Sunday, August 14, 2011


Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've had an abundance of time...but have been so depressed and overwhelmed with everything going on I couldn't bear to write. So dramatic, I know. But by now you know this is how I roll. Either its the pill/hormones that makes me crazy town or its just me. But every once in awhile...usually on average every 2 months I just have these horribly low days where everything in life is just too much and I don't want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, nothing. Just sleep and cry and be depressed. It's pretty horrible, but I don't want to be on meds for something I have learned to deal with. I just give myself time limits on being in bed, make myself shower and eat, try and socialize even if its just me watching TV with a friend, and make sure to get sunshine and fresh air. Eventually the cloud goes away and I am ok again. Sometimes its triggered by stress, which is what happened this time.

Let's rewind to last Friday which I spent smiling ear to ear wrapped in PAG's arms until the morning when neither of us wanted to get out of bed. Everything is perfect and I get a "I'll call you later" when I left. Cue 5 days of not hearing from him. We chatted a tiny bit on gchat on Sunday, but only for 5 minutes and then he logged off. I made myself promise to try not to contact him, because I have been so confused about how he feels about me with this on and off stuff. By Thursday with no word I was tired of being so depressed and anxious all the time, so I emailed him. The email basically contained the important basics...either you don't like me, aren't making me a priority, or something else and you're being a jerk by ignoring me and not talking to me about it. You know I don't deserve this. I still think you're an amazing person and I wish we could be friends even while I am gone... thats about the gist.

THEN that afternoon Africa calls me and we talk for an hour or so about some serious things going on in his he might be deported because no jobs will give him a work permit so he might have to marry his ex gf...but he doesn't want to lose me? And how he misses me? Um...ok, I haven't heard from you in a MONTH. I am hanging up with him and am literally saying good bye when PAG calls.

I'm so so sorry. It's just too hard. Every time I'm with you I want to invest more in you and then am reminded you're leaving again. And I don't want to hold you back while you are there, I want you to go out and have fun, but then I am unhappy not being able to be with you or a rescue phone call away and I worry about you. You're beautiful. You're smart. I love being with you. We would be together if you lived here. This is just how it is right now. Can I see you one more time before you go? Again, I am so sorry for hurting you. I don't mean to do it, I just shut down because you're leaving. You don't deserve it. 

We don't know if we'll be able to talk much while I am gone...he says he doesn't ever want to hear about me seeing other guys and its bound to come up and its too hard, but we can maybe try. Afterwards Cassie calmed me down with Realistically, he's not going to find the love of his life in the next few months, its going to be ok. PAG had said something similar too. On the one hand I feel 10x better having understanding and semi closure with him. But on the other hand am struggling with this dual life I feel like I am leading. Crazy party time in Europe vs. wanting to be more secure and settle in socal. This week I fill out the paperwork because I was accepted into a local sub system here...which is the reason why I left in the first place to teach abroad- nowhere was hiring here. But now they are! And now I have all these friends and living opportunities downtown where I would be much happier living. Plus with so much family stuff going on and my impending departure, I have been feeling drained to say the least. It's all just a lot to process.

I finally feel like we can officially say I am definitely and completely in love with PAG. It's just baby love, new, silly, and sweet. But the more that I let myself say it out loud and acknowledge that its more then just infatuation, the more I realize how true it is. And the sadder it makes me to be away from him.



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