Thursday, September 30, 2010

Something Pretty

I've decided to start posting pretty pictures from time to time that I find inspiring. Enjoy.


Started packing my room today. Packed almost all of my personal pictures and little things I have from's pretty plain in here now. I think I have my head around my parents potentially selling the house now. I am sad. But I am also excited to move in with my friend...hoping everything with Bella goes ok that is...and to be a real adult grown up with my own place! So fun!

Today the dad of the babycakes went over "what's expected of me" day to day. Besides watching the baby, I am also supposed to do everyones laundry whenever it needs to be done, clean the kitchen counters, vacuum and totally clean the babies play area after the day is done, and of course walk the dog and baby everyday. Eventually I'll also be running errands for them as well, weekly grocery shopping, dry cleaning, etc. The laundry, kitchen, and baby area were hardest for me. I always do the babies laundry and clean up our play area at the end of the day, but I did leave out a few toys on his mat for them to play with him with and his burp cloth and stuff that we use all day- and apparently that wasn't good enough. Plus, why don't you clean up after yourself in the kitchen? I'm not your maid. And I REALLY dont want to clean and fold your dirty underwear, thanks. I am not your domestic help, I am your college educated NANNY. I know its tough to distinguish between me and your gardeners, but please try and remember I am a credentialed teacher. And went to college so I wouldn't have to do someones laundry. So now not only am I bored and not mentally challenged in my job, but I am doing housekeeping too. Since he's older, I think he was single and able to be neurotic and clean for so long that he has NO IDEA what is going to happen when the baby starts walking...or maybe he wont ever have to experience the potential mayhem because he'll have a nanny. But it won't be me.

I am trying to keep a good attitude. Be thankful that in this economy I even have a job that pays as "decently" as it does...even though I have made way more in other jobs but whatever. I am also trying to remember that the reason I do all these little things is so they get to spend more time with the baby. And that I get a raise in 5 months. And to have integrity and put my heart into EVERYTHING I do. And that its only temporary.

I have already been looking for teaching jobs for next year. A few are posted already, so I need to get my act together and scan everything to send in for the jobs. Applying for teaching jobs is A LOT of work...every application wants all this shit scanned in and sometimes you have to fill out essays, just for the initial application! Its ridiculous. So I am going to try and focus on the job stuff and moving for the next month or so. And trying to plan an escape. Either Kelsey, something with Number 2, or both! And me and Annie want to do Vegas for a night or two in December too:) So fun! Might try and take a break from the intense dating for awhile. I'm a little burned out. May just be the lingering effects of Hawaii still though.

Although I may have a date tomorrow night with Mustache. A new fellow whom I have been corresponding with, he wants to get coffee tomorrow evening and I accepted. He's pretty cute actually. He's supposed to text me with the plan...he's been a little slow to respond so I don't know if anything will actually happen but, you never know.

Ughhhh I'm so tired of being so tired all the time!!!! It's only 8pm and I already want to go to bed. I need to start working out. And taking vitamins.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Last Night With SS

WELL last night was another fantastic night with SS. We had a really fun time together of Thai food and a drink at the bar down the street and laughed the night away. We always have such a fun time together! BUT towards the end of the night he started telling me all about his pot smoking ways...apparently he has a medical marijuana card for some fake issue he made up and gets pot delivered to him and smoke not just everyday, but A LOT. Also, he never touches me in public or will just kiss me EVER. I have to be the one to initiate it and I HATE that. One of the things I really liked about Number 2 is that he always held my hand or kissed me passionately or would sneakily grab me inappropriately in public...even now when we hang out after a year I can tell how attracted he is to me whenever we hang out. Not so much with SS. Half the time I dont even know if he likes me. At first it was amazing because it came off as so sweet and respectful, but now I see he's just insecure and afraid of me rejecting him. Especially since last night he didn't kiss me or touch me AT ALL, even when I was leaving. But then he texts me afterwards,
"so I thought about kissin u bye...but didnt want u to snap on me so I is a rain check for you"

WHAT?!?! We've have been dating a month or so..why would I snap on you?! What does that even mean?! I've never even done that before?! WHAT?! Ridiculous. Get some balls dude.

BUT when we've made out he does try and take off my clothes and I know its there...just something is weird.

SO I think it was a good experience to help me push us into the friend zone entirely. I was even more unattracted to him after the pot smoking and kissing issues, plus we were able to spend an entire evening together acting just like friends anyway.

Well, its Wednesday and I haven't heard from Crew. So he's off the list. Bye beautiful man.

Number 2 and I are talking about taking a trip together within the next few weeks and hanging out this weekend. (SEE how complicated my love life is?) He might be going to Chicago or San Francisco to interview with Notre Dame again, and it's been mentioned more then once that I should come. I also want to go to the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs and suggested we both need a vacation and should go for a long weekend if he doesn't end up flying somewhere to interview. I think it's really hard for him to watch me go out with other guys, in fact I know it is because he's told me. But I always say, "you could have hung out with me tonight. You could hang out with me any night you want. But you dont." I go back and forth if he's genuine about being too much of a mess to be in a relationship with me, especially since I've heard that coming genuinely from other guys to their girls too. And because I talk to him so much I do know how much of a mess he is. Last night he wanted to go to the movies with me but I was busy SUCKA. That felt good. And weird. But It was probably good for him to know I am desirable and busy and am not waiting around for him to hang out with me like I did pretty much all of last year. But if he's genuine then should I keep being a bitch and throwing my dating life in his face? I dont exactly know the role I should take in all this. I never have.

today I have off! Just trying to run errands and clean up post Hawaii mess. This weekend I think I need to spend starting to pack. This weekend my hopefully future landlords will be meeting Bella and see if she's approved for my big move! I sure do hope so! Ok I am STARVING and its 1p and all Ive done is shower and then sit in bed and pay to be productive!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Today I walked around the house with a fussy babycakes listening to Arcade Fire and telling him about all of my relationship issues. Usually we do this on our walks, but it was just too hot today. I am getting yummy Thai food and hanging out with SS again tonight. Half of me keeps telling myself I need to end it tonight before I get attached or before we have sex and I get attached...the other half just says to enjoy a snuggle and date partner as long as I want. Baby just cried in his response. He's not always helpful.

Plus. We all know who my heart really belongs to. And how much I hate it and how confused I am all the time, and how its still somehow true.

I've decided I need to lose 10lbs asap. I've always had these way bigger goals since I'm a curvy lady of lose 50lbs!!! or lost 25lbs!!! But I think I would just like to stick with 10lbs and leave it at that. I promise not to go into detail about what Im eating and how much Im exercising...because seriously, no one cares.

last night Micah and I got random tickets via a spill from twitter that Conor Oberst was going to be joining a little folksy band downtown last night! We quickly bought tickets as the rumor spread through SD. By the afternoon they were sold out! For the record, I have been a Conor Oberst/Bright Eyes fan since Cassie and I were in High School...he writes the most BEAUTIFUL and sweet songs. And in college Micah and I would sit in her house and she would play the songs and we'd sing them...huge fans. Everyone there was practically in SHOCK because its such an honor to get to see him. SO HAPPY. Except sometimes I'm an old woman and get really mad when the show doesn't start until 10:30 on a week night and its standing the entire time, I can only see about 50% of the time because of too many tall people, the girl on one side is whacking me with her purse every time she moves, and the weird people on the other side are talking super loud during songs. Such a grandma. I think also, still recovering from long Hawaii week. We didn't get out of there until 12:00, I took the wrong freeway and didn't get home until 1am and had to work today. See what I mean, old woman. So I have basically napped during everyone of the babies naps today.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Oh Perfect.

iam 36 looking for someone real who is so passionate and innocent heart who is not a cheater and accept to be under the leadership of a man

Important Decisions

During my day off yesterday and today during my wonderful morning alone traveling (had an earlier flight from Kauai to Oahu) I made some big decisions.
1) I don't think this nanny thing is a long term thing for me. I was hoping to find a high end family and work as a professional nanny, etc. Not only did I not find that, but the job I do have does have its perks and I do LOVE my babycakes to death...I miss teaching. I miss having job challenges, never being bored, being creative, being busy, actually teaching. I was going back and forth with if I want to just nanny for a few years and take it easy or if I want to start my "career", although I feel I made the right decision for this time of my just isn't for me. I am not domestic help. I am the lady who hires domestic help. Hawaii has taught me this. BUT it's a job during a time when there aren't any. AND I love my babycakes. So it is ok for now.

