Sunday, October 30, 2011


Am I failure if I DO decide to just go home and stay home at Christmas? Now that I've realized I don't really have any friends here, work pretty much sucks, and my living situation will forever include a +1 boyfriend- I am starting to reconsider my choice to stay. Plus the very real issue of missing my mum and another "scan" (cue scary music) on her body in December. Of which the results could be very life altering.

I think what I love is living in a real city and not with my parents (go figure). Walking outside my door and having cafes, stores, even museums at my disposal. I can WALK 5min and be home from the bar. My apartment is beautiful. Although travel is more feasible since I'm already here in Europe, money is such a constant problem it's not like I can really partake in much anyway. And I keep thinking of moving other places but then realize I'll be even more alone there than I am here so what's the point? I know all of this "living in Europe" business sounds absolutely glamourous, and maybe it is if you're in Paris, Madrid, or Italy...but alone in eastern Europe might not be my cup of tea. And moving as an American to those other places is near impossible.

However, what keeps running through my head is "don't give up!" and I feel like if I go home to live with my parents -unemployed again- I will feel even worse. And then again, not much fun to be in Europe with tons of museums and beautiful things to do...and no one to do them with.

When I sit and try and listen to my heart she says, "YES, go home. Do it. Don't even think twice about this one. Go."

So here we are.

Gosh I wish therapist wasn't out for a MONTH on a seminar tour, I'm dying here.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Small Talk Kills.

I'm not sure where to even begin with this one. I am the conversation I had with roomie this afternoon. Last night we got home from Prague...cammie is kiiiind of a crazy person so I was exhausted upon being home for various reasons, and am still fighting a sinus infection, plus I had gone out almost every night while on holiday. Roomie was on her way out with work friends, and talking about a company I don't even work for all night wasn't really high on my agenda but I sent cammie out with them and passed out in my own bed- peace and quiet at last.

Today roomie and I had such a nice day together- lunch, shopping, dinner with friends, and then a movie. At one point in the afternoon she said all of our "friends" were talking about me last night. How I've changed. And when I am with them I am now distant, quiet, and they don't really feel like they know me very well. At first I wasn't surprised, but now I've been sitting in it and now find myself tearing up. Roomie said she'd actually been thinking about me all week, how lonely I must be. Since with our small group of "friends" I don't have anything real to talk with anyone about and everything is just surface level all of the time. I don't know what to talk to anyone about and they don't know what to talk with me about. Therefore, I think I've just begun to check out. At first it was fun, just all going out all the time and messing around. But now that I've been here almost a year I'd like to have some things in common with people and actually talk about real things...not just how much we drank last weekend. I genuinely don't know what to talk to any of them about and have zero people who share any of my interests. So yes "friends", I am a bit distant and fucking lonely to boot. And I like going out just as much as the next person, but if all I'm doing is working my ass off and then getting drunk and dancing on the weekend...sorry, doesn't really fulfill me.

Roomie keeps saying, "hmmm where can we find you some artsy friends..." and while I laugh, its true.

I miss my real girl friends who can as easily slip from making fun of each other to a deep discussion about music, art, politics, ANYTHING but how's work and your sex life.

I truly don't know where to go from here. I feel so alone. And now I am like 90% sure even the small group of "friends" I made here don't even like me. This whole "living it up in Europe" thing is really panning out for me isn't it.



Thursday, October 20, 2011

NOT on a Diet.

Something clicked recently. That I have been perpetually on a diet since the age of 15. 
Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Vegan, Vegetarian, Low Carb, 17 Day Diet, P90X, you name it and I've done it. 

And yes I lost about 35 pounds, but since then I've remained about the same and yet continue to feel guilty and try and control every single thing I put into my mouth. Still on this "diet" instead of being happy where I am and with the body I have. I've tried, and my body doesn't really want to lose anymore weight with the standard diet and exercise regimen. Which makes me think it's time to just- embrace it. 

