Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Oh, God.

Sunday night Africa messaged me at 10:30p asking if he could come over. Normally, no problem, but after not hearing from him all week and weekend besides a quick visit Friday afternoon and some spur of the moment sex, I wasn’t wanting him to come over just so I could feel bad about myself for feeling used again. Instead he came over after work yesterday, we had a nice time watching TV and moves...I made a delicious dinner...nothing special, just relaxing. Finally it was bed time and I still hadn’t talked to him about how hurt I was after being ignored all week. Kind of tough with roomie hanging out with us the entire time, which I love, but I couldn’t really discuss anything serious with him then. 
THEN something kind of ridiculous happened. I am not even sure how I am processing it. We were having some hot before bed sex...probably one of our best...when he asked me all intensely and aggressively, 

“Do you love me?”
WTF. I didn’t even know how to respond. I know how to respond if someone says, “I love you” and your not quite ready to feel that yet, give a simple “I know you do” or “your so sweet” or make up something.... But DO YOU LOVE ME? While your slapping my ass? REALLY? 
So I didn’t say anything at first. Then he quickly asked me again.
So I just said “mmhmm”
And the he kept going... “say it out loud, say ‘I love you’”
Even writing this I feel like I am going to die of awkwardness.
So I just said it. Got it over with.
And he said, 
“you know I love you too”
He proceeded to say it 2 more times and at that point, how else do I respond?
At this point in the post, I am not sure how to proceed. 
Seriously. I just took a break.
I am 80% sure I don’t love him. I don’t know why, since he’s such a good guy and we have such a nice time together. I enjoy spending time with him and would like to continue...but love? Really? I’ve only known Africa like 6 weeks...and while I fell in love with Number 2 and PAG rather quickly it was kind of more of a love at first sight kind of thing with them. I feel terrible. Like I should tell him I don’t actually love him and that I was just caught up in the moment, that I just need some time. That’d be so mean. But I also don’t really see this going anywhere...I don’t even know if I want it to. 
This is ridiculous! My one night stand just told me he loved me while I am going home for the summer rather quickly and hoping to meet back up with my ex long distance thing who hasn’t even attempted to make contact in like 2 months. 
(PS in the morning we briefly talked about the “ignoring” which ended up really just being a big miscommunication on both our ends. Plus, he was really good about listening to me. He just said “go ahead” and let me tell him everything I felt before he even attempted to say anything. Very sweet.)

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