2) I am not sure how to use my LOVE of babies and kids without being a nanny other then that someday I am going to be a great mom. I thought nannying would totally be my thing, but it's really hard working for parents however nice they are most of the time. Again, I am not "The Help" type of lady. I am the one who takes a nanny to Hawaii...except we are in the Caribbean...and I dont just dump my kids with her all week.

2) I am going to try and move to NYC again. I have the spare $80 to apply and get my reciprocity agreement so I can teach in the state of New York, and they are going to post their hiring stuff in December. Until then I am going to work on a case study of babycakes and try and to do some other teaching focused classes or something until next year so my resume doesn't just say "nanny". I am also going to apply for some other cities, but NYC is a must. I dont want to go away forever...just awhile.

3) The money I am saving over this year for a car...I am going to put toward moving somewhere where I dont need a car. sucka.

4) I want to open a clothing store or trunk store or fashion blog? I know my inspirations...I just need to research the crap out of how to actually do it and start doing it. Baby steps on this one...since I know very little about the industry other then how much I know my fashion and I do know general business.

*5) I need to stop talking to Number 2 again. I need to tell SS we should just be friends.

*Don't know when these things will actually happen since I am the WORST.

PS: So excited to come home!!! Gave my Bella the biggest snuggle and then proceeded to discover that she was literally INFESTED with fleas 2010!!!! I dont know what happened since she hardly ever goes outside and I had medicine on her!!! IT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER (other then moth colony 2008- another story for another time). I could go into a lot of details at the grossness of my poor sweet neglected Bella, but instead you'll be happy to know she got a serious flea bath and is now snuggled next to me clean as a whistle. Tomorrow she goes to the groomers too. She was all bedraggled anyway, it looked like my entire family ignored her all week. Not sure I can leave her in their care ever again after this one, GOOD LORD.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nanny's Day 'O' Fun!

This is what I got to enjoy ALL day!

Pretty pond where the mosquitos like to breed and eat you.

Found this fruit on a bench just for funsies!

Cool plantation house now turned gift shop where you can buy crap you dont need

Just nice tables and shade amongst the green trees and pretty flowers

I slept in as long as I wanted...or was able to with the kids squeaking all morning...then visited the tidepools and the fishies and crabs...then the spouting horn up the road and bought a cute turquoise bangle. Then across the street to the free BEAUTIFUL botanical gardens. Then pumped Rhianna in my minivan all the way to the Hyatt where I explored the AMAZING far the best hyatt/hilton Ive ever been to...gorgeous views, beach, and this lagoon style looking pool with sand and rocks and a slide and OH MAN. Drank fruity drinks and ate lunch by the pool (splurged and got fries with parm cheese and garlic on them!!! so good!) my massage at the FANTASTIC spa (which the family I work for bought for me-THANKS:) and just sat by and in their pool reading people style watch and drinking their fruity water. It was getting later and I was all sleepy so I was about to leave when they had a Hawaiian music and hula show in the lobby overlooking the water and I just plopped myself down to watch and drank some wine and never wanted the day to end. Plus, I looked hot today and all the fat, white, not cute, American tourists kept checking me out. Seriously. Men need to shave their backs and women need to go into the sun more often. PLUS we ALL need to go on diets. Good Lord.

Excited to be going home tomorrow! Plus I get to have the morning to myself since the rents have a later flight to the main island than I do. So I get to take a cab to the airport, chill, fly without baby, chill more. Goodness:) But I am NOT excited to be going home to my relationship and moving drama though. Today I forced myself NOT to think about any of it and just enjoy my day alone. It was hard being alone though. I almost cried again once and can NOT figure out why. I am usually fine being alone, I mean...I really like doing my own thing. But this week and today I just wanted someone to share everything with. Ok, not every single little thing...but most of it. Or at least have a special someone to talk to throughout the day who cares about me and what I'm doing. Its not the same with Number 2 and SS...I mean I did talk and text with them a little but it was just eh. Maybe because I was so alone all week it just sucks at this point. And I think part of the reason my energy is so drained is that I am an extrovert and have had very little adult interaction all week. I feel like I've been trapped in this house all week and I'm dying to get out!!! Someone talk to me!!!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sorry, But If You Aren't Literate, We Cant Go Out.

hi there...

I've been to SD so many times in the last one year; but I never went to Carlsbad... one of my frnd went to Carlsbad where they have the flower field; seeing the pics... I just couldn't believe myself that I didn't know about it all these times....

seeing you staying in carlsbad reminded me of the beautiful pics that my frnd took... and somehow I believe you are as beautiful as a person by heart from what I read...


Trip is FINALLY over!!!

GOOD MORNING FROM HAWAII! Today is an amazing day because after 6 days, I HAVE THE DAY OFF!!! And after 5 days, I GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! All good things!!! Yesterday was a doozy and I woke up NOT ready for tired and burned out...I was frantically texting my friends and family for support...all I could muster was "Im dying over here" and "send a plane for me" and they quickly responded which helped me get through the day. It didn't help that it was particularly muggy so we had to stay in the air conditioned bedrooms which the kids quickly got sick of, and that they havent left the house all week and are stir crazy too, and that they were all cranky all day. Probably sick of me. That happens. Nanny is only fun and funny for so long. The parents left me from 9a-5p out golfing and drinking and at the spa...I thought they were going to go out for dinner to, but they came home as soon as they were done because they knew I was DONE. They were joking, "you know who will be happiest to see us won't be our children, it will be poor E" haha. They took the kids from me asap and make me strong drinks the rest of the night and were super thankful for an awesome week. Plus, they are paying for my $200 massage today as a bonus so I am glad that my hard work has paid off. After the kids went to bed we all got tipsy with our legs in the jacuzzi and then brought dinner down there and ate was actually really nice and it made me not hate them as much for leaving me cooped up with their kids all week. Apparently they never have sitters and REALLY needed the break and time together, so that made me feel better about them leaving their kids bored all week.

Within the romance department I am royally sucking and just don't know what to do about anything anymore. I keep going back and forth about everything and am super frustrated with myself for being so indecisive and emotional. Even though I know SS smoking pot bothers me, I don't want to end it because I like spending time with him. We always have a really fun time. And having someone to snuggle with has been KEY in my life not sucking as of late. And then theres fucking Number 2 who keeps calling me everyday and night just like old times...and now he's started to talk about sex and how hot I am and traveling together and all this stuff and I'm super confused. Last night he texted me from a bar,
"In at some bar behaving..." and then left his friends early and called because "he would rather talk to me then flirt or hook up with any other girls" and then stuff like, "Im leaving...because I got a hot girl waiting for me". I even just point blank said, "uhhh pretty sure you're leaving because your tired and bored not because you'd rather talk to me". Of course he said that wasn't true. I am just so confused at this point.

