No, I DON'T Want To Be Your Mistress?

Last night Africa and I got into a riveting debate about his "marriage for a visa" situation. It's actually my idea for him, I suggested awhile back he talk to his EX about getting married so he could stay. And he said "She is still always trying to get in contact with me. And she loves me so much she probably would. My African friend suggested I do the same thing. But I don't want to lose you."-which threw me off initially since we aren't really that together and hadn't talked in ages...but anyway. 

Last night he told me he was meeting with his EX today, and that they would continue to meet until he felt comfortable asking her about the marriage thing. So I obviously started feeling weird about it...since she loves him and hes kind of leading her on to get the visa, and I don't want to be the other woman, annnnnd the entire situation is just a bit much for me. Especially when I have so much of my own shit to deal with. However, he got kind of mad at my concerns. He felt like it was going to be fine, he could manage both of us, and I was making it more complicated then it really was. He was also angry that he though I had said I would be ok with it...when actually I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and that we'd have to see. Pretty sure a lot of this gets lost in translation too, he sent me this long thing and I had such a tough time deciphering it. Finally he said he didn't want to talk about it anymore until I was there because "you are complicating things". Pretty sure EVERYTHING is complicated about this situation... but all I see is a boy who wants 2 girls at once. 

How is this my life?! How are FIVE of my girls getting married next year and I am dealing with THIS?! Although, it is a really funny predicament. I keep giggling to myself at Africa's thinking "everything's going to be fine! You're complicating things!" attitude. Um, well of course you think that...your VILLAGE was all siblings from your father and his 7+ wives. Ridiculous. 

Stay tuned to my ever adventurous love life. Good Lord.

xoxo

HL

Overwhelmed.

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've had an abundance of time...but have been so depressed and overwhelmed with everything going on I couldn't bear to write. So dramatic, I know. But by now you know this is how I roll. Either its the pill/hormones that makes me crazy town or its just me. But every once in awhile...usually on average every 2 months I just have these horribly low days where everything in life is just too much and I don't want to get out of bed, talk to anyone, eat, nothing. Just sleep and cry and be depressed. It's pretty horrible, but I don't want to be on meds for something I have learned to deal with. I just give myself time limits on being in bed, make myself shower and eat, try and socialize even if its just me watching TV with a friend, and make sure to get sunshine and fresh air. Eventually the cloud goes away and I am ok again. Sometimes its triggered by stress, which is what happened this time.

Let's rewind to last Friday which I spent smiling ear to ear wrapped in PAG's arms until the morning when neither of us wanted to get out of bed. Everything is perfect and I get a "I'll call you later" when I left. Cue 5 days of not hearing from him. We chatted a tiny bit on gchat on Sunday, but only for 5 minutes and then he logged off. I made myself promise to try not to contact him, because I have been so confused about how he feels about me with this on and off stuff. By Thursday with no word I was tired of being so depressed and anxious all the time, so I emailed him. The email basically contained the important basics...either you don't like me, aren't making me a priority, or something else and you're being a jerk by ignoring me and not talking to me about it. You know I don't deserve this. I still think you're an amazing person and I wish we could be friends even while I am gone... thats about the gist.

THEN that afternoon Africa calls me and we talk for an hour or so about some serious things going on in his life...like he might be deported because no jobs will give him a work permit so he might have to marry his ex gf...but he doesn't want to lose me? And how he misses me? Um...ok, I haven't heard from you in a MONTH. I am hanging up with him and am literally saying good bye when PAG calls.

Snippets...
I'm so so sorry. It's just too hard. Every time I'm with you I want to invest more in you and then am reminded you're leaving again. And I don't want to hold you back while you are there, I want you to go out and have fun, but then I am unhappy not being able to be with you or a rescue phone call away and I worry about you. You're beautiful. You're smart. I love being with you. We would be together if you lived here. This is just how it is right now. Can I see you one more time before you go? Again, I am so sorry for hurting you. I don't mean to do it, I just shut down because you're leaving. You don't deserve it. 


We don't know if we'll be able to talk much while I am gone...he says he doesn't ever want to hear about me seeing other guys and its bound to come up and its too hard, but we can maybe try. Afterwards Cassie calmed me down with Realistically, he's not going to find the love of his life in the next few months, its going to be ok. PAG had said something similar too. On the one hand I feel 10x better having understanding and semi closure with him. But on the other hand am struggling with this dual life I feel like I am leading. Crazy party time in Europe vs. wanting to be more secure and settle in socal. This week I fill out the paperwork because I was accepted into a local sub system here...which is the reason why I left in the first place to teach abroad- nowhere was hiring here. But now they are! And now I have all these friends and living opportunities downtown where I would be much happier living. Plus with so much family stuff going on and my impending departure, I have been feeling drained to say the least. It's all just a lot to process.

