Tuesday, August 31, 2010


So tonight with SS is all planned:) He texted me at work and we verified everything...its kind of as if someone asked me,
"Lady, what would your perfect date be?" and he answered with:

-French Restaurant for Dinner
-Watch The Life Aquatic and snuggle (don't worry, I'm bringing my red hat)
-Exchange music and look up bands for him that he hasn't heard of yet

Like, SERIOUSLY, if you know me at all by now...you know this is ME with a capital M! And I love how excited he gets to hang out with me , I get these "Its going to be fun! Im excited!" its so stinkin cute...and sad that Im not used to that. Again, Number 2 sucks.

Speaking of Number 2, last night he called me but I ignored his call (its the small victories) and then texted later with a "Hey. I need some space. Ill call you in a few days". NO response. As usual.

Song NOT to listen to when your frustrating EX rears his ugly head...again:
Gravity- Sara Barielles

Song TO listen to when your frustrating EX rears his ugly head...again:
Dog Days- Florence and the Machine

Ok, Gravity is actually REALLY perfect for the situation...but it just hurts my heart to think of things this way.

See for yourself, its pretty rough. Interestingly enough, this is the song So You Think You Can Dance used for their extremely moving "Addiction" dance. hmm...


Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Further Thoughts + Date with The New Guy

Yes, I'm still reeling from Saturday's fiasco...but I have talked to all my girls and everyone is in agreement without even knowing it, basically: I need to stop talking to Number 2. I've tried before and was succeeding until Saturday. I am fine with it, the more we talk the more this crap keeps happening and he needs to cut it out...which means I need to cut him out. Just like I told him, if he wanted to be with me he would. If he loved me as much as he says he does he would make us happen...but he doesn't. And I am trying to date SS, and I think I really like him, but of course its not the same as it is with Number 2. But maybe that's good. Number 2 and I do deeply love each other and have such hot passion and attraction for each other...but I've had it so locked away inside myself that when he sprung the "you know how much I love you's" on me the other night I was totally unprepared. Melissa brought up good points...such as, I am STILL not happy with Number 2. We have these amazing fleeting moments and then its back to me being sad and frustrated again. Why do I have something in my life that doesn't make me happy? You know who makes me happy? SS. He makes me laugh, treats me to well, invites me into his life, doesn't pressure me, everything I want. She also brought up that Number 2 and our issues aren't helping our current or future relationship with each other OR with other people. It's just a big huge road block for ANYTHING good. So I need to have this conversation with Number 2 asap...but it took me months to end things with him the first time so I think I will need a few days.

Date with the New Guy last night was ok I guess. He was ok-cute, has a real job and everything...good on paper. Plus, he does like to do fun things and seems fun. But he didn't make me laugh a ton...and he just didn't seem that into me. I mean, we had a good time...there just wasn't any passion or zing there. There wasn't a ton with SS either...but there was still a huge part of me that wanted to keep getting to know him...not so much with the New Guy. I got bored I guess. I don't know...at the end he said "we'll talk again soon" so I don't know what that means, but I haven't heard from him today so...whatever. It was just eh. Not a bad date, still fun, great restaurant and food...but just eh.

I am counting down until I get to see SS again tomorrow:) I just really enjoy spending time with him. We're going to this awesome French place we have both been wanting to try with the cafe chairs and everything! I think I am going to bring Life Aquatic for us to watch afterwards, since he hasn't seen that one and we both love Wes Anderson movies. I am REALLY pulling for a kiss/makeout...but I would be really happy with just snuggling too...especially after the Saturday Incident. Can we just start calling it "The Saturday Night Incident of 2010"? No other Saturday in my life will ever compare. ever.


Sunday, August 29, 2010

O.M.G. The Night I FAILED at life.

I'm not even really sure where to begin about what went down last night...the entire time felt like a dream sequence and even now I keep thinking, "REALLY SELF? REALLY?"

The night began ordinary enough...Heather and I went out for wine and had such an awesome session dishing about sex and the men in our lives, fantastic as always. Then SS and I texted and made plans for another date on Tuesday:) We're going to try a french restaurant we both talked about going to and then snuggle at his house afterwards...which is fine since it's midweek and he always works so early in the morning. So that was exciting!

After our glass of wine we ventured to a crowded bar of douche bags down the coast and met up with some other friends who were celebrating their sisters 21st birthday! Number 2 called me while we were out and I ignored his call, but then texted him where I was just to kind of rub it in his face that I was OUT sucka. It was about midnight and Heather was getting claustrophobic and tired, so we were on our way out...saw our friend Leah and were saying hi when suddenly I look across the patio...and who is standing there texting? NUMBER 2. I received his text a minute later, "hey I was in the area and decided to surprise you...where are you?". So I walked over and said hi...somehow convinced Heather to go home without me and that he would take care of me and not to worry...and thats when the drama began.

He said he just wanted to say hi and chat and buy me a drink, so two cosmos later I was DONE and we were flirting with each other so much we we kept saying, "this is ridiculous. we are the worst." etc. Locked eyes. Laughing. Teasing. Touching. One thing leads to another and we stop at the beach to hook up. yep, that just happened. Too bad he had been drinking and couldn't really get it up or for very long so I was pretty disappointed. But we were glad to be able to cross the beach off of our exhibitionist list. He drove me home and we talked in the car for a long time. We had the exact same conversation we have been having for almost a year,
Number 2: You know how much I love you and care so deeply for you.
Me: bull shit. if you did then you would want to be with me.
Number 2: I just have zero confidence right now after all this grad school rejection stuff, and I know I can't give you what you emotionally want.
Me: We are already "best friends" and are super attracted to each other...Im not really sure what other problem there is besides you sucking.
Number 2: Why do you think I call you all the time? I just can't stay away from you.
blah blah blah

He told me how much he loved me multiple times, how beautiful I looked, how much he hates that he can't resist me. etc.
Dont worry, I hardly believed any of it. He might really feel those things, but not enough to do anything about it. So it's pretty much a mute point.

Then I wanted to have sex again and we were just about to but I had to pee so badly and didn't want to go while we were doing it so don't worry girls, this classy lady just squats in the gutter and tries to hide it from him while he's going to the back seat so we can do it.
"what are you doing?"
"uhhhh I really had to pee"
"uh yeah, that just killed the mood"
"your ridiculous, we're not doing it now"

We were OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. I could have gone inside and come back, but was afraid he would leave-which is horrible but valid-so I just went in the GUTTER? Ladies, WHO AM I?

I'm not going to lie, looking back it was REALLY fun (minus the gutter incident), we were just laughing and laughing and have such passion and deep feelings for each other...it was so sweet and nice to be together. I don't regret staying and hanging out with him, but I do regret drinking so much and hooking up. It would have been different if we were sober, but I was so done and the sex wasn't even that good so it just doesn't sit right with me.

I was struggling with feeling a little whorish...especially since I am going on a date with The New Guy tonight and me and SS are starting to kind of really date each other (although he still hasn't made a move yet so...) and because I have been trying to hard to get over Number 2 and was afraid I would wake up and be all in love with him again because of the sex (church used to tell us sex makes you fall in love, I would like to put this up for debate). But my girls made me feel better...I mean, it certainly shouldn't be a regular occurrence or happen again unless he mans up and asks me to be his girl friend, but I'm not a whore. I am just a girl who hasn't had sex in almost 4 months and has a deep connection with my Ex. Normal. And I didn't wake up all in love with him again, quite the contrary. I was just hoping it wouldn't ruin things with SS actually. It did make me miss Number 2 though, not just the sex, just being with him is so nice and fun and I miss that. I havent seen him in like 6 weeks or so...I just miss my bud.