Still havent heard from Crew. Census says it could be because he knows I am out of town and to give him until Wednesday when I get back. I am a little bummed since he was so nice and pretty, but I didn't have a crazy connection with him or anything.

Also still waiting to hear if moving to my desired location is going to work out. I have to get my Bella approved when we get home, I really hope it works out. All this moving stuff is so stressful unless I have a plan.

Today I am FREE!!! The plan is to explore the tidepools, spouting horn, market, and botanical gardens right outside our house. Then venture to the Grand Hyatt for lunch, drink on the beach, my massage, and spa time. Then I might stop in a little town for dinner before having to have the car back by 8 so they can get their visiting family back to the airport. Then pack and sleep and LEAVE tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!

I saved 2 pretty dresses to wear today and tomorrow because I've been in my working nanny wear all week, which although kind of cute, definitely NOT my typical style. Ok, off to explore!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Another Day in Hawaii

Watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall with the's kind of weird when they have sex and other times when I laugh and no one else is. The babies were good today. I decided today would be a good day to break up with SS but then I just couldn't do it. Plus, by the time I am off work its like 11pm there. I stayed home with the babies tonight while everyone went out to dinner and Melissa and her friend took my tickets to MUSE at home. And tomorrow I'll be home while they all go snorkeling. Such a fun time right! It's beautiful here though. I just keep telling myself, I'm here to work and that it's not a bad place to be working, right? Plus, tomorrow is Thursday which means we're closer to going home! woot!

I would really like to have a real boyfriend who isn't just a weird friend like SS and Number 2. That would be really nice. I'm just saying.

How Long Should You Wait Until You Have Sex?

How long should you wait until you have sex?
"Depends on the relationship and the people involved. Some couples should wait until their honeymoon in order to avoid guilt, some should wait until they get home to avoid prosecution for lewd conduct in a public area"

Thanks Melissa!!! haha

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

There's No Crying in Hawaii!

View from the pool...yeah thats right, steps down to the beach.

steps to the beach from our pool. So pretty right!

The super cool tree lined street I drove on today pumping Beyonce in my minivan. Yes, I took this while driving. Yes, I know its dangerous.

So today was a MUCH better day then the last two days. I think I was just overtired and overworked...I only worked 8-2 today and maybe 30 minutes in the evening just helping the parents out here and there. Today I cried while feeding babycakes about my house and having to move stuff again...just a little bit. Then he looked up at me with his sweet little face and I remembered that Im snuggling with the love of my life and to be happy. Today they gave me 2-5 off so I could relax, I ventured in our rented minivan all the way to cosco pumping Beyonce and the Black Eyed Peas and dancing along the beautiful tree lined roads...I have to say, it was pretty awesome. I was so happy to be FREE of the house and kids I didn't even care that it was just to cosco. I had to pick up a prescription my stupid insurance company wouldnt let me fill before I left (hate them). Then I went into the cute little town by our house and walked around a little and got beer and diapers, haha. I had a little more fun with the parents today then yesterday. I do like them, it's just hard to always be "on" all the time even when the kids aren't around since I dont know them that well. employers and the other family we're traveling with just discovered that I am a legit teacher with a credential. They apparently didn't even read my resume when they hired me, haha. I think they're super impressed.

Talked to Number 2 awhile...I finally got reception. Hilarious conversation...
me: I just kind of weird around them because I dont know them that well...and they are all SO skinny and I feel so fat and gross
Number 2: your not fat...your voluptuous. (insert compliments about my boobs and butt)
me: thanks babe.
Number 2: (singing) and your amaaazing...just the wayyyy you areeeee
me: ahahaaaa are you singing Justin Beiber to me?!?!?!

Number 2 proceeded to sing the entire choras of the wasn't Justin Beiber, but pretty much just as ridiculous/adorable. Check it out...

He can be so sweet.

SS texted me today too. I was pretty surprised and even said, "I thought you forgot about me homeslice?" and he said, "nah foo! I just figured u were busy flyin and getting settled in yesterday" we texted a little bit more just about whatever...apparently we text like black people with the homeslice and the foo...haha.

Still no word from Crew.

Tomorrow I have off until noon and then I am on until the kids go to bed which is usually around 7/8. I am SO excited tomorrow is day closer to Saturday, my day off, and then GOING HOME. It's only 9p and I am already EXHAUSTED.

Monday, September 20, 2010

An Update From Hawaii, OBVI.

Literally, taken from my patio just now.

Hello from my patio ON the beach in Kauai, Hawaii watching the sunset. OMG its BEAUTIFUL here!!!! I have been to Maui and Oahu and this is BY FAR the most beautiful of them and most "Hawaii" feeling. I hate how touristy the other islands are, this one is totally not like that. It's really lovely. Someday I will have to come back when I'm not working the entire time and can actually leave the house. We are literally ON the beach, I look out my window to the waves crashing below me. AND there is a pool and hot tub AND tide pools made from molten lava. Not going to lie, I think I am a little emotional from last week and it may be a little PMS and tiredness but I have almost started crying QUITE a few times. I know what your going to say, SHUT UP YOUR IN HAWAII. Yeah I know, but I am in Hawaii with two married couples who are 10-20 years older then me and best friends and 2 babies. I keep joking that the babies are my dates. But they can't talk. And while everyone will be out at the pool getting drunk and laying out...or going hiking...or out to dinner...I am at home. With the babies. Alone. All day. This is what I'm saying. So it's not a horrible place to have to work, I do understand this, but it's almost worse then being at home. At home I get to go home at the end of the day and do fun things with my friends and GO OUT and do whatever I want...not so much here. It's almost torture knowing where I am and that I can't do any of it. But they are good about giving me I go in my room and desperately check my facebook and gchat to see whose on...and nap because kids wear you out...and of course sit in the pool for a little bit and read cosmo and have a drink. But I cant even drink a lot because it makes me tired and...oh yeah, I'm NOT on vacation like everyone else here. So it's kind of weird. I'm trying to just enjoy my sweet moments with the babycakes and when I'm alone laying out and reading. The weather is PERFECT. Not too hot or humid and not raining like the other times I've been to Hawaii.

Ok enough complaining about Hawaii, don't you want to know about how my TWO dates went on Saturday? haha...I know right, such a playa.

Hate the game not the playa.

SO lunch with Crew was really lovely...ate at a beautiful and delicious place where he insisted on paying again. We had better conversation then last time, and he was very sweet and fun. I had a great time. I also got to see his place and cute doggy when we met before we ate. Figured out his "HOW are you single?" ready? He was married. from the ages of 19-23 while he was in the military (pretty typical)...he's 31 now so it's history. But still, made things make more sense. I haven't heard from him since the date on Saturday though and he didn't end saying anything about going out again sometime. So I don't know.

THEN dinner with SS was also pretty great. At first we just snuggled on the couch then got AMAZING sushi, a growler from our local beer place, and went in his hot tub. I have to say, everything up until the hot tub was super fun. We were laughing and having such a nice time but he wasn't touching me or kissing me AT ALL and then in the hot tub...NOTHING. Um...last I checked hot tub=hot makeout session or at least cop a feel...nothing? And at this point it's not a respectful thing, now it's just annoying. I am super affectionate and LOVE that kind of attention. I am all about PDA. So I was kind of annoyed by the evenings end and am more fine with not seeing him anymore. Plus, he hasn't texted or called or ANYTHING since I have left either.

