Threes Company.

Well, if I felt like the third wheel before, this is certainly a new level of wheel. Being back in Bratislava has been amazing. I am so happy here having my own space, being back in the city, spending time catching up with the roomie, and just loving life. But while I was gone something happened and the roomie and her bf went from being kind of in a relationship/fighting all the time, to being all in love and can't get enough of each other and now I pretty much live with BOTH of them. Actually, I really do. He goes home once a day to get some clothes or eat...but then is here the rest of the time. It might be different when roomie and I are both back at work too, but being with them 24/7 has upgraded my third wheel lonelyish feeling to something pretty serious. He's replaced me as her best friend, and before it was her and I are the besties, and then him...but something happened while I was gone so now I practically feel like a visitor in my own flat. And it's not necessarily because I want a boyfriend like that so badly, in fact, Africa has been barking up my tree lately and I'm only kind of interested. Even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't want him over every single night. And it kind of bothers me in terms of personal space and money. Like, roomie and I split groceries. But now we're planning dinners for 3 people...one a boy who eats a lot...and I am expected to pay for part of that. 

And now they don't really like going out much anymore and just stay in and watch movies together snuggled on the couch. Real fun for me.

So I am kind of sad I have lost the special time roomie and I had together of being fun and single living in Europe together. She's making life plans with the boy now and I don't know how the three of us could possibly go live and work somewhere all together. 

If I didn't put enough pressure on myself to have a boyfriend before, it's certainly reeling itself now. And just when I was starting to embrace my fun single hood too...

Arg.

xoxo

HL

Something Shiney...

Welp, FIVE of my bestest girl friends are now engaged and getting married in the next year.


FIVE!!!!


Unfortunately after my initial "OMG IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! YAY! I LOVE BEING GIRLS! I LOVE WEDDINGS! SO FUN!" we go straight for the:
"Fuck me, not only am I alone but I am probably going to have to go to all these weddings alone because no one likes to give plus ones anymore and I'll get to be one of the only single ones there too. Better bring my own gin and tonic. Dear God, fuck my life."

I know I am in one wedding for sure if I am back living here in the spring, and otherwise I am luckily not in any bridal parties. Except...besides spending an exorbitant amount of money and time for your friends wedding, being in the bridal party means it goes unnoticed that you don't have a date and that's just plain luck.

I need to go back to Bratislava and get my single lady dance party on because I am suddenly all self conscious about being single when normally I dont even care. Damn you San Diego and your marriages!

Time to start channeling...

And to regularly look at this self portrait I took of myself to remind me how hot I am. 

Hey, its my blog...I'm allowed to whine about all my friends getting married and post pictures of myself if I want to!

xoxo

HL

PS I'm Ridiculous.

Whether it's because I like to hurt myself...I am lonely...I genuinely still care...or am just curious.

I wrote PAG to tell him I am coming into town and would love to meet and catch up.

I may have also added in a "Plus, I still think about you."

So yeah...I ignored the shitty way he ended things with me and how I haven't heard from him since and how I am only in town a few weeks before moving back here for another year.

But I couldn't help it! I knew I had nothing to lose and that I do still think and care about him, so it seemed silly to come into town and do nothing. Can't we just stay friends so when we ARE finally in the same part of the world long enough, we can fall in love?

I guess heading home has me thinking.

It's odd to be the happiest I have ever been in my little European city, with my new lovely friends from all over the world, working my dream job...but to not feel totally settled. Still haven't had a real boyfriend for more then a few weeks...we can't really call the Number 2 shenanigan a relationship as much as it was just "fucked up". So sue me if I miss the one man I felt settled with. The one I saw an actual future with. The one I know would have worked out happily ever after if I hadn't moved here.

HENCE Plan B. Stay in contact until we can merge our separate happy lives in the same location.

Easier said then done. Let's see if he even replies.

Ugh, I am the worst.

Welp, Had A One Night Stand...

Yeah, cue the OMG.

But it happened. And to ME?! And it was SO FUN!!!!

So...