I finally feel like we can officially say I am definitely and completely in love with PAG. It's just baby love, new, silly, and sweet. But the more that I let myself say it out loud and acknowledge that its more then just infatuation, the more I realize how true it is. And the sadder it makes me to be away from him.

xoxo

HL

Stop.

Hey gentleman, can we stop falling in love with me please?
And can the one I actually want let himself fall?

The other day Africa and Z both were trying to FB chat with me at the same time...Africa's started with "Hey Gorgeous"...and then just now some random guy in Vegas who I made it very clear to that I was trying to work out things with PAG, added and messaged me on FB. Random guy in Vegas REALLY liked me, but I just kept trying to give him the brush off without being too mean.

I just can't get these men to stop falling for me.

And the one I DO want I can tell is still hesitant to get involved with me as I am leaving again...

Although we do finally have plans for tonight, and we skyped for 2 hours last night- but I havent seen him in 10 days. Ridiculous.

Friends.

WHY do we have to have these amazing men in our lives that will never, for one reason or another, work out as a dating relationship? WHY do they even exist besides to frustrate the hell out of me.

Take Z for example. One of my favorite friends I've made in Bratislava. I am extremely attracted to him, we always have these amazing conversations, the first person there I have things in common with, the list goes on. But of course, he's also kind of a crazy person, annoys the crap out of me sometimes, and hits on me every time hes drunk but swears when he's sober he doesn't want anything with me. Cue me having to veto every time he makes a move on me, which isn't always easy when I'm attracted to him too. Fun times.

Then there's Africa. Also one of the sweetest guys ever, so smart and well educated, attractive, sensitive, attentive, loving...but his priorities are all about improving himself and women are kind of on the back burner during this time of his life. Plus, he's trying to apply to jobs that will let him live other places long term- I can't get seriously involved with someone like that so we just stay friends...annnnnd sometimes hook up before I leave for San Diego for like 2 months.

Finally -insert here- the many amazing men that I meet who are either living in Bratislava temporarily or live in San Diego and I am the temporary one. Everything will be there...attraction, things in common, chemistry, you name it...but we can't even attempt anything because one of us is leaving all too soon and we like each other too much to just hook up. Times like these I want to punch timing in the face and almost wish I had never even met these gentleman.

I suppose it part of the age we live in. All of us are in our mid to late twenties trying to start careers, "find ourselves", and focus on getting our own shit together while also trying to meet someone else and have something worthwhile to give them. Everyone is moving around trying to figure things out...it just makes it hard to find anything substantial.

With all of that being said, I have official dinner plans with PAG this evening and am already freaking out. I know its going to be wonderful and perfect which is probably why I am freaking out to begin with. What do I do with this fantastic person sitting across from me?

Wish me luck.

xoxo

Harper Lane.

Am I Allowed To Do This?

No surprise, birthday boy couldn't find time to see me today.

But you know who DID?

Africa.

Yeah, Africa came by today after a fancy shmancy interview to say good bye to me and I wanted to hear about how his interview went. He was so sweet with me and it was so nice to see him it didn't even feel weird when he kissed me properly on his way out.

And he INSISTED on waking up with me at the crack of dawn and helping me carry my bag to the bus station. I kept telling him "no no no, really I can manage" but he really insisted and how could I say no to my sexy ex lover in a suit?

Sooooo Africa is coming over tonight to sleep and then wake up with me at like 3a to go to the bus station that will take me to the airport.

I think he might actually like me and is trying to woo me again.

But here's the thing...

I keep feeling like a floozy for sleeping with these different guys. Am I allowed to have semi sex with one guy on Friday, and then (probably) another one on Monday? Granted, both boys I know pretty well and are my friends already. But isn't this a little skanky? I just don't know anymore. I am always so in the moment, I forget about anyone else besides the person I am with until later when I go...hmmm, was that not ok? I really don't know. Someones sense of judgement has gotten rather skewed.

However, at the same time. We are all in this really weird time in our life. Everyone is moving around and doing their thing, I'll meet these really great guys but I am only here for 6 months...or a year...or whatever...and they are only stationed here for a few months, or just interviewed for a job that would move them to another country, etc.
So what do you do?

Just enjoy the time you have. 

Not sure what else there is to do.

Besides to ALWAYS wear a condom and get regular check ups. hehe.

