Sunday, December 04, 2011

Goodbye Idealism.

Something happened to me when I was young, and continues to happen even as I am an adult talking with my parents. Somehow this idealistic view of what my life would be like crept up and took over every part of myself. I was supposed to go to college and meet the man of my dreams, we get married with a big beautiful white wedding, live in a house in San Diego where I have a full time teaching job somewhere, and then we have babies and live happily ever. This is what I've considered the norm for most peoples lives (unless they're "weird") and of course what would happen with my life too. And I was happy about it. It includes love, security, career, family- the whole deal in one neat little package.

The last few years have constantly been hitting me with reality checks, especially since I've moved here away from the direct influence of my culture and parents, but none so much as what happened last night.

You know how much we like Birthday Boy. And how much birthday boy likes me. It's been quite the little whirlwind romance for us (which I feel like is my middle name at this point). We are trying not to rush into things without spending more time together, so for now we're just loving talking to each other and are seriously trying to plan time to spend together before he moves to socal, and aren't seeing anyone else. Well, can't even consider seeing anyone else because the like we have for each other has suddenly blind sided us. Which is why after barely hearing from him all week, I wasn't nervous about him not liking me anymore, but just worried about him. And sure enough, he tells me he's been in the hospital on and off all week. Because, oh you know, the inside of his brain is BLEEDING and shutting down the right side of his brain so he's getting these horrible migraines and now can't open his right EYE. Apparently he wasn't super surprised because he's had four concussions when he was in high school playing sports and they've already been keeping an eye on a dark bruise they found on a recent scan, but I was freaking the fuck out. My immediate thoughts were "Oh good, finally found the love of my life and he's going to have brain damage"- so dramatic and self centered, jeez. But apparently the doctors say he's going to be fine and are just waiting to get some old scans sent to Brazil so they can do comparisons of old and current scans to see the damage. Plus, if he needs serious surgery he'll be sent to DC and if its over the time I'll be home...which is likely...I can go see him and BE there for him. Can you imagine getting news that you might have brain damage and might have to leave the marines while all alone in Brazil? I cried my little face off worried and so sad for him, and so frustrated I wasn't with him to even just hug him and tell him its going to be ok.




He told me he has a 15 month old son back in Mississippi.

Someone had oddly commented on one of his status updates regarding him being a parent, I thought it was a typo but wanted to ask him about it anyway and he stupidly responded to this in the same email as the head injury hospital news. Luckily for him, in my heart the hospital beat out the son issue two fold so we didn't even talk about it again until much later. He hadn't initially told me because we both thought it was just a fling, and then when he realized he really cared about me he just couldn't "find the right time" because I've been so stressed out lately. I told him never to hold back talking to me about something because of what I'm going through, unless its like the day of someones funeral or something, but I was rather serious about that point. He was "terrified" to tell me because he hasn't felt this much chemistry and connection with anyone in a long time and didn't want to lose me. Cue expression of how much he likes me.

So yeah. After those emails, this little girls imaginary idealistic future had the last bits kicked out of it. Which is really for the better. It's not fair to have such ridiculous expectations for myself and others. And why can't I fall for someone with a son? What's wrong with that? My cousin is one of my favorite people in the world and he has a married young and it didn't work out, I think he's totally a catch so why can't I fall for someone too? And for birthday boy it was with his girlfriend of 3 years, not some random girl or anything. They just have their issues so they can't be together but are still on good terms because of the babycakes. But lets not be in denial of the whole thing, when he moves to socal and if we're able to try the whole real life dating thing for a few years eventually he's going to have to move back to Mississippi to forever be close to him. And he should, and I encourage it, but is that something I really want to sign up for? Leaving my amazing family and city to forever be connected to this woman and child and move myself to the south? Everything between us is already so complicated adding this into the equation really impacts things.

So I decided I had two choices. Run now before we get any closer and find someone who has these idealistic characteristics I've been imagining for myself. Or, just not worry about it yet- which I think is the better option at this point. I'm not even going to tell my lovely but opinionated parents about this new fun tid bit until Birthday Boy and I are living in the same place at the same time for awhile and have an official title. And I'm not going to get ahead of myself worrying about where we're going to live together someday and such silliness, lets just take it one day at a time here crazy.

But then again...whose to say I wouldn't love living in a big old house with all my babycakes in a historic college town? In fact, sounds rather lovely. I mean, I could potentially love this:

Isn't it funny when the plans you have for yourself aren't even remotely close to the plans life and God have for you? However the realization can be difficult to adjust to. 

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