Saturday, November 03, 2012

Trying On Acceptance.

Trying to be more accepting today as I enter my last day I've deemed as "mourning" my love being deployed again in February. I am tempted to rush around and do my errands, turn in this apartment application, clean and cook and fuss...but I know I need to be still. And sit here in being sad, frustrated, afraid, overwhelmed, and angry. I've busied myself all week so I could get through each work day without being that girl crying at her desk (mission accomplished). But now I know it's time to be still.

Especially because I can feel the deep depression bout coming on. That little grey cloud has been following me around from time to time and I know because whenever I get upset or even happy about anything it whispers in my ear, "Nothing matters anymore. Why care? Nothing matters." and that scares me. That is the true signal I am depressed...when I genuinely don't want to get out of bed, work, dress up, do things I enjoy, be excited about anything at all because my brain keeps telling me "Who cares, nothing matters anymore". However, I think this is a normal part of my grieving process. I am not too afraid of falling into a serious depression yet...just want to be cautious and try and put some parameters around myself since I know the path it can lead to. And one of the parameters I know to give myself is time and place to be sad and angry and feel everything I am feeling. Then when it's over and I am doing something else like work or spending time with friends, I am fully present and not holding back tears the entire time because I haven't properly let myself feel anything.

So here we are.

God has blessed me with a weekend of almost nothing to do. I am procrastinating my errands and chores until tomorrow so today is mine to spend eating moms pancakes, reading, thinking, and sitting in my feelings. I've been thinking in a way...this is bigger then just the upcoming deployment. I think I am grieving a whole slew of things I thought would happen in my life that are now not to be. Being with a military man means everything about me always comes second. And that realization is perhaps even more difficult to deal with. The things I gain from my love outweigh the things I am having to give up, I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Plus I am exhausted. The work week was extremely stressful. Plus this news keeping me tossing and turning every night. Plus having things to do after work everyday has left me drained to say the least. This week I am looking forward to getting a massage. I knew I needed it. Getting my nails and feet done. And taking a half day on Friday to go with some girls to Vegas. I am hoping that will be the last thing I need to finally shake this icky feeling.

I am thankful for today.



No comments: