Friday, December 18, 2009


Oh dear readers, I wish I could update you with every detail of me and Number 2's winter romance, however I just can't. Things are still complicated, but we're figuring it out. Either we will be together, or we won't. Ill let you know when I do. The more serious things have gotten between us, the less I want to share. But however things turn out between us, I will be sure to keep you in the loop!

So, instead. I want to prove you with a funny quote from the David Sedaris book I finally found time to read (reason #1007 why I love winter break), When You are Engulfed in Flames. here it is, he is referring to cigarettes and smoking, teehee:

"I may have been a Boy Scout for only two years, but the motto stuck with me forever: Be Prepared. This does not mean "Be Prepared to Ask People for Shit," but "Think Ahead and Plan Accordingly, Especially in Regard to your Vices."

ahaha totally laughed out loud. The book isnt a page turner or anything, but its pretty funny and has me laughing out loud.

Christmas is coming!
Im going to Spain on the 27th for 2 weeks!
Im done with my BA!

Now to get the boy drama under control and all will be well.


Friday, December 04, 2009

You Tell Me.

Sorry to keep you in suspense dear readers. I’m sure you’ve been checking here everyday, what happened with Number 2???!!! Your nails are probably all bitten down to nubs (oh wait, that’s me), and you’ve been popping Xanax just so you can get through the day without me. Haha.

Well. Of course, things are so complicated it hurts. Here’s the thing:

We may have accidentally fallen in love with each other. And this may be a problem.

And neither of us know what to do. There is no right or easy answer. In the beginning his moving away was just his hope or dream, and now that he is in Chicago right now interviewing with his dream school, Notre Dame, that little hope has become a reality. He wont know if he got accepted or not until around the 19th, but its looking good. And if its not there, then he’ll probably get in and attend somewhere else far away. And I’d like to move somewhere else for awhile to. Maybe teach English in Europe, or still pursue teaching in New York…I don’t know. But what do you do when you found someone so great and so fun…but its inevitably either going to die or you have to move together or something drastic like that. So what do you do?

We have some ideas, and I hate all of them. They include things like taking a break for a few weeks while I’m in Spain and figuring out if we really want to do this, because we’re going to have to really want it if we’re going to put all this work into it. Friends with benefits was mentioned, which I HATE and will never ever do with anyone. Or just being friends. Or just being nothing. Just enjoying things while it lasts and then seeing what happens in the end. I move there too (crazy that this is an option) Etc. See what I mean, every idea pretty much sucks.

And I found out he’s already done the long distance thing in 2 relationships and they both sucked. I haven’t done that before, so I don’t know how it is…which is probably why I’m more willing to go with whatever on this. There is a lot I’m leaving out with this of course. But you get the idea.

After not finding anyone worth my time in 6 YEARS, I finally found someone so great. Who treats me so well. Who I have so much fun with. Who sends me pictures of my favorite artists paintings while they’re at the museum in Chicago. Who calls me 10 times a day to tell me about everything happening in Chicago. Who drives 45min to see me at 1am because he misses me. Who has me ask them practice interview questions. Who calls me right after his interview to tell me all about it. Who makes me laugh like no one else I know. Who wishes I lived closer so we could just hang out everyday. Who can talk about the current state of the economy and then King of the Hill in the same conversation.

So what do you do?

Sometimes I’m sure this is going to be my life…not exactly, but similar. Probably without the happy ending. Arg.

Friday, November 13, 2009

And I thought that was bad.

SO. I thought last week was the worst week of my life. Boy, was I sadly mistaken. This has been such a ridiculous week that I cant help but laugh (while crying of course) as things continue to go wrong.

TO BEGIN WITH. Remember why I was so stressed out last week? Trying to get my HUGE teacher performance assessment (TPA) done along with all my other school work. It was a wretched week. It took at least 10 hours, probably more. Plus 2 seminars I had to go to for it. It was due Monday at midnight and I finished Sunday evening! yay me! But after I had spent all this time copying and pasting my answers into the little boxes (seriously took an hour), and tried to click says the form was from last year? So I had to sign up again. and re-paste everything in, again. so then when I went to hit "submit", it says I have to be approved first. I did get approved Monday, so all I had to do was log on and click submit. thats all I had to do. But who is stressed out and forgot? And even if they had remembered it wouldn't have mattered because our internet was down because the cable just happened to be getting worked on that night. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had to get a cashiers check for $85 freaking dollars and fill out a special form and take it to school and drop it off so I can submit it late. Yep, thats right. Im paying $85 to submit something late that I had done a full 24 hours before. 12 hours worth of work. yep.

So that was the beginning of my Tuesday. Panic and anger over the TPA. Great. Tuesday also happened to be the day I was supposed to hear from Teach for America. I was hoping this would make me happier. Also, sadly mistaken. Not only did I not get placed in NY, I didn't get placed ANYWHERE. I was somehow not accepted into the Teach for America program at all. Most of you know this already. It was awful. I got the email toward the end of my day teaching and had to try and keep it together for the rest of the day...then as I was finally walking to my car the tears started to fall...then as soon as I was in my car it was serious cry fest 2009. I still catch myself thinking "oh when you move to NY...oh wait..." it really sucks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't accept me. I am already a teacher!!! I already work in low socio economic schools!!! My interview day was fabulous! I just don't understand. This is why I am cynical. This is why I try not to look forward to things, because they never work out and life is just a bitch. So now I don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. and part of the reason I was so upset is because of that. It was just a lot of emotions. You plan for something and are so excited about it, and then BOOM. Nothing. Arg.

So that was my day. But don't worry. It keeps going. My week of shit. My dearest Number 2 offered to take me out that night to make me feel better, he told me to pick a movie and maybe we'll get a drink, just something casual. So I chose Couples Retreat because I just wanted to laugh and everything else looked lame or scary. So we were having a great time, laughing some, it was just getting good, WHEN THE MOVIE STOPPED WORKING. Yeah. just stopped. So they gave us free tickets for another movie and told us to wait a bit for it to come back on. 30 minutes later we were informed that it was broken for good and gave us our money back. yeah, that was my day. So we went and talked and I drank good beer and it was nice. It made me feel better just to be with him. He makes me so happy. so at least that was good.

The next day Number 2 heard from Notre Dame. he got an interview for their MBA program. Try being excited for your favorite person when you just got rejected and when it means they will potentially be moving across the country. Yeah, its pretty awesome and not at all taxing on ones emotions.

then yesterday. yesterday i sat in traffic all the way from small school to my college to drop off the freaking $85 and form. I finally get there, park, am ready to walk the long walk to the office...BUT DONT WORRY. I FORGOT THE MONEY AND FORM AT HOME. yep. this is my life.

So my heart is just exhausted. Plus, things with Number 2 are getting complicated. Things just hurt right now. But this weekend looks promising...
-last night had wine night with Melissa-so fun!
-tonight we're also getting my favorite Thai food.
-after dinner Number 2 and I might meet up for something fun.
-tomorrow I was going to visit Kelsey, but I don't think I can:( I have to go to a -museum for school and then Micah and I are going to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox (I love Wes Anderson!).
-Then Sunday morning is brothers birthday breakfast at a fancy restaurant in Del Mar with the whole family!

Things are looking up.

I'm still sad. I have still been crying every night a little. I think I just need time to be sad about everything. This sucks.

I know it will be ok. I know I will figure it out. I don't feel bad about myself. I just feel...sad.

I still love you NY.

Friday, November 06, 2009


You may not know that this has been the equivalent of my hell week. Ive been EXTREMELY stressed out all week due to a huge Teacher Performance Assessment (TPA) take home test we all have to do. Its literally at least 8 hours worth of work when I already have very little time to do homework as it is. PLUS I am taking my final CSET tomorrow and have had to find time to study for that...will be doing that today and spending the rest of the weekend trying finish the TPA, yippee:( So every night I have had to take ibprofun for these awful headaches I get from such long days and then have to try and work on the TPA or other homework. And I haven't been sleeping very much because I'm so anxious about everything I have to Im a bit of a mess.

Luckily, although very tired and still have bouts of fussiness, I am surprisingly joyful and doing ok. Normally I get pretty depressed when I get stressed out, but now this time. Could be that I take better care of myself. OR it could be because he still calls me everyday, sometimes 2-3 times to tell me funny stories or "just to hear my voice" because "he misses me". I know right, swoon. OR because I had to google the other day "what does love feel like" because sometimes I so sure Im falling in love. OR because he doesnt ever even use my name, he just calls me "beautiful", as in I pick up the phone and he always says: "hey beautiful". Yeah, who is this guy?

