Friday, December 30, 2011

Pretty Things: More Love

Oh you know how I get when I get all lovey dovey...



The Long Awaited Christmas Gift

I don't know if it's been obvious or not, but neither birthday boy or I have even so much as kissed another person since we were last together in October. That's kind one of the reasons we knew we liked each other actually... separately neither of us took the opportunity or pursuit of any other people because we secretly didn't want to ruin what was happening between us. We were also having a hard time trying to imagine someone following up what we had shared together. I remember the night I got back from the club and wrote him,

"oh noooooo, you know I like you when I won't dance with anyone else at the club because it feels weird since its not you!"

He laughed and said, he felt the exact same way. It's to the point that even if we're out we don't even notice anyone of the opposite sex anymore...we're just kind of bummed the other person isn't there. Yeah, that happened.

So yes, that means little Miss Horndog (new "affectionate" nick name Annie gave me today haha) has willingly, and somewhat easily, abstained from any kind of sexual or even intense flirting activities since the first weekend in October. I suppose it wasn't very difficult...just recently it has been as the anticipation of seeing him grows and the need for the normal amount of positive male attention strengthens, but otherwise it almost just seems obvious. I mean, of course I don't want to flirt with that random guy when MY guy is so much better and we're crazy about each other. And WHY would I want to have any kind of meaningless sex with random when I could just hold out a little and have the best EVER and sweetest EVER with my guy? But it also means that sometimes I don't even want to go out and would rather just be home talking to him, teehee.

So I realize that 3 months isn't very long for some people, but for me it VERY MUCH is. I insisted that we make the first day he's here a continuation of our last rendezvous in Bratislava which was basically amazing days of what he likes to call "naked movie day" where we just laid in bed and laughed and talked and watched movies naked while intermittently having a lot of amazing sex. Seriously, so much fun. We're STILL referencing jokes and fun things that happened during that sweet time together. So from the airport on Tuesday we're going straight to Hustler for funsies and then to the hotel...only to emerge for dinner in which I'd like him to try some Mexican food (obviously) and bring it back to our room to eat...back in bed. He even has the movie list completed of what we're going to watch together because he's so excited.

If I am able to walk after Tuesday, on Wednesday morning we're going to the zoo (which was all his idea and again, he's SO excited, its really cute) then up to my parents house for the family/friend dinner event. Somehow Cassie and Annie got invited and now I feel like I am going to be SO embarrassed somehow...although Annie did promise "I won't mention the lazy eye when you're tired issue or..." so that was 'encouraging'. Plus I asked my mom to make rice and beans and Spanish hamburgers...which I didn't realize is going to make for a ROUGH rest of the evening in my body. Better pack some zantac or good Lord is he going to get to know me well. And Thursday (if Im not still in the bathroom) he wants to go to SeaWorld! Obviously I didn't argue. AND After a little research it looks like he gets in FREE for military to both places! And I think Melissa's gift of my fake wedding ring will come in handy so maybe the free spouse thing can work too. Who else would abuse the military personnel discount? Do you not know me by now?

PS Update on my silliness. I told birthday boy about my worry's of him going home and forgetting about me. He basically laughed in my face with a "Why on earth would you ever think that?! I am counting down until we are together!" answer and I called it a day. Still working on trying to stay present without getting too attached and ending up hurt at the same time. It's really "fun" to try and balance all of that as usual.





Wednesday, December 28, 2011


I really couldn't be happier with my decision to move back. I know its the holidays so things are more lovely than usual, but my welcome home has just been amazing. I forgot how FULL my life is here. In Bratislava I was so lonely, bored, and frustrated all the time. But as soon as I come home I have so many options of things to do and people to see. I haven't been cuddled and loved on by so many people in so long...I keep sitting in it and enjoying. Even just to be sweet to me now.