Friday night we were at our usual place, Primi, which is this really upscale nice bar that has DJ's so people also dance and its kind of like a mini club. It's my favorite place because the people are pretty and the bar tenders know us and take really good care of us. Anyway, there has been this BEAUTIFUL tall black man whose come in a few times...seriously, we see him and all stop talking and watch him walk by every time we've seen him. My friend tried to hit on him without success last weekend, but Friday night he also had a delicious looking friend with him, London. London is beautiful and brown with these really pretty tattoos on his arms, and a British accent to die for. His family is from Portugal and Angola (Africa) so yeah...gorgeous. Beautiful black man finally noticed that we've all been staring at him and London all night and I could tell he was talking to his friends about us so I asked,
"Are you talking about us?"
"I was just saying that, you girls are always looking at us"
"well yeah...we like you"

Someone was maybe making some proper booty drops and dancing all sexy with her girl friends...which is pretty much my standard at Primi, but this particular night London was apparently watching. So he started chatting with me, bought me a drink, they left to the Cuban club across the street but he made me promise I would stay...and sure enough they came back. At one point Beautiful black man put my hand down his pants so I got to feel his junk...it was super random and HILARIOUS. I actually thought that was going to be the highlight of my evening, but things just kept getting better! London and I kept flirting and I think the turning point was when he started smoking (you can smoke inside everywhere here, it sucks) and I said
"Ohhhhh you smoke? Well now your gonna taste all smokey"
Which I actually didn't mean in a flirtatious way, looking back. I was just gonna talk with him about if other girls have complained, just making conversation...but he was splendid and said
"No I don't, try me" and kissed me. Then again. And again.

And then we went to another favorite club of mine.
Got another drink.
Made out some more.

Then it was time to go home.

He was staying in a private room in a hostel literally down the street from my flat. I invited him to my place, but he wanted to go to his so we did. Now, at this point I wasn't so set on sleeping with him. I would have been ok with just making out and messing around, but we were just having so much fun together. We got along really well and he was so sweet...and hot.

So we were making out and messing around and then naked time, and then he was putting a condom on and I was oddly fine with it. I kept waiting for myself to freak out and leave or something, but I was having a blast and just kept going with it. He was really good, I have to say, we went for a long time...after I wore him out (his words, not mine. And not the first time I've gotten them;) we took a break for some falafel and pizza down the street, came back and had some more sex. After the first time he said to me,
"I really want to make love to you, but these beds are terrible...lets put all the mattresses on the floor" So we made a giant bed on the floor out of the mattresses in the empty beds in the room and it was so fun! Then he told me all these crazy stories about his life and we talked and talked until the sun was coming up. It wasn't ever awkward. We both wanted to have sex again but ran out of condoms so we just messed around and then finally feel asleep all snuggled up.

My friends had been texting me all night making sure I was ok...they know me and know I've never done this and have said I never wanted to do this, but were so happy for me because I think I really needed it. They knew where I was the entire time and around 8a my roomie called because she woke up and I wasn't home. After that I couldn't fall back asleep so I just enjoyed snuggling for a bit before putting my clothes on and peacing...while I was getting dressed I hear his hot accent,
"Where are you going?"
"Home. I just live down the street. And I'm so thirsty."

I could have added that I wanted my own bed, but instead I just kissed him and touched his face before sneaking out. I guess I could have stayed and we could have gotten more condoms and had more sex...but I was pretty sore from the evening and probably couldn't have had more sex anyway (sometimes I think there is something wrong with me). My guy friend here said unless he is rude and overt about wanting her to leave with a one night stand girl, he would like them to stay. Snuggle. watch movies and chat in bed, etc. But I hadn't really slept all night and we had spa plans at 2, and I've never really done this before so...I left and was perfectly ok with it.

So that was my fantastic one night stand my friends. There was no exchange of numbers, I will never see him again because he is only here for the weekend, and I really love the freedom in that! Later a part of me wished I had at least exchanged numbers in case he wanted to hang out while I'm in London, which he mentioned wanting to do...but eh. I also didn't want to ruin a perfectly good fling.

