND there wasn't any awkward sex or weird stuff in it. He'd already bought our tickets when I got there, and then got us a soda to share...which I had like one sip since I dont drink soda anymore- but it was too cute, I didn't have the heart to tell him. We chatted during the previews and movie...and friends, the "awkward I dont know you-this is a first date-are you going to hold my hand? Do I want you too? I am uncomfortable" weirdness that is typically in place during my regular first dates...was NOWHERE to be found. We got along so well and I was very comfortable and relaxed--- that also may be in part to my new found "I am fine alone, but a relationship would be nice" confidence and freedom too. And for the second half of the movie he held my hannnnnd and rubbed my leggggggg and it was so niiiiiice.
After the movie he walked me to my car and we had a PERFECT first kiss in the rain with the wind swirling my hair...like something right out of The Notebook. Seriously! I am not always a first date kisser...unless we really connect I definitely veto. CONNECTION MADE. Plus, he is an excellent kisser. Since it was pouring, I drove him to his car....but then we just ended up sitting in my car talking and kissing on and off for like...uh...2 hours?
You know what was sweet? We just MADE OUT. No clothes were even taken off. And he just kept complimenting me all night, I was slightly taken aback. And it was very sweet compliments, not the "I am trying to get into your pants" compliments. I was surprised. Still wary! Don't worry! I havent fallen completely off my rocker just yet!
He invited me "to see his house" and even if he was genuine about not wanting me to come inside and sleep with him I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was already super turned on making out and REMEMBER how I've only had sex once in like...7 MONTHS.
I just got home...its like 2am and I had the longest and weirdest day ever so I am exhausted. But I just couldn't wait to tell you all!!!!
Good First Dates CAN happen to good people.
Annnnnnd he just called me to make sure I got home ok, say good night, and confirm our plans for tomorrow. He's going to bring me lunch and grade papers while I make Christmas presents.
Today began as any ordinary day, had to venture to the postal annex across the street to send somethings and make come copies...however whilst there a cute young man pulled the ol' "You look familiar...do I know you?" and we flirted it up by the copy machine while the cute little Asian owner made our copies for us because we both were having a hard time figuring it out. Thank God I looked hot and sexy today just to run errands. One thing leads to another and he gets my number...and we're going out tonight?! We were supposed to go salsa dancing, which would have been AMAZING...but all of my friends and mom freaked out about him driving me so far alone and you know...SEX TRAFFICKING!!! AHHHH speech #132. Plus, some tragic events just happened within my friendship group today and I am pretty worn out so I suggested we do something else, and maybe meet there?
HE suggested a movie. I was too nice to veto since first date movies kind of suck. But I am finally going to get to see The Kings Speech since my parents flaked out all weekend about going.
He's some kind of physicist. He has his PhD. He was in the same program as Cassie...and understood better then I did when I attempted to explain what she does. I think hes originally from Uganda since I snuck peeks at the documents he was copying.
Oh shit, I just realized we're going to the same theatre me and Number 2 ALWAYS went to to see movies at. The theatre I had SEX in with him...ahaha I don't think I've told that story on here. From behind bitches!!!
NONE OF THAT WILL BE HAPPENING TONIGHT. No sex. No awkward make out hickeys.
We're just going on a nice normal date to the movies with the physicist I met today at Postal Annex, right?
Oh God, knowing me tomorrows post is going to be a doozy.
"I was scared to be alone. Now Im afraid thats how I like to be"- Azure Ray
Micah, referring to my 5 days in LA by myself: Didn't you get lonely?
Apparently something has happened.
I was SO afraid of being alone when things ended with all of my gentleman suitors and I took this dating sabbatical. I didn't even like being alone at my apartment all of the time. I tried to fill my schedule with fun things with friends so I wouldn't have to sit and be that sad lonely girl I knew was burrowed inside me.
But now suddenly, I am fine being alone. I just spent 5 days in LA in a huge house with 2 dogs.
A dog lady.
I am a 25 year old dog lady.
And...it was awesome?
