Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A Lot of Things

A lot has happened since my previous post. We'll start with the good.

1) I went to my first Padres game in like 10 years tonight!!! It was SO fun! I went Melissa and her sisters and their significant others, and babycakes:) Can I just say that baseball games are THE BEST! I want to go to more and more please!!! I still really want to go to a throwback game where they wear vintage jerseys and beer is half priced. What is there NOT to like about vintage and cheap beer? exactly. we're going.

2) I finally talked to my agency. the fancy family called. the job went to someone else who somehow had more nanny experience AND teaching experience (I have 4 years nanny with one family plus more with other short term families...this person must not have had a life). But she also said that they really liked me and that I would have been great, it is still just a trial so if it doesnt work out they'll bring me back for a 3rd interview. Plus, my agency lady said I am "fantastic" and "top notch" so she'll have no problem finding me another job for another family. So that's that. I still have a sliver of hope...but not really. I applied for about 8 other jobs Sunday and Monday. Havent heard a thing. This is my life people. Everyday.

3) Number 2 did something earth shattering this evening. He knew I was at the baseball game. And he texted me and invited me to MEET HIS FRIENDS and HANG OUT at the sky bar with them which is super close to the stadium. It took me a good 20 minutes to figure out what to text back. I was not only in SHOCK but I had carpooled with the family and kids and would have to reallllly finagle a way to get there and be home in the morning by 9a to tutor. Now I considered a lot of things...I could have just walked there and stayed at his house and he could have dropped me off in the morning, or I could have called in sick to tutoring in the morning and driven home late, or when I got my car which was about 20min closer downtown then home I could have just driven back downtown. All options. BUT I decided to do none of those things. I knew he wouldn't want me to sleepover and drive me home in the morning. I also knew I couldn't call in sick to the ONE job I actually do have, the last day nonetheless. And that it was just TOO desperate to drive all the way from almost home back downtown and I was too tired and when I looked in the mirror...too haggard. I sat in my car negotiating all of this for quite awhile. Finally, I just drove the rest of the way home. Now hes been texting me again and feels proud of himself for inviting me to hang out with his friends...10 months too late bud. I even told him outright, "I would have come but I know you wouldn't want me to sleepover or drive me home in the morning." He says "you dont know that". UH...YES I DO. I've never been to your house or met your friends or family in 10 MONTHS even though I've made it clear that its important to me and you've had ample opportunities to invite me but dont.
Plus, lets be honost, everyone knows we would have had sex and then all of this would be a mess all over again.

Am I proud of myself? YES.
Do I wonder what would have happened in a good way? YES.
Do I regret not going? KINDA...But Im trying to remember it was the right thing to do.
And that I dont always need to jump when he happens to invite me to something...I am free pretty much every night of the week and NOTHING.

Did I mention how its been 10 months and I've never met his friends or family or been to his house? THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING.

4) Speaking of Number 2. I noticed something weird this I was hanging out with the babycakes and seeing lots of families and then I started picturing my baby and my family someday...lala so nice...then BAM! I realize the babies and husband and family I am always always with my Number 2. My babies are all beautiful and half Filipino from his side. When I picture us driving somewhere I always picture him driving...when I imagine my family doing ANYTHING its with him and our little brown babies. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I kind of creeped myself out. I mean...we did talk about marriage. And our future babies. And I'm a girl and this is what we do. But to still be doing that unknowingly after all the crap I'm going through with this guy? Ridiculous. So now the next project, trying to turn those thoughts off. At least I got the thinking about him all the time off now. I know by the looks of the blog it may not seem true...but I promise it is.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


No word from the damn fancy family yesterday OR today. I'm SO frustrated. I called my agency and left ANOTHER message asking if they called her maybe. Haven't heard anything. I haven't lost hope, I'm just annoyed more than anything else. Either my agency or the family is SUCKING and not letting me know so I can move on with my life. And furthermore, I turned down another perfectly good job because I was waiting for these jerkfaces. I may have another interview tomorrow, but she has 3 kids and doesn't want to pay more than $15/hour so I think I might just cancel the interview. This is what Im dealing with people.

Number 2 finally brought up the text message thing yesterday. He said he was so drunk he didn't even remember texting me until the morning when he saw the long "conversation" we had. Obviously I knew he was drunk and it didn't mean anything to him, but I cant help but analyze and wonder why he always texts ME. No time to dwell, the conversation ended with him saying,
"anyway, you know Im crazy about you."
"uh, no your not"
"yes I am, just not the way you want me to be."

just when you think that stabbed in the heart-I feel like Im going to throw up-crying my eyes out- phase has gone away.
It rears its ugly head once again.

