Thursday, November 24, 2011


I am learning so SO much being here. About myself. About the things everyone in the world has in common, and all of the differences. Friendship. Relationships. Sex. Money. Work.
Seriously, so many things.

A lot of things have happened which made my old "friends" here completely stop inviting me to things and talk a lot of shit behind my back. It was so hurtful and the rejection has been so difficult that I literally didn't even know what to do besides cry. I can't only hang out with roomie and her bf and the occasional work friend- it's been so frustrating. Plus add the depression, constant work stress, and missing home. Needless to say, its been tough.

The dinner I went to last weekend with a different ex-pat community though, was AMAZING! It made me feel better about not necessarily being best friends with my old friends here who ended up rejecting me. Instead I got to spend the evening eating an amazing pre-Thanksgiving turkey dinner with people from all over the world. Our table was all girls and we got to talk about politics, gender roles in society, psychology, social ethics, SO many things! It was seriously, just fantastic. I couldn't find anyone to talk to about those things here, NOTHING genuine or interesting- they just wanted to talk about sex and clubbing last weekend and we had nothing in common besides drinking so what are we supposed to even do if its not a Friday night?

So I've been working on valuing my relationships all over the world with my real and forever friends. The ones who truly know and love me and who I can completely be myself and talk with. My therapist and I are also working on my being more open and real with newer people instead of "faking happy" all of the time. Of course not being a basket case with strangers, but also how am I supposed to make new friends if I don't invest anything? If I don't even try? Not to say I haven't tried, because honestly I have. But it's just time to try in a different way and with different people.

When I meet people I find interesting I am trying to be genuinely interested in them and in return, be more open and honest about my life besides just the boring work talk. And voila! Tonight I met a really really nice local girl who was kind of on a date with one of our friends but kept insisting it wasn't a date so I don't know how she really felt about it, hehe. We connected because she's 31 and single and all her friends are married or have kids and it begins to be difficult to connect with them. Plus our families were very similar, and her dad had cancer last year. I was even bold and asked to exchange numbers so we could hang out again and she was so excited! When I left she said, "Really, if you want to do anything call me and I'd love to!". So I may have made a new friend! I've also been trying to be a little less self reflecting and notice how lonely everyone else is too. Everyone wants real relationships with people, especially the expat community here. Any event thats happening, 50 people will want to come. Instead of waiting to be invited to things, I am going to start being proactive in creating my own events and doing my own thing. And will expect surface level friendships from most, but also work at creating deeper friendships with the few.

These are the things we're learning.

So it's time to try and be more proactive...arranging events, calling people to invite them, getting new friends numbers, etc. And stop working so damn much so I can actually have a life. the same time...someone still just wants to move to Brazil ;)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Is This It?

Well Miss Depression just up and left a few days ago. Usually I have to do a lot of exercising, healthy eating, and pretending to be happy before it will go away...but this time, slowly over a few days she just packed her bags and then I woke up one morning and she was gone.

However. As each week passes by and I count down to going home for a few weeks for Christmas I am starting to wonder, is this really it? All I do is work a bajillion hours a week for kids and families who don't give a shit, I don't get paid enough and can barely pay all the bills each month, and then when I do have free time I spend it alone because I don't have any fucking friends besides roomie who I always have to share with her forever around 23 year old boyfriend (I swear I think he's moved in by now). But now I'm wondering if going home is any better of an idea since I feel this way inside. If I go home to work another job a bajillion hours a week and am barely able to pay the bills each month, will it be any better? Or will I be happier because I will at least have friends and family to spend my free time with- which does give meaning to life? Or maybe I've just been working too much and neglecting myself and my spiritual life.

Plus I've gained like 8lbs.

This may explain the lack of writing lately. Sorry. I have written, but they end up so grumpy and depressing I decide to just file them away as "crazy time" entries.

Good Things!

Still talking to my marine and OH! Does HE make me so happy! However equally frustrated that I can not possibly foresee a way for us to be together right now or even in the near future. It's forcing me to just enjoy how things are right now (quite the new concept for me) and to try and let it be enough. But the sweet things he constantly says to me gets me all twitterpated, especially because I know hes not typically that kind of guy and isn't just trying to get into my pants. It's solely because he likes me so much. And neither of us can even think about moving on to something meaningless with someone else in our respective cities because we know it wouldn't compare to whatever it is we had together and how we currently feel about each other. And for the record, I don't even bring up half of this stuff- HE does. It's so stinkin cute. And then he gets all embarrassed and feels ridiculous because "you are breaking all of my logic" and "I so don't do this kind of thing for girls! What have you done to me!" I don't know if he's just playing me or not, but I am letting myself enjoy my skype bestie everyday anyway.