So there you go. Most ridiculous night of my life BY FAR. I feel apologetic for some reason...but who do I have to apologize to?

Now off to my date with The New Guy. I am so tired, but I am excited too:) I think this calls for a nap.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Good Date.

As usual we texted back and forth throughout the day...pretty much established that we're excited about spending another evening together:) I made a yummy dinner, got french bread, and brie for him (because I know he loves it), I even managed to take credit for a dessert brother made. So we met there and walked around the place, helped an old lady after she ATE IT falling on the ground, congratulated ourselves for being the youngest people there, then snuggled in for the cute old Leo Carillo movie. I'm not going to lie...we both laughed and laughed at each other...the weird announcement guy...the movie...we're really funny. And I just felt so comfortable with him...there's no pressure, It's like we've been friends forever. Our "snuggling" only consisted of us laying next to each other and at one point I encircled his arm with him...but after awhile he adjusted himself and I wasn't about to try that again. We were so close to each other talking and laughing, there were many times he could have kissed me, but didn't. Afterwards he sat and chatted until everyone had left...its like he never wants to get rid of me. Then he walked me up the giant hill to my car and we stood there talking/me waiting for him to kiss me...it was seriously like those scenes in the movies where everyone watching is thinking "KISS HER! KISS HER!" but he just doesn't push himself to do it and walks away and everyone exhales in frustration. But I have to admit, the building tension is kind of awesome, just for a KISS. And at the end he said, "well I had fun we should do this again sometime...I mean, if you want to" and of course I said, yes please.

So I think it is fair to say he is into me...he has told me before on AIM that I was beautiful (and then added, I'm sorry, is that too forward?) and when I would say something like, "well if anything we can be awesome friends" he would add "well, lets hope for more then that". SO I think he's just a gentleman? And again...something I really need right now. As much as I want to have sex, the idea of having it with anyone but Number 2 is so weird to me still. I know it will just take time, and time seems to be SS's style.

Again Number 2 texted me asking about the date...then called me and wanted to talk about it. It was weird. I think he is really into this new girl and is torn between us. I asked him not to talk about it with me, especially because its clearly going to hurt me. But the more I've thought about it, the more its obvious thats what it is. To be honost, I don't know how to have him in my life as we are now. He's obsessed with his test and school and I'm trying to see someone else and enjoy my life...I don't even know what to talk to him about anymore. All of my friends keep saying, "Your STILL talking to him?!". I try and ignore his calls and I skip talking to him throughout the week...it's gotten a lot better. Can I just throw this out there? I think he might be crazy. Literally, crazy. Why would you go after some random single mom instead of this hot piece of ass who is already "your best friend"? There has to be something wrong with you. He even asked me, "does this new guy know about me?". Uh, no? You mean, "does this new awesome guy know about your crazy ex who keeps calling you for emotional support?" Yeah, NO.

So tomorrow hopefully SS will text me tomorrow and we can plan something fun for next week:) I kept looking at him and thinking, "wow. I think I might really like you. wow. I really enjoy spending time with you. wow. you are nice to me and think Im funny. wow. we're really fun".

EXCEPT. And this could be a big except. He is DEFINITELY, seriously balding. Yeah thats right...24 years old and has a bald spot on top and a receding hairline...it's kind of tough to watch. He wore a hat on our first date, probably on purpose because he's self conscious of it, but since I've seen him in Starbucks before I kind of thought it might be an issue. But is it? It doesn't even really bother me...he keeps it pretty short so you can hardly tell. And he dresses well, is cute otherwise, and is so sweet to me I don't even care. Unfortunately I am just worried that my friends and family will give me shit about it if they ever meet him, which is awful. I shouldn't have to worry about that...and I'd like to think most of my friends just want me to be happy. If anything they are just glad to see Number 2 out of the love picture. And more and more everyday, I am too.

Sunday I have the date with The New Guy. I am nervous that I will really like him too and then have to choose between the two...arg.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Awkward Painter: "Please dont touch me, Please dont touch me"

I knew awkward painter was going to be kind of nerdy and well...awkward. So I went into it knowing this full well. As expected...he was weird...but surprisingly, I was still awesome and fun. I got tired of trying to engage him though, I had zero energy for this date after a week of craziness and little patience for someone awkward and weird. We got a drink at an awful bar, then walked around the same town and beach I did last night with SS...that was weird. I kept being afraid we'd run into SS.

I paid for my own drink...because he was too unexperienced to pull off buying it for me (I think he tried? I was too confused by that point)...plus I knew I wasn't interested in him and didn't want him to feel like I was using him for a free drink or anything. I'm not that kind of girl...I won't even flirt with a boy at a bar unless I'm actually interested. I know girls who will just do it for a free drink, which I think is horrible. But I do feel like the guy should pay for the first few dates, but I still always offer to go halfsies just in case. Last night SS paid for EVERYTHING, it was so sweet. And when we were planning our date he kept saying, "whatever you want to do, I'm good for it, don't even worry about it". So cute.

At the end of awkward painter date, he made the mistake of asking me "so would you want to do this again?" and I quickly came up with my token, "yeah, I don't know...I think I might be getting serious with another guy I'm dating...but I will let you know. I had so much fun though, thanks!". He got bummed, I could tell. But WHY would you ask that at the end of the date? Quit being weird!

You know it's a bad date when the entire time we were walking I had my hands in my dress pockets thinking "please dont touch me, please dont touch me". Because once someone holds your hand, how do you get out of it?

I had fun talking about art and getting to know someone new as always, but was ready for the date to be over after about 10 minutes of him being weird and not cute. I hate having to talk the entire time...it's too much work and I am not that interesting. I tried so hard to engage him...sigh. Good luck awkward painter, I know your awkward soul mate is waiting for you somewhere out there.


SS texted me this morning:) "soooo I had a lot of fun last night! If ur lucky we can go out again sometime:)" that last part was a joke playing on something I had said earlier...I'm funny sometimes. We texted back and forth all day like always...then later tonight "we gotta hang out again sometime, yeah?"

So I offered our original plan of going to the old movie in the park on Friday. He was SO excited about it. He used all exclamation points, it was so cute. And then asked if I was up for doing dinner too:) So the plan is, this Friday I am going to bring dinner and prob dessert and he's going to bring the wine. We're going to early to picnic and go on the free tour...
me: can we be dorky and go on the free tour before the movie starts?
SS: Um yeah, I've never been there before I'm totally down!

Then watch the cute old movie under the stars...I REALLY hope some snuggling is involved. I don't even know how to handle a boy that is so slow and respectful...it's so strange and beautiful at the same time.

BTW we just got done talking on the phone for like...2 hours too. AND HE LOVES MUSEUMS AND HIS MOM OWNS AN EMPTY APARTMENT IN NOTTING HILL!!! Yeah, this is what I'm saying. This could be a good one...besides the pot and atheist thing. arg.

Tuesday Date

SO last night was my date with SS. Um...it was really fun?! We met at a sushi place in that he had said was his fav...yeah thats right, the two vegetarians ate sushi for the night (it's both our one weakness and a rarity so suck it.) then we went to get SUPER yummy margaritas afterwards at his other fav place...mmm mangos...and went for a walk on the beach. We sat for a long time and talked there and then saw grunions! I have lived here almost my entire life and haven't seen them before! And because he was from Texas, he hadn't seen them either.

Ok, the details. He's really cute! He said he was 5'8 but I only had tiny little heels on and I was taller then him a little...so that was weird. He also says "dude" and "it changed my life!" about EVERYTHING. BUT He made me laugh a lot, I was attracted to him, and the conversation and evening was just so effortless. Even if there was a break in the conversation and we were quiet...it wasn't awkward. It was as if we'd been friends forever. We got to talk about LOST, haha. We made fun of each other. He mentioned hanging out again and how lucky he was to go out with me since I told him I'm picky. My face hurt from smiling:) Another BUT was that he didnt try and make a move on me the ENTIRE evening. Didn't hold my hand...didn't touch my back...not even a hug or kiss goodnight. So that was really weird...he's super into being respectful and sweet and was super chill about even asking me out because he didn't want to over step his boundaries. And I've told him how gross guys have been with me just trying to get into my pants. So he might have been being really careful and slow...but Number 2 and I couldn't keep our hands off each other within hours of meeting (our connection was and is like WHOA) so this was weird for me. I didn't know how to gauge if he liked me or not. Was he just being respectful and sweet or was he just not into me? If he's just being respectful and sweet then WOW am I turned on by that. If I start anything with anyone, I'm going to have to go slow because, as we all know, I'm a little bruised. So if the boy wants to go slow too...then I am IN.

DIRT: Apparently he used to be on crazy drugs and has a really rough past...hence why he smokes so much pot now. He went to rehab before but what really helped him was the pot? He told me all about his cute family and he verified when I asked how proud everyone is of him for getting his life together...he was the problem child of the 5. He also is a super big thrill seeker...he drives his motorcycle really fast, wants to swim with sharks, cliff dive, etc. I am adventurous to a certain extent, but it worries me to consider getting serious with someone who's a thrill seeker. If Number 2 were to do any drugs while we were together I would have been SO upset. If he were to have done something crazy I would have been really nervous the entire time too. When you fall for someone you don't want anything bad to happen to them...it's too heartbreaking to even think about, right?

DRAMA: Then Number 2 texts me and asks how it went...I ask him why he wants to know...he says he wants me to be happy...I tell him the guy was nice and whatever...then he tells me he wants to tell me something...um ok...apparently he really hit it off with a girl he hung out with Saturday night with his friends but assured me nothing happened...yet?
"Um. I don't really know how to respond or feel about that since I've convinced myself that we aren't together because 'ur to focused and busy' and are potentially moving. because if its anything other then that I'm going to feel like shit. so yeah."
Finally he just called me and told me he felt guilty for connecting with someone else and had been thinking about it all day. Apparently she is super dramatic though and has a baby with some guy in jail...cool dude...then he said, "I mean, if I'm going to have drama with anyone I think I want to have it with you". The conversation continued...I tried to put him in my shoes...I mean, he considers me one of his best friends, is attracted to me, we have great sex and an amazing connection with each other...but he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me for the aforementioned reasons. So for him to even think about pursuing that with someone else hurts me so much I can't even think straight. I think he understood by the end but still wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Just because you have a connection with someone doesn't mean you need to pursue it, right?

How is it possible to hate and "love" someone so much at the same time?

I am trying so hard to put my energy into these new guys even though I'm so scared and hurt. And when I do...I get this crap. frustrated.

Tonight I go out with the painter...I think it's just going to be for fun and to talk about art.

Saturday I go out with The New Guy. I am really excited about that one, he seems pretty great too. And pretty sure he doesn't smoke pot on a regular basis.

Who votes SS is going to call me? I seriously don't know.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Annnnnd the douches are surfacing...

my profile on the creepy online dating site begins with something like...
"These are really difficult to write...how do I explain that I'm educated, like to read, and discuss things without sounding pretentious...and how do I exhibit my love for sarcasm and laughing without scattered LOLs?..." then it continues and I attempt to talk about myself. Ok, I might change it someday...but it seems to be working so whatever.

Some douchebag writes me this today:

You'd sound more educated if you wrote "who's" instead of "whose" when you mean "who is"
WOW. You have serious issues when your pointing out grammar mistakes on a strangers profile. It wasn't even nice, like trying to look out for me, it was just..."your not smart, heres proof". I was going to write back something clever and bitchy, but the last thing I want to do is get into an online debacle with some idiot.

THEN this weirdo starts messaging me, and we're going back and forth kinda silly and funny messages...he asks if we can meet up some time...then I ask him to put more on his profile because he seriously has NOTHING except one picture and a tiny paragraph of sarcasm about himself...plus he's only 20 and needs some help warranting me meeting him. And HE writes back,
"oh, your one of those insecure impatient girls. nm. nice talking to u, buh bye"
literally, word for word.

OH IM SORRY I dont want to get raped but some old creeper posing as a 20 year old to lure me somewhere and put a roofie in my drink. CLEARLY IM the one with the problems.

In both instances I just delete and move on...I mean, I can bitch back at them, but I am SO much better then that. They aren't even dignified with a response.

Tomorrow I have my date with SS! I am so excited! We are both really looking forward to actually meeting each other...it will be sad if our chemistry when talking isn't there in person. I'm nervous!

Wednesday date with painter.

Friday or Saturday date with a NEW boy. Details to come.

It's not skanky to date more then one boy if I'm not sleeping with any of them right? I mean...it's all first dates...if something were to lead somewhere then I would stop seeing other people...like I did with Number 2. So no, not skanky. Just AWESOME.

Worked all day with my babycakes...dinner all night with my girls and obnoxious strangers...so tired...


Sunday, August 22, 2010


Dear Germankiss86. Its not going to happen. Nice try.

Today SS and I talked on the phone for what ended up being an hour. It was so effortless. Always a good sign. AND he made me LAUGH. I never realized how important this was to me until after my date with Drums, Number 2 asked me "did he make you laugh like I do?". It was kind of a dick thing to say on this part, but Drums hadn't made me laugh. Not once. Number 2 continues to make me laugh...even when I was (or still do get) angry at him, he was funny and it smoothed things over. SS always makes me laugh too, we even tease each other about whose funnier. OOoo we already have inside jokes.

I had to move tomorrow nights date with nerdy painter to Wednesday because my girls are going to Stone to celebrate my new job and say goodbye to Heather whose moving too far away. I don't feel a connection with nerdy painter AT ALL...and from his pictures I wasn't super attracted to him either. But I am still excited to talk to him about art and make a new friend for the evening like Drums...I'm just always afraid they'll fall for me and call and want to see me again...that's what happened last year with ONE. I was NOT feeling anything and he kept trying to call and message me for another date. Luckily I started to fall for Number 2 right then too and used him as an excuse. I don't like not calling back because I just feel so awful and hate when boys do that to me, but hurting someone is really hard, right?

Number 2 and I had an interesting convo today. Still trying to shift into the friends zone and its getting easier and easier not to crumble into a crying pile every time he says something that makes it clear hes not into me. I haven't cried in ages now. He keeps asking about my dates...and I told him I dont like talking about it with him because either reaction is going to hurt and confuse me. Either he will start to be upset and want me back or he just doesn't care which hurts even more.
me: I feel weird talking to you about this
Number 2: I know but I really am happy for you, you deserve someone who treats you right. I don't feel threatened, I am confident in myself. I mean, if I really wanted you I could get you back easily.

