I don't know if it's been obvious or not, but neither birthday boy or I have even so much as kissed another person since we were last together in October. That's kind one of the reasons we knew we liked each other actually... separately neither of us took the opportunity or pursuit of any other people because we secretly didn't want to ruin what was happening between us. We were also having a hard time trying to imagine someone following up what we had shared together. I remember the night I got back from the club and wrote him,
"oh noooooo, you know I like you when I won't dance with anyone else at the club because it feels weird since its not you!"
He laughed and said, he felt the exact same way. It's to the point that even if we're out we don't even notice anyone of the opposite sex anymore...we're just kind of bummed the other person isn't there. Yeah, that happened.
So yes, that means little Miss Horndog (new "affectionate" nick name Annie gave me today haha) has willingly, and somewhat easily, abstained from any kind of sexual or even intense flirting activities since the first weekend in October. I suppose it wasn't very difficult...just recently it has been as the anticipation of seeing him grows and the need for the normal amount of positive male attention strengthens, but otherwise it almost just seems obvious. I mean, of course I don't want to flirt with that random guy when MY guy is so much better and we're crazy about each other. And WHY would I want to have any kind of meaningless sex with random when I could just hold out a little and have the best EVER and sweetest EVER with my guy? But it also means that sometimes I don't even want to go out and would rather just be home talking to him, teehee.
So I realize that 3 months isn't very long for some people, but for me it VERY MUCH is. I insisted that we make the first day he's here a continuation of our last rendezvous in Bratislava which was basically amazing days of what he likes to call "naked movie day" where we just laid in bed and laughed and talked and watched movies naked while intermittently having a lot of amazing sex. Seriously, so much fun. We're STILL referencing jokes and fun things that happened during that sweet time together. So from the airport on Tuesday we're going straight to Hustler for funsies and then to the hotel...only to emerge for dinner in which I'd like him to try some Mexican food (obviously) and bring it back to our room to eat...back in bed. He even has the movie list completed of what we're going to watch together because he's so excited.
If I am able to walk after Tuesday, on Wednesday morning we're going to the zoo (which was all his idea and again, he's SO excited, its really cute) then up to my parents house for the family/friend dinner event. Somehow Cassie and Annie got invited and now I feel like I am going to be SO embarrassed somehow...although Annie did promise "I won't mention the lazy eye when you're tired issue or..." so that was 'encouraging'. Plus I asked my mom to make rice and beans and Spanish hamburgers...which I didn't realize is going to make for a ROUGH rest of the evening in my body. Better pack some zantac or good Lord is he going to get to know me well. And Thursday (if Im not still in the bathroom) he wants to go to SeaWorld! Obviously I didn't argue. AND After a little research it looks like he gets in FREE for military to both places! And I think Melissa's gift of my fake wedding ring will come in handy so maybe the free spouse thing can work too. Who else would abuse the military personnel discount? Do you not know me by now?
PS Update on my silliness. I told birthday boy about my worry's of him going home and forgetting about me. He basically laughed in my face with a "Why on earth would you ever think that?! I am counting down until we are together!" answer and I called it a day. Still working on trying to stay present without getting too attached and ending up hurt at the same time. It's really "fun" to try and balance all of that as usual.
OMG 3 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO BE WITH MY FAVORITE!!!!
I really couldn't be happier with my decision to move back. I know its the holidays so things are more lovely than usual, but my welcome home has just been amazing. I forgot how FULL my life is here. In Bratislava I was so lonely, bored, and frustrated all the time. But as soon as I come home I have so many options of things to do and people to see. I haven't been cuddled and loved on by so many people in so long...I keep sitting in it and enjoying. Even just to be hugged...so sweet to me now.
One of the things I did learn in Bratislava though, was how to be alone and be ok with it. I am so much more independent now and ok with doing things on my own...I even like it most of the time. And not just errands or regular activities, just even things I enjoy. Going alone to a cafe, museum, or book store that my friends might not share an interest with me in doesn't really bother me anymore. In fact, I kind of like it. Especially after having to engage all week with the kids...I am pretty socially drained after that and welcome the solitude.
So here are some snippets of my welcome home...
Crappy cell phone pictures of my beautiful 2 dozen roses and then the chocolate covered strawberries the next day from my birthday boy
Christmas eve decorating the tree with my family and then a big delicious dinner with my aunt, uncle and babycakes
Christmas day with my awesome family. I was SO tired from waking up at 3 because of the time change...we just relaxed and enjoyed each other all day. Mom and I even took a long nap in the afternoon before the big delicious dinner- perfect.
Day after Christmas wine tasting with my awesome family.
SO MUCH FUN and such a nice treat from them.
*note the huge band aid on my poor knee. We've been discussing her needing to be healed by next week when birthday boy comes. This is serious business.
I had my old girl friends over last night for a wine and appetizer affair and OH! It was SO SO SO fun!!! Of course there is a normal one of us, but this is just so much more realistic.
Oh how we laughed...
But then I mixed gin n tonic with too many glasses of wine and am now bedridden for today. I was supposed to go help one of my many engaged friends with her wedding prep today, but apparently standing up still isn't a good idea...
So many more fun things to come! I am so happy to be home.
It would appear that my jealousy turned into crazy as I pondered the quote,
"jealousy is nothing more then fear of abandonment"
Yesterday I realized I'm actually just afraid of birthday boy going home and reconnecting with his ex. I mean...it would make sense since they were together for years (even though it was mostly long distance the entire time), have a child together, and she still loves him.
Battling this level of nervousness is difficult. I am trying to remind myself how he talks about her, almost like hes disgusted by her. From the sounds of it (and looks of it), she's a pretty ridiculous person and his own words to me even were "she's a good mother, she's just not a good person". Plus I keep trying to remember how head over heels he is for me. He's paying all this money to come out to see me and is SO excited, sent me 2 dozen roses and 2 boxes of chocolate covered strawberries for Christmas (I know, omg), and even emailed me today to let me know he got in ok and he'll be calling me later. So I suppose my fears are warranted just based solely on the situation, but when I make myself calm down and actually think about HIM and I and US when we talk and are together- I know I am just being ridiculous.
It's such a weird time in our lives. Everyone is working these odd jobs as stepping stones to the one they really want, even though we've already graduated we still don't have any money, everyone is getting married or having babies and their stories are so unique with how they met...how they kept the relationship going even though they were both moving around for work or school...how they dealt with each others past relationship/money/family baggage. There really is no picture perfect life out there. I see people trying to make it perfect and find them so silly, but then why do I continue to do it too?
