Thursday, September 09, 2010

To Care or Not to Care.

Been talking to SO many girl friends these past few days trying to sort things out with Number 2...and how I feel about SS...there is a general consensus that I need to keep pulling away from Number 2 and if he wants me he'll chase after me. My employer who was a hot single woman for a long time and just got married 2 years ago had some wise things she learned to pass along, she said once she TRUELY stopped caring about an EX or about the entire dating scene was when things really started happening. I interpreted it as, when you are TRULY confident and happy with yourself is when you are most attractive to everyone around you. This is SO true, since when I was finally over Number 2 for the most part and was dating someone else is when he's started kind of pursuing me again. I HATE playing games and just want to be claimed, but boys are boys. She also used the word "filler" to describe SS...which I liked.

I also think that maybe I process things out loud with my girl friends too much...because then I get 50 different perspectives and am even more confused then when I even started. Some issues are obvious and I need a femme fatale to tell me, "Girl, you dont need to put up with that shit"...but other things should maybe just stay between me and Number 2. Some issues are just ours and often are made into HUGE things because I talked about it with a bunch of girls and got all CRAZY. It's like when my parents fight and I freak out that they are going to get a divorce or something and shouldn't be listening to them talk because it freaks me out even more...but then the next day they are fine and it was just something between them. No big deal. And all my girls keep telling me just to peace out...but your not IN IT. Your not the one having to do this. Your not the one whose head over heels for a guy who tells you he loves you too. Your not here in these conversations with him. It's not YOUR hear that will break if you never hear his voice again.

Today one of my friends was so was a perspective I haven't heard this entire time. I told her the situation and basically she said, well if you love him and he's worth waiting for, then do it. Love is supposed to be crazy. I told her how amazing our sex and chemistry is and how I almost always want him to marry me (except when I'm mad at him) even though I know we're crazy sometimes...I can't imagine living with, having kids with, or growing old with anyone but my best friend. It's been almost a year and we can still talk for hours...want to strip each others clothes off...and can't see anyone else in the room when we're together. We still love the crap out of each other. Despite everything. Even each others crazy parts. And um...back to the fact that we fell in love so fast and how rare that is...I mean, that's huge. She was the one who said, "well all of that is HUGE". And after dating a few more people and chatting online with others...I totally agree.

I know I know that your SCREAMING at your computer screen right now and are scanning old entires to throw in my face when I was so hurt and angry...but Im NOT planning on throwing myself at him, Im not opening myself up to him, in fact Im currently trying to get the strength to tell him to stop calling me EVERYDAY. again. So don't throw your computer at the wall just yet.

But I'm just also trying to remember that he TOLD me he couldn't be in a relationship the entire time because he was too absorbed in his grad school stuff and it wasn't fair to me. He TOLD me we should just be friends. I'm trying to remember that it was HIM who said we shouldn't have sex anymore because it wasn't fair to me. And it was me who kept trying to push a relationship and would flaunt myself in little dresses to seduce him whenever we hung out...I mean, I haven't been playing totally fair here. When he told me he was too absorbed in school I should have just said "fine, no worries call me if you want me and maybe Ill be free" instead, I hung around for 8 months hoping for something he never promised and then got mad when nothing happened. He has other personal legit reasons for not wanting something with anyone right now...but it's just confusing when he keeps calling me all the time. It's like...he knows it's not right but he can't help it because he loves me. In fact, thats what hes told me.

I can tell he's really excited about our sushi date on Saturday, even though its just as friends, he keeps talking about it. It's so cute. We are going at 3pm instead of at night, which is much better to avoid hooking up, and we aren't going to the movies...also much better since we tend to be naughty at the movies. (I've never mentioned I'm an exhibitionist on here have I? Well, now you know...sorry if you didn't want to know, ha) He purposefully wants to take me OUT and BE SEEN...his words, not mine:) And I already told him we aren't hooking up, and he said "of course". AND Melissa made plans with me afterwards so I can take Cassies advice and have something afterwards so we won't be hanging out the entire day and then end up hooking up. So we are trying here.

Tomorrow is one of my dearest friends going away party...I keep forgetting she's leaving so soon and Im just excited for the party until I remember what its for. I am bringing SS and he's excited to come...I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON AND WISH I WAS BRINGING NUMBER 2 but what else is new? You know what though, I have fun with SS. Sure he says "dude" all the time and "because I'm cool like that" about anything and everything, and ok...he calls everything he doesn't like "gay" and its super offensive...and fine, Im not totally attracted to him and am kind of embarrassed to be "claimed" by him in public because it looks like we're out of the movie "Shes Out of Your League", and oh yeah, he smokes pot everyday and calls it his "medicine" and doesn't believe in Jesus. And ok, he's not a good kisser. And he's not assertive. And the idea of having sex with him grosses me out. BUT COME ON. He's nice to me, respectful, texts or calls me everyday, we have great talks, he makes me laugh, and we have fun together. And I love hearing from him...and holding his hand...and snuggling.

As Number 2 said, "it's ok, he can have you. FOR NOW."

Quit freaking out, Im going to figure this all out. I am. Just give me time.

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