The Surprise!

I know I have been majorly playing the disappearing act lately, BUT in my defense I was protecting my big secret which was finally revealed today! This little world traveler has decided to take a break and return home "permanently" to socal this holiday! I only told the people I was saying goodbye to in Bratislava, work of course, and my brother. All so I could do THIS today!

*please note my mums new birthday gloves I got her that she refused to take off and my parents kooky Christmas hats they wore all day. Try not to be TOO jealous of my family.

Then mom cried her little eyes out!

Yeah I know, they were pretty excited about their BIG surprise. And I'm so glad I don't have to constantly lie anymore! 

And now for the WHY.

Let's be honest, work has been extremely draining and then I'm still struggling with money every month. My mum was IN the hospital for like 2 weeks and we had that big cancer scare where I pretty much already wanted to go home then.  And theres roomie with her constant boyfriend drama I was involved in WAY too close for comfort. Plus, all my friends there had decided to stop being my friend so I was already starting all over trying to make a life for myself. SO when work asked me if I'd like to stay home at the holiday because of everything with my mum, I thought about it for a week and although it was tough decided on YES PLEASE. They found a lovely replacement for me who will start when the kids come back, I got to say good bye to the kids and friends outside of work in secret, and then had to try and do all of my Christmas shopping, figure out the substituting job back here, pack up my entire life, finish grading trimester tests and put together all the kids progress reports within like ONE week. I feel like I haven't slept in days and days. 

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I really had to wrap my head around not living in a city for awhile...living back with my parents...not being able to have my own classroom anymore...leaving roomie (who although is drama, is also like my sister), etc. But in the end the weight I felt leave me the moment my director asked if I'd like to stay home and still be on good terms with the school was unmistakable. I was already thinking of quitting the school in December and moving somewhere else anyway, as you all know, but in the end realized I'd be there all alone again and have to start over anyway. It just wasn't appealing anymore. I missed my friends and family who I feel so comfortable, loved, and relaxed with. I missed English, my own socal culture, the sunshine, the food, just everything! And as the plane came in over LA and I teared up happily seeing my beautiful coastline and socal sunshine- I knew I made the right decision. 

But oh we have so much to catch up on now! 

However, it will have to wait until after Christmas dinner...wine tasting with the family tomorrow...and all the fun I've been missing out on here. This is seriously, the best Christmas my family has had in so long! 

Until then,

xoxo

Failure?

Am I failure if I DO decide to just go home and stay home at Christmas? Now that I've realized I don't really have any friends here, work pretty much sucks, and my living situation will forever include a +1 boyfriend- I am starting to reconsider my choice to stay. Plus the very real issue of missing my mum and another "scan" (cue scary music) on her body in December. Of which the results could be very life altering.

I think what I love is living in a real city and not with my parents (go figure). Walking outside my door and having cafes, stores, even museums at my disposal. I can WALK 5min and be home from the bar. My apartment is beautiful. Although travel is more feasible since I'm already here in Europe, money is such a constant problem it's not like I can really partake in much anyway. And I keep thinking of moving other places but then realize I'll be even more alone there than I am here so what's the point? I know all of this "living in Europe" business sounds absolutely glamourous, and maybe it is if you're in Paris, Madrid, or Italy...but alone in eastern Europe might not be my cup of tea. And moving as an American to those other places is near impossible.

However, what keeps running through my head is "don't give up!" and I feel like if I go home to live with my parents -unemployed again- I will feel even worse. And then again, not much fun to be in Europe with tons of museums and beautiful things to do...and no one to do them with.

When I sit and try and listen to my heart she says, "YES, go home. Do it. Don't even think twice about this one. Go."

So here we are.

Gosh I wish therapist wasn't out for a MONTH on a seminar tour, I'm dying here.

Birthday. Rendezvous.

Birthday. 

 

Looks pretty great huh. Birthday plans started out pretty amazing...we booked a table at sky bar for 15 people and I had around 20 "friends" RSVP, plus we were going to a nice club afterwards. Roomie and I spent the day getting ready...we bought the crown, dress, and new shoes. Did my hair...roomie did my makeup...baked the funfetti cake I brought back all the way from America...painted my toes...etc.

However. The night ended up being all of my "friends" kind of ignoring me, and basically just using it as an excuse to party. Everyone (except roomie) almost just left me at sky bar to go to some other club where another girl was having a small party. I didn't want to go because it wasn't very nice and it was far away, but no one asked me where I wanted to go or seemed to care. Roomie had to TELL me, "so everyone is leaving to go to the other club so we need to go". I had to do my cake and presents with just a few people because no one else was even paying attention. Everywhere we went everyone would literally be standing around a table talking or whatever and I would be standing or sitting alone. I had to start hitting people and trying to joke, "can I please be invited to my own birthday party?! Damn!" I thought I was maybe being oversensitive and wanting too much attention...but the next day roomie confirmed my feelings. We both realized who are real friends were. But even roomie left early with her boyfriend because he had a baseball game the next morning and is always a priority these days. Plus, the old birthday boy I've been seeing- at the last minute couldn't come because of work and I was disappointed. And I cried because I missed all of you forever friends and my family on my first birthday so far away from home. People who actually know what to talk to me about and care about me.

