A Girl Just Can't Get Used To This.

So lately I've been having a lot of time to think, being sick (AGAIN!!!!) and semi unemployed and all. Plus, as I fall more and more in love with the far away man panic starts to settle in equal amounts. The more I love him and let myself imagine a future with him, the more I risk ending up broken and hurt like the other times.

Plus it just suddenly occurred to me that um HELLO this guy is in the military and is falling for you and planning a happy little future with you just like those crazy guys tend to do! Even if you're far away, they like having someone to connect with back home. Which I understand, but I started panicking that he wasn't in love with ME or seriously pondering a future with ME...but with just the idea of me. A nice girl back home to pine for and plan and lovey dovey future with in California, happy endings.

The last 2 days I've been super stressed about it and analyzing everything. Basically going over and over everything he's ever said to me. Finally today I just talked to him about it. I explained how I was feeling and why, and he understood and then said (among other things).

"If I could sit you down right now and look you in the eyes I would.

I do love you.

I do care for you.

You mean the world to me.

I would do anything for you.

You make me happier than anyone has in a LONG time.

And just simply, I do love you."

He also made more valid points about how he used to be a player and why would he even bother pursuing me so much if he didn't care about me? How he's told his entire family all about me. He even asked baby mama about the future and if the little guy could come to Cali and live with US for awhile.

I guess I am just NOT used to a man loving and wanting a real future with me like he does. We are super excited about starting our lives together after this stupid Brazil thing is finished, which is why we get ahead of ourselves with marriage and family talk, but to have a man be EXCITED about that life with me is just above and beyond what I ever imagined.

So I apologized for freaking out, he said he understood and that I wasn't the only one freaking out about everything (haha) and then checked my pill pack to verify that yes, yes it was PMS rearing its head.

xoxo

HL

I Love Drunk Boyfriend!

My favorite is when boyfriend is drinking at night his time, and my time I'm at work so we chat online. Oh the things he asks me about and brings up, its so funny and sweet at the same time!

Today I got the...

Boyfriend: So can I ask you something kind of serious?

Me: of course! I love when drunk boyfriend asks me questions!

Boyfriend: How long should we date before we get married?

Yeah, I know. A boy wants to MARRY me!!!! eeeeeee! I know its early and that he was kind of drunk, but it isnt the first time we've talked about it. And its so funny, because as excited as it makes me I'm also just normal happy because it means just more of just us! And I love us! Marriage seemed so scary and final before I met him, but if its just more of THIS with him then I simply can not wait.

Don't worry, I told him we should be in the same country or place at least a few months before we get engaged, which wouldn't be until around this time next year, but otherwise theres no rules. And there aren't we can do whatever we want too. So there's no rushing going on, I think we're just excited because we're in looooove with someone we actually see an amazing future with. I just wish he were closer, I feel like I'm still waiting for our life together to even really get started. But I'm so excited when I let myself think about a life with him. Oh, the places we'll go.

We're in love! We're in love! And we don't care who knows it!

Gahhhhhhh!!!!!

Mr. Boyfriend (aka birthday boy) and I were having quite the conversation today on chat (he was at work and I was doing like a million things, chat is so handy sometimes!)...he kept telling me how amazing and beautiful I am...like, a lot. He usually does, but something about today had both of us extra expressive of our feelings. Then he sent me a song he'd been waiting to send...which he prefaced as being serious...Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. Yeah, talk about it. So we were discussing how lucky we feel to have each other and how we've both been through a lot of shit and brokenness but that it led to each other. He discussed his commitment issues before me, but how he doesn't have any now. I asked why. He asks if he can call and explain. I say of course!

Me: Hey babe!
Mr. Boyfriend: Well, I wanted to tell you that the reason I don't have any issues now. Is because I am in love with you. 
Me: GASP! Oh my God! I wasn't expecting that! I thought you were just going to tell me a story! Oh my God! (and before he could start freaking out I made sure to add the)- well you know I love you very much too!

We gushed more after that and he's on his way home from work now, so probably more after that too, but OH MY!!!! We've theoretically talked about it a few times already, and I pretty much knew he did and was just waiting for him to figure it out/be ready enough to finally tell me. We apparently both knew when he visited but didn't want to say it just based on the excitement of being with each other feelings so we both, without the other knowing, decided to wait. He wanted to wait until we were together...and I wish we could have too, but it just wasn't going to happen- we couldn't wait any longer!



I KNEW 2012 was the year of LOVE!!!

Ok, time to go gush in my personal journal too- I feel like my heart is going to explode everywhere!!!

Winning.

this fantastic image is on the cover of the amazing valentines gift I'm making for my new BOYFRIEND.

Ok, so we all know I am head over heels for Mr. Boyfriend (new upgraded name from birthday boy- I felt like it was time to move it on up). But SERIOUSLY, everyday I fall more and more for him. I'm just so twitterpated!

Snippets:

-Mr. Boyfriend sends me a song EVERYDAY for me to wake up to. They are almost always super romantic or sometimes funny country ones to make me laugh. I want to share with the world all the lovey songs because they are so sweet, but at the same time I know they are his little messages to me of how much he cares about me because its hard for him to express it himself (in fact, thats what he told me) therefore I feel like they're so private and precious.

-Please read with a touch of southern accent- "Sometimes I have a hard time telling you how I feel because I feel like such a creeper when I do! Like my heart is WAY ahead of things and my head is always telling it to calm down. My heart is like a chattering squirrel and my head is a grumpy old man. The two are always fighting."

-He's planning on me meeting his entire family over the summer at his brothers wedding and is SO EXCITED about it. But apparently in the south meeting the family isn't as big of a deal as it is for the rest of us...its considered pretty standard actually. But he keeps talking about showing me off to all his brothers and friends and ex girlfriends we're sure to see at the local bars (yeah, the south is different). I just love how excited he is about ME, like I am this precious treasure he wants to show to everyone.

-He found a cruise he wants to take me on in October. He'll be moving from Brazil to a new place (hopefully HERE) and wants to take 3-4 weeks off...one of which spent with me on a super fancy Mexican cruise! He planned it all out with his military discount so we get the best room and amenities and then he found all these on shore excursions he thinks would be fun for us to do too- seriously, this is what he does in his free time and then tells me about it. I WANT TO KEEP HIM!

