Thursday, April 26, 2012

Being An Adult.

Looking back at my last post, I find myself loving and hating it at the same time.

Hating it because "fighting" with your boyfriend isn't something you want to have to remember. And because I ended up being wrong in the end.

Loving it because of how we got over it. And how everything is fine. A part of normal adult relationships neither of us have ever really had.

Without going into all the boring details, we were both frustrated and upset separately for about a day. When we finally got a chance to discuss, all he had to say was- "You know I have to be nice to her and ask about her life sometimes because she's the mother of my child, right? I have to know what and how she's doing because it effects my son and I am unfortunately not around. Not because I actually care." And that was it for me, for some reason everything clicked and it was fine. We talked about it awhile. I had overanalyzed everything and he's going to work on some filtering. Theres a lot more within this, but none of it is the point.

The point is.

The entire time both of us were quietly freaking out that the other one was going to break up with us over this. And desperately trying to find a solution because we love each other so much we don't want to lose everything over something stupid. In the end we apologized for each of our parts and then talked for another 2 hours about our day, funny things...normal stuff. This may sound normal to you...but for two people coming out us messed up relationships- this was monumental.

Wait. You don't want to break up with me?! Cease panic mode.

If anything, it built up our already strong communication skills and got us even more excited about our future together! Slowly I am getting him to open up to me about things more and more too...boys never talk about stuff with anyone, it's so weird. Oh man, I heart him.

In other adult news, I am rocking at my new job and one of my bosses keeps talking about how great I am and how she wants to "flip me" (to full time and more $) sooner then later. It's weird to be SO excited to go to work everyday like I was when I taught, who knew I was such a happy person? It's feels good to finally be understanding what people are talking about and taking initiatives in better organizing things.

The next two months are going to be ridiculous. Two weddings, plus their showers and a bachelorette in Vegas in a few weeks, AND visiting boyfriend to meet the fam bam and babycakes in Mississippi. I don't know how I get myself into this stuff. I AM SO EXCITED! And equally my commitments don't equal my pay scale...ahem.

Man I love being an adult.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Days Like This...

Today was a bit of a strange day.

Work was good and I am getting the hang of my regular responsibilities, finding my niche, which was feeling great until one of my supervisors told us she was interviewing for the position I thought they were saving for me. I kind of freaked out...rightly so...I am only under a temporary crappy hourly contract right now, which I thought was supposed to mold me for this Product Management position they are now interviewing for. As a good adult I freaked out for 10min and then just went to talk about it with her. Apparently they were never "holding" the position for me, and are trying to convince the CEO that they need me for the things I am already doing and will be doing in relation to managing the three different development teams. They really do need me and want to show the CEO how awesome I am, but now my job security went out the window since I still need to prove my job is necessary and worth what I'd like to be paid. What I thought would be a few months of crappy pay, now seems like it might be quite a bit longer? Or is even just up in the air of ever turning into anything. I just want to be an adult with an adult job to pay my bills and not live at home, why is this so much to ask?!

Boyfriend and I normally talk a lot everyday...usually every morning while I'm going to work, sometimes we'll chat while I'm at work, and then again on the way home and/or before bed. Yeah, its a lot. But its so awesome! Yesterday and for the next few days our schedules are opposite so we only got to talk for like 10min today which is REALLY hard for us. It was 1/2 one of his more shining moment boyfriend conversations as he spent the evening making life plans for us- adorbs. But then things went down hill when he got into this...

Boyfriend: So I was calling to talk to Baby Cakes but he was asleep so I was just being nice and asked Baby Mama what she did over the weekend while my parents were watching the baby. She said she got drunk with her friends and then went to "Alex's House". So I knew where this was going and just decided to ask 'you fucked Alex didn't you?' And she said, "uh, maybe". I've never been so happy to hear about an ex hooking up with someone else before...

He continued to go on about being glad she's finally moving on and how happy he is to have me in his life, but after I hung up, I just couldn't shake this WEIRD conversation he's having with his ex who has been in love with him forever and how their dysfunctional relationship keeps rearing its ugly head. Am I the only one who finds this topic inappropriate? On both ends? After some previous issues and concerns he's been shutting down anything she tries to bring up about me and us, but then this happens and I wonder why is he still entertaining her shit all the time? If I was sitting next to him when they were talking would he be asking her and talking about all this personal stuff all the time? Doubtful. I'm frustrated because in my heart I know how much he loves me, how much disdain I can feel in his voice when he talks about her, and how a man would never give up a partying life and make serious future plans with a woman unless he loved her very much.

Seems silly to bring up small things when all of those good things are true.