A 5th Date:
Number 2 and I had plans for Saturday evening late for a drink. Why was it going to be late? Oh, because his sisters are throwing a benefit concert for the hurricane victims in the Philippines and hes in charge of playing with his nieces during the event. He loves them. Its freaking PRECIOUS. But. We missed each other already. So when he texted me last night "I wanna see you" just when I was about to throw my books in the fire and call it quits on school in general, I gladly accepted his offer. I got to wear a new dress. And we went to a nice lounge type bar in La Jolla. We got to cuddle and talk a lot and it was so nice, and just what I needed. We tried to talk about "where is this going", but I think we are both still too scared to push things just yet. I'm scared of getting hurt and I think he's scared of getting his heart broken. We have issues. Who doesn't. I find out about Teach for America on November 12th, that will definitely influence things. So for now, we just know that we love spending time together. and that "I'm constantly on his mind". and that we like each other. I'm trying to let that be enough, but its hard. And I'm finding there are no right ways of going about things. There are so many options and ways I could handle us, any of them would "be fine" I just have to pick one.

Of course all of this doesn't help me sleep at night either. Oh the analyzing.

Monday, November 02, 2009


Things are good:)
I dont know what else to really write. I am happy. Despite being EXTREMELY stressed out with the amount of school work I have to do this week and over the next few weeks, he is actually the perfect glimmer of light while everything is so crazy. Except I have a hard time concentrating and focusing because I keep thinking about him and whats happening. Im trying really hard not to over analyze everything, but you know me. its really difficult. So instead I just replay all the sweet moments we have with each other and try not to dissect them. Yeah, wish me luck with that one.

Number 2 and I went shopping and had lunch together on Saturday afternoon. It was nice to spend time together, we just really like each other:)H&M didnt have anything...except I did get to replace my holey black cardigan with a new one. I dont want to throw away the old one though. its been ALL OVER THE WORLD with me! its been my partner in crime for so many years now, Europe, India, NYC, Portland, everywhere. So I might save it for the quilt im going to make. Then we went to Tiffanys, Jimmy Choos, and Bloomingdales. of course lots of cute things at Bloomingdales, of course everything was $200+. But he was so fun. and he had fun. and i didnt take forever trying things on or anything, and we just laughed and cuddled. but he was still getting over being sick so I could tell he was tired and not as silly as usual. but it was ok with me.

we still talk everyday on the phone and/or AIM. In fact, we're talking right now. I always have homework and hes always working on his grad applications, so AIM is working well for us in the evenings. But then we dont want to go to bed, so we're working on that. teehee.

one tiny little snippet to share. And you will see why I want to keep as much in my heart as possible. direct quote:
"I just adore you."

this is what Im saying. What do I do with this guy all adoring me, oh man.

Friday, October 30, 2009


I had a plan devised.
I thought I had him all figured out.
This stuff is so complicated.
I was pretty sure after the "i dont want to be in a relationship because im moving" talk, I was positive he didnt actually like me that much and just wanted someone around to sleep with on a regular basis without a commitment, and uh hello, thats so NOT me. (For the record, we havent slept together, as if that was even a question. Some of us are still classy ladies and still believe in love.) So the plan was to tell him, I think we just want different things but besides a relationship, if your willing to just hang out and have fun...and not uh, just want to get into my pants, then im ok with that too. The plan was foolproof! uh, not so much.

He got the cold thats been going around, so he's all sick in bed and cant really talk but "wanted to talk because he missed me" (I know) so we did it old school, high school version, and he made a date with me for AIM. which began at 9p and went into the wee hours of the morning. Yeah thats right, AIM. talk about classy! haha. So finally, we talked about everything on freaking AIM. and we realized it was ridiculous we were talking about something so serious on AIM, but for some reason it felt ok. And then I was able to avoid that, "im all twitterpated and cant talk" thing I get when Im around him...yeah, thats a real problem.
Things that were discussed that Im willing to share. Most of it was too sweet to share with everyone, I want to keep most of it in my heart (this is a sign?).
Some paraphrasing for your enjoyment:
"so what schools that your applying to, do you want to get into most?"
"USC & Notre Dame"
"and how come?"
"well USC because then I could make you my girlfriend, and Notre Dame to just get out of here"
"whoa. serious?"
"well, yeah. I really like you."
---After my heart stopped dancing around my rib cage, I continued with an explanation of how my life after graduation is very open and I can go anywhere and do anything I want too. How I can teach anywhere. NYC isnt a for sure thing. But even if it was, Im up for "falling in love" anyway, Im not going to hide in my room and avoid getting close to people because Im scared i might get hurt. But thats just me.


He also ensured me that if he just wanted someone to sleep with, he would have just gone to Pacific Beach (gross place in SD where all the partiers go. Its dirty and trashy, but all the college kids can be found there). and that he hasnt gotten into my pants yet, but hes still around. because he actually likes me. and is more than ok with me not being the kind of girl that sleeps with someone without being in love and in a seriously committed relationship. In fact, I think it made him like me even more.


remember how I always go into lala land around him. I also get really nervous and am pretty sure I sound stupid and ridiculous the entire time we're together even though Im trying really hard to be soooooo cool. So Ive been really concerned that he thinks im stupid, because hes really smart. One of my issues is that im constantly concerned that people think im stupid. Ive been battling it for a long time actually. I know Im not, and it makes me so angry when i sense someone thinks I am or if I think im acting silly or fun and they'll think im stupid...its weird, but we all have our issues. thats mine. SO then this happened:
"listing more things he likes about me (i know right, tough life I live here), then SMART comes up"
"really? because Im pretty sure I get all twitterpated and act like an idiot around you"
"no, no I know your smart. and your cute. and I love your heart"

that last one, MELTED ME. I DIE.

and thats all you get. There is so much more to tell, but it was just so intimate and sweet I want it all to myself. This gives you the basic idea of whats happening.

basically: we're falling for each other, and we're both scared. talk about it.

I love that I was wrong about him.

But dont worry, Im still guarding my heart. And I told him that. and "hes sorry everything's weird."

So 1am rolls around and I have to be up at 6a so he tells me to go to bed. So I do. And just as Im coming down from my float on a cloud of elation, he calls me. To say hes sorry we had to talk about everything on AIM. and that he really does think im beautiful (how is this my life). and good night.

ok men, my faith in you has been rejuvenated. Some of you may not be all that bad.

So here we are. I just keep telling myself,

"Love is the journey, not the destination"

and reminding myself not to get carried away by that dang elation cloud.


PS: enjoy these while they last, very soon they may be made super duper private. because. well. you know.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Catch Me If You Can.

So after fussing and fussing and finally coming up with a plan of action to deal with Number 2 kind of sucking, he called on Sunday afternoon because he was in Del Mar and wanted to see me later if I was free. I just so happened to be free...well, kinda ...but baking a pie and dyeing my hair can wait until Thursday (I know, I spend my time in wild and crazy ways)

We didnt do anything too exciting, just spent time together all romanticy on the beach...ok fine, it was kind of awesome. BUT somehow it came up that "what are we?" (believe it or not, I didnt bring it up) and all I remember are snippets because when Im happy I do this weird thing where I cant fully engage in whats happening around me because Im really busy dancing around in my head, uh yeah...but the snippets i remember were:
"well I dont think your going to like this...but the fact is, Im eventually moving..."
me: "im moving to!"
"exactly, your moving"
me: "I look at it like I can either have fun and enjoy myself until I maybe move, or just do nothing and maybe miss out on something awesome"
and then we decided to talk about it another time. Because I was happy and didnt want to ruin my moments, he probably got the vibe I didnt feel like discussing things. Hmm...maybe this is something I need to work on. because now I regret not finishing the conversation. I just like feeling happy. It happens so rarely nowadays (so dramatic).

anyway, all his talk would have been fine EXCEPT, wasnt HE the one talking about relationships since the second date? And wasnt HE the one calling me EVERYDAY? And wasnt HE the one talking about trips we might take together? and wasnt HE the one casually mentioning that Im possibly moving to NY and hes possibly going to school in NY so, you know...
I thought we were just casually dating until Mister "Im moving eventually" started with all this relationship stuff. Oh, I see, now its my fault.

And now I'm back in my over analytical mode trying to figure out what I want and what he wants. I keep going back and forth, back and forth about everything. I just wanted to date to have fun, but I was open to it getting serious. And I dont want to just be someones "whatever". I know I deserve more than that. And I wonder if he really liked me if he would be willing to take a risk and see where things go, but because he doesnt actually like me that much he just wants to keep me in the "whatever" category. Once again, Im debating whether or not to add this one to the "oh man, shes hot and I just want to get into her pants" pile of past gentleman. Man that pile is large. I really wish I had faith in the male species, but you fail me time and time again gentleman. Time and time again.

