Sunday, August 29, 2010

O.M.G. The Night I FAILED at life.

I'm not even really sure where to begin about what went down last night...the entire time felt like a dream sequence and even now I keep thinking, "REALLY SELF? REALLY?"

The night began ordinary enough...Heather and I went out for wine and had such an awesome session dishing about sex and the men in our lives, fantastic as always. Then SS and I texted and made plans for another date on Tuesday:) We're going to try a french restaurant we both talked about going to and then snuggle at his house afterwards...which is fine since it's midweek and he always works so early in the morning. So that was exciting!

After our glass of wine we ventured to a crowded bar of douche bags down the coast and met up with some other friends who were celebrating their sisters 21st birthday! Number 2 called me while we were out and I ignored his call, but then texted him where I was just to kind of rub it in his face that I was OUT sucka. It was about midnight and Heather was getting claustrophobic and tired, so we were on our way out...saw our friend Leah and were saying hi when suddenly I look across the patio...and who is standing there texting? NUMBER 2. I received his text a minute later, "hey I was in the area and decided to surprise you...where are you?". So I walked over and said hi...somehow convinced Heather to go home without me and that he would take care of me and not to worry...and thats when the drama began.

He said he just wanted to say hi and chat and buy me a drink, so two cosmos later I was DONE and we were flirting with each other so much we we kept saying, "this is ridiculous. we are the worst." etc. Locked eyes. Laughing. Teasing. Touching. One thing leads to another and we stop at the beach to hook up. yep, that just happened. Too bad he had been drinking and couldn't really get it up or for very long so I was pretty disappointed. But we were glad to be able to cross the beach off of our exhibitionist list. He drove me home and we talked in the car for a long time. We had the exact same conversation we have been having for almost a year,
Number 2: You know how much I love you and care so deeply for you.
Me: bull shit. if you did then you would want to be with me.
Number 2: I just have zero confidence right now after all this grad school rejection stuff, and I know I can't give you what you emotionally want.
Me: We are already "best friends" and are super attracted to each other...Im not really sure what other problem there is besides you sucking.
Number 2: Why do you think I call you all the time? I just can't stay away from you.
blah blah blah

He told me how much he loved me multiple times, how beautiful I looked, how much he hates that he can't resist me. etc.
Dont worry, I hardly believed any of it. He might really feel those things, but not enough to do anything about it. So it's pretty much a mute point.

Then I wanted to have sex again and we were just about to but I had to pee so badly and didn't want to go while we were doing it so don't worry girls, this classy lady just squats in the gutter and tries to hide it from him while he's going to the back seat so we can do it.
"what are you doing?"
"uhhhh I really had to pee"
"uh yeah, that just killed the mood"
"your ridiculous, we're not doing it now"

We were OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. I could have gone inside and come back, but was afraid he would leave-which is horrible but valid-so I just went in the GUTTER? Ladies, WHO AM I?

I'm not going to lie, looking back it was REALLY fun (minus the gutter incident), we were just laughing and laughing and have such passion and deep feelings for each was so sweet and nice to be together. I don't regret staying and hanging out with him, but I do regret drinking so much and hooking up. It would have been different if we were sober, but I was so done and the sex wasn't even that good so it just doesn't sit right with me.

I was struggling with feeling a little whorish...especially since I am going on a date with The New Guy tonight and me and SS are starting to kind of really date each other (although he still hasn't made a move yet so...) and because I have been trying to hard to get over Number 2 and was afraid I would wake up and be all in love with him again because of the sex (church used to tell us sex makes you fall in love, I would like to put this up for debate). But my girls made me feel better...I mean, it certainly shouldn't be a regular occurrence or happen again unless he mans up and asks me to be his girl friend, but I'm not a whore. I am just a girl who hasn't had sex in almost 4 months and has a deep connection with my Ex. Normal. And I didn't wake up all in love with him again, quite the contrary. I was just hoping it wouldn't ruin things with SS actually. It did make me miss Number 2 though, not just the sex, just being with him is so nice and fun and I miss that. I havent seen him in like 6 weeks or so...I just miss my bud.

So there you go. Most ridiculous night of my life BY FAR. I feel apologetic for some reason...but who do I have to apologize to?

Now off to my date with The New Guy. I am so tired, but I am excited too:) I think this calls for a nap.

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