His Homecoming.

Oh, where to begin. I am so thankful for yesterday. When my love was greeted with such sweetness from baby bear. We finally got caught up last night after his family were asleep and he told me everything. Someone may be a little emotional and got all teary eyed as he told me everything that happened. Then I made him tell me it all again.

Baby mama came to drop him off (it included some drama of course, minor compared to the usual, but we tried not to let it damper the mood) and as soon as he saw Mr. Boyfriend he said "Daddy!" and went right to him and let Boyfriend hug and snuggle him.  Apparently he'd been talking about "Daddy" all day. He didn't want to go back to his mama. He didn't even cry when she left. My boys went back into his parents house and played all afternoon. He kept coming over for snuggles from his Daddy (just like when we were last there!), was eating all of these vegetables and good foods without a fuss, and they just played and played. Boyfriend said at one point the exhaustion from not sleeping for 2 days caught up with him so he fell asleep on the floor while baby bear was playing. When he woke up, bear had put a little blanket on him and was all cuddled up next to him (COME ON). He can say a lot more words now but all in the same sweet voice we left him with. "Sorry" and "Sit down" and says to his grandma "Hey Momma". The book I got him with the animals and sounds he still loves. But now he can match the animal pages to the buttons he's supposed to push. 

Seriously, I die for this kid. His heart is so sweet and tender. I was so worried that the upheaval he's been through while we haven't been able to be with him would have crushed his precious spirit. But no. He is so much like my love. It's all of the secret sweet parts of Boyfriend that only I really get to see- but put into a little mini person that looks just like him! My boys are back together again and we both talked last night about this huge weight being lifted off. He's not even here yet and we already feel so much better. He is home. Baby Bear is safe and just as we left him. Boyfriend should get here Monday and our move should go smoothly. Everything is going to be ok.

Well. Almost everything. Today Boyfriend is meeting with Baby Mama to discuss the custody arrangement (actually probably right at this moment). We are expecting her to be her usual self and kick and scream the entire time, so the other plans are to see his lawyer this afternoon if needed and get the court process going. Either way we want a document that says we can have him at least 6 months a year. We are going to do our own amount of kicking and screaming as much as we need to so we can have that little love with us. We've planned on having him. We don't see a future without him. And I am so proud of my man for fighting for that little bear. For going without sleep. Getting up early to take his Mom to work so he can use her car today and get this stuff done. So many things he does not want to do and instead of even procrastinating or pleading for sleep, he is using his first day of vacation to do them all. How much does this speak of his character and heart? Of honor and strength? I am constantly overwhelmed by the heart of the man God has given me. I am the luckiest girl in the world. And the luckiest Momma in the world by the looks of it too. 

Our journey is just beginning.

My Boys. Reunited.

I have such an emotional weekend ahead of me, I can just feel it. Finishing packing for the move, this custody drama, and preparing to see Boyfriend. If you only knew the horrible thoughts a girl has about herself before seeing her love after 6 months. Convinced I am too fat for him now and he'll be repelled by me. How sad is that? I am just fighting and fighting feeling bad about myself. It's stupid when I know how much he loves me, how much he misses A GIRL- let alone the love of his life. That I've really only gained maybe 5lbs since he last saw me, and that my confidence has always out shown my weight issues. Trying to locate where I put that darn confidence as of late.

Getting through work today and Monday are going to be such a chore! I have so much to look forward to, that time is just inching by now.

xoxo

HL

Home.

The more I find out about our new place, the more I realize what a perfect home it will be for us. My Dad wanted to drive through the neighborhood over the weekend after we all had brunch. As we drove through I saw even MORE sweet things now walking distance from our place. A park with a jungle gym is literally 3 blocks down the road and up against a LAGOON. To which I realized...oh my, WE also live up against the lagoon! The picnics, walks, play dates, and adventures to be had just continue to overwhelm me with how perfect this is. Just when I think I am already so excited. So happy.

Then we drove to where the train is. It is a bit of 10+ minute walk from our new place but is next door to a new waffle truck box restaurant type of place. Something I thought almost too cool for Carlsbad until I realized...whoa, Carlsbad IS cool. So many new bars (even fancy wine and French bars!) have opened in the area and it just feels so us. Boyfriend keeps saying, "Why are we allowed to live walking distance to sushi, pizza, taco bell, and bars?! Who is allowing this?!".