I feel like one of my life long battles, what I will have to continually ask God to help me with again and again- will be living and enjoying the moment instead of WORRYING so much about the future. Why can't I just enjoy what birthday boy and I have right now instead of obsessing about the future? Am I happy with how things are right now- YES. Is it what I idealized for myself? no. But its ok because I'm still happy right now.
"Jealousy is nothing more then a fear of abandonment"
Jealousy creeps up on you like a cold in winter. One minute you're a little sneezy and colder then usual, and the next you're in bed moaning with a fever and coughing up your lungs.
I've found jealousy behind my odd outward feelings before.
...I love her and am so happy for her, why did I get so annoyed with all her wedding bullshit? Oh yeah...because I guess somewhere inside I sure do wish I was the one getting married.
or the more recent:
...why am I obsessing about birthday boys ex girlfriend and baby they have together?
Took me awhile and some tossing and turning to realize what it was. And I don't think it helped that I stumbled (YES stumbled) on her facebook page where she still has pictures of them together. One of them together in bed...one of her holding an "I love..." sign...one of them all together with the caption "my little family", etc.
Now my "crazy" detector went off when I saw how OLD these photos were (circa 2009 and beyond), and I trust him when he says they've been broken up for a year and besides that were on the verge for even longer, and that she still loves him. Of course she does, who wouldn't love a great guy like him who you have your child with? And how can I be upset when its not his facebook page. Besides that, his family are SO excited about me and can't stand her so I don't have to worry about that. Plus...ok I am going to be really mean right now but once again, its my blog and I can write what I want...but the poor girl is extremely unattractive. I now know why he thinks I am just SO beautiful. Good God. Ok, got that out...moving on...
After going through all of this...and making a personal rule I am no longer allowed on her FB page...I realized what was really going on.
It was fucking jealousy.
And it was a bit understandable I suppose. But when I force myself to look at my life with him in the future I have to share everything with her. I wouldn't get to experience his first pregnancy with him...I wouldn't get to share all the babies firsts with him...I'd have to revolve our entire lives around this other child and woman he had in his life for years before me. And don't get me wrong, he sent me pictures last week and OMG the babycakes is cutest thing of my entire life!!! And I love kids, I don't see a problem there in the least. But am truly jealous she stole all of those first experiences from me. Plus, he's forever connected to a girl who totally still loves him but I have to trust that he doesn't return the feelings. It's just a lot.
And worst of all, the person I would talk to about this is him- but I really don't feel like I can. Especially since then my crazy detector would go off in thinking so far into the future and in stumbling and then stalking his ex's FB page.
So we're going to busy ourselves with the many many things I have to do these next few days and try to not think about everything my little heart just wants to obsess about. Plus, I think some obvious prayer to take the jealousy away would be important right about now. And of course, our time together next week should either ease some of these feelings or make it obvious which direction this relationship needs to go.
But honestly, I'm SO EXCITED to see and spend time with him it's not even funny!!!!
Not surprisingly, a lot has happened since I had to take a break from writing due to mum's big surprise...and due to my general busyness regarding said surprise.
We are now ONE WEEK on the countdown until my birthday boy comes to see me for 3 glorious days!!! His flight is booked, our hotel downtown is booked, we have plans everyday, and are even bringing him around to meet the family. And thats where the drama began. We both felt like it wasn't appropriate to just hole up downtown in a hotel for 3 days and not even attempt to see the family, so I just quickly emailed and asked my mom if they'd like to have us over for dinner one of the nights so they could meet him and everything. OMG YOU'D HAVE THOUGHT HER HEAD EXPLODED.
Now, mom has been under a lot of stress with the cancer and scan results. And understandably didn't know I was coming home for longer then 2 weeks so she felt like her precious time with me was being infringed upon. But I was NOT expecting a "while I can't condone your actions before marriage - use protection - should we look into those HPV shots for you? - it's awkward you're staying in a hotel with a man we've never met - who the hell IS this guy - watch out for those marines, they're dirty and have STDs - great, now when am I supposed to spend time with you" email back. Needless to say, I was NOT happy about it. After getting pissed off about it, I calmed down and realized it was just my mom freaking out because she doesn't know everything about my life anymore and its upsetting her. Plus, she's being overtly judgmental about me and birthday boy instead of trusting that I found a nice guy and am so happy.
I wrote her back a nice but firm "back the fuck off" email regarding my sex life and even relationships. I said that if I want to share things with her I will, but I have my own life now and just because she doesn't know ALL about this guy doesn't mean he's bad and everyone should freak out. It all needed to be said. And I definitely felt better after having said it.
But of course she never wrote back and has just pretended like it never happened.
Although she did ask me about him lots now that I'm here and I've told her the general story of how we met (left out the funny and sexy parts) and about him in general. It's really "fun" having my family pretty much completely dislike him because he is a marine and are planning on it not working out. I can hear it in their voices and when they talk and think I can't hear. Yesterday it even came out that he has a son and they didn't even bat an eye. I think its because they figure it's not going to work out so who cares. Unless they are rather suddenly less judgmental and idealistic about my life then I thought. I wonder if they know how difficult it is to find good guys out there these days...
Also, I can tell everyone in the family are all worried about me finding a guy to marry and have kids with. What the hell? Now that I am 26 I'm an old spinster with my eggs drying up! No man will ever want me! Oh no! What year is it 1902? I think it'll be fun when they all realize I'm having relationships with SEX and NOT getting married, oh the humanity.
Updates on the man in my life...
I don't really know what to say about whats going on between us, besides it just being lovely and perfect as usual. If we don't talk or chat everyday, its weird, and now that I have an American number he can call me from work for free. So we talked for like 5 hours at 3a the other night (adjusting to the time change is NOT easy) while he was at work and after we hung up I was shocked at how long we'd been talking. It's just that ease you have with that person where you can just go on and on for hours about anything and everything. I love how we talk to each other too, we're both SO honest and open about everything. We can talk about sex like it isn't a big deal then switch to talking about the details of our relationship in a blink. I appreciate how open he is with expressing his feelings about me, I've never had a man express himself so openly. Number 2 was always trying to hide his feelings and PAG was always trying to ignore and not deal with them since I was leaving. Birthday Boy doesn't care about the distance, that my family has doomed us to fail, that he has a son, anything. He is all in. Even when I get nervous about things he just continues to value and pursue me because he likes me so much.