You wanna guess who HAS called? Yep, Number 2. Who else? Number 2 and I have been having interesting conversations lately actually...he keeps throwing things in like,
"we have really good conversations don't we"
"You know I love your laugh"
"I'm going to miss you"
and a big one was,
"how do you feel about going to Mexico?" UH WHAT?
"yeah, I was just talking to my friends about after I get into grad school we could all celebrate and rent a house in San Filipe and I think it would be a good time for you to get to know my friends too"

Dont worry friends, I say something snappy back every time. Such as, "well you never hang out with me anyway, I don't know why it will make a difference if I'm gone for a week now" and I have zero plans of going to Mexico with him unless GIRLFRIEND is mentioned MORE then once and I get to actually be a part of his life. I don't know what to do with this one. Either he is totally full of shit or truly cares about me and is trying to get it together. Him calling me all the time and the things he says make me lean toward caring, but then hardly wanting to see me and not being a part of his friends or social life makes me lean the other way. Arg.

Friday, September 17, 2010


In other news, I think I may need to end things with SS. I just CAN'T get over the smoking pot everyday thing. It bothered me a lot more then usual on Wednesday when we hung out. So I think I will enjoy our date tomorrow night and then call him while I'm gone and tell him I think we should just be friends. I will really miss him, we have such a fun time together. But I just can't...and frankly don't think I ok with someone doing drugs EVERYDAY. Occasional use is one thing. EVERYDAY is a serious problem and it makes me SO uncomfortable. And if he tells me he won't smoke anymore if I don't like it...then Ill be dealing with a drug addict going off drugs? No thanks. I have had to trust that there was a boy out there I could connect with and wouldn't treat me like crap like Number 2. Now I have to trust that I can connect with a boy who won't treat me like crap AND doesn't do drugs. Come on, this can't be that difficult right? WHERE ARE YOU?

Tonight Alyssa and I are going out for a fancy dinner downtown! Tomorrow I have two dates with Crew and then SS...and somehow need to give myself a pedicure, do laundry, and pack all in between. OMG I am leaving for Hawaii in like 1.5 days. RIDICULOUS. I found where our house is on the island, we are pretty close to a really nice Grand Hyatt so I think I am going to seriously SPLURGE and get a massage and have a spa day and sit by the pool sipping a pina colada there on my day off. I AM EXCITED!

In other news, I think I may have already figured out my living situation? I am waiting to see if they will accept Bella AKA the love of my life, but otherwise I am REALLY excited about this possible prospect!!! More details to come:) Not quite as sad about moving today. Everyday it hurts a little less...but then as soon as I pull up and see the FOR SALE sign and more of our personal belongings are packed up inside...I get sad all over again. I think I need to get out of there asap...which for me is in about a month or so, so I can continue to save up and have cash in case of emergencies when I do move out. It's still all so surreal. My parents still don't know where they're going to move either. growing up sucks.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A "Life Sucks" Day Apparently Required a Slumber Party

Well, just when I thought my life was finally settling down and I was actually feeling bouts of happiness and joy again...everything came crashing down around me yesterday morning. It was my day off, so I was just waking up around 10am when mom knocks on my door and says,
"um...aren't you working today?"
"No, I have Wednesdays off remember?"
"oh. well. um. We have a realtor coming to inspect the house so...uh...I need you to just clean up a little?"

So yeah. The house we've been living in for 15 years, my parents have to sell for financial reasons related to moms cancer and dads business affected by the economy...they apparently want to try and sell like asap. They are really sad. Mom almost cried telling me- and mom never cries. They weren't planning on telling me or brother until they figured everything out but BAM good morning! And where will they go? They don't even know. The house was paid for in cash, so they will be getting everything back in cash which is good...but who knows if they can keep living even in town when everything is so expensive here. My plans of living at home for 6 months to save money were dashed. My plans to move back to this town after gallivanting around the world and raise my kids here were gone. My plans to have family Thanksgivings and Christmases...swimming with my future kids in the backyard. All gone in those split seconds as mom announced the realtor would be here in an hour.

THEN we couldn't find brothers I am driving around the neighborhood crying my eyes out about the damn house and the dog and just SO angry that my life continues to hurt and be so frustrating. (the dog was hiding in the house the entire time, don't worry). I cried majority of the day yesterday on and off...and am having a hard time keeping it together even writing this too. And I know I was planning on moving out in a few months anyway, but thats not really the point. The point is that I feel like all of my security has just been wiped out from underneath me.

So I tried to process things...talked to Cassie in Sweden...Number 2 always helps calm me down too...and just tried to figure out what I want to do. Before I leave for Hawaii they already need me to pack up all the pictures in my room and put away my little piles so they can take pictures, show it, and put it on the market. Then we'll have to have open houses so it will be a hard place to be able to actually LIVE in over the next months until it sells. It probably won't sell for 3-6 months...but who even knows? Its a GORGEOUS house in an amazing neighborhood with a pool and view...I am thinking it will go pretty fast despite the economy. So I have to figure my shit out. Who do I live with? When? What can I afford? I think I am going to start looking for new jobs that pay more. How is this my life you ask? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE. My family has been through so much this year, we SERIOUSLY don't have the energy or heart to do this. My mom can physically hardly do anything for a few hours at a time, let alone paint, clean, and pack an entire house. Plus, our hearts are just so worn down. So beaten. I just don't know if I can do this.

After a day of processing at the beach...praying...and sleeping. SS and I had our plans for the art event. We snuggled on the couch before we left because I told him I needed extra cuddles because I was sad. His family is losing their house too so he understood, but didn't talk me through my feelings and what to do next like Number 2 does. I kind of feel like SS is just so "everythings gonna be alright!" pot head that he doesn't realize that NO everything DOESN'T turn out ok hurts and I'm in pain and unlike you I don't just smoke away my feelings. I am going to feel this hurt for a very long time and unfortunately thats life. But then he held me, we shared our fav beer, and he made me laugh a lot and I forgot all about everything for the rest of the night. The art event was great and we had a free glass of wine and sat and talked with the live music in the background, but they didn't have vegetarian food so we went to his fav Italian restaurant instead and it was SO good. Afterwards we attempted to watch The Godfather 2 because I hadn't seen it but that movie is SO long so after a little making out, we fell asleep in each others arms. I think I was pretty emotionally tired too. By about 1am I was too exhausted and drank a little too much to be able to drive home, I had to be up in 5 hours we just slept in his bed and snuggled instead, and don't worry we both had our pants on. I have never actually done this with a boy. I've slept in the same bed with friend boys before, but never a boy who likes me and would hold me and tell me:
"wanna know a secret? Feeling someones breath on the back of my neck while sleeping is my favorite thing in the entire world"- (I'm the worst secret keeper ever BTW.)

And I was happy. From 6p-6a I was so happy I thought it would explode out of my heart because I felt cared for and treasured and safe. But the pot smoking it really starting to bother me. It's VERY apparent he just went from hard drugs to smoking pot EVERYDAY to be able to deal with life. As someone who tries not to be addicted to ANYTHING and values processing things without the aid of other things (unless you need a break and then a drink or a nap or a movie or a walk do help-but they aren't destructive). I can feel myself falling for him, and I can tell he is falling for me I think I need to end things soon. PLUS sleeping in the same bed with someone and then dating other people is a lot harder to justify then just going on dates and hanging out with multiple people. We have so much fun together, but I just need to keep believing that I can find someone who makes me laugh and treasures me and treats me like a lady and DOESN'T do drugs everyday. I mean, come one, I know you are out there.