One of the things I did learn in Bratislava though, was how to be alone and be ok with it. I am so much more independent now and ok with doing things on my own...I even like it most of the time. And not just errands or regular activities, just even things I enjoy. Going alone to a cafe, museum, or book store that my friends might not share an interest with me in doesn't really bother me anymore. In fact, I kind of like it. Especially after having to engage all week with the kids...I am pretty socially drained after that and welcome the solitude.

So here are some snippets of my welcome home...

Crappy cell phone pictures of my beautiful 2 dozen roses and then the chocolate covered strawberries the next day from my birthday boy

Christmas eve decorating the tree with my family and then a big delicious dinner with my aunt, uncle and babycakes

Christmas day with my awesome family. I was SO tired from waking up at 3 because of the time change...we just relaxed and enjoyed each other all day. Mom and I even took a long nap in the afternoon before the big delicious dinner- perfect.

Day after Christmas wine tasting with my awesome family. 
SO MUCH FUN and such a nice treat from them.

*note the huge band aid on my poor knee. We've been discussing her needing to be healed by next week when birthday boy comes. This is serious business.  

I had my old girl friends over last night for a wine and appetizer affair and OH! It was SO SO SO fun!!! Of course there is a normal one of us, but this is just so much more realistic. 
Oh how we laughed...

But then I mixed gin n tonic with too many glasses of wine and am now bedridden for today. I was supposed to go help one of my many engaged friends with her wedding prep today, but apparently standing up still isn't a good idea...

So many more fun things to come! I am so happy to be home.




It would appear that my jealousy turned into crazy as I pondered the quote,
"jealousy is nothing more then fear of abandonment"

Yesterday I realized I'm actually just afraid of birthday boy going home and reconnecting with his ex. I would make sense since they were together for years (even though it was mostly long distance the entire time), have a child together, and she still loves him.

Battling this level of nervousness is difficult. I am trying to remind myself how he talks about her, almost like hes disgusted by her. From the sounds of it (and looks of it), she's a pretty ridiculous person and his own words to me even were "she's a good mother, she's just not a good person". Plus I keep trying to remember how head over heels he is for me. He's paying all this money to come out to see me and is SO excited, sent me 2 dozen roses and 2 boxes of chocolate covered strawberries for Christmas (I know, omg), and even emailed me today to let me know he got in ok and he'll be calling me later. So I suppose my fears are warranted just based solely on the situation, but when I make myself calm down and actually think about HIM and I and US when we talk and are together- I know I am just being ridiculous.

It's such a weird time in our lives. Everyone is working these odd jobs as stepping stones to the one they really want, even though we've already graduated we still don't have any money, everyone is getting married or having babies and their stories are so unique with how they they kept the relationship going even though they were both moving around for work or they dealt with each others past relationship/money/family baggage. There really is no picture perfect life out there. I see people trying to make it perfect and find them so silly, but then why do I continue to do it too?

I feel like one of my life long battles, what I will have to continually ask God to help me with again and again- will be living and enjoying the moment instead of WORRYING so much about the future. Why can't I just enjoy what birthday boy and I have right now instead of obsessing about the future? Am I happy with how things are right now- YES. Is it what I idealized for myself? no. But its ok because I'm still happy right now.



Tuesday, December 27, 2011


"Jealousy is nothing more then a fear of abandonment"

Jealousy creeps up on you like a cold in winter. One minute you're a little sneezy and colder then usual, and the next you're in bed moaning with a fever and coughing up your lungs.

I've found jealousy behind my odd outward feelings before.

...I love her and am so happy for her, why did I get so annoyed with all her wedding bullshit? Oh yeah...because I guess somewhere inside I sure do wish I was the one getting married.

or the more recent:

...why am I obsessing about birthday boys ex girlfriend and baby they have together?

Took me awhile and some tossing and turning to realize what it was. And I don't think it helped that I stumbled (YES stumbled) on her facebook page where she still has pictures of them together. One of them together in of her holding an "I love..." of them all together with the caption "my little family", etc.