-He tells me how much he misses me and all the things he misses...insert sweet things here...like "hearing your voie. looking into your beautiful eyes. randomly kissing you. brushing your hair away from your face. us laughing together for hours"- I mean come on, what am I supposed to DO with this guy? I just heart him so much!

Surprise! Not A Psycho!

                               

So my new "boyfriend" and I last spoke SATURDAY really briefly because he had the baby that day and then his temp phone expired and he was supposed to go home Monday so why bother refilling? Understandable. Fine.

THEN I don't hear from him until a FB message on Tuesday, thinking it'd be a "I made it back to Brazil babe!" message, but apparently A LOT of shit has happened there and he won't be able to go back to Brazil for probably another week. Now, everything was super legit and he wrote me about it including a kind of, "Im so sorry you haven't heard from me! But everything is crazy! Here's a list!". So I was totally understanding. I mean, the list includes personal health issues...serious money issues...and even scary stuff with the baby taken in an ambulance to the hospital issue so I am totally understanding. But. Now it's almost Friday and I have still yet to get a phone call or any other messages. Not only does my skin crawl when I don't get to talk to him everyday like we normally do, but I am just plain worried about him and would like an update.

BUT guess whose keeping a low profile? Crazy Lady.

Thats right! Crazy lady in my head is NOT sounding off with the "you haven't heard from him?!? he doesn't like you anymore!!! panic mode!!!" siren. She tries to rear her ugly head sometimes but gets shut down pretty quickly. Either I have really become a grown up, gained confidence, or just finally trust that this one really does care about me even if he's busy. Probably a mix of all three. Aren't we so proud! The only issue I do have, is that- if he is going through so much right now, why isn't he talking to ME about it? We are each others "person". We talk about everything together, especially if we're going through something serious. We both do have other people we discuss things with...but didn't he just ask me to be his girl friend? Aren't I supposed to officially now be in the best friend zone too? I know he's a bit of an avoider when it comes to problems...it takes him forever to talk to me about serious stuff...so that could just be it now. But either way I am super bothered. Plus it doesn't help that we spent 3 days together being extremely vulnerable with each other and then he just disappears....or that I am definitely PMSing...or that before he came and didn't have a phone he still managed to call me almost everyday from his parents house phone.

I messaged him Wednesday asking him to call me when he had a chance because I miss him. We'll see how long it takes him and how much more mad I can get.

Managed to come home from work with a sore throat and fever! Back to work with children 4 days and already sick again, how am I a real person.

xoxo

HL

Free.

"Sweat pants, hair tied, chillen with no make up on, 

that's when your the prettiest, 

I hope that you don't take it wrong"- Drake

Theres this weird thing that happens with you know someone has totally fallen for you (and hey, it helps if they're long distance too). It's like you finally feel so absolutely beautiful and loved for who you are and how you look, you just stop fussing so damn much. I think many people call it "letting yourself go", which typically has negative connotations, but in someway it's really just a woman freeing herself of all the pressures facing her everyday. Do you know how much work it is to look hot all the time in order to attract a man? And even if you just cover the basics, it's like constant grooming is needed at all times! Let's make a simple list just to get started of the constant expectations on a woman considered to be beautiful:

1. keeping hair color updated every 4-6 weeks
2. keeping hair looking fresh and pretty everyday
3. keeping finger nails looking decent every 1-2 weeks
4. keeping toenails looking decent every 2-4 weeks
5. sunshine or lotion so you dont look like a vampire
6. shaving legs 2-3x/week
7. shaving under arms every other day
8. shaving or waxing lady every 2-4 weeks
9. flossing and brushing teeth everyday
10. whitening teeth
11. professional cleanings 2x/year
12. eating healthy and maintaining or constantly trying to lose weight
13. exercising every day or a few times a week
14. contacts or hip glasses
15. eye brows
16. face care
17. birth control
18. perfumes and/or nice smelling lotions
19. cute clothes and accessories
20. makeup

Ok, so some of these most men also do...but they really only care about the basics and thats because thats what WE care about and they want to be close to us so they do it. Otherwise, I doubt men would even change their clothes or brush their teeth everyday. And HELLO the expense of all this crap just to be a normal woman is just downright ridiculous.

And now for the first time, I genuinely feel free. Ok, so I am back on a diet after gaining weight over the last few months, and most of these I will continue to do just because I am super girly and enjoy the pampering/break from life. But the amazing feeling that comes with not HAVING to do them in order to attract a man or keep a man is so inspiring! For instance, my eye prescription expired, my last pair of contacts ripped the other day, and I somehow lost my newer glasses, so until I get paid over the weekend and can afford the $50-$100 for the appointment and another $40 for the box of contacts I am  stuck wearing these old black glasses I forgot even existed.

But do I care? NOPE. And even while birthday boy was here I didn't shave my under arms, pluck my eyebrows everyday, wear make up, style my hair, etc. And did he care? Oh, hell no. I was naked, wearing no make up, hadn't washed my hair in 2 days when I caught him staring and he said the echoing, 

"every time I look at you, I say to myself 'wow, how did you manage to get this one?'"

In fact, he's said a version of this more than once! And never when I'm all decked out in my little hooker dresses and fake eye lashes, I mean he loves that, but not in the same way. It's always when I'm wearing glasses...no make up...naked with all the parts I think are ugly about my body fully exposed. That's when he values me the most?

But that, my friends, is what love feels like. 

xoxo

HL

Long Distance.

I guess I forgot what people say about long distance...and what I used to say after the failure with PAG actually. Here I am just skipping along, and yes- the distance sucks but its been doable and ok for us at the same time, and then BAM uncle exclaims at the whole table for everyone to hear "long distance never works!" at last nights family dinner. Wow, thanks. 

At least I still have my good girl friends (and even my parents surprisingly) who are supportive and keep whispering in my ear "long distance CAN work if you both want it to" when I am feeling blue. Plus, a man who pursues the crap out of me and spent years away from his previous girlfriend without ever cheating on her- I trust him. I've definitely seen both sides of military men...the ones in Bratislava who had girlfriends back home and were still sleeping around...and the ones who loved their girls back home and while everyone was out partying they were in their rooms skyping with her and couldn't be happier. I literally know birthday boy isn't out being a nut because he's in his room happily talking to me most Friday and Saturday nights. Plus, I think he sees his Brazil world around him...and how superficial everything is when you're only there a year...it seems like he really values our friendship more than anything else (which is how it should be). This is his last embassy tour, he's been doing a year or two in different countries for almost 5 years now. I learned the whole difference and value between real friends and superficial ones after my first 6 months in Europe- he must be an expert. Plus, he's like me- it's not even really that fun to go out anymore after you've been partying for so long...and when the person you want to party with isn't even there. His words:

"Its like...not even fun going out anymore. The entire time I'm thinking, 'oh my girl would look better in that dress'...'that girl isn't as hot as mine'...'I wish she were here'"

teehee he likes me.