Luckily, the night ended up with me dancing at an actual legit club with the remaining few until 5a and them all walking me home. A definite high note to end on.


A real picture of the evening?

Almost everyone at the other table ignoring me while I open presents. Receiving condoms from my friend who remembered me whining about not being able to get any in Slovakia after 9p. Little did he know how handy they would come in...

Rendezvous.

After my semi shitty birthday party, my hungover self and birthday boy had plans for the day once he was finished working. The plans became "Wanna come over and lay in bed with me all day while I get over this hangover?". Obviously he rushed over. After our failed sexcapade in July before I left for SD, Sunday became what we like to call "Naked Cartoon Day" which included having the best sex of my life four times, watching Despicable Me all snuggled up laughing SO hard, and talking and laughing ALL day and night. It may have ended up being one of my better birthdays.

First of all, we had SO MUCH fun together! And definitely had a sweet connection because we would just talk and talk about our lives and selves. He told me hilarious stories and was so loving with me. He would kiss me and kiss me, hold me really close, touch my face and hair...and compliment me up to wazoo. I am in the process of trying to document everything he said about me because I never believe these things about myself. Most things I want to keep, but a snippet to share...
"wow, you have an amazing body"
I'll take that.

We proceeded to have "Naked Monday" evening and "Naked Tuesday" evening to the point that both of us were SORE from so much sex, ahahahaha.

Sadly, last night we had to say good bye. He left for Brazil this morning for his next post. We were both sad...another one of those great people you meet and have a connection with and then have to say good bye. Both of us have done this many times, both of us knew what was happening this time, and both of us confirmed that it sucked. But he wants to end up on the base in socal after his year in Brazil...so we'll see what happens...

So yeah...quite the weekend and week. Plus I started my tutoring clients this week, mom had another surgery yesterday, and I just got home from a very emotional counseling session. All in all, I would say my plans of going to bed at 9:00p are SOLID.

Tomorrow for the actual birthday, roomie and I are going to my favorite Italian restaurant for dinner- so excited!

xoxo

HL

Threes Company.

Well, if I felt like the third wheel before, this is certainly a new level of wheel. Being back in Bratislava has been amazing. I am so happy here having my own space, being back in the city, spending time catching up with the roomie, and just loving life. But while I was gone something happened and the roomie and her bf went from being kind of in a relationship/fighting all the time, to being all in love and can't get enough of each other and now I pretty much live with BOTH of them. Actually, I really do. He goes home once a day to get some clothes or eat...but then is here the rest of the time. It might be different when roomie and I are both back at work too, but being with them 24/7 has upgraded my third wheel lonelyish feeling to something pretty serious. He's replaced me as her best friend, and before it was her and I are the besties, and then him...but something happened while I was gone so now I practically feel like a visitor in my own flat. And it's not necessarily because I want a boyfriend like that so badly, in fact, Africa has been barking up my tree lately and I'm only kind of interested. Even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't want him over every single night. And it kind of bothers me in terms of personal space and money. Like, roomie and I split groceries. But now we're planning dinners for 3 people...one a boy who eats a lot...and I am expected to pay for part of that. 

And now they don't really like going out much anymore and just stay in and watch movies together snuggled on the couch. Real fun for me.

So I am kind of sad I have lost the special time roomie and I had together of being fun and single living in Europe together. She's making life plans with the boy now and I don't know how the three of us could possibly go live and work somewhere all together. 

If I didn't put enough pressure on myself to have a boyfriend before, it's certainly reeling itself now. And just when I was starting to embrace my fun single hood too...

Arg.

xoxo

HL

Home Again, Home Again.

Arrived here yesterday evening after traveling for 14+ hours, ripping off half my toe nail (seriously, bled all over baggage claim), and attempting to sleep sitting up since my chair wouldn't go back. One of my friends here picked me up which was SO nice since I had 2 giant heavy bags plus a carry on and there was no way I could navigate the buses and walk back to my flat without help. I have to say, being back feels good. I think it's definitely the fact that I have my own place and space, and that everything I need is just a walk outside my air conditioned flat. For instance...last night I was SO tired but we had no food, so I just walked outside my flat, got cash from the ATM, and walked across the street to get fresh delicious mushroom pizza from one of the 5 pizza windows on my street for 1.70 euro. Then today I got a ton of fresh tomatoes, peaches, and a cucumber from the farm stand downstairs for 1.30 euro. I thought she was joking when she told me the price.

As soon as I arrived I was already undecided again about coming back in December instead of staying for the year. I've gotten used to the annoying things about living abroad so it really just feels like home now. But work issues are actually pretty serious, so I'll probably be ready to high tail it out of here by then for work reasons alone. So many emotions. So little time.