We decided to tell the family he is my boyfriend just to make things easier. Plus, we do both want to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend...we just realize it's rather sudden and intense after not having spent SO much time together. And that was a mutual decision, not just him or just me. We are very much always on the same page. It'll be interesting to see how things go while he's here, what feelings will surface. I am just excited to spend so much time with him, do fun things together, have some amazing sex, everything will be so sweet. And if you think I'M excited you should hear him, it's pretty much the cutest thing ever.
But in true self fashion when left alone for too long with my thoughts I begin to freak out. Do we just like each other because we were both lonely in foreign countries and valued having someone to talk to? Do I really want to sign up for a lovely man who has a precious child...with another woman who is still head over heels for him? (more on that later). And if he doesn't come to San Diego in October, how long can I really keep this long distance thing up for? Do I have to follow his military career around and then follow him to living by his child in MS in the end too? Because that sure is a lot to give up. It's almost scarier to have him be called my boyfriend because of all these questions that suddenly surface, it was easier when it was just a "we like each other and want to see what happens..."
I suppose a lot is riding on our time together next week. Everything inside of my heart tells me that everything between us and everything about him that I love make whatever will happen worth it. And my heart keeps yelling at my head to calm down and just enjoy the moment and stop stressing out.
Tonight I am hosting my girl friends, its the first time in over a year we are all in town at the same time. If anything, their non traditional relationships always seem to make me feel better about my own. Seriously, coming to terms with saying good bye to idealism is a tough lesson.
I know I have been majorly playing the disappearing act lately, BUT in my defense I was protecting my big secret which was finally revealed today! This little world traveler has decided to take a break and return home "permanently" to socal this holiday! I only told the people I was saying goodbye to in Bratislava, work of course, and my brother. All so I could do THIS today!
*please note my mums new birthday gloves I got her that she refused to take off and my parents kooky Christmas hats they wore all day. Try not to be TOO jealous of my family.
Then mom cried her little eyes out!
Yeah I know, they were pretty excited about their BIG surprise. And I'm so glad I don't have to constantly lie anymore!
And now for the WHY.
Let's be honest, work has been extremely draining and then I'm still struggling with money every month. My mum was IN the hospital for like 2 weeks and we had that big cancer scare where I pretty much already wanted to go home then. And theres roomie with her constant boyfriend drama I was involved in WAY too close for comfort. Plus, all my friends there had decided to stop being my friend so I was already starting all over trying to make a life for myself. SO when work asked me if I'd like to stay home at the holiday because of everything with my mum, I thought about it for a week and although it was tough decided on YES PLEASE. They found a lovely replacement for me who will start when the kids come back, I got to say good bye to the kids and friends outside of work in secret, and then had to try and do all of my Christmas shopping, figure out the substituting job back here, pack up my entire life, finish grading trimester tests and put together all the kids progress reports within like ONE week. I feel like I haven't slept in days and days.
I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I really had to wrap my head around not living in a city for awhile...living back with my parents...not being able to have my own classroom anymore...leaving roomie (who although is drama, is also like my sister), etc. But in the end the weight I felt leave me the moment my director asked if I'd like to stay home and still be on good terms with the school was unmistakable. I was already thinking of quitting the school in December and moving somewhere else anyway, as you all know, but in the end realized I'd be there all alone again and have to start over anyway. It just wasn't appealing anymore. I missed my friends and family who I feel so comfortable, loved, and relaxed with. I missed English, my own socal culture, the sunshine, the food, just everything! And as the plane came in over LA and I teared up happily seeing my beautiful coastline and socal sunshine- I knew I made the right decision.
But oh we have so much to catch up on now!
However, it will have to wait until after Christmas dinner...wine tasting with the family tomorrow...and all the fun I've been missing out on here. This is seriously, the best Christmas my family has had in so long!
She just had her cancer scan done this week and it came back completely CLEAN.
She has to be scanned every 3 months, and especially after everything that happened over the fall we never completely relax. But for right now my momma is CANCER FREE and I cried my little eyes out when I got the news. I feel like I can finally breathe again.
Apologies for the lack of posts lately. Was very sick, now swamped with work and getting ready to go home for the holiday. Really, I am always surprised by how much stress it's possible to have within one person.
Plus...I have some secrets I can't spill yet that just seem to blurt out when I'm writing so I've been avoiding you like the plague.
But here we are.
BECAUSE I have some wonderful! fantastic! amazing! beautiful! news that I CAN share!!!!
My birthday boy is coming to visit ME in San Diego January 3-7!!!!
We booked our swanky hotel downtown for 3 nights and got a legit deal from one of his family friends. My favorite part was when I was telling him all the different things there is to do and asked him what he'd like to do because he got SO excited to go to Sea World, the zoo, and Disneyland with me (all his ideas, besides Disney obviously). I'm not sure we can squeeze all of that into 2.5 days...or if any sane person would even want to...but either way we're pumped.
We were so thrilled about spending merely 3 days together we forgot about the amazing hot sex we were going to have too! So then we talked about that and got even MORE excited. And I haven't realized how long it's been since I've had sex- my birthday. Over 2 months. I'm going to die. No wonder I'm all stressed out, damn.
My mum has another scan for cancer tomorrow. Found out today birthday boys brain IS officially slowly bleeding and he's going to have to figure out treatment in the states asap. My class has been EXTRA draining lately. Christmas shopping. I think hormones might be spicing things up a bit here. Plus my secrets are pretty big ones. Cue crying in my classroom today when the kids went to lunch. The only thing keeping me sane is imaging HOME December 22nd and my lover January 3rd. But theres just SO MUCH to do from now until then I may have a heart attack in the process.
Good news! Got some results back from the doctor and am officially allergic to milk. Not just lactose intolerance that hurts my tummy like I thought- but instead its even more fun. When I eat it, it suppresses my immune system so I get more sick, makes me congested, gives me headaches, AND hurts my tummy! On the one hand I'm glad to know why I am perpetually stuffed up and keep getting SO sick all the time, on the other hand MILK?! REALLY? I just fell back in love with cheese and yogurt after the vegan diet ended and now they are rudely being taken away again?! I don't even know what to eat!
Luckily, according to the always correct wikipedia, usually if its cooked into something (like fatty Christmas baked goods) it cooks out the part that sets off most peoples allergies. So no more wine and cheese nights, but apparently I can still replace my dinners with cookies if needed. I guess it's time to start cooking for myself again. Gosh I miss my socal Trader Joe's and Henry's where the healthy milk free foods flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And the fruits and vegetables actually taste good so I eat them...mmmmmmm.
And NOW for the countdown to Christmas holiday in San Diego!