Analyzation:
I didn't go home with him because I was sad about PAG or even thinking about PAG. I actually have men give me the eye and hit on me almost every weekend, but I just ignored them because I had a boyfriend and/or a vibe and didn't want that. But Friday night I didn't have a boyfriend. Haven't had sex in almost a year. And there was actually some chemistry with a beautiful brown boy here...which never happens. Now, I don't think I am going to make this a regular occurrence or anything but when I woke up in the morning, contrary to popular belief, I did NOT feel bad about anything. I didn't feel guilty, I was just happy and felt sexually relieved for sure. I kept expecting this guilty feeling to come as the days have passed, but so far nothing...I only regret maybe not staying longer and snuggling more and hanging out with him because we had fun together, but I am also ok with the option I chose- sleep.

Although I don't feel guilty or anything, I will acknowledge that it was different then being intimate with someone you love and care about- even with PAG even though we weren't "technically" having sex. Part of me missed the sweetness, the "your so beautiful" comments, the stroking of the hair, etc. But at the same time, it was ok. It was what it was- FUN (And safe!). And it would have been weird to have all that with someone I just met, plus he was still sweet in his own way.

I promise that getting naked with someone and doing the "everything but sex" routine is pretty much exactly the same thing as actually having sex with someone...it's just more satisfying in the end. This is not to say making a man your serious about wait for it isn't worth it. Or that sex can't be built up to mean something more with a person you care about. And intimately it is sweeter when its with someone you love. But I can promise that all those conservative friends of yours who somehow think its less intimate to do everything BUT sex are dead WRONG. I was wrong, I see this now. If you don't want to be intimate with someone sexually, then don't take any clothes off. Done and done.

I was kind of hoping to wake up and feel less sad about losing and missing PAG. While I was definitely in a better mood overall, and still am, the hurt and sadness I feel about PAG is still there. It didn't go away. So now I know that any amount of sex with someone who is not the one you love-won't make the hurt go away. Maybe for a little while, but it's still there when you wake up.

So there it is. If you think I'm a skank now in B town- I really don't care. I had such a fun time and was as safe as anyone could be and am so stoked on life! My roomie and I keep saying, "I love our lives!" and its just so true.

So this post is for you London.
Wherever you are, stay there. You were perfect.

Confidence.

Something happened to me in the last few months.

I am here across the world in a foreign country trying to live and work and have found that I have such confidence it is astounding me. I am not afraid to be alone. Be lost. Try new things. Ask for help. Have an adventure. Meet new people. Maybe not have people like me. I am just SO happy in this foreign experience I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Why dont I miss home more? Why am I not nervous asking for help or trying new things like I usually am?

I can only conclude that saying goodbye forever to the ex and having to pick up the pieces alone, has left me more secure and confident in myself then ever before. And that my moving out awhile and being alone so much has set the tone for this new person I find here in Slovakia.

How To Be Alone

"I was scared to be alone. Now Im afraid thats how I like to be"- Azure Ray


Micah, referring to my 5 days in LA by myself: Didn't you get lonely?

Me: uh...no?

Apparently something has happened.

I was SO afraid of being alone when things ended with all of my gentleman suitors and I took this dating sabbatical. I didn't even like being alone at my apartment all of the time. I tried to fill my schedule with fun things with friends so I wouldn't have to sit and be that sad lonely girl I knew was burrowed inside me.

But now suddenly, I am fine being alone. I just spent 5 days in LA in a huge house with 2 dogs.
A dog lady.
I am a 25 year old dog lady.
And...it was awesome?

I took myself to museums galore, read tons of books, watched Law and Order CI until I puked, cooked and baked, went for walks, drove around listening to Katy Perry "Cause baby your a firework!" and looked at Christmas lights on giant houses, went shopping...oh, and I brought the vibe and was alone for 5 days so that made entertaining myself pretty easy too.

So now of course Im freaking out, pretty much AM the Azure Ray song. Totally afraid that I LIKE being alone and am turning into a hermit or that Im going to start pushing men away and go all "independent woman" on their asses.

How do you balance the confidence of "I am fine alone" with the "But I do want a relationship".

Well...I guess just like that.

Everything reminded me of this beautiful video/poem, "How To Be Alone". Enjoy.

All I Want for Christmas...