I took myself to museums galore, read tons of books, watched Law and Order CI until I puked, cooked and baked, went for walks, drove around listening to Katy Perry "Cause baby your a firework!" and looked at Christmas lights on giant houses, went shopping...oh, and I brought the vibe and was alone for 5 days so that made entertaining myself pretty easy too.
So now of course Im freaking out, pretty much AM the Azure Ray song. Totally afraid that I LIKE being alone and am turning into a hermit or that Im going to start pushing men away and go all "independent woman" on their asses.
How do you balance the confidence of "I am fine alone" with the "But I do want a relationship".
Well...I guess just like that.
Everything reminded me of this beautiful video/poem, "How To Be Alone". Enjoy.
Pretty stressed out with the international move, Christmas, and trying to see everyone in town before I fly away. So besides a few posts here and there over the next 2 weeks, lets take a little break for the holidays.
Ill try and post lots of pretty things while I am away to keep you sustained and get ready for AMAZING Slovakia posts!
Official Fly Away Day: January 6th.
Talk about it.
So get off your computer and go spend the day with all of your favorite people who are finally all in town at the same time! Drink too much and eat too many cookies. Sleep in. Make gifts out of pretty paper. Snuggle. Watch A Muppet Christmas Carol.
So tonight was Annies lovely Christmas party, and while I am fighting a cold, it actually really helped to drink some wine and numb my sore throat and head awhile laughing with friends. Things were good until Hotty McNeighbor showed up...of course he was invited, but we haven't had a real conversation since...well, since that night and then I never heard from him again. Thank goodness for alcohol otherwise it would have been really awkward, but we settled for sufficiently awkward for the first while and later had fun laughing over games and drunk Annie.
Annie was flirting UP A STORM with him...but its hard to tell when she's just messing around. And he kept looking at me. Then when he left he gave me a lingering hug and said, "bye gorgeous".
So something was there. Oh...and tomorrow hes making us an Oyster feast because hes apparently some broker for an Oyster farm and he sells to all the fancy seafood restaurants so its a huge treat. I've never had them before, so its bound to be interesting.
So heres the question, if Annie makes out or hooks up with him...its WEIRD right?
Try and guess what happens when you mix the following...
not eating fruit + not taking vitamins + not exercising + eating all carbs and sugar + cold weather + playing with kindergartners = ???
Yep, you guessed it. Woke up with the sniffles and a sore throat. Remember I was just sick over Thanksgiving?! Not even a month ago?! I still even have a cough from it! Lately I've been scolding myself for my recent poor living habits (...uh...and have been blaming it on Christmas), so if I ever needed a reminder boost to get back to my normally healthy self- this has to be it.
So off we go to the drugstore to start pumping the emergenC and zicam because there is no way I going to miss all of the Christmas festivities starting tonight. Ugh. I suck.
But this rainy afternoon me and the rents are going to see:
Am I the only one who finds it sad that I couldn't think of anyone who would want to see this with me...except my parents? Everyone I could think of live far away or have significant others. But dates with my super fun parents are kind of awesome, so I am choosing not to feel like the lamest 25 year old this side of the Mississippi.
I couldn't leave the store without this little sparkly pink Christmas tree.
Currently also acts as our night light.
I saw these adorable ribbons with puffs for purchase that I was planning on posting here for a fun Christmas decorating idea, but unfortunately due to the computer crash of 09 I can pretend that making these were all my idea! Roomies pictured!
So instead of buying these, simple steps to create your own include:
1) Buy hot glue gun
2) buy 1 spool of red ribbon ($1)
3) buy bag of multi colored puffs ($3)
4) hot glue on opposing sides
5) String around your apartment like a fairy on crack
I also had some pretty letters leftover from my birthday decorations and made a few corny banners for around the house too. "Christmas" (didn't have another M to include Merry, opps) "Joy" and "Peace". Steps include...hot glue letters onto ribbon. Boom.
In my opinion, the Oscars can suck it. The Golden Globes are WHERE its at. Even if you just watch the two shows...clearly everyones drunk and having a ball at the Golden Globes, while the Oscars are so haughty and pompous...overdone if you ask me. Usually I adore the best picture nominations and have added these babies to my "see over Christmas and before moving abroad" que. Plus, if you loooove the Oscars then these will most likely be nominated for those too...so you can get a head start!