Roomie gets back in a few hours. I can't wait to see her!

Uploading pictures from the summer to share soon,

xoxo

HL

Bon Voyage.

Well its 5:30a on the day I leave. I don't have to go until this afternoon but we all know I don't sleep much the night before I am off and away. Trying to enjoy my last moments in my pillow/memory foam topped bed with a sweet Bella all snuggled up on my side. It's so emotionally draining to be so sad to leave a place but so excited to go back "home" at the same time. One minute you are up excited to see your roomie, friends, go out dancing, have your own flat again, be back in your little Euro city, and the next moment you are down because you are going to miss so many things about being home. I walked slowly through all the stores today taking in all the English words...spoken English...American products and brands where I can read the labels and ask for anything I need...the huge openness of everything...endless options...but mostly, feeling like you belong and everything being familiar. 

I will miss all of that. 

Saying good bye to friends and family again over the last week has also been difficult. I knew I was missing something in my relationships in Bratislava, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Having a history with people and having them know and love so much about you is something I never considered that important. I figured that all but 4 of my friends in socal had moved away so there wasn't really a point in me sticking around either. Now I see how AMAZING it is to have 4 fantastic friends in your city who you have known for years and can be completely yourself with. And how precious it is when your other friends DO come into town and you are able to catch up. It might require extensive driving around the city sometimes...but its worth it. To feel so at home. It's hard for me to want to go deeper with my friends in BA knowing we are all so temporary. We love each other, but besides roomie and I, we don't talk about anything serious going on in our lives or from our past. We just are what we are for the time being. Which is great and lovely, but not better then my loves from home. 

However, I am not happy living at home in the suburbs with my parents. After a few weeks here I got really irritable with the same things I did when I lived here before, so I know when I move back I can't be here more then a month without going out of my mind. So it's time to start saving saving saving. While here I saw a glimpse of what my life would be like if I moved down south in the city. I realized I have an entire group of friends there that I LOVE, there are tons of things to do, its relatively cheap, and far enough away from home so I won't go crazy but close enough I can still come up for family dinner on Sundays. I have been wanting to move down there FOREVER but the timing has never been right, I am hoping in 6 months it will be. 

Things with work are crazy again which is another reason I am considering not returning after Christmas. Everything was getting better in the last few months before I left, but I am about 98% sure I am heading into a shit storm when I get there. SERIOUS people in admin have quit, gotten fired, or are being seriously reviewed and they haven't even officially told any of us. I found out from roomie who is still friends with people from when she worked there. I guarantee they aren't telling us on purpose because they know we wouldn't come back if we knew. They'd rather greet us on the first day back with "so...you might notice some people missing...". PLUS we were paid 5 days extra late this month. We were theoretically supposed to regularly be paid 20 days earlier but legally speaking it was only 5 days late. Its complicated. Either way, theres no excuse for it and its ILLEGAL to pay us late but because we are foreigners and don't know how to report anything we are kind of stuck into getting fucked every month. It's just not a healthy environment with everything being so insecure and up in the air all the time- it leaves me stressed out and anxious which I don't need on top of being a first year teacher in a foreign country. So we'll see how the year goes. 

I am SO excited to go dancing this weekend at our old haunts! I've only been once since I got to socal and am just not used to not going out every weekend. I just love it so much! 

So I guess this is my good bye socal. It feels like I just got here, I can't believe how fast it all went! I will miss so many things about you.

Back to Europe I Go...

xoxo

HL

Overwhelmed.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've had an abundance of time...but have been so depressed and overwhelmed with everything going on I couldn't bear to write. So dramatic, I know. But by now you know this is how I roll. Either its the pill/hormones that makes me crazy town or its just me. But every once in awhile...usually on average every 2 months I just have these horribly low days where everything in life is just too much and I don't want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, nothing. Just sleep and cry and be depressed. It's pretty horrible, but I don't want to be on meds for something I have learned to deal with. I just give myself time limits on being in bed, make myself shower and eat, try and socialize even if its just me watching TV with a friend, and make sure to get sunshine and fresh air. Eventually the cloud goes away and I am ok again. Sometimes its triggered by stress, which is what happened this time.

Let's rewind to last Friday which I spent smiling ear to ear wrapped in PAG's arms until the morning when neither of us wanted to get out of bed. Everything is perfect and I get a "I'll call you later" when I left. Cue 5 days of not hearing from him. We chatted a tiny bit on gchat on Sunday, but only for 5 minutes and then he logged off. I made myself promise to try not to contact him, because I have been so confused about how he feels about me with this on and off stuff. By Thursday with no word I was tired of being so depressed and anxious all the time, so I emailed him. The email basically contained the important basics...either you don't like me, aren't making me a priority, or something else and you're being a jerk by ignoring me and not talking to me about it. You know I don't deserve this. I still think you're an amazing person and I wish we could be friends even while I am gone... thats about the gist.