That last one was a little tough. Basically...I don't want you.
But I didn't get upset. I just took it in stride and changed the subject. He also said some great things about how I'm like his best friend and we should probably hang out soon...and how he clearly does care about me by pursuing being my friend. But this time I didn't take it as "HE LOVES ME!" like I used to. I just took it for what it was and after we hung up I text flirted with SS instead.

I'm trying really hard right? I'm not going to lie, it's really scary to try and like someone else. I feel pretty bruised. Which I knew was part of the bargain getting involved with anyone, so I'm ok with it. But I'm just scared of getting hurt again so soon. Luckily this SS guy seems pretty awesome...not a heartbreaker douche like Number 2. He is very gentle and sweet in how he pursues me. And is very relaxed and easy going which is totally what I need in a boy or in just a new friend. Right now I am loving how active he is...not in exercising which we have discussed before as being an issue with me, hehe. But in just exploring our city since he's new here. I have a ton of things I want to do with him because he's never done them! I was really lacking attention with Number 2...we never did anything. He didn't want to take me out to eat because I don't eat meat or dairy. He never made time for me to do actual fun things. We always just went to the movies...which was fun. (Especially that one time;) But I never realized how much I want someone to DO things with. I am very social. I need to get OUT.

This is too long.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


This is my new bestie Crash. I get to play with him and walk him everyday with the baby. I think he looks like a Margaret so sometimes I call him that. He's so funny! I LOVE MY JOB.

SS and I have continued to chat and text over the last few days. Its been really nice actually. Sometimes when I go to text Number 2 something...I purposely decide to text SS instead. Still trying to get me and Number 2 in the friendship zone as much as possible. Its still weird, because the more separation we have the more I get over him...but also the more sad I am that we aren't together. I'm assuming its just going to take time, like anything else. SS set our date for Tuesday...I asked him to plan it, so we'll see how it goes. I'm getting really excited to meet him...I'll just be sad if our awesome chemistry isn't there when we meet. I have all these fun things I want to do with him since he's new to San Diego. Plus, this guy is really into me. He is really excited to meet me and is so sweet. I'm so nervous! Annie already has tomorrow planned for us: go stalk the neighbor she likes at Vitamin World and then off to Starbucks to stalk SS. Don't worry, I vetoed.

I'm having a fantastic weekend! I'm a little tired...but am trying to get enough sleep and alone time to balance out all the fun. Yesterday was my first official day with my new permanent family:) It was long, but I had a great day with baby R. I just continue to feel SO STINKIN blessed that I have found such a sweet family, we just all adore each other. I already feel like we're family. And baby R? are you kidding? Hes totally the new love of my life. Last night the movie night was a blast with Micah and Melissa...there is just something so wonderful about hanging out with girls...let alone single girls. I just adore it. Of course the said event would have been great with a date, but I think I equally enjoy my girl time now. Such progress.

Then today Annie and I went to the Chargers game! My first one! Oh man, it was such a spectacle. HIlarious people from all over jumbled together in mayhem. We only made it to half time. But it was pretty great. Not going to lie, probably won't go again since I didn't understand or was able to see 80% of what was going on...but hey, it was free entertainment with my Annie!

Tomorrow, clean the house for titi's visit Monday. REST. and book club. Titi Bambi (my Aunt) is coming for moms LAST week of chemo. LAST WEEK!!!! By Christmas, mom should have her hair back:) It should be a good week...2 dates...I work 3 days...and titi will make us yummy spanish rice and tell us funny stories. Hope mom hangs in there though, we're all dreading Monday but excited for it to be the last stretch before the finish line.

Annie in her awesome hat to protect her sensitive ginger skin from the SUPER HOT sun. Who tailgates in the middle of summer without shade?!

Watching the game:)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hikes, Jobs, and HAWAII!!!

You may be asking yourself, WHY is there a beautiful picture of Kauai, Hawaii on here? WELL let me explain. Remember I got a job on MW for a family? And then I've been also working for this temp job whose nanny was having an emergency? WELL the temp job offered me a 30hr/week position today! Their old nanny has just been sucking and has been out for a month so they were just finally over it. But they are offering me less money per hour...and today I was on an interview for a T/TH job that I will prob get. So I would have 30hrs/week between the MW and T/TH jobs but with more hourly pay. BUT the T/TH job was 40minutes away without traffic...annnnd if I wanted to do anything with the little guy (which I do!) it'd all be at least 2 hours away. So I proceeded to freak out all day. I analyzed what to do over and over again. I was shaking at one point...and my tummy hurt at other points. Then mom helped me calculate everything out...and realized it was about the same amount of pay in the end (they were going to throw in a gas card to help bump up the pay) annnd they offered to bump up my pay after a 6 month review. So after thinking and thinking and talking to lots of different people about what to do. I just did it. I called the MW job and told her IM SO SORRY I KNOW YOU HATE ME via voicemail (thank God she didn't pick up). And I took the job with my little babycakes baby R! I love that baby so much, Im so excited to see him tomorrow. Im also super excited to see him grow up over the next year...its going to FLY by. All of a sudden he'l be eating solid foods and walking...oh man. So another perk of this job, is that. well. They are taking me to. yes. HAWAII. Kauai to be exact. What about expenses? PAID. Are they going to pay you too? YES. Will you have time off? YES. Do you love your life? YES. We go next month. NEXT MONTH.

Also, had the hike date today with Drums. Poor Drums. As soon as I saw him I knew it wasn't going to happen. Somehow he looked and acted SO MUCH like my super ex bf from high school who I am NOT attracted to at all anymore. He even talked and laughed like him. It was weird. Plus, he ended up being a year or so younger then me and was already kind of immature. Not as cute as his pictures. Wore loose levis and old middle school looking vans (not cool old ones)...and a necklace...and a bracelet...it was upsetting. BUT he was so cute and had this backpack all packed with water for each of us, sunscreen, and a veggie subway sandwich for us to share! We had good conversation, it wasn't awkward, and we just gushed about music lots. I actually had a good time, but it was more like hanging out with a weird friend...not anything romantic.

After the emotional day and SUPER strenuous hike in this horrible heat...I am DONE. I dont even know how Im going to get up so early tomorrow. But I will, because its my first day of work!!!

my body hates life.

Also...Number 2 found out about my date and kept texting me funny things. Asking about the guy. I was laughing. Then invited me out tonight, but made sure to say it would just be as friends. I said no for many reasons...including Im SO tired and have to work in the am. Then he said, "so since your dating, am I allowed to date too?"
me: I would rather neither of us were dating other people but someone in this conversation doesn't so that doesn't leave me a lot of options does it?
Number 2: (silence)
me: ok well good night...

me and SS are still chatting...i just wish he didn't smoke so much pot and wasn't an atheist. Annie made a valid point today, "So WHY are we still talking to him?"

because Im lonely and he is filling the bestie void Number 2 left.
And because Im not that invested, I can peace at any time.
so there.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hikes & Happenings

My version of a hike.