But in all honesty, I AM getting over him. I really am. I dont think about him all day anymore. I've only cried twice in the last few weeks since I ended it officially. When I talk to him I get irritated and change the subject when he tries to talk about sex with me whereas before I took it as a sign that he looooved me and was attracted to me...blah blah blah. bullshit. I ignore his calls. When I do talk to him I am getting really good at keeping my mind in the friend zone and not constantly analyzing what he says, looking for a sign that he loves me and wants me. I have already been flirting and putting myself out there with other guys. I know I probably need another few weeks until I'm ready to seriously date someone, but Im working really hard at getting there. I know I deserve someone awesome who values me and wants me to be a part of their life. And I genuinely do know it will happen someday. I just forget sometimes...annnnd cry myself to sleep.

Besides, Im really busy watching Wife Swap and Style By Jury.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Exciting News!

I have FANTASTIC news! I found my dream engagement ring!
Its on Etsy HERE

Not only is is classic and beautiful but its vintage and art deco too! My favorite! Ideally I would like a hand me down from his side of the family, but this will do too.

Also note: Not only am I not getting married, but I dont even have a boyfriend. Just a douche who drives me crazy and has no intention of marrying me. Crazy? I would say YES.

This is how I am spending my day while I WAIT and WAIT for the fancy family to call me to see if I made it to a trial day.
Im so anxious.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Saga Continues

We talked yesterday for an hour while he drove up to his friends going away party...all his friends are going to grad school while he got rejected from all his schools:( his two besties are going to be in the Chicago area where he would have been too. Its been a rough year for the both of us. anyway. It was a formal $100/person party at some Russian restaurant..he "thought about inviting me but knew I didnt have $100" (great guy huh), he said he wasnt going to drink so he could drive home that night and study the next day and not be hungover. Sure enough around 11p I start getting the drunk texts. Pretty much every time he goes out I get a slew of texts. I used to take this as something sweet because it meant he was thinking of me and missing me while he was out...but then I realized, wait a minute? Why is he out without me? I should be there dancing and drinking and meeting his friends WITH him. Maybe not all the time, but SOMETIME. Seriously, once would be nice. Arg.

so he was texting me funny things...I was texting back quick funny answers. He texted something sexual and I responded
"yeah, but then you broke my heart so no more of that for you"

Then he writes back:

"love you"

UM. what am I supposed to do with that? WHY WHY WHY????!!!!
I wrote back "liar liar pants on fire drunky" because I reallllly didn't want to take it to heart. Im trying really hard to forget about it and remember that I should have been there with him. That he didn't mean it. That hes just a flirt. That hes a DOUCHE. but seriously? Love you? HES THE WORST. It's like he gets pleasure confusing and hurting me.

Then in the morning he texts me "dont worry about the Facebook post, it was just dancing".
So I check the Facebook post,
"wow i love Russian girls".

so now I dont know how to feel about him texting me that either?! He clearly feels the need to make sure I'm not upset. But does he just not want to hurt me because he knows how I feel about him? That has to be it. I'm so frustrated.

Seriously friends, I am an awesome girl. I am pretty (some say beautiful) and super fun and outgoing, I don't flirt with boys who aren't mine, I don't drink too much, I am an excellent dresser, I am well traveled and cultured, I have lots of different interests, I have a post baccalaureate teaching credential, I got great grades in college because I'm really smart...I mean the list goes on. So WHY am I getting treated like some second rate girl he found at the bar one night and doesn't know what to do with? Why WOULDN'T he want to bring me to his friends party? Have we been over how I'm pretty and super fun?

We haven't talked since then. He called me but I was busy. arg.

Anyway. Enough of douche number 2.

Last night I had THE BEST NIGHT! Annie and I bar tended a party at my old work where Annie still works. It was so much fun! We are awesome bartenders! We just flirted and danced with each other behind the bar and made awesome tips and would take breaks to dance on the dance floor...and drink free drinks and eat free food. Everyone loved us! Especially 3 men who just adored me...such a good night to boost my self confidence when douche has been shredding it. One poor bloke arrived and I immediately noticed him, he was really cute. He asked me to dance and I made him drinks and he tried to kiss me a few times...hehe. Then at the end of the night I find out he used to be a professional rugby player in New Zealand and is now a firefighter. I KNOW RIGHT. However, at the beginning of the night he was sober and fun but by the end he was super drunk, flirting with everyone, and expressed how his 5 year girl friend just broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

I gave him my number anyway of course.

Gosh, I hope tomorrow I hear from the fancy job. At this point I am going to be so disappointed if I dont get a trial day. So much anticipation. They said Monday or Tuesday so I still might not hear tomorrow...arg. I thought they needed someone asap! jeez! I lost the other family that wanted me to start asap. They said they had to try and find someone else since I wouldn't know until mid week and they needed someone to start tomorrow. but the more I think about it the more Im not sure it was the job for me. I want to do things with my kids...not just hang around the house.

anyway. we'll see.