THEN that afternoon Africa calls me and we talk for an hour or so about some serious things going on in his life...like he might be deported because no jobs will give him a work permit so he might have to marry his ex gf...but he doesn't want to lose me? And how he misses me? Um...ok, I haven't heard from you in a MONTH. I am hanging up with him and am literally saying good bye when PAG calls.

Snippets...
I'm so so sorry. It's just too hard. Every time I'm with you I want to invest more in you and then am reminded you're leaving again. And I don't want to hold you back while you are there, I want you to go out and have fun, but then I am unhappy not being able to be with you or a rescue phone call away and I worry about you. You're beautiful. You're smart. I love being with you. We would be together if you lived here. This is just how it is right now. Can I see you one more time before you go? Again, I am so sorry for hurting you. I don't mean to do it, I just shut down because you're leaving. You don't deserve it. 


We don't know if we'll be able to talk much while I am gone...he says he doesn't ever want to hear about me seeing other guys and its bound to come up and its too hard, but we can maybe try. Afterwards Cassie calmed me down with Realistically, he's not going to find the love of his life in the next few months, its going to be ok. PAG had said something similar too. On the one hand I feel 10x better having understanding and semi closure with him. But on the other hand am struggling with this dual life I feel like I am leading. Crazy party time in Europe vs. wanting to be more secure and settle in socal. This week I fill out the paperwork because I was accepted into a local sub system here...which is the reason why I left in the first place to teach abroad- nowhere was hiring here. But now they are! And now I have all these friends and living opportunities downtown where I would be much happier living. Plus with so much family stuff going on and my impending departure, I have been feeling drained to say the least. It's all just a lot to process.

I finally feel like we can officially say I am definitely and completely in love with PAG. It's just baby love, new, silly, and sweet. But the more that I let myself say it out loud and acknowledge that its more then just infatuation, the more I realize how true it is. And the sadder it makes me to be away from him.

xoxo

HL

No Ones Surprised.

Ok, it's not like PAG is ignoring me per say...he responds to my little texts and emails nicely and timely.

It's just that I haven't received anything from him first, and NOTHING from him regarding weekend plans. I knew Monday night was tough for him because of work, so I assumed the lack of plans with me for the rest of the week was because of this. But now that it's Friday, and still NOTHING, I am starting to be sad again.

I don't know why I expected more from him, it's almost mean of me to try and expect something from him when I am leaving again. But the way he acted on Monday convinced me he was seriously interested again. I didn't initiate anything except "catching up over dinner", everything else was in his court, and everything else included sweet sensual time together.

So I am a bit sad. Preoccupied. And anxious.

Plus, it seriously makes me reconsider staying in Slovakia for more then the next few months. Why would I stay somewhere where I can't really put roots down? My heart is ready to be serious with someone (even if its not PAG), start working up on a long term career somewhere, save money and settle a little more...instead I am running back to a place where I have one actual bestie who is also just floating from thing to thing like an unsatisfied 19 year old trying to "find themselves", a partying lifestyle which is rather fun but not at all useful, and a job that is insecure and stressful. All while trying to navigate men who are there even more temporarily then I am. I guess turning 26 in the fall and having nothing to show for it also has me thinking. Arg.

Decisions, Decisions.

Think I could handle a little more of this?

Big news. My little school here in Slovakia offered to move me up to teaching 5th grade next year instead of Pre-K! My director said some really flattering things about me- like how great of a teacher I am and how I am kind of being "wasted" in Pre-K since it isn't even really technically a grade level. Pre-K is lovely, but it IS a lot of babysitting in the afternoons and a lot of exhausting "work" which really just involves giving 14 children A LOT of attention all day, and very little teaching. My co-workers think its a really good move for me so I don't get "stuck" in kinder and don't ever get to move up to real grade levels. Teaching a another grade level would look really good on my CV and I have taught 5th grade before and LOVED it.

Unfortunately, it means they want me to commit for an entire other year. Yeah, until NEXT June. Which makes sense for the kids. And for my CV. And everything else.

But still...

Immediately I thought of PAG and how this means we really won't get to reconnect...even though I've never heard from him again...but still (oh, I am crazy town). And if not PAG, someone else from home I could actually have a real relationship and a future with. I thought about how I am turning 26 in October. I am getting old. And alone. And the vision of me being one of those "I'm 30 and single and fabulous! But really I am lonely and sleep with people I don't love and it sucks" women. So needless to say, I freaked out.

But then everyone keeps reminding me 25/26 is young. I meet lovely people here all the time and whose to say I can't have something with someone international? I have always been pretty "Euro" anyway. Plus, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time, why would I go home and live with my parents and work at Starbucks in our crappy economy? More time to pay off my debt, save some money, and travel.

Plus, roomie reminded me that under Slovak law I can give a 2-3 months notice and still leave mid year if I want to with no repercussions. Although it would seriously effect my CV and letter of recommendation, but at least I have the option.