Tomorrow DRUMS and I will be going on a hike for our date at 3pm:) SO excited! and now the dreaded question of WHAT THE HELL DO I WEAR?! On a hiking date?! You may or may not know me...but I am not very outdoorsy. I love to travel and have been in some pretty extreme situations...but I was NOT happy about it. I dont like to complain, but I am fussy. However, I told him he just couldn't laugh at me when I die going up the giant hill...but he said the trail he chose is along the beach and pretty mellow...so hopefully I won't embarrass myself entirely.

As far as SS goes...look at what I received this morning:
Subject: sorry if i upset you
message: so i dont really like how things went down yesterday. your a cool person and we have so much in common. i think its a waste not to talk. i ll consider smoking less or not smoking if that would make you more comfortable. i think we should talk again. do you ?

then he messaged me while I was reading other boys who want to go out with me and asked if I wanted to talk or no? I told him I was still thinking about it. He apologized again. And I thought about it AWHILE. Then decided it couldn't hurt to at least hang out with the guy. He wasn't pressuring me to, but I dont want to just cut him off without ever having met him. We really do have a lot in common, and have great talks. And I truly think if anything, we would be awesome friends. If we were just friends he could smoke all the live long day and I wouldn't care.

Also, date on monday with the painter! Despite a semi awkward conversation tonight on the phone, I still decided to go for it. I just need to go on some dates!

So lets see...tomorrow Drums...Monday Painter...another day next week with SS. HOT COMMODITY.

I feel good about myself today.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

SS & Jobs

Me and Stoney Starbucks (SS) were getting along so well! We were chatting online lots and even made plans to go to a movie in the park next Friday. I was starting to really like him and I was excited to be his friend. Then he brought up the pot smoking thing again...and again I told him I wasn't really interested in dating someone like that. hahaha he got all defensive and freaked out and "doesn't want to waste my time anymore". He genuinely tried to convince me that since it made him happy it was ok that he smoked everyday. He was SERIOUS. I tried to be so nice about it...and told him he can do whatever he wants, its just not my thing. Based on people I know and experience. I mean...every once in awhile is one thing...but EVERYDAY?! Then he tried to tell me I was conservative and I just started laughing at that point. How immature do you have to be to try and argue with a girl (that you totally are into) that smoking everyday is perfectly fine? He was really nice and everything, I think he was mad that I was willing to just drop everything because he smoked everyday. Uh yeah...I can find an awesome guy who DOESNT smoke everyday and is happy based on other things...ya freak.

A painter and I have also been corresponding. Mostly about art and such...we have a lot in common and live in the same area. He asked if we could get a drink sometime:) I am SO busy this weekend, so I said maybe next week. Another boy is writing with me too...I am well loved Stoney Starbucks, YOUR the one who needs to get a clue.

lets see...date Thursday with Drums...Friday night movie in the park with Melissa and Micah...and Chargers game on Saturday with Annie! woohoo! Excited for the weekend!

PLUS tomorrow I have a temp job (money for the weekend!) and I was offered a long term nanny job M/W!!! yayyyy! I start on Monday! So now I am trying to secure a position for the rest of the days of the week. I'm a little irritated...just as I have decided to give up on full time nanny jobs and build up part time ones...a bunch of full time jobs came up on the sites and agencies I use. Like 5-7 jobs! There have hardly been ANY all summer! arg. Oh well, theres a lot of competition for those and I think I can snag this temp job into being long term. Please Jesus!

Tomorrow Drums should be calling about our Thursday date:)

Monday, August 16, 2010


Who has a date on Thursday with Drums?

After we texted yesterday, I was a little forward and texted him today asking how his day was. He initially said he would call me either today or tomorrow about going out. But still, I dont like texting/calling boys first so it was a big deal. Instead of texting me back, he called me back! We talked about our days and a lot about music...we have the exact same taste, which is HUGE for me. Except he loves the Red Hot Chilie Peppers and I LOATHE them for various reasons I can not get into at this time. But besides that, we had a really great conversation. And he asked what I was doing Thursday evening...so we have a date for 7!!! I told him to think of something fun for us to do and he's going to call me Wednesday with the plan. By the looks of his picture, messages, and our conversation...he seems like a genuinely SWEET guy who is totally cute and loves music and has a real job. I'm not really sure how he is single. Not really sure how to deal with this. And unfortunately, as girls will do, I feel like he's going to think I'm fat and not like me. I mean, I have confidence in who I am and I love my hot sexy body (same measurements as Red from Mad Men here), but what if he doesn't? I tried to accurately show myself in the pictures, but what if he pictures me thinner and is bummed? ARG. I need to keep remembering, "If he doesn't want me, then I dont want him!" and thats all there is to it. Besides, pretty much any boy I come across tries to get into my pants asap...so I guess it won't be a problem. But is that a sign of attraction or do they just want to touch a girls boobs?

I'm adding a cast of characters to the side panel to help keep track of everyone I frequently mention on here. If I'm missing someone, leave me a comment! I know its annoying to be behind a few posts and not know what Im talking about.


(also probably because I may have a job offer...stay tuned!)

Oh No You Didn't

Sorry for the drama in the previous post. Recently every time I drink I get EXTREMELY sad and to top it off with MEANIE pants being a jerk face...I was a mess. I woke up the next morning more than fine, still hurt, but back on the "WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?!" train and "IM WAY TO GOOD FOR THIS SHIT" bus. He called me the next day to try and smooth things over...but he didn't actually apologize and didn't want to talk about it because "hes not good with dealing with his emotions" I still dont even know why he was upset about the texts...besides his crazy response to me. Maybe thats it? Either way, it helped to kill even more of what feelings I have left for him. Of what hope I had for us someday. Do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who "doesn't deal well with emotions" and wont talk to me about things? This isn't the first time either, obviously. He'd hurt me, I'd communicate that I was hurt and why, and he'd apologize the next day and then make jokes to make me laugh or compliment me or we'd have awesome sex so I'd get distracted and fall back into being all lovey dovey. But nothing was ever resolved. Which is why we need to just be friends. Why I need to NOT call or text him when Im under the influence of alcohol...for that matter neither should he. We desperately want to be friends with each other but just keep hurting each other, which is why we try and keep our distance. I dont want to ruin what little we have left. But I also need to not care about him as much, he only serves to disappoint me.

Can I just say that I have come SO far. I am currently messaging with about 5 legit guys on the creepy online dating site. I messaged close to 10 myself trying to put myself out there...most of them didn't respond, but instead of feeling rejected I just decided to be fine with it. As my dear Melissa always reminds me, "if they dont want you, then you dont want them. done". And I have two boys who are seriously interested, asked for my number, and we're probably going to go out this week. A few more that are working up to it. Boy #1 we'll call "Drums" since he's a full time music teacher (swoon) and boy #2 we'll call Stoney Starbucks since he already told me he smokes everyday and works at Starbucks right by my house. Pretty sure Drums is a winner and Stoney Starbucks (SS for short) is going to just be a good friend. I dont do potheads. Which I told him...we IMed awhile last night, convo went somewhat like this:

SS: So do you smoke?
Me: nope. not my thing.
SS: what if it was my thing? would that change your interest?
Me: oh noooo you just lost so many points Bud
SS: I wouldnt do it around you
Me: its just very unattractive to me

we talked a little more about it. It was hard because we had so much in common and enjoyed talking to each other. But I just cant be into someone with a drug habit, it makes u stupid and dirty and I just need someone classier then that. So I think we will be friends...unless he decides to quit the habit...he tried to convince me it wasn't a habit that he just "enjoyed it". haha. yeah right.