So we still socialize and everything, but its kind of hard to notice anyone else in the room when you're head over heels for someone else. But I'm not going to deny this shit is hard...it just doesn't feel impossible. And he's so on board and serious about it why would I even argue?

But now that he's gone it does feel like all of the air and life have been sucked completely out of me. I don't think it helps that I'm broke and don't have work. Theres nothing to do but either clean (oh fun) or  fiddle around missing him.

The Whirlwind.

Whirlwind. Romance. 

Oh, where to even begin. 

I dropped off my favorite this morning at the airport, cried on the way home a bit and slept the rest of the day only awaking to hear he got in ok to all of his stops. And that he missed me already- of course.

But now I am getting ahead of myself, lets start from the very beginning. 

I was frustrated with him for missing his flight in the morning and then not double checking and flying into LA instead of SD...but even more so when I found out the reason he was late was that the mother of his child was to drive him to the airport that morning and be his alarm clock- OBVIOUSLY she did not wake him up and then he missed his flight. I was NOT happy and we had to have a talk about trusting crazy with ANYTHING. Good Lord. (Another highlight was when she STALKED hotels in socal trying to get ahold of him because she "needed the babies insurance card" which was where it always was...And why couldn't she call his cell phone? Her endeavor was complete with a FB message to ME about this too...I've never even talked to the lady! Boundaries?) 

Anyway, I made sure I looked like I just walked off a movie set when I picked him up, obvi, and the reunion was just...well, perfect. I had thought maybe there would be weirdness between us because we haven't seen each other in so long, but it ended up feeling just the opposite. It was like no time had passed at all. Like we had just been in Bratislava together the other day and we picked up right where we left off. AND we got to be that pretty couple in the airport kissing which I didn't even think about at the time, but bonus! When we were about 30min away I asked him to check the hotel to make sure our reservation was still good before we drove the rest of the way...something may have happened and we ended up standing outside a Starbucks freezing cold (in my slutty "picking up your long distance semi-boyfriend" in the airport dress of course) trying to pick up wifi so we could find the hotel number. I was in charge of ONE thing. ONE thing only. Making sure we got to the hotel. And since the Marriott and Courtyard-Marriott pretty much have the same stupid name I fucked it all up and we ended up staying at a decent inn close to my parents house for the first night. It ended up being ok since we were both tired and didn't loose too much money out of it or anything. And through all of this, I have to say we did pretty damn well. Both of us are super easy going and just want to be together so although we were tired and just wanted to BE IN A BED we were both fine just figuring things out together. Plus, we couldn't really be fussy with each other anyway by then because we'd both messed up. 

When we finally got to our room we were so excited to be together we were just talking and talking and being all giddy we literally had to make ourselves stop laughing to be semi serious and have some sex. I played some of my favorite lovey dovey songs...we dimmed the lights...and I believe his words were, "this feels perfect". And it was. 

The next morning we attempted to sleep in but crazy woke us up by calling and there was no going to back to sleep then, plus there was a marathon of "Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal" on the OWN network and we both got SO into it we ended up watching it ALL morning together having the best time teasing the people on the show, analyzing them, and figuring out what would happen next in all of the stories. Oh seriously, we watched like 5 of those suckers I think, even while he brought me up some of the free breakfast so we could eat together in our room, totally were still watching. After we checked out I took him to get In N Out and to my local beach to eat it...it was beautiful out and we were walking and so romanticle and happy. Neither of us had been to the beach in forever, it was like a present. We still had a few hours to kill before the epic dinner with the rents so we went to the movies and snuggled all up watching Sherlock Holmes 2 

THEN it was "The Dinner" with the family. It ended up just being my parents and uncle and aunt...no brother and no friends I guess. Mom made my favorite Puerto Rican food and I must say, it went absolutely wonderfully. They asked him the normal questions, he answered perfectly, and by the end we were joking with my parents in the kitchen while he and I did the dishes for everyone. Word on the street is that my family liked him and he liked everyone too- mission accomplished! 

Thursday we'd planned on going to the zoo or Sea World, but after the extra plane ticket he had to buy to come out here and you know my broke ass...plus we lost pretty much an entire day together...so obviously the natural choice was to stay in bed all day eating snacks and watching movies and having amazing sex in our big luxurious bed at our hotel downtown. The hotel was in a historical building from the 1920's, San Diego Bank and Trust, and it was SO SO COOL inside! It couldn't have been more perfect. We did break to get happy hour at House of Blues, which had a really good DJ and drink specials. Then we grabbed some Mexican food to eat back in our bed and stayed up almost all night not wanting to go to sleep and have to wake up to say good bye today. 

Snippets.

As always, here are some private ones I am willing to share...

-"every time I look at you, I say to myself 'wow, how did you manage to get this one'"

-"ahh why?"

-"come on, you're like a NINE, are you kidding?!"

(for the record, I totally look at him the EXACT same way)

...those precious moments when we were wrapped all up in each others arms whispering sweet or funny things to each other...I could tell he kept wanting to tell me he loved me. I KNOW RIGHT. He was hinting that he wanted me to say it first whenever I am ready so then he would know to do it, and I said no way Jose. Girls always know before boys do...we even know when YOU do, we're just waiting for you to figure out. He sneakily brought it up a few times but I didn't want him to tell me if he felt embarrassed or afraid...because then I feel like it doesn't count. I want him to be sure. And besides, I didn't trust my emotions after all those post-sex hormones and didn't want to confuse my excitement of seeing him and us not having much time together with feelings of love. It's there. I am just trying to be careful! 

...we already talk about our kids, wedding, and future together like its nbd. Usually we're just joking around, but HE brings it up and it never feels weird to talk about it. 

...our last night, all tangled up with each other...he asks:

"So...do we have an official label now that I came out here and everything?"

"Well I dont know, thats up to you. You're the boy, you're supposed to make the moves"

quiet for a moment..."Ok then, -insert my name- Will you be my girlfriend?"

