Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pretty Things: Max Wanger

I have been in love with this photographer for a VERY long time, but have secretly been hoarding him because if ANY of you steal him for your wedding, I. Will. Kill. You.

But the time has come to be friendly and share, so without sharing any of his wedding photos in case you get "too inspired", here are some favorite snippets from his new tumblr- which are his "cuts". Once you see them, you won't understand HOW these are leftovers. Random and Gorgeous.

Oh, God.

Sunday night Africa messaged me at 10:30p asking if he could come over. Normally, no problem, but after not hearing from him all week and weekend besides a quick visit Friday afternoon and some spur of the moment sex, I wasn’t wanting him to come over just so I could feel bad about myself for feeling used again. Instead he came over after work yesterday, we had a nice time watching TV and moves...I made a delicious dinner...nothing special, just relaxing. Finally it was bed time and I still hadn’t talked to him about how hurt I was after being ignored all week. Kind of tough with roomie hanging out with us the entire time, which I love, but I couldn’t really discuss anything serious with him then. 
THEN something kind of ridiculous happened. I am not even sure how I am processing it. We were having some hot before bed sex...probably one of our best...when he asked me all intensely and aggressively, 

“Do you love me?”
WTF. I didn’t even know how to respond. I know how to respond if someone says, “I love you” and your not quite ready to feel that yet, give a simple “I know you do” or “your so sweet” or make up something.... But DO YOU LOVE ME? While your slapping my ass? REALLY? 
So I didn’t say anything at first. Then he quickly asked me again.
So I just said “mmhmm”
And the he kept going... “say it out loud, say ‘I love you’”
Even writing this I feel like I am going to die of awkwardness.
So I just said it. Got it over with.
And he said, 
“you know I love you too”
He proceeded to say it 2 more times and at that point, how else do I respond?
At this point in the post, I am not sure how to proceed. 
Seriously. I just took a break.
I am 80% sure I don’t love him. I don’t know why, since he’s such a good guy and we have such a nice time together. I enjoy spending time with him and would like to continue...but love? Really? I’ve only known Africa like 6 weeks...and while I fell in love with Number 2 and PAG rather quickly it was kind of more of a love at first sight kind of thing with them. I feel terrible. Like I should tell him I don’t actually love him and that I was just caught up in the moment, that I just need some time. That’d be so mean. But I also don’t really see this going anywhere...I don’t even know if I want it to. 
This is ridiculous! My one night stand just told me he loved me while I am going home for the summer rather quickly and hoping to meet back up with my ex long distance thing who hasn’t even attempted to make contact in like 2 months. 
(PS in the morning we briefly talked about the “ignoring” which ended up really just being a big miscommunication on both our ends. Plus, he was really good about listening to me. He just said “go ahead” and let me tell him everything I felt before he even attempted to say anything. Very sweet.)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Well This is Weird.

Seriously, Africa?

I haven't heard from him all week and barely this weekend except just now a FB message regarding some movie we watched part of together. I don't care if you are tired from your exams, it's rude to not respond to people and to ignore the girl your seeing all week and then just pop in or message me like everything is ok.

And now I have to be put in this position of partially ignoring him and partially revving up to yell at him next time he reappears. How many times have I been put in this position? Why am I so nice and boys think they can walk all over me. Why is it "normal" for guys to act like jackasses all the time?

And to top it off, my throat is all swollen and sore...but not scratchy and sore like I am getting a cold...swollen and sore like I can't swallow or talk. So thats fun, probably getting sick. AGAIN. And I think I am PMSing and am so emotional!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Decisions, Decisions.

Think I could handle a little more of this?

Big news. My little school here in Slovakia offered to move me up to teaching 5th grade next year instead of Pre-K! My director said some really flattering things about me- like how great of a teacher I am and how I am kind of being "wasted" in Pre-K since it isn't even really technically a grade level. Pre-K is lovely, but it IS a lot of babysitting in the afternoons and a lot of exhausting "work" which really just involves giving 14 children A LOT of attention all day, and very little teaching. My co-workers think its a really good move for me so I don't get "stuck" in kinder and don't ever get to move up to real grade levels. Teaching a another grade level would look really good on my CV and I have taught 5th grade before and LOVED it.

Unfortunately, it means they want me to commit for an entire other year. Yeah, until NEXT June. Which makes sense for the kids. And for my CV. And everything else.

But still...

Immediately I thought of PAG and how this means we really won't get to reconnect...even though I've never heard from him again...but still (oh, I am crazy town). And if not PAG, someone else from home I could actually have a real relationship and a future with. I thought about how I am turning 26 in October. I am getting old. And alone. And the vision of me being one of those "I'm 30 and single and fabulous! But really I am lonely and sleep with people I don't love and it sucks" women. So needless to say, I freaked out.

But then everyone keeps reminding me 25/26 is young. I meet lovely people here all the time and whose to say I can't have something with someone international? I have always been pretty "Euro" anyway. Plus, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time, why would I go home and live with my parents and work at Starbucks in our crappy economy? More time to pay off my debt, save some money, and travel.