Through all of these adventures, I am realizing something very significant here: Ladies and gentleman, I am a catch.
There, I said it. And the more I think about it, the more I realize its true. Lets see, according to the many people I have met in my life I am what you would call "beautiful". I am well educated and intelligent. I come from a good family. I am well traveled. I am very friendly and outgoing and fun. I am honest, I dont drink too much or do drugs, I am extremely compassionate and loving. I am not crazy (debateable, I know).
SO um hello, a freaking catch.

So no Number 2, if you want to keep me in your whatever file, Im opting out. Either we are just dating and just casually having fun, or we are in a relationship (or on the way there). You dont get to have the best of both worlds and you dont get to treat me like Im not worth your time. Because Im a catch. Im the girl you take home to meet your parents. The one you tell all your friends about. The one you rearrange your schedule for. The one you actually plan dates for and take out. Thats the girl I am, the catch.

Ok, but seriously none of that helps because I still dont know what to do now. Ive prepared several speeches while driving in my car today, none of them were very good and all of them required me to be extremely engaged while with him which is pretty difficult when i go off into happy land the entire time. Ugh, I suck at this, I dont want to date anymore. Im not good at it and I just end up more stressed out than I already am which I didnt know was possible.

Someone just buy me a ticket and lets go to NY for a long weekend. We'll forget all our troubles and remember our souls. Ill take you to the MET and MOMA and shopping in SoHo and we'll flirt with beautiful men and go see amazing shows and wear all the winter clothes we never get to walking through the park. Ready? Lets go.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Frustrated Limbo

This is me frustrated.
So Number 2 was doing SO WELL and now hes got me all fussy and frustrated and Im questioning whether or not hes worth my time or getting frustrated over. As you may recall, the last time we saw each other was the 10th for a lame but nice study date -went really great. Then he told me he had to fall off the face of the planet until his GMAT on the 20th and I got sick so we've just been talking on the phone. He calls me almost everyday still, and its super nice. We have good conversation. Things are going well. Now his GMAT is over! yay! Now we can hang out, right?
I told him on Tuesday during our long "we're done with the GMAT and Teach for America Interview! yay!" conversation, Im free Thursday and Saturday. He calls but Im unable to pick up on Wednesday, call him back later and nada. Dont hear from him Thursday (so I guess we arent hanging out then?). and Now its Friday and he calls to talk and when I ask him about this weekend, he says he cant. Hes just really busy with his friend whose leaving the country and all his graduate application essays which are due in the next few weeks blah blah blah.
So now what.
I have no idea what we are because we arent actually dating because we dont actually go on dates. Honestly, I have a very vague recollection of what he even looks like because Ive only seen him twice and it was so long ago. I told him Im frustrated because this isnt how I date boys...uhhhh normally we go on dates? And he says hes sorry and its not me...blah blah blah. I dont know how to communicate how I feel without seeming whiney or like things are more serious than they are. I thought after the GMAT everything would be normal and we could just date like normal people, I thought it was just a little bump in the road and was really patient and supportive. Now I feel like Im just his "oh, im driving home from work and would really like to talk to a nice girl" girl. And im not dating other people because I realized it bothers him and I really do like this one...and it feels weird to date other people actually. But apparently we arent anything. I thought we were on the verge of something. He mentioned having a DTR even (determine the relationship talk), but I asked him to wait until we were actually present together.

This is just all so weird. Im trying to understand from his perspective, but im so frustrated and angry Im not ready for that yet. Honestly, I dont feel valued. I feel like hes not willing to spare me any time or make plans to spend with me. That everything else is more important. He tells me how much he likes me (not weird outright like that, but still), but I dont feel like hes showing it. But is he showing it, because he calls me all the time? And I know Im not a crazy person here, normal people go on on consecutive weekends or during the week. You cant even spare me lunch? nothing?

While before I was calling us "verge"...because we were on the verge of we're just "limbo" because we are in this awful state of limbo where we are kinda dating but kinda arent and talk enough to be in a relationship but arent and its just limbo.

Ok, I need to go bake now. ARG.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

One of the more interesting days of my life

WELL today was the teach for America full day interview here in LA.
First it should be mentioned that since driving up here and being here
I've been singing the line "Im in LA, trick." in my head. I've heard
the song like twice and don't even like that kind of music but it's
just stuck. And it makes me giggle.

Ok, now on to more important things. Important events from today:
1) enjoyed LA (trick) traffic this morning from Kathleen to the
interview location which was apparently in Korea town. Oh I just loved
it. All the signs were in another language and everyone drove really
well there! Ugh. But it was fun kinda.

2) everyone taught their lessons, then we had a group challenge thing
to work through, then we had a few writing prompts to answer, then we
had a problem solving packet. It was a doozy of a morning. I did well
at everything I think. Lots of ages and ethnicities in my group which
was sweet.

3) had like 3 hours in between the morning session and my interview.
Drove up to wilshire for some subway. While eating, a scrubby but
kinda cute just not my type black man hit on me. He asked me how I was
and what I was reading, etc. Just when you think he's just being
nice...he left before me and I finished what I was doing before
heading out too get back to the interview. As I was leaving he's
waiting outside subway and yells to me as I'm walking away "girrrrl,
your fierce!" and includes a snap just for flava. Yes I know.
Highlight of my day. He proceeds: "I was hoping you would be leaving
soon after me"
"yeah well, I've gotta go"
"where r u going?"
"I'm up here for a job interview actually"
"oh yeah? Where?"
"well it wouldn't b here..blah blah blah"
"oh well, I was gonna ask for your number but it your not staying here
"aww yeah, sorry"

And I couldn't help but ask myself, how can it be that I've been in LA
less than 24 hours and a boy already asked for my number but I've
lived in san Diego all my life and can't get a date unless it's from
online. How is this my life?! Haha

4) SO THEN driving back to the interview site the car in front of me
stopped suddenly, and I tried to stop in time but i just tapped her
car. I couldn't even back up because the car behind me was super close
too because it happened so fast. I BARELY touched her car so I didn't
even get out and just asked her if it's ok and she said no so we pull
over. NO dents. Nothing but a little scrape and some on my paint on
the bottom of the bumper. But she got all fussy and wanted my info. Uh
hello, that's what bumpers r for u crazy. Glad it wasn't more serious
I guess.

5) one on one interview went well. But i was so tired from such a long
day my mind kept blanking. But I pulled it together and did well I

6) just waiting here at starbucks for Kathleen to get off work and
take me to dinner and just got hit on again by the cute black Batista.
Today the black men LOVE me. Must be the dress.

So that was my day. My ass hurts from sitting on hard chairs allllll
day. My mind is too tired o read the school book I brought. So here I

Also note, I've been going through this weird food phase lately. Every
once in awhile ALL food grosses me out EXCEPT veggie sandwiches, and
bean/rice/lettuce/guacamole burritos. I seriously would rather not eat
than eat anything besides those two things. And it's always those two
things. It happens every few months. I call it my "I'm 5 years old"
phase because I'm so picky and fussy, haha. Maybe it happens when I'm
stressed out and don't have an appetite except for comfort foods...hmm
I dunno. But it really does happen all the time. Such a freak.

Ok I'm go back and flirt with this cute Batista. And ten go buy
thisdress in every color, jeez!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

For the Record

Number 2 has called me every night since our date when I told him it
was certainly NOT ok that I didn't hear from him at all until after
his test. (ladies, boys ALWAYS have time to call or send a lil text.
Otherwise, do I have to say it? He's Just Not That Into You.)

And we talk for like 20-30 minutes and just laugh and it's so fun.
He makes me really happy.

This is seriously SO weird for me. Is this really me writing this? Me?
The girl whose been single since high school? (yeah, 6 years. I know).
The girl whose afraid of getting hurt so she doesn't let herself like
boys? The girl who was pretty sure she was going to be alone forever?

Yeah, that girl. She may like a boy who likes her back.

SO I think I might begin to officially let myself like this one. Hmm
on second thought, I'm going to wait for a few more dates. And the
extra weird thing is, i'm becoming less and less afraid of being hurt
and more and more excited to experience a part of life I've been
neglecting, romance. Even if it hurts. I think it might just be part
of the process.

ALSO I think I'm dying. I can't stop coughing, my throat is killing
me, and my body hurts like whoa. BUT I got to hear Number 2 be worried
about me and sad because that means we prob can't go out Thursday.
Also, his idea to go out Thursday after "he was going to fall off the
face of the planet". My charms changed his mind apparently.

Good things.
So far.
This is weird.
Are we still sure this is me writing this?


Sunday, October 11, 2009

More Birthdays and Dates, oh my!

I cant even believe my life right now. As in, writing and seeing this in actual font is going to be SO strange for me. But here goes.