So I'm pulling for Drums! We messaged and texted in between his music lessons...he seemed super interested and we also had a lot in common. Plus, he said he'd call me today or tomorrow. It's weird to be excited about someone else. But, I like it:)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

As if I Couldn't Get More Broken

So its 12:28am. While I wait for my tylenol PM to kick in...I cant think of anything else to help me process but this. So...today was Jesse and Jordans surprise engagement party, yay! It was pretty fun and I drank a lot...because, well, I can. I've been thinking of Number 2 all day and how weird it is that he hasn't called me all week...I havent been texted, IMed, called, or anything since the wedding. So I ventured to call him after Annie drove me home (yeah, drank too much) and we just chatted for awhile...mostly him talking about himself.

Then it came out.

Conversation goes something along the lines of...me texting him on the day of the wedding is the reason he hasn't called me all week. And he doesn't want to talk to me and essentially doesn't really care how Im doing. Please note, Im not exaggerating. I am simply paraphrasing his exact words to me. Then his phone ran out of battery which he warned me may happen. I of course started to bawl my eyes out and called Cassie all the way in Sweden because it was 11:30pm here and she's the only one awake, plus I love her more than life itself. Even now, I sit here tears streaming from my eyes as I attempt to understand how a human being can be so cruel to someone who cares so much about them. I considered the day after the wedding texts that they may have been weird and maybe I should apologize...but really, I was honost about how I felt. I shouldn't feel bad about expressing my feelings to him. And I wasn't THAT drunk at the time...OR when I was just talking to him. I was just at that point where you say what you really feel. Which I said to him earlier, "so your upset that I told you how I felt? Im not allowed to have feelings?"

And you read my posts, you can see that I have been trying not to write about him and have been trying to put myself out there and meet new people. But really. I still think about him. Not nearly as much as I used too...but I still do. And at the wedding as I thought about what I would do for my wedding...I still imagined him there. And even when I get excited about dating someone new I still think of it as being temporary because I "know" me and Number 2 will get back together eventually.

Why do I keep going back for more?
Why do I keep putting myself in a position to get hurt and disappointed by him over and over again?
Why am I doing this to myself?

And to be honost, I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that its taking me so long to get over him. That someone who has hurt me so deeply still has such a hold over me and I still let make me cry. I feel weak and stupid and powerless. And I feel so alone I almost forgot Bella was here. I almost forgot that I could have called any of my girls and they would have talked to me crying all night...11:30p or not. I always apologize over and over again to Annie whenever I have a break down, "Im so sorry Im so emotional and dramatic (insert tears)" and she always says "WHY are you sorry? DONT be sorry!" and essentially says
"I love you. your normal. Im here for you" And yet Im still embarrassed that this so called "independent woman" can be so beat down by a douche bag who treats her like shit.

Im not sure I've accurately expressed the hurt Im feeling at the moment. Im pretty sure hearing that from ANYONE would deeply wound someone...let alone the one person you have let yourself love your entire adult life. And every time he hurts me I cant even function because everything else in my life comes crashing down in my head too...mom going through chemo...not having a job or being able to teach...being broke...being alone...having so many friends be so far away...that list you push in the back of your head CRASHES into every pore of your being when he rejects you AGAIN.

I was trying to think of something to text him...but decided he didn't deserve a response from me. So thats it. Im not going to call or text him, he can just go fuck himself.

all I keep thinking is, "WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME?"

and really, there is no reason. I am perfectly wonderful. I really am.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Messages & Activity

(ugh. so not me)

I've been trying really hard to put myself out there on the online dating site thing...I've messaged probably 5-10 guys that are considered to be "matches" who are super cute and we have things in common...its actually been a lot of fun and a good challenge to putting myself out there. But only one guy has responded in the last 2 days, and I think he just wants to email and make friends (what single straight man wants to just be friends with this piece of HOT ass?!). The random guys who are weird and Im not interested in are still messaging me though, this is by far my favorite:


yeah. wow. the all caps stressed me out so much I didn't even know how to respond. But besides his profile ALSO being in all caps, he seemed like a nice normal guy. So I was nice and responded and kind of teased him about the all caps. I am surprised by how much higher the caliber of men is on the site then when I was on it last fall.

So something has concerned me...I'm not particularly "active". I mean, I try and exercise every other day and I eat healthy and everything...but I was never into "sports" and am not very adventurous in doing something like...say...scuba diving. To be honost, I get really scared because Im claustrophobic so certain things scare me and I just dont like being all sweaty and icky. Plus, Im super afraid of getting hurt and/or embarrassing myself. Ok, so all these boys are all into being active and stuff. Is it unattractive that I dont have a particular outside activity that Im into? I enjoy being outdoors...walking...traveling...hiking...sight seeing...but nothing like, skiing or surfing or running or something. Is this something concerning? Of course Im not going to just take up something so I can appear active when its just not my thing. And I guess I would be more interested in trying something with the love of my life...I dont know. Maybe I need to take up dancing or something. Ugh. Physical activity.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Shady Spot

Moving out might not work out...variety of reasons, including me not having a job and needing to save for at least a few months before I can get outta here. It'll happen...I just need to continue to be patient. Speaking of job, things are looking up! Another interview tomorrow and Ill hear back from a job tomorrow too. Both are only 2 days a week...so even if I get both (Please!) I'll still need more hours. I'm also hoping to get connected to a M/W/F job...something has to work out soon. It feels like forever...and Im so tired of being poor and bored. Its hard to enjoy your unemployment when your broke and feel so pressured to just sit and look for jobs all day that dont exist.

No online date prospects yet. None of the cute boys responded to me yet and But I have had 2 emails and these other weird "winks" from unattractive ones...which is still nice I guess.

Have been doing some thinking lately. I have time, obviously. Bella and I go for a long walk pretty much everyday...I find its the only thing that motivates and rejuvenates me...when we get to shady grassy lawns Bella jumps onto them and lays down for a rest. Its pretty much the cutest thing ever, especially because its the same lawns every time. Shady spots. During these long hot walks when you're so thirsty and tired...all of a sudden a shady spot comes up. And as long as you need to sit there, you can. Before you get back up and keep walking. I decided my summer of unemployment is my shady spot. Hardest year of my life...an extra hot and uphill part of my walk...I've needed this summer time to recuperate. Time to sleep. Read. Craft. Watch Movies. Take care of mom. See friends and family. Cook. Garden. Bake. Fall out of love.

Movies have been making my cry a lot lately. Cried at the end of Crazy Heart and Secret Life of Bees today...actually cried the entire last half hour of each movie. Since Im pretty sure its not hormonal, I think its just one of the side effects of being in a shady spot.

until next time.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


A lot has been happening, but nothing super exciting quite yet so I havent updated. First of all, I changed the background on here for a little switch up, created a twitter account, and added a counter to see how much my blog is being viewed. WHEW! 51 people in just a few days! A few of those were myself installing the changes...but otherwise, you guys are awesome! Who are you reader? Do you know me or are you strangers admiring from afar? Either way, I love you. Keep reading. Things are about to get even more interesting.