Besides, every time I go out I have hoards of men looking at me and wanting to be with why do I keep calling myself "fat" and feel so guilty whenever I eat anything- while no one else seems to notice? 

So for the first time since I can remember. We are NOT on a diet.

We are embracing this body. Taking care of it, but not feeling guilty about it. 
And enjoying food. 
And enjoying my life. 

It's been 2 weeks and I haven't gained a pound. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011


I mentioned recently therapist helping me understand that I allow people to take a lot of emotional energy out of me. That they drain me and I let them because I don't even realize it's happening. I go along with whatever is happening and will rarely say anything if it bothers me because I don't even realize things are bothering me. I've learned to silence those opinions. I am an expert at fake smiling. And an expert at the "how are you doing?" fine. Without even comprehending I am lying. We are figuring out the reasons for it and how to fix this, but lately I have unfortunately realized roomie may be one of these draining people in my life.

She is constantly in "crisis!" mode with her job, boyfriend, daily life. And is very particular about a lot of things so then complains a lot when it's not how she wants it. Example: every time we go out to eat, she won't like something and complain about it. Maybe its the food, the service, her drink, slow service, anything really. Sometimes she'll even have these little fits at the restaurant. Never has a "good" day and comes home to bitch about everything that happened that day. Always fighting with her boyfriend. And because she is so impulsive and self centered, she'll buy things for the apartment or hire a cleaning/cook without thinking about the cost for me and then just expect me to pay half of it. I go along with a lot of what she wants and am probably her only friend because I'm the only one who can put up with her shit. So when I am finally actually in a real crisis mode with my mother being sick, she had the nerve last night to tell me she feels like she has no one to talk to because I'm needy right now, her boyfriend is always needy, and our other friend is going through some stuff and needs to talk too. REALLY? I used to have to drag your drunk ass home from somewhere multiple times a week. If you want to do something and I say no for valid reasons, you get all upset. Every night you come home and bitch about your day and I just sit and listen. I have to sit embarrassed at the bar every time we go out when you and boyfriend are fighting in front of everyone. EVERY night, I get to choose to either hang out alone in my room or with you and your boyfriend all over each other on the couch watching a movie in the living room I pay for every month. I do you and your boyfriends dishes every day because you're too lazy. I could go on.

Of course, it's not all bad. Whenever I need to talk she is always there. She checks up on me and makes sure I am ok. She yelled at our friends the other night for not including me when they go out and told them to be nice to me because I am going through a lot and to stop acting like douches. She loans me money if I am desperate and supports me in my life decisions. Plus, if something were to ever happen, I know I can always call her and she'll drop everything and come. That's a good friend. But maybe just not a good room mate.

So we're looking for separate flats. They want to raise the rent here now anyway, our contract is up, and she can't think of another solution for the boyfriend being over all the time thing bothering me. Because of course the obvious solution of encouraging him to get a life and leading normal lives where you see each other a few times a week or on weekends, isn't an option.

Of course we'll stay downtown and I think we might try and find something in the same building or area too. I have some desire to live alone...but I already get so lonely here and with my random bouts of depression I'm not sure its a good idea. But I also don't want to live with a Slovak (based on language and cultural differences of course). So we need to figure something out. But I'm stressed out now and the idea of just going home is more and more appealing.

Ms. Crazy.


I have never been so thankful for my girl friends then I am today. I love you, even all over the world, because you are NOT psychotic. You are loving. And you don't overreact about random shit. We rarely argue, and whenever we do "fight" we get over it rather quickly and know its not really that big of a deal. I can count on one hand the "arguments" I've had with all of my real girl friends. When I tell this to roomie, who never had girl friends because they're "too much drama", she is so so surprised. And so surprised to realize how normal I am. That I have emotions and issues- but I'm not a crazy person.