Something happened to me when I was young, and continues to happen even as I am an adult talking with my parents. Somehow this idealistic view of what my life would be like crept up and took over every part of myself. I was supposed to go to college and meet the man of my dreams, we get married with a big beautiful white wedding, live in a house in San Diego where I have a full time teaching job somewhere, and then we have babies and live happily ever. This is what I've considered the norm for most peoples lives (unless they're "weird") and of course what would happen with my life too. And I was happy about it. It includes love, security, career, family- the whole deal in one neat little package.
The last few years have constantly been hitting me with reality checks, especially since I've moved here away from the direct influence of my culture and parents, but none so much as what happened last night.
You know how much we like Birthday Boy. And how much birthday boy likes me. It's been quite the little whirlwind romance for us (which I feel like is my middle name at this point). We are trying not to rush into things without spending more time together, so for now we're just loving talking to each other and are seriously trying to plan time to spend together before he moves to socal, and aren't seeing anyone else. Well, can't even consider seeing anyone else because the like we have for each other has suddenly blind sided us. Which is why after barely hearing from him all week, I wasn't nervous about him not liking me anymore, but just worried about him. And sure enough, he tells me he's been in the hospital on and off all week. Because, oh you know, the inside of his brain is BLEEDING and shutting down the right side of his brain so he's getting these horrible migraines and now can't open his right EYE. Apparently he wasn't super surprised because he's had four concussions when he was in high school playing sports and they've already been keeping an eye on a dark bruise they found on a recent scan, but I was freaking the fuck out. My immediate thoughts were "Oh good, finally found the love of my life and he's going to have brain damage"- so dramatic and self centered, jeez. But apparently the doctors say he's going to be fine and are just waiting to get some old scans sent to Brazil so they can do comparisons of old and current scans to see the damage. Plus, if he needs serious surgery he'll be sent to DC and if its over the time I'll be home...which is likely...I can go see him and BE there for him. Can you imagine getting news that you might have brain damage and might have to leave the marines while all alone in Brazil? I cried my little face off worried and so sad for him, and so frustrated I wasn't with him to even just hug him and tell him its going to be ok.
He told me he has a 15 month old son back in Mississippi.
Someone had oddly commented on one of his status updates regarding him being a parent, I thought it was a typo but wanted to ask him about it anyway and he stupidly responded to this in the same email as the head injury hospital news. Luckily for him, in my heart the hospital beat out the son issue two fold so we didn't even talk about it again until much later. He hadn't initially told me because we both thought it was just a fling, and then when he realized he really cared about me he just couldn't "find the right time" because I've been so stressed out lately. I told him never to hold back talking to me about something because of what I'm going through, unless its like the day of someones funeral or something, but I was rather serious about that point. He was "terrified" to tell me because he hasn't felt this much chemistry and connection with anyone in a long time and didn't want to lose me. Cue expression of how much he likes me.
So yeah. After those emails, this little girls imaginary idealistic future had the last bits kicked out of it. Which is really for the better. It's not fair to have such ridiculous expectations for myself and others. And why can't I fall for someone with a son? What's wrong with that? My cousin is one of my favorite people in the world and he has a daughter...got married young and it didn't work out, I think he's totally a catch so why can't I fall for someone too? And for birthday boy it was with his girlfriend of 3 years, not some random girl or anything. They just have their issues so they can't be together but are still on good terms because of the babycakes. But lets not be in denial of the whole thing, when he moves to socal and if we're able to try the whole real life dating thing for a few years eventually he's going to have to move back to Mississippi to forever be close to him. And he should, and I encourage it, but is that something I really want to sign up for? Leaving my amazing family and city to forever be connected to this woman and child and move myself to the south? Everything between us is already so complicated adding this into the equation really impacts things.
So I decided I had two choices. Run now before we get any closer and find someone who has these idealistic characteristics I've been imagining for myself. Or, just not worry about it yet- which I think is the better option at this point. I'm not even going to tell my lovely but opinionated parents about this new fun tid bit until Birthday Boy and I are living in the same place at the same time for awhile and have an official title. And I'm not going to get ahead of myself worrying about where we're going to live together someday and such silliness, lets just take it one day at a time here crazy.
But then again...whose to say I wouldn't love living in a big old house with all my babycakes in a historic college town? In fact, sounds rather lovely. I mean, I could potentially love this:
Isn't it funny when the plans you have for yourself aren't even remotely close to the plans life and God have for you? However the realization can be difficult to adjust to.
Ok, slightly dramatic, but the symptoms are certainly the same! I can't breathe, have coughing fits, and cough up gross stuff- come on, it has to be TB. It's certainly not a cold anymore or allergies as the doctors here tried to tell me, so I am just waiting for the test results to see what kind of antibiotics I'm sure I'll need.
Oh it is FUN being deathly ill and trying to navigate all these doctors whose English isn't always the best, and when you have to take your sick self on the tram to another part of town you've never been to following the address on a sticky note to a Slovak hospital older then you where the people with NO English take an X ray of your face. Oh, and its storming and freezing the entire time. Seriously, I am AWESOME. I was annoyed the entire time because I didn't feel well and it was the last thing I knew my poor body needed, to be walking around in the freezing rain barely able to breathe. But I did it! And later realized- "Wow, look at you city girl. Not only have you MADE it in a city, but a foreign city with very little English speaking people to boot! You kind of rule"
A lot of things have been happening on top of this horrible illness. Work asked if I'd like to MOVE back home at Christmas to be with my mom with no hard feelings between me and the school and a letter of recommendation too leave with too. The director tried to relieve me of any moral attachments I had to the kids or school and encouraged me to make a decision best for me and my family. I'll not tell you the decision until I am ready.
On top of that Birthday Boy has been a little MIA this week...not completely and I know it's because his computer has problems and work stuff, but I'm not used to not talking to him almost everyday and miss him. We've sent a few lovely emails, but because I've been sick, needed to talk through my decision, and generally a bit needy it hasn't felt like enough and I'm starting to get annoyed that he isn't putting enough effort in to try and find time to talk to me.
Plus roomie and her boyfriend are having serious drama, again, and I am having to console her and am actually worried to leave her here over Christmas. If they don't work out then she's going to be ALL ALONE on Christmas and New Year's and I would just feel horrible. I've been thinking that besides both of them being crazy, this is why its generally just really hard to live with a couple. These two fight a lot more then usual couples do, and when they do its RIDICULOUS, but I am always in the middle of it because not only do I live here, but I am also her best friend here. I have become like this third person in their relationship- its so strange.