The next few days are RIDICULOUS. I don't even know how I am going to pack up my room (SAD FACE), pack for Hawaii, get the extra sleep I've been promising myself before the trip, and work and do all the dinner and friend things I have planned every night and day until I leave Sunday.

My life sucks.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Night With a Beautiful Creature.

Well, we were there from 6:30-9:30 if that's any inclination as to how things went:) And YES he is just as beautiful in person, if not more so. I would catch myself just lingering looking at him...dimples and muscles and all. BUT he's not a jerkface?!?!?! I wasn't even sure how to process that...he was like, nice and normal and really sweet. And not super trendy or "too cool"...he was just a genuine and kind gentlemanly guy. However, conversation was a little tough sometimes. I had to ask him a lot of questions, he didn't make me laugh a lot, and it didn't just flow naturally like other great first dates I've had. BUT it was still fun, he was VERY nice, he's not as outgoing as me or as SS or Number 2...but personable enough. We were there a long time, the food and beach view was AMAZING, and I definitely caught a lot of people looking at us. Probably because we were both so pretty;) Just like SS, he didn't try and kiss me goodnight and didn't even touch me the entire time. I am beginning to like taking it slow with these gentlemen folk. I'm curious to see how our next date goes.

Oh lady, how do you know there will be a next date?

WELL when I got home I had this text waiting for me:

"I had a great time tonight. You looked incredible. I can't believe I didn't tell you that earlier. Can we do it again soon?"


I literally have every night this week booked, so I squeezed him in on Saturday for lunch between packing, saying bye to Rachel whose moving, and hanging out with SS. Yeah thats right, 2 dates in one day in the same city. Skanky OR awesome? I'm not sure the answer yet actually. But as far as I understand this dating thing, until you are officially something with someone you can (and probably should) date other people. And since SS and I aren't something official and Number 2 still doesn't want to date me, I am free to do what I like right?

Some fun stats about Beautiful Creature/"Crew":
-did crew in high school and college, does triathalons now, incredible body. All I care about is that this means he can pick me up and throw me around in the bedroom should it come to that.
-Has a big dog
-lives by himself right by the beach
-very active, goes fishing with his friends a lot, runs a lot, etc.
-works as a clinical trial coordinator and loves it, was a bio major and is smart!
-listens to decent music but isn't INTO it like I am
-traveled a lot when in the military in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East...but hasn't been anywhere else.

Just a very normal and sweet guy. No idea how he's so pretty, is in socal, and isnt' a complete douche bag.

Tomorrow night SS and I are going to an art show/music/free drinks event in town. We're both excited:) I miss him when I don't see him...not sure how to handle that annnnd trying to handle Number 2 still calling me everyday and now Beautiful Creature in the mix. I also talked for an hour last night with another guy who asked me out sometime this week too, but I just couldn't fit it in before Hawaii. Plus I'm trying to get ready to go to Hawaii with baby R and family on Sunday. I have off tomorrow and I am STILL going to bed early, I'm just so exhausted. So much fun.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Most Beautiful Boy in the Room.


He wrote me this super sweet message yesterday telling me how I'm pretty and I seemed really great and wouldn't I like to go out to dinner sometime this week? My week is SO full with fun friend things and trying to get ready for Hawaii (!!!), but I CLEARLY needed to move things around to make room for this one before I leave. So tomorrow he is taking me to this super nice restaurant on the beach for dinner...and I don't know what to wear to warrant this kind of occasion. Plus, not only is he gorgeous, he has a bio degree from UCSD, and does medical research. Sooooo he's also smart and I'm really intimidated. Hopefully I won't get nervous and drunk like when Miranda went out with that hot guy and then passed out and he was over it, whereas before he totally liked her. At this point I have very little faith in "attractive" men...usually they know they are hot and just want some ass. But he seems like he has it together...and if he's online then maybe he's just sick of that scene and is actually looking for something real? His profile didn't say "looking for hookups" so I guess thats a good sign.

So just so we're clear. Madeout with SS on Friday. Madeout with Number 2 (more just some kissing, but still). Going out with Beautiful Creature tomorrow night. If I get to kiss that face and our baby blue eyes meet, OMG.
So, basically I am RIDICULOUS in all capacities.

Is it possible to be jealous of yourself?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Glass Case of Emotion!

Another FANTASTIC weekend still happening! Every moment I keep having to stop and go, "really? this is my life? I LOVE IT!!!" especially after such a tough year, I still keep reeling when so much happiness comes wrapped up like a present just for me. You might not agree, but for me this is evidence that the God I serve is so great. He supports me during the HORRIBLE times, and then brings light and good things at the end of the tunnel too. I am so thankful!

Ok sooooo someone might be really starting to like SS and that someone may be ME. If you read the end of my previous post I was going into our Friday date with a "I really need to tell this guy we should just be friends" mentality for various reasons aforementioned...but as soon as he opened the door I was like WHOA. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I TOTALLY LIKE THIS GUY! I was super grumpy because I hadn't eaten enough that day and was trying to wait until the party we were going he made me a snack of crackers and peanut butter and got me was pretty cute. Then we snuggled on the couch for like half an hour talking about his friends he had visited and our work week and everything. He's so snuggly, its so sweet. The highlight was when I accidentally said, "Its so nice to see you! I missed you!" I immediately regretted saying that because know how boys will typically react to that, but not him! Without missing a beat he responded, "I know, I missed you too!". That FLOORED me. First of all the fact that I even felt like I missed him when I've been kind of ragging on him in my head mentally...and secondly that he totally missed me too:) Neither of us really wanted to leave because we were so happy snuggling and being with each other, but finally we did and of course the party for my friend Rachel who is moving to Germany was also awesome. As always he got along with everyone, met my parents who happened to be there, all my girl friends thought he was so nice and how amazing it was that he was cool with just stepping right in and talking to everyone. THE BEST is that after a little while of introducing him to people and talking all together, I am always able to kind of leave him and talk to my friends or family and he's totally fine! In fact, he made friends with Rachels boyfriend and two other Aussie and Kiwi guys who were was so great. Everyone liked him:)

Afterwards he drove us back to his house and we "watched" Dexter/made out for like 2 hours. I don't have issues with wanting to sleep with him anymore, as far as attraction goes. I had a hard time keeping my panties on actually...but I knew that I wasn't emotionally ready, I don't love him yet, it hasn't been enough time, we aren't official...etc. Plus, I keep trying to remember that after SEX all the fun little make outs and hand holding and whatever don't make my tummy all sparkly anymore...they are great, but they don't have the same "this is new and so fun!" effect. So I am trying to enjoy the beginning phase, because once it's done it's done and hopefully when the second phase sets in after sex, I will be at a place with him where I don't miss the first phase anymore. My other favorite part of the night was after we were making out and I was so tired I didn't want to leave or move or do ANYTHING so I just sat snuggling with him in my underwear and we were just talking and he was running his hands through my hair and he does this sweet move where he runs his finger down my nose. I just felt so happy and safe and treasured. Probably also why I didn't want to leave.

A failure moment after the make out...but I was just so tired and a little tipsy...
me: do you think I'm pretty?
SS: Uh, I think you are more then just pretty.
me: well you never tell me.
SS: do you want me to tell you?
me: yes.

I HATE being that girl who needs boys to tell her she's pretty, and I wasn't together enough to explain to him that I have confidence in myself and how I look, but I still need the man I am with to affirm that he is attracted to me and that I am beautiful. It's pretty standard right? But instead it just comes out as RIDICULOUS. Oh well, he is awesome and totally won't judge me for it. No games with's what I like best.

