Wednesday, August 29, 2012

It's All Happening.

Holy Crap.

It's September.

I turn into a mommy and pre-wife in 3 short months.

THREE MONTHS to buy all of our kitchen stuff...organize my shit in the garage...lose 30lbs...find an apartment...get a new car...prepare to be MUMMIFIED (yeah thats right- that just happened).

Perhaps not surprisingly I find myself flip flopping from being SO EXCITED to freaking out every other day. There's been more then one whine to boyfriend,

but I'm just afraid somethings going to happen and we are going to be stressed out and you're going to leave meeeeee

All said very fast and high pitched. To which he replies something to the tune of:

quit being crazy. I love you- ya nut. 

I think boyfriends should consider just recording this and replaying it for us every time we hit our crazy button again.

Nothing between us has gotten any less lovely, I think our long time a part just has me worrying if it will translate to when we are actually together again. Which is understandable. I was the same way before we saw each other in June but I remember being with him and our little buddy and could not remember EVER being that happy ever in my life. And it just lasted for days and days. The entire time we kept looking at each other and saying, "BABY- WE GET TO DO THIS FOREVER?!" Fast forward to us wisely choosing to live with each other once he's here...but now that we've been a part for 3 months...and have only 3 more months to go, of course the doubts on occasion are settling in. But whats worse is imagining us trying to manage the move and our lives and not be living together. After being a part for so long I can't imagine not waking up with him everyday, we've been starved of any physical affection for A YEAR. I somehow don't think I'll mind being flooded with it all at once...of course it'll be an adjustment, but a good one.

However, as much as I am dying for him to be here- I am trying to appreciate the last of my single lady status too. Enjoying getting ready in the morning quietly and with no one groping me the entire time (which although fun and hilarious, while trying to get out the door for work? Maybe not always), being able to do whatever I want to after work and on weekends and don't have to consult with anyone about it or arrange for child care, spending extra money on myself and not household or baby needs, etc.

Learning so many lessons about appreciating where I am in life at the present moments.

God has me at this job, living with my parents, waiting for my love...all for a reason.

Time to dig in and engage in everything happening around me instead of waiting for this magical time when my love will be here, we'll have our own place, some job thats not stressful and I love all at the same time! These things will all happen eventually, but I need to work on being happy where I am now. 

Gosh it's just so tough sometimes.



I'm Back!

I've been dying to write lately!!!!

So much has been on my heart and mind, I keep making mental notes Oh, I should write about this because I know it makes me feel better (and keeps you entertained apparently) but I've been so overwhelmed with work and getting a handle on another new schedule...where to fit in cooking and exercising...maintaining my long distance and appointments- it's never ending. Sadly, I don't think it's getting better any time soon, but I am working to get a better handle on things at work and am making time to take care of myself so I don't go completely crazy.

I feel like I've been on overdrive since graduating high school. Every semester of college was stressful and busy while I maintained school full time and worked part time...then the teaching program which was a nightmare...then the years of SUCK...then moving to Europe and adjusting to life back and adjusting to another new career and way of life again. It's felt like constant upheaval with bouts of relief of travel sprinkled here and there.

I've recently begun to freak out a little.

Is this how its always going to be? Constantly running around stressing about a long long list of things to do that are all important. Work is like that all day and after work has always felt the same way. The routines I create are dashed within a few months and I have to start all over again. No wonder I'm burnt out on life and resort to alcoholism. I see these people doing fun things on the weekends all the time or if go ANYWHERE in socal in the middle of the day and its packed...don't you have jobs? How do you have time/energy to do all of this right now? By the time I have a chance to sit down- I'm exhausted everyday (even though I eat healthy and exercise!).

All of that to say I've realized my passion is writing but I don't have time for it. And when I say that I don't have time- I mean it (I'm yawning right now and its only 7:30pm). But since this IS my passion, and I've realized that it's something I'd rather be doing instead of my day job for realsies...I am going to try my DAMNEDEST to make it work- even if it means staying up late some nights. Because apparently thats what we do for things we are passionate about.

More to come.



Sunday, August 19, 2012

Why Hello Ms. Migraine.

I am not one to get migraines. In fact, if we are being honest I hide my female friends on Facebook who are always posting about having them. Not that I doubt they get them, but why are you constantly posting on Facebook about it? So now other peoples migraines tend to annoy me? This is getting weird.

