Sunday, September 12, 2010

Glass Case of Emotion!

Another FANTASTIC weekend still happening! Every moment I keep having to stop and go, "really? this is my life? I LOVE IT!!!" especially after such a tough year, I still keep reeling when so much happiness comes wrapped up like a present just for me. You might not agree, but for me this is evidence that the God I serve is so great. He supports me during the HORRIBLE times, and then brings light and good things at the end of the tunnel too. I am so thankful!

Ok sooooo someone might be really starting to like SS and that someone may be ME. If you read the end of my previous post I was going into our Friday date with a "I really need to tell this guy we should just be friends" mentality for various reasons aforementioned...but as soon as he opened the door I was like WHOA. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I TOTALLY LIKE THIS GUY! I was super grumpy because I hadn't eaten enough that day and was trying to wait until the party we were going he made me a snack of crackers and peanut butter and got me was pretty cute. Then we snuggled on the couch for like half an hour talking about his friends he had visited and our work week and everything. He's so snuggly, its so sweet. The highlight was when I accidentally said, "Its so nice to see you! I missed you!" I immediately regretted saying that because know how boys will typically react to that, but not him! Without missing a beat he responded, "I know, I missed you too!". That FLOORED me. First of all the fact that I even felt like I missed him when I've been kind of ragging on him in my head mentally...and secondly that he totally missed me too:) Neither of us really wanted to leave because we were so happy snuggling and being with each other, but finally we did and of course the party for my friend Rachel who is moving to Germany was also awesome. As always he got along with everyone, met my parents who happened to be there, all my girl friends thought he was so nice and how amazing it was that he was cool with just stepping right in and talking to everyone. THE BEST is that after a little while of introducing him to people and talking all together, I am always able to kind of leave him and talk to my friends or family and he's totally fine! In fact, he made friends with Rachels boyfriend and two other Aussie and Kiwi guys who were was so great. Everyone liked him:)

Afterwards he drove us back to his house and we "watched" Dexter/made out for like 2 hours. I don't have issues with wanting to sleep with him anymore, as far as attraction goes. I had a hard time keeping my panties on actually...but I knew that I wasn't emotionally ready, I don't love him yet, it hasn't been enough time, we aren't official...etc. Plus, I keep trying to remember that after SEX all the fun little make outs and hand holding and whatever don't make my tummy all sparkly anymore...they are great, but they don't have the same "this is new and so fun!" effect. So I am trying to enjoy the beginning phase, because once it's done it's done and hopefully when the second phase sets in after sex, I will be at a place with him where I don't miss the first phase anymore. My other favorite part of the night was after we were making out and I was so tired I didn't want to leave or move or do ANYTHING so I just sat snuggling with him in my underwear and we were just talking and he was running his hands through my hair and he does this sweet move where he runs his finger down my nose. I just felt so happy and safe and treasured. Probably also why I didn't want to leave.

A failure moment after the make out...but I was just so tired and a little tipsy...
me: do you think I'm pretty?
SS: Uh, I think you are more then just pretty.
me: well you never tell me.
SS: do you want me to tell you?
me: yes.

I HATE being that girl who needs boys to tell her she's pretty, and I wasn't together enough to explain to him that I have confidence in myself and how I look, but I still need the man I am with to affirm that he is attracted to me and that I am beautiful. It's pretty standard right? But instead it just comes out as RIDICULOUS. Oh well, he is awesome and totally won't judge me for it. No games with's what I like best.

Then Saturday I got up kind of early and went to breakfast with my girl friends, came home for a quick nap and to finish getting ready, then had lunch with Number 2. Talk about an emotionally confusing weekend. Lunch was SO nice of course, somehow we ended up at a pub and the end of a crazy Notre Dame/Michigan game was on so I got to watch him watch football which was funny. I could have been annoyed, but honestly...we are so comfortable with each other I was just happy to be with him. I didn't care what we were doing. I was so was like we did this every day. Sat together eating good food and watching football games. Afterwards we walked to the beach and sat on a bench and snuggled a little...he kissed me quite a few times and grabbed me sexually as per our usual selves...but I was holding back so much from him. I REALLY didn't want to have sex so I just couldn't even let myself feel turned on by anything, otherwise I knew I was going to lose it. And I don't trust him, I am still not a priority or girl friend after almost a YEAR, I know I probably won't see him for another 2-4 weeks, and he really hurt me. But it was still so nice to see him. It's to the point where I feel like he has part of me...and I don't realize I am not totally relaxed until I am with him and all the parts of me are together and I can breathe again. Plus, he's a really good kisser. Once again, everything is there between us...he just won't get it together and be with me.

I was so emotionally confused afterwards I just had to sit in my car awhile and almost cried just from being overwhelmed. Being with Number 2 was so wonderful but then that made me sad at the same time because we aren't together and I couldn't even fully engage in our time together because I didn't want to get carried away. SS is super great too, besides a few things, but I don't know if I should feel like I am cheating on him at this point?

I went to Melissa's afterwards. Number 2 called me a few hours later and I ignored it...when I called him back WAY later he said he had been at the Starbucks around the corner working on school stuff and wanted to see if I wanted to hang out more. UM that is unheard of in Number 2 land. I was sad we weren't able to hang out more but also knew it was for the better since we would have for sure hooked up at that point...I only have so much will power. And again, it makes me so happy that he wanted to see more of me...but then sad because we should be together anyway and this is just ridiculous. This is what I am saying, EMOTIONS!!!

SS and I texted while I was at Melissa's and made plans for the week. He's SO CUTE!!! see for yourself...this is after we've been texting awhile...
me: I leave Sunday the 19th!
SS: Ok well we got to hang out at least once before u leave. I know ull be busy, but MAYBE you can squeeze me in???
me: Well of course! I have an art/music/free beer event on Wednesday night I want to go to, wanna be my date? And Saturday night b4 I leave I already reserved for you:)
SS: (insert his nickname for me here:) I feel sooooo privey! Of course ill be ur gettin good at it. and so cool of u about saturday! im in for both obvi

He's so sweet, right? Not perfect, I still have a few issues with him, but I just enjoy him SO much!

The fun continues tonight as I venture with Melissa and her sister and brother-in-law, to go see a free documentary downtown at the museum of photographic arts about immigration! SO my kind of thing, I just love the arts. Then I think we're going to be getting happy hour somewhere too. MY LIFE!!

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