Monday, January 28, 2013

Survival Sex.

More on our Vegas weekend family extravaganza to come, but for now to revel in our favorite part of the weekend: the hot post Vegas club hotel sex.

Being in a committed relationship (when your significant other is actually HERE now and not across the world) and living together changes your sex life. It's weird. We've fallen into this pattern of "Survival Sex". After being a part and hot n' bothered for a year, I rightly assumed we'd be doing it ALL the time once we were together. I forgot that we get up at 5:00 AM everyday and didn't realize the daily struggle to have life and time together done by bed time every night. Furthermore, I spent quite a few days a bit upset that boyfriend was "too tired" to do it and thought something was wrong with me. However, now our week nights as we fall into bed (usually at 9:00pm like two old people I might add) we either snuggle for a few minutes before going to sleep in our separate sides of the bed, or we have our survival sex. We call it survival sex because really, you are just doing it to survive. Don't want to be grumpy and irritable all day from lack of boning, so you have some good quick easy missionary survival sex before passing out. But the weekends. OH THE WEEKENDS. The weekends I am surprised we even get anything else done.

A weekend in Vegas was no different. Except this time we were dressed up and drunk in the beautiful club at the Bellagio where we kind of got to pretend we had just met that night. I seduced him and got the " you wanna get out of here?", we stumbled back to the tram where somehow the gods gave us our own car so we could feel each other up the entire way back to our room, and proceeded to have hot heels on, dress pushed up, pressed against the window Vegas sex. But as a bonus its with my committed boyfriend so it's not awkward and no fear of diseases or babies!!!!

After a weekend of two nights at the club and a hotel room all to ourselves, our bodies are thankful for the work week where we can go back to survival sex...or just passing out at 9:00pm. I love my life.



Thursday, January 24, 2013

A Whole Heart.

The last 2 days have been rough. With my love getting so much crap from his work guys about the whole strip club debacle, he's been irritable and seems angry and frustrated with me. Then to top it off I have been so sick of crazy baby mama always texting him to talk, like they are best friends or something? She's telling him about who she's dating, random life things she's excited about, etc. It might be a little different if she didn't JUST tell him last month that she's STILL in love with him and had a temper tantrum when she found out we were planning on getting married. It's all just so inappropriate and disrespectful to me, and furthermore WEIRD between the two of them. He say's its just until the court papers are signed and then he won't have to be so friendly with her anymore...but it's been like this since we've been together. Can't they just be civil without being this weird friend thing?

Besides her he has these other girls always calling him when their boyfriends are breaking up with them, is making friends with groups of girls at the bar when I am not around, etc. To say I am tired of it would be an understatement.

All of that pent up. All of it sulking around in my heart. I just bottled it up and tried to forget about it, not let it bother me, move on. But of course as soon as he asked me what's wrong I exploded everywhere. Then when we snuggled up in bed later even more came tumbling out. Everything about his frustration over the Vegas and strip club issue, why the other women bother me, why it feels like I still don't trust him when I get upset about it, how I am afraid our issues are "too big" and am scared we won't make it sometimes, even the little issue of the help I need around the house. Even that I haven't wanted to mention because I didn't want to be nagging. All of it tumbled out between us in the dark of our little room. With Bella snoring on the floor beside us.

The sweetest moment was when we were talking about the other girls bothering me, and how sometimes I get worried our issues are too much and we won't make it (I don't have context of what's 'normal' in a relationship or not, who does?). All he said was, "You are the only girl I've ever loved with my whole heart..." and proceeded to tell me he's NEVER had concerns or worries about us. He KNOWS we are going to be together forever. That even though we are having some growing pains of just moving in together and everything in our lives changing, we love each other and always work it out. I don't know why I hold back talking to him about things, there's always some reason or another I rationalize. But then when we finally do talk about whatever it is, he takes everything in stride. Works to identify exactly what I am upset about and how he could do better. Reminds me how loved I am.That it will be ok. We will work it out. Helps that we also got to seal the deal in with a few rounds of sexy time too. It's been awhile since we've been able to because his hip is bothering him a lot after falling down some stairs, it's been hard on us so I hopped him up on ibprofun and we managed to make it through without him keeling over in pain.

After all of that I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed. Like this burden I've been carrying around has been lifted. The sky is clearer. My heart is lighter.

I feel inspired to continue working on being more open with him. The results are always so sweet. Why do we hold on to things? I know I am afraid of being rejected, but he's never done that to me. So why do I continue to cling on to things that are hurting me, why can't I learn?

Tomorrow after work we are off to Vegas for a surprise family reunion for my cousin being deployed in a few weeks. Plus my love has never been, so we can party it up and are glad to spend so much time together this weekend. PLUS he gets to meet my crazy Aunt's who I also haven't seen in a good minute.