I can't wait to share pictures of the new apartment as we get settled. We are going to pick out furniture for the living spaces on Tuesday and have it delivered Thursday. Our first place. All ours.

Also. He is leaving for Tupelo tonight! Finally they got his paperwork together and bought the ticket today. Gosh are they disorganized. He was supposed to leave MONDAY. Ridiculous. So tomorrow mid-morning my love will be in America. He'll have the baby so we'll know baby bear is alright too. And just 5 more sleeps now until I will be wrapped up in strong arms and kissed over and over again.

I went through 5 boxes last night! Success!

And Then There Were Seven.

ONLY SEVEN DAYS UNTIL I SEE MY LOVE!!! 

AND until I get a mini vacation!! 

AND until  I get to have sex again! SWEET JESUS. 

I am taking a few days off that week for the big move and we have so many fun things planned. It would have already been amazing just to be together and have some vacation time, but then getting to begin our lives together in the first place either of us have had of our very own, plus some family Christmas events, surprises from him, and the work Christmas party too...it's just so sweet. I fear this week shall be one of the slowest of my life. 

I need to fast. Thanksgiving weekend with the family was out of control. I feel like I could eat soup and protein shakes for the rest of the week and be 100% FINE. I bought something saucy to wear for our first big night together and now the idea of stuffing myself into it is horrifying. Good thing he hasn't been allowed to touch another girl for a year and won't even care! Gosh, can you believe we've been doing this shenanigan long distance thing for over a YEAR? And that we haven't seen each other in 6 months? Damn that is love if nothing else.

The blog doesn't look like complete shit now. It's not at all perfect to me and I might actually pay someone to completely redo it all for me this year...I have tried myself and just don't have the time. I barely have the time to write as often as I'd like. So we'll see.

Seven Days. After Six Months. Just Seven Days Now.

Oh man are we ready.

xoxo

HL

Under Construction!!

Excuse my dust! I am redoing the blog (have been meaning to do this for AGES) it currently looks horrible, so give me a few days to spruce her up over the holiday weekend. 

All my love!

Thoughts on Being a Military Girlfriend (and Future Wife)

It blows. Ok seriously, I am not joking it fucking BLOWS. I love how other women like to say to me, “I don’t know how you deal with everything, I would never be able to deal with that.” Oh right. Like I somehow chose to be head over heels in love with a military man and was super excited to sign up for him being gone all the time on potentially dangerous missions, having his dates for coming home changed at the last minute ALL the time, the countless paperwork and bureaucracy we have to work through to get ANYTHING done. I could go on, but you get the gist. I don’t think I am somehow more able to accept and deal with this shit than anyone else, I didn’t go looking for a military guy. In fact, I swore I would never be with one because I didn’t want all of the extra stress in life! But here we are.

However I will say, whenever we get another blow like the one about him being seriously potentially deployed again in February and I tell myself “I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!”. Jesus has some words with me. He reminds me he has given me this man who is so perfectly matched and loves me so deeply. That actually, I am stronger than some other women who genuinely wouldn’t be able to deal with this. I am very capable on my own, I have traveled and lived all over the world, I am independent and used to a long distance love. That he wouldn’t give me this situation if I couldn’t handle it and if it was all bad. That I am supposed to ask Him for help. That I need to suck it up and be supportive to my love because he shouldn’t be comforting me right now.

I think that’s the hardest part. Getting horrible news like today about him coming home later than planned, and having to secretly mourn because he is already so sad. Putting on the “it’ll be ok baby, at least it didn’t get cancelled for longer or post-poned a great deal…” face. I don’t think it will affect his time to come see me, but it will mean he doesn’t get to see baby bear that much longer which I know is very very difficult for him.

I suppose we can thank God for the “perks” such has housing allowances, moving support, free or cheaper priced items and services on base, the health care. But then when I think about it…they aren’t really perks at all. Just the basics of what you need to survive with the crappy pay, schedules and travelling- otherwise no one would be able to do it.

Ok fine there is another major perk. Something growing up in San Diego never taught me. In fact, growing up here taught me the opposite. But military men can have the most precious and sweet hearts. They have seen and experienced a lot of shit in their life. So they value their woman and family like I have never seen in a man our age. I know there are a lot of military men who go the opposite direction and can’t deal with their emotions since they are told by society as men not to have them, and then are trained by the military not to have them even more. Plus the trauma they experience they often can’t even tell you about because of top secret clearances and such. Sharing feelings? NOPE. And now you see how complicated being loving someone in the military is. I have so much respect for wives and families now that I NEVER had before, if anything I thought the stickers on the cars and ridiculous crying scenes at deployments were kind of weird. As in, “You knew he was going to leave! Why are you with a man who you know is going to be gone all the time and now you want to cry about it?” That's not how it works my friends. And I implore you to realize as such when you shake your head at a military family...or at me. Yeah it sucks, but we all know you don't choose who you fall in love with. 

However, if all goes even semi well my love will be with me in 11 days. And then I am not letting him go for as long as I possibly can.

xoxo

HL

Stupid Fights AKA "I Just Miss You"

Toward the end of our last 6 months a part stint we started having the silliest arguments. They were always miscommunications and afterwards we realized...gosh, we just miss each other. Do you know how hard it is to keep this crap up over the phone and sometimes Skype? We have it down now but every once in awhile you just need to see someone's face to know how they are really feeling.

This time was no different and I ended up being the jerk face. My love likes to tell me stories from back when he was in high school. Typically in my head they were stories about how awesome he was 10 years ago and that he, for some reason, needed to keep bragging about it. Usually I just teased him for being Uncle Rico and would remind him that his school was 30 people in an old tanning salon. Give it up. I felt like my bf became a douche right before my eyes telling old "remember when I was the star of the football team babe?!". It was frightening.

After a year he finally called me out on my teasing. And I called him out on being a douche. To which the saddest argument began.

Apparently I am a jerk. He just wanted to tell me stories. And then was SO afraid I would think he was a douche and leave him and got really sad. "I've been trying so hard to not be a douche anymore since I've met you, you haven't noticed?". My dear married friend and her husband gave me some solid advice "guys just like to tell you stories" and I inserted "you are their person". So simple but so true. Who the hell else are they going to tell? And what I thought was douche was really just him wanting to tell me things and make me laugh. "I didn't think I was being a douche, I just thought I was talking to my best friend"---daggers to the heart.

Now I have a bf who doesn't want to tell me anything anymore. Girlfriend fail.

We made up last night and finally got to talk for hours instead of just 20 minutes here or there depending on the day. We were laughing and laughing and are just SO excited to be with each other in TWO WEEKS!!!

This time next week he'll be headed to see the baby bear!! I am so excited for those two, he's been waiting for this real reunion for years. The reunion that will last longer then a week or two. My boys.

Excited for Thanksgiving this week. It's a short and slow week at work and we have family coming into town which will be so sweet. It's going to be hard for me because I am the only one working out of everyone the day before and after, but my boss isn't going to be there and doesn't care when I come in and out which is at least some consolation.

Missing my love.

2 Weeks and Counting...

Sweet vintage Ikea images here.

This time in two weeks I will be putting the finishing touches on packing up my life here. This time in two weeks I will be packing my overnight bag for our rendezvous in a surprise hotel (I am so spoiled) the next night. This time in two weeks I will be getting ready to pick up my long lost love after six months of being apart. Six months of no kisses. No one to hold your hand. No one to tell you how beautiful you look today. No one to take you to the movies or out for dinner. No one to snuggle with.. I can't believe it is so soon now! I mean I really can't believe it!

And now everything is happening so so fast. I have to seriously pack over the next two weeks...thank God I didn't really unpack my life after moving home from Slovakia. My room is somewhat bare with only the new house things I've bought over the last few months even still in boxes and bags. So really its going through my closet and the garage to get rid of everything I can, and cart off to Good Will. This is quite a feat. But after we have everyone in and out over Thanksgiving is when I think I can tackle. It's much less overwhelming to just go though boxes then it is to pack your entire life.

Today I made "our" first trip to Ikea. I am sure the first of many, but the first time I have gotten to buy things for my own place. Everywhere I've lived was with girls who had already been there awhile and already had everything. Which was very convenient at the time...but this is so much more fun. Making a home of our own. I bought a few things over the last few weeks and already had some donations, so it was mostly just filling in the remaining gaps. I know we still need quite a few things and I will be sick of these Ikea measuring cups and spoons and will want the Anthro ones...but trying to be financially responsible means buying things in cash and within my budget...and waiting until I have more money for fancier ones later. I am anxious to just go and get everything though!!

As you can see, I did quite well all on my own.