Friday night was girls night out for my birthday! Some highlights for your enjoyment:
-Stayed in Cammies beautiful hotel downtown, he got us into the Hard Rock for drinks and dancing. So nice!
-I made one of the more beautiful men Ive ever seen in my life dance with me after he started flirting with me first (so ha), but then he peaced out and I found him dancing with some other girl later...haha. Reasons why the pretty ones are always jerk faces, right?
-my favorite part was when I kept trying to do booty drops with my friends, but was so DONE I kept falling over EVERY time. But then id just try again...and again...oh yes, I was THAT girl.
-random not really that cute asian man fell in love with me. I vaguely recall this, but there are pictures to prove it. Once again, yes, I was THAT girl.
-I couldnt walk home (again, THAT girl), so Annie got me a cab back to the hotel. Apparently I kept trying to talk to our JAMAICAN cab driver in Spanish. And he gave me a rose for my birthday which I found in my bag in the morning.
-Annie changed me, put me to bed, got me a trash can and went back out to meet Jordan and Kelsey to party until the bars closed. haha.
-SO SICK all night, morning, and next day. Just as I said last year on my birthday, "I will never drink again"
-Apparently Kelsey and Jordan were sick too, so heres Annie (annie? your crazy friend annie? the one you took care of in Vegas? YEP, that one:) running all around the hotel changing us and giving us trash cans...I cant even imagine, too freaking hilarious.
-dont worry, threw up in the car on the way back home the next late morning too. Seriously, DONE.

So those are some highlights. I still cant believe it all really happened since I dont drink that much usually and us girls dont get to even go out that often and that ANNIE was our caregiver. Oh man Oh man. I cant do this crap anymore, im getting too old;)

SO THEN. I had a date with Number 2 in the evening. I couldnt even move without feeling sick (seriously, THAT girl), and hes all stressed with his big GMAT coming up so he asked if we could move our date to another time. Obviously, more than fine. BUT we both kind of missed each other, and after talking on the phone awhile wanted to see each I made him come up here and we did something lame but relaxing and kind of nice together. We studied. yep. Went to Starbucks/B&N and attempted to study even though we really just wanted to be with each other. But I got some homework done, and he did too surprisingly. But he kept getting distracted with "how beautiful I am", haha, hes such a charmer. Then we went to the beach and "hung out" before I made it home by 8. I still really wasnt feeling good, but being with him made me forget about how I still felt like throwing up every minute (cute, right). So things with Number 2 are interesting. Its kind of freaking me out that we have such a connection on only the second date. We really just click. And he said it best, "I really enjoy spending time with you...its just so easy...". That really says it all. Its just effortless and easy. We are really comfortable with each other. But he keeps talking about future plans as if we were going to be a couple...and however sweet that is, its still only the second date. Shouldnt that weird me out? Or should I just go with whatever. But heres the thing about going with whatever, either you end up getting hurt or you end up having to numb yourself to emotion and I dont want that either. Maybe I just need to tell him I need to take it slow. Plus, I still keep thinking hes just being all nice and charming to get into my pants. He keeps trying to convince me otherwise, but I have zero trust in the male species for this stuff...but then I dont know if Im being too crazy and need to give him a chance. Gosh, this stuff is difficult. No wonder I avoided dating for so long. But, I guess its life. Have to learn how to live it somehow.

He prepared me for him to fall off the face of the planet for 10 days. His GMAT is the same day as my Teach for America interview, how crazy is that?! So hes studying like a mad man, which is fine. I actually have zero time this week to hang out anyway, bestie is coming to town!!! But I did tell him he should at least call me or something so I know hes not dead, and because its polite and I dont put up with that crap (I didnt use those words though, haha). So we'll see how he does.

Tonight is my final birthday celebration! Out to dinner with the family to Ki's! Im excited to see my aunt and uncle and little lukey and sammy pop. Plus brother is coming! Plus, they have vegan food there! Yayyyyyy!

I think even though Im potentially leaving next fall, I want to fall in love. I miss love. Its been a long time.

Ok, thats all.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009


Birthday was FABULOUS! Yesterday I turned 24 (SO OLD!).
I know its not technically "old" but I just FEEL old.
Like, where has the time gone?! so crazy!
so OBVIOUSLY Bianca, Danielle, and Alyssa escorted me to Disneyland for the day! And OBVIOUSLY Bianca and Danielle made us each a tutu to wear all day! And OBVIOUSLY we all wore Micky ears and had such a great time!
Highlights include:
-literally, DANCING IN THE PARADE!!!
-literally, doing magic tricks at a table with just us, creepy magician, and WOODY from toystory!
-getting one of each dessert from the Blue Bayou, Id never been!
-using our wait in line time as photoshoot 2009 time
-making friends with EVERYONE because they all loved our little tutus
-having everyone wish me happy birthday all day at the park:)
-laughing so much all day it was OOC! (out of control. get used to it)
-everyone being SO tired from such a long day, but kept playing around in the park because we were having fun and didnt want to leave/were delirious.
-Danielle getting a speeding ticket on the way home because we were all laughing and not paying attention:(

Hopefully your our friends on Facebook, because we have lots more pictures on there! and by lots, I of course mean a ridiculous amount.

birthDAY I heard from Americorp Teach for America letting me know I have made it to the final interview!!! It will be in LA on October 20th!!! I get to stay with Kathleen the night before and the night after the interview so Im extra excited! Such great birthday news!

guess who called on my birthday? NUMBER 2. yeah, thats right. Number 2! He called to wish me happy birthday! (I couldnt believe he remembered, because I only off hand mentioned it once...I think...) and to ask me out again of course. We're on for Saturday as of right now. I dont know what we're going to do yet. But Ill keep you updated, dont worry.

One called. He left a message, but I dont have his number. So I think Im just not going to call him back. I felt bad for like 5 seconds, but then it passed, haha. But if he calls again Ill talk to him and tell him something...but if not, then sweet. He called also to wish me happy birthday, which was so sweet.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Number 2 Gets a Promotion.

Date with Number 2 on Friday. (Although he will continue to be referred to as Number 2, he really deserves a promotion if his name was in fact based on rank. Which it wasnt, but still.)

To begin with, I debated about even writing a blog about Number 2 because things went so well (whoa). And because our time together was so effortless and fun, I cant even remember enough specific details to write about the things I normally do. Its as if, my brain finally relaxed and forgot to take notes. Looking back, I kind of felt like Sookie when she meets Bill in True Blood and cant read his mind and how relaxing that was for her. Or when Edward meets Bella in Twilight and the exact same thing happens. Not that Im not a nerd for vampire fiction or anything, whatever. But seriously, it was like that. Sooooo in light of all that, I'll try and give you some facts and leave out the details, because for the first time, they feel personal.

1) Movie in the park got canceled because of the random rain yesterday. BTW how weird/awesome was that? So we went to Sbicca in Del Mar, which is a new favorite of mine since whats-his-name took me there. Neither of us were hungry so we decided "to just get drunk instead" (laugh), which didnt happen because I am a lady so dont worry. Afterwards, we walked over to the beach area which was all sunsetty and romantic and we just "hung out" over there for a little while. Then we went to see the Invention of Lying which was hilarious but not what I expected and a perfect first date movie. Plus, during this time I found out he does in fact watch Arrested Development so that sealed the deal right there, haha.

2) We're both leaving around the same time! Which is amazing! Hes currently applying to fancy grad schools to get his MBA so he'll be most likely moving somewhere on the east coast. And hopefully this whole NYC teaching thing works out for me. For normal people this wouldnt be something they are into, but I was excited about it and I think he was too. Now we can have fun and see where things go without there being a ton of pressure. I mean, I know it will be horrible to leave anyone, but its part of life. Im not going to just be single and alone because I might be moving eventually. What would I be missing out on? This is the only life I get to live here. Have to live it.

3) We just get along really well. Hes super funny and sarcastic, and we just bantered and joked around with each other about everything all night. But we also had intelligent conversations about moving and traveling and such. Dont want to bring up politics or religion on the first date, then we'll really see whose intelligent (besides me, obviously). And I think we just may like some of the same kind of music (I KNOW). At least he knew who my favorite musicians even were, which is kind of a big deal. OH I just remembered something else, he asked me what my favorite museums were (nice question there amigo- 2 points!) and actually knew what they were and had been to most of them. Even the ones abroad. Probably because he spent 3 months backpacking Europe a couple years ago, whatever. And his friends all take turns planning trips each year, this year is his turn and they're going to South America. Whatevs.

