It blows. Ok seriously, I am not joking it fucking BLOWS. I
love how other women like to say to me, “I
don’t know how you deal with everything, I would never be able to deal with
that.” Oh right. Like I somehow chose to be head over heels in love with a
military man and was super excited to sign up for him being gone all the time
on potentially dangerous missions, having his dates for coming home changed at
the last minute ALL the time, the countless paperwork and bureaucracy we have
to work through to get ANYTHING done. I could go on, but you get the gist. I
don’t think I am somehow more able to accept and deal with this shit than
anyone else, I didn’t go looking for a military guy. In fact, I swore I would
never be with one because I didn’t want all of the extra stress in life! But
here we are.
However I will say, whenever we get another blow like the
one about him being seriously potentially deployed again in February and I tell
myself “I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!”. Jesus has some words
with me. He reminds me he has given me this man who is so perfectly matched and
loves me so deeply. That actually, I am
stronger than some other women who genuinely wouldn’t be able to deal with this. I am very capable on my own, I
have traveled and lived all over the world, I am independent and used to a long
distance love. That he wouldn’t give me this situation if I couldn’t handle it
and if it was all bad. That I am supposed to ask Him for help. That I need to
suck it up and be supportive to my love because he shouldn’t be comforting me
right now.
I think that’s the hardest part. Getting horrible news like
today about him coming home later than planned, and having to secretly mourn
because he is already so sad. Putting on the “it’ll be ok baby, at least it
didn’t get cancelled for longer or post-poned a great deal…” face. I don’t
think it will affect his time to come see me, but it will mean he doesn’t get
to see baby bear that much longer which I know is very very difficult for him.
I suppose we can thank God for the “perks” such has housing
allowances, moving support, free or cheaper priced items and services on base,
the health care. But then when I think about it…they aren’t really perks at
all. Just the basics of what you need to survive with the crappy pay, schedules
and travelling- otherwise no one would be able to do it.
Ok fine there is another major perk. Something growing up in
San Diego never taught me. In fact, growing up here taught me the opposite. But
military men can have the most precious and sweet hearts. They have seen and
experienced a lot of shit in their life. So they value their woman and family
like I have never seen in a man our age. I know there are a lot of military men
who go the opposite direction and can’t deal with their emotions since they are
told by society as men not to have them, and then are trained by the military not to have them even more. Plus the trauma
they experience they often can’t even tell you about because of top secret
clearances and such. Sharing feelings? NOPE. And now you see how complicated
being loving someone in the military is. I have so much respect for wives and
families now that I NEVER had before, if anything I thought the stickers on the
cars and ridiculous crying scenes at deployments were kind of weird. As in, “You
knew he was going to leave! Why are you with a man who you know is going to be
gone all the time and now you want to cry about it?” That's not how it works my friends. And I implore you to realize as such when you shake your head at a military family...or at me. Yeah it sucks, but we all know you don't choose who you fall in love with.
However, if all goes even semi well my love will be with me in 11 days. And then I am not letting him go for as long as I possibly can.
xoxo
HL
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