We are counting down the moments until he is back with baby bear. And then with me. And then all of us together. Neither of us feel like we can breathe correctly until we are finally together. It really is all happening. Make these two weeks go faster, oh please.

xoxo

HL

Be: Healthful.

I made a decision over the weekend. One I wanted to make awhile ago but didn't have the funds. Now that I am an adult with a real adult job, cook mostly at home to be healthy, am back in America with bountiful health food stores and fresh produce, plus I will soon be cooking for a man (and hopefully a little buddy too)...therefore, we are going to officially switch to organic as much as possible!

There is no reason not to, my grocery shelves are full with delicious looking local organic produce, meats, and anything else I could want. I know it will be a slow transition but I think it is just so valuable. AND once we get settled I am going to sign up for an organic CSA box so we can save money on some fruits and veggies every month and support our local farming community! I think we will be spending a lot of time at home the first months whether he leaves again on deployment or not...so having to be creative and make new things seems like something that would be fun to do based on whatever we get in our box that week.

So I began today with my "I spent all my money in Vegas" grocery run for bananas and almond milk. Organic were the same price as regular! Lucky me. I also decided to just suck up the extra money I know it is going to be each week and just shop at Trader Joe's like I want to. They have everything I want and its healthy and easy to whip their dinners together...I was in denial that I just don't have the time or energy to cook after work all day. So it's time for acceptance. Instead of just planning on cooking and then ending up eating Rubios fish tacos 3x/week...ok that hasn't happened quite yet but it easily could.

In other news I got our gas and electric set up to go on when we move in AND got our renters insurance today!! Tried to also do the internet but have to wait until we actually move in apparently. Now just need to get Bellas vaccination records and our drivers licenses copied and we can officially move in! In...UM...19 days?!?! eeeeee!!! And my baby will be here with me in less then that!!! Oh man I am just going to float away...

xoxo

HL

Pretty Things: Les Miserables.

Oh I die for this book, play, movie. And now this NEW movie/musical with the all star actors singing LIVE in the film! Plus this is secretly one of Boyfriends favorites movies and musicals of all time too, so the fact that we get to see it together gives me goosebumps. Enjoy the spread Annie Leibovitz did for Vogue.

I just can NOT wait until Christmas day.

xoxo

HL

Home "Owners"!!!

I took the morning off yesterday to get the money and application sorted. I kept trying to go after work but with them only being open standard business hours, and me working over an hour away...it wasn't happening.

I turned in the application and deposit and got the email shortly after telling us we'd been approved and can start moving in December 1st!!!

Yeah that's right. Less then a month and I will finally have a place of my own. A place to decorate and fill with the wares I choose. A place for snuggling and laughing. A place to have little bear when we are so lucky to have him. A place to bang my love after being apart for 6 MONTHS. A home of ones own.

To say we are excited is an understatement. Neither of us have had our own place before like this, he's always been in the military and I've always moved in places with people who'd already been there awhile. This is different!

I just want to run to the store and go shopping and buy everything, and as tempting as that is I am trying to hard to pay off debt and only want to use cash I have free for everything which is forcing me to wait until the next pay check, but it's still so exciting!!

My parents have been driving me crazy though. Which is timely I suppose now that moving (for the last time- for real) is so near. Every evening they like to ask my a million questions about our plans, and I would entertain them if they weren't the most ridiculous questions EVER and they are asking me like I am 19 and didn't think of these things. Such as, "what are you going to do about money?!" And "what happens if you break up?!" Etc. Really guys? Don't think we've thought all that through? We've been saving for 6 months for this and thought about every angle. They tend to treat me like a teenager all the time and it drives me crazy, these are days when I miss my freedom of being in Slovakia doing whatever I wanted and they had no idea the entire time. This final move should help push us back into that direction. Oh parents.

So clean out those cupboards! Send us your house wares! We have like...nothing...

So exciting though!!

Apartamento (update!)

Well despite being super stressed out about our life I am now on my way to the apartment we've decided on! It's still just the application phase and we need to be approved (which is a little nerve wracking), but something exciting happened already!

I went to look at this property last week, it was a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom that was upstairs with no balcony or anything for $1800 with a 3% military discount. We'd have to move in 2 weeks because they wouldnt hold it any longer then that which was overwhelming but we were going to deal. I wasn't super excited about it, but it was a beautiful complex with a nice gym and pool and great location...plus the unit wasn't all brand new but had been updated and included a washer and dryer plus the walk in closet I've always wanted. Not perfect but the best I'd found so we decided to apply.