Love is challenging everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. In a good way.



Wednesday, January 23, 2013

How Is This A Real Argument?

Please explain to me how this is a real argument? Girlfriend isn't comfortable with boyfriend going to a STRIP CLUB in VEGAS for farewell party for a friend from work, friends from work all give boyfriend a bunch of shit about it, somehow it's girlfriends fault?

Why am I now getting the sarcastic comments, cold shoulder, and meanness? He say's he's not angry with me, but the asshole is still very present and hurtful. I would guess he is just angry and doesn't realize he is taking it out on me like this.

Oh the growing pains of moving in together!

We are having so much fun most days, but moments like these are so exhausting.

How dare my boyfriend and future husband even think it appropriate to ask me if it's okay he go to a strip club? Where has our society fallen to when someone thinks this kind of behavior is perfectly acceptable? Furthermore, how dare I be the "bitch" in the situation by saying "Oh ya know, yeah I do have an issue with you all going to look at naked women dancing while in the backrooms the guys are getting blow jobs and taking the prostitutes home with them. Weird huh." I AM NOT IN THE WRONG HERE. Unfortunately, my love works with all macho boys with confidence issues (Marines) who tease the crap out of each other about anything and have wives who apparently "don't care" which makes the situation worse. But why does it have to be my fault? Why can't he be the one who says "Sorry guys, I'm not into that kind of thing" because HE knows its not okay either. Why do the women have to be the scapegoats and "bitches" here when really it's a morality issue.

What's worse is this is one of MANY upcoming "let's go to the strip club" events my boyfriend now has to work around. His brothers bachelor party, his own bachelor party, etc. It's weird because I don't care as much if they were to go see a sexy show with some boobies or if someone surprised him with a stripper for his bachelor party or something, but a strip club? In Vegas? How am I supposed to ever be on board with that? And why is it expected of me to be?

Luckily, he is taking the heat from work and standing his ground. I am reminding him that OUR family (being us and little buddy, plus any future kiddos someday), we do whatever we feel is right and whatever we want to. If people want to judge us and give us crap, then so be it. I am trying to be prayerful as well, I have moments of weakness when I want to give in "FINE JUST GO" but I know I will be upset. And I know it's wrong. And I know it's not the kind of example I want to give my children. 

So we march on...



Monday, January 21, 2013

The End of an Era.

Well a lot happened in the last year. Besides, moving back home from Europe, starting a new job in an entirely new field, then moving in with the boyfriend, I also managed to gain 15+ pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS. That's a lot when I am already considered "overweight" to begin with and am only 5'5. I won't bore you with how I am combating this weight gain with my sweet new healthy eating and exercise plans, instead let us tell the tale of when I realized I need to dispose with half of my wardrobe. It includes a crying fit in front of the bf so get ready for this ride.

We were going out last Saturday afternoon to the bar and I wanted to wear something cute and nice, maybe even a little saucy. When I put on one of my favorite sexy yet casual dresses the boyfriend looks at me and says, "baby, you are going to wear THAT?" and proceeded to show me how my ass was practically hanging out the back of it. I didn't freak out yet, just put on a different "looser" dress that's still a little sexy. Turned around in the mirror, SAME EFFECT. So obviously the only answer was to take off everything, get back in bed, and start crying and pouting.

Oh it was terrible, I had a good cry and the bf sweetly just stroked my back and hair and told me I am being silly and shouldn't complain about my awesome ass getting bigger. Jesus also talked to me a bit and reminded me of everything that's happened this year, 15lbs isn't that much, I am doing better with my diet, but more importantly...why are all my clothes WHORE clothes? Suddenly I realized! I am trying to stuff my 27 year old- practically married self into tiny dresses I've had since I was 23 and trying to land a man. A handful of them I can wear with leggings as cute tops now, but really I need to do another purge. It's time to grow up. No more running around in tiny dresses from my college days, I am a grown ass woman with a booty and boobies that need to be somewhat covered up on a regular basis. Plus, with the baby coming in about a month I can't be flouncing around with everything hanging out all the time.

Therefore, next pay check I will be officially purging some of the too tiny dresses, and filling up my closet with some ADULT WOMAN casual wear replacements.

I knew 2013 was going to be a big year.


Oh hey boobies.
You are too old to be flashing around anymore!
Oh you should see my ass hanging out the back of THIS.


Shows off my curves without everything hanging out everywhere- I say win!



