Monday, April 16, 2012

Days Like This...

Today was a bit of a strange day.

Work was good and I am getting the hang of my regular responsibilities, finding my niche, which was feeling great until one of my supervisors told us she was interviewing for the position I thought they were saving for me. I kind of freaked out...rightly so...I am only under a temporary crappy hourly contract right now, which I thought was supposed to mold me for this Product Management position they are now interviewing for. As a good adult I freaked out for 10min and then just went to talk about it with her. Apparently they were never "holding" the position for me, and are trying to convince the CEO that they need me for the things I am already doing and will be doing in relation to managing the three different development teams. They really do need me and want to show the CEO how awesome I am, but now my job security went out the window since I still need to prove my job is necessary and worth what I'd like to be paid. What I thought would be a few months of crappy pay, now seems like it might be quite a bit longer? Or is even just up in the air of ever turning into anything. I just want to be an adult with an adult job to pay my bills and not live at home, why is this so much to ask?!

Boyfriend and I normally talk a lot everyday...usually every morning while I'm going to work, sometimes we'll chat while I'm at work, and then again on the way home and/or before bed. Yeah, its a lot. But its so awesome! Yesterday and for the next few days our schedules are opposite so we only got to talk for like 10min today which is REALLY hard for us. It was 1/2 one of his more shining moment boyfriend conversations as he spent the evening making life plans for us- adorbs. But then things went down hill when he got into this...

Boyfriend: So I was calling to talk to Baby Cakes but he was asleep so I was just being nice and asked Baby Mama what she did over the weekend while my parents were watching the baby. She said she got drunk with her friends and then went to "Alex's House". So I knew where this was going and just decided to ask 'you fucked Alex didn't you?' And she said, "uh, maybe". I've never been so happy to hear about an ex hooking up with someone else before...

He continued to go on about being glad she's finally moving on and how happy he is to have me in his life, but after I hung up, I just couldn't shake this WEIRD conversation he's having with his ex who has been in love with him forever and how their dysfunctional relationship keeps rearing its ugly head. Am I the only one who finds this topic inappropriate? On both ends? After some previous issues and concerns he's been shutting down anything she tries to bring up about me and us, but then this happens and I wonder why is he still entertaining her shit all the time? If I was sitting next to him when they were talking would he be asking her and talking about all this personal stuff all the time? Doubtful. I'm frustrated because in my heart I know how much he loves me, how much disdain I can feel in his voice when he talks about her, and how a man would never give up a partying life and make serious future plans with a woman unless he loved her very much.

Seems silly to bring up small things when all of those good things are true.

But otherwise I'll just fester about it for days.

So I decided to start with, "So boyfriend, I feel weird about your recent conversation with Baby Mama and would like us/you to explore why". But I won't get to talk to him about it until tomorrow and am just stressing and over analyzing it until then so, yeah, fun times.

(OH PS that was another Awesome Girlfriend hint I've taught myself, this type of tactic seems to work really well in having men identify how they are fucking up instead of you having to nag/bitch about something. In the past all I've had to do is say something of this nature...and he knows immediately whats wrong or while trying to negotiate out of being in trouble will realize mid sentence he's wrong and/or is being ridiculous. We laugh at ourselves for our communication being so fantastic.)

I am now going to wine induce analyze why exactly I am stressing so much about this:

1. Ultimately afraid he's going to break up with me over my fussiness.

2. I feel like I am "too good" to have to deal with this. Not that I am more awesome then other women in general, but that as a woman I shouldn't have to put up with baby mama drama or have to deal with sharing him, and it frustrates me. Again with the, this isn't how it's supposed to be issue.

3. There is a part of me that's afraid they have a forever emotional connection and that I'm going to have to fight for him forever...which I refuse to that leaves me back at #1.

4. How do you discuss how your man is talking to other women/exes without sounding like a controlling bitch and driving them away? (Back at #1 again)

Oh man, I am so fussy. I suppose to odd things in one day was a bit much.



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