Saturday, October 29, 2011

Small Talk Kills.

I'm not sure where to even begin with this one. I am the conversation I had with roomie this afternoon. Last night we got home from Prague...cammie is kiiiind of a crazy person so I was exhausted upon being home for various reasons, and am still fighting a sinus infection, plus I had gone out almost every night while on holiday. Roomie was on her way out with work friends, and talking about a company I don't even work for all night wasn't really high on my agenda but I sent cammie out with them and passed out in my own bed- peace and quiet at last.

Today roomie and I had such a nice day together- lunch, shopping, dinner with friends, and then a movie. At one point in the afternoon she said all of our "friends" were talking about me last night. How I've changed. And when I am with them I am now distant, quiet, and they don't really feel like they know me very well. At first I wasn't surprised, but now I've been sitting in it and now find myself tearing up. Roomie said she'd actually been thinking about me all week, how lonely I must be. Since with our small group of "friends" I don't have anything real to talk with anyone about and everything is just surface level all of the time. I don't know what to talk to anyone about and they don't know what to talk with me about. Therefore, I think I've just begun to check out. At first it was fun, just all going out all the time and messing around. But now that I've been here almost a year I'd like to have some things in common with people and actually talk about real things...not just how much we drank last weekend. I genuinely don't know what to talk to any of them about and have zero people who share any of my interests. So yes "friends", I am a bit distant and fucking lonely to boot. And I like going out just as much as the next person, but if all I'm doing is working my ass off and then getting drunk and dancing on the weekend...sorry, doesn't really fulfill me.

Roomie keeps saying, "hmmm where can we find you some artsy friends..." and while I laugh, its true.

I miss my real girl friends who can as easily slip from making fun of each other to a deep discussion about music, art, politics, ANYTHING but how's work and your sex life.

I truly don't know where to go from here. I feel so alone. And now I am like 90% sure even the small group of "friends" I made here don't even like me. This whole "living it up in Europe" thing is really panning out for me isn't it.



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