And boom, I have a boyfriend. 

cue exploding hearts!!!

It's funny though...as excited and happy as I am, I am also relatively calm about the whole thing. It's just all so easy...like "well, yeah" to every step we take together. And since I have found this recent peace about my life cards of maybe being single for a long time and just doing my thing...everything thats happening with him are just these fantastic added bonuses. I get frustrated with him being so far away and am jealous of all the couples who get to live even on the same continent...plus I get so overwhelmed by his marine life and where it will take him...or us...but whenever I tell him my fears he just holds me and says, "how about we just take it one step at a time and cross all those bridges when we get to them". And I know if we want to make it work, it will. It's odd how easy and hard everything is at the same time. 

So now the plan is for us to go to Mexico in the spring. Maybe a cruise out of here or to Cabo or somewhere where we can just relax and be together. I love us. 

So here is to romance! 2012 starting out with a bang!

xoxo

HL

BOTHERED.

Oh hey lady, why aren't you spending the day watching movies naked in bed with your favorite lover? Oh, is it because you woke up this morning to him calling to say the person who was supposed to wake him up didn't and he missed his flight? Oh and the only other one he had to drive 3 more hours to get to and wouldn't be into San Diego until 9:25PM? Oh, and then somehow "his dad" helped him rebook the flight and ended up accidentally choosing LAX so now I have to drive 2 hours up and then 3 hours back down to downtown SD afterwards? Oh, awesome.

HUGE RED FLAG of him blaming everyone else for any problems and not doing things for himself. If one of my students came in and said "oh my mom didn't wake me up, sorry" I'd LAUGH in their face and then ask why they didn't set their own damn alarm clocks like everyone else. I know he's the baby of the family, but this is ridiculous. If it was some kind of weather or serious issue and this happened I wouldn't even care...but there has to be someone to blame other then just random occurrences here.

He feels horrible putting me out and losing time with me and I know his travel day just got 10x longer so I kind of feel like he's getting what he deserves for over sleeping...but come on, man the fuck up and set your own alarm and buy your own fucking ticket. Good Lord.

Welp, better go get ready for epic LA drive 2012!

Anger.

xoxo

HL

3 Months In The Making.

                       

Hair in curlers.

Nails and toenails done.

Bags packed.

Lingerie and sexy dress laid out to wear.

Lashes ready.

Ready for the best 3 days with my birthday boy 3 months in the making.

Excitement is an understatement.

xoxo

HL

PS for the record, based on what I am going to look like tomorrow, more men should really request I pick them up from the airport. Seriously.

The Long Awaited Christmas Gift

I don't know if it's been obvious or not, but neither birthday boy or I have even so much as kissed another person since we were last together in October. That's kind one of the reasons we knew we liked each other actually... separately neither of us took the opportunity or pursuit of any other people because we secretly didn't want to ruin what was happening between us. We were also having a hard time trying to imagine someone following up what we had shared together. I remember the night I got back from the club and wrote him,

"oh noooooo, you know I like you when I won't dance with anyone else at the club because it feels weird since its not you!"

He laughed and said, he felt the exact same way. It's to the point that even if we're out we don't even notice anyone of the opposite sex anymore...we're just kind of bummed the other person isn't there. Yeah, that happened.

So yes, that means little Miss Horndog (new "affectionate" nick name Annie gave me today haha) has willingly, and somewhat easily, abstained from any kind of sexual or even intense flirting activities since the first weekend in October. I suppose it wasn't very difficult...just recently it has been as the anticipation of seeing him grows and the need for the normal amount of positive male attention strengthens, but otherwise it almost just seems obvious. I mean, of course I don't want to flirt with that random guy when MY guy is so much better and we're crazy about each other. And WHY would I want to have any kind of meaningless sex with random when I could just hold out a little and have the best EVER and sweetest EVER with my guy? But it also means that sometimes I don't even want to go out and would rather just be home talking to him, teehee.

So I realize that 3 months isn't very long for some people, but for me it VERY MUCH is. I insisted that we make the first day he's here a continuation of our last rendezvous in Bratislava which was basically amazing days of what he likes to call "naked movie day" where we just laid in bed and laughed and talked and watched movies naked while intermittently having a lot of amazing sex. Seriously, so much fun. We're STILL referencing jokes and fun things that happened during that sweet time together. So from the airport on Tuesday we're going straight to Hustler for funsies and then to the hotel...only to emerge for dinner in which I'd like him to try some Mexican food (obviously) and bring it back to our room to eat...back in bed. He even has the movie list completed of what we're going to watch together because he's so excited.

If I am able to walk after Tuesday, on Wednesday morning we're going to the zoo (which was all his idea and again, he's SO excited, its really cute) then up to my parents house for the family/friend dinner event. Somehow Cassie and Annie got invited and now I feel like I am going to be SO embarrassed somehow...although Annie did promise "I won't mention the lazy eye when you're tired issue or..." so that was 'encouraging'. Plus I asked my mom to make rice and beans and Spanish hamburgers...which I didn't realize is going to make for a ROUGH rest of the evening in my body. Better pack some zantac or good Lord is he going to get to know me well. And Thursday (if Im not still in the bathroom) he wants to go to SeaWorld! Obviously I didn't argue. AND After a little research it looks like he gets in FREE for military to both places! And I think Melissa's gift of my fake wedding ring will come in handy so maybe the free spouse thing can work too. Who else would abuse the military personnel discount? Do you not know me by now?

PS Update on my silliness. I told birthday boy about my worry's of him going home and forgetting about me. He basically laughed in my face with a "Why on earth would you ever think that?! I am counting down until we are together!" answer and I called it a day. Still working on trying to stay present without getting too attached and ending up hurt at the same time. It's really "fun" to try and balance all of that as usual.

xoxo

HL

OMG 3 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO BE WITH MY FAVORITE!!!!

EXCITEMENT DOESN'T DESCRIBE!!!!

Joy.

I really couldn't be happier with my decision to move back. I know its the holidays so things are more lovely than usual, but my welcome home has just been amazing. I forgot how FULL my life is here. In Bratislava I was so lonely, bored, and frustrated all the time. But as soon as I come home I have so many options of things to do and people to see. I haven't been cuddled and loved on by so many people in so long...I keep sitting in it and enjoying. Even just to be hugged...so sweet to me now.