Bad news they'd already rented it out. GOOD NEWS is they had a downstairs unit with a porch area close to the pool for only $1750 available December 5th!!! The one of 2 days I was already going to take off work because boyfriend will be in town! AND NOW we can move together!!

So I am on my way to get our deposit and apply the shit out of this apartment. It's been ripe with complication over him not being here to sign the form, the time change going to 6 hours between us which makes talking through a form and getting the necessary income print outs "fun". But the property managers are being nice about it all and helpful. And I feel so very blessed to have what seems to be an even better then I thought possible opportunity come up. If this works out we can check a big item off our list.

Please approve us!!

These Next Few Weeks Are Going To Suck Balls.

Yeah you read that right. These next few weeks are really really going to suck balls. Lets start referring to them as "The Dark Weeks" because holy crap.

As boyfriend prepares to move home, fight for custody of little bear, move into our apartment, get a new car, all our trips...it's just too much. The amount of paperwork and stress for even just one of those things is enough to put people on edge but we have to do it all in a mere few weeks. Being a little project planner I made us an excel sheet of everything we need to do and by when according to person and priority. But I think it worked to overwhelm us as much as it did organize us. I am trying to just focus on what I need to do one day at a time and encouraged him to do the same thing. But it's hard. I'm
not sleeping very well and were both fussy all the time.

The upcoming deployment news didn't help. Now we feel even more crunched for time. Time to get things done and time to enjoy each other. I foresee the next few weeks of us not taking much oddly. We both have so much to do and end up just going over it again and again and try and encourage each other to not be stressed out when we are stressed out too. To his credit, he has a lot more to do then I do. I think some of the stress could have been helped if they had properly done a written custody agreement between the two of them while he was last home (or HELLO- when he was born) but I think it's hard for him to get anything done being out of the country and her refusing to talk about anything. I think even if he's just able to get half custody until he's school age notarized that's be a win. Otherwise we have nothing to give to the military to get our off base housing and nothing in case something happens to either of them. It's so ridiculous. I know he's tried so many times and has gone back and forth until he was ready to throw the phone across the room with her crying about nothing on the other line to try and get out of dealing with anything. Arg.

But one thing at a time.

So today we are focusing on finishing our apartment applications and I am going to turn them in (eeeeee!). Once that's done and we get approved I can focus on getting the last of our things and packing. One step at a time.

He spent the weekend being sad too. We literally both spent Saturday not talking and just being alone and sad and overwhelmed.

Told you, The Dark Weeks. If we can make it through this we can make it through anything!

Thankful.

I think these kinds of signs are stupid and will NEVER have them in my home. 

Yeah thats right, Mrs. Grumpy, pleased to meet you.

Everyone is doing the "Today I am Thankful For..." exercise up until Thanksgiving. Which as sweet as it is, being in the mood I have been in this week my mental response to their posts has been anything but kind. Which means I probably need to start doing it. Ugh.

I know Jesus (or whatever spirituality you subscribe to) wants us to get out of our heads and look around. Experience gratitude not for the loss of things in our life but for the flood of good. Especially when I remember the feeling coming back from India and being truly thankful for every little thing I had. Running water. Toilets. Toilet paper in bathrooms. Bathrooms in public places that weren't holes behind a little wall. Living in a country that cares for its people. Ice. Cold drinking water. Screens on windows. Air conditioning. I could go on and on. Things I never thought were blessings being in a first world country but SO are. This doesn't even touch the horrible life stories we heard of abuse, rape, HIV, babies being left, etc. That opens up a whole new drawer of thankfulness.

So since it is annoying me so much it probably means I need to do it. To stop making this all about me and my love leaving again, as terrible as that is, and start shifting my thinking and realize even in this I am blessed.

However I will spare you the blog posts and keep it at the twitter level. @blackandlashes

Begrudgingly I go to write my first one...arg.

xoxo

HL

Trying On Acceptance.

Trying to be more accepting today as I enter my last day I've deemed as "mourning" my love being deployed again in February. I am tempted to rush around and do my errands, turn in this apartment application, clean and cook and fuss...but I know I need to be still. And sit here in being sad, frustrated, afraid, overwhelmed, and angry. I've busied myself all week so I could get through each work day without being that girl crying at her desk (mission accomplished). But now I know it's time to be still.