Oh gosh am I excited about coming home for Christmas! I am already planning all of the gifts I'll be getting everyone from the folk shops and open air Christmas markets (once I can breathe properly again of course) and can't wait to enjoy the nice weather and sunshine! Plus, I do miss my family more then I can really say. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I value my real friends and family now so SO much. I can't wait to snuggle with everyone and just laugh and relax and enjoy.
Also, I'm sadly about finished with Mad Men...it's seriously sad. I feel like I am now best friends with all of the characters how could we possibly part ways! But I AM also downloading The Wire and am ready for another show to keep me up nights.
I'm ready for friends and family and Christmas please.
I am learning so SO much being here. About myself. About the things everyone in the world has in common, and all of the differences. Friendship. Relationships. Sex. Money. Work.
Seriously, so many things.
A lot of things have happened which made my old "friends" here completely stop inviting me to things and talk a lot of shit behind my back. It was so hurtful and the rejection has been so difficult that I literally didn't even know what to do besides cry. I can't only hang out with roomie and her bf and the occasional work friend- it's been so frustrating. Plus add the depression, constant work stress, and missing home. Needless to say, its been tough.
The dinner I went to last weekend with a different ex-pat community though, was AMAZING! It made me feel better about not necessarily being best friends with my old friends here who ended up rejecting me. Instead I got to spend the evening eating an amazing pre-Thanksgiving turkey dinner with people from all over the world. Our table was all girls and we got to talk about politics, gender roles in society, psychology, social ethics, SO many things! It was seriously, just fantastic. I couldn't find anyone to talk to about those things here, NOTHING genuine or interesting- they just wanted to talk about sex and clubbing last weekend and we had nothing in common besides drinking so what are we supposed to even do if its not a Friday night?
So I've been working on valuing my relationships all over the world with my real and forever friends. The ones who truly know and love me and who I can completely be myself and talk with. My therapist and I are also working on my being more open and real with newer people instead of "faking happy" all of the time. Of course not being a basket case with strangers, but also how am I supposed to make new friends if I don't invest anything? If I don't even try? Not to say I haven't tried, because honestly I have. But it's just time to try in a different way and with different people.
When I meet people I find interesting I am trying to be genuinely interested in them and in return, be more open and honest about my life besides just the boring work talk. And voila! Tonight I met a really really nice local girl who was kind of on a date with one of our friends but kept insisting it wasn't a date so I don't know how she really felt about it, hehe. We connected because she's 31 and single and all her friends are married or have kids and it begins to be difficult to connect with them. Plus our families were very similar, and her dad had cancer last year. I was even bold and asked to exchange numbers so we could hang out again and she was so excited! When I left she said, "Really, if you want to do anything call me and I'd love to!". So I may have made a new friend! I've also been trying to be a little less self reflecting and notice how lonely everyone else is too. Everyone wants real relationships with people, especially the expat community here. Any event thats happening, 50 people will want to come. Instead of waiting to be invited to things, I am going to start being proactive in creating my own events and doing my own thing. And will expect surface level friendships from most, but also work at creating deeper friendships with the few.
These are the things we're learning.
So it's time to try and be more proactive...arranging events, calling people to invite them, getting new friends numbers, etc. And stop working so damn much so I can actually have a life.
But...at the same time...someone still just wants to move to Brazil ;)
Well Miss Depression just up and left a few days ago. Usually I have to do a lot of exercising, healthy eating, and pretending to be happy before it will go away...but this time, slowly over a few days she just packed her bags and then I woke up one morning and she was gone.
However. As each week passes by and I count down to going home for a few weeks for Christmas I am starting to wonder, is this really it? All I do is work a bajillion hours a week for kids and families who don't give a shit, I don't get paid enough and can barely pay all the bills each month, and then when I do have free time I spend it alone because I don't have any fucking friends besides roomie who I always have to share with her forever around 23 year old boyfriend (I swear I think he's moved in by now). But now I'm wondering if going home is any better of an idea since I feel this way inside. If I go home to work another job a bajillion hours a week and am barely able to pay the bills each month, will it be any better? Or will I be happier because I will at least have friends and family to spend my free time with- which does give meaning to life? Or maybe I've just been working too much and neglecting myself and my spiritual life.
Plus I've gained like 8lbs.
This may explain the lack of writing lately. Sorry. I have written, but they end up so grumpy and depressing I decide to just file them away as "crazy time" entries.
Still talking to my marine and OH! Does HE make me so happy! However equally frustrated that I can not possibly foresee a way for us to be together right now or even in the near future. It's forcing me to just enjoy how things are right now (quite the new concept for me) and to try and let it be enough. But the sweet things he constantly says to me gets me all twitterpated, especially because I know hes not typically that kind of guy and isn't just trying to get into my pants. It's solely because he likes me so much. And neither of us can even think about moving on to something meaningless with someone else in our respective cities because we know it wouldn't compare to whatever it is we had together and how we currently feel about each other. And for the record, I don't even bring up half of this stuff- HE does. It's so stinkin cute. And then he gets all embarrassed and feels ridiculous because "you are breaking all of my logic" and "I so don't do this kind of thing for girls! What have you done to me!" I don't know if he's just playing me or not, but I am letting myself enjoy my skype bestie everyday anyway.
Work is getting better. I still don't want to go everyday (remnants of the depression I would imagine) but I finally told them I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, literally, so they happily lessened my schedule in a "please don't leave in December!!!!" and "yeah, your schedule does suck" kind of way. Plus splitting the class has made my days AMAZING. It's just me and 10 precious students rolling through the day. They love it because I am more relaxed and we get to joke and have more fun because it doesn't take me 20 minutes to get them back on track again, seriously they said this to me "Miss, we love our small class, it is so much more fun!" and I even got a "Miss, you are the coolest teacher in the school" and then went on to list reasons why. So I find myself arriving and leaving work not as exhausted or hating my life quite as much. I would say this is progress! Maybe I am getting a chance to catch my breath.
Looks like I'll get to come home for Christmas after all! The rents came through and offered to buy my ticket for my present and I'll pay them back half of it when I arrive (1200usd ain't no joke). It's not officially bought quite yet because I just got an extra day off approved today, so I'm trying not to get excited about it just yet, but I am feeling a glimmer of hope now and am feeling cheerier all the same!
You'll all be proud to know tonight and tomorrow I am forcing my lonely self out to meet new strangers through a work friend who met everyone through the couch surfer and language exchange online community. I'd never connected with them because I don't typically connect well with young travelers, have different tastes then the work friend, and used to have other friends- but apparently everybody in the groups permanent imports or local early 30's professionals so I thought I'd give it a try.