I am all about honesty. I tend to tell people exactly how I'm feeling and have a very small filter. It's a good quality I guess. I've had a public blog connected to my name for a few years now...but then my love life started to pick up and I wanted to write about it. Then my family decided to follow my blog. Then the guy I was writing about found my blog. So...that's enough of that. Instead of filtering my writing, we're off to a new fresh start. A new name. A new anonymity.

Things with the boy are still ridiculous. I've been really good about not calling him or texting him, he...not so much. He keeps calling and texting me and it totally lures me back in. I try not to pick up all the time...and I dont have my phone with me all the time "waiting" like the old days so I miss his calls a lot which is good too (I'm not good with phones). Last week we got into a huge fight (or intense discussion as I like to say) when we tried to just talk...I don't think he understands that I need time away from him so I can be his friend. I can't just switch everything off like that. All this time I've been hearing "I think you're awesome (insert a lot of nice things he loves about me here), I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not saying never, just not right now while I figure all of this out". So to me, that meant give me a few weeks and then I'll get it together. right? And he still seemed into me calling me all the time...flirting...all up in my grill when we would hang out. I'm not crazy here. Finally it came out thats not what he meant...he meant not now...not in the near future...just maybe someday. He then listed all of his previous relationships and how they were friends and/or hook up buddies for a long time before they were something official...I used to think that was good thing, like there was hope for us and that we were building a relationship, now it sounds so immature and weird to me. HELLO your 27 years old and you have never just dated someone and then had her be your girlfriend...I know I dont have a ton of experience in this department, but I do know this isn't college anymore Bud. In real adult world we date other adults. Arg. We were spinning around talking and talking when "hey, can I call u right back...Arthur is calling" UH NO. But I said fine because I was hoping it would clear my head a little. Not only does he not call back and finish the discussion, but he doesn't call me the next day either. DOUCHE. So this is what I emailed him: (sometimes I email him instead of talking because I can think clearer).

Im glad you didn't call me back last night, I was exhausted and
although valid, it heightened my emotions. I just cried and went to
sleep, woke up feeling clearer in the head. (even though it was rude
of you to end our serious conversation to talk to Arthur and then not
call me back, jerkface) Ok, Im emailing you so I dont get all crazy.
First of all, you know how I feel about you, you have to understand
how hard this all is for me. You were the first boy I've loved as an
adult, the first boy I've been this intimate with, my best friend when
I've been going through so much, the first person I could see myself
marrying, you have been my rock. So just going from feeling all of
that and now trying to not feel that way about you is really difficult
and exhausting. Why do you think I've been so busy? To keep my mind
off of you. Why do you think I kissed another boy? To keep my mind off
of you. To feel pretty and desired and loved even if it was only for a
little while, because the boy I really wanted to be kissing doesn't
want to kiss me back. I'm dealing with being rejected Bud, with not
feeling good enough, along with everything else going on in my life
now I have to let this go too, it sucks and it hurts and I hate it but
Im dealing with it.

But more than anything, I do want to be in your life and I do want to
be your friend. We just need to go slow and you need to be patient
with me. I had zero intention of talking about any of that last night,
I was actually really excited to talk to you about our lives and
trying this friend thing.

Ok, I think thats all.

Except...I love you. And thats the last time Im going to say it.


Note, the boy I kissed was a pretty Brazilian at the bachelorette party. Number 2 managed to get it out of me and wasn't very happy about it...even though he's been clear he doesn't want to be with me and has told me to date other that was awesome.

ANYWAY. He never responded. Never mentioned it. Just texted me a little each day about random things since then.

To be continued...

Friday, July 23, 2010


I forgot to post these favorite pictures from Melissas bachelorette party. I just LOVE these girls. and love that they included me in the festivities. That night ended with me and a beautiful Brazilian named Julio dancing the night away. Me with a cosmo in hand. Happy as a clam trying to forget my troubles.


Some of you are aware of my LOVE for So You Think You Can Dance. Obviously. When this dance came on it felt like someone had read my heart and mind and decided to make a dance out of it and broadcast it onto national television. I know Im not the only one who can relate to it, so many of us have gone through something like this. So watch and feel your heart become exposed as much as mine did.

In other news...Ive been keeping busy with friends trying to do lots of fun things! Micah's birthday! saw Inception! beer tour and a movie at Stone! But now I'm pooped and my tummy and head are bothering me. I feel weird. Maybe its all the leftovers I've been eating...perhaps I should be more picky. or maybe it's from when I went to the dentist and they poked and prodded my poor gums until I could taste the blood I was swallowing (sorry Kelsey). The dentist said, and I quote, "so two things are happening, one: you haven't been flossing, and two: I can tell your under stress." preach it dental hygienist. Stress is my middle name. soon to be upgraded to first.

