Drained.

I mentioned recently therapist helping me understand that I allow people to take a lot of emotional energy out of me. That they drain me and I let them because I don't even realize it's happening. I go along with whatever is happening and will rarely say anything if it bothers me because I don't even realize things are bothering me. I've learned to silence those opinions. I am an expert at fake smiling. And an expert at the "how are you doing?" fine. Without even comprehending I am lying. We are figuring out the reasons for it and how to fix this, but lately I have unfortunately realized roomie may be one of these draining people in my life.

She is constantly in "crisis!" mode with her job, boyfriend, daily life. And is very particular about a lot of things so then complains a lot when it's not how she wants it. Example: every time we go out to eat, she won't like something and complain about it. Maybe its the food, the service, her drink, slow service, anything really. Sometimes she'll even have these little fits at the restaurant. Never has a "good" day and comes home to bitch about everything that happened that day. Always fighting with her boyfriend. And because she is so impulsive and self centered, she'll buy things for the apartment or hire a cleaning/cook without thinking about the cost for me and then just expect me to pay half of it. I go along with a lot of what she wants and am probably her only friend because I'm the only one who can put up with her shit. So when I am finally actually in a real crisis mode with my mother being sick, she had the nerve last night to tell me she feels like she has no one to talk to because I'm needy right now, her boyfriend is always needy, and our other friend is going through some stuff and needs to talk too. REALLY? I used to have to drag your drunk ass home from somewhere multiple times a week. If you want to do something and I say no for valid reasons, you get all upset. Every night you come home and bitch about your day and I just sit and listen. I have to sit embarrassed at the bar every time we go out when you and boyfriend are fighting in front of everyone. EVERY night, I get to choose to either hang out alone in my room or with you and your boyfriend all over each other on the couch watching a movie in the living room I pay for every month. I do you and your boyfriends dishes every day because you're too lazy. I could go on.

Of course, it's not all bad. Whenever I need to talk she is always there. She checks up on me and makes sure I am ok. She yelled at our friends the other night for not including me when they go out and told them to be nice to me because I am going through a lot and to stop acting like douches. She loans me money if I am desperate and supports me in my life decisions. Plus, if something were to ever happen, I know I can always call her and she'll drop everything and come. That's a good friend. But maybe just not a good room mate.

So we're looking for separate flats. They want to raise the rent here now anyway, our contract is up, and she can't think of another solution for the boyfriend being over all the time thing bothering me. Because of course the obvious solution of encouraging him to get a life and leading normal lives where you see each other a few times a week or on weekends, isn't an option.

Of course we'll stay downtown and I think we might try and find something in the same building or area too. I have some desire to live alone...but I already get so lonely here and with my random bouts of depression I'm not sure its a good idea. But I also don't want to live with a Slovak (based on language and cultural differences of course). So we need to figure something out. But I'm stressed out now and the idea of just going home is more and more appealing.