Sunday, January 20, 2013

Do: Chicken & Pasta Dinner Party

Another successful dinner party completed! This was the "meet the long distance boyfriend" event, and I am happy to say all went well. Everyone liked my love (of course), and at least we got drunk. I put the menu together myself and was pretty proud of the results, so I wanted to share in case you have a dinner party or want something to bring to a party in the future. As a bonus, everyone loved it and it was dairy free for me, vegetarian, can be made gluten free for others (which I happened to do for a friend with allergies), and even your Paleo friends will be satisfied. 

The Appetizers
I wasn't particularly creative here, just did a sausage and brie plate with a baguette. Plus some pita crackers with hummus and two Trader Joe's warm appetizer bites. I kept this part simple so I could focus on getting everything else out and ready on time for the party. 

The Entrees

Asparagus, Goat Cheese, and Lemon Pasta
This is originally from Bon Appetit, which means FANCY, but I got it from the Smitten Kitchen blog here. A super easy and fresh tasting side dish or main entree for your vegetarian friends. A huge hit!

Roast Chicken
So I just went for it here, it was a last minute addition when my brother told me he had gone Paleo and I realized...pasta wasn't really enough for everyone anyway. Good thing is, roasting a chicken is SO SO easy and kind of fool proof. Plus everyone is impressed. I followed my memory mixed with the Barefoot Contessas recipe here. However, I don't coat my bird with butter like she does, I use olive oil instead.

There was also a fresh salad I topped with avocado for everyone as well.

The Dessert
Apple pie and berry pie. NO I did not make them myself, keeping with my "keep it simple" theme, my focus was on the main entrees so I cut corners in the appetizer and dessert area. However, I did get yummy more expensive pies from Trader Joe's, instead of just any ol brand from the grocery store. Verdict? Delicious. 

Order of Operations
2 hours before party: put together and chicken and begin cooking
1 hour before party: cook pasta, will be done before party time so you can just cover with foil.
.5 hour before party: remove chicken and cover to keep warm. Turn the oven to your warm appetizer temperature needs and put in. Put together and out the cheese plate, hummus dips, plates and utensils, bottle opener, etc.
Guests Arrive: let everyone arrive then unwrap and leave out the delicious food! Cut up avocado for the salad at this time. After dinner, turn the oven on to 200 and put the pies in to warm for 10 minutes.
Perfect order. Perfect party.

After hosting so many of these things major themes are coming out.
1. Keep it Simple.
Choose what to spend time, money, and extra effort on. In the other areas just get pre-put together items.

2. Paper is your friend.
SO GLAD we did paper and plastic this time! If it was a formal sit down dinner, of course I wouldn't. But in this instance our clean up today is going to be a breeze, which is perfect because I am exhausted.

3. Timing is everything.
As you saw, I timed everything out beforehand so I knew when I needed to wake up that day, how much time I had to clean, go to the store, and what time I HAD to start cooking so boyfriend had to finish up the cleaning. Planning and timing are important for meals with multiple moving parts.

Hope this helps with your dinner party adventures too!



Thursday, January 17, 2013


Love is so sweet.
Honestly, I just love having my man around. I can't believe how nervous I was for him to come and us to be together. Most of me knew it was going to be okay, but the nagging in the back of my head and the weird looks and comments from friends, strangers, and family about our situation left me often considering- maybe we ARE crazy? But gosh do we love life. Every moment together, even when we are fighting or just sitting and watching a movie feels special to me. Being able to check things off of my "do with bf" list every week. It's just such a special time, we feel like newlyweds. 

But boy does living with the man you love challenge you. Not in the way you would think, and the way I thought when people said living together is hard. It's not in the "don't leave your dishes in the sink!" way. That stuff we are figuring out and it never escalates  But in the way that...I am learning so much about myself already that I never noticed or knew before. Frustrating things I need to change in my life. Twice this week, and once in Mississippi I had one too many drinks and insulted my friend or the bfand then the bf accidentally. They both knew that I didn't mean to be so rude, and love me anyway, but bf called me out both times. And I have some serious issues with filtering things I say while drinking. I cried my eyes out both times because I felt so horrible. And hurting the people you love the most is heartbreaking to say the least. The bf told me straight up, "Sometimes I just don't think you filter what you say and realize it's going to hurt people". Damn. 

So I am taking the next steps ASAP. Firstly, limiting the amount of alcohol I drink for awhile. Half because of this and half because I want to lose some weight (more on that later). I am going to try and always stop at two except for special occasions when more might be necessary, such as a long evening event. I am also trying to be more aware of what I say, my tone, when I say things, etc. Apparently sometimes it's not what I say, but how I say it that hurts people or has pegged me as kind of a bitch. Finally, and most importantly as I feel rather overwhelmed by this personality change overload...I am praying. I learned long ago the only real way to make changes is to give it up and actively ask Jesus to do things in your life for you. I want to try and ask Him in the mornings and of course in the moment when I am struggling. If you aren't spiritual like this I understand, but even meditating when you are in tough situations is proven to make all the difference so I am not a crazy person here.