Work is getting better. I still don't want to go everyday (remnants of the depression I would imagine) but I finally told them I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, literally, so they happily lessened my schedule in a "please don't leave in December!!!!" and "yeah, your schedule does suck" kind of way. Plus splitting the class has made my days AMAZING. It's just me and 10 precious students rolling through the day. They love it because I am more relaxed and we get to joke and have more fun because it doesn't take me 20 minutes to get them back on track again, seriously they said this to me "Miss, we love our small class, it is so much more fun!" and I even got a "Miss, you are the coolest teacher in the school" and then went on to list reasons why. So I find myself arriving and leaving work not as exhausted or hating my life quite as much. I would say this is progress! Maybe I am getting a chance to catch my breath.

Looks like I'll get to come home for Christmas after all! The rents came through and offered to buy my ticket for my present and I'll pay them back half of it when I arrive (1200usd ain't no joke). It's not officially bought quite yet because I just got an extra day off approved today, so I'm trying not to get excited about it just yet, but I am feeling a glimmer of hope now and am feeling cheerier all the same!

You'll all be proud to know tonight and tomorrow I am forcing my lonely self out to meet new strangers through a work friend who met everyone through the couch surfer and language exchange online community. I'd never connected with them because I don't typically connect well with young travelers, have different tastes then the work friend, and used to have other friends- but apparently everybody in the groups permanent imports or local early 30's professionals so I thought I'd give it a try.

Ok, time to get ready to try and be Miss Social.



Monday, November 07, 2011

Well, Darn.

Well, shit. It would appear that I am depressed again.

Let's see...irritable and impatient with others, don't want to socialize, eating crap, drinking too much to not feel sad, have to force myself out of bed to do anything, negative about everything, not enjoying things, etc.

Miss Depression likes to rear her head on average every 2 months. Sometimes she's triggered, sometimes she's due to a mix of things, and sometimes I don't know where it comes from but suddenly it's like all of the not-so-great things about my life go from fuzzy to focused and I just don't want to deal with it anymore so I'd rather snuggle in bed.

I guess lots of things may have triggered this recent onset, so I shouldn't be surprised. So much stress with work, friends rejecting me, mums health being frustrating again, trying to figure out if we should move, money regarding said move, and just the overall loneliness that sets in when I am feeling stress and pressure from so many things and have no support system.

I am trying to fight it the way I always do...exercising more, fresh air and sunshine everyday, going out with friends and faking being happy the entire time until Im either drunk or have convinced myself for awhile, eating healthier, and taking mood stabilizing supplements. However. All of that is awfully a lot of work when you don't even want to get out of bed.

Plus, the amount of alcohol I drank this weeken: OMG. An entire bottle of wine myself on Friday, 5-6 gin and tonics on Saturday, and another bottle on Sunday. But honestly, it does help me feel better. And I'm not becoming an alcoholic just yet so letting myself indulge in a few hours of feeling happy seems fair for now.

I can't help but feel like a crazy girl, broken, and like no man would ever want a woman like this. Who randomly falls into these depressive states. Roomie keeps telling me its normal and reminding me of how many women are REALLY crazy and have amazing men in their lives- why am I any different?

But I just feel shitty.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Favorite Things: New Male Voices.

These last few months I've been seriously enjoying the sweet succulent melodies of the following fine gentleman. Yes, I know, I am veering away from my typical favorite male voices Iron & Wine or Swell Season...but we can mix it up a bit.


Damien Juardo- Caught in the Trees
Especially this song.

James Vincent McMorrow- Early in the Morning
Heard his beautiful voice first here.

Bon Iver- Bon Iver
This song and video made my summer.

City & Colour- Bring Me Your Love, Sometimes
Dallas Green who previously sang for the hardcore band Alexisonfire now does these gorgeous acoustic sessions reminding me of my high school Dashboard Confessional days. Sometimes I feel like his songs are a bit too stripped down for me, but his voice and guitar definitely make up for it. See for yourself and listen to this.

The Antlers- Burst Apart
Lovely mix of warm instruments and voice. Favorite song off the album here!

Enjoy darlings.

Hope your weekend was lovely.



Saturday, November 05, 2011

Cue A Group "Awwwww" and Bursting Hearts.

So I just went ahead and emailed the director of education in Brazil that Birthday Boy led me too . A very proper email asking for more information and attached my resume. Just figured I'd at least entertain the idea a little and get more information. Then I messaged Birthday Boy and asked if we could talk more about it, so we did.