Basically. Thursday night was a horrible evening. I am dealing with my mother still kind of being sick and seeing her cry on skype and realizing this is going to fucking suck for a long long time- ruined me. I am starting to seriously want to go home now...because the reality that she may not have a lot of time is just sitting inside my heart and its just too hard to be away from her and be upset here with no support system. Plus, other reasons. But I just died after talking to her. Then, roomie and I were finally going to spend time together without boyfriend and I figured it'd be good to talk. Cue breaking down while walking down the street with her hugging me. At dinner I tried to talk to her about boyfriend being over all the time and she basically said I should move out if I don't like it. (we've resolved this a bit more since, but at the time I was so so hurt and angry on top of already being upset). Later, we went to get drinks with some friends and two of the girls sweet D hooked up with were sitting with us. We'll call one XY. XY was full on making out with her new love interest and our really good friend, Joe. While the other hook up was flirting it up with our other friend. It was SO awkward.

So I went home and was chatting with birthday boy about everything else and then on top of it how awkward it was to have XY and Joe MAKING OUT right next to Sweet D. Birthday Boy and Joe are best friends and he felt like he needed to tell Joe about XY hooking up with Sweet D, which I understand. So he did. And so Friday night I am home still trying to emotionally recover when Sweet D invites me out with everyone. I PRY (literally, it was so hard) myself out of bed and go to try and not be sad. Rather quickly XY seeks me out and takes me outside. OMG you would have thought I had punched her in the face, her anger and anxiety level was like a TEN just because I was talking to someone about her. Apparently SHE doesn't talk about anyone with anyone else and doesn't feel its right I do it. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to talk about her, I just assumed everyone knew about them hooking up, I was talking about MY feelings in the situation. And it's good she tells me she's upset so I can not talk about her, because I don't have a problem with people talking about me so it's hard for me to understand her position. Plus, I am going through a lot right now and this was hard for me to handle right that second. She was NOT having it. She couldn't understand my position, my feelings, and said all angry "don't tell me you can't handle this right now!" and the best part was when I tried to apologize for upsetting her she interrupted me with, "I don't want your apology, I want action, you need to change your behavior". Wow. Hello Crazy.

I was SO upset. I don't have problems with my friends. And I've been really frustrated with how few I have here, so for someone I considered to be at least kind of a friend blow up at me at a time when I am already so so sensitive was horrible.  Later I realized she wasn't as upset with me as she was about Joe finding out about Sweet D because now it makes her look like a slut. And she had to blame someone. But instead turned into an anti "gossiping" campaign. 

After that I knew I had two choices. Go home and be alone crying in my bed, or get really drunk and try and be honest about how I am doing when my friends ask. So I did the later.

I haven't been that drunk since I've been here. And I finally felt happy after drink #4.

Recovering today was HORRIBLE.

Not sure how to proceed with Crazy now. I miss you real girl friends. Very very much.

2 Hour Late Night Chats.

Yeah, thats right.

Someone is still talking to birthday boy almost every night on FB chat...sometimes for 2+ hours...and I have to say it's awfully nice. We basically just fawn all over each other telling each other how great the other one is and remembering our amazing time together. He also mentioned something interesting randomly mid conversation. He said he's realized how much he lets his guard down with me and is slightly more emotional than usual. That somehow I bring this out in him. I was flattered of course but then laughed to myself, because...Is ANYONE really surprised? What is this, number 125 in men who tell me their life stories and confide all these things in me after only spending a short while together? Roomie says its because I'm so maternal and I don't even realize it. I say- that sounds weird. Who wants to attract boys because I am maternal? Is that why they always end up emotionally dumping on me and then disappearing? Because really, who wants a mother for a girl friend.

Interestingly enough this is something therapist and I have been discussing. Apparently it also has to do with me being too much of an emotional giver. I just let men dump on me and it drains me. I give and give and take in and take in and end up depleted. But then I still don't understand the -then they leave- part. I hearrrrr it's because they realize I'm the marrying kind and get freaked out and peace because they are still just wanting to have fun. But who really knows.