4) He kept telling me nice things about myself (10 points?!). Unfortunately, Ive been having to immune myself from compliments from boys, and he was no exception. I love them of course, but Ive had to teach myself not to turn into their play-doh just because they called me beautiful...again. Which isnt hard to turn off since I get them so often now (Oh I know, tough life). And I have to be a little cynical here, because how often do they really mean it and how often do they just want to get lucky because they're pretty sure all girls have low self esteem? But he had some new more specific compliments I hadnt heard yet, so that was encouraging. Oh man, Im so jaded. jjj jaded.

5) This time, more than half way through the date, I realized I hadnt thought about whats-his-name ONCE. Number 2 is so much sweeter and more fun than whats-his-name he didnt even cross my mind. In fact, I didnt think about much of anything else the entire date. It was that "only two in the room" syndrome, and I liked it.

6) Major points scored when he called me on the way home to make sure I got home safely and to tell me how lovely everything was...although I dont think he used the word lovely, haha. Then he texted me the next day because "I should be studying but all I can do is think about you. Its all your fault!". So there you go. There's your detail.

Of course he said he wanted to take me out again, so now I just endure the dreaded wait for "the call".

TUESDAY=BIRTHDAY!!! Disneyland! Dancing with Girls! Dinner with family! Oh my! Cant wait!!! Not all on the same day, dont worry. I like to prolong the celebration of myself for as long as possible, obviously.

Friday, October 02, 2009

One Date Gone Wrong

And the adventures of online dating continue.

Well, as you know, I had a date with One last night. We were to get a delicious vegan dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then mini golfing...which I was less than thrilled about, but whatever I didnt want to plan anything so I got stuck with what he planned, fine.

To begin with. I was just not attracted to him. I like my fair share of burly guys, but he was just plain overweight. And didnt even have a nice face on him to help seal the deal. nada. Plus, his personality was SERIOUSLY lagging. He was a quiet introverted type of guy while Im...well...not. And, our conversation was rough. I can talk until the cows come home but Id rather not, Id rather have a guy who can carry a conversation and ask me questions and give good answers know, be normal. And my favorite part, was the details about his life. Lets see...unemployed, but applying for the Peace Corp (for a year from now, alright!), lives with his grandparents where he spends his days taking care of them because his grandma is going blind and is losing her hearing. I mean, thats super sweet and everything but COME ON. How are you expecting to get a girl if you dont have a job and live with your grandparents?! I just wouldnt even date until you had that crap together!

The other amazing part was how awkward he was about everything...I dont think hed been on many dates (obvi). He was hesitant to talk to any of the wait staff, I had to ask him to pick a wine and even then he just chose the one with the big picture on the menu because it was on sale and he didnt really know about wine, he didnt refill my glass when it was empty (but dont worry, he did tell me it was ok if I wanted more and to go ahead and pour some for myself), it was just weird. and you know what the worst part was? the very worst part? I missed whats-his-name. I know, I said it. But its true. I kept thinking about him everytime this guy sucked at being a good date. Whats-his-name was always SO polite and knew how to take a girl out. He had a nice car, a fancy job, his own place, nice family. And we always had the best conversations and greatest chemistry. He always refilled my glass. And let me go first. And talked to the waitstaff. Nevermind that Im 80% sure he just wanted to get into my pants and has been a jerk these last few weeks (probably because he hasnt gotten into my pants, obviously). So that was weird for me. I realized halfway through the date how my mind was on whats-his-name and it freaked me out. I mean, hello, he hasnt been a good guy. Im still really annoyed by his recent behavior. So that was interesting.

(AND for the record, Im not super shallow and only care about a guy having money. I mean, if I met a guy I had a great time with who didnt have those things Id be ok with it. In fact, theres a boy I still have a crush on who isnt wealthy and it doesnt matter to me. But I do require them having a job and hopefully not living at home...or in squalor. And thats really not too much for a girl to ask for. So rethink your comment about how Im a gold digger or shallow or whatever it was you were going to write, thanks.)

Anyway. Everything was so weird and kind of awful, that I just decided half way through the date to be my own date and have a good time as well as I could with myself. haha. So I drank some wine. Ate some good food. Talked as much as I wanted. Was all giddy playing around the mini golfing place. And at the end of the night Id had a good time...just not with him. haha.

All in all it was a good experience. I learned:
-A girl always needs to have an escape plan (I was out by 9, not too bad).

-Dont date younger guys (I already knew this, but I decided to experiment. Experiment gone wrong).

-If everything is lonely you can be your own best friend! (a favorite line from a Bright Eyes song that seems to fit the bill).

-Dont be afraid to be "mean" and peace out after dinner with your made up excuse. And when they ask if they can call and take you out again...dont say "maybe". Because now I have to deal with that. ugh.

Tonight, Im actually looking forward to the date with Number 2. We've spoken on the phone and he seems normal. But really im more excited to go see the movie in the park since no one else would have gone with me. So if everything is lonely again, I can be my own best friend.

I just really wish whats-his-name wasnt a jerkface. Things would be so much easier. Well, not really, but in theory they would be. That doesnt really make sense does it. Wine does this weird thing to me where it relaxes me but then I cant Im tired. and a little delirious from a long busy week.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Oh Whats-his-name, you slay me. strike three!

Remember how whats-his-name fell off the face of the planet for...2.5 weeks now? Remember how it was because "he was busy with work" and "had the flu?"

Well, lets have a little snippet into our FINAL conversation (via text) in a little episode I like to call,
"A Jerkface? Or not a Jerkface? That is the question."

Set the scene: After I got his long message on Saturday about how sick he was and sorry for not calling FOR TWO WEEKS I decided to call him back Sunday evening. Left a normal person voicemail. Didnt hear back. I decided Tuesday night would be a good time to check in and see how he was and if he was worth my time.

Me: Are you dead? Did you die of swine flu?!

Whats-his-name: Dude, why u keep saying im dead? this's like the fourth time ur telling me that

Me: uhhhh because you had the flu and Im asking how your doing. nm I wont bother you again, jeez!

Whats-his-name: yea, usually people say "how are you feeling?" not if im dead

Me: well I guess im not usual people then.

I KNOW RIGHT. Stop me anytime if im overreacting...BUT There were no words. I was literally speechless at his reply. There were so many emotions...anger, annoyance, sadness, confusion...I may have teared up a little upon the first reading. I mean, my stomach jumped into my throat at how incredibly rude and WEIRD his reply was. Granted, I did ask him if he was dead 2 weekends ago when I hadnt heard from him all weekend...even though we were supposed to have plans. And, my texts werent super star but its something I would ask any friend if they were sick, its just a fun way to ask how they're doing, right? Seriously, this guy is so freaking weird. I mean, WHO SAYS THAT?! Especially to a girl they supposedly like? so rude.
So that was his last strike.
hes donzo.
Even if I am overreacting, then apparently we dont communicate well and Im over it. I cant believe how angry I am about it.

Thoughts racing through my mind...
"is he SERIOUSLY talking to ME that way? Are you kidding? Who do you think you are? Why would I want to date you when you just made me feel bad about myself? What is wrong with you? How dare you speak to someone like that? Am I overreacting? uhhhh no, if any guy makes you feel bad about yourself then hes so not worth your time. Dating is supposed to be fun. dating is supposed to be fun. dating is supposed to be fun..."

so yeah, file that away in the weirdos folder.

so now when he calls, mamas gotta SHUT IT DOWN. thats right. DOWN.
and he'll call, dont you worry, they always call. ahaha

In other "dating" news, besides the Thursday date with One I now officially have a date with Number 2 for Friday. I convinced him to drive up here so we can go to a free movie in the park that Ive wanted to go to all month. We will be seeing Four Frightened People. I plan and drinking all the wine and making out like all my other dates!

Joking people. that was a joke. Please dont leave me comments about how Im a whore. I know already, thanks.

Ive just made an executive decision to start tagging my entries. Mostly because I love the nicknames for my dates so much that I want to tag the entries about them.

oh, Numero Tres emailed me with the subject titled "Hello Emily". Poor Numero Tres, he never even had a chance.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Oh, The Times They Are A Changing...

Some things are just weird.

Like, whats-his-name barely contacting me for like 2 weeks (see previous posts about our 3 dates over the last few weeks) then to find a voicemail from him on my phone last night, "so sorry, I've been super sick with the flu all week and have been missing work and its just been really awful..."

uhhhhh now what.

THEN One plans to take me out on Thursday. He picked a restaurant with vegan food which was cute, BUT THEN. BUT THEN. BUT THEN. we're going mini golfing. IF YOU KNOW ME AT ALL, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GAMES IN GENERAL. LET ALONE MINI GOLFING.

uhhhhh now what.

Phone interview for Teach for America.