Well, shit. It would appear that I am depressed again.
Let's see...irritable and impatient with others, don't want to socialize, eating crap, drinking too much to not feel sad, have to force myself out of bed to do anything, negative about everything, not enjoying things, etc.
Miss Depression likes to rear her head on average every 2 months. Sometimes she's triggered, sometimes she's due to a mix of things, and sometimes I don't know where it comes from but suddenly it's like all of the not-so-great things about my life go from fuzzy to focused and I just don't want to deal with it anymore so I'd rather snuggle in bed.
I guess lots of things may have triggered this recent onset, so I shouldn't be surprised. So much stress with work, friends rejecting me, mums health being frustrating again, trying to figure out if we should move, money regarding said move, and just the overall loneliness that sets in when I am feeling stress and pressure from so many things and have no support system.
I am trying to fight it the way I always do...exercising more, fresh air and sunshine everyday, going out with friends and faking being happy the entire time until Im either drunk or have convinced myself for awhile, eating healthier, and taking mood stabilizing supplements. However. All of that is awfully a lot of work when you don't even want to get out of bed.
Plus, the amount of alcohol I drank this weeken: OMG. An entire bottle of wine myself on Friday, 5-6 gin and tonics on Saturday, and another bottle on Sunday. But honestly, it does help me feel better. And I'm not becoming an alcoholic just yet so letting myself indulge in a few hours of feeling happy seems fair for now.
I can't help but feel like a crazy girl, broken, and like no man would ever want a woman like this. Who randomly falls into these depressive states. Roomie keeps telling me its normal and reminding me of how many women are REALLY crazy and have amazing men in their lives- why am I any different?
These last few months I've been seriously enjoying the sweet succulent melodies of the following fine gentleman. Yes, I know, I am veering away from my typical favorite male voices Iron & Wine or Swell Season...but we can mix it up a bit.
Damien Juardo- Caught in the Trees
Especially this song.
James Vincent McMorrow- Early in the Morning
Heard his beautiful voice first here.
Bon Iver- Bon Iver This song and video made my summer.
City & Colour- Bring Me Your Love, Sometimes
Dallas Green who previously sang for the hardcore band Alexisonfire now does these gorgeous acoustic sessions reminding me of my high school Dashboard Confessional days. Sometimes I feel like his songs are a bit too stripped down for me, but his voice and guitar definitely make up for it. See for yourself and listen to this.
The Antlers- Burst Apart
Lovely mix of warm instruments and voice. Favorite song off the album here!
So I just went ahead and emailed the director of education in Brazil that Birthday Boy led me too . A very proper email asking for more information and attached my resume. Just figured I'd at least entertain the idea a little and get more information. Then I messaged Birthday Boy and asked if we could talk more about it, so we did.
The 2 hour conversation took place on roomies ipad while we were at someones house and they all played poker. I didn't want to play (def not my jam) and was perfectly happy playing with their puppy and drinking the ENTIRE bottle of wine I brought before the ipad came out, and all the happier when I got to socialize but also chat with the boy I have a serious crush on. And now for a summary:
Me: I don't want to just move there for you, but if I do come I don't want all of this to just be you "being nice" and then I come and there's nothing between us. But on the other hand if I come and we don't work out I can still be doing my own thing and there is a legit expat community I can be a part of. I am unhappy here with my job, friends, living situation, etc. And since I moved here barely knowing one person, it doesn't seem too crazy to move somewhere where I feel I do have a serious connection with the person. What do you think?
Birthday Boy: Of course I don't want you to move here because of me, I just think a new city and job opportunity would be nice for you. In fact, I'd rather you take me out of the equation entirely and come for other reasons...I just get to be a fun perk! haha. Honestly, I would so happy if you came, but don't come just for me. But on a serious note...I haven't felt the way I feel about you in a long time. Like...it's weird how much I think about you and "us". I know its not infatuation, which is a good thing, and I would like to see where this goes!
Me: I feel the same way, but feel stupid for feeling this way.
Birthday Boy: I do too, like I'm too old to be feeling this way. You seriously go against all of my logic!
So all of that made me happy.
Happier then I've been in awhile actually.
Birthday Boy and I are still always chatting online about our lives and even reliving our brief, but fantastic, escapade. We are quickly becoming rather close friends and silly sex talk has turned into serious life, relationships, family, and future talk. He has quite honestly become one of my dearest friends/ex-lovers/?
Yeah thats right. The younger then me Marine from the south who almost threw up on me the first night we attempted to hook up and then 2 months later spent the most amazing time together before he moved to BRASILIA (how do I find these unattainable guys?!).
He is such a LOVELY man I was constantly in shock by how sweet he was with me when we were physically together and then how he continues to pursue and fall for me even after leaving. He knows my struggles with work, friends, roomie, and other things here in Bratislava so he- on his own free will- asked the international school contacts he's found there (working at the US embassy has its perks) and got a bunch of information for me to contact them. He said the teachers are always talking about how much they love working there, the weather and culture are amazing, and to teach English at university level or privately you can make $100/hour (INSERT OMG HERE). Plus he's mentioned more then once, "everything is great, all I need is you!"
Of course everything is telling me no no no. What happens if I get there and him and I don't work out and I'm stuck there? Or if I leave the few friends I have finally made here? South America is not Europe safety wise and I'll still be far from home too.
On the other hand.
Why the hell NOT?
SO WHAT if I get there and we don't "work out"? I'll still be a professional awesome young woman living in the capital city of Brazil. I'll never be 'stuck' anywhere- we all make our own choices. And the few 'friends' I do have here I don't really feel like are my friends at all. We are at the exact same surface level we were when I got here. Besides roomie. But as discussed roomie is kind of crazy and is all wrapped up in her bf and work anyway. When I am having a hard time she doesn't even know how to hug me. As soon as I told her about birthday boy sending me this info and my surprise she was like, "WHY? GO! It'd be amazing!"
Plus, I am kind of over Europe to be honest. I feel like I've "seen it all" and am sick of the ignorant culture. Maybe it'd be different if I were in western Europe, but getting a job there is nearly impossible so why not take a chance and explore South America a bit? I am dying to see Machu Piccu, experience Mardi Grais, dance the tango and eat steak in Buenos Aires....are you allowed to swim in the Rio?