Another issue is the lack of language arts and history curriculum. And by "lack"" I mean there isn't any.  I don't even think they ordered any for next year. I have 6 months of Pre-K curriculum done and was planning on finishing the first 3 months over the summer so next year was going to be a breeze. I am looking to order some different ones for 5th grade, but it's expensive and a lot of work.

So we'll see what happens. They want to know my decision about the entire year by Monday. So I think I will say yes and give my notice if I need too.

Meanwhile, Africa has been weird all week. Playing the disappearing act then randomly showing up Friday before his work like nothing had happened...then disappearing again all weekend. I was kind of upset that it appeared things were ending, and now I am just annoyed.

Good weekend drinking a lot at Primi on Friday night with friends...except everyone else got WASTED and I had to take roomie home early, we had a new friend sleep on our couch, and no one knows how our other friend even got home. So you know, the usual.

xoxo

HL

Alone.

Roomie is having a serious blossoming relationship with one of our friends here, and its so precious and sweet to watch and encourage but alas, I find it is really leaving me with a sense of "Yeah, you are alone". Before, I would see couples together and just miss PAG- I was really sad when I first moved here, but had gotten used to it and just got used to always missing him but knowing we would be together soon. But now...I am really alone. And these little hook ups and guys who are interested in me are really just band aids for a heart that really just wants something more serious.

I never want to admit that I want something serious, I always try to act casual and like I don't care...which is true for guys your just chatting with at the bar. But when I am really honost with myself, I like having someone to come home to, talk with when we go out, dance with, and kiss you and tell you your beautiful on a regular basis. I like having a partner in crime. And I don't think I've ever really gotten to have it...besides PAG for the few weeks before I left. We all know Number 2 was never around for more then just to talk to 5x a day.

Africa messaged me Friday morning and acted like we'd see each other this weekend, but I haven't heard from him and its now 2am Sunday. I might still hear from him within the next few days, he lost his phone the night we met, had final exams this week, and works until 2am on the weekends...but no one would be surprised if he just disappeared. But it's still a bummer since he helped me to not be so sad.

I think also because I felt like my roomie and I were just having a blast being together and taking on the city...but now she has a boyfriend of sorts and I am the third wheel. We've been having such a fun girly time, but now she has him snuggling with her in bed every night and I am alone.

I've been missing home a bit more lately too...but at the same time my brain keeps randomly saying to myself "OH MAN! I love my life here!" so I guess thats a good sign at least.

Alright, time to sleep it off...

xoxo

HL

Yep, Officially Have A Lover.

source.

Well, Africa is REALLY living up to his potential. I am constantly surprised by him. It started with his sweet facebook messages, compliments galore and sending me songs...so romantic and sweet. Then today he came over when he said he would and brought me all these treats! Dessert, chocolate, a box of amazing strawberries he had to get from a special store, cold medicine, tea, and honey because he knows I've been feeling sick. AND massage oil. First he gave me an amazing sensual head and neck massage and then a full body massage with this special oil he brought.

We had a nice time chatting and talking about our lives. He showed me these cute videos from when he was on Slovak TV here showing African cooking and salsa dancing. Apparently he's really good at both and just continues to be so sweet with me. He wants to meet up with us again over the weekend, so maybe he will come dancing with us after work. He works at a fancy place downtown just for extra cash, which will come in handy when we need reservations...

To be honost, I don't feel like I am falling for him like I did with PAG and Number 2. But for now it's nice to have a sweet man pay me attention and treat me like a princess...plus, the sex is fantastic. Not to mention all his crazy Africa stories, I can't stop asking him questions.

I just hope he doesn't get too attached.

Our lame Easter holiday spent here in B-Town is over, back to work tomorrow- bleh. But I miss my kids and its a short week so hopefully I won't be too burnt out by the weekend. Can't believe I only have May and June left of work! I have a feeling they will go by slowly though...

xoxo

HL

Another Lover?

It would appear I may take on another lover...

Africa made sure I added him on FB before he left for his Easter festivities and then messaged me today because he wanted to see me again. I am feeling sick and out of it, so I said tomorrow and we've been writing back and forth and its so cute! (he lost his phone the night we met...this happens a lot here actually, people steal shit or it falls out of our guy friends coat pockets at the clubs). So tomorrow afternoon we will meet again, he is going to bring me ginger and honey to chew on for my sore throat (some weird Africa thing that cracks me up), and we'll just chill I guess. I am excited to spend time with someone new, I forget how fun it is getting to know new boys. I missed it. And he seems really social and fun, like he would be fun to go out with us on the weekends for a bit. But we'll see what happens, I know nothing serious can come out of it and I think I kind of like that. Just something light and fun for awhile will be good for me.

Hmm...I should go buy more condoms-they only sell them in packs of 3 here. Its weird.

Tomorrow is also my last day of holiday, Wednesday I go back to work with no breaks until the end of the school year. Bleh. But to end the holiday I am getting a surprise done! You will have to see tomorrow!

Ok, off to live my ridiculous life...

xoxo

HL

What Can I Say?

Roomie captured the magic.