The 2 hour conversation took place on roomies ipad while we were at someones house and they all played poker. I didn't want to play (def not my jam) and was perfectly happy playing with their puppy and drinking the ENTIRE bottle of wine I brought before the ipad came out, and all the happier when I got to socialize but also chat with the boy I have a serious crush on. And now for a summary:

Me: I don't want to just move there for you, but if I do come I don't want all of this to just be you "being nice" and then I come and there's nothing between us. But on the other hand if I come and we don't work out I can still be doing my own thing and there is a legit expat community I can be a part of. I am unhappy here with my job, friends, living situation, etc. And since I moved here barely knowing one person, it doesn't seem too crazy to move somewhere where I feel I do have a serious connection with the person. What do you think?

Birthday Boy: Of course I don't want you to move here because of me, I just think a new city and job opportunity would be nice for you. In fact, I'd rather you take me out of the equation entirely and come for other reasons...I just get to be a fun perk! haha. Honestly, I would so happy if you came, but don't come just for me. But on a serious note...I haven't felt the way I feel about you in a long time.'s weird how much I think about you and "us". I know its not infatuation, which is a good thing, and I would like to see where this goes!

Me: I feel the same way, but feel stupid for feeling this way.

Birthday Boy: I do too, like I'm too old to be feeling this way. You seriously go against all of my logic!


So all of that made me happy.
Happier then I've been in awhile actually.



Thursday, November 03, 2011

Why Not?

Birthday Boy and I are still always chatting online about our lives and even reliving our brief, but fantastic, escapade. We are quickly becoming rather close friends and silly sex talk has turned into serious life, relationships, family, and future talk. He has quite honestly become one of my dearest friends/ex-lovers/?

Yeah thats right. The younger then me Marine from the south who almost threw up on me the first night we attempted to hook up and then 2 months later spent the most amazing time together before he moved to BRASILIA (how do I find these unattainable guys?!).

He is such a LOVELY man I was constantly in shock by how sweet he was with me when we were physically together and then how he continues to pursue and fall for me even after leaving. He knows my struggles with work, friends, roomie, and other things here in Bratislava so he- on his own free will- asked the international school contacts he's found there (working at the US embassy has its perks) and got a bunch of information for me to contact them. He said the teachers are always talking about how much they love working there, the weather and culture are amazing, and to teach English at university level or privately you can make $100/hour (INSERT OMG HERE). Plus he's mentioned more then once, "everything is great, all I need is you!"

Of course everything is telling me no no no. What happens if I get there and him and I don't work out and I'm stuck there? Or if I leave the few friends I have finally made here? South America is not Europe safety wise and I'll still be far from home too.


On the other hand.

Why the hell NOT?

SO WHAT if I get there and we don't "work out"? I'll still be a professional awesome young woman living in the capital city of Brazil. I'll never be 'stuck' anywhere- we all make our own choices. And the few 'friends' I do have here I don't really feel like are my friends at all. We are at the exact same surface level we were when I got here. Besides roomie. But as discussed roomie is kind of crazy and is all wrapped up in her bf and work anyway. When I am having a hard time she doesn't even know how to hug me. As soon as I told her about birthday boy sending me this info and my surprise she was like, "WHY? GO! It'd be amazing!"

Plus, I am kind of over Europe to be honest. I feel like I've "seen it all" and am sick of the ignorant culture. Maybe it'd be different if I were in western Europe, but getting a job there is nearly impossible so why not take a chance and explore South America a bit? I am dying to see Machu Piccu, experience Mardi Grais, dance the tango and eat steak in Buenos Aires....are you allowed to swim in the Rio?

I think its hard for me to imagine doing something so...rash. I never saw my life like this. It was always...go to college, graduate and teach in San Diego, get married, have babies, live by family. And now its like there is this entire...WORLD...I can just do whatever I want to! If I go to Brazil for a few months and enjoy my time with the sweet guy and it doesn't work out? I can just go somewhere else! If I leave Europe to teach in South America and then want to go back? I CAN! If I get over living abroad and want to move back to San Diego- what a concept, get ready- I CAN.

Of course I am still constantly worried about my mum. And I'll still be a long and expensive plane ride away. But then again, I moved here barely knowing one person and look how far I've come? How about moving somewhere to be with a boy I have a serious connection with and already has an established American community? Whats the difference really?

So someone might seriously be considering moving to...Brasilia. Yeah, that just happened.




Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Favorite Things: The Black Keys

I know I'm a little late on this one, but I'm going to go with the excuse that I live in Europe and get things slower...

I just LOVE me some Black Keys and this video is AHMAZING!