Especially because I can feel the deep depression bout coming on. That little grey cloud has been following me around from time to time and I know because whenever I get upset or even happy about anything it whispers in my ear, "Nothing matters anymore. Why care? Nothing matters." and that scares me. That is the true signal I am depressed...when I genuinely don't want to get out of bed, work, dress up, do things I enjoy, be excited about anything at all because my brain keeps telling me "Who cares, nothing matters anymore". However, I think this is a normal part of my grieving process. I am not too afraid of falling into a serious depression yet...just want to be cautious and try and put some parameters around myself since I know the path it can lead to. And one of the parameters I know to give myself is time and place to be sad and angry and feel everything I am feeling. Then when it's over and I am doing something else like work or spending time with friends, I am fully present and not holding back tears the entire time because I haven't properly let myself feel anything.

So here we are.

God has blessed me with a weekend of almost nothing to do. I am procrastinating my errands and chores until tomorrow so today is mine to spend eating moms pancakes, reading, thinking, and sitting in my feelings. I've been thinking in a way...this is bigger then just the upcoming deployment. I think I am grieving a whole slew of things I thought would happen in my life that are now not to be. Being with a military man means everything about me always comes second. And that realization is perhaps even more difficult to deal with. The things I gain from my love outweigh the things I am having to give up, I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Plus I am exhausted. The work week was extremely stressful. Plus this news keeping me tossing and turning every night. Plus having things to do after work everyday has left me drained to say the least. This week I am looking forward to getting a massage. I knew I needed it. Getting my nails and feet done. And taking a half day on Friday to go with some girls to Vegas. I am hoping that will be the last thing I need to finally shake this icky feeling.

I am thankful for today.

xoxo

HL

Words To Describe.

It's taking everything in me to actually sit down. still. and write this all down.

Because every time I stop moving I get to thinking. Get to crying. Get to inching closer and closer back to bed. And writing it down means it's real. I don't know which "stage" of grief I am in...but it would appear to be some weird mix of all of them where one minute I am fighting the truth by staying busy and pretending nothings happening and the next I want to punch the military in the face, until suddenly I realize I am crying.

In case you just joined us. The love of my life is coming home to me from his deployment so very soon, just a little over 4 weeks now. We've been a part for over a year now but did spend a week together in early June. Which doesn't feel that long ago now but does at the same time. When he's finally back in my arms it will have been 6 months. And oh the plans we've made! Looking for an apartment together! I have a list on my phone of all the places I want to take him! His son will hopefully be joining us! Everything was busy but exciting and sweet and felt like a happy ending to this prolonged distance of death.

And then.

There always seems to be an "and then" with me. Nothing can ever be easy.

Anyway. And then.

We found out he's scheduled to be deployed again in February for another 6-8 months.
And here I have to catch my breath.

To say I wept for our future and life together as it disappeared like a puff of smoke would be an understatement. It was more of a sobfest on the floor of my room after 4 gin and tonics and some cookies.

I pleaded with God. PLEADED.
"Please don't make me do this, I can't do this, why are you doing this?! Why mine? Why do I have to be alone? Why does this have to be so hard? THIS ISN'T FAIR."

I know I will get to the point of acceptance and will be excited for our time together while we have it. I know I will eventually be optimistic that at least he's not going to the middle east. That he's alive. That I am so sweetly loved and taken care of. But those day's haven't come yet. I am not ready for them. I am barely ready to talk about anything with even my closest friends. Still processing letting go of every memory I had built up making with him. And with our sweet little bear. Every adventure. Our big engagement. Waking up with each other every morning. Every moment I was so looking forward to is gone gone gone. Plus the realization it's always going to be like this. My life will always come second to his career. My aspirations and wishes can never be a priority. And what's worse, I can't complain about it because it's not his fault and I don't want him to feel guilty. I have to pretend to not be sad and be the bigger person every time he is sad. So much to give up.

How do you even attempt explain all of that loss to someone else? Furthermore, how do you tell your friends and family that you still love him and want to be with him even though he's going to be gone again? I feel alone. Then I know the questions of what we are going to do will start and I have barely enough energy to make it through the day let alone formulate a plan to answer everyones questions and judgements. My mother is the worst, she's supportive which is sweet but pesters me for answers and I just don't have them yet.

I have big plans of mourning my future with my love all weekend. I told myself by Sunday afternoon I need to have snapped out of it and get my shit a little more together.

So many things.

xoxo

HL