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer.

Apparently I am RIDICULOUS.

Last night we had a party for the one marine we haven't met yet, apparently a black guy from Mississippi. We all met at my flat and went together, I was SO excited to see Z and had been looking forward to it all week, I was hoping it would be a good night for me to continue trying to figure out if he was into me or not. We arrive and rather quickly the birthday boy starts very overtly flirting with me. Z is acting his crazy self and I just thought he was being goofy and I was still a little annoyed I couldn't figure him out yet. I was talking to everyone, but then birthday boy would want me to talk to him...then Z would be acting crazy and I'd talk with him...back and forth all night. Finally, birthday boy asks to take me on a "tour of the house"...which I've already seen. I still don't have Z figured out, so I decided...oh what will it hurt...and we go on a tour. He overtly compliments and flirts with me like a 15 year old kid, then we kiss a bit before going back into the party. Confusion doesn't begin to describe. TWO attractive and sweet guys hitting on you at the same time...but one your not sure if you can even call it that because he's always crazy anyway, isn't he?

The highlight of the evening might be me between the two of them in the back seat, with birthday boys arm around me on one side...and Z trying to hold my hand on the other. I was SO confused.

The rest of the night was drama trying to get everyone into the clubs...but birthday boy decides to be a little bitch the entire night and crab about how shitty his birthday party is going...and Z loses his keys and just mopes in the corner. I am OVERWHELMED by both of their attention, I just decided to do my thing and see what happens. Then we run into Africa on the way to the club. Yeah, that happened. I could NOT deal at this point and just tried to ignore both of the them the rest of the night.

Wake up in the morning and my friends tell me their observances. Apparently I was paying way more attention to birthday boy (even though he just turned 24, and leaves in 3 months), and Z was trying to get my attention the entire night then moped because it wasn't working. To them, it looked like I chose birthday boy and was ignoring Z-who was CLEARLY showing me he was into me all night. Ladies and gentlemen, unbeknownst to me- I was a player. I couldn't make a decision (didn't really feel like I had to since I just me both of them) so I just played both of them...at the same party.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I didn't mean too. I just didn't know what to do, so I was just nice to both of them.

However, it comes down to this: Birthday boy is hot, a good kisser, and very sweet...but pretty obviously just wants to get laid and then is peacing out. As much fun as that would be, I think I would rather jump off this one night stand and 2 month lover train and try to embark on something more serious. I've been realizing the lack of actual relationships in my past love life...they are all just these little weird things of a few weeks, or that one entire year "kind of" relationship of some guy treating me like shit. I could see something substantial with Z for at least a little while, I enjoy his company so much and am very attracted to him.

But I may have fucked it up already. I just didn't know what was going on! I called Z today to maybe apologize and invite him to go to lunch with us, but he said later for a movie and dinner would be better. So I am all excited all day...then call him at the designated time and he says he's sleeping. So yeah...no reconciliation. We'll see what happens tomorrow, maybe we'll end up doing something.

Not the brightest crayon in the coloring box this weekend.

FML

So much.

Monday We took out a friend for his birthday, roomie kept buying me drinks even though I said I only wanted one and then wanted to go home, but noooooo all of a sudden laughing all night turned into her trying to hook me up with the birthday boy, and then we were the most wasted we've been since I've been here and we had to carry each other home at 2:30a. It was RIDICULOUS. On a Monday? Really?

Was feeling too sick to go into work Tuesday (I know, failure) and now that its the end of the year so we aren't doing much anyway...and both girls have called in for the same reason recently too, so I stayed home feeling fluish and sleeping all day.

After I slept in a bit and checked my email, got a message from mom saying they found something in her lung that has a 50/50 chance of being cancer but we won't know until a second scan in September. So here I am, sitting in bed feeling like shit and crying my eyes out because all I can think is that my mother is going to die, soon. I was trying not to freak out, but couldn't help it. I already feel guilty for being so far away after she's been so sick...now what?

I talked to her later and she explained that its not that big of a deal and the procedure to get rid of it is simple...but the bigger deal is that if it is cancer then that means her chemo didn't work and its basically only a matter of time. So that was fun.