One of the things I did learn in Bratislava though, was how to be alone and be ok with it. I am so much more independent now and ok with doing things on my own...I even like it most of the time. And not just errands or regular activities, just even things I enjoy. Going alone to a cafe, museum, or book store that my friends might not share an interest with me in doesn't really bother me anymore. In fact, I kind of like it. Especially after having to engage all week with the kids...I am pretty socially drained after that and welcome the solitude.

So here are some snippets of my welcome home...


Crappy cell phone pictures of my beautiful 2 dozen roses and then the chocolate covered strawberries the next day from my birthday boy

Christmas eve decorating the tree with my family and then a big delicious dinner with my aunt, uncle and babycakes

Christmas day with my awesome family. I was SO tired from waking up at 3 because of the time change...we just relaxed and enjoyed each other all day. Mom and I even took a long nap in the afternoon before the big delicious dinner- perfect.

Day after Christmas wine tasting with my awesome family. 

SO MUCH FUN and such a nice treat from them.

*note the huge band aid on my poor knee. We've been discussing her needing to be healed by next week when birthday boy comes. This is serious business.  

I had my old girl friends over last night for a wine and appetizer affair and OH! It was SO SO SO fun!!! Of course there is a normal one of us, but this is just so much more realistic. 

Oh how we laughed...

But then I mixed gin n tonic with too many glasses of wine and am now bedridden for today. I was supposed to go help one of my many engaged friends with her wedding prep today, but apparently standing up still isn't a good idea...

So many more fun things to come! I am so happy to be home.

xoxo

HL

Panic.

It would appear that my jealousy turned into crazy as I pondered the quote,
"jealousy is nothing more then fear of abandonment"

Yesterday I realized I'm actually just afraid of birthday boy going home and reconnecting with his ex. I mean...it would make sense since they were together for years (even though it was mostly long distance the entire time), have a child together, and she still loves him.

Battling this level of nervousness is difficult. I am trying to remind myself how he talks about her, almost like hes disgusted by her. From the sounds of it (and looks of it), she's a pretty ridiculous person and his own words to me even were "she's a good mother, she's just not a good person". Plus I keep trying to remember how head over heels he is for me. He's paying all this money to come out to see me and is SO excited, sent me 2 dozen roses and 2 boxes of chocolate covered strawberries for Christmas (I know, omg), and even emailed me today to let me know he got in ok and he'll be calling me later. So I suppose my fears are warranted just based solely on the situation, but when I make myself calm down and actually think about HIM and I and US when we talk and are together- I know I am just being ridiculous.

It's such a weird time in our lives. Everyone is working these odd jobs as stepping stones to the one they really want, even though we've already graduated we still don't have any money, everyone is getting married or having babies and their stories are so unique with how they met...how they kept the relationship going even though they were both moving around for work or school...how they dealt with each others past relationship/money/family baggage. There really is no picture perfect life out there. I see people trying to make it perfect and find them so silly, but then why do I continue to do it too?

I feel like one of my life long battles, what I will have to continually ask God to help me with again and again- will be living and enjoying the moment instead of WORRYING so much about the future. Why can't I just enjoy what birthday boy and I have right now instead of obsessing about the future? Am I happy with how things are right now- YES. Is it what I idealized for myself? no. But its ok because I'm still happy right now.

xoxo

HL

Jealousy.

"Jealousy is nothing more then a fear of abandonment"

Jealousy creeps up on you like a cold in winter. One minute you're a little sneezy and colder then usual, and the next you're in bed moaning with a fever and coughing up your lungs.

I've found jealousy behind my odd outward feelings before.

...I love her and am so happy for her, why did I get so annoyed with all her wedding bullshit? Oh yeah...because I guess somewhere inside I sure do wish I was the one getting married.

or the more recent:

...why am I obsessing about birthday boys ex girlfriend and baby they have together?

Took me awhile and some tossing and turning to realize what it was. And I don't think it helped that I stumbled (YES stumbled) on her facebook page where she still has pictures of them together. One of them together in bed...one of her holding an "I love..." sign...one of them all together with the caption "my little family", etc.

Now my "crazy" detector went off when I saw how OLD these photos were (circa 2009 and beyond), and I trust him when he says they've been broken up for a year and besides that were on the verge for even longer, and that she still loves him. Of course she does, who wouldn't love a great guy like him who you have your child with? And how can I be upset when its not his facebook page. Besides that, his family are SO excited about me and can't stand her so I don't have to worry about that. Plus...ok I am going to be really mean right now but once again, its my blog and I can write what I want...but the poor girl is extremely unattractive. I now know why he thinks I am just SO beautiful. Good God. Ok, got that out...moving on...

After going through all of this...and making a personal rule I am no longer allowed on her FB page...I realized what was really going on.

It was fucking jealousy.

And it was a bit understandable I suppose. But when I force myself to look at my life with him in the future I have to share everything with her. I wouldn't get to experience his first pregnancy with him...I wouldn't get to share all the babies firsts with him...I'd have to revolve our entire lives around this other child and woman he had in his life for years before me. And don't get me wrong, he sent me pictures last week and OMG the babycakes is cutest thing of my entire life!!! And I love kids, I don't see a problem there in the least. But am truly jealous she stole all of those first experiences from me. Plus, he's forever connected to a girl who totally still loves him but I have to trust that he doesn't return the feelings. It's just a lot.

And worst of all, the person I would talk to about this is him- but I really don't feel like I can. Especially since then my crazy detector would go off in thinking so far into the future and in stumbling and then stalking his ex's FB page.


So we're going to busy ourselves with the many many things I have to do these next few days and try to not think about everything my little heart just wants to obsess about. Plus, I think some obvious prayer to take the jealousy away would be important right about now. And of course, our time together next week should either ease some of these feelings or make it obvious which direction this relationship needs to go.

But honestly, I'm SO EXCITED to see and spend time with him it's not even funny!!!!

xoxo

HL

Since You've Been Gone...

Not surprisingly, a lot has happened since I had to take a break from writing due to mum's big surprise...and due to my general busyness regarding said surprise. 

We are now ONE WEEK on the countdown until my birthday boy comes to see me for 3 glorious days!!! His flight is booked, our hotel downtown is booked, we have plans everyday, and are even bringing him around to meet the family. And thats where the drama began. We both felt like it wasn't appropriate to just hole up downtown in a hotel for 3 days and not even attempt to see the family, so I just quickly emailed and asked my mom if they'd like to have us over for dinner one of the nights so they could meet him and everything. OMG YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT HER HEAD EXPLODED. 