For now, its nice to have a boy still enjoying talking to me and interested in my life for no other reason then because he thinks I am lovely.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Choose Three.

Choose Three.

So we all know I am not the richest teacher on the fresh graduate block, but I am finally in a place financially where I can choose to spend some of my money on...wait for it...myself. Yes, I still have credit home every year...etc. But every month I am still budgeting...even sometimes working extra hours- because I am choosing three things to do for myself. Just because I am awesome and work hard not just to pay bills and eat.

My three you probably already know: my nails, monthly lady waxing, and I am now seeing a therapist every week too. I feel so spoiled with my chosen three! And thats the point. Of course there is much much more I could spend coloring, eye brows, toe nails, shopping, gym membership, etc. BUT I just chose my three and enjoy every second of them. I dye my own hair, do my own eyebrows and nails, don't get to shop as often as I'd like, and work out at home (hahaha like I actually do that).

So I encourage you my loved. Choose at least three things to do for yourself that make you feel good and beautiful every month. Even if its just sitting at a cafe reading all morning and eating cake once a month- do it. We are human beings- not machines.



Sunday, October 09, 2011


And the movie my heart has been waiting for. Oh, I just love them so much.


My Week With Marilyn.

Finally they made the movie my life has been waiting for!

Saturday, October 08, 2011


Woke up to a message from Birthday Boy on Thursday...included things like, "Hello Beautiful...hate to sound lame, but I miss you a lot!...being hot and bothered on a long plane ride is the worst...etc."

Minor heart explosion<3

Have to say, feels good to not be rejected by a boy for once.

But I'm still sad and bummed. I miss him. I feel stupid feeling this way, but we had such a sweet time together. I think its also nice that we just got to have the fun beginning part of something amazing though. Better then nothing and better then it turning bad. We've written more. He confirmed that we definitely had a connection, that he felt more for me then just lust (hehe), and that he can't remember the last time he enjoyed someones company as much as our time together. Swoon.

Back to reality...

Having to accept that roomie/"bestie" just ditches me all the time for her boyfriend now, and that familiar feeling of lonliness has returned today as I ran errands and sat in a cafe working alone all day. She's honest about the fact that she sucks at time management, so I think I am going to make us a date night where the boyfriend isn't invited. Because just talking for 10 minutes about our day when she's home from work just until her boyfriend comes over every night isn't exactly the quality time I consider a good friendship to have. My tummy is bothering me today so it's good I'm just taking it easy I suppose...and I finally texted my old roomies who invited me over for home made Mexican food and some drinking. So the weekend might turn for the better after all.

I think i just need to get drunk. Drinking solves everything.

Ugh, I've been working way way way TOO much. I counted my hours vaguely...omg. Around 50+ for school, and then 5 more with private tutoring. No wonder my tummy is upset and all I want to do is drink, good Lord.

I think things will calm down a bit more now. I finally have a handle on the schedule and the students are getting more independent so I can just give them things to do and can work on grading, putting things up, prepping lessons, etc while they work. Plus, I am supposedly getting an assistant within 2 weeks time and they said I could give copying to our receptionist to do for me sometimes. So things are getting better. And I am enjoying the new challenge of the tutoring students after school and the extra money is SO good for me. This is the first month I am not broke the entire week before we get paid again and have to borrow from roomie! I feel so adult! And I still have money for my 3 self things: nails, therapy, and waxing. Someone is growing up- It's weird.

Counting down until my Cammie comes to see me. I am SO excited to spend time with someone who truly knows me annnnd hasn't been to Europe before. The best of everything! Taking a vacation is high on my "Things To Be Excited About" list too. I need the break from work and am so glad I am leaving so it'll force me not to work. If I stayed home I would just sit in this cafe and plan and plan and catch up on grading, then go back to work just as annoyed as when I left.

Alright. The cafe's dim lights are now officially hurting my eyes and I am sick at looking at these science books, bleh.

Enjoy your lives my loves.



Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Birthday. Rendezvous.