To top off my shitty day, Africa decides he finally has time for me and calls me twice and chats me on FB. He was just acting casually, like "hey Im done with my exams finally, how are you". I tried ignoring him because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with anything and was actually angry that with everything going on, I couldn't even call him because he was "busy". But he called me out on ignoring him, so I had to get into it. Lets start with, IT SUCKED. I tried to explain how I felt about it being inappropriate for him to completely ignore me for 9 days, that if he's busy then thats fine, he can be busy without me. I'm not waiting around for him. But he genuinely did NOT understand, and I just felt so horrible. He felt like since he told me before that he would be busy all week, I should be fine with it. He just felt like he was right and I was wrong, I was so frustrated. But I am emotional about so many things right now, I am still confused about how much to put up with...was I expecting too much from someone? I want a guy who puts me #1 and if he isn't that then I should just peace...right? I just wanted some texts, a FB message, SOMETHING. I understand being busy, I am busy...but I still MAKE time for the people I care about.

NOT What Was Expected.

This has nothing to do with the post, besides what fuels said weekend. And also, I love gin and tonic with an undying passion and always will.

Wow. What a weekend.

To begin with, haven't heard from Africa since...Wednesday when he wrote to tell me he couldn't come over as I requested for dinner and to help massage my messed up back because we was "too busy". Haven't seen him in a week, and haven't heard from him otherwise since that little message. Didn't show up all weekend. Didn't respond to my texts. Confused? Yeah, join the club. Apparently spending an awesome weekend together=being over it. So instead of waiting around for his ass to not be busy and give a shit, I'm not going to be offended and just decided that if he's too busy for me then, fine. I am over this waiting game bullshit. Seriously. We're not doing this anymore. I am not hurt, or even so much angry as I am just irritated.

ANYWAY (theres a reason thats a big anyway),
A young man we'll call Z has been hanging out with us all a lot recently. The first few times I met him, his hyperness and weird jokes stressed me out. He was sure I didn't like him, and really he just irritated me and I just wanted to chill. (More drama then that went down, but it was stupid and ended up just being drunk people and miscommunication. Shock, I know). However, after roomie convinced me we actually had a lot in common and to give him a chance, we've been chatting more the last few weeks when we go out and have so much in common I feel like I could actually survive here now that someone finally likes the same music, movies, books, humor, TV, books, etc that I do. He is 28, from Croatia/Bosnia, and is majoring in English at a university in Vienna.  He is super American, and even though he speaks like 4 languages-his English is the best out of anyone we've met here. Often we talk in "we" around him and forget he's not American. Besides all of that, I find myself very attracted to him. I did initially, but his hyper personality exhausted me so I let it go. I see now that it was just him trying really hard to either fit in with all of us or to impress me...because according to roomie, its very obvious that he likes me.

The Supposed Signs:
-He's told roomie he thinks I'm "so hot" and told me later how beautiful I am.

-Friday night he stayed on our couch and we watched TV together a bit and he was holding my hand and trying to kind of woo me, which I disregarded because I knew he'd been drinking.

-He then proceeded to spend the entire weekend with me...we all went out Friday, and he slept on our couch, then Saturday we all went to a BBQ, then snuggled with roomie and her bf watching funny videos and eating crappy food late at night. Sunday instead of leaving he asked me to go get coffee and then we went to the riverside and had a drink, thhe carried all my groceries home and taught me how to roast a chicken, more good music and movies were played, and he didn't leave until Sunday night. He slept on the couch the entire weekend, and besides holding my hand and telling me I'm beautiful Friday night there weren't any overt moves. He always asks "So where's Africa?" and encouraged me not to put up with boys ignoring me....which brother said is a good move on his part. Trying to wait until I'm officially single before swooping in.

Despite all of this, I am still not so sure he's that into me. I know he doesn't have a lot of friends here so he might just be excited to make a friend, and the hand holding may have just been drunkeness/horniness.

Consensus from roomie, brother, and mom is: WHAT WRONG WITH YOU, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU, HE STAYED ALL WEEKEND!

And somehow I am still on the fence. Maybe because I feel weird since Africa and I aren't officially over...but more so because I really really obviously like this guy and it's kind of freaking me out. Boys are easier when I don't care so much. But also for the obvious reason that he's social and outgoing and doesn't have a lot of friends in the city, so that = just friends...right?

So. He's gone until Wednesday and then I have my super awesome friend Jen in town until Saturday, but we'll all be partying all week, which means we'll see each other again and see if there are these supposed "sparks" you speak of.

Who knew my love life was so ridiculous? Besides you of course...

xoxo

HL

Spoiled.

Currently have a man who goes shopping, brings food over, then proceeds to make me sit on the couch and watch TV while he cooks delicious African food for me. And not just once in awhile, but multiple times a week if I let him.

When we wake up in the morning, he makes me eggs, toast, and tea and we eat it in bed before he shoos me out the door for work.