Then Saturday I got up kind of early and went to breakfast with my girl friends, came home for a quick nap and to finish getting ready, then had lunch with Number 2. Talk about an emotionally confusing weekend. Lunch was SO nice of course, somehow we ended up at a pub and the end of a crazy Notre Dame/Michigan game was on so I got to watch him watch football which was funny. I could have been annoyed, but honestly...we are so comfortable with each other I was just happy to be with him. I didn't care what we were doing. I was so was like we did this every day. Sat together eating good food and watching football games. Afterwards we walked to the beach and sat on a bench and snuggled a little...he kissed me quite a few times and grabbed me sexually as per our usual selves...but I was holding back so much from him. I REALLY didn't want to have sex so I just couldn't even let myself feel turned on by anything, otherwise I knew I was going to lose it. And I don't trust him, I am still not a priority or girl friend after almost a YEAR, I know I probably won't see him for another 2-4 weeks, and he really hurt me. But it was still so nice to see him. It's to the point where I feel like he has part of me...and I don't realize I am not totally relaxed until I am with him and all the parts of me are together and I can breathe again. Plus, he's a really good kisser. Once again, everything is there between us...he just won't get it together and be with me.

I was so emotionally confused afterwards I just had to sit in my car awhile and almost cried just from being overwhelmed. Being with Number 2 was so wonderful but then that made me sad at the same time because we aren't together and I couldn't even fully engage in our time together because I didn't want to get carried away. SS is super great too, besides a few things, but I don't know if I should feel like I am cheating on him at this point?

I went to Melissa's afterwards. Number 2 called me a few hours later and I ignored it...when I called him back WAY later he said he had been at the Starbucks around the corner working on school stuff and wanted to see if I wanted to hang out more. UM that is unheard of in Number 2 land. I was sad we weren't able to hang out more but also knew it was for the better since we would have for sure hooked up at that point...I only have so much will power. And again, it makes me so happy that he wanted to see more of me...but then sad because we should be together anyway and this is just ridiculous. This is what I am saying, EMOTIONS!!!

SS and I texted while I was at Melissa's and made plans for the week. He's SO CUTE!!! see for yourself...this is after we've been texting awhile...
me: I leave Sunday the 19th!
SS: Ok well we got to hang out at least once before u leave. I know ull be busy, but MAYBE you can squeeze me in???
me: Well of course! I have an art/music/free beer event on Wednesday night I want to go to, wanna be my date? And Saturday night b4 I leave I already reserved for you:)
SS: (insert his nickname for me here:) I feel sooooo privey! Of course ill be ur gettin good at it. and so cool of u about saturday! im in for both obvi

He's so sweet, right? Not perfect, I still have a few issues with him, but I just enjoy him SO much!

The fun continues tonight as I venture with Melissa and her sister and brother-in-law, to go see a free documentary downtown at the museum of photographic arts about immigration! SO my kind of thing, I just love the arts. Then I think we're going to be getting happy hour somewhere too. MY LIFE!!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

To Care or Not to Care.

Been talking to SO many girl friends these past few days trying to sort things out with Number 2...and how I feel about SS...there is a general consensus that I need to keep pulling away from Number 2 and if he wants me he'll chase after me. My employer who was a hot single woman for a long time and just got married 2 years ago had some wise things she learned to pass along, she said once she TRUELY stopped caring about an EX or about the entire dating scene was when things really started happening. I interpreted it as, when you are TRULY confident and happy with yourself is when you are most attractive to everyone around you. This is SO true, since when I was finally over Number 2 for the most part and was dating someone else is when he's started kind of pursuing me again. I HATE playing games and just want to be claimed, but boys are boys. She also used the word "filler" to describe SS...which I liked.

I also think that maybe I process things out loud with my girl friends too much...because then I get 50 different perspectives and am even more confused then when I even started. Some issues are obvious and I need a femme fatale to tell me, "Girl, you dont need to put up with that shit"...but other things should maybe just stay between me and Number 2. Some issues are just ours and often are made into HUGE things because I talked about it with a bunch of girls and got all CRAZY. It's like when my parents fight and I freak out that they are going to get a divorce or something and shouldn't be listening to them talk because it freaks me out even more...but then the next day they are fine and it was just something between them. No big deal. And all my girls keep telling me just to peace out...but your not IN IT. Your not the one having to do this. Your not the one whose head over heels for a guy who tells you he loves you too. Your not here in these conversations with him. It's not YOUR hear that will break if you never hear his voice again.

Today one of my friends was so was a perspective I haven't heard this entire time. I told her the situation and basically she said, well if you love him and he's worth waiting for, then do it. Love is supposed to be crazy. I told her how amazing our sex and chemistry is and how I almost always want him to marry me (except when I'm mad at him) even though I know we're crazy sometimes...I can't imagine living with, having kids with, or growing old with anyone but my best friend. It's been almost a year and we can still talk for hours...want to strip each others clothes off...and can't see anyone else in the room when we're together. We still love the crap out of each other. Despite everything. Even each others crazy parts. And um...back to the fact that we fell in love so fast and how rare that is...I mean, that's huge. She was the one who said, "well all of that is HUGE". And after dating a few more people and chatting online with others...I totally agree.

I know I know that your SCREAMING at your computer screen right now and are scanning old entires to throw in my face when I was so hurt and angry...but Im NOT planning on throwing myself at him, Im not opening myself up to him, in fact Im currently trying to get the strength to tell him to stop calling me EVERYDAY. again. So don't throw your computer at the wall just yet.

But I'm just also trying to remember that he TOLD me he couldn't be in a relationship the entire time because he was too absorbed in his grad school stuff and it wasn't fair to me. He TOLD me we should just be friends. I'm trying to remember that it was HIM who said we shouldn't have sex anymore because it wasn't fair to me. And it was me who kept trying to push a relationship and would flaunt myself in little dresses to seduce him whenever we hung out...I mean, I haven't been playing totally fair here. When he told me he was too absorbed in school I should have just said "fine, no worries call me if you want me and maybe Ill be free" instead, I hung around for 8 months hoping for something he never promised and then got mad when nothing happened. He has other personal legit reasons for not wanting something with anyone right now...but it's just confusing when he keeps calling me all the time. It's like...he knows it's not right but he can't help it because he loves me. In fact, thats what hes told me.

I can tell he's really excited about our sushi date on Saturday, even though its just as friends, he keeps talking about it. It's so cute. We are going at 3pm instead of at night, which is much better to avoid hooking up, and we aren't going to the movies...also much better since we tend to be naughty at the movies. (I've never mentioned I'm an exhibitionist on here have I? Well, now you know...sorry if you didn't want to know, ha) He purposefully wants to take me OUT and BE SEEN...his words, not mine:) And I already told him we aren't hooking up, and he said "of course". AND Melissa made plans with me afterwards so I can take Cassies advice and have something afterwards so we won't be hanging out the entire day and then end up hooking up. So we are trying here.

Tomorrow is one of my dearest friends going away party...I keep forgetting she's leaving so soon and Im just excited for the party until I remember what its for. I am bringing SS and he's excited to come...I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON AND WISH I WAS BRINGING NUMBER 2 but what else is new? You know what though, I have fun with SS. Sure he says "dude" all the time and "because I'm cool like that" about anything and everything, and ok...he calls everything he doesn't like "gay" and its super offensive...and fine, Im not totally attracted to him and am kind of embarrassed to be "claimed" by him in public because it looks like we're out of the movie "Shes Out of Your League", and oh yeah, he smokes pot everyday and calls it his "medicine" and doesn't believe in Jesus. And ok, he's not a good kisser. And he's not assertive. And the idea of having sex with him grosses me out. BUT COME ON. He's nice to me, respectful, texts or calls me everyday, we have great talks, he makes me laugh, and we have fun together. And I love hearing from him...and holding his hand...and snuggling.