So. Something happened today. I may or may not have re-signed up for the free online dating site I met Number 2 and the other guys I dated last fall on. Besides the occasional set backs...I am really getting over him and think some dates with other men would do me some good. Plus, before the dates comes the awkward messages from boys exclaiming, "your really beautiful" and such...I can certainly deal with some of that. hehe. I sat looking at the welcome page for a really long time before actually creating my profile. So many memories. And it hurt to have to admit that I was going to date someone else. But it really is time. For now its just an in between until I can afford to join match.com which I heard is more legitimate. So what does this mean? It means more drama. enjoy.

Also: I had an interview for a job today! yay! Its just for a Tuesday/Friday job with a cute little itty bitty baby and a 5 year old. She loved me and wasn't shy about it, but said she was interviewing another woman who had tons of infant experience. But I still have a chance if our personalities match better then the other ladies. Plus, Im a teacher...and they are too...they loved that. Hopefully her friend will have other days for me M/T/W so I can fill my week. Please Jesus! I need a job so...

Im might moving out!!! Ok, its not totally official yet. But Annie and Sara want to move out of their place...I want to move...and uncles condo is available 2 blocks from the beach and 2 blocks from fun things in our little beach city. SO us 3 girls and Hammy the Hamster and Bella my doggie are looking to move in mid September into the little 2 bedroom! However, first and formost I need a job asap. And we need to check it out and make sure the 3 of us could live there without killing each other. Plus, its right by the train that goes by at 5am...I dont think its that bad and we'll get used to it...but still. Again, please Jesus give me a job!

In other news, me and Annie have been enjoying watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy the last few nights. Teen Jeopardy to be exact. And I totally dominate. We're turning into old women.


Sunday, August 08, 2010


So today T & C got married! Sooooo T is Cassies ex bf...and T's brother is my ex bf...so it was kind of weird going in. I was nervous. The people there were weird, to say the least. BUT they had open bar with wine and beer and mixers (if you had a flask...which of course I did) and I looked pretty fricken hot, so I felt ok for the most part. However...after a few glasses of wine the "why am I alone?!" and "why doesnt he love me?!" started up again and I almost cried a few times during the reception. Yeah...I was that girl. Poor Annie...she kept catching me staring into space being a psycho and wondering if I was ok. Nope, not ok...but I will be someday, hopefully. Then this happened:

Me: note to self: dont go to a wedding without a date where ur ex bf is with his gf. I feel bad about myself:(
Number 2: why
me: weddings make single girls with their ex bfs and their gfs in attendance feel ugly and like theyll be alone forever. I wish i was allowed to bring a date and make you be nice to me for a night. annnnnd Im drunk so sorry if im offensive in any way at this time.
Number 2: they are all jealous that u have a rockin smile and...*****
me: valid point. thanks.

me (later): do you not love me because Im not good at sex? I wonder this almost everyday
Number 2: no. because im selfish and didnt see a great thing and beauty in front of me
me: u break my heart everyday.

sorry Im a failure girls and texted him all drunk like. I AM THE WORST. I really do wonder if Im not good at sex and thats why things are the way they are...I wonder whats wrong with me and why he doesnt love me...I wonder how I could have been better...if I was skinnier...when Im sane I know that I did nothing wrong. That Im awesome and beautiful. That he chose the GMAT and grad school over me and thats why Im so hurt. That I made the right decision ending things because he wasn't treating me right. That I am worth more than that. But weddings and wine and ex boyfriends make it so damn difficult to be sane.

Annie and Jordan looking HOT

Me and the GROOM! Love it!

"Its just hard to go to a wedding and go to a wedding with your ex boyfriend and his new girl there"- Me
"yeah, but your not alone, your with your girls!"- Cassie

Love them

Saturday, August 07, 2010

The Conversation.

Interaction with Hotty McNeighbor.

This is how it went according to me:

him: hey! your looking good!
me: YOUR looking good!

Actual conversation according to Annie who witnessed said event:

him: hey! you again!
me: YOUR looking good!

Besides that, apparently this morning Annie and the roomies all witnessed him walking a girl down the stairs on her walk of shame and then he turned back to flash all my friends a huge smile. Soooooo pretty sure this ones not going anywhere. I even considered "lowering" my standards for someone who isnt necessary SO super hot, but seemed sweet and like he would be nice to me so it was ok (think, Shes out of your League...not, damn this girls a bitch). Apparently even when I do that it doesn't work out.

In other news, Number 2 keeps calling, texting, and IMing me. And of course its NEVER the conversation I want it to be, "I miss you, I want to be with you, Im sorry, Im going to change because your worth it". No. of course not. Its always to just talk about his stupid GMAT or grad school or something...which ok, I do care about his life...thats just not the conversation I want him to call me about. And then lately I went to see Inception with a male friend of mine, and Number 2 got all fussy because apparently he wanted to see it with me and acted like we're movie buddies...which we were...WHEN I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME AND WANTED TO BE WITH ME. But now? I'm supposed to just wait around for him to invite me to things? so frustrating. and its even harder because I still have feelings for him. I still really want to have sex, and only with him. I still want to move somewhere with him. I still...want to marry him...ok, still (love) him. But dont tell me that, because Im getting over it. Slowly but surely. Its just really hard when he keeps calling and flirting with me all the time.

dear boys, as usual...you suck.

Friday, August 06, 2010

The Makeout

So, yes I'm going through a post-my heart is broken-I am so lonely-time in my life. And yes, this means I flirt with any cute and single boy and have made out with 2 stranger boys in like...3 weeks. Which isn't totally uncommon for some girls my age, but for me and many other girls my age, it is. Recall Hotty McNeighbor boy who lives upstairs from Annie...who never asked for my number...and whom I've seen twice since then and he always says hi and "good to see you!" and whatever...but still hasn't asked for my number or invited me or us to come and hang out. And note, we didn't JUST make out...we talked the entire evening about a variety of things...he even used the line, "so...what do you like in a guy?" (BTW is this a line or is this legit? I feel like hes not cool enough to pull a line like that)...and, "this is so funny, dont people usually try not to talk about politics and religion on the first date? and here we are." so there was some reference about this resembling a first date. we talked all evening and only made out for the last...oh...30 minutes on and off. So it wasn't just a drunken kiss fest (like the brazilian;). So now I am wondering...girls, are we doing this backward? Are we making out with boys BEFORE an actual date and then expecting something afterwards? I mean, its not sex so its not at all the same...but maybe my problem was expecting something from this. I mean, kissing Brazilian in the night club was one thing...of course I don't expect anything from that...but kissing a boy you chatted with all night and was super into you is totally another, right?

I accidentally told my mom we didn't just talk all night, that we also made out...she was so concerned it was so cute. "Now aren't you taking things backwards? I mean...you don't want to appear...loose" Yeah...actual words of my mother. HIlarious. (Especially since I was the opposite of "loose" when someone wanted something more but this someone said, "NO, Im a lady!")

But culturally nowadays does the make out come before the dates or vice versa? Does it matter? Should I stop making out with boys I actually want to date me? How do we feel about turning my brain off and just seeing what happens? Because GOOD LORD I get tired of overanalyzing.

PS update on events:
-did P90X with Annie yesterday right around quitting time with all the windows and doors open just in case SOME PERSONS decided to come home while we were kicking and punching all sweaty-like.

-the one room mate we DIDNT make out with asked Annie to sew on his button just now (so cute) and then invited us to the races with them this evening. But it was more of a "we're going to the races, you should come!" invite...which doesn't really count. And wasn't from either said boys. Plus I have awesome plans tonight I do not plan on breaking.