Now my "crazy" detector went off when I saw how OLD these photos were (circa 2009 and beyond), and I trust him when he says they've been broken up for a year and besides that were on the verge for even longer, and that she still loves him. Of course she does, who wouldn't love a great guy like him who you have your child with? And how can I be upset when its not his facebook page. Besides that, his family are SO excited about me and can't stand her so I don't have to worry about that. Plus...ok I am going to be really mean right now but once again, its my blog and I can write what I want...but the poor girl is extremely unattractive. I now know why he thinks I am just SO beautiful. Good God. Ok, got that out...moving on...

After going through all of this...and making a personal rule I am no longer allowed on her FB page...I realized what was really going on.

It was fucking jealousy.

And it was a bit understandable I suppose. But when I force myself to look at my life with him in the future I have to share everything with her. I wouldn't get to experience his first pregnancy with him...I wouldn't get to share all the babies firsts with him...I'd have to revolve our entire lives around this other child and woman he had in his life for years before me. And don't get me wrong, he sent me pictures last week and OMG the babycakes is cutest thing of my entire life!!! And I love kids, I don't see a problem there in the least. But am truly jealous she stole all of those first experiences from me. Plus, he's forever connected to a girl who totally still loves him but I have to trust that he doesn't return the feelings. It's just a lot.

And worst of all, the person I would talk to about this is him- but I really don't feel like I can. Especially since then my crazy detector would go off in thinking so far into the future and in stumbling and then stalking his ex's FB page.

So we're going to busy ourselves with the many many things I have to do these next few days and try to not think about everything my little heart just wants to obsess about. Plus, I think some obvious prayer to take the jealousy away would be important right about now. And of course, our time together next week should either ease some of these feelings or make it obvious which direction this relationship needs to go.

But honestly, I'm SO EXCITED to see and spend time with him it's not even funny!!!!



Since You've Been Gone...

Not surprisingly, a lot has happened since I had to take a break from writing due to mum's big surprise...and due to my general busyness regarding said surprise. 

We are now ONE WEEK on the countdown until my birthday boy comes to see me for 3 glorious days!!! His flight is booked, our hotel downtown is booked, we have plans everyday, and are even bringing him around to meet the family. And thats where the drama began. We both felt like it wasn't appropriate to just hole up downtown in a hotel for 3 days and not even attempt to see the family, so I just quickly emailed and asked my mom if they'd like to have us over for dinner one of the nights so they could meet him and everything. OMG YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT HER HEAD EXPLODED. 

Now, mom has been under a lot of stress with the cancer and scan results. And understandably didn't know I was coming home for longer then 2 weeks so she felt like her precious time with me was being infringed upon. But I was NOT expecting a "while I can't condone your actions before marriage - use protection - should we look into those HPV shots for you? - it's awkward you're staying in a hotel with a man we've never met - who the hell IS this guy - watch out for those marines, they're dirty and have STDs - great, now when am I supposed to spend time with you" email back. Needless to say, I was NOT happy about it. After getting pissed off about it, I calmed down and realized it was just my mom freaking out because she doesn't know everything about my life anymore and its upsetting her. Plus, she's being overtly judgmental about me and birthday boy instead of trusting that I found a nice guy and am so happy. 

I wrote her back a nice but firm "back the fuck off" email regarding my sex life and even relationships. I said that if I want to share things with her I will, but I have my own life now and just because she doesn't know ALL about this guy doesn't mean he's bad and everyone should freak out. It all needed to be said. And I definitely felt better after having said it. 

But of course she never wrote back and has just pretended like it never happened.

Although she did ask me about him lots now that I'm here and I've told her the general story of how we met (left out the funny and sexy parts) and about him in general. It's really "fun" having my family pretty much completely dislike him because he is a marine and are planning on it not working out. I can hear it in their voices and when they talk and think I can't hear. Yesterday it even came out that he has a son and they didn't even bat an eye. I think its because they figure it's not going to work out so who cares. Unless they are rather suddenly less judgmental and idealistic about my life then I thought. I wonder if they know how difficult it is to find good guys out there these days...

Also, I can tell everyone in the family are all worried about me finding a guy to marry and have kids with. What the hell? Now that I am 26 I'm an old spinster with my eggs drying up! No man will ever want me! Oh no! What year is it 1902? I think it'll be fun when they all realize I'm having relationships with SEX and NOT getting married, oh the humanity. 

Updates on the man in my life...

I don't really know what to say about whats going on between us, besides it just being lovely and perfect as usual. If we don't talk or chat everyday, its weird, and now that I have an American number he can call me from work for free. So we talked for like 5 hours at 3a the other night (adjusting to the time change is NOT easy) while he was at work and after we hung up I was shocked at how long we'd been talking. It's just that ease you have with that person where you can just go on and on for hours about anything and everything. I love how we talk to each other too, we're both SO honest and open about everything. We can talk about sex like it isn't a big deal then switch to talking about the details of our relationship in a blink. I appreciate how open he is with expressing his feelings about me, I've never had a man express himself so openly. Number 2 was always trying to hide his feelings and PAG was always trying to ignore and not deal with them since I was leaving. Birthday Boy doesn't care about the distance, that my family has doomed us to fail, that he has a son, anything. He is all in. Even when I get nervous about things he just continues to value and pursue me because he likes me so much. 

We decided to tell the family he is my boyfriend just to make things easier. Plus, we do both want to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend...we just realize it's rather sudden and intense after not having spent SO much time together. And that was a mutual decision, not just him or just me. We are very much always on the same page. It'll be interesting to see how things go while he's here, what feelings will surface. I am just excited to spend so much time with him, do fun things together, have some amazing sex, everything will be so sweet. And if you think I'M excited you should hear him, it's pretty much the cutest thing ever. 

But in true self fashion when left alone for too long with my thoughts I begin to freak out. Do we just like each other because we were both lonely in foreign countries and valued having someone to talk to? Do I really want to sign up for a lovely man who has a precious child...with another woman who is still head over heels for him? (more on that later). And if he doesn't come to San Diego in October, how long can I really keep this long distance thing up for? Do I have to follow his military career around and then follow him to living by his child in MS in the end too? Because that sure is a lot to give up. It's almost scarier to have him be called my boyfriend because of all these questions that suddenly surface, it was easier when it was just a "we like each other and want to see what happens..."

I suppose a lot is riding on our time together next week. Everything inside of my heart tells me that everything between us and everything about him that I love make whatever will happen worth it. And my heart keeps yelling at my head to calm down and just enjoy the moment and stop stressing out. 

Tonight I am hosting my girl friends, its the first time in over a year we are all in town at the same time. If anything, their non traditional relationships always seem to make me feel better about my own. Seriously, coming to terms with saying good bye to idealism is a tough lesson. 



Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Surprise!

I know I have been majorly playing the disappearing act lately, BUT in my defense I was protecting my big secret which was finally revealed today! This little world traveler has decided to take a break and return home "permanently" to socal this holiday! I only told the people I was saying goodbye to in Bratislava, work of course, and my brother. All so I could do THIS today!

*please note my mums new birthday gloves I got her that she refused to take off and my parents kooky Christmas hats they wore all day. Try not to be TOO jealous of my family.

Then mom cried her little eyes out!

Yeah I know, they were pretty excited about their BIG surprise. And I'm so glad I don't have to constantly lie anymore! 

And now for the WHY.

Let's be honest, work has been extremely draining and then I'm still struggling with money every month. My mum was IN the hospital for like 2 weeks and we had that big cancer scare where I pretty much already wanted to go home then.  And theres roomie with her constant boyfriend drama I was involved in WAY too close for comfort. Plus, all my friends there had decided to stop being my friend so I was already starting all over trying to make a life for myself. SO when work asked me if I'd like to stay home at the holiday because of everything with my mum, I thought about it for a week and although it was tough decided on YES PLEASE. They found a lovely replacement for me who will start when the kids come back, I got to say good bye to the kids and friends outside of work in secret, and then had to try and do all of my Christmas shopping, figure out the substituting job back here, pack up my entire life, finish grading trimester tests and put together all the kids progress reports within like ONE week. I feel like I haven't slept in days and days. 

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I really had to wrap my head around not living in a city for back with my parents...not being able to have my own classroom anymore...leaving roomie (who although is drama, is also like my sister), etc. But in the end the weight I felt leave me the moment my director asked if I'd like to stay home and still be on good terms with the school was unmistakable. I was already thinking of quitting the school in December and moving somewhere else anyway, as you all know, but in the end realized I'd be there all alone again and have to start over anyway. It just wasn't appealing anymore. I missed my friends and family who I feel so comfortable, loved, and relaxed with. I missed English, my own socal culture, the sunshine, the food, just everything! And as the plane came in over LA and I teared up happily seeing my beautiful coastline and socal sunshine- I knew I made the right decision. 

But oh we have so much to catch up on now! 

However, it will have to wait until after Christmas tasting with the family tomorrow...and all the fun I've been missing out on here. This is seriously, the best Christmas my family has had in so long! 

Until then,


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tears of Joy.

Thats me and my mum 3 years ago at Thanksgiving. 

She just had her cancer scan done this week and it came back completely CLEAN. 

She has to be scanned every 3 months, and especially after everything that happened over the fall we never completely relax. But for right now my momma is CANCER FREE and I cried my little eyes out when I got the news. I feel like I can finally breathe again. 

Best Christmas present ever.



Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Apologies for the lack of posts lately. Was very sick, now swamped with work and getting ready to go home for the holiday. Really, I am always surprised by how much stress it's possible to have within one person.

Plus...I have some secrets I can't spill yet that just seem to blurt out when I'm writing so I've been avoiding you like the plague.

But here we are.

BECAUSE I have some wonderful! fantastic! amazing! beautiful! news that I CAN share!!!!

My birthday boy is coming to visit ME in San Diego January 3-7!!!!
We booked our swanky hotel downtown for 3 nights and got a legit deal from one of his family friends. My favorite part was when I was telling him all the different things there is to do and asked him what he'd like to do because he got SO excited to go to Sea World, the zoo, and Disneyland with me (all his ideas, besides Disney obviously). I'm not sure we can squeeze all of that into 2.5 days...or if any sane person would even want to...but either way we're pumped.

We were so thrilled about spending merely 3 days together we forgot about the amazing hot sex we were going to have too! So then we talked about that and got even MORE excited. And I haven't realized how long it's been since I've had sex- my birthday. Over 2 months. I'm going to die. No wonder I'm all stressed out, damn.

My mum has another scan for cancer tomorrow. Found out today birthday boys brain IS officially slowly bleeding and he's going to have to figure out treatment in the states asap. My class has been EXTRA draining lately. Christmas shopping. I think hormones might be spicing things up a bit here. Plus my secrets are pretty big ones. Cue crying in my classroom today when the kids went to lunch. The only thing keeping me sane is imaging HOME December 22nd and my lover January 3rd. But theres just SO MUCH to do from now until then I may have a heart attack in the process.

Good news! Got some results back from the doctor and am officially allergic to milk. Not just lactose intolerance that hurts my tummy like I thought- but instead its even more fun. When I eat it, it suppresses my immune system so I get more sick, makes me congested, gives me headaches, AND hurts my tummy! On the one hand I'm glad to know why I am perpetually stuffed up and keep getting SO sick all the time, on the other hand MILK?! REALLY? I just fell back in love with cheese and yogurt after the vegan diet ended and now they are rudely being taken away again?! I don't even know what to eat!

Luckily, according to the always correct wikipedia, usually if its cooked into something (like fatty Christmas baked goods) it cooks out the part that sets off most peoples allergies. So no more wine and cheese nights, but apparently I can still replace my dinners with cookies if needed. I guess it's time to start cooking for myself again. Gosh I miss my socal Trader Joe's and Henry's where the healthy milk free foods flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And the fruits and vegetables actually taste good so I eat them...mmmmmmm.

And NOW for the countdown to Christmas holiday in San Diego!

Only 8 more days until I leave!!

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Favorite Things: Dum Dum Girls

Can I please be as cool as these talented ladies? Jeez, even just bottle some if it and I'll drink it.

Goodbye Idealism.

Something happened to me when I was young, and continues to happen even as I am an adult talking with my parents. Somehow this idealistic view of what my life would be like crept up and took over every part of myself. I was supposed to go to college and meet the man of my dreams, we get married with a big beautiful white wedding, live in a house in San Diego where I have a full time teaching job somewhere, and then we have babies and live happily ever. This is what I've considered the norm for most peoples lives (unless they're "weird") and of course what would happen with my life too. And I was happy about it. It includes love, security, career, family- the whole deal in one neat little package.

The last few years have constantly been hitting me with reality checks, especially since I've moved here away from the direct influence of my culture and parents, but none so much as what happened last night.

You know how much we like Birthday Boy. And how much birthday boy likes me. It's been quite the little whirlwind romance for us (which I feel like is my middle name at this point). We are trying not to rush into things without spending more time together, so for now we're just loving talking to each other and are seriously trying to plan time to spend together before he moves to socal, and aren't seeing anyone else. Well, can't even consider seeing anyone else because the like we have for each other has suddenly blind sided us. Which is why after barely hearing from him all week, I wasn't nervous about him not liking me anymore, but just worried about him. And sure enough, he tells me he's been in the hospital on and off all week. Because, oh you know, the inside of his brain is BLEEDING and shutting down the right side of his brain so he's getting these horrible migraines and now can't open his right EYE. Apparently he wasn't super surprised because he's had four concussions when he was in high school playing sports and they've already been keeping an eye on a dark bruise they found on a recent scan, but I was freaking the fuck out. My immediate thoughts were "Oh good, finally found the love of my life and he's going to have brain damage"- so dramatic and self centered, jeez. But apparently the doctors say he's going to be fine and are just waiting to get some old scans sent to Brazil so they can do comparisons of old and current scans to see the damage. Plus, if he needs serious surgery he'll be sent to DC and if its over the time I'll be home...which is likely...I can go see him and BE there for him. Can you imagine getting news that you might have brain damage and might have to leave the marines while all alone in Brazil? I cried my little face off worried and so sad for him, and so frustrated I wasn't with him to even just hug him and tell him its going to be ok.




He told me he has a 15 month old son back in Mississippi.

Someone had oddly commented on one of his status updates regarding him being a parent, I thought it was a typo but wanted to ask him about it anyway and he stupidly responded to this in the same email as the head injury hospital news. Luckily for him, in my heart the hospital beat out the son issue two fold so we didn't even talk about it again until much later. He hadn't initially told me because we both thought it was just a fling, and then when he realized he really cared about me he just couldn't "find the right time" because I've been so stressed out lately. I told him never to hold back talking to me about something because of what I'm going through, unless its like the day of someones funeral or something, but I was rather serious about that point. He was "terrified" to tell me because he hasn't felt this much chemistry and connection with anyone in a long time and didn't want to lose me. Cue expression of how much he likes me.

So yeah. After those emails, this little girls imaginary idealistic future had the last bits kicked out of it. Which is really for the better. It's not fair to have such ridiculous expectations for myself and others. And why can't I fall for someone with a son? What's wrong with that? My cousin is one of my favorite people in the world and he has a married young and it didn't work out, I think he's totally a catch so why can't I fall for someone too? And for birthday boy it was with his girlfriend of 3 years, not some random girl or anything. They just have their issues so they can't be together but are still on good terms because of the babycakes. But lets not be in denial of the whole thing, when he moves to socal and if we're able to try the whole real life dating thing for a few years eventually he's going to have to move back to Mississippi to forever be close to him. And he should, and I encourage it, but is that something I really want to sign up for? Leaving my amazing family and city to forever be connected to this woman and child and move myself to the south? Everything between us is already so complicated adding this into the equation really impacts things.