As Number 2 said, "it's ok, he can have you. FOR NOW."

Quit freaking out, Im going to figure this all out. I am. Just give me time.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Stella Was A Diver And She Was Always Down.

WELL last night was a BLAST! SS, Micah, my friend Allison, and I all ventured to LA LA Land to see a free Interpol show. OH MAN WAS IT AMAZING. First of all, I am always impressed with how easy going and sweet SS gets along with whoever we are with...he is so chill its really nice. And everyone I brought together for the show surprisingly had a lot in common and we all had fun together. INTERPOL WAS SO WONDERFUL. It was a sweet little intimate show in the Urban Outfitters parking lot in was the first time I was in LA and wasn't dying to leave...I was actually sad to go. I just love the city...but LA is always so obnoxious, this time it was a little more urban and reminded me of NYC so I was happy.

I always have fun with SS, but I am having a hard time being attracted to him and being excited about our future. When we go out I am almost "embarrassed" to be considered his girl out in, I feel so pretty and hot and I'm with this guy? But I know he won't break my heart and his personality is great besides the pot smoking issue...but I still need someone I want to rip their clothes off and throw me against a wall...and I don't feel that with him at all.

Plus Interpol is one of Number 2's favorite bands (it's something we sing to each other) and I knew he was bummed I was there with another guy (mwahaha)...but I was a little bummed too. It was something I would have liked to share with him, he would have asked the tall guys to move for me, and driven, and held my hand while we sang along to STELLA!!!...and it would be nice if SS TOUCHED ME IN PUBLIC SOMETIMES. I am super affectionate and used to Number 2 who is always grabbing me or touching a super sweet way or sometimes just overt sexual way because thats how we ROLL...I am not used to SS who wouldn't even kiss me goodnight in front of Micah because he didn't want it to be weird. But he held my hand in the car on the way home and rubbed my arm and we had so much fun laughing and talking...I mean we DO have a good time together...and he does treat me well...and he is intentional in spending time with me. It's just hard with the attraction issue I feel from time to time...I don't know what's normal. Does it come in time or am I supposed to want him right now like I did with Number 2?

Number 2 and I keep non chalantley talking about getting married and our kids it's normal. Which I didn't realize was weird until today. Opps.

Not counting on Number 2 to get it together and want to be with me.
Not sure what to do with SS.

Oh and don't worry, Friday I am hanging out with SS before he goes to LA for the weekend...then Saturday night I'm going out with Number 2. Just the usual round these parts. Whatever.

Monday, September 06, 2010


I've been thinking lately a lot about LOVE.
And how rare it is, and how I didn't really realize this.

So Number 2 and I have our issues...but we fell in love almost instantly. The moment I saw him there was this FIRE and electricity between us, someone I would never consider being attracted to I was suddenly IN IT TO WIN IT. We told each other we loved each other, and meant it, after 6 weeks. I've been on dates with lots of guys and think of how many men you meet in any given day or night out...that FIRE and attraction that turns into LOVE is so rare. And having it stick around for more then a few months...or even more incredible. I am constantly in awe of people who are truly in love and get married...AMAZING that two totally different people living different lives found each other. AND THEN those couples who stay married for years and years? Incredible.

Tonight I failed. again. Talked to SS for 2+ hours...then hung up and talked for Number 2 for another hour or so.
What am I doing?

But honestly, I dont know that I feel the way about SS that I should. I enjoy talking to him, spending time with him, am somewhat attracted to him, but besides a natural physical desire- I have zero desire to sleep with him. And I don't feel myself falling in love with him like I did with Number 2...and I thought maybe that was just normal and that me and Number 2 were really rare and weird, but now even if it is normal, I don't know if I want to waste my time with someone I don't necessarily see a future with? And part of me just keeps thinking..."eh, just go with it" but then I freak out and think "but then he'll eventually want to sleep with me! NO!" and that's when I knew there was a problem.

But I'm not going to stop talking to him and hanging out with him until I have a real reason. Having someone interested in your life...who wants to spend time with you...and texts you all day...and holds your really nice.

In other horrible news, I made a life plan for me and Number 2. We get engaged before he goes to grad school, I move there too and teach, then we move to NYC so I can go to grad school and so he can work on wall street, then we have babies and move back to SD. I have problems.

Everyday I keep thinking, I am a horrible person. I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.I am a horrible person.

But then I need to equally keep telling your not, this isn't easy. There is nothing wrong with you. This happens.

"I am a horrible person" keeps winning and I hate my guilt issues.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

And Here Comes the Love Triangle

So I haven't posted in a few days. Mostly because SS and I weren't scheduled to hang out until last night so there wasn't technically a lot to write about...and also because the love triangle is starting and I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about it yet. Slightly embarrassed...overwhelmed...confused...frustrated. etc.

So this has been happening.
Dont get mad.
Number 2 has been calling me and we've been talking late at night for a long time like old only happened the last two nights though. But things have been said and I'm confused...such as
"I miss you"
"I love talking to you"
"your my best friend"
"did you start dating someone else on purpose to make me jealous? Because good job"
"you know how much I lo...CARE about you"
"your the worst wedding guest ever (because I forgot a gift to the last one), your not even going to be invited to our wedding. People will ask, hey dude where's your bride? And Ill just say, oh I dont know"
"my kids are going to eat meat, they aren't going to be vegetarians like their mother"
"I want to see you, can I take you for sushi and a movie next weekend?"

That last one was tough. The next one was even tougher...
him: we're ridiculous
me: I know. you can fix it though.
him: I know, I will.
me: when?
him: when I get this all straightened out. (referring to grad school). I will though.

So there you go. You try and figure this crap out because I sure as hell can't anymore. What I have decided though is to not let him off the hook about ANYTHING. You want me then there is shit you need to fix. I don't think I am even going to consider being something with him someday unless serious things change, which he knows needed to change but just didn't because he was too absorbed in his stupid grad school stuff...and I mean thats why we ended things in the first place, because he knew I wasn't happy and we mutually decided it wasn't good to try and be something right now. He didn't feel like he could give me what I want and I was tired of taking less then what I deserved. I don't even know if he's going to fix things. Which is why I am very hesitant with everything and anything having to do with him.

This is so tough.
It's just so easy to love him.
So easy to imagine our lives together.
So easy to talk to him for two hours until we fall asleep.

So I said he could take me out to dinner and the movie. This is probably a bad idea isn't it.

THE BIG QUESTION: Is he pursuing me now because he can't have me and suddenly wants me or because he didn't realize how much he sevol me and is now afraid of losing me?

In other news:
Last night Jordan and Jesse's party was a success! I brought SS and we had a really fun time together! He hung out and talked with everyone...and Annie just wrote me:
"he is awesome. It was really nice actually getting to see the two of you together and getting to know him a little, im excited for you and it was cute how you two were together!!"
and also...
"yeah I was thinking on the way home how nice it was to see you with a man and you guys were finding out new things about each other it was just awesome to see:)"

I invited Micah and whoever else she wanted, and then a bunch of our other down town friends showed up and it was super fun! It was kind of weird to not be single and be able to just move around and talk with whoever...but I didn't necessarily want to do that? I was really happy sitting next to SS and chatting to each other and then our other friends and such. He is so easy going it's hard to not like him...for some reason I think they would all like SS more than Number 2. I told Number 2 this last night, because he gets all alpha male-like and comes off as pretentious and a douche...which is frustrating because I know hes not like that. It's SO important to me that my friends love the person I am with...not just because I am happy but because we can all hang out and its fun. So SS is definitely good for that, it was easy to have fun with him and everyone.