Good. I think I did really well and knew what I was talking was actually a lot easier then I thought it would be. I think practically being a teacher already helps...a lot. The final in-person day long interviews are between October 19-23, I sign up for a day. I find out if I made it to the final interview on October 6, my birthday! The day long interview is what Im dreading. Not because it will be difficult, but because it will be boring...haha. Also, I just read about the summer institute Ill have to do if I make it. 6 weeks of intensive teacher training and then teaching summer school for 2 hours in the evening. kill me now. I already am SO SICK of my teaching program, i dont know if after I graduate Im going to be down to spend 6 weeks doing it all over again.
PS thanks to everyone who asked how it went! Your all so stinkin cute, i love it. And I know you all secretly dont even want me to really leave you, so its extra sweet:)

So far the plans are weird and slim and everythings been crazy and its frustrating. But I have 2 for sure AMAZING adventures planned and am thrilled about them. BirthDAY me and my best girlies from school are putting our passes to good use and going to disneyland!!!
1) you know how much I <3 disneyland.
2) birthdays at disneyland should be a law.
3) i have a pass for I get $70 disney dollars to spend instead of getting in for free!!! My plan is to all get Mickey Ears to be adorable for the day and I want to spend my dollars eating at the Blue Bayou which Ive never gotten to do before and I get to wear a "its my birthday!" pin and get lots of attention. And you all know how much I love attention, haha.
THEN me and my original best girls are going downtown on Friday to dance it up real good. Cammie hooked us up with a sweet hotel room at his work. Ive never officially gone dancing downtown, I dont know if ill like it since im more of a north park kind of girl...but who cares, its my birthday+drinking+favorite girls+getting dressed up+music+dancing= GOOD.

I have other friends I want to celebrate with too, but I dont like forcing them to take me out to celebrate for my birthday. haha. So dear ones, its all in your hands. Call me and ask to do fun things with me.


oh god, what am I supposed to do about that.
More importantly, what am I supposed to wear to this soiree? What does one wear mini golfing? Normally I get dressed up for dates, do I have to wear pants now? But I hate pants. And what if whats-his-name calls? pants and golf and boys?! this is all too much for a girl to bare.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Can I PLEASE be her for halloween?! Think I can pull if off? Its between the two...


Last year I was Holly Golightly and I havent dressed up otherwise. Its time to get serious people. Wont look this good forever, hahaha

Stories from the 5th Grade

Today the kids were being suuuuuper funny. I kept just stopping and laughing at them, they are just so hilarious sometimes!

1) The teacher was reading aloud a story and every once in awhile stopping to make sure they understand words or ideas:
Teacher: so guys, whats a "social life"?
Student: DATING! (laughter ensues)
Teacher: what?! a social life isnt dating!
Student: yes it is!
Teacher: Your in 5th grade! You dont even know what dating is! (giggling...)
Student: yes we do!

2) Just normally transitioning between activities, when there is a calamity in between tables!:
Teacher: whats going on?!
Student: its Charlie!
Teacher: what?
Other Student: its the bug!
Teacher: you guys named the bug?
Another Student: ahhh dont step on Charlie!
Teacher: can someone please just take the bug outside.
All Students: awwwwww

I was on the other part of the room so I didnt exactly know what was going on and had to ask a student:
Me: whats going on?
Student: its just Charlie
Me: what?
Student: charlie the pincher bug. (as if it was SO obvious)

They are super fun and sweet sometimes. But seriously, 5th graders can be quite the little stinkers. Today was the first day I realized I actually really like each of them. Its been almost a month. It took me that long, haha.

Wine date tonight with Number 2? But not before a nap. Those stinkers know how to wear a girl out.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not Crazy Anymore.

New boys want to date me! hooray!
To begin with:
So whats-his-face never called all weekend. I was somewhat concerned since its very unlike him not to call when he says he will...and lets face it, I was somewhat annoyed. so I texted him to make sure he wasnt dead and sure enough he had to go out of town for work. You couldnt have told me? Very rude. I didnt say that to him of course. But I thought it...lots. But he said hed call me this week, so Im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Well, its Wednesday. Which still gives him a few days, but I'm not counting on it. and after a day or two of being bummed and anxious about it, I'm fine now. Just all of a sudden I was fine yesterday and didnt care if he ever called again. So there you go.

And always, just when I think Ive gotten used to things as they are things change again. Yesterday after I was all fine, 3 more boys asked to take me out. Yes, thats right. three. And not just random weird ones, they asked too but I dont count them, actual legit young men.
Well, kinda.
One is 2 years younger then me and just graduated and is unemployed, gross. But after I told him those were my reasons for not going out with him (just a weird thing I have...must not be younger or cant not have a strange isnt it;) he wrote me this long thing where I was convinced that at least we'd have a nice evening together and Id get a free dinner out of it, haha. So yeah. He'll be calling. I promise Ill be nice.

Number 2 gentlemen actually has a real job and from what I know about him, he reminds me of whats-his-name. Same kind of job with investment banking or something and similar life aspirations. He was nice and again, not my type, but not unattractive either so Im going to let him take me out. We have a wine date for tomorrow evening. I still dont have a lot of expectations for it being either good or bad...but it could still be fun. I didnt make it shopping the other day, now I HAVE to go! yay!

Finally numero tres is some beautiful actor man from Glendale who talked to me for like an hour and was SO nice and we had such a lovely conversation! He asked for my number but I doubt anything will happen. He just lives so far away. But it was still fun to have someone interested in me. Thats always nice for us single girls. we need attention too.

So thats my update for the day. Ill keep you all posted on how things go with number 2 and if anything happens with One or Numero Tres. And yes, those shall be there names now. Number 2 keeps reminding me of this guy:
Who isnt even the real Number 2 from AP, but I just keep thinking of him. Remember when he kept dying and it wouldnt work out? ahaha Oh man, mike myers and will ferrell together are like my dream team.

The real Number 2. Hopefully mine wont have an eye patch. Or be a million years old.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


I'm tired of writing about my boy woes. However, today is the first day where i feel like its not consuming my thoughts entirely. So instead of whining about how boys suck and im going to die alone, Im going to discuss (probably whine) about other things.

But just really quick. We have this awesome conversation on wednesday, right? Then he texts me and we talk throughout the week and I get a...ill call u when the weekend gets closer so we can make plans...and everythings great. UNTIL the weekend comes and nothing. nada. zip. Just as I was beginning to maybe trust this guy a teeny tiny bit, he pulls this crap. And honestly, i dont care THAT much. Im just more annoyed than anything else. And extra frustrated that now I have to deal with THIS. He said that he was a gentleman and always calls even if its to tell a girl he thinks they should just be friends. His record has been perfect so far. SO i can only expect hes going to call and either give me the "lets just be friends" speech OR I have to give him the "your rude and wasted my time this weekend and may not call me again, ass." NEITHER is appealing to me at the moment. plus, seeing your extremely ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend over the weekend while all this crap is going down doesnt exactly boost a girls self esteem. and now I feel bad about myself. awesome. Glad the weekend is over so I can get back to being busy...and awesome.

in other news. in regards to feeling bad about myself, Ive been thinking more about moving to NYC. I have my phone interview for the program THIS WEEK. Ill find out if I made it to the final interview at the end of the month, and final interview is at the end of October. But suddenly I dont feel "cool" enough to move to NY. And how will I make friends if I teach children all day? I dont know any cool restaurants and I dont know if I want to fit into the Brooklyn crowd or the uptown crowd...decisions decisions. Then again, beautiful men wanted to befriend me literally on every corner and its so different there...they just strike up conversation with you and then your going out later for drinks. Its crazy. Not like here. SO different. Its like NY is one big party where everyone you meet was invited so you already have that in common. What if I get depressed from constant dreary rain all the time? What do i do with Worms?
I guess moving is always scary. Moving to NY is always scary. I just want to go. Im going to go. Ill figure it out. Im still going. And if it sucks Ill just fly across the pond to Paris and remember where I can find my soul whenever necessary. Or just fly to visit Cassie and REALLY remember who I am. Oh, I do miss her.

Lets face it. Ill never be as "cool" as her.

Im going shopping. Whenever I feel bad about myself I go shopping to remember how awesome I am. I am a very good shopper. And do not deny myself the high one gets from buying something 75% off, I just use it wisely.

Im also going to bake a pie. A vegan peanut butter pie and you cant stop me. Also, to remind myself how awesome I am. Shit, I can shop and bake and care for large groups of children, Im like a professional 1950's housewife over here. Now wheres my vodka and Valium;)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Still a Crazy Person

Oh the boy. Oh me the crazy person. Oh what a long week. Oh my dramatic heart.

SO basically, without getting too much into it (despite what you may think I DO realize this is a public blog;). We went out for drinks on Monday and had a nice time...besides the fact that he smelled, haha, i forgot to tell some of you that, haha. I know he had gone to the gym so maybe he just stunk from that...but it was just sweaty man smell which I dont mind tooooo much. Plus, I smelled like Marc Jacobs Daisy so I made up for both of us. it was funny though. I didnt tell him so, dont worry.