During a year of shitty movies here are the ones I feel would be most worth our time...
The Black Swan
I already have a serious adoration for Natalie Portman and have been waiting and waiting for this baby to come out. It appears to be a serious "play with the audiences mind" type of movie with beautiful ballet just to top it off- which Portman trained extensively for. Looks creepy good! Plus, you'll be getting a bunch in one since Natalie landed herself a Best Actress nomination and Mila Kunis landed a best supporting actress too. It's in theatres now.
Saw this in the theatre last summer, hopefully you did too, if not then find yourself a big ass blue ray TV and get ready for the RIDE of your life. Fantastic acting by Leo and the gang, plus the writing and visuals are just stunning. I knew it would earn a nomination, really fantastic. Add to que.
I dont know how many "boxer" movies based on a true story there can possibly be, but apparently a lot. Ok, that was my feeling about this film before I heard the Fresh Air interview with Melissa Leo who plays the mother, on NPR yesterday. They played a few clips and I was hooked. It isn't just about boxing- It appears to be more about the family dynamics between the two brothers (HELLO Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg), and the rest of the family. If I know Christian...the acting will just be superb, and Mark earned himself a Best Actor nomination too. Amy Adams and melissa Leo both earned best supporting nominations too! Plus, unlike me, if you have a boyfriend I am betting this is one you'll both love. I however will most likely be going alone or with Cassie.
How cute does this look?! And HOW did I miss this? Anything with Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter, and Geoffrey Rush must be wonderful. Plus, it won peoples choice at the Toronto film festival-which is a pretty dang prestigious festival to win. Apparently when King George IV (Firth) suddenly becomes king, his horrible speech impediment hinders him from really being able to act as King (since speeches are kind of a thing with Kings), so his wife and the current queen in real life (Bonham Carter- best supporting nom) get him a speech therapist (Rush- best supporting nom) and they form this sweet friendship and help him overcome the issue. This becomes invaluable when England goes to war and the King is able to give a serious address to inspire the country. I see a tear jerking speech at the end of the movie coming on...which is probably how Colin earned his Best Actor nomination too. This came out here in November and isn't on Netflix yet, so you have to save it to your que.
I only saw a handful of movies in the theatres this year, but I made sure to get out to see this one. I'm sure you did too, since I feel that it's pretty much the movie of our generation. If you live under a rock, the movie is about the start of Facebook. Beautifully written and acted, plus I remember the score being pretty kick ass too. Our little Jessie Eisenberg earned a best actor nomination too...I feel like I KNOW him after this movie, even though he's just an actor- I somehow feel a little "proud". Add to que.
I don't know that I need to say more then the following: Johnny Depp & Angelina Jolie- filmed in Paris and Venice. Eye candy to the MAX. Plus, apparently some good acting since they both also earned best acting nominations, and it's in the comedy section so they're funny? I've never seen Jolie be funny so I am more than intrigued. In theatres now.
When I saw the preview, I gasped a little. Then I found out that Ryan MOVED IN with Michelle for awhile prior to filming to get them into character (no wonder they both got a nomination). And that the movie has a hot and heavy sex scene that almost got it an NC17 rating. Plus the entire soundtrack is by Grizzly Bear. This might be my favorite movie this year, right up there with Rabbit Hole. It comes out at the end of the month- cant wait.
Love & Other Drugs
Jake Gyllenhaal AND Anne Hathaway both earned themselves acting nominations for this comedy, which I really wanted to see but it just slipped through my fingers (sometimes preparing to move abroad does that, ya know?). Couldn't love those two actors more, and in a film about a weird non cookie cutter romance set in the 80s? Sign me up. Still may be out in some theatres.
You've already heard me gush about this stunner of a film here, but as expected Nicole earned a best actress nomination that she damn well deserved. As I look over the films nominated for best drama, I have zero idea why this one wasn't included. It knocked them all out of the park. It isn't all sad either, I promise there is some comedic relief and hope. Gorgeous film about real people and real life. This comes out today, so do yourself a favor and go see it.