Wednesday, December 28, 2011


It would appear that my jealousy turned into crazy as I pondered the quote,
"jealousy is nothing more then fear of abandonment"

Yesterday I realized I'm actually just afraid of birthday boy going home and reconnecting with his ex. I would make sense since they were together for years (even though it was mostly long distance the entire time), have a child together, and she still loves him.

Battling this level of nervousness is difficult. I am trying to remind myself how he talks about her, almost like hes disgusted by her. From the sounds of it (and looks of it), she's a pretty ridiculous person and his own words to me even were "she's a good mother, she's just not a good person". Plus I keep trying to remember how head over heels he is for me. He's paying all this money to come out to see me and is SO excited, sent me 2 dozen roses and 2 boxes of chocolate covered strawberries for Christmas (I know, omg), and even emailed me today to let me know he got in ok and he'll be calling me later. So I suppose my fears are warranted just based solely on the situation, but when I make myself calm down and actually think about HIM and I and US when we talk and are together- I know I am just being ridiculous.

It's such a weird time in our lives. Everyone is working these odd jobs as stepping stones to the one they really want, even though we've already graduated we still don't have any money, everyone is getting married or having babies and their stories are so unique with how they they kept the relationship going even though they were both moving around for work or they dealt with each others past relationship/money/family baggage. There really is no picture perfect life out there. I see people trying to make it perfect and find them so silly, but then why do I continue to do it too?

I feel like one of my life long battles, what I will have to continually ask God to help me with again and again- will be living and enjoying the moment instead of WORRYING so much about the future. Why can't I just enjoy what birthday boy and I have right now instead of obsessing about the future? Am I happy with how things are right now- YES. Is it what I idealized for myself? no. But its ok because I'm still happy right now.



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