Last week was rough. The up's and down's on the emotional rollar coaster of us trying to get the baby cake to come live with us was exhausting. After the bad news that the little buddy wasn't coming with us and that we'd have to pay and fight if we ever wanted him to, Boyfriend spent at least three days more depressed and broken then I'd ever seen him. We even got into an argument because he was talking about just giving up, why maybe leaving him with that crazy lady was a good idea, that he wasn't sure he even wanted to spend any more time with the buddy if it meant he'd never get to have him. He was so defeated. I let him spend a day being defeated, but as soon as he started speaking this way I refused to put up with it. To the point, that I knew I didn't want to be with a man who was going to refuse his child only for the sake of his own sad heart.
When I tried to encourage him and tell him he needed to get it together, he got angry with me for a bit. Sometimes he just needs me to let him be upset about things, and its hard for him to have someone in his life who doesn't let him get away with that. I understood his feelings, but to be honest, he only had a week left to spend with the little guy before leaving and not wanting to see him for fear of the heart break really wasn't an option. Not wanting to fight to be the Daddy for your child who desperately loves and needs you wasn't an option. After a few hours of letting him cool off he called me to apologize and explain why he feels so defeated. Then that evening he went to get the little buddy and crazy baby mama was actually being more civil and open to a proper custody discussion again. This glimmer of hope, this little speck of possibility of getting to have him again at least gave us the bandaid we needed to make it through. After all of this, I still don't believe anything until a paper is signed and filed with the court. Boyfriend feels the same and is working on at least getting a semblance of a document signed and filed before we leave. Otherwise it's back to whatever her crazy whim is each day and us saving the $1800 for a proper lawyer.
On one hand we've mapped out the silver lining to this whole debacle. We were planning on having him come with us. We even bought activity books and games for the car trip. We are still mourning when we have to say good bye. But to be honest, we weren't ready. His room is still a pile of my stuff that needs to be organized, we need a new bed for us so we can give him my old one, we have nothing else for him besides some kid friendly dishes. This could have been remedied but it would have had to happen all this weekend with me running around town attempting to put together a toddlers room with our dwindling moving budget. Besides that we don't have his day care sorted or even the military documents and money figured out. None of that can be done until he starts work January 10th, so who knows where money for day care would have come from until that was figured out.
So we are thinking of giving it 3 months, time to save up for a lawyer if needed. Time to get his room and the rest of the apartment put together, have daycare and on base stuff figured out. Plus...time for us just to be together. Adding little bear to the mix would have been wonderful, but of course its an added stressor to two people just starting their lives together. Having a few months "honeymoon" without the child responsibility I think will be important for the foundation of our relationship. Refreshing after being a part for so long. Getting to do all of the fun adult adventures we want to have before we add the sweet little cake to the family. Tiny silver linings we are trying to give to each other when we think of them such as "Well, now we can go wine tasting without having to get a sitter...can go out properly in Vegas...New Years Eve will be a blast..." So I know it'll be ok in the end. It's just been exhausting getting here. And I know those first few hours after we pull away from his sweet face and Mississippi with our empty back seat are going to be the roughest I think we've spent together. I expect my big bad Marine will even shed some secret tears only I am privy to see.
|He calls me "Eh-Ter" and tells me he's "playing with Daddy and eating apples" |
and so many things. And then I die.
Sweet pictures and phone calls I get from my precious boys.
Just a few more days until I get to see them and snuggle with my loves!