Now, mom has been under a lot of stress with the cancer and scan results. And understandably didn't know I was coming home for longer then 2 weeks so she felt like her precious time with me was being infringed upon. But I was NOT expecting a "while I can't condone your actions before marriage - use protection - should we look into those HPV shots for you? - it's awkward you're staying in a hotel with a man we've never met - who the hell IS this guy - watch out for those marines, they're dirty and have STDs - great, now when am I supposed to spend time with you" email back. Needless to say, I was NOT happy about it. After getting pissed off about it, I calmed down and realized it was just my mom freaking out because she doesn't know everything about my life anymore and its upsetting her. Plus, she's being overtly judgmental about me and birthday boy instead of trusting that I found a nice guy and am so happy. 

I wrote her back a nice but firm "back the fuck off" email regarding my sex life and even relationships. I said that if I want to share things with her I will, but I have my own life now and just because she doesn't know ALL about this guy doesn't mean he's bad and everyone should freak out. It all needed to be said. And I definitely felt better after having said it. 

But of course she never wrote back and has just pretended like it never happened.

Although she did ask me about him lots now that I'm here and I've told her the general story of how we met (left out the funny and sexy parts) and about him in general. It's really "fun" having my family pretty much completely dislike him because he is a marine and are planning on it not working out. I can hear it in their voices and when they talk and think I can't hear. Yesterday it even came out that he has a son and they didn't even bat an eye. I think its because they figure it's not going to work out so who cares. Unless they are rather suddenly less judgmental and idealistic about my life then I thought. I wonder if they know how difficult it is to find good guys out there these days...

Also, I can tell everyone in the family are all worried about me finding a guy to marry and have kids with. What the hell? Now that I am 26 I'm an old spinster with my eggs drying up! No man will ever want me! Oh no! What year is it 1902? I think it'll be fun when they all realize I'm having relationships with SEX and NOT getting married, oh the humanity. 

Updates on the man in my life...

I don't really know what to say about whats going on between us, besides it just being lovely and perfect as usual. If we don't talk or chat everyday, its weird, and now that I have an American number he can call me from work for free. So we talked for like 5 hours at 3a the other night (adjusting to the time change is NOT easy) while he was at work and after we hung up I was shocked at how long we'd been talking. It's just that ease you have with that person where you can just go on and on for hours about anything and everything. I love how we talk to each other too, we're both SO honest and open about everything. We can talk about sex like it isn't a big deal then switch to talking about the details of our relationship in a blink. I appreciate how open he is with expressing his feelings about me, I've never had a man express himself so openly. Number 2 was always trying to hide his feelings and PAG was always trying to ignore and not deal with them since I was leaving. Birthday Boy doesn't care about the distance, that my family has doomed us to fail, that he has a son, anything. He is all in. Even when I get nervous about things he just continues to value and pursue me because he likes me so much. 

We decided to tell the family he is my boyfriend just to make things easier. Plus, we do both want to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend...we just realize it's rather sudden and intense after not having spent SO much time together. And that was a mutual decision, not just him or just me. We are very much always on the same page. It'll be interesting to see how things go while he's here, what feelings will surface. I am just excited to spend so much time with him, do fun things together, have some amazing sex, everything will be so sweet. And if you think I'M excited you should hear him, it's pretty much the cutest thing ever. 

But in true self fashion when left alone for too long with my thoughts I begin to freak out. Do we just like each other because we were both lonely in foreign countries and valued having someone to talk to? Do I really want to sign up for a lovely man who has a precious child...with another woman who is still head over heels for him? (more on that later). And if he doesn't come to San Diego in October, how long can I really keep this long distance thing up for? Do I have to follow his military career around and then follow him to living by his child in MS in the end too? Because that sure is a lot to give up. It's almost scarier to have him be called my boyfriend because of all these questions that suddenly surface, it was easier when it was just a "we like each other and want to see what happens..."

I suppose a lot is riding on our time together next week. Everything inside of my heart tells me that everything between us and everything about him that I love make whatever will happen worth it. And my heart keeps yelling at my head to calm down and just enjoy the moment and stop stressing out. 

Tonight I am hosting my girl friends, its the first time in over a year we are all in town at the same time. If anything, their non traditional relationships always seem to make me feel better about my own. Seriously, coming to terms with saying good bye to idealism is a tough lesson. 

xoxo

HL

Secrets.

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. Was very sick, now swamped with work and getting ready to go home for the holiday. Really, I am always surprised by how much stress it's possible to have within one person.

Plus...I have some secrets I can't spill yet that just seem to blurt out when I'm writing so I've been avoiding you like the plague.

But here we are.

BECAUSE I have some wonderful! fantastic! amazing! beautiful! news that I CAN share!!!!

My birthday boy is coming to visit ME in San Diego January 3-7!!!!
We booked our swanky hotel downtown for 3 nights and got a legit deal from one of his family friends. My favorite part was when I was telling him all the different things there is to do and asked him what he'd like to do because he got SO excited to go to Sea World, the zoo, and Disneyland with me (all his ideas, besides Disney obviously). I'm not sure we can squeeze all of that into 2.5 days...or if any sane person would even want to...but either way we're pumped.

We were so thrilled about spending merely 3 days together we forgot about the amazing hot sex we were going to have too! So then we talked about that and got even MORE excited. And I haven't realized how long it's been since I've had sex- my birthday. Over 2 months. I'm going to die. No wonder I'm all stressed out, damn.

My mum has another scan for cancer tomorrow. Found out today birthday boys brain IS officially slowly bleeding and he's going to have to figure out treatment in the states asap. My class has been EXTRA draining lately. Christmas shopping. I think hormones might be spicing things up a bit here. Plus my secrets are pretty big ones. Cue crying in my classroom today when the kids went to lunch. The only thing keeping me sane is imaging HOME December 22nd and my lover January 3rd. But theres just SO MUCH to do from now until then I may have a heart attack in the process.

Good news! Got some results back from the doctor and am officially allergic to milk. Not just lactose intolerance that hurts my tummy like I thought- but instead its even more fun. When I eat it, it suppresses my immune system so I get more sick, makes me congested, gives me headaches, AND hurts my tummy! On the one hand I'm glad to know why I am perpetually stuffed up and keep getting SO sick all the time, on the other hand MILK?! REALLY? I just fell back in love with cheese and yogurt after the vegan diet ended and now they are rudely being taken away again?! I don't even know what to eat!