I bought a little workbook and he is helping teach me French before we go to sleep.

I get dressed up and go sit at the fancy bar he works at and he buys me fancy drinks.

And I am finally getting used to falling asleep to French radio and being snuggled with the entire night.

I'm just saying, a girl could get used to this.
And probably should.
And stop taking bullshit from anyone else ever again.

xoxo

HL

I Think We Can All Agree.

I think we can all agree, morning sex is the BEST.

There's nothing like falling asleep quickly because your both SO tired...then waking up in the morning half asleep, but refreshed, and snuggling. Until the snuggling turns into making out...and then the making out turns into your night gown up at your waist and hot sexy time to get you ready for the day. Every time I am lucky enough to have a male suitor stay over, the next day at work I definitely notice an extra hop in my step and swish in my walk. I've said it before and I'll say it again, "this is the BEST way to wake up!".

On that note, I think its fair to say I am still seeing Africa. I am EXTREMELY torn because I still don't feel those butterflies or sparkles with him...and I don't see myself falling in love with him...or even know if I want to. I don't want to fall in love and marry him OR fall in love and know its going to end and be hurt again. I just don't feel up for it. However, roomie seems to think its perfectly fine to be in a relationship long term and never love the other person. She's done it with her ex husband and her ex live in boyfriend...both of which are still hurt and can't get over her. Plus, she's kind of crazy so I don't know if I should even listen to her.

But there's something freeing about letting GO of the "I need to find someone to marry!" line of thinking that has been drilled into my head by my family, culture, and church growing up. Why can't I just enjoy people and worry about the marrying part when its around the time I actually want to be married? Which is certainly NOT now. Because obviously NOW is the "live it up in Europe" phase in my life. So maybe we should just try and enjoy the ride instead of constantly worrying about the destination.

Oh, God.

Sunday night Africa messaged me at 10:30p asking if he could come over. Normally, no problem, but after not hearing from him all week and weekend besides a quick visit Friday afternoon and some spur of the moment sex, I wasn’t wanting him to come over just so I could feel bad about myself for feeling used again. Instead he came over after work yesterday, we had a nice time watching TV and moves...I made a delicious dinner...nothing special, just relaxing. Finally it was bed time and I still hadn’t talked to him about how hurt I was after being ignored all week. Kind of tough with roomie hanging out with us the entire time, which I love, but I couldn’t really discuss anything serious with him then. 

THEN something kind of ridiculous happened. I am not even sure how I am processing it. We were having some hot before bed sex...probably one of our best...when he asked me all intensely and aggressively, 

“Do you love me?”

WTF. I didn’t even know how to respond. I know how to respond if someone says, “I love you” and your not quite ready to feel that yet, give a simple “I know you do” or “your so sweet” or make up something.... But DO YOU LOVE ME? While your slapping my ass? REALLY? 

So I didn’t say anything at first. Then he quickly asked me again.

I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND!!!

So I just said “mmhmm”

And the he kept going... “say it out loud, say ‘I love you’”

Even writing this I feel like I am going to die of awkwardness.

So I just said it. Got it over with.

And he said, 

“you know I love you too”

He proceeded to say it 2 more times and at that point, how else do I respond?

At this point in the post, I am not sure how to proceed. 

Seriously. I just took a break.

I am 80% sure I don’t love him. I don’t know why, since he’s such a good guy and we have such a nice time together. I enjoy spending time with him and would like to continue...but love? Really? I’ve only known Africa like 6 weeks...and while I fell in love with Number 2 and PAG rather quickly it was kind of more of a love at first sight kind of thing with them. I feel terrible. Like I should tell him I don’t actually love him and that I was just caught up in the moment, that I just need some time. That’d be so mean. But I also don’t really see this going anywhere...I don’t even know if I want it to. 

This is ridiculous! My one night stand just told me he loved me while I am going home for the summer rather quickly and hoping to meet back up with my ex long distance thing who hasn’t even attempted to make contact in like 2 months. 

(PS in the morning we briefly talked about the “ignoring” which ended up really just being a big miscommunication on both our ends. Plus, he was really good about listening to me. He just said “go ahead” and let me tell him everything I felt before he even attempted to say anything. Very sweet.)

Well This is Weird.

Seriously, Africa?

I haven't heard from him all week and barely this weekend except just now a FB message regarding some movie we watched part of together. I don't care if you are tired from your exams, it's rude to not respond to people and to ignore the girl your seeing all week and then just pop in or message me like everything is ok.