So something happened and I brought a boy home last night.

Yeah I know, two one night stands in two weekends= WHO AM I?!

But there was a beautiful African man seducing me at the club (different from the one Thursday night that I kissed, obviously) and we danced and danced and he was kissing my neck and arms all seductively and "purring" in my ear- which is apparently some precious African thing. They say the lions lick you up and down and then purr in your ear...trust me, its awesome.

I was tired and it was 4am so I invited him back to my place...at first I was just planning on taking it slow and maybe just making out and stuff. But then...oh man, lets just say he is very good at what he does. And PS this is why I now choose black guys every time, they take a lot of time to please a woman and take it really seriously. Plus, they tend to be romantic...I mean, he took my bra off with his teeth. And then would massage my neck and head throughout the entire evening. Major points.

Actually, I don't think this is going to be a one night stand as much as the other one was. Africa lives in Bratislava and is going to school here for engineering. He's lived in the states a lot before and his English is really good...he also speaks French, Arabic, Slovak, his tribal language, and is taking Spanish right now as well. It was nice to speak Spanish with someone actually. So, he's intellectual and is going to school to focus on solar technology to bring back to Africa. We chatted about history and Africa and all kinds of things last night and today. He wanted to make sure I added him on facebook and was already talking about coming back here to give me an "African Massage" and to make me dinner...because yeah, he cooks too. My roomie had one of our friends over last night too...they're having a little mini romance...so this morning we were all hanging out in our knickers and it was just really lovely. I made Africa and I toast with nutella and tea and we had breakfast in bed before he had to go because he had Easter plans with a family here. I don't really see this going anywhere long term, but we had a nice time and he is REALLY sweet...and an excellent lover.

Side note: I think I kind of realized it at the time, but it's even more evident now that I've been with other people- the connection I had with PAG and even with Number 2 as being so rare. Sexual energy and having nice conversation with a man is one thing, but the click is entirely another. Although anything intimate is just FUN with almost anyone, with those two it was really like making something beautiful together. And the communication, connection, and emotion together just manifested into this lovely sexual intimacy. I know I am currently acting out because I have been sexually deprived for a very very long time, I am hurt, and because I am craving intimacy with a man. I also know it will pass with time and I will go back to being my normal "waiting for the right guy" kind of girl. I definitely don't want to be one of those girls who always sleeps around and rips her heart a part. Plus, sex hurts and I'm always all sore for days afterwards.

So we'll see what happens with Africa, maybe he'll call and make us dinner and give me a massage-or maybe he won't and I'll just go on with my fabulous life. Either way, I am pretty much happy. I'd rather have PAG in my life at this point and am still missing him, but we're moving on and I am trying to believe there is someone better out there for me. Meanwhile, having some proper sex is really nice.

xoxo

HL

My New Family

Remember a few months ago when I was so sad and angry and over Slovakia? I was crying almost every night and was about ready to just come home. Fast forward to within the last month and I have the most amazing friends here, I really must say. My roomie and our other girl friend make quite the trio while our boys make sure nobody gives us trouble and make our sides ache with laughter.

Meet My New Family. Because everyone needs someone.

Back in Black.

Danced on the tables until they closed at 5:30a.

Managed to make out with a pretty black man before leaving. Too bad he couldn't find his coat and roomie saw him kissing another girl right before we left, so he was purposefully left behind.

Got a kebab on the walk home while the sun was coming up.

I find myself looking for the black guys wherever we are. There aren't very many, and they aren't always especially good looking...but for the most part we tend to find each other. Brown girl with an ass and the only one for MILES who actually knows how to shake it...tends to draw them like flies to honey.
And I am happy to oblige.

Although I am still finding myself sad missing PAG, this girl is back my friends. Back in black.

xoxo

HL

Further Thoughts On The One Night Stand...

source.

I decided that next time (if there is a next time, we'll see how my life progresses) I will bring them to my flat where my room mate is across the apartment so as not to hear everything, but close enough so if I shout that I am being raped she can come rescue me.

I decided that I need to buy myself condoms, for the first time (They always just had them!). Keep a box in my night stand and 1-2 in my wallet just in case. London and I could have gone quite a few more times if we had more condoms, and there aren't any 24 hour stores here so this is a must.

It might be wise of me to not rush into sex straight away and prolong the evening a bit...maybe even have an entire weekend or a few week fling to build up to sex and get to know said stranger a bit better. Turned out London used to deal drugs, shot a guy, spent a year in jail, and had slept with a lot of women...things that may have been helpful to know before we had sex. If it makes you feel any better, he told me his whole life story all night like I was his best friend and referred to it as his "old life" so I wasn't worried...however looking back, probably would have been wise to chill a bit. Or hang out more the next day and weekend. Or just not go home with total strangers and build up some rapport with someone before I have sex with them...even if its not going anywhere. Or maybe it's better this way since I don't care if I don't see him again...I don't know the answers to these questions!