-Told Annie to be brave and invite them for a BBQ tomorrow night since they have a BBQ and we have a patio and we've already discussed the marriage that should take place. We'll see what happens.

Until next time...


Thursday, August 05, 2010

Negligee, Chapter Titles, & FB stalkers.

A Couple of Things

Due to my recent unemployment I've been having a love affair with magazines...ReadyMade, Elle, Glamour, Relevant, Interview, W, and the 2 I got from the library for 50cents Harpers Bazaar and Cosmo. Now, I have never really been into Cosmo...it seemed so trite, over sexualized, and low class compared to say...Elle. But oh man, for some reason after this random issue I picked up I am totally in love! It was like hanging out with my really fun girl friends talking about sex, health, fashion, and even unemployment and relationships...plus it was such an easy read I could just turn my brain off and enjoy. So this issue had this big article on things to do when your feeling blah...or something like that...one of them was about getting ready naked in your room and leaving the windows open...or some such, not all the time, just when you want to feel a little sexy and naughty. I get ready naked anyway with the windows kind of open, so instead I decided to try something else fun. Wearing my sexy negligee to garden in my semi private back yard, take out the trash in the front, when I let the dog go the the bathroom in the front. I wear them to bed and around the house, but I used to put on a sweater or sweat pants when I went outside. Not yesterday! Yesterday was a good day! I recommend you trying it.

Yesterday Micah and I were discussing what determines success in a relationship and how it should be a chapter in our book.I've been thinking a lot about it. Is it how the relationship was DURING or how it ended? If its based on how it ended then most of us would have failures unless we're married...but if its based on how it was DURING...how he made you feel, how you grew, a sweet friendship you got out of it, reaching a new level of intimacy in your heart, being in love and all the joy that comes with it, or just getting some good hot sex...then maybe a "successful" relationship isn't determined by how it ends. I've been thinking a lot about this. Maybe us girls need to redefine how we look at our past relationships. Maybe they didnt all end well, but was the ride worthwhile? Reminds me of the quote I have on a cute postcard in my room,

Today I logged into my FB and surprise! A new stalker awaited me! I had a message with the subject line being "wow..."
here is the message:
"I was looking at who was going to the SD Bike Polo event and... well... I didn't mean to facebook creep you, but your pic really caught my eye. So, excuse me for being forward. Wow... you have a very captivating look."

So this guys profile says hes from Az, which makes no sense why he would message me if he actually wanted to meet...so it appears to just be a really nice stalker. Plus, he was kinda cute.

Thank God for random boys who boost your self esteem.


Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Hotty McNeighbor

So just when I think my self esteem couldn't get any worse, boys start falling in love with me at every turn! And keep telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and a sweetheart! What do I even do with that?!

The events: So Annie has a not-so-secret crush on one of the boys who live above her...imagine an apartment full of boys our exact age who are all manly and build things and such...so naturally she got drunk and baked them cookies. And naturally they invited us up for drinks and to hang out. And naturally Annie continued to get drunk to the point that she was a crazy person, and I was pretty much sober after just a few glasses of wine...so she was the crazy fun silly one and I was the witty sexy mysterious one. A role which I play well. So while Annies trying to get all up in the grill of her crush, I just talked and flirted with the other 3 boys who live there. Lo and behold they all pretty much LOVED me, they kept complimenting me and wanting me to stay even if Annie peaced out. The drunk one kept calling me a sweetheart and beautiful and kissed my cheek a few times, haha. Honestly, it was EXACTLY what I needed. One in particular, lets call him Hotty McNeighbor, couldn't keep his eyes off me. And then started sitting real close...then put his arm around me...then put his hand on my leg...all while we were talking about politics and religion and his family and job...I was surprised how comfortable I was talking with him even though I had just met him. He pretty much won me over when he told me he built the furniture in his room, works for fun on Sundays at a farmers market in Santa Monica, and has all these beautiful nieces and nephews hes clearly in love with. Plus more than once he called me sexy, beautiful, and gorgeous. So hes got that going for him. So talking turned into kissing...and then more talking...then more kissing...and things were going so well! He seems like an actual NICE guy who I think would treat me well and take care of me. But then drunk Annie needed me to put her to bed and I knew if I stayed things would get a little too hot and heavy...so I went home like a nice girl. Unfortunately in the scramble he didn't ask for my number. But he knows how to find me. So Miss Mysterious remains intact.

Meanwhile...tomorrow Im going out with a guy who Im not sure if we're dating or are just friends. Last time we spent together was a little weird for me...conversation didnt flow and I couldnt tell if he was into me or not and it was really confusing. I come from a world where you dont really have guy friends, either they're your boyfriend OR you have your girl friends but thats it. And Im fine with that. Why would a guy want to be a girls friend if he didnt want to fuck her? It'd just be a waste of time. Doesnt make any sense to me. He invited me to hang out last week too but I was at the Padres game...so 3 weeks in a row hes wanted to get together on his day off. Thats someone whose into you right? We're going downtown for happy hour somewhere and then he has other mysterious activities planned. Im just excited to hang out with him again and see what happens. But most importantly, I just DONT know what to wear.


Sunday, August 01, 2010

Caught. Fantastic.

Had such a fantastic weekend! listened to free blues in the park with my girls, Mom and I met Tori Spelling at her book signing (yeah, we're cool like that), an evening of playing cards with my girlies and the momma, and then today I spent with Kelsey shopping it up at the Nordstrom anniversary sale. AMAZING find of a NON wool winter coat with a hood. Barely buttons over my huge boobs, but I got it anyway. I really really need one and need to accept the fact that nothing will fit over those suckers and then slim correctly over my smaller waist. Oh the woes of being an hourglass bombshell;)

Spending time with the loves of my life was exactly what I needed...always trying to keep busy with happy things and not wallow in my depression of being unemployed-broken hearted-mom on chemo-all my friends are far away-broke-BLEH.
Much more fun to laugh and love<3

A Moment: We were just finishing up the jazz festival and we were all talking and laughing...I may have drank half a bottle of delicious red wine but was ok for the most part. Then, without warning, a flood of emotions overwhelmed my heart and Annie caught me staring into space with a look like I was about to cry. Probably because I was about to cry.
"aww whats wrong, you just got so sad"
"ohhh yeah...sorry...that happens sometimes...there is a lot to be sad about...Im fine...sorry"

Want to know what I was thinking?
What five words I've been echoing in my head when I dont even realize it?
What keeps me up at night?
Out of everything going on in my life, what won't leave me alone?

Why doesn't he love me?

Even now I get teary eyed because all of my pain and hurt ultimately lead to that question every time.
I mean really, why?
I just keep reminding myself how awesome I am and that someone out there will realize that and treat me right, I know it will happen. But for this moment. This echo. It just really hurts.

This week is our 2nd to last chemo week for the momma. I haven't written about this AT ALL because the blog wasn't anonymous and I wanted to respect my moms privacy, she doesn't want it all over FB. But now that we're here. I've written a little blurb about it here if you want to know more. So besides being at the clinic all day this week, I've decided to try my hand at quilting. I've been meaning to take my old band shirts and make them into a quilt for using for picnics and such...I dont know how to quilt of course, but I sure am going to try. I dont even know how to sew. And Im going to have to conquer my fear of sewing machines. So it should be interesting.