Plus, roomie reminded me that under Slovak law I can give a 2-3 months notice and still leave mid year if I want to with no repercussions. Although it would seriously effect my CV and letter of recommendation, but at least I have the option.

Another issue is the lack of language arts and history curriculum. And by "lack"" I mean there isn't any.  I don't even think they ordered any for next year. I have 6 months of Pre-K curriculum done and was planning on finishing the first 3 months over the summer so next year was going to be a breeze. I am looking to order some different ones for 5th grade, but it's expensive and a lot of work.

So we'll see what happens. They want to know my decision about the entire year by Monday. So I think I will say yes and give my notice if I need too.

Meanwhile, Africa has been weird all week. Playing the disappearing act then randomly showing up Friday before his work like nothing had happened...then disappearing again all weekend. I was kind of upset that it appeared things were ending, and now I am just annoyed.

Good weekend drinking a lot at Primi on Friday night with friends...except everyone else got WASTED and I had to take roomie home early, we had a new friend sleep on our couch, and no one knows how our other friend even got home. So you know, the usual.



Thursday, May 26, 2011

Favorite Things: I HEART CA

Big controversy over this lovely ladies set of necklaces, apparently Urban Outfitters stole her idea. Either way, I NEED one of these asap. I miss my socal. Birthday in October? 

Home for the summer so soon though!

From Slovaka with Love.

The Ex Factor

It's no surprise for some of you that I have seriously been thinking about my two ex loves lately. Not so much the randoms I've dated, just Number 2 and PAG. I think I am missing the closeness, friendship, and love we had between us. How easy it was to talk about anything or nothing. How comfortable I felt around them and in myself. How I felt like they were a part of me and how strange it is to be without them now. I think I miss them. And I don't know why all of a sudden, I have been FINE and then just these last 2 weeks I'm nostalgic.

And secretly scared I'm never going to find it again. I mean...its so special. How often is that kind of attraction and deep connection going to come around? Charlotte says you only get 2 great loves in your life, have I already experienced mine? Well, I guess we could say I've had 3 since I had a high school sweet heart too. So SERIOUSLY, three is A LOT. I feel so lucky. How could I be so lucky to have it again?

Cue the "your going to die alone" speech that rolls around in my head from time to time...ugh.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

For the Bachelors.

Plus, the fonts and design of this are just lovely. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Pretty Things: Jane Birkin

Just another pretty face...

So inspiring, she even had this named after her...

Although, this seems more her style...

A Girl Could Get Used To This.

Dancing in a sudden summer rain storm in a medieval castle? check. 

Yesterday afternoon Africa came by with a bunch of food and cooked for me, brought me fruit, translated my vitamin instructions for me, brought me cake, and then gave me amazing foot massages while we watched a movie with the roomie. YEAH I KNOW, someone isn't used to this kind of treatment and someone didn't even know how to respond. Then after he had to work but came back later to sleep with me (and make some sweet sweet loving obvi) even though he could have gotten sick. We were up chatting and laughing until the wee hours, he doesn't get off until 2am, so after we slept the morning away and had breakfast in bed he agreed to escort me up to Bratislava castle. I've lived here almost 5 months and still haven't been to the main tourist attraction.

First we went into the old city to a nice place and he bought me lunch and told me crazy Africa stories about tape worms...yeah, apparently it was quite common...then we walked hand in hand around windy cobble stone streets up up up to the castle that towers over the city. He knew the way and was my little guide. We took ancient stairs, peeked into tiny worn out churches, strolled along colored little houses, and then around the castle grounds. We sat on the bench awhile in the shade relaxing and laughing when the weather suddenly went from a balmy 77 to cloudy and cool...then it was sprinkling...then raining...then HAILING. First of all, little socal girl isn't used to HAIL in the middle of May, but ok I am getting used to weird weather. But, hiding from the rain for 20 minutes in a medieval castle overlooking the city isn't a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Afterwards we walked back down and to his restaurant for his next shift, I sat at the bar drinking fancy water and trying to get the energy back to walk the rest of the way home and we just chatted and...
it was just a really nice day. 

So why was I still thinking about PAG sometimes? And thinking about the way PAG would look at me like I was the most amazing and beautiful girl in the entire world. No one has ever looked at me the way he did. Is that something thats supposed to be instant or can just come with time? Do I even want it to with Africa? Why can't I just calm the fuck down and enjoy whatever it is we have between us right now and forget about PAG, since clearly he has forgotten about me. Maybe I am not ready for this. But I FEEL ready for this. Something is wrong with me.

So yeah...crazy is comin' round again...



Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Here we are again deathly ill for the 4th time in 4.5 months, I didn't even know it was possible to get sick so often. Damn you germy kids!  I can barely type this, but wanted to update you that...

As soon as I told Africa I was sick, he wanted to come over and take care of me right away. It was probably the CUTEST thing ever, but I declined because I am pretty contagious and he has exams I dont want him to miss study time or get sick. But he was so sweet and I was remembering when I literally had swine flu for 2 weeks and mom had just been diagnosed and had her cancer removing surgery and I was a mess, and Number 2 didn't come over or offer to do anything ONCE. He would call me a few times a day and sing me songs and be sweet on the phone, but that was it. No flowers. No visit. No soup. Nothing. At the time I believed him that he just didn't want to get sick, but nowI see the light...seriously? What was I putting up with?!

