Thursday, November 01, 2012

Words To Describe.

It's taking everything in me to actually sit down. still. and write this all down.

Because every time I stop moving I get to thinking. Get to crying. Get to inching closer and closer back to bed. And writing it down means it's real. I don't know which "stage" of grief I am in...but it would appear to be some weird mix of all of them where one minute I am fighting the truth by staying busy and pretending nothings happening and the next I want to punch the military in the face, until suddenly I realize I am crying.

In case you just joined us. The love of my life is coming home to me from his deployment so very soon, just a little over 4 weeks now. We've been a part for over a year now but did spend a week together in early June. Which doesn't feel that long ago now but does at the same time. When he's finally back in my arms it will have been 6 months. And oh the plans we've made! Looking for an apartment together! I have a list on my phone of all the places I want to take him! His son will hopefully be joining us! Everything was busy but exciting and sweet and felt like a happy ending to this prolonged distance of death.

And then.

There always seems to be an "and then" with me. Nothing can ever be easy.

Anyway. And then.

We found out he's scheduled to be deployed again in February for another 6-8 months.
And here I have to catch my breath.

To say I wept for our future and life together as it disappeared like a puff of smoke would be an understatement. It was more of a sobfest on the floor of my room after 4 gin and tonics and some cookies.

I pleaded with God. PLEADED.
"Please don't make me do this, I can't do this, why are you doing this?! Why mine? Why do I have to be alone? Why does this have to be so hard? THIS ISN'T FAIR."

I know I will get to the point of acceptance and will be excited for our time together while we have it. I know I will eventually be optimistic that at least he's not going to the middle east. That he's alive. That I am so sweetly loved and taken care of. But those day's haven't come yet. I am not ready for them. I am barely ready to talk about anything with even my closest friends. Still processing letting go of every memory I had built up making with him. And with our sweet little bear. Every adventure. Our big engagement. Waking up with each other every morning. Every moment I was so looking forward to is gone gone gone. Plus the realization it's always going to be like this. My life will always come second to his career. My aspirations and wishes can never be a priority. And what's worse, I can't complain about it because it's not his fault and I don't want him to feel guilty. I have to pretend to not be sad and be the bigger person every time he is sad. So much to give up.

How do you even attempt explain all of that loss to someone else? Furthermore, how do you tell your friends and family that you still love him and want to be with him even though he's going to be gone again? I feel alone. Then I know the questions of what we are going to do will start and I have barely enough energy to make it through the day let alone formulate a plan to answer everyones questions and judgements. My mother is the worst, she's supportive which is sweet but pesters me for answers and I just don't have them yet.

I have big plans of mourning my future with my love all weekend. I told myself by Sunday afternoon I need to have snapped out of it and get my shit a little more together.

So many things.



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