Thursday, November 17, 2011

Is This It?

Well Miss Depression just up and left a few days ago. Usually I have to do a lot of exercising, healthy eating, and pretending to be happy before it will go away...but this time, slowly over a few days she just packed her bags and then I woke up one morning and she was gone.

However. As each week passes by and I count down to going home for a few weeks for Christmas I am starting to wonder, is this really it? All I do is work a bajillion hours a week for kids and families who don't give a shit, I don't get paid enough and can barely pay all the bills each month, and then when I do have free time I spend it alone because I don't have any fucking friends besides roomie who I always have to share with her forever around 23 year old boyfriend (I swear I think he's moved in by now). But now I'm wondering if going home is any better of an idea since I feel this way inside. If I go home to work another job a bajillion hours a week and am barely able to pay the bills each month, will it be any better? Or will I be happier because I will at least have friends and family to spend my free time with- which does give meaning to life? Or maybe I've just been working too much and neglecting myself and my spiritual life.

Plus I've gained like 8lbs.

This may explain the lack of writing lately. Sorry. I have written, but they end up so grumpy and depressing I decide to just file them away as "crazy time" entries.

Good Things!

Still talking to my marine and OH! Does HE make me so happy! However equally frustrated that I can not possibly foresee a way for us to be together right now or even in the near future. It's forcing me to just enjoy how things are right now (quite the new concept for me) and to try and let it be enough. But the sweet things he constantly says to me gets me all twitterpated, especially because I know hes not typically that kind of guy and isn't just trying to get into my pants. It's solely because he likes me so much. And neither of us can even think about moving on to something meaningless with someone else in our respective cities because we know it wouldn't compare to whatever it is we had together and how we currently feel about each other. And for the record, I don't even bring up half of this stuff- HE does. It's so stinkin cute. And then he gets all embarrassed and feels ridiculous because "you are breaking all of my logic" and "I so don't do this kind of thing for girls! What have you done to me!" I don't know if he's just playing me or not, but I am letting myself enjoy my skype bestie everyday anyway.

Work is getting better. I still don't want to go everyday (remnants of the depression I would imagine) but I finally told them I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, literally, so they happily lessened my schedule in a "please don't leave in December!!!!" and "yeah, your schedule does suck" kind of way. Plus splitting the class has made my days AMAZING. It's just me and 10 precious students rolling through the day. They love it because I am more relaxed and we get to joke and have more fun because it doesn't take me 20 minutes to get them back on track again, seriously they said this to me "Miss, we love our small class, it is so much more fun!" and I even got a "Miss, you are the coolest teacher in the school" and then went on to list reasons why. So I find myself arriving and leaving work not as exhausted or hating my life quite as much. I would say this is progress! Maybe I am getting a chance to catch my breath.

Looks like I'll get to come home for Christmas after all! The rents came through and offered to buy my ticket for my present and I'll pay them back half of it when I arrive (1200usd ain't no joke). It's not officially bought quite yet because I just got an extra day off approved today, so I'm trying not to get excited about it just yet, but I am feeling a glimmer of hope now and am feeling cheerier all the same!

You'll all be proud to know tonight and tomorrow I am forcing my lonely self out to meet new strangers through a work friend who met everyone through the couch surfer and language exchange online community. I'd never connected with them because I don't typically connect well with young travelers, have different tastes then the work friend, and used to have other friends- but apparently everybody in the groups permanent imports or local early 30's professionals so I thought I'd give it a try.

Ok, time to get ready to try and be Miss Social.



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