Feel free to give suggestions for future debauchery. Even a well placed "your being stupid and are going to end up pregnant or with the herp" is welcomed for consideration.

xoxo

HL

Welp, Had A One Night Stand...

Yeah, cue the OMG.

But it happened. And to ME?! And it was SO FUN!!!!

So...

Friday night we were at our usual place, Primi, which is this really upscale nice bar that has DJ's so people also dance and its kind of like a mini club. It's my favorite place because the people are pretty and the bar tenders know us and take really good care of us. Anyway, there has been this BEAUTIFUL tall black man whose come in a few times...seriously, we see him and all stop talking and watch him walk by every time we've seen him. My friend tried to hit on him without success last weekend, but Friday night he also had a delicious looking friend with him, London. London is beautiful and brown with these really pretty tattoos on his arms, and a British accent to die for. His family is from Portugal and Angola (Africa) so yeah...gorgeous. Beautiful black man finally noticed that we've all been staring at him and London all night and I could tell he was talking to his friends about us so I asked,
"Are you talking about us?"
"I was just saying that, you girls are always looking at us"
"well yeah...we like you"

Someone was maybe making some proper booty drops and dancing all sexy with her girl friends...which is pretty much my standard at Primi, but this particular night London was apparently watching. So he started chatting with me, bought me a drink, they left to the Cuban club across the street but he made me promise I would stay...and sure enough they came back. At one point Beautiful black man put my hand down his pants so I got to feel his junk...it was super random and HILARIOUS. I actually thought that was going to be the highlight of my evening, but things just kept getting better! London and I kept flirting and I think the turning point was when he started smoking (you can smoke inside everywhere here, it sucks) and I said
"Ohhhhh you smoke? Well now your gonna taste all smokey"
Which I actually didn't mean in a flirtatious way, looking back. I was just gonna talk with him about if other girls have complained, just making conversation...but he was splendid and said
"No I don't, try me" and kissed me. Then again. And again.

And then we went to another favorite club of mine.
Got another drink.
Made out some more.

Then it was time to go home.

He was staying in a private room in a hostel literally down the street from my flat. I invited him to my place, but he wanted to go to his so we did. Now, at this point I wasn't so set on sleeping with him. I would have been ok with just making out and messing around, but we were just having so much fun together. We got along really well and he was so sweet...and hot.

So we were making out and messing around and then naked time, and then he was putting a condom on and I was oddly fine with it. I kept waiting for myself to freak out and leave or something, but I was having a blast and just kept going with it. He was really good, I have to say, we went for a long time...after I wore him out (his words, not mine. And not the first time I've gotten them;) we took a break for some falafel and pizza down the street, came back and had some more sex. After the first time he said to me,
"I really want to make love to you, but these beds are terrible...lets put all the mattresses on the floor" So we made a giant bed on the floor out of the mattresses in the empty beds in the room and it was so fun! Then he told me all these crazy stories about his life and we talked and talked until the sun was coming up. It wasn't ever awkward. We both wanted to have sex again but ran out of condoms so we just messed around and then finally feel asleep all snuggled up.

My friends had been texting me all night making sure I was ok...they know me and know I've never done this and have said I never wanted to do this, but were so happy for me because I think I really needed it. They knew where I was the entire time and around 8a my roomie called because she woke up and I wasn't home. After that I couldn't fall back asleep so I just enjoyed snuggling for a bit before putting my clothes on and peacing...while I was getting dressed I hear his hot accent,
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I just live down the street. And I'm so thirsty."

I could have added that I wanted my own bed, but instead I just kissed him and touched his face before sneaking out. I guess I could have stayed and we could have gotten more condoms and had more sex...but I was pretty sore from the evening and probably couldn't have had more sex anyway (sometimes I think there is something wrong with me). My guy friend here said unless he is rude and overt about wanting her to leave with a one night stand girl, he would like them to stay. Snuggle. watch movies and chat in bed, etc. But I hadn't really slept all night and we had spa plans at 2, and I've never really done this before so...I left and was perfectly ok with it.

So that was my fantastic one night stand my friends. There was no exchange of numbers, I will never see him again because he is only here for the weekend, and I really love the freedom in that! Later a part of me wished I had at least exchanged numbers in case he wanted to hang out while I'm in London, which he mentioned wanting to do...but eh. I also didn't want to ruin a perfectly good fling.

Analyzation:
I didn't go home with him because I was sad about PAG or even thinking about PAG. I actually have men give me the eye and hit on me almost every weekend, but I just ignored them because I had a boyfriend and/or a vibe and didn't want that. But Friday night I didn't have a boyfriend. Haven't had sex in almost a year. And there was actually some chemistry with a beautiful brown boy here...which never happens. Now, I don't think I am going to make this a regular occurrence or anything but when I woke up in the morning, contrary to popular belief, I did NOT feel bad about anything. I didn't feel guilty, I was just happy and felt sexually relieved for sure. I kept expecting this guilty feeling to come as the days have passed, but so far nothing...I only regret maybe not staying longer and snuggling more and hanging out with him because we had fun together, but I am also ok with the option I chose- sleep.