And now I have to be put in this position of partially ignoring him and partially revving up to yell at him next time he reappears. How many times have I been put in this position? Why am I so nice and boys think they can walk all over me. Why is it "normal" for guys to act like jackasses all the time?

And to top it off, my throat is all swollen and sore...but not scratchy and sore like I am getting a cold...swollen and sore like I can't swallow or talk. So thats fun, probably getting sick. AGAIN. And I think I am PMSing and am so emotional!

Decisions, Decisions.

Think I could handle a little more of this?

Big news. My little school here in Slovakia offered to move me up to teaching 5th grade next year instead of Pre-K! My director said some really flattering things about me- like how great of a teacher I am and how I am kind of being "wasted" in Pre-K since it isn't even really technically a grade level. Pre-K is lovely, but it IS a lot of babysitting in the afternoons and a lot of exhausting "work" which really just involves giving 14 children A LOT of attention all day, and very little teaching. My co-workers think its a really good move for me so I don't get "stuck" in kinder and don't ever get to move up to real grade levels. Teaching a another grade level would look really good on my CV and I have taught 5th grade before and LOVED it.

Unfortunately, it means they want me to commit for an entire other year. Yeah, until NEXT June. Which makes sense for the kids. And for my CV. And everything else.

But still...

Immediately I thought of PAG and how this means we really won't get to reconnect...even though I've never heard from him again...but still (oh, I am crazy town). And if not PAG, someone else from home I could actually have a real relationship and a future with. I thought about how I am turning 26 in October. I am getting old. And alone. And the vision of me being one of those "I'm 30 and single and fabulous! But really I am lonely and sleep with people I don't love and it sucks" women. So needless to say, I freaked out.

But then everyone keeps reminding me 25/26 is young. I meet lovely people here all the time and whose to say I can't have something with someone international? I have always been pretty "Euro" anyway. Plus, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time, why would I go home and live with my parents and work at Starbucks in our crappy economy? More time to pay off my debt, save some money, and travel.

Plus, roomie reminded me that under Slovak law I can give a 2-3 months notice and still leave mid year if I want to with no repercussions. Although it would seriously effect my CV and letter of recommendation, but at least I have the option.

Another issue is the lack of language arts and history curriculum. And by "lack"" I mean there isn't any.  I don't even think they ordered any for next year. I have 6 months of Pre-K curriculum done and was planning on finishing the first 3 months over the summer so next year was going to be a breeze. I am looking to order some different ones for 5th grade, but it's expensive and a lot of work.

So we'll see what happens. They want to know my decision about the entire year by Monday. So I think I will say yes and give my notice if I need too.

Meanwhile, Africa has been weird all week. Playing the disappearing act then randomly showing up Friday before his work like nothing had happened...then disappearing again all weekend. I was kind of upset that it appeared things were ending, and now I am just annoyed.

Good weekend drinking a lot at Primi on Friday night with friends...except everyone else got WASTED and I had to take roomie home early, we had a new friend sleep on our couch, and no one knows how our other friend even got home. So you know, the usual.

xoxo

HL

A Girl Could Get Used To This.

Dancing in a sudden summer rain storm in a medieval castle? check. 

Yesterday afternoon Africa came by with a bunch of food and cooked for me, brought me fruit, translated my vitamin instructions for me, brought me cake, and then gave me amazing foot massages while we watched a movie with the roomie. YEAH I KNOW, someone isn't used to this kind of treatment and someone didn't even know how to respond. Then after he had to work but came back later to sleep with me (and make some sweet sweet loving obvi) even though he could have gotten sick. We were up chatting and laughing until the wee hours, he doesn't get off until 2am, so after we slept the morning away and had breakfast in bed he agreed to escort me up to Bratislava castle. I've lived here almost 5 months and still haven't been to the main tourist attraction.

First we went into the old city to a nice place and he bought me lunch and told me crazy Africa stories about tape worms...yeah, apparently it was quite common...then we walked hand in hand around windy cobble stone streets up up up to the castle that towers over the city. He knew the way and was my little guide. We took ancient stairs, peeked into tiny worn out churches, strolled along colored little houses, and then around the castle grounds. We sat on the bench awhile in the shade relaxing and laughing when the weather suddenly went from a balmy 77 to cloudy and cool...then it was sprinkling...then raining...then HAILING. First of all, little socal girl isn't used to HAIL in the middle of May, but ok I am getting used to weird weather. But, hiding from the rain for 20 minutes in a medieval castle overlooking the city isn't a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Afterwards we walked back down and to his restaurant for his next shift, I sat at the bar drinking fancy water and trying to get the energy back to walk the rest of the way home and we just chatted and...
it was just a really nice day. 