So I decided I had two choices. Run now before we get any closer and find someone who has these idealistic characteristics I've been imagining for myself. Or, just not worry about it yet- which I think is the better option at this point. I'm not even going to tell my lovely but opinionated parents about this new fun tid bit until Birthday Boy and I are living in the same place at the same time for awhile and have an official title. And I'm not going to get ahead of myself worrying about where we're going to live together someday and such silliness, lets just take it one day at a time here crazy.

But then again...whose to say I wouldn't love living in a big old house with all my babycakes in a historic college town? In fact, sounds rather lovely. I mean, I could potentially love this:

Isn't it funny when the plans you have for yourself aren't even remotely close to the plans life and God have for you? However the realization can be difficult to adjust to. 

Friday, December 02, 2011

Pretty Things: Lulu Tee

Found this lovely little tumblr and pinterest, Lulu Tee which gave me these beautiful and inspiring things today.


Pretty Sure I Have TB.

Ok, slightly dramatic, but the symptoms are certainly the same! I can't breathe, have coughing fits, and cough up gross stuff- come on, it has to be TB. It's certainly not a cold anymore or allergies as the doctors here tried to tell me, so I am just waiting for the test results to see what kind of antibiotics I'm sure I'll need.

Oh it is FUN being deathly ill and trying to navigate all these doctors whose English isn't always the best, and when you have to take your sick self on the tram to another part of town you've never been to following the address on a sticky note to a Slovak hospital older then you where the people with NO English take an X ray of your face. Oh, and its storming and freezing the entire time. Seriously, I am AWESOME. I was annoyed the entire time because I didn't feel well and it was the last thing I knew my poor body needed, to be walking around in the freezing rain barely able to breathe. But I did it! And later realized- "Wow, look at you city girl. Not only have you MADE it in a city, but a foreign city with very little English speaking people to boot! You kind of rule"

A lot of things have been happening on top of this horrible illness. Work asked if I'd like to MOVE back home at Christmas to be with my mom with no hard feelings between me and the school and a letter of recommendation too leave with too. The director tried to relieve me of any moral attachments I had to the kids or school and encouraged me to make a decision best for me and my family. I'll not tell you the decision until I am ready.

On top of that Birthday Boy has been a little MIA this week...not completely and I know it's because his computer has problems and work stuff, but I'm not used to not talking to him almost everyday and miss him. We've sent a few lovely emails, but because I've been sick, needed to talk through my decision, and generally a bit needy it hasn't felt like enough and I'm starting to get annoyed that he isn't putting enough effort in to try and find time to talk to me.

Plus roomie and her boyfriend are having serious drama, again, and I am having to console her and am actually worried to leave her here over Christmas. If they don't work out then she's going to be ALL ALONE on Christmas and New Year's and I would just feel horrible. I've been thinking that besides both of them being crazy, this is why its generally just really hard to live with a couple. These two fight a lot more then usual couples do, and when they do its RIDICULOUS, but I am always in the middle of it because not only do I live here, but I am also her best friend here. I have become like this third person in their relationship- its so strange.

Oh gosh am I excited about coming home for Christmas! I am already planning all of the gifts I'll be getting everyone from the folk shops and open air Christmas markets (once I can breathe properly again of course) and can't wait to enjoy the nice weather and sunshine! Plus, I do miss my family more then I can really say. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I value my real friends and family now so SO much. I can't wait to snuggle with everyone and just laugh and relax and enjoy.

Also, I'm sadly about finished with Mad's seriously sad. I feel like I am now best friends with all of the characters how could we possibly part ways! But I AM also downloading The Wire and am ready for another show to keep me up nights.

I'm ready for friends and family and Christmas please.