ANYWAY, so we were having a nice time and he invited me over again for our next date on the upcoming weekend...again, I refused. and again he questioned me as to why I refused. After a bit of an awkward debacle about how "Im not that kind of girl", and hes somewhat confused, it was time to go so he walked me to my car and gave me a weird peck of a kiss and that was it. SO I assume thats it. I never expected to hear from him again.

Based on my experiences with men (limited, but still existent) once they realize Im not sleeping with them on the first few dates, they're over it. Mostly because women are whores nowadays and they can just find someone else. Also, its NORMAL for me to think that when hes inviting me over to his house, thats what he means, RIGHT? im not totally insane here. So I was all frustrated with men and women in general and questioning my classy way of doing things (SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I EITHER HAVE TO BE A SLUT OR AN OVERLY PRUDE CHRISTIANY WERIDO?! THOSE ARE MY OPTIONS?!?!?!). I was just sad and reminded about being alone, and feeling like a crazy person, etc.

BUT (and its a big but), just as I was over it and wasnt worrying about it anymore by wednesday, HE CALLS.

yeah. seriously.

and acts like nothing is wrong. but im super surprised so he asks me why and we get into it. He explains that when he invites me over, he is really just inviting me over and ISNT insinuating anything and isnt a gross guy who likes slutty girls anyway. He keeps telling me hes a good guy, he doesnt treat girls like that. and I keep telling him that based on my experiences im just trying to be cautious. and that I dont have to trust him yet after 3 dates. so we keep talking and even more surprising the conversation ends nicely. he texts me later that day because hes thinking of me. he likes me. he just may be a real gentleman. I just may have watched too many Lifetime movies or Law and Order SVU and may be a little crazy. we're going out again this weekend.

the end.

lesson learned: dont be a crazy.

PS: Thanks everyone for all your comments. They are always so helpful and sweet. Love you all!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I'm a crazy person.

He said he'd call and he always does so I wasn't worried all day. But
then it got to be evening and I started to panic. Reviewed the entire
date trying to figure out what I could have overlooked as not good,
sat in bed for 20min feeling sorry for myself, planned a clever text
to send him if no call by 9, and then as soon as I had written him off
and regained my self confidence as an amazing woman...he called.

Were going to have drinks tomorrow night. (trying to avoid his house
like the plague.)

I'm a crazy person.

The Dinner Date

Luckily I got rid of the rents so he could pick me up without having to meet them...i mean, I think he would have totally fine and my parents could have probably held it together...but I just didnt feel ready for that. I dont want all my dates to have to meet my parents, I still want it to be a kind of special thing. SO he picked me up in his Mercedes, and I looked pretty stinkin hot (curled hair, fake eyelashes, the whole deal), and he told me I was pretty, and we went to When In Rome.

He ordered us really good wine, at my request of nothing too dry. They made me an AMAZING pasta primavera at my request of nothing with cheese or meat. Our cute old italian waiter tells me, "oh, we'll make something for you, we'll make something for you.". The pasta and sauce were SO fresh Ive never tasted anything so flavorful! Then I broke my no cream rule and had a bite of 3 desserts, all of which were delicious. Besides the yummy food and atmosphere, we had such a nice time together. Had so much to talk about and we both just get along really well. We really like to discuss things about just different random stuff. We are both opinionated and like to talk about stuff, which is so fun to have someone to talk about stuff with. And its never heated, its always just in fun and in the end we just agree to disagree or laugh. So that was great.

Then he invited me to his house. And I knew that wasnt a good idea. So we went to a quiet bar down the street instead. We just talked and enjoyed each others company more there, and I realized half way through the conversation that I hadnt noticed anything else in the entire room...we were just totally in the moment enjoying our time together. It was sweet.

He kissed me.

He complimented me lots.

He also offered to take me to his house 2 more times, which I politely refused and changed the subject. As much as I want to, I mean...I am a real person, Im just trying to be a lady. A nice girl. Being a nice lady is a lot more work though.

He said he would call me today, and we might have plans for tomorrow. He always calls when he says he will and will usually text me or something...but nada today. NOTHING. and its getting late and im anxious. Which is annoying, because after the first date I only kinda cared if he called or not. But now all of a sudden Im all fussy and anxious.

But im just about over it. As in, if he doesnt call he doesnt call.

Im not super duper attached, we just have fun together and its nice to be liked so of course I dont want that to end.

He has a few more hours, we'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

A Lunch Date

I forgot to tell you all that I had another date with someone else on Monday. We went to Poisidens in Del Mar. It was beautiful, right on the beach, and such a nice day. We had a nice time, lots to talk about getting to know each other and everything. He has a good job, nice things, nice car, sounds like he has a good family, likes to travel, has lots of things to keep him busy with friends and activities during the week, hes a good guy. My only hesitation is that he isnt "my type"? Im just SO attracted to the arty musicy Indie guys who never like me back and are typically pretentious jerks anyway without jobs or proper social skills. He is the polar opposite. Works in intense corporate America and LIKES it, which, you know me, so NOT my thing. This guy is great, we just dont have anything in common really, which also seems to freak me out a little. He does like to travel and do cultural stuff like I do, but more because he was raised to like them and less because hes a freak about them like me. Which is fine, at least we'd have some things to do together.

Anyway, we had a really nice lunch. He knows how to treat a girl, which was really great. Opened doors, paid for everything even my valet, always made sure I had sparkling water, it was a good time.

SO he called the next day (crazy right) and we are going to dinner again on Saturday.
I'm just excited to get to know him more and to have fun.
Dating is fun.
It just requires a lot more thought.

Your all so excited you get to follow along on my dating adventures, hehe.

Currently watching a crazy movie called Rabbit Proof Fence. Its for my Art & World Cultures class and its such a crazy story. I cant believe just 80 years ago this happened. They used to STEAL aboriginal children from their families and send them to live in schools to learn to be servants where they could only speak english and had to follow Catholic traditions. Its really awful to watch. And amazing how the Australians didnt learn from how awful our Native America "re-education" plan went. Its pretty much the exact same thing. so sad.

Ok, back to work.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Hes Just Not That Into Me?

He texted me this morning to say that he had to go to the ER last night from fainting and got stitches so we had to put our date on hold for now. I asked what happened and he said that he went to the gym yesterday for the first time in more then a year (which I think is cute since its probably because he had a hot date with a certain somebody;) and didnt drink enough water and then had some beer and fainted and cut open his bottom lip. so embarrassing, hehe.

Thats not a brush off right? And he told me today at 11a.

Too be honest, Im pretty ok with things. I mean, I was excited to go out and I actually think it could have been a good date. But for a number of reasons its ok with me (for now its ok...this will change if I actually never hear from him again)
1) My face is all broken out from eating too many nuts. I know, right.
2) Friends are having a fun pre labor day party today and I was going to miss most of it, so Im glad I get to go now. Im also making delicious food for the party and really wanted to get to do that.
3) I need to re-dye my hair but didnt feel like doing it. Now I can do it tomorrow and he'll never know.
4) I have such skepticism about boys already, that I had very little hopes up about anything actually happening. so really, I'm not too dashed
5) 2 other boys wanted my number to ask me out sometime this week, so this isnt the end of the world. Although he was my favorite one I think.

So we'll see.
Oh man, I sure hope things work out with him solely for the reason that someday he can discover my blog and what I wrote about him. mwahaha.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Cry Face! and others.

So the last few days, for NO apparent reason I have been so teary eyed at the most RANDOM things. This happens every once in awhile, unrelated to hormones, but just because.
Here's a list of things that have made my eyes well in the last few days. seriously RIDICULOUS!

-So You Think You Can Dance best 15 dances:
A lot of them are really powerful, but teary eyed worthy? Especially after Ive seen them at least 3 times before? I dont know about that.

-Bleeding Love song by Leona Lewis:
It was on the radio on the way to work today and I just got all weepy because I related to the song about being alone...but then it was about being in love now...and then I realized Im not actually that lonely (certainly not enough to cry about it!) and then realized Im crazy. But got all teary anyway. so funny.

-Shawshank Redemption Movie Clip in Class:
We were discussing how music effects people in amazing ways, and watched the clip when he plays the opera over the PA system and everyone stops what they're doing and listens. I couldnt handle it, even though Ive seen it before, I got all teary eyed AGAIN.

-No Cars Running song by Arcade Fire:
Again, have listened to this song a million times, but for some reason this time it was so beautiful it made me cry. haha so lame.

Ill try to take note of when the other instances take place. Im sure this is just the beginning.