So why was I still thinking about PAG sometimes? And thinking about the way PAG would look at me like I was the most amazing and beautiful girl in the entire world. No one has ever looked at me the way he did. Is that something thats supposed to be instant or can just come with time? Do I even want it to with Africa? Why can't I just calm the fuck down and enjoy whatever it is we have between us right now and forget about PAG, since clearly he has forgotten about me. Maybe I am not ready for this. But I FEEL ready for this. Something is wrong with me.

So yeah...crazy is comin' round again...

xoxo

HL

Completely Bare.

I've always wanted to get my lady waxed. Whenever I shaved her I LOVED the smoothness if it for the first few days, and then literally wanted to kill myself because of the ingrown hairs and itching. I vowed to NEVER do it ever again and since then I just keep her neat and trimmed and we are friends again. Now that I have a steady adult job and pays decently, have men seeing her somewhat regularly, and a really nice wax here is SO cheap compared to the states...tomorrow we take the plunge.

All of my girl friends and even my mum have always said its amazing, not as painful as you think it will be, and totally worth it. So it's worth a try at least.

I think Africa is coming by after work tonight for some sweet sweet loving, so it better be good since I think I'll be out of commission for a day or two afterwards. Poor lady. She doesn't even know whats coming.

xoxo

HL

Forward.

Still no response from the perfectly nice and mostly normal email I sent to PAG on Sunday night. Luckily I have found that I am not anxiously waiting around for a response, often I forget that I sent it. But still, lets add this to the reasons I need to MOVE ON and find someone else lovelier.

Instead, I invited Africa to a little birthday dinner at my friends house tonight. Actually, he asked how I was doing and when he could see me again and then I invited him to said event. I find myself missing him in my bed and just enjoying relaxing around him.

Roomie and I have been wondering lately if the "sparkle" we have felt with other guys who didn't work out was really anything important anyway...maybe it was all just lust. And this comfortable, sweet, home feeling with another person is just as valuable. Just very different for us.

I think its a good sign that I find myself really excited to see him in 1.5 hours...and we can't even have sex...so it really is just him. And as roomie always says, "just enjoy your time with him, its not like you have to marry the guy".

Oh future, what do you hold?

xoxo

HL

PS: rushed home because its roomies birthday today and she just heard from her new job she was supposed to start that her work permit was rejected, but instead I came home to her having loud sex so...I guess I won't be doing chores in the living room.

Lack of Sparkle.

I've been DYING to write all week, and even now I am staying up later then I should to update, but its been such a busy week and I've been extra tired...so here we are days later with my head ready to explode with thoughts needing to be put on "paper".

Africa ended up spending the evening with me on Tuesday, we watched the hockey game on TV with the roomie and again he brought me all these little food gifts and gave me massages, its so cute. He was so tender and cuddly with me on the couch, it was so relaxing and nice. In the morning we went to have some sweet morning sex when he stopped and said..."Are you ok? Did I hurt you? Because there is blood everywhere..." I was supposed to get my period soon so I assumed it was that and just played it off like it wasn't a big deal and changed the sheets and tried not to be embarrassed...but my white sheets and duvet are ruined. He didn't seem to care, and even when I said "Oh wow, this has never happened before, Im sorry, I'm so embarrassed!" he said "Why? Don't be embarrassed, It's not a big deal" And after I changed the sheets he just got back snuggled into bed and I went to work. I came home and the gross sheets I'd piled on the floor were neatly folded in the corner, all of our trash was taken out, and my bed was made. It was precious. Thats when I remembered he was from AFRICA, a little blood? Are you kidding?

Add that little adventure to the vault.

On Friday night I went out with friends and after his shift finished at 2am he met up with my friends and I at Primi. We were all already tired and ready to go home so he just took me home and unveiled MORE treats he always brings me, and we snuggled in. Saturday we stayed in bed practically the ENTIRE day. It was SO nice. Slept in until like 1...he made me lunch...then we got back into bed and read/went on the computer and talked and it was pretty lovely. He had to go to work around 6p and I had to meet up with friends so we got ready together and then separated, but he asked me to visit him at work later so I did.

Ok, so things sound so wonderful and he's SO sweet and I really enjoy spending time with him but there is this weird lack of...sparkle. You know, that sparkle you get when you are first getting to know and fall for someone? I had it almost immediately with Number 2 and PAG, but either don't feel it with Africa or every time it starts to come I get rid of it because I know this isn't going to work out and I am afraid of getting hurt again. I am not sure which it is or what I want to do about it. I am going to try and spend more time with him, because I like it and he's sweet. We'll see what happens. Honestly, I think I am also really still holding onto things with PAG. I am afraid to get serious with Africa when I really still miss PAG and actually did see a future there.