But otherwise I'll just fester about it for days.

So I decided to start with, "So boyfriend, I feel weird about your recent conversation with Baby Mama and would like us/you to explore why". But I won't get to talk to him about it until tomorrow and am just stressing and over analyzing it until then so, yeah, fun times.

(OH PS that was another Awesome Girlfriend hint I've taught myself, this type of tactic seems to work really well in having men identify how they are fucking up instead of you having to nag/bitch about something. In the past all I've had to do is say something of this nature...and he knows immediately whats wrong or while trying to negotiate out of being in trouble will realize mid sentence he's wrong and/or is being ridiculous. We laugh at ourselves for our communication being so fantastic.)

I am now going to wine induce analyze why exactly I am stressing so much about this:

1. Ultimately afraid he's going to break up with me over my fussiness.

2. I feel like I am "too good" to have to deal with this. Not that I am more awesome then other women in general, but that as a woman I shouldn't have to put up with baby mama drama or have to deal with sharing him, and it frustrates me. Again with the, this isn't how it's supposed to be issue.

3. There is a part of me that's afraid they have a forever emotional connection and that I'm going to have to fight for him forever...which I refuse to that leaves me back at #1.

4. How do you discuss how your man is talking to other women/exes without sounding like a controlling bitch and driving them away? (Back at #1 again)

Oh man, I am so fussy. I suppose to odd things in one day was a bit much.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Be: Healthy

So over the last 5 weeks or so I've been on a ROLL with my new healthy lifestyle and feel like I've finally gotten the hang of not just over dieting and burning myself out with intense exercise, but instead have found this balance of "Quit Eating Shit All The Time and Move Your Ass". Now we aren't burning out and committing to impossible exercise/eating/weight loss goals- I've become an adult!

My Super Awesome "Grown Ass Woman" Diet:

-more lean protein, veggies, and fruits. Less carbs, processed foods, sugars, fatty meats
-eat super healthy during the weekdays, little splurges on the weekends
-quit drinking so much (TBD)
-wake your lazy self up earlier to make a proper breakfast full of protein to keep you full and energetic all morning plus time to make an awesome lunch

I pretty much eat variations of the same staples everyday now, my trips to the store are really easy now and I diversify it enough that it doesn't become too boring.

Steal what you will and let me know what works or any ideas. Especially for dinner as I am obviously broken in that department.



Sunday, April 08, 2012

How To Be An Awesome Girlfriend #1

Trying to be a good girlfriend or want to convince someone you are awesome girlfriend material?

1. ENCOURAGE time with him to go out with his friends. Make plans with your own friends. Do things a part. And don't pull the Old School "Oh...I thought we were going to get to those thank you notes tonight...I guess...I guess I'll just plan a girls night...". It should go...

"Oh awesome! Have fun! I think I'm going to {insert something fun here, even if its just happily chillin at home}, if you want to call me drunk later DO IT"

That last drunk call part is optional, ha. 

And then afterwards ask him how fun it was and be excited!

Yes, this is not natural for young women to be this confident in themselves and trusting of their boyfriend. 

But YES, your man will think you're amazing. 

I have mastered this pretty well, I still get nervous when he goes out with all his single friends in Brazil, especially when we haven't had sexy time in so long so I know it must be hard for him...but I'm learning to trust him and I think in the end its strengthening our relationship. 

So try being awesome on a man near you.



Friday, April 06, 2012


I was thinking of how to try and explain my PMS symptoms to my bf, in order to prepare him for whats to come when he MOVES here (eeeeee!). I decided later this was a weird conversation topic and will not be attempting it...but still.

How does one explain:

-well every girl is similar but different (hows that for confusing)
-you're so tired no matter how much sleep you get
-you're never full and could eat all day
-you want to pour chocolate all over your body and lick it off
-your lower tummy feels like someone is clenching it on and off
-headaches, general grumpiness about nothing, and oversensitivity and analytical are also fun byproducts.

I always know its my hormones, and of course birth control helps alleviate a little...but it still sucks balls every month right around now when I wonder "whats WRONG with me??? Oh yeahhhhh...".

So glad its the weekend and I can sit in bed eating, watching romantic movies, and sleeping.

A girls dream world.



Somehow Theres MORE Good News!

Another scan post moms cancer episodes, has come back clear today!

OH MAN 2012 so far...
-5 dear friends will marry the loves of their life!

-awesome new job!

-I fell in love with a far away gentleman but found out he happens to be MOVING here in October!

-My mother is cancer free!

-My dog isn't sickly anymore!

-My aunt is going to have a healthy baby!