In other news, all my clothes have stains on them. Well, not all of them. But the set of revolving dresses I wear on a regular basis, 4 of them have stains...out of like 7. Lets got apple cider vinegar on it from when I put it on my dogs wounds. I spilled food on my blue stripey one. I spilled burrito on my painty one. And today I put on a green one thinking it was stain free, but no. I just found a weird grey stain right on the front of it. Now I have all this laundry to do. But I do think its funny. All the clothes I have to wear in this weather I cant wear because they have stains. silly.

I have a date on Sunday! weird right? Im not making a big deal out of it, because Im not expecting anything to happen. It will just be nice to be taken out and it will be fun. He did a god job planning what we're going to do, so if anything Ill have fun doing that. Besides, dating is supposed to be fun! I really wish it was a date with the boy I have a crush on, but apparently he sucks at actually asking for my number or asking me to do things. ANNOYING. thats right boys, I said it, your annoying. get it together.

School started this week. I actually like my classes but am so NOT excited to be back at school I had a rough week. I was just so cranky and tired. Over it. I think im also just really burnt out of the teaching stuff and am sick of everyone in my cohort. Too much togetherness under high stress going on our 3rd year together...not fun. But im extra excited for my 2 art classes...but am still in denile I have a HUGE amount of reading and homework to do. Trying to get it all done so I can actually enjoy the holiday weekend.

Note to self: wearing hair in braids on top of head like Heidi=bad hair days to follow. But it was worth it.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Last of my Life + BIG news!

Last Day of my Life:

WELL. this is it. my last day of freedom.
I cant believe the summer is over already! it seems like I was just whining about how bored I am...summer over.

Tomorrow I have a BUSY day too. The beginning of a very busy week, which will reflect my life from here on out. BUT its my last official semester as an undergraduate!!! So, really...its like my last FIRST day of school?! yay!

but not really since teachers have first days all the time and ill be getting my masters eventually and will have to do this all over again, bleh. but having this long worked for, cried over, hateful, exhaustive BA done will feel SO great! and then its just fun student teaching (and by fun, I of course me equally exhaustive) for the spring semester and I'm PEACING OUT!!!

so today im trying to get everything done before my live is over. Cleaning out my car (this is a big deal for me, as you should well know), hanging up forgotten pictures, cleaning out corners, cleaning my bed sheets, spa day, errands, cooking for the week, everything I know I wont have the energy for ever again. sad.

unfortunately its so dang hot I can only do a little at a time before I start literally DRIPPING with sweat. I prefer to just look at the projects that need to get done while sitting in front of my fan.

well, Ive tried to tell everyone whose really close to me before I posted it online, and I think I've pretty much succeeded, so here goes for everyone else--- I have applied for Teach for America (through Americorp) to teach in the inner city of NYC (hopefully). I made it through the first application, and I'm on to the phone interview now at the end of September. Then its on to an in person interview in October, then I find out a few months down the road if and where I will be placed. soooo yeah. CRAZY right. Its a 2 year program, I get paid decently, and I get to pay back my loans and work on my masters degree for free! YAY! so thats pretty exciting. a little scary, but in a good way. so, im sure Ill gush more on everything later, but for now I have to focus on the task ahead of finishing the year strong.

I miss Disneyland.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I forgot

Forgot to add this to the Disneyland pictures of me and Kels. This is a good one from this year!(me. naked. obviously.)

Had a nice time with friends this week. But am really tired and spent the day napping and catching up on my shows (yay!). I did venture out to take alex to the airport this morning and later to get a vegan burrito from Ricos. Otherwise, nada. it was awesome. tomorrow i got meet my teacher for my student teaching this semester. Im excited, its a 5th grade class which ive done before but this will be more intensive. and 5th graders have grown on me a lot since then which is why I chose 5th, yay! haha watching Kathy Griffen stand up...shes so funny making fun of Hollywood. love it.

There was a cake episode this week.
Check it out on my other blog:
it was a doozy.

I think I might have a crush on a boy! which is always fun. oh to be young again...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Too tired from too much fun!

Yesterday and today were crazy! Short version: Cleaned the house and had family come on Saturday. Drove down to Micahs late to spend the night and ended up going out for drinks and dancing with her and her lovely friend boy Alex (so fun!). Woke up at 6am (oh, life with room mates;) then Picked up lady alex (friend from DTS) this morning and spent the day with her, micah, me, and cammie. Got breakfast, coffee at cammies hotel, walked around Cornado, the Hotel Del, and along the beach. Napped and ate burritos then came home with Alex. Got everything together here for her and myself after having family stay in my room. Sat and watched Friends and tried not to fall asleep while eating snacks. Had family friends here the entire time but was too tired to interact with them.

my eyes hurt from exhaustion. my feet hurt from not wearing proper shoes for walking all day. my head hurts from lack of sleep and too much fun. time for bed!


Friday, August 21, 2009

Other Possible Men to Marry

I would also be open to marrying any of the following gentlemen:

(the boys of Mewithoutyou)

(the boys of Fleet Foxes)

(Glen Hansard of Swell Season)

Now, whos gonna make this happen?

Why cant I meet anyone?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Kelsey and Esthers Disney Adventures Through the Years

Kelsey and I decided to take a look at ourselves from the past few times we've gone to Disneyland. I can now rightly say, things have only gotten better.

Traditional Tram Pictures:

Autumn 2007

Christmas 2007

Summer 2008

Summer 2009

Front of the park full body shots:
(there are only two because we dont like asking people to take our pictures.)

Christmas 2007

Summer 2009

What Have I Been Doing, you ask?

I had such a great weekend! Me and Kelsey spent Sunday going to her church, eating delicious vegan food at the Veggie Grill, shopping at the giant Forever 21, and then the evening at Disneyland! I was so exhausted afterwards, but poor Kelsey had to go to work the next day, must have been rough!

Unfortunately on Monday I wasnt feeling very well (lack of sleep and an allergy attack) so I drove home from Kelseys and then just passed out with the doggies for a few hours before Jordan and Annie came by for a visit. Then me and Jordan went to the market because i haven't gone for 2 weeks and was tired of eating chips and guacamole for lunch everyday, ha.

Lately I have been watching Dexter season 1 (as inspired by Cassie actually), just finished last night! LOVE it so much! The plot was so developed, normally I can always figure out who and why the bad guys are on those kinds of shows, but not this one! and I love the depth and deep questions Dexter makes the viewers ponder. I find myself thinking a lot while watching, which means its definitely a good show. I finished it though, so its time for a break. While I was going to bed I couldnt get the image of blood out of my head so I knew it was time to quit for awhile. I have Mad Men season 1 on the way, we'll see how that goes. But instant watching is so much easier!!!

Bella is doing better. Her little feet are looking a teeny tiny bit better, but I most notice her personality is back! Shes perky and sweet again, even though she still cant really walk. Its nice to have her back after months of her being so tired and sad ALL the time. Hopefully we're now on a good path to getting her better.

one of my friends and I decided that if neither of us still has a man at 40, then we will get pregnant at the same time (hello sperm bank) and have babies anyway! We also decided that we would like to live in a duplex so we could have our own space, but still have fun with our babies together. we were SO excited! And it made both of us so hopeful for the future. Being SO single is rough. And by SO single I mean, not even a date in the last...I dont even want to say. But at the same time, I love being an independent young woman. I know I dont really want to be married right now either, although a bf would be nice, but whatever. I can do whatever I want. I can go wherever I want. I can sit all afternoon in bed with my dogs and watch Dexter and bake pies and no one can stop me! It was such a freeing concept when I realized I dont NEED a man. I have amazing girl friends and a promising future once school is over. I have done so much that I am able to figure out any situation without the help of a male counterpart. Im not saying it wouldnt be NICE to have a lovely boy around. And I think we were made to fit nicely with a male partner, but i still dont NEED them. I am perfectly able to take care of myself, thank you. And when I feel alone, I have about 10 girl friends and some rents who can tend to me, thanks. That being said, Im not lowering my standards just because I hate sleeping alone. So Mr. i-dont-have-a-job-and-live-at-home-cause-im-lazy guys who somehow find me at every bar or party, you can turn yourself right around. Im not that desperate.

I think I have been watching too much Sex and the City. or Hes Just Not That Into You. haha.

On todays agenda: walk Worms. buy Bella more fancy dog food in Del Mar. Buy vegan chocolate chips for my pie. Bake pie. Pick up room. Watch something lovely. probably nap.

This is my life now.

But PS, this is my last week of enjoyment! Next week I have friends in town, start my teaching internship, and work. then I start school the 31st! sad times. Im trying to enjoy every last second of my "boredom" as possible!!!

Man this ended up being long. enjoy!