Ok, back to my fever dream...

Friday, May 13, 2011

Completely Bare.

I've always wanted to get my lady waxed. Whenever I shaved her I LOVED the smoothness if it for the first few days, and then literally wanted to kill myself because of the ingrown hairs and itching. I vowed to NEVER do it ever again and since then I just keep her neat and trimmed and we are friends again. Now that I have a steady adult job and pays decently, have men seeing her somewhat regularly, and a really nice wax here is SO cheap compared to the states...tomorrow we take the plunge.

All of my girl friends and even my mum have always said its amazing, not as painful as you think it will be, and totally worth it. So it's worth a try at least.

I think Africa is coming by after work tonight for some sweet sweet loving, so it better be good since I think I'll be out of commission for a day or two afterwards. Poor lady. She doesn't even know whats coming.



Tuesday, May 10, 2011


Still no response from the perfectly nice and mostly normal email I sent to PAG on Sunday night. Luckily I have found that I am not anxiously waiting around for a response, often I forget that I sent it. But still, lets add this to the reasons I need to MOVE ON and find someone else lovelier.

Instead, I invited Africa to a little birthday dinner at my friends house tonight. Actually, he asked how I was doing and when he could see me again and then I invited him to said event. I find myself missing him in my bed and just enjoying relaxing around him.

Roomie and I have been wondering lately if the "sparkle" we have felt with other guys who didn't work out was really anything important anyway...maybe it was all just lust. And this comfortable, sweet, home feeling with another person is just as valuable. Just very different for us.

I think its a good sign that I find myself really excited to see him in 1.5 hours...and we can't even have sex...so it really is just him. And as roomie always says, "just enjoy your time with him, its not like you have to marry the guy".

Oh future, what do you hold?



PS: rushed home because its roomies birthday today and she just heard from her new job she was supposed to start that her work permit was rejected, but instead I came home to her having loud sex so...I guess I won't be doing chores in the living room.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Lack of Sparkle.

I've been DYING to write all week, and even now I am staying up later then I should to update, but its been such a busy week and I've been extra tired...so here we are days later with my head ready to explode with thoughts needing to be put on "paper".

Africa ended up spending the evening with me on Tuesday, we watched the hockey game on TV with the roomie and again he brought me all these little food gifts and gave me massages, its so cute. He was so tender and cuddly with me on the couch, it was so relaxing and nice. In the morning we went to have some sweet morning sex when he stopped and said..."Are you ok? Did I hurt you? Because there is blood everywhere..." I was supposed to get my period soon so I assumed it was that and just played it off like it wasn't a big deal and changed the sheets and tried not to be embarrassed...but my white sheets and duvet are ruined. He didn't seem to care, and even when I said "Oh wow, this has never happened before, Im sorry, I'm so embarrassed!" he said "Why? Don't be embarrassed, It's not a big deal" And after I changed the sheets he just got back snuggled into bed and I went to work. I came home and the gross sheets I'd piled on the floor were neatly folded in the corner, all of our trash was taken out, and my bed was made. It was precious. Thats when I remembered he was from AFRICA, a little blood? Are you kidding?

Add that little adventure to the vault.

On Friday night I went out with friends and after his shift finished at 2am he met up with my friends and I at Primi. We were all already tired and ready to go home so he just took me home and unveiled MORE treats he always brings me, and we snuggled in. Saturday we stayed in bed practically the ENTIRE day. It was SO nice. Slept in until like 1...he made me lunch...then we got back into bed and read/went on the computer and talked and it was pretty lovely. He had to go to work around 6p and I had to meet up with friends so we got ready together and then separated, but he asked me to visit him at work later so I did.

Ok, so things sound so wonderful and he's SO sweet and I really enjoy spending time with him but there is this weird lack of...sparkle. You know, that sparkle you get when you are first getting to know and fall for someone? I had it almost immediately with Number 2 and PAG, but either don't feel it with Africa or every time it starts to come I get rid of it because I know this isn't going to work out and I am afraid of getting hurt again. I am not sure which it is or what I want to do about it. I am going to try and spend more time with him, because I like it and he's sweet. We'll see what happens. Honestly, I think I am also really still holding onto things with PAG. I am afraid to get serious with Africa when I really still miss PAG and actually did see a future there.

And I may have just wrote him an email...

I'm the worst.

Seriously, the WORST.

More to come...



Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Pretty Things: From Me To You

Lately I've been feeling inspired by travel pictures, maybe its my recent itching to get out of Bratislava. Found these from my Spain trip last year and forgot sometimes I am good at photography.

Feel inspired.



Monday, May 02, 2011

A Little Help From Our Friends

"Why do I continue to spend time with him?! He is the OPPOSITE of someone I would like to spend time with! I feel like such an idiot!"

Lets all remember one of my girls' wise words when we embark on spending our precious time with shitty men. He is the OPPOSITE of who you want to spend time with!

From one girl friend to another.