Come on, its only April and already this year is AWESOME.



Thursday, April 05, 2012


Well the UNTHINKABLE happened!!!

I've been reeling for the last few days and haven't been able to process how to write about it...but I got drunk and felt it was finally time to attempt explaining the miracle of love and life if you haven't heard already.

So remember birthday boy? or his new name 'Mr. Boyfriend'. We met about a year ago in Bratislava, Slovakia while he was a Marine guarding the embassy and I was teaching. We were supposed to be a fling because I was moving back home and he was moving to Brazil for his last year of embassy duty in a few months too...and then the fling lingered...and then we kept talking...and then he came to see me while on leave for the holidays and we sealed the deal on our emotions and relationship status...we kept talking and falling in love...and in June I'm going to meet is family and son and OMG whats happening? It was supposed to be a fling!!!!


Mr. Boyfriend FINALLY found out his station placement after Brazil for the next 2+ years. You can kind of request regions, but you just rate three regions based on where you want to go and then get placed where theres space. So he rated:
1. west coast
2. east coast
3. international

Note, we were hoping for stationing in America and if we got lucky the west coast. Thats all we wanted. We prayed for more but expected the least. After a year in different continents, we were happy with at least being in the same country.

And then.

He got stationed in MY CITY. 

I'm not kidding.

My beautiful and amazing boyfriend is MOVING here in 6 months. OMG!!!!!

Let it all sink in a moment.

Maybe you need to read back to remember all the "what are we doing???" and "whats happening??" posts to really get the full affect. Because. This is HAPPENING.

Needless to say we're just thrilled. I am continuing my plans of getting my own place in a few months so he can just leave his stuff in the barracks and pretty much live with me to begin with...we're so excited! And we're making lists of all the fun things we can actually do now instead of just fantasize about doing...simple things like making dinner after work and snuggling to Vegas...time with stuff...OH MAN!

Ok I think I need a break I am still in shock.

More soon!



Sunday, April 01, 2012

Moments When You Fall A Little Further.

Where I left my heart.

Today I got a newsletter from a very dear friend of mine who just moved herself and 3 kids down to Haiti to start an orphanage, women's programs, and kids programs a few years ago. No big deal. My mind started spinning and missing all the babies I love snuggling with in these 3rd world countries. My heart is truly happy when I am loving on these muffins and using the gifts I know God gave me- working and loving on children who aren't even mine. I have grown as a woman in general since the last time I went, I think I would even be better balanced and emotionally ready to go and support a program now when I ever was before.

Boyfriend and I have already discussed and are excited to adopt kids from other countries for our family, which was already huge for me that he was so on board...but I was wondering how he would feel about going to some of these orphanages and children's homes I have connections to all over the world for a few weeks or months sometimes to support and help. I was genuinely curious how he would feel about it...not every man is into that kind of thing and would be willing or even excited to give up vacation time or a life in America for babycakes.

And thats when I somehow fell even more in love with this amazing man.

Not only did he want to go 100%, but he then went on and on about how he's actually been thinking about all of this for awhile and was watching the puzzle pieces fall in place as our time together and life plans continued to form. He then goes on telling me apparently he's always wanted to start a girls home and be a good role model of a man for them, it could be for troubled teens, young pregnant women, or kids. He also knows missionaries who have a children's ministry in Hong Kong we could work with and his dad knows all of these rich and high up politicians in DC who would love giving money to organizations like that, and have connections that could help. THEN he says "Plus, I was thinking, if I retire after 20 years in the military then we would have income coming in every month too! And we could go and do whatever we want!"

After he excitedly told me all of this. I like...couldn't even talk.

I am tearing up even now.

All I could muster was a...

Oh my God...

I just...

I can't...

it's like I didn't think I could possibly fall in love with you any more...

we really are perfect for each other. 


Now, I don't know where life is leading us. If we really are going to be together forever, or if God has other plans in mind, and if we are to be together then when and how this "Love the Crap Out of Kids in a 3rd World Country" plan is going to come together. But gosh am I thrilled just thinking about it.

I just love him. And I love where life is taking me and us. Life has been a difficult journey to say the least, but I finally feel like things are going to be ok. Not easy and perfect, but not a shit show all the damn time either. I can't help but think boyfriend has something to do with it. Of course, I have grown considerably in the recent years and am finally getting stabilized with a job and being home...but men bring such stability, security, and a calmness I never knew existed. I do feel like I can handle things myself, but its just so much less overwhelming and scary knowing he is always here for me too. We like to call ourselves "Team Awesome".

Ok enough gushing for one day.