And I may have just wrote him an email...

I'm the worst.

Seriously, the WORST.

More to come...

xoxo

HL

Alone.

Roomie is having a serious blossoming relationship with one of our friends here, and its so precious and sweet to watch and encourage but alas, I find it is really leaving me with a sense of "Yeah, you are alone". Before, I would see couples together and just miss PAG- I was really sad when I first moved here, but had gotten used to it and just got used to always missing him but knowing we would be together soon. But now...I am really alone. And these little hook ups and guys who are interested in me are really just band aids for a heart that really just wants something more serious.

I never want to admit that I want something serious, I always try to act casual and like I don't care...which is true for guys your just chatting with at the bar. But when I am really honost with myself, I like having someone to come home to, talk with when we go out, dance with, and kiss you and tell you your beautiful on a regular basis. I like having a partner in crime. And I don't think I've ever really gotten to have it...besides PAG for the few weeks before I left. We all know Number 2 was never around for more then just to talk to 5x a day.

Africa messaged me Friday morning and acted like we'd see each other this weekend, but I haven't heard from him and its now 2am Sunday. I might still hear from him within the next few days, he lost his phone the night we met, had final exams this week, and works until 2am on the weekends...but no one would be surprised if he just disappeared. But it's still a bummer since he helped me to not be so sad.

I think also because I felt like my roomie and I were just having a blast being together and taking on the city...but now she has a boyfriend of sorts and I am the third wheel. We've been having such a fun girly time, but now she has him snuggling with her in bed every night and I am alone.

I've been missing home a bit more lately too...but at the same time my brain keeps randomly saying to myself "OH MAN! I love my life here!" so I guess thats a good sign at least.

Alright, time to sleep it off...

xoxo

HL

Yep, Officially Have A Lover.

source.

Well, Africa is REALLY living up to his potential. I am constantly surprised by him. It started with his sweet facebook messages, compliments galore and sending me songs...so romantic and sweet. Then today he came over when he said he would and brought me all these treats! Dessert, chocolate, a box of amazing strawberries he had to get from a special store, cold medicine, tea, and honey because he knows I've been feeling sick. AND massage oil. First he gave me an amazing sensual head and neck massage and then a full body massage with this special oil he brought.

We had a nice time chatting and talking about our lives. He showed me these cute videos from when he was on Slovak TV here showing African cooking and salsa dancing. Apparently he's really good at both and just continues to be so sweet with me. He wants to meet up with us again over the weekend, so maybe he will come dancing with us after work. He works at a fancy place downtown just for extra cash, which will come in handy when we need reservations...

To be honost, I don't feel like I am falling for him like I did with PAG and Number 2. But for now it's nice to have a sweet man pay me attention and treat me like a princess...plus, the sex is fantastic. Not to mention all his crazy Africa stories, I can't stop asking him questions.

I just hope he doesn't get too attached.

Our lame Easter holiday spent here in B-Town is over, back to work tomorrow- bleh. But I miss my kids and its a short week so hopefully I won't be too burnt out by the weekend. Can't believe I only have May and June left of work! I have a feeling they will go by slowly though...

xoxo

HL

Another Lover?

It would appear I may take on another lover...

Africa made sure I added him on FB before he left for his Easter festivities and then messaged me today because he wanted to see me again. I am feeling sick and out of it, so I said tomorrow and we've been writing back and forth and its so cute! (he lost his phone the night we met...this happens a lot here actually, people steal shit or it falls out of our guy friends coat pockets at the clubs). So tomorrow afternoon we will meet again, he is going to bring me ginger and honey to chew on for my sore throat (some weird Africa thing that cracks me up), and we'll just chill I guess. I am excited to spend time with someone new, I forget how fun it is getting to know new boys. I missed it. And he seems really social and fun, like he would be fun to go out with us on the weekends for a bit. But we'll see what happens, I know nothing serious can come out of it and I think I kind of like that. Just something light and fun for awhile will be good for me.

Hmm...I should go buy more condoms-they only sell them in packs of 3 here. Its weird.

Tomorrow is also my last day of holiday, Wednesday I go back to work with no breaks until the end of the school year. Bleh. But to end the holiday I am getting a surprise done! You will have to see tomorrow!

Ok, off to live my ridiculous life...

xoxo

HL