I think its hard for me to imagine doing something so...rash. I never saw my life like this. It was always...go to college, graduate and teach in San Diego, get married, have babies, live by family. And now its like there is this entire...WORLD...I can just do whatever I want to! If I go to Brazil for a few months and enjoy my time with the sweet guy and it doesn't work out? I can just go somewhere else! If I leave Europe to teach in South America and then want to go back? I CAN! If I get over living abroad and want to move back to San Diego- what a concept, get ready- I CAN.
Of course I am still constantly worried about my mum. And I'll still be a long and expensive plane ride away. But then again, I moved here barely knowing one person and look how far I've come? How about moving somewhere to be with a boy I have a serious connection with and already has an established American community? Whats the difference really?
So someone might seriously be considering moving to...Brasilia. Yeah, that just happened.
Am I failure if I DO decide to just go home and stay home at Christmas? Now that I've realized I don't really have any friends here, work pretty much sucks, and my living situation will forever include a +1 boyfriend- I am starting to reconsider my choice to stay. Plus the very real issue of missing my mum and another "scan" (cue scary music) on her body in December. Of which the results could be very life altering.
I think what I love is living in a real city and not with my parents (go figure). Walking outside my door and having cafes, stores, even museums at my disposal. I can WALK 5min and be home from the bar. My apartment is beautiful. Although travel is more feasible since I'm already here in Europe, money is such a constant problem it's not like I can really partake in much anyway. And I keep thinking of moving other places but then realize I'll be even more alone there than I am here so what's the point? I know all of this "living in Europe" business sounds absolutely glamourous, and maybe it is if you're in Paris, Madrid, or Italy...but alone in eastern Europe might not be my cup of tea. And moving as an American to those other places is near impossible.
However, what keeps running through my head is "don't give up!" and I feel like if I go home to live with my parents -unemployed again- I will feel even worse. And then again, not much fun to be in Europe with tons of museums and beautiful things to do...and no one to do them with.
When I sit and try and listen to my heart she says, "YES, go home. Do it. Don't even think twice about this one. Go."
So here we are.
Gosh I wish therapist wasn't out for a MONTH on a seminar tour, I'm dying here.
I'm not sure where to even begin with this one. I am so...startled...by the conversation I had with roomie this afternoon. Last night we got home from Prague...cammie is kiiiind of a crazy person so I was exhausted upon being home for various reasons, and am still fighting a sinus infection, plus I had gone out almost every night while on holiday. Roomie was on her way out with work friends, and talking about a company I don't even work for all night wasn't really high on my agenda but I sent cammie out with them and passed out in my own bed- peace and quiet at last.
Today roomie and I had such a nice day together- lunch, shopping, dinner with friends, and then a movie. At one point in the afternoon she said all of our "friends" were talking about me last night. How I've changed. And when I am with them I am now distant, quiet, and they don't really feel like they know me very well. At first I wasn't surprised, but now I've been sitting in it and now find myself tearing up. Roomie said she'd actually been thinking about me all week, how lonely I must be. Since with our small group of "friends" I don't have anything real to talk with anyone about and everything is just surface level all of the time. I don't know what to talk to anyone about and they don't know what to talk with me about. Therefore, I think I've just begun to check out. At first it was fun, just all going out all the time and messing around. But now that I've been here almost a year I'd like to have some things in common with people and actually talk about real things...not just how much we drank last weekend. I genuinely don't know what to talk to any of them about and have zero people who share any of my interests. So yes "friends", I am a bit distant and fucking lonely to boot. And I like going out just as much as the next person, but if all I'm doing is working my ass off and then getting drunk and dancing on the weekend...sorry, doesn't really fulfill me.
Roomie keeps saying, "hmmm where can we find you some artsy friends..." and while I laugh, its true.
I miss my real girl friends who can as easily slip from making fun of each other to a deep discussion about music, art, politics, ANYTHING but how's work and your sex life.
I truly don't know where to go from here. I feel so alone. And now I am like 90% sure even the small group of "friends" I made here don't even like me. This whole "living it up in Europe" thing is really panning out for me isn't it.
Something clicked recently. That I have been perpetually on a diet since the age of 15.
Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Vegan, Vegetarian, Low Carb, 17 Day Diet, P90X, you name it and I've done it.
And yes I lost about 35 pounds, but since then I've remained about the same and yet continue to feel guilty and try and control every single thing I put into my mouth. Still on this "diet" instead of being happy where I am and with the body I have. I've tried, and my body doesn't really want to lose anymore weight with the standard diet and exercise regimen. Which makes me think it's time to just- embrace it.
Besides, every time I go out I have hoards of men looking at me and wanting to be with me...so why do I keep calling myself "fat" and feel so guilty whenever I eat anything- while no one else seems to notice?
So for the first time since I can remember. We are NOT on a diet.
We are embracing this body. Taking care of it, but not feeling guilty about it.
I mentioned recently therapist helping me understand that I allow people to take a lot of emotional energy out of me. That they drain me and I let them because I don't even realize it's happening. I go along with whatever is happening and will rarely say anything if it bothers me because I don't even realize things are bothering me. I've learned to silence those opinions. I am an expert at fake smiling. And an expert at the "how are you doing?" fine. Without even comprehending I am lying. We are figuring out the reasons for it and how to fix this, but lately I have unfortunately realized roomie may be one of these draining people in my life.
She is constantly in "crisis!" mode with her job, boyfriend, daily life. And is very particular about a lot of things so then complains a lot when it's not how she wants it. Example: every time we go out to eat, she won't like something and complain about it. Maybe its the food, the service, her drink, slow service, anything really. Sometimes she'll even have these little fits at the restaurant. Never has a "good" day and comes home to bitch about everything that happened that day. Always fighting with her boyfriend. And because she is so impulsive and self centered, she'll buy things for the apartment or hire a cleaning/cook without thinking about the cost for me and then just expect me to pay half of it. I go along with a lot of what she wants and am probably her only friend because I'm the only one who can put up with her shit. So when I am finally actually in a real crisis mode with my mother being sick, she had the nerve last night to tell me she feels like she has no one to talk to because I'm needy right now, her boyfriend is always needy, and our other friend is going through some stuff and needs to talk too. REALLY? I used to have to drag your drunk ass home from somewhere multiple times a week. If you want to do something and I say no for valid reasons, you get all upset. Every night you come home and bitch about your day and I just sit and listen. I have to sit embarrassed at the bar every time we go out when you and boyfriend are fighting in front of everyone. EVERY night, I get to choose to either hang out alone in my room or with you and your boyfriend all over each other on the couch watching a movie in the living room I pay for every month. I do you and your boyfriends dishes every day because you're too lazy. I could go on.
