Jealousy.

"Jealousy is nothing more then a fear of abandonment"

Jealousy creeps up on you like a cold in winter. One minute you're a little sneezy and colder then usual, and the next you're in bed moaning with a fever and coughing up your lungs.

I've found jealousy behind my odd outward feelings before.

...I love her and am so happy for her, why did I get so annoyed with all her wedding bullshit? Oh yeah...because I guess somewhere inside I sure do wish I was the one getting married.

or the more recent:

...why am I obsessing about birthday boys ex girlfriend and baby they have together?

Took me awhile and some tossing and turning to realize what it was. And I don't think it helped that I stumbled (YES stumbled) on her facebook page where she still has pictures of them together. One of them together in bed...one of her holding an "I love..." sign...one of them all together with the caption "my little family", etc.

Now my "crazy" detector went off when I saw how OLD these photos were (circa 2009 and beyond), and I trust him when he says they've been broken up for a year and besides that were on the verge for even longer, and that she still loves him. Of course she does, who wouldn't love a great guy like him who you have your child with? And how can I be upset when its not his facebook page. Besides that, his family are SO excited about me and can't stand her so I don't have to worry about that. Plus...ok I am going to be really mean right now but once again, its my blog and I can write what I want...but the poor girl is extremely unattractive. I now know why he thinks I am just SO beautiful. Good God. Ok, got that out...moving on...

After going through all of this...and making a personal rule I am no longer allowed on her FB page...I realized what was really going on.

It was fucking jealousy.

And it was a bit understandable I suppose. But when I force myself to look at my life with him in the future I have to share everything with her. I wouldn't get to experience his first pregnancy with him...I wouldn't get to share all the babies firsts with him...I'd have to revolve our entire lives around this other child and woman he had in his life for years before me. And don't get me wrong, he sent me pictures last week and OMG the babycakes is cutest thing of my entire life!!! And I love kids, I don't see a problem there in the least. But am truly jealous she stole all of those first experiences from me. Plus, he's forever connected to a girl who totally still loves him but I have to trust that he doesn't return the feelings. It's just a lot.

And worst of all, the person I would talk to about this is him- but I really don't feel like I can. Especially since then my crazy detector would go off in thinking so far into the future and in stumbling and then stalking his ex's FB page.


So we're going to busy ourselves with the many many things I have to do these next few days and try to not think about everything my little heart just wants to obsess about. Plus, I think some obvious prayer to take the jealousy away would be important right about now. And of course, our time together next week should either ease some of these feelings or make it obvious which direction this relationship needs to go.

But honestly, I'm SO EXCITED to see and spend time with him it's not even funny!!!!

xoxo

HL