Still haven't heard from the fancy family. They are supposed to let me know Monday or Tuesday if I made it to the trial day (still would be competing against other nannies, just fewer), but now this other super cute job has come up. They want me to start Monday! Two families with a baby each, using me for a nanny share. Super nice moms and really sweet babycakes. Obviously its not as sweet as a job as the fancy job...and it pays A LOT less, and no benefits. I dont really need the benefits...but still. But the fancy job will prob be taxed and the other fam wont...arg. The new family just emailed me telling me they are going to have to try and find someone else because they need someone to start asap and I need another week before Ill hear from the fancy job. The new family totally understands and understands what I need to do, they just need someone now. So I dont know what to do. Some people are saying to just take the job I was offered and others are saying to hold out and see what happens with the fancy family. I guess if the new fam doesn't work out and the fancy fam doesn't work out...something else will come along:/ I really need a job so I can start planning my trips to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia! arg! Also:

Things Im buying When I Have Money:
-new bathing suit
-laser hair removal
-tickets to Buenos Aires and Scandinavia

Running list occurs in my brain at all times.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Now That Im Famous

I have my second interview with the fancy family on Monday at 2:20 (am I the only one who thinks thats a weird time?). But YAYYYY!!! I really want this job! Not just because they are fancy, but because I really do feel like I am a good fit for them. Its really the job I was made for and have been looking for this entire time. Im kind of overqualified for the typical nanny jobs as a credentialed teacher and all my childcare experience...but the higher end nanny jobs are perfect for me!

We've been speculating about who the family is and lets just say...I could potentially be working for a very legit famous sports industry person...I probably wont ever reveal who it is on here since that would be breaking their confidentiality, BUT Ill probably be rubbing elbows with the fancies, and maybe you'll get to hear some stories.

I've been praying like crazy to get this job, or if its not the right job to get another awesome one asap. Please pray for me too! I dont want to just take anything...I worked SO hard in school and built up my work experience so my resume would be awesome, I need it to pay off so I can move out. go to Buenos Aires and Machu Pichu. Go visit Cassie. enjoy my life.

Know what else I've been praying about? that I would get over that darn boy. I just want to stop loving him so I can be his friend. Its really hard. Especially when he calls because "he just wanted to hear my voice" and see how Im doing. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?! I get really anxious when I dont talk to him or when he calls and I dont answer. Like...REALLY anxious. Skin crawling-stomach bunching-head spinningly anxious. BUT I've been doing a healthy mix of staying super busy having fun with my friends and family, drinking, and praying every night. A lot. I have plans the next 3 days and just keep on trying to make plans every day/night.

I just keep trying to remember how unhappy I was.
you were unhappy lady. he never spent time with you. he never made time for you. he never introduced you to his friends and family. he never called you his girl friend. etc.

and yet I still love him and wish things were different. and I still secretly hope someday things WILL be different and we can be together.

until then, tonight its Melissas bachelorette party and I am going OUT with my girls!!!! Boys, you can suck it! (Until I need you as a dance partner)


Wednesday, July 14, 2010


So of course life is still an appropriate mix of suck and awesomeness. I try and ride more on the awesomeness state of mind...but somedays its hard. All of my job prospects didn't work out for one reason or another...and one of my tutoring kids peaced out for the rest of the summer so I only have one student now. I interviewed yesterday with a DREAM position, it went great, but I've gotten so discouraged from being hit over the head with attempting to job search this last MONTH that Im sure it wont work out like everything else. But Im still hoping and putting all my heart into the interviews and the entire process. When I look at the future and see myself with the job, I am SO SO SO happy! I really need to trust that God has something for me, and actually pray and ask for it.

Things with the boy are rough. Its really hard to try and be friends with someone your in love with. So I'm taking some space. Oh, and he didn't get into Notre Dame. As if it even matters anymore.

In good news! (probably should have started with that) Ive been having fun with my friends and family:) birthday parties, family PJ snuggle days, friends back in town, lalala so fun! THEN last night some of my girls and I all went up to se Kat in LA because she hooked us up with being on the series finale of The Hills MTV event! It was a ridiculous event, but we had so much fun! I dont watch the Hills and had no idea who people were, but I loved getting dressed up and hanging out with mi amigas. Plus seeing Kat was super nice because she is always so far away in LA LA Land. OH, and also...I was on TV. Yeah...thats me in the green behind Audrina...and whats her face Montag...and the rest of the show:)
The Hills: Live After Show (Season 6) | Ep. 12: "Lauren, Kristin, Audrina and the cast relive their past 'Hills' moments."
How COOL am I? Also, how God awful is that show? Jeez.

But THIS is the real reason I went:


So the job search continues. The desire to move out or go somewhere or do SOMETHING continues to escapes me.