Looks pretty great huh. Birthday plans started out pretty amazing...we booked a table at sky bar for 15 people and I had around 20 "friends" RSVP, plus we were going to a nice club afterwards. Roomie and I spent the day getting ready...we bought the crown, dress, and new shoes. Did my hair...roomie did my makeup...baked the funfetti cake I brought back all the way from America...painted my toes...etc.

However. The night ended up being all of my "friends" kind of ignoring me, and basically just using it as an excuse to party. Everyone (except roomie) almost just left me at sky bar to go to some other club where another girl was having a small party. I didn't want to go because it wasn't very nice and it was far away, but no one asked me where I wanted to go or seemed to care. Roomie had to TELL me, "so everyone is leaving to go to the other club so we need to go". I had to do my cake and presents with just a few people because no one else was even paying attention. Everywhere we went everyone would literally be standing around a table talking or whatever and I would be standing or sitting alone. I had to start hitting people and trying to joke, "can I please be invited to my own birthday party?! Damn!" I thought I was maybe being oversensitive and wanting too much attention...but the next day roomie confirmed my feelings. We both realized who are real friends were. But even roomie left early with her boyfriend because he had a baseball game the next morning and is always a priority these days. Plus, the old birthday boy I've been seeing- at the last minute couldn't come because of work and I was disappointed. And I cried because I missed all of you forever friends and my family on my first birthday so far away from home. People who actually know what to talk to me about and care about me.

Luckily, the night ended up with me dancing at an actual legit club with the remaining few until 5a and them all walking me home. A definite high note to end on.

A real picture of the evening?

Almost everyone at the other table ignoring me while I open presents. Receiving condoms from my friend who remembered me whining about not being able to get any in Slovakia after 9p. Little did he know how handy they would come in...


After my semi shitty birthday party, my hungover self and birthday boy had plans for the day once he was finished working. The plans became "Wanna come over and lay in bed with me all day while I get over this hangover?". Obviously he rushed over. After our failed sexcapade in July before I left for SD, Sunday became what we like to call "Naked Cartoon Day" which included having the best sex of my life four times, watching Despicable Me all snuggled up laughing SO hard, and talking and laughing ALL day and night. It may have ended up being one of my better birthdays.

First of all, we had SO MUCH fun together! And definitely had a sweet connection because we would just talk and talk about our lives and selves. He told me hilarious stories and was so loving with me. He would kiss me and kiss me, hold me really close, touch my face and hair...and compliment me up to wazoo. I am in the process of trying to document everything he said about me because I never believe these things about myself. Most things I want to keep, but a snippet to share...
"wow, you have an amazing body"
I'll take that.

We proceeded to have "Naked Monday" evening and "Naked Tuesday" evening to the point that both of us were SORE from so much sex, ahahahaha.

Sadly, last night we had to say good bye. He left for Brazil this morning for his next post. We were both sad...another one of those great people you meet and have a connection with and then have to say good bye. Both of us have done this many times, both of us knew what was happening this time, and both of us confirmed that it sucked. But he wants to end up on the base in socal after his year in we'll see what happens...

So yeah...quite the weekend and week. Plus I started my tutoring clients this week, mom had another surgery yesterday, and I just got home from a very emotional counseling session. All in all, I would say my plans of going to bed at 9:00p are SOLID.

Tomorrow for the actual birthday, roomie and I are going to my favorite Italian restaurant for dinner- so excited!



Tuesday, October 04, 2011


Its my bed time but I am DYING to update!!!

Birthday gala was interesting...more on that to come...

More interestingly, I just finished having my rendezvous with birthday boy and OMG.

Turns out birthday boy and I really connected...really liked each other...and had THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE for the last 3 days straight.

And of course he leaves for Brazil for his next embassy placement tomorrow. Couldn't just meet someone great, connect, have great sex, and have it work out. That would just be too much to ask for.

I'll have more time tomorrow evening for a nice big fat update.