Luckily, according to the always correct wikipedia, usually if its cooked into something (like fatty Christmas baked goods) it cooks out the part that sets off most peoples allergies. So no more wine and cheese nights, but apparently I can still replace my dinners with cookies if needed. I guess it's time to start cooking for myself again. Gosh I miss my socal Trader Joe's and Henry's where the healthy milk free foods flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And the fruits and vegetables actually taste good so I eat them...mmmmmmm.

And NOW for the countdown to Christmas holiday in San Diego!

Only 8 more days until I leave!!

Goodbye Idealism.

Something happened to me when I was young, and continues to happen even as I am an adult talking with my parents. Somehow this idealistic view of what my life would be like crept up and took over every part of myself. I was supposed to go to college and meet the man of my dreams, we get married with a big beautiful white wedding, live in a house in San Diego where I have a full time teaching job somewhere, and then we have babies and live happily ever. This is what I've considered the norm for most peoples lives (unless they're "weird") and of course what would happen with my life too. And I was happy about it. It includes love, security, career, family- the whole deal in one neat little package.

The last few years have constantly been hitting me with reality checks, especially since I've moved here away from the direct influence of my culture and parents, but none so much as what happened last night.

You know how much we like Birthday Boy. And how much birthday boy likes me. It's been quite the little whirlwind romance for us (which I feel like is my middle name at this point). We are trying not to rush into things without spending more time together, so for now we're just loving talking to each other and are seriously trying to plan time to spend together before he moves to socal, and aren't seeing anyone else. Well, can't even consider seeing anyone else because the like we have for each other has suddenly blind sided us. Which is why after barely hearing from him all week, I wasn't nervous about him not liking me anymore, but just worried about him. And sure enough, he tells me he's been in the hospital on and off all week. Because, oh you know, the inside of his brain is BLEEDING and shutting down the right side of his brain so he's getting these horrible migraines and now can't open his right EYE. Apparently he wasn't super surprised because he's had four concussions when he was in high school playing sports and they've already been keeping an eye on a dark bruise they found on a recent scan, but I was freaking the fuck out. My immediate thoughts were "Oh good, finally found the love of my life and he's going to have brain damage"- so dramatic and self centered, jeez. But apparently the doctors say he's going to be fine and are just waiting to get some old scans sent to Brazil so they can do comparisons of old and current scans to see the damage. Plus, if he needs serious surgery he'll be sent to DC and if its over the time I'll be home...which is likely...I can go see him and BE there for him. Can you imagine getting news that you might have brain damage and might have to leave the marines while all alone in Brazil? I cried my little face off worried and so sad for him, and so frustrated I wasn't with him to even just hug him and tell him its going to be ok.

AND THEN.

AND THEN.

AND THEN.

He told me he has a 15 month old son back in Mississippi.

Someone had oddly commented on one of his status updates regarding him being a parent, I thought it was a typo but wanted to ask him about it anyway and he stupidly responded to this in the same email as the head injury hospital news. Luckily for him, in my heart the hospital beat out the son issue two fold so we didn't even talk about it again until much later. He hadn't initially told me because we both thought it was just a fling, and then when he realized he really cared about me he just couldn't "find the right time" because I've been so stressed out lately. I told him never to hold back talking to me about something because of what I'm going through, unless its like the day of someones funeral or something, but I was rather serious about that point. He was "terrified" to tell me because he hasn't felt this much chemistry and connection with anyone in a long time and didn't want to lose me. Cue expression of how much he likes me.

So yeah. After those emails, this little girls imaginary idealistic future had the last bits kicked out of it. Which is really for the better. It's not fair to have such ridiculous expectations for myself and others. And why can't I fall for someone with a son? What's wrong with that? My cousin is one of my favorite people in the world and he has a daughter...got married young and it didn't work out, I think he's totally a catch so why can't I fall for someone too? And for birthday boy it was with his girlfriend of 3 years, not some random girl or anything. They just have their issues so they can't be together but are still on good terms because of the babycakes. But lets not be in denial of the whole thing, when he moves to socal and if we're able to try the whole real life dating thing for a few years eventually he's going to have to move back to Mississippi to forever be close to him. And he should, and I encourage it, but is that something I really want to sign up for? Leaving my amazing family and city to forever be connected to this woman and child and move myself to the south? Everything between us is already so complicated adding this into the equation really impacts things.

So I decided I had two choices. Run now before we get any closer and find someone who has these idealistic characteristics I've been imagining for myself. Or, just not worry about it yet- which I think is the better option at this point. I'm not even going to tell my lovely but opinionated parents about this new fun tid bit until Birthday Boy and I are living in the same place at the same time for awhile and have an official title. And I'm not going to get ahead of myself worrying about where we're going to live together someday and such silliness, lets just take it one day at a time here crazy.

But then again...whose to say I wouldn't love living in a big old house with all my babycakes in a historic college town? In fact, sounds rather lovely. I mean, I could potentially love this:

Isn't it funny when the plans you have for yourself aren't even remotely close to the plans life and God have for you? However the realization can be difficult to adjust to. 

Pretty Sure I Have TB.

Ok, slightly dramatic, but the symptoms are certainly the same! I can't breathe, have coughing fits, and cough up gross stuff- come on, it has to be TB. It's certainly not a cold anymore or allergies as the doctors here tried to tell me, so I am just waiting for the test results to see what kind of antibiotics I'm sure I'll need.

Oh it is FUN being deathly ill and trying to navigate all these doctors whose English isn't always the best, and when you have to take your sick self on the tram to another part of town you've never been to following the address on a sticky note to a Slovak hospital older then you where the people with NO English take an X ray of your face. Oh, and its storming and freezing the entire time. Seriously, I am AWESOME. I was annoyed the entire time because I didn't feel well and it was the last thing I knew my poor body needed, to be walking around in the freezing rain barely able to breathe. But I did it! And later realized- "Wow, look at you city girl. Not only have you MADE it in a city, but a foreign city with very little English speaking people to boot! You kind of rule"

A lot of things have been happening on top of this horrible illness. Work asked if I'd like to MOVE back home at Christmas to be with my mom with no hard feelings between me and the school and a letter of recommendation too leave with too. The director tried to relieve me of any moral attachments I had to the kids or school and encouraged me to make a decision best for me and my family. I'll not tell you the decision until I am ready.