Although I don't feel guilty or anything, I will acknowledge that it was different then being intimate with someone you love and care about- even with PAG even though we weren't "technically" having sex. Part of me missed the sweetness, the "your so beautiful" comments, the stroking of the hair, etc. But at the same time, it was ok. It was what it was- FUN (And safe!). And it would have been weird to have all that with someone I just met, plus he was still sweet in his own way.

I promise that getting naked with someone and doing the "everything but sex" routine is pretty much exactly the same thing as actually having sex with someone...it's just more satisfying in the end. This is not to say making a man your serious about wait for it isn't worth it. Or that sex can't be built up to mean something more with a person you care about. And intimately it is sweeter when its with someone you love. But I can promise that all those conservative friends of yours who somehow think its less intimate to do everything BUT sex are dead WRONG. I was wrong, I see this now. If you don't want to be intimate with someone sexually, then don't take any clothes off. Done and done.

I was kind of hoping to wake up and feel less sad about losing and missing PAG. While I was definitely in a better mood overall, and still am, the hurt and sadness I feel about PAG is still there. It didn't go away. So now I know that any amount of sex with someone who is not the one you love-won't make the hurt go away. Maybe for a little while, but it's still there when you wake up.

So there it is. If you think I'm a skank now in B town- I really don't care. I had such a fun time and was as safe as anyone could be and am so stoked on life! My roomie and I keep saying, "I love our lives!" and its just so true.

So this post is for you London.
Wherever you are, stay there. You were perfect.

It's Done.

Finally he called me back.

We are officially done.

(For now?)

I should probably sleep though, so more details to come. 

Being extremely sick with a head and chest infection PLUS breaking up with your boyfriend while being in a foreign country = awesome. 

So Apparently...

So apparently I am a partier?

I am going out until the wee hours of the morning every weekend and am up until midnight 1-2 weeknights too. But I have only really gotten "drunk" 1-2 times since I've been here. Even though roomie would beg to differ. But I don't throw up, I don't make out with strangers, I hardly even flirt, I always end up sober and in my own bed by bed time, and I'll have all of maybe 5 drinks throughout the course of an entire evening (until 6am even!)

But lets think about this. I am very social. And I love to dance. So going out with friends socially and having a few drinks throughout the week doesn't mean I am a partier, does it?

PS I think I am finally living the life I was meant too.

Sad Hearts.

Sorry for the lack of posts this week, I managed to get sick Monday and instead of staying home-going to the doctor-or getting medicine...I just kept going to work and went out all weekend too, so of course its now Sunday and I am STILL sick and feel like shit. Plus, I have managed to almost completely loose my voice too.

BUT it was another lovely weekend. Some drama of course...Friday at the club roomie got roughed up by the bouncers and bitchy bar tenders for no reason...a small fight between girl friends...and last night we tried to incorporate a new friend who ended up being SO weird and rude by the end of the evening so between that and the new weird club we were trying...things ended oddly. But Sunday brunch with everyone today (excluding the weird guy for obvious reasons) was wonderful, and one of my new girl friends is going to take me to the mall to get my sickness taken care of and maybe attempt to fix my iPhone...AGAIN. I think I will probably call in sick to work tomorrow too. I can barely talk as it is, let alone to yell at the kids all day.

In other news...

Things with PAG were PERFECT again last week. We talked every night before I went to bed, even video skyped a bit, and it was just all around back to normal. Well, as normal as two long distance people who are busy can be. But then, again, this week he plays this vanishing act and it's becoming so hurtful. He was missing my calls but not calling me back, he finally called me on Wednesday but we had friends over so I snuck out to chat with him briefly and then said "I'm staying home tomorrow so lets have one of our epic 2 hour convos tomorrow night, ok?". Thursday comes, I send the roomie out on the town and snuggle in to have a chat with him. He doesn't respond to my text. Hasn't replied to my emails. Isn't picking up my calls or calling me back. And Friday even sent me a blank email with the subject being:

"you are freed"


What does that even MEAN?! I really don't know, but with the sudden lack of communication AND the weird email...I am hurt and annoyed and...well, mostly just hurt. Early last night I wrote him a nice but direct "WTF?" email and when I came home at 5a to NO response...not even a missed call...text...email...nothing. I cried myself to sleep. We had friends staying over but the roomie just loved me and then put me to bed and let me be sad. My other girl friend crept into bed with me later and made sure I was ok too.

I am just tired of feeling this way. One week we love life, and the next week I am ignored. I keep blaming myself for moving away or for being so social so it probably threatens him. But EVERY week, even though I go out a lot...I am SO well behaved. My roomie was even encouraging me...
me: I mean, I don't even really flirt with anyone else!
roomie: um, come on, you don't flirt AT ALL.

And its true. So why am I still blaming myself if HE'S the one being an asshole?

Fellow females, why do we do this?

xoxo