Some sex would be nice. The vibe works and all, but part of why sex is so lovely isn't just the physical part. I miss the intimacy. I miss the snuggling. I miss the vulnerability and the "this is so amazing I am terrified" that comes with an intimate relationship with someone. I know there are plenty of you girls who have separated your emotions from sex, and thats fine. But the more I think about it, the more I don't just want to fuck "anyone". I want to have real and intimate sex with someone. Because that's all I've had. And I don't want it any other way.

I told Cassie the other day, who seems to have the BEST luck in Sweden finding men, "I am kind of super excited to move to Europe because I think my chances of getting laid will be SO much higher!". This is true. Every time I travel outside of socal I meet lovely men of all sorts. Suddenly men are stopping in their tracks to talk to me and buy me drinks all night. Does this happen here? Sometimes, but very rarely.

So get ready Slovakia, hot and bothered 25 year old headed your way.

However, for now, another sexless Christmas alone.

Don't Get Low.

Trying to dance at the bar.

Shorty tried to get LOW.

Shorty fell backward ACROSS the floor and like a bowling ball into 4 other people.

Shorty's shoe went flying across the bar and I had to hunt around for it.

Shorty was attempting to meet new people at said evening.

Shorty got low.

All the Single Ladies #6

When you shave the lady and get MASSIVE razor burn and ingrown hairs to the point that you want to shoot someone in the face every time you move...you don't have to worry about disgusting anyone else. Or not being in "the mood" because your in pain. Or endure being embarrassed. It's just your problem and yours alone.

Plus, you get to learn how to mix your unscented lotion with tea tree oil to make a skin soothing/healing lotion. Bonus!

Ugh.

All the Single Ladies #5

You can enroll in random classes that serve your mental health during the week because, girl- you gots the time!

Fresh.

Ok.
Time for some change.
I need new people.
New environments.
New challenges.
A refreshment to my life.

I need to be happy and busy with myself and really embrace being a strong independent 25 year old woman.

Plus, let's be honest, if I am seriously not dating I really need to find something positive to fill my time.

Therefore:
I have decided to enroll in a yoga and drawing class at the local adult ed program in my area.
Well, more then decided, I already registered.

So Monday evenings for an hour or so I will be taking yoga at a rec center down the street. In fact, it's called "Yoga Eclectic Fusion" which sounded weird so I decided to try it.

And Wednesdays for 4 weeks I will be taking a drawing class for 2.5 hours.

I was initially thinking of taking some classes at the community college, but I like the idea of not having to go if I don't want to and NOT being in a "school" environment. We all know how much I despise school.

Aren't you proud?




Today, even though I know it's Halloween party night, I am still just thinking of kicking it here at the apartment...or maybe going to the rents and making mom cook for me or something. I am feeling sick, have hickeys all over my neck, and am just exhausted. Plus, I really just want to bake pumpkin pies, finish my wreck of a room, and snuggle with sleepy Bella.

PS it's 4pm and Im still in my PJs. I might be a little depressed. I am not quite sure. I might just be having a lazy day:)

Now to walk to the store and get baking supplies! Huzzah!

All the Single Ladies #4

You get to come home, get into your comfiest sweats (or negligee if your me, hehe), and just snuggle in with a book, Bella, TV, or bake something wonderful. Don't have to get dressed up for anyone, and can be in bed by 10pm. Lovely.

All the Single Ladies #3

You get the ENTIRE bed to yourself.
No dealing with someone snoring, not being able to sleep because sleeping with other people is weird, no other alarm clocks, no bumping into someone and it waking you up.

An entire (insert bed size) is all yours in all its glory.

Be aware that after you find the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with, you will NEVER have this luxury again.

And trust me, it IS a luxury.

All the Single Ladies #2

Reason #2 it is AWESOME being single?

You dress to impress no one, and everyone is impressed anyway.

All the Single Ladies #1

I have decided to start a short series as I embrace my official new found single hood of reasons why it is AWESOME to be single! I have been thinking of legit reasons all day, but for today, just one to get us started.


You don't have to shave your legs or lady if you don't feel like it.

Enough said.