On top of that Birthday Boy has been a little MIA this week...not completely and I know it's because his computer has problems and work stuff, but I'm not used to not talking to him almost everyday and miss him. We've sent a few lovely emails, but because I've been sick, needed to talk through my decision, and generally a bit needy it hasn't felt like enough and I'm starting to get annoyed that he isn't putting enough effort in to try and find time to talk to me.

Plus roomie and her boyfriend are having serious drama, again, and I am having to console her and am actually worried to leave her here over Christmas. If they don't work out then she's going to be ALL ALONE on Christmas and New Year's and I would just feel horrible. I've been thinking that besides both of them being crazy, this is why its generally just really hard to live with a couple. These two fight a lot more then usual couples do, and when they do its RIDICULOUS, but I am always in the middle of it because not only do I live here, but I am also her best friend here. I have become like this third person in their relationship- its so strange.

Oh gosh am I excited about coming home for Christmas! I am already planning all of the gifts I'll be getting everyone from the folk shops and open air Christmas markets (once I can breathe properly again of course) and can't wait to enjoy the nice weather and sunshine! Plus, I do miss my family more then I can really say. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I value my real friends and family now so SO much. I can't wait to snuggle with everyone and just laugh and relax and enjoy.

Also, I'm sadly about finished with Mad Men...it's seriously sad. I feel like I am now best friends with all of the characters how could we possibly part ways! But I AM also downloading The Wire and am ready for another show to keep me up nights.

I'm ready for friends and family and Christmas please.

Cue A Group "Awwwww" and Bursting Hearts.

So I just went ahead and emailed the director of education in Brazil that Birthday Boy led me too . A very proper email asking for more information and attached my resume. Just figured I'd at least entertain the idea a little and get more information. Then I messaged Birthday Boy and asked if we could talk more about it, so we did.

The 2 hour conversation took place on roomies ipad while we were at someones house and they all played poker. I didn't want to play (def not my jam) and was perfectly happy playing with their puppy and drinking the ENTIRE bottle of wine I brought before the ipad came out, and all the happier when I got to socialize but also chat with the boy I have a serious crush on. And now for a summary:

Me: I don't want to just move there for you, but if I do come I don't want all of this to just be you "being nice" and then I come and there's nothing between us. But on the other hand if I come and we don't work out I can still be doing my own thing and there is a legit expat community I can be a part of. I am unhappy here with my job, friends, living situation, etc. And since I moved here barely knowing one person, it doesn't seem too crazy to move somewhere where I feel I do have a serious connection with the person. What do you think?

Birthday Boy: Of course I don't want you to move here because of me, I just think a new city and job opportunity would be nice for you. In fact, I'd rather you take me out of the equation entirely and come for other reasons...I just get to be a fun perk! haha. Honestly, I would so happy if you came, but don't come just for me. But on a serious note...I haven't felt the way I feel about you in a long time. Like...it's weird how much I think about you and "us". I know its not infatuation, which is a good thing, and I would like to see where this goes!

Me: I feel the same way, but feel stupid for feeling this way.

Birthday Boy: I do too, like I'm too old to be feeling this way. You seriously go against all of my logic!

etc...

So all of that made me happy.
Happier then I've been in awhile actually.

xoxo

HL

Why Not?

Birthday Boy and I are still always chatting online about our lives and even reliving our brief, but fantastic, escapade. We are quickly becoming rather close friends and silly sex talk has turned into serious life, relationships, family, and future talk. He has quite honestly become one of my dearest friends/ex-lovers/?

Yeah thats right. The younger then me Marine from the south who almost threw up on me the first night we attempted to hook up and then 2 months later spent the most amazing time together before he moved to BRASILIA (how do I find these unattainable guys?!).

He is such a LOVELY man I was constantly in shock by how sweet he was with me when we were physically together and then how he continues to pursue and fall for me even after leaving. He knows my struggles with work, friends, roomie, and other things here in Bratislava so he- on his own free will- asked the international school contacts he's found there (working at the US embassy has its perks) and got a bunch of information for me to contact them. He said the teachers are always talking about how much they love working there, the weather and culture are amazing, and to teach English at university level or privately you can make $100/hour (INSERT OMG HERE). Plus he's mentioned more then once, "everything is great, all I need is you!"

Of course everything is telling me no no no. What happens if I get there and him and I don't work out and I'm stuck there? Or if I leave the few friends I have finally made here? South America is not Europe safety wise and I'll still be far from home too.

But.

On the other hand.

Why the hell NOT?

SO WHAT if I get there and we don't "work out"? I'll still be a professional awesome young woman living in the capital city of Brazil. I'll never be 'stuck' anywhere- we all make our own choices. And the few 'friends' I do have here I don't really feel like are my friends at all. We are at the exact same surface level we were when I got here. Besides roomie. But as discussed roomie is kind of crazy and is all wrapped up in her bf and work anyway. When I am having a hard time she doesn't even know how to hug me. As soon as I told her about birthday boy sending me this info and my surprise she was like, "WHY? GO! It'd be amazing!"

Plus, I am kind of over Europe to be honest. I feel like I've "seen it all" and am sick of the ignorant culture. Maybe it'd be different if I were in western Europe, but getting a job there is nearly impossible so why not take a chance and explore South America a bit? I am dying to see Machu Piccu, experience Mardi Grais, dance the tango and eat steak in Buenos Aires....are you allowed to swim in the Rio?

I think its hard for me to imagine doing something so...rash. I never saw my life like this. It was always...go to college, graduate and teach in San Diego, get married, have babies, live by family. And now its like there is this entire...WORLD...I can just do whatever I want to! If I go to Brazil for a few months and enjoy my time with the sweet guy and it doesn't work out? I can just go somewhere else! If I leave Europe to teach in South America and then want to go back? I CAN! If I get over living abroad and want to move back to San Diego- what a concept, get ready- I CAN.

Of course I am still constantly worried about my mum. And I'll still be a long and expensive plane ride away. But then again, I moved here barely knowing one person and look how far I've come? How about moving somewhere to be with a boy I have a serious connection with and already has an established American community? Whats the difference really?

So someone might seriously be considering moving to...Brasilia. Yeah, that just happened.

Thoughts?

xoxo

HL