Anyway, today upon waking after plenty of sleep I felt awful. Maybe it was because I haven't exercised for 2 days, or maybe it was the GIANT lobster lunch I had yesterday (it was amazing though, really)...either way my entire body hurt and I just couldn't snap out of this weird sleepy out of it feeling. To make a long story short, by about 12:30 despite my best efforts it came and conquered. To the point that I had to leave work and almost threw up crying all the way home. AWFUL.

This made me realize the truth behind it all:

Damn girl, you really are too stressed out. You need to calm the hell down. 

I can't pin point exactly what has been causing me to have such a hard time relaxing. But work has been really stressful and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, after telling my boss last week I was overwhelmed and almost cried in her office...this week I was somehow volunteered to take on another HUGE project management task?! Now not only is it more work I don't have time for, but it's more of the project management stuff instead of PRODUCT management which is more what I want to be doing (and was told I would be doing). Instead, I just feel like the development teams administrative assistant bitch just updating their work items, making spread sheets, planning meetings, BLEH. Product management is more creating products, talking to clients about what they want and turning it into documents and projects. Instead I am still having the projects handed to me and the developers, then end up just doing the admin for them while they are being worked on. My "to do" list is always super long and everything on it is important. So yes, work has been frustrating. Plus, SUPER BUSY AND CRAZY...which isn't always typical but for some reason just has been lately. I'm not the only one. We're all stressed out there right now. Hoping things will calm down soon...but soon is still nowhere to be found.

Ok but besides work, everything is fine? Of course being in a long distance relationship isn't easy and sometimes ends up being more draining trying to catch up with each other despite our schedules and the time change...but he fills my life with so much joy I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I don't know whats wrong exactly besides what I yelled crying home in the car today:

I just feel like work sucks up ALL of me and then I have nothing left for myself, friends, family, or anything!!! WAHHHHH.

So I have been exercising and relaxing in the evenings and weekends to try and offset my busy week days. Attempting to eat healthy most of the time. Take my vitamins. Etc. Somedays are better then others.

And no, unfortunately I can't blame hormones.

But speaking of hormones...Today I went for my yearly gyno and got started on the process of getting my IUD! WOOHOO! Found out some pretty awesome (and some not awesome) things about it including 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, good for up to 5 years, as soon as its removed you are fertile again, and after a few weeks or months of spotting you get maybe 2 periods a year with it!!! Plus my insurance will pay for a lot of it, plus if bf splits it with me then thats the cheapest 5 year birth control I've ever heard of!

However. Tipped the scales at the doctors today. Back up to 200lbs. HOLY CRAP HOW DID THAT HAPPEN. Now a little of that can be bloating and the ridiculous lobster lunch yesterday...but not much.

SO this weekend has been dedicated to...wait for it...


Yeah I know. Not very fun. BUT I just printed the August low fat/weight watchers menu from Once A Month Mom and did all of my shopping and veggie cutting last night and it wasn't so bad. In fact, it was actually kind of nice to do something I enjoy (shopping and cooking) without being tired, crabby, and starving after work (bonus! everything for almost an entire month only cost $120 BOOM!). However, today is the big cooking day so we'll see how that goes. As weird as this sounds I feel like I am preparing to be a mom this weekend. I found their menu for a month of toddler friendly foods and bookmarked it for when my boys get here, then got SUPER excited about their healthy kid friendly options (little Mac n Cheese cups! Home made french toast sticks! Corn dog cups! Come on, how can that not be SO cute). And I have to say, boyfriend lets me tell him all about it and I think just continues to fall more in love with me as I've opened my entire heart to not just him- but his mini me too.

And the more I think about it, the more I know God has been preparing me for this. For this man and this little bear. The girl who loves children and finds "raising" them effortless and enjoyable. Who wanted to adopt a bunch of babies. Not every girl would be able to jump into something like this...especially with all of the baby mam drama (which has been non existant lately btw, as we wait for her to get subpoenaed). And I am NOT perfect and struggle sometimes with different aspects of my life I am going to be giving up...but especially after spending a week with those two in June- it really is going to just be wonderful. Different. But wonderful.

In fact, you should probably be following my New House pin board here. IT'S AWESOME and most everything on there I AM going to get, so its not as much an inspiration board as it is a book mark of purchases to make board (hehe).

More to come later after the epic cooking day...boyfriend has made some interesting future life career choices known to me which has left me struggling to say the least.

Enjoy your Sunday.