Of course, it's not all bad. Whenever I need to talk she is always there. She checks up on me and makes sure I am ok. She yelled at our friends the other night for not including me when they go out and told them to be nice to me because I am going through a lot and to stop acting like douches. She loans me money if I am desperate and supports me in my life decisions. Plus, if something were to ever happen, I know I can always call her and she'll drop everything and come. That's a good friend. But maybe just not a good room mate.
So we're looking for separate flats. They want to raise the rent here now anyway, our contract is up, and she can't think of another solution for the boyfriend being over all the time thing bothering me. Because of course the obvious solution of encouraging him to get a life and leading normal lives where you see each other a few times a week or on weekends, isn't an option.
Of course we'll stay downtown and I think we might try and find something in the same building or area too. I have some desire to live alone...but I already get so lonely here and with my random bouts of depression I'm not sure its a good idea. But I also don't want to live with a Slovak (based on language and cultural differences of course). So we need to figure something out. But I'm stressed out now and the idea of just going home is more and more appealing.
I have never been so thankful for my girl friends then I am today. I love you, even all over the world, because you are NOT psychotic. You are loving. And you don't overreact about random shit. We rarely argue, and whenever we do "fight" we get over it rather quickly and know its not really that big of a deal. I can count on one hand the "arguments" I've had with all of my real girl friends. When I tell this to roomie, who never had girl friends because they're "too much drama", she is so so surprised. And so surprised to realize how normal I am. That I have emotions and issues- but I'm not a crazy person.
Basically. Thursday night was a horrible evening. I am dealing with my mother still kind of being sick and seeing her cry on skype and realizing this is going to fucking suck for a long long time- ruined me. I am starting to seriously want to go home now...because the reality that she may not have a lot of time is just sitting inside my heart and its just too hard to be away from her and be upset here with no support system. Plus, other reasons. But I just died after talking to her. Then, roomie and I were finally going to spend time together without boyfriend and I figured it'd be good to talk. Cue breaking down while walking down the street with her hugging me. At dinner I tried to talk to her about boyfriend being over all the time and she basically said I should move out if I don't like it. (we've resolved this a bit more since, but at the time I was so so hurt and angry on top of already being upset). Later, we went to get drinks with some friends and two of the girls sweet D hooked up with were sitting with us. We'll call one XY. XY was full on making out with her new love interest and our really good friend, Joe. While the other hook up was flirting it up with our other friend. It was SO awkward.
So I went home and was chatting with birthday boy about everything else and then on top of it how awkward it was to have XY and Joe MAKING OUT right next to Sweet D. Birthday Boy and Joe are best friends and he felt like he needed to tell Joe about XY hooking up with Sweet D, which I understand. So he did. And so Friday night I am home still trying to emotionally recover when Sweet D invites me out with everyone. I PRY (literally, it was so hard) myself out of bed and go to try and not be sad. Rather quickly XY seeks me out and takes me outside. OMG you would have thought I had punched her in the face, her anger and anxiety level was like a TEN just because I was talking to someone about her. Apparently SHE doesn't talk about anyone with anyone else and doesn't feel its right I do it. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to talk about her, I just assumed everyone knew about them hooking up, I was talking about MY feelings in the situation. And it's good she tells me she's upset so I can not talk about her, because I don't have a problem with people talking about me so it's hard for me to understand her position. Plus, I am going through a lot right now and this was hard for me to handle right that second. She was NOT having it. She couldn't understand my position, my feelings, and said all angry "don't tell me you can't handle this right now!" and the best part was when I tried to apologize for upsetting her she interrupted me with, "I don't want your apology, I want action, you need to change your behavior". Wow. Hello Crazy.
I was SO upset. I don't have problems with my friends. And I've been really frustrated with how few I have here, so for someone I considered to be at least kind of a friend blow up at me at a time when I am already so so sensitive was horrible. Later I realized she wasn't as upset with me as she was about Joe finding out about Sweet D because now it makes her look like a slut. And she had to blame someone. But instead turned into an anti "gossiping" campaign.
After that I knew I had two choices. Go home and be alone crying in my bed, or get really drunk and try and be honest about how I am doing when my friends ask. So I did the later.
I haven't been that drunk since I've been here. And I finally felt happy after drink #4.
Recovering today was HORRIBLE.
Not sure how to proceed with Crazy now. I miss you real girl friends. Very very much.
Someone is still talking to birthday boy almost every night on FB chat...sometimes for 2+ hours...and I have to say it's awfully nice. We basically just fawn all over each other telling each other how great the other one is and remembering our amazing time together. He also mentioned something interesting randomly mid conversation. He said he's realized how much he lets his guard down with me and is slightly more emotional than usual. That somehow I bring this out in him. I was flattered of course but then laughed to myself, because...Is ANYONE really surprised? What is this, number 125 in men who tell me their life stories and confide all these things in me after only spending a short while together? Roomie says its because I'm so maternal and I don't even realize it. I say- that sounds weird. Who wants to attract boys because I am maternal? Is that why they always end up emotionally dumping on me and then disappearing? Because really, who wants a mother for a girl friend.
Interestingly enough this is something therapist and I have been discussing. Apparently it also has to do with me being too much of an emotional giver. I just let men dump on me and it drains me. I give and give and take in and take in and end up depleted. But then I still don't understand the -then they leave- part. I hearrrrr it's because they realize I'm the marrying kind and get freaked out and peace because they are still just wanting to have fun. But who really knows.
For now, its nice to have a boy still enjoying talking to me and interested in my life for no other reason then because he thinks I am lovely.
So we all know I am not the richest teacher on the fresh graduate block, but I am finally in a place financially where I can choose to spend some of my money on...wait for it...myself. Yes, I still have credit cards...food...rent...phone...trips home every year...etc. But every month I am still budgeting...even sometimes working extra hours- because I am choosing three things to do for myself. Just because I am awesome and work hard not just to pay bills and eat.
My three you probably already know: my nails, monthly lady waxing, and I am now seeing a therapist every week too. I feel so spoiled with my chosen three! And thats the point. Of course there is much much more I could spend on...hair coloring, eye brows, toe nails, shopping, gym membership, etc. BUT I just chose my three and enjoy every second of them. I dye my own hair, do my own eyebrows and nails, don't get to shop as often as I'd like, and work out at home (hahaha like I actually do that).
So I encourage you my loved. Choose at least three things to do for yourself that make you feel good and beautiful every month. Even if its just sitting at a cafe reading all morning and eating cake once a month- do it. We are human beings- not machines.