I also want to work on how I react to these situations. I was so upset every time I got called out for being a jerk. Although this is sadly a natural reaction, really I should have responded with a self-realization and change on my part. Not a cry fest and "I'm such a horrible person wahhhh" night. I am doing better now. Even writing this I am thankful for the exposure to the change I need to make in my life.Thankful to the moments when my love sweetly points out something I may want to work on. Thankful to God that these are the reasons he gives us other people so live and love so closely with. To make us into better people. 

I love that I now have a new years resolution that ISN'T about my weight and health. Of course that is a big one too since I gained about 15lbs last year, but I am tired of my outside being my biggest focus. I am thankful for something my inside gets to tackle for awhile. To top it off, I am also feeling drawn to doing some volunteer work with the bf. We both love kids and are really good with them, plus after so much practice in odd and potentially unusual situations, we could do a lot of good things for others and our hearts by doing a little service somewhere. So it would appear 2013 is about making over my inside a bit. Being more loving in what I say and do. And in turn being more loving to my body in what I give and do not give it. Looks like I have some work ahead of me.



Monday, January 14, 2013

Home for Keeps.

It's been much too long. Two weeks without writing leaves me itching every morning at work to shove my to do list to the corner and open this sweet blank page to attempt to express how much my life has changed in just the two weeks.

Quickly, a recap of our Mississippi to San Diego adventure. It was sweet to spend time with his family and the baby while I was there. He was able to mostly finalize a custody agreement with crazy baby mama (included plenty of crying and confessions from her on still "loving" him...awkward), but in order to do so, he had to leave me with his Dad and the baby at his house for an entire afternoon. Then the next day did it again to try and get the babies bed from her. So by the time we got to leave to start our trip, we were READY. Not ready to say good bye to little bear, but definitely ready to leave boring Tupelo, being around family ALL the time, and wanted to just spend some time together alone. We get to go get the little buddy at the end of next month or so, which we realized was better anyway. Time to get his room together and sort out day care for while he's here. It was hard to say good bye, especially since I could see he already has some security and attachment issues...not to mention not being on a schedule AT ALL which was baffling to this teacher/nanny. I will be glad when I can be a proper step mommy to him for awhile. We left and drove the entire 24 hours straight to Phoenix. I may have driven for like...6 of it. I was a horrible girlfriend and bf was pretty fussy with me toward the end. In my defense I felt like I was going to throw up most of the trip AND we drove through the night so I hadn't really slept and wanted to kill myself. We made it through! Mostly we were fine with just a few fussy moments as expected.

Afternoons of snuggling

Wearing Daddy's hat on the way to Nana and Papa's
When I gave him his Christmas present which I hear he has now worn out.

This one, KILLS ME.
However, something sweet but challenging happened on the last 2 hours from Tucson to Phoenix. Something I think required my love to be a little sleep deprived. And us to have so much alone time and empty space to fill. The something being: He told me everything he's never told anyone. And from someone in the Marines that's a BIG deal. Just imagine the things Marines have done and seen. The things that give them nightmares. The things that aren't supposed to traumatize them so they don't tell anyone that they do. Those things. All of it. Every last detail, every last emotion, everything. A few details he couldn't tell me since they were classified such as where and what the mission was for, but otherwise it was the first time he had ever been so honest with anyone. Afterwards and even over the next few days he would ask me things like, "So are you sure? With all of those things I told you, you aren't scared to be with me now?". How could he be any further from the truth. If anything, the honesty and trust he had finally built with me after over a year so he could tell me meant more than the content. I explained this and it's sweet to see him believe me now. I promised I would never tell anyone what he said, and I won't. But my love has gone through more than I ever thought.

Being with a military man is challenging in so many ways that are difficult to explain to anyone else not in this situation. We are trying to get together with some of his work friends and their wives so I can have some support and relationships with women I can relate to. Especially since he'll probably be deployed in September (Thank God not February like we originally thought!). I think I will be ok, but having women who feel the same things and I do and can talk about it I think will mean so much. They even have a new club they started which I might join! Most of these women don't work (in fact, everyone in his shop are married and all of their wives DON'T work. It's weird.) so they have time to plan and organize cute things which I will gladly take advantage of!

And so my dear friends, after this long while of being without my love. Being single and frustrated for so long before that. Being so hurt along the way. I am so so SO happy now. Content. Joyful every morning when I get my wake up kiss and cuddle. When I get to cook for him and hug him. When we come home and miss each other after working all day and just want to sit on the couch and snuggle and catch up. I am beyond blessed. And while our love and relationship is so sweet, it has also already challenged me in ways I never imagined. More on that to come.