Saturday, October 15, 2011

Ms. Crazy.


I have never been so thankful for my girl friends then I am today. I love you, even all over the world, because you are NOT psychotic. You are loving. And you don't overreact about random shit. We rarely argue, and whenever we do "fight" we get over it rather quickly and know its not really that big of a deal. I can count on one hand the "arguments" I've had with all of my real girl friends. When I tell this to roomie, who never had girl friends because they're "too much drama", she is so so surprised. And so surprised to realize how normal I am. That I have emotions and issues- but I'm not a crazy person.

Basically. Thursday night was a horrible evening. I am dealing with my mother still kind of being sick and seeing her cry on skype and realizing this is going to fucking suck for a long long time- ruined me. I am starting to seriously want to go home now...because the reality that she may not have a lot of time is just sitting inside my heart and its just too hard to be away from her and be upset here with no support system. Plus, other reasons. But I just died after talking to her. Then, roomie and I were finally going to spend time together without boyfriend and I figured it'd be good to talk. Cue breaking down while walking down the street with her hugging me. At dinner I tried to talk to her about boyfriend being over all the time and she basically said I should move out if I don't like it. (we've resolved this a bit more since, but at the time I was so so hurt and angry on top of already being upset). Later, we went to get drinks with some friends and two of the girls sweet D hooked up with were sitting with us. We'll call one XY. XY was full on making out with her new love interest and our really good friend, Joe. While the other hook up was flirting it up with our other friend. It was SO awkward.

So I went home and was chatting with birthday boy about everything else and then on top of it how awkward it was to have XY and Joe MAKING OUT right next to Sweet D. Birthday Boy and Joe are best friends and he felt like he needed to tell Joe about XY hooking up with Sweet D, which I understand. So he did. And so Friday night I am home still trying to emotionally recover when Sweet D invites me out with everyone. I PRY (literally, it was so hard) myself out of bed and go to try and not be sad. Rather quickly XY seeks me out and takes me outside. OMG you would have thought I had punched her in the face, her anger and anxiety level was like a TEN just because I was talking to someone about her. Apparently SHE doesn't talk about anyone with anyone else and doesn't feel its right I do it. I tried to explain I wasn't trying to talk about her, I just assumed everyone knew about them hooking up, I was talking about MY feelings in the situation. And it's good she tells me she's upset so I can not talk about her, because I don't have a problem with people talking about me so it's hard for me to understand her position. Plus, I am going through a lot right now and this was hard for me to handle right that second. She was NOT having it. She couldn't understand my position, my feelings, and said all angry "don't tell me you can't handle this right now!" and the best part was when I tried to apologize for upsetting her she interrupted me with, "I don't want your apology, I want action, you need to change your behavior". Wow. Hello Crazy.

I was SO upset. I don't have problems with my friends. And I've been really frustrated with how few I have here, so for someone I considered to be at least kind of a friend blow up at me at a time when I am already so so sensitive was horrible.  Later I realized she wasn't as upset with me as she was about Joe finding out about Sweet D because now it makes her look like a slut. And she had to blame someone. But instead turned into an anti "gossiping" campaign. 

After that I knew I had two choices. Go home and be alone crying in my bed, or get really drunk and try and be honest about how I am doing when my friends ask. So I did the later.

I haven't been that drunk since I've been here. And I finally felt happy after drink #4.

Recovering today was HORRIBLE.

Not sure how to proceed with Crazy now. I miss you real girl friends. Very very much.

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