But I dont look at him the way I look at Number 2.
And I don't want to strip his clothes off like I do with Number 2.
I don't want to marry him like I do Number 2.
But Number 2 has SO many but's that you all know.

Melissa and Cassie say that he is being manipulative and hurting me by me telling him to not call me unless he wants a relationship because it hurts me...and then he does anyway and tells me all this crap. Even if it is true- it's not fair.

But that still leaves me with not knowing what to do.
I have been analyzing it for 2 days and just decided to go with things with SS...BUT stand firm with Number 2 on things and make plans after our "date" so we don't end up hooking up.

Does anyone remember the SATC episode when Carrie is dating Berger but still talking to Big? She keeps talking to Big because Berger and her aren't serious yet...I guess thats how I am looking at it. SS and I aren't super serious yet... I don't feel myself falling in love with him, I don't even feel emotionally ready to sleep with him, I dont even see us having a long future just is what it is. I enjoy spending time with someone who makes me laugh and we have a lot of fun together. Thats it.


Thursday, September 02, 2010

Something Healthy

Number 2 and I actually had a legit and healthy conversation last night. I was hesitant to even pick up the phone, but it ended up being really good. I voiced my concerns about getting involved with anyone else, including SS. Afraid it was inappropriate to like two people at the same time...and that it would ruin anything that could happen with Number 2 in the future. He eased my worries...and assured me that if we were meant to be together we would, and that no other relationship would hinder him being interested in me when the time is right. I am still wanting to take it slow with SS since I dont want to bring any Number 2 drama into things...but now I feel like I can bury my feelings for him again but not worry about them never resurfacing again. We have a really deep connection, Number 2 and I. He might be the one. but right now he SUCKS. So why waste my time when another great guy wants to treat me right?

Then I watched Sex and the City...where Miranda and Steve are in different relationships but she confesses her love for him anyway. And he reciprocates even though they're both involved with someone else. They were each others lobster...and that was that.

So now I feel like I can dive into things with SS...well, by dive I mean go slowly but surely. I dont feel like Im ruining things forever with Number 2...but I do feel like itd be ok if I got over him totally if thats whats meant to happen. I just feel better now. And Number 2 even said..."are things getting serious, do you need to stop talking to me for awhile?" I mean wow. He gets it. but he still sevol me.


Saturday SS and I attend our friends Jordan and Jesses party! Should be fun and Im excited to see what everyone thinks of him. Then Tuesday we're going to see INTERPOL!!! I cant even contain my excitement for that!!!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

The Kiss.

Well, the kiss finally happened. And boy did it HAPPEN! But we'll get to that...

Unfortunately the little french place was closed due to a "kitchen emergency" (?), so we went next door for really fancy yummy italian. We ate outside, attempted to share a bottle of wine, ate amazing food, and just laughed and easily talked like we always do. It's always so nice to spend time with SS...I really love it. One MAJOR thing bothered me though...first of all, he was wearing just jeans and a t shirt and whatever shoes when either way we were going to a nice place, then he sat indian style in his chair which I teased him about but he just laughed it off and reminded me that "he didn't care, whatever", then when the guy came to let him try the little wine before he poured mine...I could tell he didn't know what to do for a second, and never remembered to re pour my wine- the waiter did. If you know me, you know I love to get dressed up...go to nice places...etc...I am also really casual too so I need someone who is a chameleon like me, can one minute be out and hot and sexy- and the next minute be at the dive bar...but even then, dive bars aren't even really my scene. Then again, we were talking about the icky dive bar down the street and he was the one to say, "its not really how we roll". So I think he knows. I dont know, it was just hard for me. I am used to Number 2 and even whats-his-name from last year who took me to nice places, knew all the rules and manners, and we looked like we belonged together and belonged there. And not in a "I want to belong" type of way...but in a...I already do and I don't know if I can go out with a guy who the waiter rolls his eyes at all evening. So this is something I need to think about, maybe I am the weird one?

So after a long but lovely dinner, we went back to his place down the way and watched The Life Aquatic. We were sitting really close together and hes so cute, he goes "Will it, like, freak you out if I touch you?" I laughed at him and said of course not, so he had his hand on my leg...and we held hands...snuggled real was SO nice. He's told me quite a few times how important it is to him to not be creeper, even with me, its so...refreshing. Then we were doing the thing where we were talking really close and eyeing each other (just like during the movie the other night and when we were talking at the car...seriously a scene out of "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid) and finally he just said, "Would it freak you out if I kissed you right now?" OBVIOUSLY NOT, so we did:) So we kissed for a little while, then finished watching the movie. It was over at like he asked if I wanted to watch another one...and he wanted me to see his favorite "American Psycho" which is really weird, but was pretty good...well, from what I got to see. Because HOT make out session began and lasted during the entire middle of the film. I mean, I've had hot make out sessions before sex or before the guy THOUGHT we were going to have sex...but I haven't had a good one like this since high school...when both parties knew we weren't going to have sex and just went for it with all clothing on. SO fun. Although he did ask me, "do you want to go in my room", but I just said no and we continued on.
UM...he didn't try and take off my clothes or even touch my boobs. It was so nice. I didn't even think he would, I wasn't concerned the entire time that he was going to try and take it too far...for once I just relaxed and enjoyed myself because I know he's so respectful of me.

Except his beard hurts my face A LOT. I'm not even sure how to deal with this...any ideas?

Afterwards we snuggled even more, finished the movie...were both so sleepy and he had to work at like 7a, but he just kept talking to me and I could tell he didn't want me to leave, not that he wanted me to sleepover, just that he didn't want me to leave because he enjoys my company:) Then randomly he asked me,
"so, you like me huh"
"haha yeah. you make me laugh. you like me?"
"yeah, your pretty funny too. You make me happy...thats important"

Then I invited him to my friends little get together on Saturday night...he said sure...which was already so weird since Number 2 never did ANYTHING when I asked or with my friends...and sadly I am still waiting for him to back out because thats what Im used to.

After such a great night...and even during the make out...I was and am still having a hard time missing Number 2. I don't know if I can even talk about it yet since I'm still processing what I'm feeling...but I don't know how to even invest in someone new when my heart is so attached to someone else. I don't know if its fair that when I am kissing SS I wish I was kissing Number 2. I also don't know if thats just normal and will go away in time. I also think that I wouldn't even be thinking about Number 2 if it wasn't for what happened on Saturday...since I haven't thought about Number 2 during any of the other dates prior to seeing him. It's so hard for me to imagine, or even want, to be intimate with anyone else. ever. I am frustrated with my feelings since this great guy is so sweet and fun and I just can't get it together.

No dates until Saturday...if Saturday even works out since I keep thinking he'll back out...but I am ready for a break. I will oddly miss SS since I just love being with him so much...I just can't explain how comfortable and easy it is to be with him. It's the same way with Number 2 actually, but there is always all this tension because he won't commit to me.

Also during my break I will get an Annie fix since we havent hung out in forever since shes been housesitting. And of course she got into shenanigans last night while I was out. She made out with the one other neighbor neither of us had made out with. Fantastic job Annie. And sent me this text during my dinner...
"Please notea. Bow that im home im sribking qith the neighbrs"
I laughed so even came after a voicemail of even more shenanigans which I cannot repeat...even on here. I really mustn't leave her alone so long. gosh.